Feelings and medication

Have you ever wondered if when you take medication, how it is really effecting your true emotions and mood/feelings? The reason I asked is because I am pretty sensitive to my feelings and my mood and today I sort of ended up in a cranky mood. I'm not normally a cranky person and I wondered if the drop of the lithium dose was the problem as I am so sensitive to that drug. I was walking into the city with Dov and everything was pissing me off. So I started talking about it and we decided that I just had to go with it and sit with it.

I bought a new 4mm circular knitting needle and then when I got home realised I had lost it. I was so disappointed. I raced out and tracked back my steps but it was gone, so I amazingly for me, let it go. I would normally race of and end up buying a new one but instead I turned around and made myself go home an accept the loss and instead use my straight needles which I really didn't want to do. In the end it turned out for the best and I was even proud of myself for not getting angry and impulsive. So now I am feeling happy but still a little sad I lost my new purchase, it would have been fun!

Sarah xx

it always comes back to here

How many times have I created an old blog only to want to come back here? Well the creating is always fun, but half the time I don't keep the blog and I think the new one I created is going to have the same thing happen. I love THIS blog and I have worked so hard on it. I can always change it and make it look different, a new look but I will most likely always come back here. So here I am again, back here :)

So what's new? I am now off of one lithium tablet, I was taking three. My doc is getting me off my meds slowly over the course of the next four months. It was only going to be two months but all the wedding stuff got pushed forward to January after both Dov and I really wanted to wait and save more money and have what we wanted. We were both getting really stressed out and we both didn't realise that the other felt the same until I bought it up. Anyway, after coming off of one lithium, I'm not looking forward to getting off of the rest and the rest seems a lot:

500mg Lithium (going off of)

10mg Abilify (going off of)

400mg Epilum (going off of)
5mg Zyprexa (going off of)

7.5mg Oxazepam (going off of)

400mg Seroquel-XR (going on a higher dose)

 

No wonder I was a zombie before, holy shit, that's a lot of tablets to be going off of and I've already gone off of Lamictal and Diazepam and normal seroquel but the 100mg tablets and most of the Oxazepam. How I ended up on all of this who knows but even down to what I am now I feel very alert and happy. My psychologist on Friday asked if I was wearing make up because she said not only did I look really well but I was glowing, which was nice.

 

Today has just started for me over here in Oz but I'm sure most of you will be enjoying (or not) your Friday night! It's very clear over here this morning too and it's going to be a nice day but cool. It's still not really autumn here, autumn seems to have gone missing somewhere. Have a great day/night, wherever you are in the world :-)

 

*hugs*

Sarah

New Blog

Well I started a new blog and I have decided to not close this as it has been very good for me at times. It has helped me reach out to you all when I didn't know what to do or where to turn and I want to say thank you to those of you who do read and also those who then comment too. So thanks. I will pop back here from time to time but I'd really like to have a 'clean' space, if you know what I mean. So here is the address of the new blog http://115daysandmore.blogspot.com.au/. I'll probably post there a lot more than here but like I said, I will be back here too.

*hugs*
Sarah

I don't know where to start...

What a difference a year makes. Last year was really rough! I had my marriage breakdown and I was hospitalised countless times because I couldn't cope with life. Fast forward a year and I am happy. I have dealt with my addiction to Valium and have removed it from my home. i am off of lamictal, 100mg seroquel tablets and oxazepam.

Dov and I are going really strong and we are actually going to get married. In human terms we haven't been officially together for too long but in that time we have spent days and days getting to know each other and it just feels like he fills that empty hole up that I had in my heart. I feel whole again and with him I am so calm.

My doc is so happy that she is taking me off a bunch of medication. I started going off of lithium yesterday. I go off of Abilify next week and then more lithium. She wants to get me down to seroquel-XR only.

After the wedding which is later in this year, we are going to try for a family. My doc has seen the most amazing change in me and has been fully supportive. My psychologist also was completely supportive after seeing me so well yesterday. She asked if I was wearing make up and I said no and she said, you look so well, you are glowing. My doc said that it's nice to work with me rather than for me. It is nice.

My weight is stable too. I have given up artificial sweetener, skim milk and fizzy diet drinks for a start. Instead having raw sugar and mineral waters and plain water.

I am going to be starting another blog right from scratch I think. It will be my journeys through happiness. My wedding stuff and all that comes after. I am no longer a lunatic and this blog will always show the well but also the sick me. I think a new start is a great idea. I will let you all know my new blog when it is ready to go.

Thanks for reading and be safe, happy and well! A huge hello to new readers, thanks for joining us!!!

I love living! Awesomeness :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Awesomeness

I've been doing so well lately, even despite the hospital admission which was actually a record for me anyway and it was actually good. I had become addicted to valium and I went off it cold turkey, bad move. I had advice from two people though beforehand, my mum a senior nurse and my outreach nurse Sue and they both said that would be okay to do it that way. I since found out I could have had a seizure with the amount I was taking a day to just have a nap. I then went off my when necessary seroquel 100mg tablets and then it was the zyprexa that I was actually supposed to be taking. It was all a bit of a disaster really because when I went off the zyprexa, firstly I got manic almost straight away, I was really high and agitated. My new boyfriend Dov was struggling with me because I couldn't calm down. I ended up going back on the zyprexa and woke up the next day with a horrible crash. It truly sucked that I still didn't have my high, nice-ish to have but not productive. I went to hospital that day after almost 7 weeks out, my record before that was only a pitiful three weeks. I only stayed in for 5 days, when normally it would be 10 days to two weeks or more. I came out really well, I still am, bar some anxiety in my CBT group yesterday.

Yesterday at group a girl got upset and burst into tears and ran out of the room in one activity with one of the psychologists going after her, then another girl burst into tears and asked the other psychologist if she could speak to her and then they went outside. So when they came back in we all talked about the situation, which was very uncomfortable, so my legs started to jiggle. To finish we did a stupid game to release the heaviness of the group, we'd all been affected. I hate games, so I jiggled some more and it got worse, I started to sweat. Did I say I hate games? I know I did but I really hate them. I get embarrassed during them terribly and my mind goes blank and everyone is looking me. I hate it. GRRRR!

I got home and Dov was waiting for me, which was nice. We went shopping, how exciting ;-) and then we had breakfast cereal for dinner, yeah, really healthy, he he. Other than that we just hung out together. He's an awesome musician and so I he has music today, he plays the piano and guitar really well and he can sing, I love listening to him. He also used to be a dancer in the Australian Ballet. Love love love! He is awesome. He is such a gem. How corny is that!!!! I am truly happy for once in a long time. I'm off the valium still, I occasionally take a small dose of seroquel, only 25mg or 50mg if it's bad, enough to take the edge off but not to bomb me out. Proud proud proud of myself. Anyway, I am going to wake Dov up, did I tell he lives next door! I never knew to start with. Funny how things turn out. Anyway, over and out, hope you are all doing well. I promise to try and read some more blogs and at least try and leave a message, but I find that so hard these days. Especially now I am studying again. Okay, really going now. Take special care, each and every one of you and thanks for reading.

*hugs*
Sarah

we went for a walk with cameras

Here are my some of my shots.

 

 













There you go, just a quick post and I hope you like my photos.

*hugs*
Sarah







10 Randam Photos

I said I'd bring them to you, so here's some things that are happening in my life right now. I hope you like them.

My new hair, it not quite as bright, but I like it

 

My new green shoes

 

My Eco mugs which I carry around when I want coffee somewhere, usually the big one ;-)

 

My favourite tea

 

Yummy cinnamon orange tea

 

My 'a brand called ED' pencil case

 

The purple beanie I can crocheting

 

My out of control wool bin, of which I have two :-/

 

My hot pink journal

 

Incentive for staying out of hospital. If I can stay out for six months, I can have a kitten

 

I am so stoked about being back online chatting you all of you out there. I am so well right now and it's awesome. I love that I can do what I want when I want to out of hospital and I did get into the habit of going in because I was lonely and now I have Dov, it's awesome. If you have any questions about him, feel free to ask. I love talking about him. I'm going to see my supervisor for my PhD today at 2pm and I am very excited. Anyway, I'd better get out of my pajamas and into some clothes for the day.

 

*hugs*

Sarah

Wow

I can't believe it was last December that I last wrote in here. A lot has changed in that time. I am doing well, I've stayed out of hospital for a month now, which is good because I was going in every week and then staying for ten days, then out for a week, etc. It was madness. I lost moo. She didn't die, but she went back to Andy when I went into hospital and he let himself get breached when he had a house inspection when we would normally hide her. Then his brother asked if they could have her, problem solved - NOT! The [insert expletive] person, Andy's brother, surrendered my cat to the RSPCA. I was devastated and I still miss her but I rang them every day until she got a home to see if she was okay because I wasn't allowed to have a cat here until I could show some stability. So, on June 29 I am going to put in an application for a kitten, because that's pretty close to six months.

I have a new boyfriend, his name is Dov and he is lovely in every way. He treats me so kind and he is just amazing. Andy has been hard to deal with. Since Dov came onto the scene he has blocked me out completely and I know this is normal. He is probably hurting a lot. But I just rang him to say hi and he spoke to me for 2 minutes and he basically told me to go away. Oh well I am just trying to be a friend to him.

I just got my nose and eyebrow pierced again. I know, I've done it so many times. Plus I am going to dye my hair bright red. Just for something completely different. I started uni to do the Bachelor of Psychological Science and I hated it. So I pulled out before I got charged or had academic penalty. I am instead going back to my PhD in film and I have a meeting with my supervisor tomorrow. I have to read Film Art as quickly as possible so that I can be ready because I have forgotten so much of the terminology. I am very excited about doing the PhD, there will be ups and downs but eventually that will smooth out.

I feel so normal. Barring the hair, nose and eyebrow, but hey, uni students can dress or appear really any way unless it really is pushing the boundaries. It's such a nice feeling. I'm going to take some photos later on so maybe I'll do a ten random photos later. Must dash though, I hope you are all doing well out there in blogland and I'll chat soon. Hopefully with my photos!

*hugs*
Sarah

a lot has happened

So a lot has happened over the last little while. I have been thinking about posting for a while now but the timing just never felt right or I got distracted. I'm going to uni next year and got official notice that I did get in. I am doing a Bachelor of Psychological Science and am very excited despite the scary sounding subject I am doing in semester one in February Intro to Cognitive and Biological Psychology. I know it doesn't sound scary but I didn't really do the sciences in high school or should I say I did the very basic one and failed. I have however managed to excel in uni going as high as starting my PhD but stopped because I had just finished my honours year, which I got first class in. Not bragging, just saying I think I will be fine.

I am only doing one subject in semester one next year because I want to ease in. I'm also not very good at math and I have to do statistics in semester two, the joy!!!! The other reason I decided to do the above subject on its own is because the final exam is worth 45% of my final mark... eeeekkkk. I want to be ready for that one. I'm a bit of a nerd when it comes to study. I always have my readings done ready for class starting that week. I can't help it, it's just me and I think it's a really good thing because I am never trying to catch up.

I also finally have Moo here and she is so funny. She jumps and climbs and does all those Moo things however, she has now ran up the curtains 3 times, so mad at her then. I'm renting here and she also scratches the bed, even though she has an enormous cat tree that has carpet on it that she can scratch as much as she likes. She is getting the hang of it though and the naughty stuff only happens when I haven't played games with her that morning.

I found out I have carpal tunnel syndrome in both wrists, so no crochet for a while for me, which I am so bummed about. I am in the middle of two blankets, ugh! I am seeing a specialist to get it confirmed on 15th January. Though I do believe for sure that that is what it is. It started to hurt when I started typing and I also got pain when I tried to do some crochet. I only got two clusters done and had to stop. In any case I am typing with one hand now so better go, ouch!

*hugs*
Sarah

P.S. Please everyone stay safe over the holiday period and have some fun if you can :)

Happy on her cat tree :)

My world has changed

I have a purpose in my life or should I say several. Firstly I am going back to uni next year to do a Bachelor of Psychological Science and I am very excited. Secondly I am starting to write a new zine called Face to Face. I am still in the thoughtful production stage so I won't say anymore just yet.

As most of you know I moved into an amazing apartment complex 2 months ago, well I finally met a friend, Kerry, she is lovely and special and she also has the move dignified Siamese cat you have ever seen and he accepted me right away. He rubbed his little pointy face on my hand and then touched his nose to my nose, which amazingly enough happens with most cats. I found a tarot set just with cats a nod so I put it on layby. It's my birthday on Friday so I might just treat myself.

In other news there was a massive fight in the lobby last night and I was sitting one of the lounge pods crocheting when I saw this guys stab would and it just me want to self harm, so I dissociated. Kerry thought I was going into shock but I wasn't, but she hugged me anyway, but I couldn't respond. In the end one of the staff looking after the man rang Paul and he came straight away and took me to a staff only area and he helped me com e back. He is a nurse and a social worker, so I was in good hands. Then  I came to me place and just went too bed. I got an intercom call about two hours later from a support worker and although she woke me up, she ended up coming up and talking to me about what happened. It was good.

Last bit of info, my zines are now live at http://www.etsy.com/shop/MoosZineCorner?ref=ss_profile.

Enjoy!
Sarah