Friday, August 28, 2009

Two posts deleted

Because they were embarrsing, I have deleted two posts from a while ago. I hope suddently something that was in them doesn't cause a newer post to not make sense.

Still bloated and feeling yuck and still 57kg :-(

I did end up taking laxies but they haven't worked yet. Ugh!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

I'm dreading weigh in

I don't want Saturday to come but at the same time I do. I don't want to weigh myself because I'm all bloated and horrible. I had to start taking iron tablets due to my iron levels dropping again and we all know what iron tablets do (or should I say do not) do. I know this is way TMI but I am so constipated it's not funny. My belly is sticking out a mile and I can't take any laxies tonight as last time I took them I had to keep running to the bathroom all day at work. I weighed myself last night and I was a horrible 57kg. I'm so worried as to what is going to show on the scale on Saturday.

But then I am looking forward to Saturday because I get to go get more stuff for my Christmas cards I'm making... remember sorry I can't eat as I have glue, ink and glitter all over my fingers and I really have to finish what I'm doing before the glue dries... This works so well :oP

One more day of work and then the weekend, which I both like and dread at the same time. At least at work A can't see what I eat, or should I say what I don't eat. Though the last few days have been a free for all. I feel like every bit of food I looked at had a flashing neon sign that said eat me! Totally sucks . Why can't I get more control? Can I blame it on my period that should be here in a few days... ugh!

Part of me is really looking forward to my day surgery so I can fast... legitimately! Without A jumping up and down about it. I must be mental, looking forward to day surgery just so I know that I can't eat.

There's this girl

I'm at the train station and on the next bench over from me there is this girl eating a toasted sandwich. A real skinny girl came along and sat next to her and she is half turned staring at the sandwich the other girl is eating. The other girl is skinny too. So then I wonder if the staring skinny girl had eaten today and if not, does she have an ED too. The other thing I notice is I'm looking at the sandwich too. It looks and smells good, though I've had breakfast. Does this mean today is going to be a 'no control, day? I sure hope not!

The gods are smiling down on me

Well it certainly feels like! Yesterday I got home from work and I had a letter in the mail regarding some day surgery I have to have. I realised that I was going to have to take more time off work (I'm already taking two weeks to do an inpatient program - not for an ED - but for pain management). I was a little worried as it meant another day off 10 days before I go on leave for this other hospital thing. I said blah blah about not travelling for 24 hours and how I couldn't eat or drink after 7am (yes!) but the I noticed the date properly. It said 18 September and I realised this was the day before my brother's 21st birthday party which I didn't want to go to! So now, I have a medical reason for not going... woohoo. A and I looked at each other and at the same time went "woohoo"! It was pretty funny.

I rang my mother, who is a nurse by the way, and she actually sounded really angry because I couldn't come, A could hear her from where he was sitting as she was yelling. Then when I asked if she was angry she backtracked and said she was sad I was missing out on such an important event. I can't believe my luck with this one actually. When I went to bed, I noticed I had a text from my mother and said she wasn't angry and sorry if she came off like that. Bullshit, the true emotion came out when she was yelling at me just after I told her I couldn't come. Sometimes, families just totally suck. At least my Dad wasn't worried.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Sitting on the train

I'm on my way to work atm and was thinking of things I could do to stop me from eating that chocolate/pizza/cheese etc and I think for me one of the ones that does work is to watch people eat. I find it totally disgusting when people shovel food down their gobs making slurping and smacking noises.

I have had issues with this since I was about 8 years old. My younger brother is a really disgusting eater and my mother is worse than that. It sickens me to watch them.

The other thing for me is a kind of a nicer way to not eat and that is to scrapbook or make cards. My fingers are usually covered in glue and ink and then of course there is the project I'm halfway through and really want to finish. I have just designed my christmas cards for this year and I am cutting them on my cricut (scrap booking machine) and now I have some the pieces to put together. When it's time to eat I can say, I just have to finish this one before the glue dries. Usually works a treat. Then A thinks I'm just being creative rather that eating disordered :-)

I know the card and scrapbooking thing makes me seem old! At least I can use it for creativity and I like it but it's also the perfect cover for why I'm not eating!

What have I been doing...

besides eating everything in sight. You know the thing that really sucks is that where I work, at a major university in Australia, my building is right near [yes wait for it... drum roll please] the lolly shop, ugh! It takes me less than two minutes before I'm standing in front of all the rows of chocolate and lollies I could get my hands on. Every morning this week I have gone over and gotten some malt balls. Admittedly it's only been 5, but then at lunch I will have another five and a mint pattie, I love those! This morning I woke up to a bloated belly and I feel enormous! No more bloody malt balls for me. I am even too scared to weigh myself! I think I'll have to wear my fat pants to work today.

It's funny though. I'm the smallest in size at work and there are two ladies there that always complain about their weight but they are always shoving food in their faces all the time. I pretty much stick to a set meal plan, for want of a better word. I do eat regularly, but that is because I have quite small portions when I do eat, I can either maintain what weight I am or I can slowly go down. I remember when I was 51kg a year or so ago, my dietitian gave me this meal plan and I seriously thought I'd pack weight on, but I didn't. I pretty much stayed the same for a while. Then I met A and he made me eat.

Back to work though, I have been getting quite a bit of exercise since none of the academics knows how to un-jam the photocopier. It's hilarious. I went in one time yesterday and there were four of them standing around the photocopier pondering on what to do next. I walk in and remove [and this was in about 6 different places] 8 sheets that had gotten stuck. I have no idea what they do on the weekend when it jams up - oh yeah I do - when I came in on monday morning it was all jammed up, so they left it!

Okay, today I have a plan food wise. I am going to just eat what I have taken for lunch. I will do what I did yesterday with water [drank about 2 1/2 litres] and just try and stay busy so I don't think about food as much, which is kind of unlikely really. I will try though.

Oh and hello to my first follower - I really like your blog by the way :-)

Saturday, August 22, 2009

55.6kg - 122

If I wasn't feeling crap, I'd be very excited about my weight drop. This time last week I was 55.7kg. So even though it's hardly anything, it's a loss. I have a horrible tummy atm. I'm all crampy and sore and I feel sick when I eat (in a way that makes me happy). I think I have some gastro thing :-(

Thursday, August 20, 2009

I like peppermint tea

I am really surprised I like peppermint tea. I tried it yesterday with a bit of sweetener in it and I really liked it. The best thing is it's got like only 3 calories in it! I like it even better than I like black tea, which I was also surprised that I liked. All this to try and lessen my calorie intake. I did a sneak weigh in last night when A and I got home from work and I'm at an okay weight, sort of. I was 56.6kg last night but the good thing is that was after a day of eating. I actually can't get away with not eating at all. This is because everyone who knows me, knows I have had an ED and when I start refusing food, they start watching me, which sucks. I'm going to put in a photo of what I want to get back to. This was when I was 48kg, which is about 105lbs.

This was a few years ago now, but I would love to be this size again. It is very difficult with A because he makes comments about the portion sizes that I eat almost every night. Hopefully with me going into work late today, I can get away with missing a few meals anyway, as A is going in before me and I am going in on my own. I am certainly going to try anyway!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Sometimes I imagine...

that I'm going to never speak to my family again. They are all pretty fucked up to be honest. Considering I have bipolar disorder and an eating disorder, I am supposed to be the nutcase. About 6 years ago my parents broke up after over 30 years of marriage. I wasn't surprised. My mother was so controlling all the time to my dad and he had been telling me for 10 years before that that he was going to leave her one day. I didn't really believe him since he said it so often.

My younger brother is turning 21 in September and I'm dreading it. I have no idea how these people are going to be able to stay in one room together for several hours without killing each other, offending each other, or driving me up the wall. I'm supposed to be fucked up, I have the scars all over my arms from cutting for years, though now I haven't for over 2 years. I am on all the medication to stop me going manic and even with all that, I still can't sleep :-/

Everytime I ring my dad, there is some snide comment about my mother. And my crazy fucked up mother (now 52) has taken up riding motorcycles, driving without a license, driving on her own when on a learners license for her motorbike when she wasn't meant to and driving like a bat out of hell because of 'peer pressure' WTF! Who's the parent here????

She came round on monday night (I am so glad we got it over with early in the week) and goes on and on about her motorbike - shut the fuck up! I am so sick of hearing about it. I am so sick of all of them. If anyone starts carrying on at my brother's birthday, I am going to walk out and tell them to never contact me again.

My brother's are even more fucked up than me, at least I am working full time, have got my masters at uni and am financially independent - thankfully! I have worked so hard to get where I am and I have spent years in therapy (with a lot of time in hospital for suicide attempts, cutting and depression), I am now doing okay. My brother that is a year younger than me is a complete screw up. He can't look after himself and although working too, never has enough money, is always losing his license and last I heard broke his wrist when he punched a wall when is gf pissed him off, real smart! My youngest brother at only 20 is a raging alcoholic and drinks from early morning when he is at home. My dad has all his get rich quick ideas, that have landed him a criminal record. Yeah, as you can tell, I'm really proud of my family NOT! I would love to never speak to them again and to be honest.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Bad night

After I posted in here I went to bed and cried for like 1 and a half hours. A was being a real prick last night. He was grumpy and cranky and depressed because he still hasn't heard about the job and he assuming that he doesn't have it. The thing though is this place is really slow. It took ages to find out he got and interview, so he might have it. He kept getting angry and I hate that. He seems to be okay this morning, but I don't know if it is a put on since he found me upset last night. I'm just going to try and act normal until he snaps out of it. But it's so frustrating. I bet he doesn't go to work next week. That is one of his pattens when he feels like this, he just shuts down. I get so resentful though because I will go to work all week and each day I get up and he has sum stupid excuse as to why he can't go. But when he is home he does nothing but play his computer game. It sucks.

On a brigher note I woke up this morningt to 55.7kg on the scale, woohoo! Now I just have to not binge today, which is what I do when I get a good number. Dumb huh!

Friday, August 14, 2009

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Back to work

I finally was able to go back to work today after a week of awful dizziness due to vertigo... it sucked! Everytime I turned around or moved I got dizzy and felt the room spin around. Today was a good day, I just hope that lasts as I can't afford to have more time off work. I was actually happy to be back, how sad is that! I did a quick weigh in check tonight and I'm 56.6kg. This is actually really good as I wanted to be as close to 56.3kg by saturday morning and if I weigh that after eating today, that is great! I will just have to be really careful tomorrow and make sure that I don't eat much. I drank a lot of water today too, which seemed to help. It gets quite warm in our office, so I usually have a dry mouth during the day there. It's starting to warm up now, it was quite warm today. So much so that I had to take my jumper off and had my sleeves rolled up all day. Of course now it's cold and I have really cold toes.

I'm a bit worried about tomorrow actually, as A finds out if he got the job he went for or not. I know if he doesn't get it, he will be really depressed and I'm not sure that I can go through another episode of his depression again. He so hates his job he has at the moment and I've gone through about 4 episodes of depression already with that. I know though, if he doesn't get this new job, it will be really bad. I know that he is supposed to find out tomorrow and I'm kind of dreading it .

I hope it goes okay :o/

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Restriction

Yesterday I saw a new doctor, I'll call her Dr J. I have been looking for a new GP for a couple of years since I moved in with A and this is the first time I have seen someone and knew straight away that they were a really good doctor and very thorough. I was very impressed by her and will now transfer to her. The issue right now is that I am still dizzy and now it's been a week. I'm so sick of this! I can't wait to actually not feel dizzy and go back to work. I am sick of being at home and not being able to do anything. Today is a public holiday and Dr J gave me a new tablet for the vertigo. I'm hoping it works as I really do want to go back to work.

I am still feeling really fat though! This is because I had a couple of days were I did have a higher calorie intake. That's it though, I have to get back on track. I have three days now to get my weight to either 56.3kg or lower. I don't know if I can do it, but I sure am going to try.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Got to get control

OMG I am so fat! I have to get control! Must restrict. I have to be under 56.3kg by Saturday! I suck :o(

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Middle ear infection

Well the last few days have pretty much sucked! I've had a middle ear infection and I'm basically getting motion sick just walking around. It's awful! I had heard you get dizzy with this but didn't think just sitting still would do it.

I realised there was something wrong on Wednesday night when A and I were coming home from work. I was shaking a bit and just thought I was tired. The next morning I was the same, so I rang in sick and went to the doctor. He said I had fluid behind my left ear drum and gave me stemetil and antibiotics. It's horrible being so dizzy all the time. I also had friday off and was feeling a bit better but today has been horrible.

I have been so sick of being at home, so I went to medicare to get the refund for my doctors appointment. I wasn't feeling great but the lights at the mall made me so dizzy. I ended up going to my local scrapbooking shop for some supplies but didn't stay long. I got the train and was walking home when I got really motion sick. I really thought I was going to puke right there and then! When I did get home I just lay on the couch for ages just staring at the ceiling feeling like shit.

I so hate being sick! I can't believe how dizzy I've been. I've spent most of today feeling horrible and I'm sick of being at home. This sounds sad but I'm hoping I'm better by Monday so I can go back to work. Home is so boring when you can't do much!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Argh... work (rant)!

I'm not too happy with myself today. I've eaten way too much! I don't count calories anymore because otherwise I'm so obssessed and unhappy so now I just sort of estimate how I'm going, which I see on the scale every Saturday morning (this is the weight I record in an excel file), though I do often check during the week anyway. I got a craving for chocolate malt balls this morning that led me to a mini binge. But then this afternoon I had another mini binge on potato chips, so I'm not too happy with myself now and I feel so full. I hate to feel full. I would rather (if I have eaten) feel like I've eaten a small amount and just not hungry than actually feel full. I hate full!!!!

Work has finally settled down a bit and I have caught up... finally! Last week, when I had like 70 unread emails, I accidently clicked on 'mark all as read'! Argh! I would have had at least a hundred emails in my inbox at that time but it's taken me a week to work out which ones I hadn't completed and which ones I had completed. I hate that there is no undo on this feature. Oh well, at least I'm caught up now.

Working at a university is interesting in that you learn just how many undergraduate (and unfortunately some postgraduate) students really just do not pay attention to anything. They often assume things rather than checking them out or really reading what they have actually written down or printed out themselves. I had one student come to the counter today to ask where a particular class room was and when she said 302, I knew we didn't have a 302 in our building. I asked to see which building was on her timetable and it was way over the other side of campus and she just hadn't read her timetable properly. She probably had class in our building last semester and just thought it would be in the same room or building this semester. Needless to say I think she would have been very late.

The other interesting thing is when students ask where the 'assignment' box is. I don't know how it can be more obvious since it has a huge sign above it that reads 'assignments'. The other one is "where do I get an assignment cover sheet" (in the bright orange tray that has a sign above it that says 'assignment cover sheets'. I do find it very frustrating when I'm in the middle of doing something and I get asked those two particular questions.

In week one, which was last week, one day I had 6 or 7 students in the space of about 10 minutes ask where room 212 was. It is actually the room everyone walks past when they are walking into our building and I find it amazing that this room seems to be the one no one can find . I shouldn't bitch as I at least have a job, but I do find it quite frustrating. Even the academic staff seem to have similar problems too in that they seem to think because the admin team are there to help run the school, that we will do everything for them. One academic in particular is so lazy, she rings me even to send her class lists when she has access to do it, has been there for at least 20 years and knows how to do it herself, but suddenly forgets every semester how it is done. Grade upload day totally sucks with her too as she has about 300 students in her class each semester and I have to manully upload each student's grade. She probably just can't be bothered ! I don't know how she manages to run her department, she is such a drama queen.

Enough complaining and bitching, but it feels so good to bitch :o)

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Laxatives and herbal tea

Well I got to the point again where I was so blocked up that I have decided to try laxatives to see if that will work. I'm not going overboard, just two at night before bed and it seems to be working. I spoke to the pharmacist about it first and also to my mum, who is a nurse, about whether taking them would be safe. I was told that I would probably end up with a lazy bowel if I took them all the time but my mum seems to think I already have that problem anyway. It's good to not have a tummy ache all the time and to actually feel like I actually need to go, yes I know, TMI.

The other think though is that I have tried black herbal tea for the first time today. I actually liked it, though I did need to put sweetener in it. I didn't think I'd like it but am glad I did. Part of the reason is that I did like the taste but I must admit the other reason was fewer calories. I usually have a lot of milk in tea, but it's kind of nice to be able to leave it out. I can drink more of it and know I don't have to worry about the milk. I'm doing okay though with how I'm feeling about my body. I guess I'll just have to see how I go and take each day at a time. I'm okay with my weight right now too. It always comes down to that .