Sunday, August 9, 2015

a long long while

I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to write. I've been so busy with uni and just life in general. I'm learning to cook and if I had my photos om here I would show some of the things I've been making. This woman has come a long way since her eating disorder days. I'm so thankful. Today I went to the markets and bought some organic produce for me and Dov.

Another awesome thing is my friendship with Sussana. Such a lovely person who I really love hanging out with and her friend moved into the building too, so we have all been hanging out a lot. Only problem with Sussana is she is allergic to cats. Bummer!

Oh, I fired both my psychiatrist and psychologist. Long story for next time. I have been writing alot of short stories too. Oh, yes I will be posting some short stories on wattpad soon. I just need to get onto scrivener to sort them out. I'll keep you all posted.

That's it for now but be safe and keep well!

Sarah xx

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

a long while

It's been a while again since I posted. I've had a lot going on. Since I last posted I found out and realised some things. My diet issues gave me a huge slap in the face. After having a low blood sugar and going to hospital because the ambulance people wanted to take me to mental health, but didn't, confusing but a long story, I had to change my whole diet. I did too, I changed everything, right down to the type of milk I drank. I did this so I wouldn't have to have my body work so hard to process foods. At one point it looked like I had an enlarged liver, but that turned out to be a false alarm, thankfully. I am also almost anemic and my cholesterol was high. It was time to do some work and make sure I had all the changes in place that I needed, for example, iron tablets. I've had no sugary things since the last time I posted, like not chocolate and I rarely crave it. So I am happy where I am with that.

Bad weather got me yesterday and I had a fall in the rain. I was walking down a very steep hill and my foot slipped and down I went. I landed face first into the ground, hit my head; my nose started bleeding a little from hitting my nose, though I didn't break it; I cut my knee slightly, some light but nasty grazes, some right up my left leg; jarred my neck and both shoulders where I landed into them. Jeez I did a good job. I burst into tears and rang home and they said they'd pay for my cab if I paid them back today (I got paid today), so I did. Then the nurse here patched me up but the wound thingies kept falling off because it's near my knee and every time I bent it, they would fall off. I did eventually find something at my place and it covered it really well. I was very sore last night but feeling sore but okayish today. At least it's not meant to rain today

I'm going to post some more soon. I am having trouble typing and it's getting sore, so I will go and hopefully I will feel better soon.

Sarah xx

Friday, April 3, 2015

The big bad ED monster

No, I'm not relapsing. The years of abuse done to my body is finally catching up with me. You would have thought that having kinda let the ED go that I could move forward but sadly no. I am still eating in a very similar way than what I was when I had the ED but I have many more safe foods but I am also lazy. My laziness has turned into the chronic hate of preparing food and eating it. Maybe I am still in the ED, I don't know.

On the weekend just gone I had this internal shaking start. It's profoundly disturbing because you can't really see my hands shake but you can hold my hand and feel this deep trembling. At first my friend and I thought about a lot of different possibilities but when she started asking about diet, we found out that this shaking could be a warning of sorts, that I must get my diet into order. Do some research on food (which I also hate doing), I would probably also get some protein powder to start with.

Anyway, this shaking has given me anxiety, which I have transferred to Cali and so now she is stressed out. Some of her behaviours are clearly stressing that. Poor little pumpkin. When she gets stressed, then I get anxious and we chase our tails, well she does. So first things first, get some protein powder and research what foods are best to eat. I have found some already. If any of you have any really good nutrition sites, could you pop the links up in the comments section? That would help a lot. I was never one of those people with EDs that knew everything about food, I just avoided it like the plague. So yes, any blogs, websites, anything with quick easy recipes anything that might help would be great and I'm going to do some research too

Sarah xx.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

I am grateful - I live

I Live

I am grateful for the love I get
and how it makes me feel
I am grateful for my house
and getting my every meal
I am grateful for Cali
and how she likes me best
I am grateful for every day
because for life I have a zest
I am grateful to my doctor
and how I'm coming off my meds
I am grateful for daydreaming
and the love that Dov has said
I am grateful to DBT 
and how it helps me hold my heart
I am grateful to my drawings
and that it gives me a brand new start
I am grateful most of all
to myself because I know
that I am so much better off
I live, I love, I grow


I am feeling very grateful today, so I thought I'd write about it :)

Sarah xx

Monday, March 30, 2015

A video post from me

I decided yesterday that I was going to do a sound recording for you then when I tried to upload it, it didn't work because of its format. So then I had a brainwave (surprising I know, lol) to put it to a slideshow of photos (all of Cali, so I'm sorry if you don't like cats). It was a lot easier to make a little video for you with my message to you. Sorry it's late, I was writing an assignment due yesterday. I'll try and upload this now.

video

I hope this worked, I guess I'll soon see in a moment. Have a great day :)

Sarah xx

Monday, March 23, 2015

Hello!

It's been a while. I am doing okay but had some stuff to deal with after the death of my grandmother. It was a pretty dark time and I am not going to really go into it here but I will say that I am sure she wouldn't have like to see the state I ended up in. My mother and I had an enormous fight, which also wasn't very nice. Then Dov and I broke up and got back together about six times, I kid you not. It was heartbreaking over and over again and I still don't think we out of the woods. I'd be surprised if we lasted a month. He wants to see other people as well as not lose me, I said no. I mean it too. If it comes up one more time, it has already come up before, it's all over red rover and this time I will really mean it. No more going back on my word.

Cali has also been out of sorts. I realised, to my horror, that I haven't been showing her so much attention lately as I have been distracted. So she got her own back, she kept on waking me up at 2am and I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. It was very frustrating. In the end I played cat soccer, very complicate game I might add, with her a few times a day and also talked to her, smooched and made her feel special. Last night she left me alone and is now fast asleep on top of the couch.

Here she is looking adorable of course

I have been trying to do more photography, but I have sort of made myself housebound. I hate going out now, even though I have to sometimes for psych or medical appointments. I have to get groceries too, but that's it really. I'm really broke too because Dov used all my money because he smoked dope and used all his money in a week and then being softhearted, I gave him some food. How could I not, but he is used to that. This fortnight I am not going to share, there are resources here where I live that can help him with food. It's only his pride that gets in the way. He always pays me back but it never lasts and I'm always without money on the Monday before I get paid

I do have a sore back today from sitting at the computer doing a uni essay, so I am going to go rest it. I hope you are all well, please take care and I will chat again soon. Sorry it took so long from last time.

Sarah xx

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Monday, March 9, 2015

Falling apart from falling apart - Trigger alert

Well I did get discharged from DBT because my doc wouldn't let me go home and I knew I wasn't ready. Now I have nothing on Tuesdays and Thursdays at the time I really need it. Dov and I broke up and Saturday and so I took another OD. At this rate I'm never going to be medically cleared for DBT. I am okay. Dov and I got back together, then broke up and then got back together. I don't know what the hell is happening. I think I need some more time away from him so I can find myself again. I am totally lost. I nearly OD'd again yesterday and then had horrible visions of jumping. I'm sorry if this triggering anyone. I think my Nana dying has set this all off. How do you deal with death? I am obviously not coping with it well. My mum and I were also not talking except we finally talked after two weeks of no contact yesterday. Was very emotional. I know I am really unwell. I just don't know what to do about it.

Sarah xx

Thursday, February 26, 2015

a quick post from hospital

Things fell apart, I mean really fell apart. I was told yesterday by Trudy that if I missed Tuesday next week, I would be discharged from the group. I will not let that happen. I will pull myself together as much as I can, I will be there, no matter what. I will be discharged by Monday. I will make sure I am okay. I unfortunately got put on a new anti-depressant that I've been on before, Pristiq. I don't know how I feel about that. I don't know how I feel about anything. Not much else to say really is there.

Sarah xx

Monday, February 23, 2015

Quick

There is a lot of fuzziness within right now. I just got out of hospital on Friday after being there for eight days. Mum and I aren't talking and I feel so disconnected from everything. In all honesty, I have no idea what to do. I am starting weekly sessions with Emma on Friday to try and start fixing this.

Sarah xx