Thursday, July 30, 2009

Too fat, I hate myself

I feel so horrible right now! I just got on the scale and I'm so horribly fat that I feel like crap! I wish I could just not eat and ignore the hunger like I did last week. That's it, tomorrow I am going to eat as little as I can. I am so sick of hating myself because of my weight! I'm disgusting, horrible and FAT!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Busy

Well uni went back yesterday and OMG it was so busy! I had over 70 emails and a heap of students at the counter. I got nearly none of my own work done and I have so much to do.

The weekend was okay. A did not end up going away afterall. I was happy that he stayed. I really wasn't looking foward to staying on my own!

Well I'm ready for the onslaught again today. At least it keeps me busy and keeps Ana's voice away!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Nervous

I must admit to being nervous today. Tomorrow A goes away for the weekend and won't be back until Sunday night. In the past this wouldn't worry me as I lived alone, with the most beautiful cat, for 11 years. I was fine with this. But then I met A and then we just haven't been apart in the last few years. It was not intentional, just happened that way. I think I'll be fine, but you just get used to your comfort zones I guess.

I also have a pain clinic appointment this morning with consultant looking after my case. I have a feeling he is going to talk medication. I'm dreading it! I get sick on everything I have been given before, besides paracetamol (like that helps).

Food is okay... but only okay. I guess I'll see how I go.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Panic

I was making my tea this morning and sort of not concentrating and when I got the milk out of the fridge, I accidently picked up A's full fat milk. I only noticed it as I was pouring it into my cup and without even thinking about it, I gasped and threw the whole contents down the sink and started again. I then felt bad because A hates wasting stuff, but there was no way I was going to drink that. I wonder what the rest of today will bring... and it's only 5:23am :-/

Monday, July 20, 2009

2kg in Nine Days

I weighed myself tonight and I realised that I have dropped a very large amount of weight in only 9 days. I should be upset about this, but instead it has given me a high feeling. I don't know how I feel about this. Should I be upset? I'm just not sure. I know my pdoc would not be happy. And I don't think that A would be too happy if he found out. Luckily I have the file hidden within a series of other files. My life is just changing rapidly right now. I'm lying to so many people.

You know the ones, the oh yeah, I've just eaten. Or, I ate at such and such before I came. The feeling of not being hungry is making feel really good too. But, the only problem is, I don't think that I will ever be little enough. Will I ever be thin enough in my own mind. I still see all this fat and I just want it to be gone. But I don't want to lose A at the same time. Torn!

Avoiding food and everyone

Well it's been flat out at work today. There was a big morning tea on today to welcome the head of school back from leave for the start of semester two which starts next week. I was dreading it, what with Friday's disaster lunch!

In the end it was easy, I told them I'd mind the office and take all the student enquiries. It worked and in a way it was better because I did have over 70 emails when I got to work this morning - ugh! Though last semester it was worse.

Don't get me wrong, I am eating but I want to have the control! I lost it on Friday and to be honest, I really couldn't care less what they think of me right now!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Hiding

I must admit that although I've had a really great weekend, I've totally let my ED take over again. On Saturday I weighed myself and in one week I've lost 1.4kg, which is a lot. I have also got to the point where I'm not hungry anymore. The thing is, I feel proud of myself for it.

I am starting to read all my favourite poetry - Sylvia Plath; Jim Carroll and Anne Sexton - and have started writing again. I've decided to do a scrapbook album of my fav poems and some of my best photography. I am telling people that this album will be to keep me positive but I think in some sick way, it's to keep me from eating!

A is going away next weekend and I'm worried I just won't eat. Though he doesn't know that and I would never tell him as he is so excited to see his mates! I must admit I just want to be thinner! I have tried so hard to not listen, but the voice is so strong.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Best day ever :-)

Hi had a really great day! I helped A's mum buy a scrapbooking album for her brother's 70th and then me and A scanned and got her photos printed. I got the best deal on the photos. I was told to get them to the shop by 2pm and I did, but when I got there, the machine had broken. So the lady said I could print them in the instant machine, for the price of the cheapest prints (19c rather than 49c) yay! A's mum was so happy that she bought us a present!

Then I made my brother's 21st invitations! They came out really well! Just watched a realy good movie too. So, I've had the best day and I had a really good weigh in this morning.

Yay for me :-)

Disaster

When I got to work yesterday, I remembered that one of our academics was going to be making us a lunch that was from her home country. Immediately I thought OMG... what will I do! In the end I just stopped thinking about it because it was doing my head in. As I was walking to the room, I was dreading it. I was hoping though, that she would make something really spicy (I get asthma from spicy food), unfortunately no .

The whole room was set out really nice (in one of our class rooms) I sat down with this horrible sense of dread. What would I do. I couldn't be rude and say, I'm sorry I can't eat your food. The first thing was the drink... she had made a coconut milk drink... ewww, so I had organic apple juice instead. So I just thought I'd see how I went with the rest. First dish was potato soup... I hate soup and my heart just sank. I took maybe three mouthfuls and didn't eat any more, though I did say that I just don't do soup.

Then she got out the next dish. First there was rice (I can handle that) and then these other two containers of brown stuff I couldn't see. She handed the rice around and then I did see the first container and made a silent groan... beans of some kind... I loath them. When it came time for it to be handed to me, I passed it straight on to J and she took it. No one said anything. The last container had some kind of beef I think, which looked okay, so I had a bit of that. I noticed that everyone else's plates were piled over and mine was just this tiny little pile.

Then she handed around some almond bread and some scorched almonds, which I had a few of both. Then she said we all had to have some strong coffee... I also don't like coffee... Food wise, it sucked!

Then they all started to talk about their children, I don't have kids (and theirs are teenagers) I was so bored. I just hope I didn't offend her.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

No words really

I don't really have anything to say, other than this is not working. I have thought of all these things that could be making me relapse and really believing that when I talk about these things that it will make things feel a little better. It's not! I saw my pdoc today and he said that he's not sure what we can do other than see how I go. The ED doesn't seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. Part of me wants to give up. Part of me wants to give in. Just let it do its thing. But I can't do that to A, he would be so upset. He needs to live a as close to normal life as possible. So I need to just keep up appearances I guess. J and C at work sort of know and now J is sort of asking if I have eaten all the time. Wish I had kept my mouth shut. Sick of this never ending see-saw :-(

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Red Flags

So what has made me relapse.... Well a number of things really and I didn't really understand what I was feeling or why. A few months ago I lost a friendship that had been going on since 1990. She was my best friend. The problem though was that she continued to treat me like I was not as good as her. That my job wasn't as good, that I wasn't worthy. One day I just realised that I was better than that, so I called her on it via email. Chicken I know! She didn't respond. I emailed her again about 4 weeks later and said again, that I may have come across very angry, but I was hurt and I believed that she had treated me badly. I also said that I was sorry that I didn't say the things I did say very well and that I had been a little unwell at the time (manic) but that I missed her and wanted to sort it out.

That night she rang me. She said she would "take into consideration" that I wasn't well at the time, but I had really hurt her. I was so angry that night, obviously she just thought the things I said were all about me being unwell and were not justified and it made me feel so invalidated. When I got off the phone from her I had a think about it. I got angrier and angrier and so I told her that right now I wished to no longer be friends with her and that I couldn't be treated like I didn't matter. I was acting very brave and said it didn't bother me and I held it all inside. The thing was, I thought about her every day. When I felt awful or crappy, I wished I could talk to her. I missed her a lot and I still miss her. While I was in the pool the other day, in pain and hurting, I cried and I thought of S and how much I missed her and how much I just wanted to talk to her. The problem is, although I know where she works and could get in contact with her, I realised that I am important and won't let anyone treat me like I'm nothing.

The other thing was that when I got manic that time in January, during my last serious relapse, I had to come to terms with the fact that I may never be able to have children. I felt my body had betrayed me by not being able to stay off medication long enough. With S though, I know she had issues when I was at my skinniest with my ED. She always was the one to be skinnier and I think she was jealous of my weight.

I don't think she realised though that to have an ED, is a constant struggle and battle that doesn't just go away when you decide that you wish to try and recover from it. Recovery is so hard and anxiety ridden. It takes every effort to tell yourself that the low fat milk is not going to kill you, that it's got more nutrients in it than no fat skim milk. That cheese will not make you balloon like an elephant and that a little fat will actually help you to think! When I relapsed in January, over the baby issue, I started to see a dietitian. He made me research about fat and how fat helps your body. I work at a major university in Australia and I can't afford to not be able to think and have my brain function properly, especially when I'm working with students on a daily basis.

I love my job and I know what I was like at the height of my ED in 2005-2007. I couldn't think. All I could think about were the numbers that ruled my life and how many calories were in that or this and what weight I was that day, that hour, that minute.

So... what do I do now. I know that I have had a relapse and just admitting it has pushed a lot of the feelings out. I seem to only relapse when something is bothering me or when I'm feeling something that I can't put my finger on. The actual ED behaviour is like a red flag. It's so much easier to just start restricting again. At least that feels like some kind of control NOT! I think the big thing though is when I start avoiding my psychiatrist. He's pretty cluey with me since I've been seeing him so long. I'm seeing him tomorrow again and he said the other day that when I work out that I need a support network around me, usually we can figure out why I have relapsed. What the REAL issue is. What I don't want to face.

Tomorrow we are talking about S and I will be able to tell him that it hurt she never fought for our friendship. She never said, I know I hurt you and I'm sorry. She never even tried. It was all about her and how she felt and not how I also had felt hurt and I might add, this feeling of being hurt for me had been going on for about 5 years. I just never had the guts to tell her. I will tell my him that I feel sad I will never have children. That I can't risk being unwell and that it's okay for me and A, that we have each other and he is really okay with that. That he has said to me, that I am more important. I will also say that I have now stopped hiding from A and that I have come clean with what is really going on in my head and I feel like a big weight has lifted from my shoulders. I no longer have to hide what I'm reading or writing since most of relates to what to do about my ED. I don't want for him to feel so bogged down with me and my issues all the time.

I really do want recovery. But it's so hard to continue with these relapses. These issues that I've been hiding are actually really big issues. I'm surprised my relapse wasn't worse and only lasted for about a month and most of the time it was just the ED voice telling me how undeserving I was. There was some restriction and some overeating, but I don't purge (never have) and I am too lazy thankfully to exercise, so I don't over exercise either. It was just a lot of fighting with myself over that amount of fat, or that amount of food, or how skinny that girl looked and how huge I felt. I will one day beat this. I am not going to let this rule my life forever. I don't want that. One day I will boot the ED for good. I guess I just have to be vigilant and keep trying and not give up. Know that I am worth it and that everyday is special in some way, it's just how you perceive it. I think also I have to keep an eye out for those red flags, when I start to hide everything. I have to realise I'm not dealing with something and that I have to start doing some digging to try and figure out what is wrong and can fix it, so I can start to heal.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Pain

I had my hydrotherapy session yesterday and afterwards was in the most unbelievable amount of pain. Apparently I wasn't meant to be in pain. As a consequence all the rest of my hyrdro session have been cancelled. I had to go home from work early as I was in so much pain and I just burst into tears at about 2:00pm. I am still sore today and am home. The stupid thing is, the lady that was with me in the pool put this rubber ring around my neck and basically floated me, with supports under my back and feet, from my neck. I have idea what she was thinking. Except that she said the "warm water" would help me. Unfortunately I do not find the water warm, although it's supposed to be 34 degrees. I shiver uncontrollably when I get out, which doesn't help either.

ED wise I have been okay. I'm seeing my psychiatrist today, so hopefully we can figure out what is going on. Usually I only have my ED symptoms when I'm anxious or worried about something or have some kind of emotion that I don't want to deal with. Fear is also a big one for me and I often do not know why I'm scared, just that I am. Sometimes though I don't want to know why I'm scared, then I don't have to face it and it doesn't feel like I'm climbing a mountain and I can control myself through my ED -- very healthy (NOT)!

I feel really bad about work too as I have had so much time off lately. At least with me seeing my psychiatrist today, I don't have to leave early on Thursday, which I think they will be happy about.

Pain pain go away and please don't come back another day .

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Ugh

I feel so fat! So out of control and just awful. I have been fighting all day. I've eaten and I've hated it. Wish I could turn the thoughts off. They are so loud today! I'm dreading tomorrow. In the pool with all those people that can see me :-(

Too much surfing

I really have to try and do other things today than sitting at the computer and surfing the net and reading blogs. I have decided that as of 9am, which is just over an hour, I have to move my butt away from the computer and do something else. I plan on doing some scrapbooking today and working on one of my albums. I should also read some more of the book that my physio has me reading called Explain Pain, which so far I have really easy to read. I also might watch some more of Medium, which I actually really love watching. I am up to season 3 on DVD.

When I had my appointment with all three physio, occupational therapist and psychologist, they said part of my problem is pacing. I do things for too long. I'm really going to try this today!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Finally

I have had the hugest headache for the last 4 days. Finally today it has gone away. This is something that I struggle with all the time. I will get these headaches and they last for ages and the pain is awful. The problem is, is that I can't take most pain medications. The only thing I can take, that I know of, without a horrible reaction, is paracetamol. It usually does nothing to stop/reduce the headaches I do get and these headaches go right into the side of my neck and up over the top of my skull. By day four (for some strange reason this is my normal length of a headache) I just want to cry. In February this year, after being on a waiting list for over 8 months, I had my first appointment with a multidisciplinary pain clinic at one of the largest hospitals in my city.

It didn't go to well, mainly because at the time I was manic (I also have bipolar disorder) and I didn't realise. The doctor I saw then sent me to see his psychiatrist (by then I was on new meds and okay) which went well. I then had another appointment with a physiotherapist, occupational therapist and psychologist, to try and work out what I could do to manage my pain. I saw the physio and he told me that for the neck problem I have, I had too much of a range of movement and therefore could never find a neurtal place to hold my neck/head. He gave me exerices, which I might add have made things worse and booked me into hydrotherapy for 6 weeks. I had my first of these appointments on Monday just gone and I was not impressed. I had no clue how what I was doing was going to help me and they didn't tell me either. I even told them the exercies I had been given, were making things worse. They said nothing. I rang on Thursday and expressed my concerns with the receptionist there and she said that she was surprised they didn't help me and said my normal physio, who has been on holidays, will be back on Monday and will talk to me about it then.

Anyway, back when I saw all three of these specialists, the OT said they would help me find the right kind of pillow, as I sleep really badly and I know that this is part of the problem. With the issues I have, no pillow on the market, fits me. I always need more support on one side than the other. She said she was going to help. I haven't heard a thing. The psychologist at my appointment said I didn't need to see her again and left it at that.

Now I am worried as I see the consultant I originally saw in February on July 24 and there will most likely be talk about medication, which I am dreading. I just don't tolerate medication. It makes me vomit continually, shake, feel dizzy, feel like I have ants under my skin and the list goes on. The worst one, tramadol, made me vomit uncontrolably for over 12 hours. In the end I was just dry retching as there was absolutely no liquid in my stomach. I am so not looking forward to this appointment. I guess the good thing though is that they know I'm not just after drugs! When the physio I saw said they would look at medication with me, I said, yeah well good luck, I won't be holding my breath!

The really sucky thing is, I think my headache is coming back. I had it Monday last week, then it went away and came back on Wednesday and finally went away this morning and now I think it might be coming back. Where is that damn OT and a solution to my horrible pillow situation. I'm not feeling too confident about the pain clinic right now. I'm not looking forward to my second hydrotherapy session even though I will finally meet my 'real' physio. Argh! I just feel like I'm tricky and I don't know if they can really help! I'm also dreading sleep tonight. If I sleep badly, which I do often, I could end up starting another round of a four day headache :-(