Thursday, February 26, 2015

a quick post from hospital

Things fell apart, I mean really fell apart. I was told yesterday by Trudy that if I missed Tuesday next week, I would be discharged from the group. I will not let that happen. I will pull myself together as much as I can, I will be there, no matter what. I will be discharged by Monday. I will make sure I am okay. I unfortunately got put on a new anti-depressant that I've been on before, Pristiq. I don't know how I feel about that. I don't know how I feel about anything. Not much else to say really is there.

Sarah xx

Monday, February 23, 2015

Quick

There is a lot of fuzziness within right now. I just got out of hospital on Friday after being there for eight days. Mum and I aren't talking and I feel so disconnected from everything. In all honesty, I have no idea what to do. I am starting weekly sessions with Emma on Friday to try and start fixing this.

Sarah xx

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Dear Nana

Dear Nana

I am so sad because you had to go today. I am glad I got to talk to you again last week. You were a huge inspiration to me and I loved you with my whole heart. I'm in hospital tonight and I'm sad because so many people want to die, but I just wanted you to live and I wanted to live for you. I remember when I was little and your huge great afghan dog dragged me behind it while floundered. I scrapped my knees up and I cried, but probably not as much as I have cried today. You and I had a special relationship, you understood me, you listened and you hugged me when I was sad and you loved me. I saw a photo of you the other day and you looked so special, all dressed up waiting for mum in your prettiest dress. She'd done your nails the night before while you slept and when you woke she said you looked and them and said "pretty", that made me smile. You are so special to me, your love will forever live within me.

with special love
Sarah 
xxxx

Sunday, February 8, 2015

The Art of Asking

I was introduced to Amanda Palmer's talk on The Art of Asking and it's really blown me away. I felt such a sense of connection with her that I have watched this video about 6 times. It goes for about 13 minutes, so that is good too. She calms me inside too. I also got some of her music and bought her book. I would love to know what you think, as this has changed how I connect with things, how to ask for things, how to not feel shame in the asking. She is very inspiring.




I hope the vid works. Guess I'll soon see.

Sarah xx

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Have you?

Have you ever been walking somewhere and heard someone talking behind you or at the side and you turn and there's no one there? It happens to all of us right? So I have something to tell you that I am very uncertain about in that I don't know how to say it really. It's something that I've known for a very long time and in all the years that I have had this blog (2009) I've never mentioned it. Why? Fear probably. If I had to attach an emotion to it. yes, fear would be it. I don't know what I fear but just that I have fear about saying this.

Okay so I hear voices in my head and I see them too in my head, one of them is very active, the others not so much. The term that I would put on them is subselves, though my doc thinks its more than that, like dissociative identity disorder, but I don't agree. Subselves is more clear to me. I'll post a link to a vid you can watch about it and it will describe it. It came out publicly when I spoke to a friend who has known me for nearly 15 years and she randomly asked me what I thought about what my old psychologist diagnosed me with in the late 90s just before I dumped her. Whoa inside went out and it was like a blast had happened, bang, couldn't shut them up, all at once and it was very loud inside. They wanted to be heard! My friend just gave them the strength to break free.

It didn't last for just a moment, but all day and all night. They wanted to talk to Jan (my friend) and it went on for two days, Jan, Jan, Jan, was all they thought about. It was like now that someone had mentioned them, they were free to come and go as they liked and made Tuesday DBT very uncomfortable because I had to severely dissociate to control it all, which made it noticeable to everyone anyway but they couldn't put their finger on it and I didn't want them to. I did however tell Trudy and she was awesome, calmed everything down so I could go back into group relatively happy.

Then on Tuesday night I was talking to Jan at 11pm and the thoughts were flying out of my fingers and she just said "that's enough, stop!" and everything went dead quiet. It was like she was telling them off and then explaining to me that I can't let them take over everything and that I had to set some boundaries with them, I know, it's kinda funny, but not at the same time. I'm not going to go into any details about them right now. I'm still antsy about talking about it because it's been so hidden for so long. I've known of them since the early 90s. It's just not something you can drop into conversation is it? Ugh, still feel the fear.

video


Sarah xx

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

GIVE

GIVE is another acronym used by DBT (yes, they love them) and it is about building and maintaining relationships. Give focuses on others. Give is Also the key to resolving conflicts.

Gentle
Interest
Validate
Easy Manner

Gentle - Be courteous and temperate in your approach
       No attacks No verbal or physical attacks. No hitting, clenching fists.
        Express anger clearly
       No threats No "manipulative" statements, no hidden threats.Stay in the
       discussion even if it's painful. Exit gracefully
       No Judging No moralising

Interest - listen and be interested in the other person's point of
        view, opinion, reasons for saying no, or reasons for making a request
        Don't interrupt, talk over etc. Be sensitive to the other person's desire
        to have the discussion later. Be patient

Validate - to validate means to non-judgementally acknowledge others' feelings,
         thoughts, beliefs and experience. Validation is 'walking a mile in others'
         shoes,' and seeing life from their perspective. We validate when we find
         others' truth and how their experienes make sense given their life
         circumstances and the situation. Remember to validate yourself.
 
Easy Manner - remember the idiom, 'you catch more flies with honey
        than vinegar.' Having an easy manner means treating others with
        kindness and a relaxed attitude. It also means not being heavy handed
        with our judgements, opinions and viewpoints. Allow space for others.

I haven't yet tried this skill properly. I have used it before though and when I use it I will let you guys know how it works. It's great to write it down first and then try it out. Dear Man is a great skill and so I am interested to know if this is going to work too.

I have DBT tomorrow so I will let you know how the new skill works FAST.

Sarah xx

Monday, February 2, 2015

Dear Man works

Tonight I had to use the Dear Man (DBT) skill on my financial counsellor. She wanted me to change Cali's food but after talking to Cali's vet today, I was set on not changing it. This was also after I changed her (Cali's) pet insurance and her kitty litter. So I went downstairs expecting a fight but I didn't get one, she was so happy with what I had done with my finances already that she just said "fair enough" and that was that.

I worked out what I was going to say first. The Dear Man skill worked really well tonight and because I was willing to change some things which was good, it went a long way in getting what I wanted. Cali will be one happy little kitty and it will keep her from getting fat as it is a special light food and it keeps her teeth clean too! I'm very happy now, DBT works :)

Sarah xx

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Happiness

Firstly we went to a second hand book shop and had lots of fun going through all the books, I was like a kid in a candy shop and I loved every second and came away with two books, one of which I have already started reading.


 I went to the city today and just did some really fun and some not so fun stuff. The not so fun stuff is having to vote in a local election. I hate elections, though I do understand why we need to vote. In Australia in is a requirement that we vote in either a state or federal election. In any case, that was done quickly, except Dov having an argument with one of the polling booth officers. I just stood there and stood there and stood there. In the end he finally finished and we left.


Finally we came home, where we are now relaxing, well I sort of am. I am trying to create a template in publisher to make some new DBT flash cards. I am looking forward to making them as they are fun to make, plus they look good so you want to use them.


When I have created them I will post them. They might come in handy for you too. You never know.

Sarah xx

Ojbective Effectiveness - Dear Man

In DBT on Thursday we talked about how sometimes we say things to others, especially when we are trying to get something we want or get them to do something we want, basically the same thing really and we botch it up because we get over emotional or angry or we start blaming them and then that pisses them off, yeah, it happens doesn't it and it happens more than we think.The skill itself is an acronym DEARMAN.

Describe the current situation (if necessary). Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to. Stick to the facts

Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Assume that your feelings and opinions are not self-evident. Give a brief rationale. Use phrases such as "I want," "I don't want," instead of "I need," "you should," or "I can't."

Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly. Assume that others will not figure it out or do what you want unless you ask. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don't expect others to know how hard it is of your to ask directly for what you want.

Reinforce or reward the person ahead of time by explaining the consequences.

Mindful keep your focus on your objectives. Don't be distracted. Maintain your position.   
"Broken record" keep asking, saying no, or expressing your opinion over and over and over.          Keep your voice calm and even while doing this.
"Ignore" If another person attacks, threatens, or tries to change the subject, ignore threats, comments or attempts to divert your. Don't respond to attacks, ignore distractions, Just keep making your point.

Appear Confident appear effective and competent. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner, make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retracting, saying "I'm not sure," etc.

Negotiate Be willing to give to get. Offer and ask for alternative solutions to the problem. Reduce your request. Maintain no, but offer to do something else or to solve the problem another way. Focus on what will work.
"Turn the tables" Turn the problem over to the other person. Ask for alternative solutions: "What do you think we should do?" "I'm not able to say yes and you seem to really want me to. What can we do here?" "How can we solve this problem".

I know this can sound really complicated and strange, but after a while it's possible to grasp these skills and ask for what you want without being passive or aggressive but that middle assertive line. It feels really good when you get it right.

I will report back with my homework, which I am not sure about at the moment, after I've been on Tuesday. I will be making a flash card for this so I will post it when I'm done :)

Sarah xx

Friday, January 30, 2015

Lost a tooth

i have had a lot of tooth pain over the last week but it got really bad yesterday afternoon. This morning I ended up at the horrible dentist and he said I had two choices, a root canal or the tooth removed. This was an easy decision, the tooth was at the bottom left second from the back, I told him to pull it out. I had a panic attack when he put the needles in and I started to cry a little. I know that many hate the dentist and I do, very muchly. I was very happy when it only took less than five minutes for the dentist to pull the tooth out.

Then the pain. It was out at 9:30am, home by 10:30am and I went to sleep at 11am and woke up at 1pm. The only problem is that I can't tolerate pain killers, except paracetamol (same as Tylenol), I can't tolerate ibuprofen and I normally would never ask for codeine because it makes feel sick in the tummy, but the pain is enough that I have asked for it this time. I certainly can't tolerate anything stronger than that. They make me really sick.

So it's now 6:45pm and I just took my pain killers about 30 minutes and I feel horrible, nausea and pain and oh did I tell you I'm shocking when I'm sick or hurt. I am such a sook! I don't have much else to tell except of the crater size hole in my mouth, there's that sook thing again creeping in. Tomorrow I am going to just relax as much as I can. Not looking forward to sleep tonight as the tooth was on the side of my mouth that I sleep on. Joy. So now that you have been bored to death I'll stop talking about it.

Sarah xx