Eating disorders don't discriminate and we all know that but it was driven home more so when I was in hospital with Sarah, who was a clinical psychologist with one of the lowest BMIs that I had heard of. She had to come from Tasmania (to Queensland) because she knew everyone where she lived and they weren't helping her. I can't get her out of my head. I'm putting on weight fast at the moment and since moving to BCG I have put on 10kg. That is hard to for me because I don't like it and it's not comfortable anymore.
So I am going to talk to you about the switch and many of you will know what I mean by this when I explain. So imagine I am going alone, like I have been and I put on weight. Well there is this period of time where it's all good, you are tolerating the weight and you're happy with it and if you weigh yourself, you might get to a specific number or you might try on a specific item of clothing (for me it's a number) and it's different every time, something just happens and the switch, which was off, gets switched on and you suddenly drop it all in a really short period of time. There can also be the period of time where you know the switch is coming, you can feel it and you don't know when but you know it's not long away before the relapse occurs.
So where am I right now, I am in the period of time where I am feeling it, I know it but feel powerless to stop it because it feeds on itself. Everything I think about right now is about food or weight or my body and if I can't do anything right at that moment, I start thinking of self-harm. I found the start of it all though. The actual original trigger for my eating disorder. When I was 13 my mum lost her baby while pregnant and it practically killed her. So she didn't eat and didn't eat and soon she was borrowing my clothes, well since she was older, it made me feel like I was fat, that I should be smaller. When I was in my late 20s I was overweight at one point, not hugely but enough, again it was mum, she said Sarah, if you controlled your portion sizes and did a little bit of exercise, you might lost weight. Duh! You can guess what happened, my first and worst eating disorder - what can I call it - (well it's not a replase because I hadn't really done that before), you choose a word, lol.
So then I think about my mum's other behaviours food wise and she has so many ED traits it's not even funny but she is overweight. She thinks in an ED way just not as extreme as me. It will just be a thought and she will say "I need to lose weight" but she will just eat better food. So what happens if you are a little agoraphobic as well. Then that sucks huh. You can't go out an exercise on your own. I am okay in my building and going out with others but I can't go anywhere on my own unless it's dire, like a psychiatrist appointment for example. Then I can get my sorry arse into gear. For me, I think I mentioned this, I was the laziest person that had an eating disorder, I never exercised, even when I was at my lowest weight, I just didn't eat. I guess it eventually gets you doesn't it?
Back to the switch. The switch is halfway between yes and no and the question is, do I want to do something about how I feel about my weight (yes), can I eat better and be careful about how I lose the weight (I don't know), by even contemplating losing weight, could I flip the switch (maybe) am I completely fucked no matter what I do because the switch is already flipped (most likely)!
I'll still be a hypocrite and say "Be Safe!" because I mean it and I want you to be safe, I just wish I could get my own toe over the line