Sunday, September 25, 2016

Up and down day

Hi Guys

I know I promised another video to you today but I just didn't get there. I had to tell a lady today that I wasn't going to work with her anymore and it didn't really happen.. I thought I'd done a good job but now that I think about it I really skirted around the problem rather than facing in front on. I have a real hard time trying to say no to people like I have written in here in the past. Really sucks actually because I leave myself open to all sorts of things that I don't want to do but do anyway because I think that the person will be mad at me or something. I have to harden up about this. I will not do well in my business if I can't say what I want to say. I really have to practice it too anytime I can.

A big thanks to Emily who drove me to the place where I was meant to say no because you gave me the courage to go inside, even if I didn't do what I wanted to do ((hugs)). You are such an awesome friend :)

Anyway, I will try and do another video in the next few days. I am waiting for a little tripod to arrive as that will hold my phone a little easier. Last time wasn't ideal, with it leaning against my morning cup of tea mug!

Stay safe and be well

Sarah xx

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Shoot Day two

Hi Guys

Here's some more photos from the photo shoot yesterday. Funny thing is that Cali photo bombed us, lol. Luke was taking some footage of my craft boxes when she ran straight in front of the camera, ha ha. We all cracked up laughing and had to do another take. Then miss Cali got to be a star for a while.

First me

Then Cali

I'm looking forward to getting the footage of Cali because she did such a good job.

Sarah xx

Thursday, September 22, 2016

The Shoot

Hi Guys

Here's a photo of the shoot we are doing for our campaign. It's of Deb and Luke and Luke is lining up to shoot Sussana's section of the video. I did a small part but don't have any pics of that but my next bit is up tomorrow. So stay tuned.

I am also going to be doing another video on Saturday or Sunday for you all, hopefully, it will turn out okay but this time I will have a topic. Go me! Hopefully, I won't bore  you senseless, lol. So be safe and take care and all that jazz and I might get some more pics of the shoot tomorrow when we resume at my place :)

Sarah xx

Fear and Self-Sabotage

Hi Everyone

Last night a friend of mine, Emily and I, went to a workshop on fear and self-sabotage, which was amazing by the way. I felt very connected to everything after and have since emailed Tim and asked him if he will speak to our group. I'd love to have some of them also have some guest spots on here when our campaign goes live in OMG only 9 days time. Oh, got a little rush of adrenaline when I said that. Today we are filming. Or should I say that today Sussana and I are going to be filmed. ARGH! I know by now you have probably seen my video but I really do like the other side of the camera as you know. Another rush of adrenaline! I know I have the courage to do it, but I also have the fear that comes along with it. Everyone probably has this and if they don't, they are adrenaline junkies, lol. I am not one of those.

I was looking through the first issue of By the Skin of My Teeth and as I was compiling into a word document for Wes, I realised that it have about 8300 words in it. I had no idea that it was so long. I was amazed actually. I thought maybe 3000 or so, but not over 8000. I hate to think how many words all of them have. It's great you know because with this blog and with my zines together, I have an amazing account of the last 7 years. I would love to one day write a book or get someone to help me edit my zines. I'm about to email my lecturer from uni to see if she would know anyone that would do it for me. On the other hand, while I am here, does anyone here know an editor that would be interested. I have six issues of By the Skin of My Teeth and two issues of My Baggy Pants. The first mental health related stories and the later eating disorder stories. I'll just put it out there :)

Anyway, I need to go and get ready for filming as I don't know when it starts. So take care to all of you and be safe.

Sarah xx

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Telling someone something you don't want to say

Hi Guys

So yesterday was a harrowing experience. I had to tell a lady that I really like here where I live that I couldn't work with her much anymore at the moment, simply because I am too busy. The problem was telling her. I am not good at standing up for myself or saying no to people but this time, I knew I had to and no one was letting me off the hook. I didn't want to be off the hook but I didn't know how I was going to do it. I was really scared of how they would perceive me and that they might dislike me and it's a person I really care about too, which made it worse.

Anyway, I was sitting downstairs having a bit of a cry and then the floodgates opened and boy I couldn't turn it off. I think people thought someone had died, lol, but they hadn't. My wonderful mentor, Deb, happened to come out of the office and saw me and took me into this little glass room we have here where you can privately speak to someone and going in there I was talking and crying and being totally un-understandable (is that a word -- I don't think so) all at the same time. So I sat there and I tried to focus and settle but it was so overwhelming that I kept bursting into tears. This was no helping.

I was looking for an out I think now that I look back. I think now I was really asking someone to do it for me but that didn't happen. I then spoke to Paul about it, I've mentioned before, he was great too but also didn't offer to tell this lady for me -- damn I thought -- couldn't someone read my mind or something, haha. In the end I went and spoke to this person and I told her and I cried and then we talked and I am still going to help her with a few things and she was awesome.

I'm so proud of myself. I wouldn't ever have been able to tell anyone something like this before, I would have avoided and run away. The first time I guess is always hard. I know I can do it now and that's all that counts.

Hope you are all travelling okay. I want to say thank you to Lil for your lovely words, it really did make me feel so much better. Have beautiful day all :)

Sarah xx

Sunday, September 18, 2016

You are my time capsule

Hi Guys

It's so weird when you read your old posts back. This blog is now over seven years old, I can't believe that. It's gone so slow and quick at the same time. I saw some photos of myself in 2009 when I was really really disordered with my eating, geez, I'm glad that passed over time. I think now how my body shape is and I'm okay with the 'number' even though it's a little bigger than it was then.

If you told me then what I know now (don't we all wish for that?) things might have been different. Maybe, but you know what, I don't think I would have listened anyway. My ED would have won and the ED would have skewed my thinking and it wouldn't have shut up. Today, those thoughts although not gone, can be managed fairly easily now I have some distance from them.

I'm thinking of all of you out there still struggling with this. Please keep fighting. It's so hard I know but it does get easier each time you beat it. I know that's hard to believe when it's so close it's all you can see. I think I mentioned defusion a few posts ago but spelt it wrong, so defusion is where you can basically untangle your thoughts and put them, still in your own space, it's not about pushing them away, but it's about being able to acknowledge them, sitting with them and detaching from them, just noticing. I see it like a spiders web. If your too close you can't notice the spider and it sneaks up on you but if you take a step back, you can keep an eye on it without squishing it ( yes, I'm sure some of you would just like to squish the damn spider lol). If only it were that easy. Bella you are in my thoughts. I hope you are ok!!! So that's it for now.

Take care, be safe
Sarah xx

Saturday, September 17, 2016

My video post for real - I'm terrified right now

Hi Guys

As you can see below I have a video post for you. This was very hard to do as I've been hiding away for so long. Anyway, here it is. I hope you like it :)

Be safe and take care, until tomorrow
Sarah xx

About me

Hi Guys

My 'me' page has been updated, it was old by three years. This post is just to let you know that and to tell you that I'm posting a video post later on. If I can figure out how to shoot it with my camera and actually edit it and get it on here.... phew!


Sarah xx

Friday, September 16, 2016

A blog post that took all day

It’s Friday about 1pm and it’s been an interesting day. I spent a lot of the morning with Sussana and Wendy, as Sussana and I were both nervously waiting for some filming of us for our businesses for our campaign. We were both really nervous and I was okay to start with but the nervousness grew. In all honesty, I am really anxious about how this blog is going to be received by people that know me. It’s so honest and for me very real. Anyway, enough about that.

I have so many big plans for the future. I am so excited about it. I can see myself moving forward very clearly and I know it’s going to happen quickly, probably quicker than I am bracing myself for. I can’t see myself living here where I am this time next year. I believe I will be in my own place, with a garden for Cali to roll in the dirt in. I know she longs for nature and I am feel bad that right now I can’t give that to her. My poor little pumpkin is stuck inside and cats like outside so much. I wish that for her. I know it will happen.

So here’s my space right now. It’s got 10 boxes and 4 drawers to put all my papers, cardstock, ink and other bits and pieces in. I love it and if you’re looking for me, this is usually where I am. The only thing in my little studio I’d love to change is the desk. It’s too low and I stoop to see what I am doing, regardless of the fact that I have a great daylight OTT lite lamp. It’s just too short and I get a really sore back a lot of the time. Then neck pain and eventually I have to stop. To top it off, this week I sprained my thumb. Sounds rather painless but let me tell you it wasn’t. It’s still sore because how can you pick things up and not use your thumb. I’m right handed so it’s harder because I naturally pick things up with that hand without thinking about it.

This morning I did some colouring in Kerby Rosanes’ book Imagimorphia, one of my favourite books of all time. I also love the complex designs he has in there and he is just such a great artist. I’d love to draw like he does. I find it really helps when I want to do some mindfulness. I can switch off for a bit and just concentrate on the colours and the shading. It’s so peaceful in that moment. Just the sound of the pencil scraping across the page, colouring frantically. The picture I’m doing right now is of two horses and some intense creatures with the waggon. Don’t worry, that poor horse's head is not going to stay like that.

I am having the best time scrapbooking at the moment. This afternoon I didn’t know what to do so I got out some ink and sponged it onto a piece of embossed paper. It came out okay, though it’s something I am going to have to practise. I got it all over myself, my hands mainly and dye ink dries so quickly.

Okay, so I’m off and I will be back in the morning. Have a great day or night depending where you are in this world of ours.

Be safe!

Sarah xx

Being honest

Hello Everyone

Yesterday was an intense day. Between having a panic attack during the mosaic opening, feeling so anxious I wanted to climb out of my skin, trying several times to get my business name registered and then finding out I had to rethink the name was stressful. I am also going down off of another medication decrease -- lithium -- the bad boy! It sucks but it's also going to be great when I am off it all and that is what I am trying to focus on right now and in between, baby steps.

So in the end, I settle on Little Miss Moo for my new business name. I've been using the email littlemissmoo2 for years because littlemissmoo was taken when I made the address about six years. I'm happy with my business name. It's still pronounced the same, just had a few gaps in it. At least I don't have to be number two. I am the number one Little Miss Moo :)

I got to hang out with Sussana a bit today too and that was good. We had a lovely talk this morning about truth and being honest with our 'stuff'. It's hard to be honest sometimes because when you feel that good ole' vulnerability creep in, it can do your head in. It doesn't feel that nice. We have both had some pretty rough times but we are getting there and we will pull through. I would like to her to come in and be my guest and have her tell her story or whatever she is comfortable talking about.

I don't know if you know this but I quit uni to do a micro business course and to do my business. I felt like I was just getting stale sitting there doing assignments all the time and the stress was unbelievable. It took me accepting the fact that I am going to fail course I was doing and owning that. That was really hard because I haven't ever failed anything in my life but I purposely failed because it was only week six and I was going out of my brain. I wasn't doing well either. I will get my F grade in the next two weeks and yes there is a loophole but I still have to sit with the fail grade for a bit. I can then apply for special consideration and it will be overturned because of my circumstances at the time, which were pretty awful, but I never wrote about it in here and I probably won't. It's not because I don't want to but it's because I need to protect myself a little around that situation.

So here I am. Here's a quick grab

I am going to leave you with that to ponder. Here's hoping you all have a beautiful day/night wherever you are in this world.

Sarah xx