Tuesday, August 26, 2014

She just looks lost

I was going through my photos on my computer this morning adding some pictures to my phone and I found this one of me taken in February 2011.

Me Feb 2011

I look at that girl's eyes and she looks so haunted and lost, anxious even. I want to give her a hug and tell her that although there are some dark days ahead, that things will get better, that they won't be this way forever. She may not believe me and I suspect that she wouldn't but I would have loved someone to tell me that back then. I remember those days were filled with paranoia, fear, hurt, betrayal and all those things would make anyone go where I went. I am glad all those dark things happened though and that might sound crazy but what I trying to say is that, through the dark comes the light, I believe that be the case for me anyway. I have had many dark times, but I have always had a light at the end of that bend. I'm very lucky. If I hadn't had those dark days back then, I would not be here now. Dov and I are about the celebrate next week our one and a half year anniversary. I am so excited.

I hope anyone that is struggling right now has some moments of peace on the horizon. My prayers go out to you!

Sarah xx

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Just checking in

I have been so bored lately having withdrawn from uni for study period 2 and it doesn't start again until the 1st September. I have been doing a lot of knitting and a lot of sleeping, just trying to keep on top of things. I have struggled a fair bit with the lack of brain stimulation but hey, it's only three and a half weeks away until I start back again and I am doing two subjects this time. I don't know if it will drive me mad or not, I hope not. I do have until the census date upon which I can withdraw without academic or financial penalty, which is in week three, I just hope I know by then whether I am sinking or swimming - sigh! There is no other news to report at this stage, which is pretty awesome. I'm glad I don't have any not so great things going on except boredom. I hope all is well with all of you out there! There is some good news actually. Cali has finally put on some weight, she has started to settle down and I think she finally knows she is home, is loved and is going to continue to be fed. It's so awesome to see my little kitty grow!

Sarah xx

Saturday, July 26, 2014

New things

I didn't realise how long it had been since I had made a post and I'm surprised I didn't because I have been bored out of my brain since I withdrew from my last uni subject during my hospital four day hospital stay about three weeks ago. I had an assignment due, I was having huge trouble, my mediation was being changed yet again and I couldn't concentrate, didn't know how long the side effects/withdrawals would last. Pulling out seemed like a good idea at the time but then leaves me totally out of the loop until study period 3 which starts on September 1st. Then I will be doing two subjects and will probably go out of my mind since I haven't done two before in this way.

I don't know you guys know how I am studying but it goes like this: I am doing it totally online. There are four 13 week study periods a year that run back to back, no breaks in other words unless you withdraw. I am doing a Bachelor of Arts in Professional Writing and Publishing and so I have some core subjects to do and then I can pick electives. I study through this big online uni that have about 10 uni's around Australia who let us study through, so by this I mean, OUA is my main uni but my program is owned by Curtin University in Perth and I do my main core subjects through there barring one or two and then I can do electives anywhere as long as it's listed on OUAs website. Might sound confusing but it works really well.

In other news, I have a new sport. Rollerskating. I love it. I got my skates on wednesday and I am having so much fun. I used to have a pair of skates when I was young, like say 11 and I skate all over the place but always got into trouble for skating through the house. We had these awesome verandas and so I'd skate all over the front, through the house and then all over the back and back again. I even remember a few moments of skating on the trampoline, yes, scary! I had no fear. I was a skater and a trampolinist, so why not try and combine them :-P

 My cool new skates and old stripy socks :-)

Anyway, I hope you are all doing okay. I often come here and check out blogs when I can. I think I might have to start working on my zine again. I forget about all of that even when I am bored. So everyone keep safe and be well!

Sarah xx

Monday, June 23, 2014

Here's to 75,000

I just want to say thanks to all of you out there that read my blog, it has reached 75,000 page views. What an awesome thing -- thanks!

Sarah xx

The day I nearly died

I was dreaming. I could see my mouth and it was open, trying to breathe. I saw my last breath. I sat bolt upright gasping while on the top of Dov's bed. I had taken an early nap. I got really scared and I told Dov that I though I nearly died. He sat bolt upright too and he asked me what I meant. I said it was because I had been lying on a high pillow, which was unusual for me and my chin was pressing against my throat. I know I had been struggling to get breath for a while, I could feel my body letting go.

Dov and I were both really concerned that if that's all it was, then what do I do when I go home to sleep. in any case, I did go home and that is when I went to take my hoodie off and found that it was tied up really tight around my throat. I remember doing that because I got cold, but it ended up being the culprit of nearly strangling me. It was what went wrong, the little bow that had tied it up was also cutting off my airway. Scary. I went back to Dov before I went to bed, which is what I didn't want to do anyway and said, "look at this" and he did and he said he felt better that there was a reason for it all. I know I had nearly died because this happens to me sometimes. But every time I get a dream if I am asleep and I can wake myself up easily. It's an awesome thing.

Later on after I had done some study, I rang Lifeline just to touch base with someone other than Dov and I told the counselor my story and she was awesome. She put my fears to rest and I was able to go to bed with no music and no seroquel, yay, go me! This is the second time in six months that this has happened and last time I woke myself up too. I use my own voice and say to myself, Sarah, wake up now. Sometimes I get an image, like last night, of me dying and I will also tell myself to wake up. Last time was a massive racing heart that I knew if it went on in my sleep like it was doing, I was going to actually have a heart attack. I woke myself up.

I feel so lucky to have this mechanism. I feel blessed!

Sarah xx

Tuesday, June 3, 2014


Well you know how things go pear shaped, well they did for me - big time. I became psychotic after Dov's drug habit got out of hand. Didn't know if I shared that or not. He has been smoking pot for a long time, too long but it shot up some speed about four weeks ago now, wow, how time flies. I got really upset about it and angry, but also suspicious because I told the support workers here about it and I was convinced that the drug dealers were going to murder Dov as a message to me to 'shut' the fuck up! It was so scary that I couldn't talk to anyone that day. Anyway, they went on and on until I thought I was is such mortal danger that I was putting Cali in danger too. In the end I was too unwell and got shipped off to hospital for 10 days, though you know what, I can't really remember what happened while I was in hospital. Just that I was there and then I wasn't.

I got home from hospital and I noticed two things, a box of valium and a box of seroquel. I did a silent 'yes' and took some valium. I know I have a drug problem, but one and a half weeks later I was admitting to the nurse that works where I live that I had had 31 valium, 25 seroquel and 7 olanzapine over the past week and a half. I had also self harmed and burnt my toe accidentally which is what she was dressing when I told her. She said 'well let's go up to your room and I will take the valium and give it to the weekly nurse'. So she did and I have 19 valium somewhere downstairs. I also have to admit it to Dr D today, she didn't know about the valilum. She won't be happy. They are now talking about installing a metal locker in my bathroom that is quite small and lockable and leaving the drugs in there and the nurses keeping the key but coming up and giving it to me if my neck gets sore.

There were two other reasons I think I got unwell. One day I forgot to take my medication and my uni assessments were all coming in and I was under so much stress. I did my oral presentation, which I was so proud of because I have never done one before at uni, I got out of them all and went to hospital instead. I had two more assessments, one easy - a reflection journal - very much the style of writing I do in here, so I did that easy and had it in the day the last section of it was released to us and then I had a horrible essay that was a second draft from and earlier submission. I had an extension for it but I was so proud of myself again when I got it in on Sunday because it meant it was the day before it was due for everyone, go me!!! It also meant I had finished that unit! Woohoo!

Then I got sick - no one was surprised but me - no one could understand me on the phone. Today I sound much better and breathing and smelling is so much easier.

Yesterday (Monday) I started my second unit at uni - Writing, Rhetoric and Persuasion - I am liking it so far and lucky for me am up to date so far but OH MY GOSH the first lecture was so boring. I was falling asleep in my seat and I was at home, thank god I wasn't there, how embarrassment. I really do like online study but you do at times need so much motivation because you don't have a physical in front of you lecturer telling you to do this or that or whatever.

Anyway, the other exciting things are that Cali and I have been 'cat and staff member' for 3 1/2 months. She is beautiful. I am getting a new bed, yay, but oh fuck it's expensive. I'm getting it on the 12th June. Dov and I are back on track and are going really really well. My sessions with Jonathan, the drug and alcohol counselor are going really well, instead of a slip or lapse, we both reckon I had a full blown relapse. Yes well! What can I say.

Here is one of Cali's obsessions:
When she doesn't get her way

The destruction and I have many more boxes like this on my floor :)

Sarah xx

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

All is well, things are soon to change

Hi Everyone

I hope you are all doing well right now, or at least the best you can. I am doing well. I have been out of hospital for three months now and soon am about to embark on a new journey to either my old doctor or with a new doctor. I don't know which at the moment. I am going to really miss my current doctor but I can't afford to see her anymore. I am sure there will be some tears when I see her on May 19 for the last time. I promise to not fall apart though and I am pretty sure I can do that.

I am the most well I have been in a number of years. This is because I have been taking my medication and due to the fact that I am busy with uni and my beautiful furball (my cat of nine weeks on thursday) Cali. She is such a sweet little thing. She is leaping in the air playing right now because it's nearly bed time and bedtime is fun time for her. She is being very noisy actually. Since she was an abused rescue cat, I have made a commitment to her to be here for her and not leave her to go to hospital.

It was this reason too that made me want to switch doctors because I have an easy way into hospital right now but soon I won't. If I see my old doctor, he will not allow hospital unless I am in danger to myself, not on a whim like I have over the last few years. If I see a new doctor and I won't know this for about three and a half weeks, give or take a few days, they will probably need to get to know me first. I really don't want hospital to be an option. I want to deal with things on my own using the skills I have learnt while I was going to hospital.

See the thing with Cali, my cat, is that this beautiful little kitty was definitely mistreated. She often shy's away from my hands when I lean down to touch her. She eats all her food straight away without hardly taking a  breath and then she chases food all day and night long. If I so much move in bed, she will wake me because she wants food. It's really heartbreaking to think of what she went through but small step by small step, she is learning that she will always be fed, she will never be hit or hurt and she is going to be loved. I wake up every morning to her sleeping against m stomach and she only sits in places where there is some scent of mine on it, she constantly 'talks' to me with a trilling sound every time I walk past her. It's very cute. Having her and caring for her makes me want to be well for her and for me too but definitely for her. I have fallen in love with this little ball of fur. She is so special.

Here's to being well for a really long time!


Sarah xx

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The first photos

I finally managed to grab Cali and my Nikon at the same time. Cali was gracious in letting me photograph her but thanked me by waking me up this morning by biting my big toe on my left foot. No idea why. I am really pissed off though at the supposed animal rescue place that said she would come fully treated of parasites and have been desexed, vaccinated and microchiped. Well I hope she has been vaccinated and microchipped, I know she  has been desexed as her belly fur is still growing back but she has indeed come to me with fleas and worms. Today I am getting both her flea and worming stuff and she will hopefully not be hungry all the time and itchy as all hell. Poor thing!!!! Anyway as said, here are some of her first portrait photos.

She is so pretty
Sniffing the air

She's so tiny


Now I promise not to keep boring you all with cat photos, but since these are her first pics that I took myself, I wanted to post them.
Update: I got Cali's flea treatment and worm treatment today and I think she has been abused too as she cowered and meowed when we put on her flea stuff. It was awful and I felt horrible afterwards and I still do. I am really angry with the kitten rescue people as they claim that all their cats are looked after well. Well not this little munchkin.
Sarah xx

Friday, February 21, 2014


I had my new little furry friend Cali arrive yesterday and she is awesome. She was smooching within five minutes and has the most placed nature. She follows me everywhere and always lets me know she's there all the time. It's so hot here at the moment and you just can't do the lap thing right now so she's on the floor at the foot of my chair. I keep having to remind myself of not only how tiny she is for two but how quick she is too. She is like a little arrow but much prettier. I know this little kitty is going to help me patch up the spaces between when Dov and I are together and when he is off somewhere and I have Cali to keep me company. I know it will help too with the whole hospital thing, this little kitty is so special to me already that I couldn't imagine being away from her and not being her full time carer at that time. I'll post some pics when I can get her to stand still.

Sarah xx

Sunday, February 16, 2014

I don't want to die

I realised this after waking up with mild chest pain yesterday that I just don't want to die. I've never had that so prominent before, so huge and glaring at me. It made me think of the pain others would go though and it made me realise that I will never over take seroquel again. I am Since Thursdaay I have had two tablets.

One Friday when I was really stressed out and last night when some rude person outside was whistling to their friend from on the ground of the apartment building I live in at 12am, I woke up and ended up staying up for an hour be when I tried to go back to sleep I just couldn't turn my mind off of getting my cat on Thursday.

So now I am using relaxation music to sleep and now also I am not letting myself sleep during the day. I had a great music session with Dov last night with his piano and my clarinet. It was awesome. My technique has flown along.

But anyway back to not dying. I lay there in hospital terrified that I had done some heart damage with my use of seroquel. In the end it turned out to be anxiety, I was so happy. I came home not only with good news for Dov but my revelation and he was just so thankful. I can't believe that in two and half weeks we'll have been together for a year. Awesomeness.

Sarah xx