Thursday, October 15, 2015

From bad to worse and back again

Lately I have really struggled to write on here. I mean really really. I sit and don't know what to write or just plain tired. But going a bit further back until now I have had other reasons. Like the fact that Dov and I keep breaking up and then getting back together. This time it was over drugs. I said I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't like it but I could at least live with it and then he used something worse and very addictive. I couldn't believe it and so I couldn't do it, told him so. him he had to get actively seeking help or that's it. It was very upsetting and he declined. It hurt so much. But then yesterday morning he came to me  (that's after 12 hours) and said he would get help. I was dubious. He came through though, he came clean to a psychologist here (too hard to explain the working of this place, it's complicated) but yes there is a psychologist here and also two visiting counselors. When Dov told the psychologist, he spilled everything and then he asked for help. Was so so proud. He did it in front of me. Happy! He has his first appointment with Rebecca on Friday. She is awesome too :)

Sarah xx

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Dealing with stuff

Well here in Australia it's around 5:30am on Sunday. I'm sitting at my desk but concentration is something that alludes me write now. I last saw Dov on Friday at lunch time. He came and got the groceries I bought him and he went home. I don't know what is going or what may have happened. One thing I do know is that he is smoking a lot of pot again. He usually hibernates when he has been smoking but this is the first time in all the time I've known him that he won't actually open the door and I hope everything is alright. They won't go in until three days have passed. I understand the law, I do, but what if something has happened. I'm not going to catastrophise.

Today I'm feeling good. My withdrawals are not so bad, just annoying. The same things are happening, I need to get used to it if I am going to get off this stuff. I'm so happy that I am just sitting in the emotions when I get them. Some are really hard, overwhelming but time is on my side. I don't have uni, just a few appointments in each fortnight, otherwise, it's getting used to the withdrawals so I can keep reducing.

--- oh, microsleep, sorry ---

Now that I've rudely interrupted myself sleeping at my computer, I will try and continue. I know you may not have noticed but hey, the context could have changed in that 20 seconds (humour me, lol). Oh yes, the drugs lately. I'll try not to go on about it too much. I am just really thankful I have a good doc, that's all I'll say about it.

I found out this morning that I lost all of Cali's kitten photos. I got her when she was 2, which is amazing because was so tiny then and when you see the photos she looks about 6 months old. I did find them on my photo storage account though and I'm happy I did. Here is what she looked like then

Above photos taken on the second day I got her
What a joker :-P
Six months later, she actually looks smaller, lol, but by then she had a little belly

Can you tell I am doing anything to pass the time? Can you tell I really suck at that? When I finish this what will I do? What if there is something wrong and I haven't seen him. What if... what if... what if !!! Sarah ==> don't forget to breath...

Saturday, October 3, 2015

New treatment team

I came in here to write a post and I jumped onto 'view blog' and noticed all the old treatment team still listed. I fired my treatment team basically. I was so pissed off with being drugged out all the time but it just took me a while longer to actually ditch them than what I thought it would. I had to get to the point where I wanted to change myself.

The first thing I did was look for a new psychiatrist. That wasn't too hard as my very close friend Jan had one in mind for me and when I rang to make an appointment, he was taking new patients and he was not too expensive. I then told Dr K that that was it, no more. She tried to tell me that my new doc doesn't like complex patients and I'm a complex patient and other things that messed with me in my last appointment.

My old psychologist wrote lets to Dr K and to my GP Tommy to tell them I was having a 'crisis' and that she believed my changing doctors was a part of that. I was like what is wrong with you people? I ended up ditching Emma because I just didn't trust her anymore and I found Moira and she is lovely. My GP knows her and interestingly enough, I found out Tommy used to be Dr G's resident about 8 years ago so they all pretty much know one another.

The other change I have made is that I (with help from Dr G) am going off my medication. Before I decided to make that change medication looked like this: Lithium 750mg; Lamictal 250mg; Abilify 20mg; Seroquel-XR 600mg; Lyrica 300mg. Pretty scary huh? I have made a 25mg reduction of the lamictal, down to 225mg. I'm going to do this tapering super slow. I know so many people that are coming off drugs and they come off too fast.

So I am going to taper small amounts every four weeks. That may sound slow but I'm on a lot and I need to let my central nervous system time to catch up. I know it will take a very long time but I want to get out of it in good shape and not like some of the people I have met that did it cold turkey or they are disabled because of it. It's very scary. If you read Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whitaker you may get where I am coming from and I am still in the middle part of it, it's amazing but a little hard going at times.

So my withdrawals suck, even just that tiny amount has sent my body into a spin. I have headaches, tingling in my head, muscle cramps, generalised shaking (body core and hands), weakness in limbs, and nausea. It's not all of it at all times. I know it will pass and I'm pretty cheerful considering. Things will be just fine. I know it will because I know myself and I know I can do this without a doubt :)

Sarah xx

Sunday, August 9, 2015

a long long while

I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to write. I've been so busy with uni and just life in general. I'm learning to cook and if I had my photos om here I would show some of the things I've been making. This woman has come a long way since her eating disorder days. I'm so thankful. Today I went to the markets and bought some organic produce for me and Dov.

Another awesome thing is my friendship with Sussana. Such a lovely person who I really love hanging out with and her friend moved into the building too, so we have all been hanging out a lot. Only problem with Sussana is she is allergic to cats. Bummer!

Oh, I fired both my psychiatrist and psychologist. Long story for next time. I have been writing alot of short stories too. Oh, yes I will be posting some short stories on wattpad soon. I just need to get onto scrivener to sort them out. I'll keep you all posted.

That's it for now but be safe and keep well!

Sarah xx

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

a long while

It's been a while again since I posted. I've had a lot going on. Since I last posted I found out and realised some things. My diet issues gave me a huge slap in the face. After having a low blood sugar and going to hospital because the ambulance people wanted to take me to mental health, but didn't, confusing but a long story, I had to change my whole diet. I did too, I changed everything, right down to the type of milk I drank. I did this so I wouldn't have to have my body work so hard to process foods. At one point it looked like I had an enlarged liver, but that turned out to be a false alarm, thankfully. I am also almost anemic and my cholesterol was high. It was time to do some work and make sure I had all the changes in place that I needed, for example, iron tablets. I've had no sugary things since the last time I posted, like not chocolate and I rarely crave it. So I am happy where I am with that.

Bad weather got me yesterday and I had a fall in the rain. I was walking down a very steep hill and my foot slipped and down I went. I landed face first into the ground, hit my head; my nose started bleeding a little from hitting my nose, though I didn't break it; I cut my knee slightly, some light but nasty grazes, some right up my left leg; jarred my neck and both shoulders where I landed into them. Jeez I did a good job. I burst into tears and rang home and they said they'd pay for my cab if I paid them back today (I got paid today), so I did. Then the nurse here patched me up but the wound thingies kept falling off because it's near my knee and every time I bent it, they would fall off. I did eventually find something at my place and it covered it really well. I was very sore last night but feeling sore but okayish today. At least it's not meant to rain today

I'm going to post some more soon. I am having trouble typing and it's getting sore, so I will go and hopefully I will feel better soon.

Sarah xx

Friday, April 3, 2015

The big bad ED monster

No, I'm not relapsing. The years of abuse done to my body is finally catching up with me. You would have thought that having kinda let the ED go that I could move forward but sadly no. I am still eating in a very similar way than what I was when I had the ED but I have many more safe foods but I am also lazy. My laziness has turned into the chronic hate of preparing food and eating it. Maybe I am still in the ED, I don't know.

On the weekend just gone I had this internal shaking start. It's profoundly disturbing because you can't really see my hands shake but you can hold my hand and feel this deep trembling. At first my friend and I thought about a lot of different possibilities but when she started asking about diet, we found out that this shaking could be a warning of sorts, that I must get my diet into order. Do some research on food (which I also hate doing), I would probably also get some protein powder to start with.

Anyway, this shaking has given me anxiety, which I have transferred to Cali and so now she is stressed out. Some of her behaviours are clearly stressing that. Poor little pumpkin. When she gets stressed, then I get anxious and we chase our tails, well she does. So first things first, get some protein powder and research what foods are best to eat. I have found some already. If any of you have any really good nutrition sites, could you pop the links up in the comments section? That would help a lot. I was never one of those people with EDs that knew everything about food, I just avoided it like the plague. So yes, any blogs, websites, anything with quick easy recipes anything that might help would be great and I'm going to do some research too

Sarah xx.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

I am grateful - I live

I Live

I am grateful for the love I get
and how it makes me feel
I am grateful for my house
and getting my every meal
I am grateful for Cali
and how she likes me best
I am grateful for every day
because for life I have a zest
I am grateful to my doctor
and how I'm coming off my meds
I am grateful for daydreaming
and the love that Dov has said
I am grateful to DBT 
and how it helps me hold my heart
I am grateful to my drawings
and that it gives me a brand new start
I am grateful most of all
to myself because I know
that I am so much better off
I live, I love, I grow

I am feeling very grateful today, so I thought I'd write about it :)

Sarah xx

Monday, March 30, 2015

A video post from me

I decided yesterday that I was going to do a sound recording for you then when I tried to upload it, it didn't work because of its format. So then I had a brainwave (surprising I know, lol) to put it to a slideshow of photos (all of Cali, so I'm sorry if you don't like cats). It was a lot easier to make a little video for you with my message to you. Sorry it's late, I was writing an assignment due yesterday. I'll try and upload this now.


I hope this worked, I guess I'll soon see in a moment. Have a great day :)

Sarah xx

Monday, March 23, 2015


It's been a while. I am doing okay but had some stuff to deal with after the death of my grandmother. It was a pretty dark time and I am not going to really go into it here but I will say that I am sure she wouldn't have like to see the state I ended up in. My mother and I had an enormous fight, which also wasn't very nice. Then Dov and I broke up and got back together about six times, I kid you not. It was heartbreaking over and over again and I still don't think we out of the woods. I'd be surprised if we lasted a month. He wants to see other people as well as not lose me, I said no. I mean it too. If it comes up one more time, it has already come up before, it's all over red rover and this time I will really mean it. No more going back on my word.

Cali has also been out of sorts. I realised, to my horror, that I haven't been showing her so much attention lately as I have been distracted. So she got her own back, she kept on waking me up at 2am and I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. It was very frustrating. In the end I played cat soccer, very complicate game I might add, with her a few times a day and also talked to her, smooched and made her feel special. Last night she left me alone and is now fast asleep on top of the couch.

Here she is looking adorable of course

I have been trying to do more photography, but I have sort of made myself housebound. I hate going out now, even though I have to sometimes for psych or medical appointments. I have to get groceries too, but that's it really. I'm really broke too because Dov used all my money because he smoked dope and used all his money in a week and then being softhearted, I gave him some food. How could I not, but he is used to that. This fortnight I am not going to share, there are resources here where I live that can help him with food. It's only his pride that gets in the way. He always pays me back but it never lasts and I'm always without money on the Monday before I get paid

I do have a sore back today from sitting at the computer doing a uni essay, so I am going to go rest it. I hope you are all well, please take care and I will chat again soon. Sorry it took so long from last time.

Sarah xx

Wednesday, March 11, 2015