I decided yesterday that I was going to do a sound recording for you
then when I tried to upload it, it didn't work because of its format. So
then I had a brainwave (surprising I know, lol) to put it to a
slideshow of photos (all of Cali, so I'm sorry if you don't like cats).
It was a lot easier to make a little video for you with my message to
you. Sorry it's late, I was writing an assignment due yesterday. I'll
try and upload this now.
I hope this worked, I guess I'll soon see in a moment. Have a great day :)
It's been a while. I am doing okay but had some stuff to deal with after the death of my grandmother. It was a pretty dark time and I am not going to really go into it here but I will say that I am sure she wouldn't have like to see the state I ended up in. My mother and I had an enormous fight, which also wasn't very nice. Then Dov and I broke up and got back together about six times, I kid you not. It was heartbreaking over and over again and I still don't think we out of the woods. I'd be surprised if we lasted a month. He wants to see other people as well as not lose me, I said no. I mean it too. If it comes up one more time, it has already come up before, it's all over red rover and this time I will really mean it. No more going back on my word.
Cali has also been out of sorts. I realised, to my horror, that I haven't been showing her so much attention lately as I have been distracted. So she got her own back, she kept on waking me up at 2am and I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. It was very frustrating. In the end I played cat soccer, very complicate game I might add, with her a few times a day and also talked to her, smooched and made her feel special. Last night she left me alone and is now fast asleep on top of the couch.
Here she is looking adorable of course
I have been trying to do more photography, but I have sort of made myself housebound. I hate going out now, even though I have to sometimes for psych or medical appointments. I have to get groceries too, but that's it really. I'm really broke too because Dov used all my money because he smoked dope and used all his money in a week and then being softhearted, I gave him some food. How could I not, but he is used to that. This fortnight I am not going to share, there are resources here where I live that can help him with food. It's only his pride that gets in the way. He always pays me back but it never lasts and I'm always without money on the Monday before I get paid
I do have a sore back today from sitting at the computer doing a uni essay, so I am going to go rest it. I hope you are all well, please take care and I will chat again soon. Sorry it took so long from last time.
Well I did get discharged from DBT because my doc wouldn't let me go home and I knew I wasn't ready. Now I have nothing on Tuesdays and Thursdays at the time I really need it. Dov and I broke up and Saturday and so I took another OD. At this rate I'm never going to be medically cleared for DBT. I am okay. Dov and I got back together, then broke up and then got back together. I don't know what the hell is happening. I think I need some more time away from him so I can find myself again. I am totally lost. I nearly OD'd again yesterday and then had horrible visions of jumping. I'm sorry if this triggering anyone. I think my Nana dying has set this all off. How do you deal with death? I am obviously not coping with it well. My mum and I were also not talking except we finally talked after two weeks of no contact yesterday. Was very emotional. I know I am really unwell. I just don't know what to do about it.
Things fell apart, I mean really fell apart. I was told yesterday by Trudy that if I missed Tuesday next week, I would be discharged from the group. I will not let that happen. I will pull myself together as much as I can, I will be there, no matter what. I will be discharged by Monday. I will make sure I am okay. I unfortunately got put on a new anti-depressant that I've been on before, Pristiq. I don't know how I feel about that. I don't know how I feel about anything. Not much else to say really is there.
There is a lot of fuzziness within right now. I just got out of hospital on Friday after being there for eight days. Mum and I aren't talking and I feel so disconnected from everything. In all honesty, I have no idea what to do. I am starting weekly sessions with Emma on Friday to try and start fixing this.
I am so sad because you had to go today. I am glad I got to talk to you again last week. You were a huge inspiration to me and I loved you with my whole heart. I'm in hospital tonight and I'm sad because so many people want to die, but I just wanted you to live and I wanted to live for you. I remember when I was little and your huge great afghan dog dragged me behind it while floundered. I scrapped my knees up and I cried, but probably not as much as I have cried today. You and I had a special relationship, you understood me, you listened and you hugged me when I was sad and you loved me. I saw a photo of you the other day and you looked so special, all dressed up waiting for mum in your prettiest dress. She'd done your nails the night before while you slept and when you woke she said you looked and them and said "pretty", that made me smile. You are so special to me, your love will forever live within me.
I was introduced to Amanda Palmer's talk on The Art of Asking and it's really blown me away. I felt such a sense of connection with her that I have watched this video about 6 times. It goes for about 13 minutes, so that is good too. She calms me inside too. I also got some of her music and bought her book. I would love to know what you think, as this has changed how I connect with things, how to ask for things, how to not feel shame in the asking. She is very inspiring.
Have you ever been walking somewhere and heard someone talking behind you or at the side and you turn and there's no one there? It happens to all of us right? So I have something to tell you that I am very uncertain about in that I don't know how to say it really. It's something that I've known for a very long time and in all the years that I have had this blog (2009) I've never mentioned it. Why? Fear probably. If I had to attach an emotion to it. yes, fear would be it. I don't know what I fear but just that I have fear about saying this.
Okay so I hear voices in my head and I see them too in my head, one of them is very active, the others not so much. The term that I would put on them is subselves, though my doc thinks its more than that, like dissociative identity disorder, but I don't agree. Subselves is more clear to me. I'll post a link to a vid you can watch about it and it will describe it. It came out publicly when I spoke to a friend who has known me for nearly 15 years and she randomly asked me what I thought about what my old psychologist diagnosed me with in the late 90s just before I dumped her. Whoa inside went out and it was like a blast had happened, bang, couldn't shut them up, all at once and it was very loud inside. They wanted to be heard! My friend just gave them the strength to break free.
It didn't last for just a moment, but all day and all night. They wanted to talk to Jan (my friend) and it went on for two days, Jan, Jan, Jan, was all they thought about. It was like now that someone had mentioned them, they were free to come and go as they liked and made Tuesday DBT very uncomfortable because I had to severely dissociate to control it all, which made it noticeable to everyone anyway but they couldn't put their finger on it and I didn't want them to. I did however tell Trudy and she was awesome, calmed everything down so I could go back into group relatively happy.
Then on Tuesday night I was talking to Jan at 11pm and the thoughts were flying out of my fingers and she just said "that's enough, stop!" and everything went dead quiet. It was like she was telling them off and then explaining to me that I can't let them take over everything and that I had to set some boundaries with them, I know, it's kinda funny, but not at the same time. I'm not going to go into any details about them right now. I'm still antsy about talking about it because it's been so hidden for so long. I've known of them since the early 90s. It's just not something you can drop into conversation is it? Ugh, still feel the fear.
GIVE is another acronym used by DBT (yes, they love them) and it is about building and maintaining relationships. Give focuses on others. Give is Also the key to resolving conflicts.
Gentle Interest Validate Easy Manner
Gentle - Be courteous and temperate in your approach No attacks No verbal or physical attacks. No hitting, clenching fists.
Express anger clearly No threats No "manipulative" statements, no hidden threats.Stay in the
discussion even if it's painful. Exit gracefully
No Judging No moralising
Interest - listen and be interested in the other person's point of
view, opinion, reasons for saying no, or reasons for making a request
Don't interrupt, talk over etc. Be sensitive to the other person's desire
to have the discussion later. Be patient
Validate - to validate means to non-judgementally acknowledge others' feelings,
thoughts, beliefs and experience. Validation is 'walking a mile in others'
shoes,' and seeing life from their perspective. We validate when we find
others' truth and how their experienes make sense given their life
circumstances and the situation. Remember to validate yourself. Easy Manner - remember the idiom, 'you catch more flies with honey
than vinegar.' Having an easy manner means treating others with
kindness and a relaxed attitude. It also means not being heavy handed
with our judgements, opinions and viewpoints. Allow space for others.
I haven't yet tried this skill properly. I have used it before though and when I use it I will let you guys know how it works. It's great to write it down first and then try it out. Dear Man is a great skill and so I am interested to know if this is going to work too.
I have DBT tomorrow so I will let you know how the new skill works FAST.