Monday, December 5, 2016

All over red rover

Hi Guys

So... for the last two weeks I have been pretty paranoid. Since I now know this, it probably means that I'm not anymore. I'm sorry if you were worried, so was I actually. I am happy I am through it, I nearly drove myself even madder than I got.

Thanks for staying with me

Sarah xx

Sunday, December 4, 2016

The Sarah saga continues

Hi Guys

I'm still here, living and breathing and doing relatively well. I've had some rather disturbing thoughts this morning but they are just thoughts and I can get past them. I'm only mentioning them because they are better out than in. Still feeling caught/stuck/trapped in a way. I don't know what is going to happen. I feel like I am being watched, by more than one person, like many people (this may sound crazy, but I'm telling you it's for real). Powerful people. Not people that you would know but powerful people anyway. So where do I go? Who knows where! I'm scared. So why am I talking, because if people know how I feel (and yes this will sound crazy) and something happens to me, it's all here.

Oh but then, I am but mosquito in a very big web.

Stay safe as I try too as well

Sarah xx

Friday, December 2, 2016

Stuff that's eating me up

Hi Guys

I can't say much right now and I'm sorry if you are worried about what I have been posting but it's how I feel and I guess I get like that when I can't 'talk. I feel back at square one. My business stuff has ground to a complete halt and I feel all up in the air and everywhere. I have some limiting beliefs right now and I can't help that. The higher you float, the harder you fall I guess, seems like that. 

I have wanted to self-harm again. Yesterday was awful. I have nothing to do it with, so don't worry and the staff here know that I am feeling like this and are keeping an eye on me. I guess there's just been some things that were overlooked while we were setting up our businesses, mainly that we ARE vulnerable. Yes we can do lots of stuff but when I crash for example, it's never pretty. It's loud and it usually takes down half the population at the same time and that's just me. Well, that might be an exaggeration, lol. 

I do have a plan and I am going out on my own. I am going to volunteer at a local neighbourhood/community centre and I am going to get my foot in the door that way, though I will get to know them first and then introduce myself and my scrapbooking and/or cardmaking. Do some pro-bono work first and then see if I can find people that way. But a foot in in a community centre would be great and I'd be getting out of the house. I'm here too much.

I am going to keep doing my life coach training. It's going well, though don't really want to do the next lot of work because it is about business training 101. Ugh! Just don't really want to go there right now. I am going to go at my own pace. I'm not going to stop. I am also probably feeling like this because of a lithium decrease, it's not helping. Oh well, you know, we all live and learn and I've learnt a great deal.

One other thing I have learnt though is, even when all odds are against you, you can do it, even when you think you can't. Right now I have the "I can't" in my head but maybe I need a rest. A break and then see what happens.

I have to think about number one now. I can't look at anyone else because I do feel myself falling, I don't want to drag anyone else down with me.

Be safe and so will I

Sarah xx

Thursday, December 1, 2016

angry anymore

I don't feel angry anymore
just tired
sad
scared
alone
very alone
and
lost
will I be 
f
r
e
e
 of this?

I don't know!

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

I feel...

Hi Guys

I feel... lost for words, I feel... freer, I feel... sad for some, I feel... a little boxed in, I feel... okay with me, I feel... kinda lost but in a good Sarah way, I feel... in charge, I feel... (and now it's building) powerful, I feel... strong, I feel... I untamable, I feel... like this is me and I won't change for anything or be a puppet for anyone. I won't let myself be dragged down or put in a position where I have to choose sides. I will not allow my friends to be hurt, coerced or made to feel any less than they are because I was frightened, sad, scared, alone but those feelings aren't necessary because when you stand up for what you really believe in and what you really want to do and get out of life, you can do whatever you want and it's no one else's business. When you feel strong, you are strong, it happens slowly but then suddenly, it's there. Said and done, move on...

Thinking of you guys and thanks for being my sounding board. You rock!

Sarah xx

Monday, November 28, 2016

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Making it more comfortable and growing at the same time

Hi Guys

Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking and talking to my mum and my friends and I have decided to come at this business stuff a little slower. I am freaked big time about just jumping in and so I had a thought, I am going to do some volunteering at a community centre and spread the word there about my business through people that know me and have seen me there. I feel much happier doing that. People here may think I'm putting the brakes on and may think I don't want to do this, but I am aware of the fact that I am withdrawing right now (lithium) so I need some stability and not a lot of rocky uneven worrisome thoughts. I can't afford those at all. I don't want to go down, I only want to go up.

I feel like my business will definitely get there, I would prefer though it to be slow and steady not flat out and burn out. I have plans and soon I am going to get some marketing help too. Yay. I was also going to move away from here, but have decided against that. I am going to use the volunteer work to get out of this place for a bit each week. I think that is also preying on my mind. I live here and I work (my business from home) from here too. I don't get out much and when I'm home I'm usually working. The only thing I can't seem to do is my book work, lol, I can get it done but am stuck at the moment. There are things I can do though.

So my plan for today. I need to do some book work funnily enough, now that I mention it. I am going to make some cards because I can't help it ;-)  and I think I will watch (yes boo me) vampire diaries. I find it totally takes me away from the real world for the whole time I watch it. I really need that sometimes.

To everyone that celebrated Thanksgiving, I hope it was a lovely time or at least comfortable anyway. Family can be tough, can't they? Yes, mine can too.

Be safe

Sarah xx

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Fear but chugging along anyway

Hi Guys

I have made my flyer to go around to people in aged care facilities and I've done that several times. I keep making new flyers and then starting again. I am afraid. I am scared of failure. I know that the only failure I'm getting right now though is the one of not getting off the ground. I'm going to say to you that I am going to get some of these flyers printed and posted by next week or I could get the email address and email them or I could go to bed and never come out. Why is this so scary for me? Maybe because I've never done this before and I don't know what will happen. Ugh. Okay, I'm procrastinating. I am going to work on some cards and then figure out, yeah I know, I 'm still procrastinating. Sigh!

Here's some new cards

new stamps I got from Red Door Stamps

Red Door Stamps stamp

Stamp from Lavinia Stamps

Stamp from Lavinia Stamps

Stamps from Hero Arts

I am eventually going to bring out my own stamp designs, that's going to be awesome. I can't wait. For now though, I am really super happy that these incredible designers, do what they do.

These are mediocre cards. I am going to make some more now so I can put them on my website. 

Stay well

Sarah xx

Monday, November 21, 2016

My speech, ED, Fantastic Beasts and construction sites

Hi Guys

Wow, it's been ten days (now eleven, sorry guys). I had my birthday in the middle, so I think that's where I went off track. Since then I have done my speech and it went really well. I got a huge round of applause at the end that seemed to go on forever but it was awesome and so worth all the time practising. I'm glad I did it. I'm going to try and put the speech in here, or at least link you to it, so you can see what I've been up to lately

video


So all my worries about my eating disorder scare a few weeks ago have gone away. I am okay pulled through and each time we kick its butt, is another day we go on fighting. I think it's when we let it in, even for just a moment, that we start to lose ourselves to it. Believe me, it happens so fast, one minute you are fine and then bam, you are hitting your head against something hard and heavy. So now I am just going with the flow and taking each and every day as it comes.

I have one weird thing though. There is a construction site next to my building and yesterday that had all these cranes and things up blocking my whole street, but I've been feeling weird. Like drugged in a way, dizzy (and I can only describe this in this way) in my face area. I am scared there is something wrong or they are doing something wrong and either don't know or don't care. I noticed it first when I came out of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them and I was dizzy as all hell. Just thought it was because although we didn't see 3D, it was still like that almost, I felt it was motion sickness thing, but it never stopped. Dov has it too, I don't know if he still does because he is next door snoozing right now. So here's my public record. If they've done something, meaning to or not, then it happened on 20 November. OR I'm being paranoid, lol, probably that.

Be safe

Sarah xx