Friday, July 15, 2016

Better than before

Hi Everyone

Well I'm over my little slip. If you haven't read the comments I spoke to my PT yesterday and confessed how I was feeling and we sat out in the freezing cold and she reminded me about nutrition and how much I need good nutrition. It's been a long time since I had that reminder and it's a good refresher but I am going to go back and see a dietitian just to get myself back on track.

I feel good today. I am going to the gym later on and have just been for a walk with my friend down by the river, it was really nice but really cold and came home to some warm oats. Anyway, off to have do some study. I have a paper due in a week and I want to get it done early.

Sarah xx

Thursday, July 14, 2016

I'll just call this 'ugh'

I'm struggling right now and I could say that it feels like I am right at the beginning of where my head was at the start of my blog and that's not a good place to be. At the same time however, it's a comfortable place to be, which is good, my head is telling me but bad, my body is telling me. It's too easy to fall into ED when you are feeling horrible and out of control and frankly this is control.

The worse/best part is that it's working and it's making me feel happy. I am terribly sorry to even post this, as all of you out there trying desperately hard to recover from an ED and then read this, well, that's really crappy of me. I guess it just shows how strong they (ED) can take a hold of you that quickly and it never goes away and I mean never goes away. I always think it has and then it comes back again. It's utterly ridiculous. There's nothing that can make this better and there's nothing else I can say.

Sarah xx

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Questions for feature article

Hi Guys

Here are those questions that I told you I'd send to you. If you can, I'd love to hear from you. My article is about mental health, housing and homelessness and how that affects us. Some of you know that in 2012 I ended up with nowhere to live and I was in awful, very unsafe housing for 5 months before I found my permanent place where I am now. I would especially love to hear from those of you that have had trouble with housing and homelessness, but all of have a voice.

What is your name? (you can just put your first name if you wish or your handle)

What is your diagnosis?

Do you agree with your diagnosis?

Do you have adequate housing?

What type of housing are you living in right now?

Have you ever been homeless?

How long were you homeless for?

What does having good mental health mean to you?

What do you do when you feel horrible? (eg. Mindfulness, colouring, drawing, reading etc.)

Are there any times where this actually works?

If you could take complete control over your mental health, what would that look like to you? (if this is too wishy washy, let me know and I’ll explain)

You can email it to me on I would be so grateful if only a couple of you responded to this.

Have a groovy day/night

Sarah xx

An audio post from me

Sarah's audio for you

The only selfie that I don't look like an alien in ha ha


Saturday, June 25, 2016

Some pics


Some colouring

More colouring (I love colouring)

Cold Cali (it is cold here in Brisbane, Australia right now)

Rollerskating in my kitchen

Me being silly, what a surprise, lol

Me at 19, what a stunner, ha ha ha

Okay, well now you know what I look like. Hope you all have a lovely weekend, For us Aussie's stay warm and for those of you in the summer months hmpf!

Sarah xx

I am different

Boy how things have changed. That relationship I was talking about, the new one, well it ended in domestic violence. I couldn't admit it to myself at the time. I never hit me but he grabbed me when we were in public a couple of times to pull me back to tell me my anxiety was pissing him off at to stop it. He controlled me in everything, he moved into my flat and by week five was with me 24/7 and no the bathroom was not off limits. He stopped me from seeing my friends and told me what to spend my money on. It end up nasty and very public. 

My mum stepped in because I was a shaking mess and she said to me "do you want him in your home with you tonight?" I said no. She and security came into my flat while I was downstairs and they booted him out. Then I got so scared because he lives on my floor. I moved my mattress into the bathroom because it felt safer and then I stayed there with the light off and didn't answer the door. The only thing I got up for was to feed Cali and to change her litter. She lay on the bed with me the whole time. She was awesome. I got taken to hospital. 

In hindsight it was for the best, though I did have a huge relapse and self harmed which ended up with me in the locked ward for an hour and a bit. There was a really nice nurse there though and she chatted with me ages and got me a pillow and blanket so I could lay on the couch. It helped so much and we chatted about domestic violence and pain and the fact that it was only five weeks with him, I can't image what would have happened after 5 years. It hurt so bad. I know he would have hit me. It was escalating already when we broke up. 

Now I am single and happy. I am on restrictions at home, not allowed on the 13th floor, which is the rooftop garden because the staff here (my place is very hard to describe) think I am going to jump, which I am not. They took away my knives and medication (they give this to me daily). I am doctorless at the moment. I am trying to get back to see my old psych but I can't predict either way whether he will say yes or not. 

I am back at uni and loving it, we did New Journalism this week and it was awesome, so yes, I am really well. I am meeting a new friend for the first time in person today and am excited and there is a bookfest happening, so all systems are go. Yay! I a different person from week ago, I am a different person from the beginning of the year, I am a different person from that quivering mess. Next chapter Shannan and the picture will be complete. Let's hope that I remember and come back to it soon before I forget or I could let the situation play itself out and I will be able to tell the complete story.

Be safe, be happy, be free!
Sarah xx

Wednesday, June 1, 2016


Well, life has become uncomfortable and scary. Yes, I am in hospital but one I've never been to before. It seems ok. Dov and I broke up at the beginning of the year and I met someone else and we just broke up too and I'm totally heartbroken and sad and it was so public and awful. I have no hope of fixing it because it was my fault. I will try and write more tomorrow. I have been so neglectful.

Sarah xx

Saturday, January 2, 2016

A new year

Happy new year to all of you! I am hoping that 2016 is better for me, there were lots of things that were hard about 2015. I have lots of things happening at the moment. I am still with Dov regardless of how bad things are, though I am getting better at setting boundaries.

My dad had a heart attack on boxing day, so it's been a really topsy turvy xmas period. He is okay but he is not out of the woods yet. My mum is having her back fused in 6 days and that worries me too. What happens if something happens? How will I cope? I am not good at coping sometimes with stuff like this. I need to hang on and just see what happens with her too. My brothers will be up and they will make sure that everything is okay with me and I will try too.

Cali is going well, she is fast asleep on my bed right now, cute! I have met some new friends and I am really happy about that, some time away from Dov and people around me in case we do break up. Personally I think it will happen, just have to wait until I feel I can cope with being on my own. I do love him, but I don't always like his behaviours a lot of the time.

Just a quick visit. I'm sorry to those of you that have left comments and I haven't responded. I will endevour to do better this year.

Sarah xx

Thursday, October 15, 2015

From bad to worse and back again

Lately I have really struggled to write on here. I mean really really. I sit and don't know what to write or just plain tired. But going a bit further back until now I have had other reasons. Like the fact that Dov and I keep breaking up and then getting back together. This time it was over drugs. I said I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't like it but I could at least live with it and then he used something worse and very addictive. I couldn't believe it and so I couldn't do it, told him so. him he had to get actively seeking help or that's it. It was very upsetting and he declined. It hurt so much. But then yesterday morning he came to me  (that's after 12 hours) and said he would get help. I was dubious. He came through though, he came clean to a psychologist here (too hard to explain the working of this place, it's complicated) but yes there is a psychologist here and also two visiting counselors. When Dov told the psychologist, he spilled everything and then he asked for help. Was so so proud. He did it in front of me. Happy! He has his first appointment with Rebecca on Friday. She is awesome too :)

Sarah xx

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Dealing with stuff

Well here in Australia it's around 5:30am on Sunday. I'm sitting at my desk but concentration is something that alludes me write now. I last saw Dov on Friday at lunch time. He came and got the groceries I bought him and he went home. I don't know what is going or what may have happened. One thing I do know is that he is smoking a lot of pot again. He usually hibernates when he has been smoking but this is the first time in all the time I've known him that he won't actually open the door and I hope everything is alright. They won't go in until three days have passed. I understand the law, I do, but what if something has happened. I'm not going to catastrophise.

Today I'm feeling good. My withdrawals are not so bad, just annoying. The same things are happening, I need to get used to it if I am going to get off this stuff. I'm so happy that I am just sitting in the emotions when I get them. Some are really hard, overwhelming but time is on my side. I don't have uni, just a few appointments in each fortnight, otherwise, it's getting used to the withdrawals so I can keep reducing.

--- oh, microsleep, sorry ---

Now that I've rudely interrupted myself sleeping at my computer, I will try and continue. I know you may not have noticed but hey, the context could have changed in that 20 seconds (humour me, lol). Oh yes, the drugs lately. I'll try not to go on about it too much. I am just really thankful I have a good doc, that's all I'll say about it.

I found out this morning that I lost all of Cali's kitten photos. I got her when she was 2, which is amazing because was so tiny then and when you see the photos she looks about 6 months old. I did find them on my photo storage account though and I'm happy I did. Here is what she looked like then

Above photos taken on the second day I got her
What a joker :-P
Six months later, she actually looks smaller, lol, but by then she had a little belly

Can you tell I am doing anything to pass the time? Can you tell I really suck at that? When I finish this what will I do? What if there is something wrong and I haven't seen him. What if... what if... what if !!! Sarah ==> don't forget to breath...