Tuesday, April 15, 2014

All is well, things are soon to change

Hi Everyone

I hope you are all doing well right now, or at least the best you can. I am doing well. I have been out of hospital for three months now and soon am about to embark on a new journey to either my old doctor or with a new doctor. I don't know which at the moment. I am going to really miss my current doctor but I can't afford to see her anymore. I am sure there will be some tears when I see her on May 19 for the last time. I promise to not fall apart though and I am pretty sure I can do that.

I am the most well I have been in a number of years. This is because I have been taking my medication and due to the fact that I am busy with uni and my beautiful furball (my cat of nine weeks on thursday) Cali. She is such a sweet little thing. She is leaping in the air playing right now because it's nearly bed time and bedtime is fun time for her. She is being very noisy actually. Since she was an abused rescue cat, I have made a commitment to her to be here for her and not leave her to go to hospital.

It was this reason too that made me want to switch doctors because I have an easy way into hospital right now but soon I won't. If I see my old doctor, he will not allow hospital unless I am in danger to myself, not on a whim like I have over the last few years. If I see a new doctor and I won't know this for about three and a half weeks, give or take a few days, they will probably need to get to know me first. I really don't want hospital to be an option. I want to deal with things on my own using the skills I have learnt while I was going to hospital.

See the thing with Cali, my cat, is that this beautiful little kitty was definitely mistreated. She often shy's away from my hands when I lean down to touch her. She eats all her food straight away without hardly taking a  breath and then she chases food all day and night long. If I so much move in bed, she will wake me because she wants food. It's really heartbreaking to think of what she went through but small step by small step, she is learning that she will always be fed, she will never be hit or hurt and she is going to be loved. I wake up every morning to her sleeping against m stomach and she only sits in places where there is some scent of mine on it, she constantly 'talks' to me with a trilling sound every time I walk past her. It's very cute. Having her and caring for her makes me want to be well for her and for me too but definitely for her. I have fallen in love with this little ball of fur. She is so special.

Here's to being well for a really long time!

Cali

Sarah xx

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The first photos

I finally managed to grab Cali and my Nikon at the same time. Cali was gracious in letting me photograph her but thanked me by waking me up this morning by biting my big toe on my left foot. No idea why. I am really pissed off though at the supposed animal rescue place that said she would come fully treated of parasites and have been desexed, vaccinated and microchiped. Well I hope she has been vaccinated and microchipped, I know she  has been desexed as her belly fur is still growing back but she has indeed come to me with fleas and worms. Today I am getting both her flea and worming stuff and she will hopefully not be hungry all the time and itchy as all hell. Poor thing!!!! Anyway as said, here are some of her first portrait photos.

 
She is so pretty
 
 
Sniffing the air
 



 
She's so tiny
 

 Poser
 

awww
 
Now I promise not to keep boring you all with cat photos, but since these are her first pics that I took myself, I wanted to post them.
 
Update: I got Cali's flea treatment and worm treatment today and I think she has been abused too as she cowered and meowed when we put on her flea stuff. It was awful and I felt horrible afterwards and I still do. I am really angry with the kitten rescue people as they claim that all their cats are looked after well. Well not this little munchkin.
 
Sarah xx



Friday, February 21, 2014

Wow

I had my new little furry friend Cali arrive yesterday and she is awesome. She was smooching within five minutes and has the most placed nature. She follows me everywhere and always lets me know she's there all the time. It's so hot here at the moment and you just can't do the lap thing right now so she's on the floor at the foot of my chair. I keep having to remind myself of not only how tiny she is for two but how quick she is too. She is like a little arrow but much prettier. I know this little kitty is going to help me patch up the spaces between when Dov and I are together and when he is off somewhere and I have Cali to keep me company. I know it will help too with the whole hospital thing, this little kitty is so special to me already that I couldn't imagine being away from her and not being her full time carer at that time. I'll post some pics when I can get her to stand still.

Sarah xx

Sunday, February 16, 2014

I don't want to die

I realised this after waking up with mild chest pain yesterday that I just don't want to die. I've never had that so prominent before, so huge and glaring at me. It made me think of the pain others would go though and it made me realise that I will never over take seroquel again. I am Since Thursdaay I have had two tablets.

One Friday when I was really stressed out and last night when some rude person outside was whistling to their friend from on the ground of the apartment building I live in at 12am, I woke up and ended up staying up for an hour be when I tried to go back to sleep I just couldn't turn my mind off of getting my cat on Thursday.

So now I am using relaxation music to sleep and now also I am not letting myself sleep during the day. I had a great music session with Dov last night with his piano and my clarinet. It was awesome. My technique has flown along.

But anyway back to not dying. I lay there in hospital terrified that I had done some heart damage with my use of seroquel. In the end it turned out to be anxiety, I was so happy. I came home not only with good news for Dov but my revelation and he was just so thankful. I can't believe that in two and half weeks we'll have been together for a year. Awesomeness.

Sarah xx

Friday, February 14, 2014

Cali

I am so very excited right now. I am getting a beautiful new addition to my household, a cat named Cali. She is so pretty and lovely and I can't believe I am actually getting her. This time next week, she will be here with me.

 Isn't she beautiful :)

Sarah xx

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

yesterday

Well yesterday was awful. I have my medication packed at the pharmacy and given to me on a weekly basis due to the fact that I stuff around with it. Well I have been over-medicating for a while now and I mean on a daily basis. Like I will take my PRN medication, my only when needed medication and instead of taking it through the day, I take it all at once. Yesterday I went a bit further than that. I peeled open my last two packs of pharmacy bedtime meds and took out the olanzapine (5mg) and I took them with 10mg of diazepam and 200mg seroquel. I slept for three hours and then I was wide awake and functioning. I'm crashing at the moment from a manic episode and so now I everything feels awful and terrible and sad. I feel so sad. I just want to sleep. I hate having this awareness of what's going on and have no power to stop it. It's so frustrating. It scares the crap out of me. Don't worry, I am okay and I'm having my second session in a week session with her (this never happens) today. Along with Dr D, Emma, my psychologist, also though I should be in the clinic for a bit. I think Dr D is going to push that today, especially since I had to go to the pharmacy and ask for more olanzapine, embarrassing. I just want to be okay again. I wish I'd never messed with my meds when I was so well.



Sarah xx

Sunday, February 9, 2014

The moments in the cartoons

A couple of my cartoons :)

Cartoon 1


Cartoon 2

At least I have fun doing them!

Sarah xx

Saturday, February 8, 2014

I'm a drug addict

There is no other way to say that but the truth. I'm psychologically addicted the 'drugged out' feeling I get on seroquel. Yesterday I took 500mg extra. The day before it was 800mg. You may be asking me why I am sharing this with you, well it's be because once upon a time Sarah only had 25mg and it made her sleep for hours. 1200mg now in a day doesn't faze me and I take it with Valium sometimes too. I was so out of the other day that downstairs I was waiting to speak to social worker and I was sitting on what I call the lounge pods which are big flat round lounges with no backs at all. Emma told me to go to bed, it was only 12pm.

I wish I knew how to make myself want to chase that feeling all the time of being drugged and sleeping. During one spout I slept for three hours yesterday and in the afternoon for one. I am seeing a drug and alcohol counselor on Monday and I'm hoping that will help me with other addictions too. My psychiatrist believes I have a spending addiction because when I am awake I only think about what I want to buy and it keeps me awake at night going over and over the lists and I make notes in my phone to buy whatever it was on Monday. I guess at least I can say the words, I'm a drug addict. It was so hard to admit at first. Now it's not comfortable but it's okay, it's safe to say in this place where there is so much support.

I guess if there was anything I could say to you all, it's that if you want that drugged out feelings try and distract yourself from the 'thought'. It's not an emotion, it's a though. Here are some mindfulness help cards I use them sometimes (yes sometimes) and they sometimes work. I made them a long time ago and I have posted these before but a long time ago in 2010 when I was I was doing DBT and they do seriously work you try them. If you try them. I'm so lazy that have the time they work and have the time they do nothing.







I know these sound really stupid but they do really work when you are committed to trying them, included. The other thing is to journal everything and anything. I choose to write and to cartoon my day and I find it helps. That's all I can manage right now but I hope one day to go back to these cards and work with them. I hope I can!

Sarah xx

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

10 random photos

I haven't done this for ages so I thought I would show my world in pictures in my 10 random photos moments.

Crazy moments

Very comfortable and funky too

Almost done

My very messy hospital bed

My art space at home

My favourite painting that is on my psychologists reception wall

A rainbow

Finished and snug as a bug

My latest beanie

How I get around these days

Sarah xx









zine


I am currently writing and cartooning a new zine and for those of you who don't know what they are, they are mini magazines, just called zines and they are totally DIY writing, layout, printing, publishing and posting to people who want to buy them. I have two main zines, one called By the Skin of My Teeth and My Baggy Pants. The first one are stories from funny and not so funny incidents that happened to me over the years with bipolar. The second zine is about my dealing with getting an eating disorder and recovering from it. Some though I have still have to be very vigilant about these days still.

So now I am working on a new zine that starts where to last issue of By the Skin of My Teeth left off in around 2011/2012 to now and how things are for me these days, getting over Andy and falling in love with Dov, dealing drug addiction, plus little flashbacks to the funny stories from mental health related stuff that I thought would tie in nicely with issue one of By the Skin of My Teeth. This one though is also half cartoons, so it's going to be interesting to see how it all turns out. In any case, the writing and drawing of these things has so far been very therapeutic.

Sarah xx