Sunday, April 23, 2017

I'm swinging

Hi Guys

Eating disorders don't discriminate and we all know that but it was driven home more so when I was in hospital with Sarah, who was a clinical psychologist with one of the lowest BMIs that I had heard of. She had to come from Tasmania (to Queensland) because she knew everyone where she lived and they weren't helping her. I can't get her out of my head. I'm putting on weight fast at the moment and since moving to BCG I have put on 10kg. That is hard to for me because I don't like it and it's not comfortable anymore.

So I am going to talk to you about the switch and many of you will know what I mean by this when I explain. So imagine I am going alone, like I have been and I put on weight. Well there is this period of time where it's all good, you are tolerating the weight and you're happy with it and if you weigh yourself, you might get to a specific number or you might try on a specific item of clothing (for me it's a number) and it's different every time, something just happens and the switch, which was off, gets switched on and you suddenly drop it all in a really short period of time. There can also be the period of time where you know the switch is coming, you can feel it and you don't know when but you know it's not long away before the relapse occurs.

So where am I right now, I am in the period of time where I am feeling it, I know it but feel powerless to stop it because it feeds on itself. Everything I think about right now is about food or weight or my body and if I can't do anything right at that moment, I start thinking of self-harm. I found the start of it all though. The actual original trigger for my eating disorder. When I was 13 my mum lost her baby while pregnant and it practically killed her. So she didn't eat and didn't eat and soon she was borrowing my clothes, well since she was older, it made me feel like I was fat, that I should be smaller. When I was in my late 20s I was overweight at one point, not hugely but enough, again it was mum, she said Sarah, if you controlled your portion sizes and did a little bit of exercise, you might lost weight. Duh! You can guess what happened, my first and worst eating disorder - what can I call it - (well it's not a replase because I hadn't really done that before), you choose a word, lol.

So then I think about my mum's other behaviours food wise and she has so many ED traits it's not even funny but she is overweight. She thinks in an ED way just not as extreme as me. It will just be a thought and she will say "I need to lose weight" but she will just eat better food. So what happens if you are a little agoraphobic as well. Then that sucks huh. You can't go out an exercise on your own. I am okay in my building and going out with others but I can't go anywhere on my own unless it's dire, like a psychiatrist appointment for example. Then I can get my sorry arse into gear. For me, I think I mentioned this, I was the laziest person that had an eating disorder, I never exercised, even when I was at my lowest weight, I just didn't eat. I guess it eventually gets you doesn't it?

Back to the switch. The switch is halfway between yes and no and the question is, do I want to do something about how I feel about my weight (yes), can I eat better and be careful about how I lose the weight (I don't know), by even contemplating losing weight, could I flip the switch (maybe) am I completely fucked no matter what I do because the switch is already flipped (most likely)!

I'll still be a hypocrite and say "Be Safe!" because I mean it and I want you to be safe, I just wish I could get my own toe over the line

Sarah xx

Saturday, April 22, 2017

An update and some photos of yesterday

Hi Guys

I went for a walk yesterday morning with Dov, my first attempt at exercise in a long long time. When my ED was at its worst, I was the lasest person with an ED I had ever met. I didn't exercise, if I had, I know things would have been a lot worse. Lucky me! Anyway, we walked the lovely Sussana to her ferry stop so that she could go swimming and she is having more trouble getting out of the house than me. So Dov and I thought that we'd walk her and then keep walking for us. My GP Tommy was very worried about me on Friday and decided that my prescription was exercise. Mainly to get out but also to get rid of some of this nervous tension I have at the moment from the ED thoughts. So I did and got some wonderful photos.

and off we go

My beautiful city at 6am

Southbank's fake beach

Buddha's birthday is coming and there are lanterns everywhere

All in a line

and more...

The weird water feature

More lanterns



My river city
Tommy, my GP really also wanted me to enjoy the world around me, so I thought by taking some photos that that would cheer me up and it did, I love them. They were all taken on my phone would you believe. Amazing now how clear our phones are now. 

So the last photo I LOVE. Sorry for the shout out there but I was checking out my new reading glasses out with the front camera of my phone, when I noticed this while I was lining it up... and she looks so adorable... says me ;-)

and I'm not talking about me. Cali has the perfect pose there

Personally I couldn't see a bloody thing because of my reading glasses but I could line her up at least as she was a little blob, lol.

So this is me for the morning and it's only 5.17am. I don't know what the rest of the day brings except for study and oh yeah another walk in about half an hour. Best go get ready.

Be safe

Sarah xx

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

I'm home, yay!

Hi Guys

I am so happy to be home. OMG, it's effing awesome. Love it. This is the first admission I have had where I haven't had the anxiety being away from the clinic/hospital whatever, in the first day. None, just relief. This is progress. It means that I am not triggered by hospital anymore like I used to. It used to be that I would get home and want to go again within the same day or the next. It was awful. This growing anxiety in the pitt of my stomach. It was horrible because I never felt comfortable in either place, just this unease at home or hospital, no matter where I was. I noticed a difference this time though and there are certainly groups that stick to each other there and they same groups were sticking together when I was there two years ago (in this particluar hospital). I stayed away. I stuck to people that didn't like groups. That didn't want to hang out except for breakfast/lunch/dinner, you get the picture and when I had eaten, I went to my room. It was lonely and boring but it worked.

Yesterday after I had packed up, I went to the consulting suites where the doctors see outpatients and made some appointments Dr K. When I got back to the ward my nurse Adam and I had a little chat. I told him I wasn't going to be doing groups (day groups) outside of hospital and he asked me why and I told him that I didn't want to get triggered by the hospital and want to be here after meeting other patients in group that weren't well etc and he was like, you know what, that is really good plan, but we're here if you need us. Nice to know!


The whole Rob thing didn't go that well in the end. I haven't said much on here I don't think about what happened but there was this one thing he said and my anxiety latched on to it and by latched on I mean latched to it for dear life in the hopes that it would never come true. Poor Rob I think regretted saying that to me. I can't say what it is on here because my anxiety would then delete my blog. I know, it's made you curious but, I just can't. We couldn't get past it. He reassured me again and again but the damage had been done and my anxiety was off and running with a life of its own. Within days I was shaking and freaking out and taking prn (when necessary medication) to help me to control the anxiety but I knew that that was that. I looked for another doctor but to no avail and in the end went back to Dr K, who I said I would never see again. She over medicated me and put me in hospital too much and I left two years ago because of that.

This time around it was very different. She saw a different person, one with terrible anxiety but relatively in control, on half the medication, last hospital admission 11 months prior at another hospital and the proof I so desperately needed to show her two years ago when this is what I wanted (half the medication and hardly any admissions) and now she knows that I can do it. I'm so proud of myself. I did miss her though. I do like her but she could be heavy handed with medication. This time around not so. She only added some Lyrica for my neuropathic pain and it worked with the tiniest increase. I didn't even know it came in that small amount but it does and it helped. The hospital bed was really bad (as they are) and I was taking small amounts of tylenol/paracetamol and ibuprofen to help with the overnight pain I would get sleeping on that damned bed. I can't tolerate pain medications more than those ones and they are bad enough, but at least it was only a little and now none.

Anyway, I've said enough, I'm tired, it's taken me an hour to write this so far and it's time to go eat something for breakfast. Be safe and as always, kind and gentle with yourselves.

Sarah xx

Monday, April 17, 2017

Last day here

Hi Guys

Well it's my last day here in the hospital and you'd think I'd be overjoyed and going home for leave but the truth is, although I am sooooooooo happy to be getting out of here, I have no motivation today to do anything. Dov is coming to see me, which is good and I'm looking forward to seeing him. I'm going to miss my Cali time today but will make up for it tomorrow. I just saw Dr K. and it's all good, though she said she is very booked out right now, which is not good but there is a new rule that says that I have to see her within two weeks of getting out of hospital, so hopefully that is good. Then I need to make an appointment with her once a month. Last time it was once a week, so I am coming up in the world, woohoo, go me.

I was talking to Sarah, the girl with the really bad ED that is also a clinical psychologist ironically and we were talking about how it feels at both ends of the spectrum. She has her incredibly low weight which is so anxiety provoking and I am starting to get the thoughts really bad, which tells me I am at risk of relapse. I don't want that to happen but there is a part of me that does because I am sick of being the way I am. I am not overweight, don't get me wrong but I feel wrong. My brain is telling me I am wrong. It tells me that all the time. It hurts.

So I am going to try and muster some energy to go on the group walk. How embarrassing to have to have a nurse to get you moving. Okay, be safe and be kind to yourselves. Like I should be, ironic huh?

Sarah xx

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Being brave

Hi Guys

I had the most horrible dream last night and I am not going to share it because I don't want to relive it. I struggled to stay awake after it because I didn't want to go back to sleep and no it wasn't a ED dream, it was a violent dream that was terrifying. I had taken the tiniest dose of seroquel two hours before and it was dragging me to sleep but I couldn't stay awake. I'm a bit freaked out this morning though and then I thought of this, which I am going to try and keep in mind today.

Being brave isn't always just about facing the scary stuff, it's about staying present while facing the scary stuff.

It's true, it really is. Staying present when there is bad stuff around is so hard.

Fast forward eight hours...

I went home for a while. I'm back and I don't want to be here. Facing the scary stuff, being away from my life is what I am facing right now. This morning I felt inspired by the day, but then I was running home to be there for a while. Now I've had to come back to this cold hospital and it's depressing. I said goodbye to my doc today and it made me cry. I felt a connection there in that moment and it felt really sad saying goodbye but my anxiety couldn't stay and that's the truth of it. My anxiety wasn't ready. Rob was ready but I wasn't. He is fighting the good fight, I'm just sitting like a lame duck. Oh how depressing I am this afternoon. I'm sorry. I'll write more when I'm more upbeat.

As I should be, be gentle with yourselves!

Sarah xx

Saturday, April 15, 2017

good and blah

Hi Everyone

So yesterday was good because I got to go home and see my furbaby (Cali) and Dov and Sussana and Wendy and yeah it was all good. Though... I ate a heap of chocolate and got triggered. I didn't expect that with all I said yesterday. Silly me forgot how easy it is for ED thoughts to break in at those times. So while I was trying to have a 'normal' day, it kinda got to me anyway. I came back to the hospital after day leave and I struggled to eat dinner. It didn't help that I was with Sarah and was watching how little she ate, it made me feel like a pig even though there wasn't much there anyway.

Today I feel a little better and I am going home today too but I have to wait for Dr K and see her to find out about her costs. My old doc, who I actually really like and has read this blog before, so he will most likely see this, will know that I am not coming back. I am cancelling my appointments next week because I don't think it's fair to do it by email again like I did before I came to hospital without telling him. I am worried about Dr K's costs and if she is too expensive, I will have no one and then that would mean that I doubt she will let me leave until I sort it out. It sucks. I hate having to worry about this stuff but I do worry and it's part of my anxiety stuff, which I am sure many of you can relate to.

So the plan is to wait today to see her, god only knows when that will be. This morning sometime but by the time she gets to unit 3 and who knows how many patients she has, it will most likely be lunchtime. Did I say it SUCKS! So, hope you are all hanging in there. I am now hanging in there too, by the skin of my teeth, ha ha, where have I heard that before. For those of you not in the know, it was the name of my zine series, lol. So I have quoted myself, do I need an attribution ;-P

Okay, off I go to wait, be gentle with yourselves.

Sarah xx

Friday, April 14, 2017

How I could have been triggered

Hi Guys

I saw progress last night. I was talking to one of the ED patients who is being threatened with the tube and I looked back at some really triggering photos or what would have been triggering a year ago even and it didn't do anything, I just felt sad for myself. I'm not going to post the photos that I found triggering or the dates and years that I saw them from, I'm sure you could find them if you tried hard enough on your own. I don't want to do any triggering of my own. It shows how far I've come in my recovery, that I can still feel okay, not knowing what I weight right now, kinda don't want to know, I'm going by my clothes and they still fit so it's all good. Love the hot choc here and was worried I was going to go the other way but am stable and happy being what I am and that is just average.

I feel for the girls that are forced to walk around with the tube all the time. I was lucky that was never me but I came close a few times and I was only admitted for an ED once. In any case all that is over now and while so many of us hate easter for the obvious reasons, I am learning to like it again. I hope this doesn't upset anyone but here I am a few days ago with a bunny during bunny season ;-)

I didn't last long

The photo was taken in hospital and for the record, I love bunny season now! I can't believe that I feel this way. I did when my ED was really bad but I just felt incredibly guilty for eating the eggs and then I would eat. I'm happy to say that I can do both now. 

Reflecting is both sad and cathartic at the same time. This blog has been going for eight years now and I'm proud of that, although there were times I barely wrote anything. There were years I wrote 3 or 5 posts a year (I think) can't be stuffed looking that up, I'm sure you can see that anyway. I think the thing I'm proud of besides healing, is the honesty that I've been able to keep up, even on my darkest of days I could still write how I felt. Sometimes too much I think. 

In any case, be safe this holiday season my friends, I hope you are doing okay and will get through as unscathed as possible. If you are still stuck, you are in my thoughts, each and every one of you. I was there and I remember. One moment at time, breath by breath. You can get through it. Please know that although it has a beginning, it also has an end. Keep that in mind if you are struggling. If bunnies are your thing, happy hunting. To all of you, I will try and update as much as possible. I am being discharged on Tuesday, so if I don't, see you at the other side. Be gentle with yourselves.

Sarah xx

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

and it is...

Hi All

Well I am in hospital. More tomorrow, this is just quick update really. Letting you know I am AOK!

Sarah xx

Hospital looks likely now

Hi Guys

Things have fallen apart fast. Quicker than I would have imagined they would have. I am waiting to hear back to see if I am getting admitted to the old hospital I used to go to. I don't know if they will find a doctor for me yet. I am also waiting to hear back from another hospital that I have only been to once. I think the former will be more likely. I will let you know. It certainly is not going to be a comfortable process.

Take care

Sarah xx

Saturday, April 1, 2017

How things can change in 24 hours

Hi Everyone

How things can change (for the worse). Dov and I have hit a massive hurdle yesterday and I don't know we have the strength to make it this time. I know I have said this so many times, over and over, but it's just the way it is I guess with addicts. He will always be that, if he says he won't, I can't believe him but studidly I get sucked in. Yesterday I took away his access to my unit and I stopped communicating with him and told him off for the way he has been acting. He also put me in possible danger by a chance of a person getting into my unit if he left his swipe card laying around. It so could have happened, I feel betrayed by him even visiting this person as he knows what this person did to me and he doesn't care. He's too into his drugs right now.

All that stuff I posted yesterday has kinda gone out the window. I am stuck feeling like crap and feeling used and feeling hopeless. I want to self harm really badly right now. I did about a week ago and the memory of that hasn't helped. I haven't eaten, I can't right now. It makes me feel sick thinking about. I'm drinking tea and water. I'm trying to pull it together but it's not working right now. I'm not supposed to fall apart like this but right now, there's nothing else left to do.


Sarah xx

P.S. I hope you like my colouring in owls