Tuesday, September 29, 2009

ED stuff

I am at the hospital for my second day of the pain clinic inpatient program. They have been asking lots of questions about my ED. I had five one hour assessments yesterday and it came up in all but one of them. I know they are watching me, which kind of sucks.

My last assessment was a psych assessment and now they have flagged the ED as "something to look at" during the program - great (not)!

I have been struggling so badly with my eating over the last week. I keep shoving food in my mouth and my belly is so horribly fat that I have taken to wearing really baggy clothes so that no one notices. Embarassing. I hate the way I look right now and I keep grabbing handfuls of fat and wishing I could just slice it off and make it go away. I wish it were that easy.

It doesn't help that there is yummy food everywhere but I also have no willpower to say NO! Why can't I just go - oh well I'm not going to eat at all - so there ana and fuck you! But she is always waiting to tell me how useless I am! She loves that. I hate her!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Fuck it all!

Well I am too fat. I ate too much and I feel horrible. I will probably fit right in with those old fat people at the hospital. I feel like crap, but I still think of chocolate. I can see it in my head right now. I wish I had a blade and I'd sweep it across my belly and chop the fat off. I don't care if it hurts, I know it would. I've cut before. Not my belly, but my arms and legs. I still have the scars. I remember my worst. 18 stitches, including internal. Problem is I couldn't do it now. I have A and he would be so upset and worried. I feel like screaming or curling up in a tight tight ball. Hitting the wall. Smashing plates. Smashing a window. I am angry. I am sad. I am pissed off at the world. Who the fuck created fat food. Why can't everything taste like fucking cardboard. Only eat to live. No pleasure or joy in the taste. Leave it and not be hungry or think about it at all. I want to lock myself in a room, where no one can get in. No windows, just one door. No way in but that. Small. No room to move. Put on my ipod and close my eyes. Block out the world. They would bang on the door. Call security. Whatever. Once when I was 21 I was put in restraints by a horde of male nurses and security guards. I had tried to jump, but they caught me. They put in me in a little room with no windows and held me down and gave me drugs. I cried. My friend, who was in hospital a little while later with ana, threw a glass vase at the mirror after shoving a chair under the door handle of her room. She used the glass to slash open her arm. I sound pyscho. I can't sleep. It's making me crazy. Fuck it all. I'll live!

Pain clinic

I am making assumptions! I start my pain clinic 2 week program on monday. I am a day patient. I will go to the hospital every day for two weeks except saturday and sunday. I will be there from 9am-4pm. I have seen other people that go there. They are alot older than me and mostly they are very fat! I am not looking forward to this. I will be expected to eat morning tea, lunch and afternoon tea with them. I will not! I don't want to see fat people shoving food in their faces. I think I will go for a walk instead.

The good thing though, is that I can take my own food, I will not eat theirs. I am dreading the first day and meeting the others. The only good thing though is that I can probably get away with not eating much. No work mates to make me eat and no one else around to see me eat. I hate eating in front of people I don't know, though actually I hate eating in front of people anyway. I am going to take Ziggy with me and I don't care if they think I'm weird... see photo



For some strange reason, I find Ziggy comforting. Though there is the thing where I feel like if they see him, they think he is cute and think I'm a little strange. I don't carry him around, I just put him in my bag and knowing he is there makes me feel better... okay, I am very strange and should be locked up!!!!

In other news, the guy who is replacing me at work while I am away for two weeks is a moron. My two closest friends, C and J, don't like him either and he is hopeless and are dreading me being away for two weeks.

I hope you are all doing okay... oh yeah, I weighed in today at 56kg exactly, I am happy with that :-)

Friday, September 25, 2009

I miss him

I had the most amazing cat called Sabby. His full name was Sabastian (spelt different on purpose). He used to keep me sane. He never thought I was crazy when I was manic/depressed/sad/upset, he would then come and curl up with me and give me cuddles. When I cried, he let me cry on him and when I was asleep, he curled up near my pillow. Sabby died in July 2007 but there is not a day goes by that I don't think of how special he is and I say that in present tense because I will always feel he is with me. Some days I think it would be much better with a cat, they don't complain if they get fed, cuddled and looked after properly. I love A to bits, don't get me wrong. But with Sabby, if I didn't eat or if I weighed myself too many times in one day, he didn't complain. Anyway, I was thinking about Sabby when I woke up this morning and I saw his pic next to my bed. See how gorgeous he is. He was 13 in this pic :-)



Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Way too hot, way too tired - Rant

Ugh... that's all I can say right now. I am training a new guy at work at the moment as he will be doing my job for 2 weeks while I'm on leave. It is so draining. My throat was so sore when I got home from talking talking talking all day! I have to be at work an hour early today too as I got nothing done all day and I have so much to do :-/  The new guy is okay, but he sometimes yesterday, when giving information to students, said all the wrong things (which is okay as he is new) but didn't check with me before he sent them on their merry way. I had to call one student to come back to the office as he kind of broke with our policy and stuffed up big time.

It has also been so hot the last few days. I am sick of having students and academics complain about the heat in the classrooms. It's not their fault, I know, but I can't do anything but report it. Our Spanish coordinator... aka drama queen... said she would not teach in that room in that heat and I said too bad there is no where else I can put you, you can cancel if you like (I knew she wouldn't) all I can do is report it and the will probably look at it in about 3 weeks. In the end she went back to her class and taught it (and amazingly found out what the windows were for and that they actually open and let air in ... sometimes I wonder about her)!

I want to sleep... so tired... have to get dressed for work in a few minutes. Hope you are all okay!

Oh yeah, found out some more ink names that are food related: barely banana and certainly celery and I actually like both colours, lol :-)

Sunday, September 20, 2009

on second thought

Why don't we call all our favourite foods by coloured inks instead. That way, we could have the food (well sort of) without the calories. I'm trying to think of some more creative colours that are also foods... but my mind has gone to mush... chasing butterflies (yellow ones)!

An itch... grrr

My legs are itchy. It's pissing me off and now they are hurting because I have been scratching so much. But there is nothing there. No bites... nothing... just itchiness... grrr! I feel like my brain exploded! I keep getting side-tracked today but I think it's because I know this whole week is going to be so busy, I might sleep on the train on the way home and end up two suburbs away. Lucky for me I am two stops before the end of the line, otherwise I would be fucked. I just have to pay really close attention going to work, as the end of the line there is over an hour away, now that would suck!

My Dad and brother came down today on the way to my Dad taking my brother to the airport. While my dad was outside with A, I was chatting to my brother and he said that dad's place is really dirty and mum's place is really boring and because he is visiting he was stuck at both places. My family sucks, but this brother, C, I get along with. My brother, also an A, is 21 and is an alcoholic already. All he does is drink and work. But more of the drinking I think. I pretend to get along with my younger brother, though I really can't stand my older brother, D, he is a criminal and is proud of it. I can't stand him. My brother C and I made secret plans for me and A to either visit him soon, or for him and his gf to come up and visit us in secret. We both feel exactly the same about the rest of our fucked up family.

SCATCH SCRATCH  ARGGHHHH... this is driving me mad. Or should I say madder!

I have resorted to buying inks and pens and colours in a colour called pumpkin pie... I think my fucked up food world is spilling over into my cardmaking. I promise, maybe can't promise not to try and taste them, it's tempting. Does the ink really taste like pumpkins... gee I am fucking mad aren't I... call the white truck! I wonder if the person naming these colours has an ED and this is the only way they express their true desire. If so, can I have a malt-ball (brown colour - isn't brown already banned) and a mint pattie (argh, also brown) and both are chocolate, which is also banned :-(  Can anyone think of some really cool colour names that don't include food?

Saturday, September 19, 2009

How it all went

My surgery went well. Though I was shit scared beforehand and didn't sleep for 2 days prior. Also, by thursday night I was so freaking out I was just vomiting and couldn't even keep a small amount of fluid down. So getting the needle drip thingy hurt like hell as I was so dehydrated they couldn't find a vein. I didn't get hungry on the day and in a way wanted to push the fast past the recovery period and into the night. I didn't though as these people know about my ED and they gave me tea and sandwiches anyway and made me eat them. The good thing though is in the process I lost nearly 1kg. I was happy with today's number on the scales 56.1kg, nearly 55 again. So close .

I have been so tired though since the surgery. I keep falling asleep and then when I wake up I am like a zombie. I feel like I could sleep for a week. I took Ziggy (my little lion) and Harold my little hippo in to the hospital with me and I even got a photo of them with the nurses holding them. They thought they were both very cute! The photo below is of Harold and Ziggy in my backpack while I was waiting to go into admission.

I promise to write more tomorrow, but I'm still so tired. I think I am going to go to bed early tonight. I hope you are all doing well, in whatever it is you are doing :-)

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Thank you!

Anise thank you for your kind comments! It's funny, I tend to believe people on here more than in real life :-) I totally get what you said and I feel the same about everyone on here. Also, I forgot to mention that yesterday morning during my sleep deprived moments, your blog kept me sane! I really like it by the way. I am not so good with words as you though :-)

Well... OMG what a good/awful day yesterday. I was so tired that I was dizzy (in a bad way) and hopeless all day. I kept losing my pens and forgotting what I was doing. Thank god I wasn't laminating (a few months ago I went home and left the laminator on and had to call my boss eeekkk)! I made it through the day but I had this horrible feeling of being sick all day from being so tired. I could so NOT go night clubbing these days, lol! Then last night I was pretty much aware of every moment. Though I did have a few runs of one or two hours sleep. But I kept waking up laying on Harold - poor Harold, he's exhausted today :-P

Today I am feeling good. I'm a little tired but not awful like yesterday. Oh, it's 5:37am and I've already had two pieces of cold pizza! I threw up last night's dinner, not out of choice though and I was starving this morning. I have to drink water all day today too as I have to fast tomorrow from 7am for the surgery. I suck at fasting. I bet I will think of malt balls and mint patties all day!

Anyway, I have to leave for work in about half an hour, so I hope you have a good day/night! I will catch up on blogs tonight and hopefully start commenting again. I've been bad of late with that (the commenting bit that is)!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I have no friends

Yes, I am still awake. It's now just after 5am and I wasn't able to get back to sleep at all. Look out world... here comes grumpy! A was not too happy when he woke up and found out I had been awake since 2:15am. He then felt really bad that it was his snoring and hogging the bed that kept me awake. Plus I seem to have this really weird thing where if I have temazepam and valium together, it keeps me awake. Last night I was hyped up after I told A he had to quit his job. He was hyped up too but has this (annoying) knack of falling asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. I, on the other hand, can stay awake for hours because I can't turn my head off.

Anyway, to the point of my post. I have realised that I really have no friends. I had friends. Then I made enemies with food and all the friends I had kind of disappeared. One ex-friend, whom I had been friends with since high school, probably was the biggest loss for me. I think she was extremely jealous that I was, for once, a lot smaller than her, and she constantly told me how disgusting I looked. This only made me stay thin longer and in fact has kept me at, what my doctor now calls me, a lean weight. Do I believe her, hmm, no!

I can't talk to anyone about my horrible feelings towards food. No one understands how it feels to be so obsessed that everywhere you look reminds you of it. You see something that is yum, but way too many calories, you (a) eat it and feel horrible or (b) don't eat it and feel horrible. You can't win. My ex-friend did not get it, although she always seemed to be on a diet. She just never went to the lengths I did. My problem though then (mid-2005) was that I told people how I felt and what I was doing to myself. Now I don't tell anyone anything. Not even A and he's my best friend.

I realised the other day when I was working out the details for A's birthday party, that I have one friend and her partner to invite. I feel sad in a way that I have no one. I have a love/hate relationship with my family, they are so fucked up. Just thinking about it kind of makes me feel sad. Once I had lots of friends. But they got sick of the food/weight thing. It happened slowly, most people just stopped answering my calls. Some people moved and didn't give me their contact details.

Okay, so now I'm going to tell you something about me that I don't know if I should. Part of me wants to say this, because then I'm not hiding, not even from you. You don't know what I look like or where I live but this thing... it's not really a secret, but it's probably what makes me like I am. I have this physical condition that makes me look different. I was born with only 1 1/2 bones in my neck. Most people have seven, with the little squishy disk in between. I don't have that. I basically look like I am shrugging, all the time. I am often self-conscious in public places, though in a way, I am now used to the way I look. I am outwardly pretty happy, a bit crazy, silly and joke around a lot. At work, I am pretty well liked by the people there. I get along with them all really well. I had one academic there that gave me a real hard time when I started, but I seem to have even won him over, which was no easy task. I am good at my job and good with people, despite my little spats I talk about on here. One of my managers tells me I have a "beautiful way with people". Most of the student's like me and I do get on their level and I help where most people wouldn't. I'm telling you this because to others, I look happy and content and okay and I know I fit in at work.

I don't know how I feel about my physical condition though. I get pain from it. I never used to. One day I just started to get headaches and pain at the base of my skull and now I get them all the time. Part of me even feels now that you know that I am 'different', that's it. I will have no one at all I can talk to about my enemy 'food'. Does it matter what I look like to me, hell yes! I will never be perfect. I can never attain that. But I can be thin. I can not eat. I can crave food and want it really bad and say fuck you, no way. I am NOT going to eat. I want to feel that hunger until it sends me insane. When it drives me over the edge and to the brink, I might only then give in. It's almost alive in a way. I can't control it but I can at the same time.

All I think about most days is food and how skinny other people are. I hate my body. I hate how I am. For some strange reason though, I like who I am. I used to be so quiet and scared and wouldn't talk back to anyone. Meek and mild and a little sad really. Then I met my old boss and she taught me how to get confident. That I do have now. I have no problems with NOT giving people what they want. Especially at work. I figure if they think they can get around me, I've lost already. I figure I have a disadvantage right at the outset. I look different and I hate that, so I feel I have to be tough to make up for it and I am. I don't know. Maybe I'm freaking out because of my day surgery on friday. For fucks sake they are putting a needle in the nerve in the back of my head! Yeah I am worried about that. What if it all goes horribly wrong and... ugh! I can't go there. I've said too much already. I tend to do that a lot!

3am and can't sleep

I am tired but can't sleep... A has moved over in bed right over to my side and was snoring right in my ear. I also kept banging my ankle on his foot or something. Big news last night. He is finally going to leave his job. He hasn't gotten anything else yet but we have quite a bit of savings and I would prefer that than his moods all the time. I made him promise he would leave and he promised. So I am really happy about this. I told him he had until Friday and he agreed. It has become so rediculous at how he has been at work lately. He is always causing trouble and last night it turned in to all out threats of bring down work place health and safety on them. He also works at the same university but in a section that is just for staff. He doesn't work with students at all and he hates his job.

Ugh... my back is sore too. I have no idea if I am going to be able to stay awake today. My eyes are stinging and tired and just ugh! I woke up about 45 mins ago, so at just after 2:30am. I think I only got about 4 hours sleep. I know that most of you probably can live on this amount, but with having bipolar disorder, if I don't sleep, I get manic or cranky or both. Oh well, I might try soon and go back to sleep. My diet in the last few days though has been both okay and awful. I don't eat and when I do it's the wrong things. I feel huge. Maybe I'm already cranky! Can't think, will check in later.

Monday, September 14, 2009

P.S.

sorry I've been slack and haven't been reading blogs over the last few days... I hope you are all going okay :-)

keys and frustration

Don't know why, just am! Maybe it's because I'm dreading friday (day surgery) or because I had to endure 2 and a half hours of trying to figure out which keys; key numbers; rooms and people belonged to them for our entire building this afternoon. At the end I was cranky and pissed off and the poor students were avoiding me. I didn't mean to upset them, but the bloody key crap was doing my head in. I simply cannot concentrate for that long on one thing.

A and I had friends over on Saturday... I couldn't even concentrate on them. Well they did stay from 11am till 4pm and in the end after 2 hours, I left and went shopping. That makes me sound really bad. I couldn't sit there and listen any more, plus I had one too many chocolate biscuits and I had to get out of there.

I feel like there are too many thoughts in my head and I can't figure out which one comes first/last/now ugh! I want to have valium and sleep and I feel guilty because A's mum forgot that she had something planned the day we were supposed to have A's birthday party. Our birthdays are only 5 days apart and since this is a special birthday for him, I didn't want it to be about me. His birthday is 11/11 and mind is 16/11. I had hoped that his birthday party bash would be on the 7th, now it will be on the 14th and I didn't want that. I actually feel really bad that his mum forgot about her prior arrangments . Thankfully I hadn't started the invitations yet, as I am waiting on some new inks and materials to be delivered.

Think I might go to bed and cuddle Harold and read my book... I love my little hippo!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Tired

I am so tired tonight. I have a cold sore on the inside of my lip too :-(

I had a good day, though the damn photocopiers kept jamming at work and I was running up and down the stairs (the office is on level 3) to either the level 5 one, that got jammed about 20 times - I think there is a tiny bit of paper stuck in one of the sensors... grrr... or running back down to the level 3 one .

I think today must of have been assignment day for a number of our languages... there seemed to be a million of the Japanense ones. So between stamping and recording them, telling students where the cover sheets were (they just don't seem to see my bright green sign that they are in the bright orange tray, lol) or where the assignment box was (that has 'assignments' written in large black letters, with another bright green sign. In the end I just stayed at my desk and when they started to come to the counter I said loudly and in the end without looking, 'in the orange tray behind you', or 'in the box labelled assignments in big black letters'. My workmates kept cracking up laughing at me too, lol. Though I don't think the students appreciated this - I can't help smiling at the thought even now.

I was so busy (and have been all week) that I haven't binged, yay for me! I have no idea what I weigh at the moment, though in a way still dreading that tomorrow morning. It's only 7:26pm and I want to go to bed already. This time next week I just don't know how I will feel. Next Friday is day surgery day... eeekkkk! I must admit to being scared! Then on September 28 I have 2 weeks off (to do the pain clinic in-patient program). Though I just will go each day between 9am-4pm. Better than having to leave for work like normal at 6:45am and getting home at 6pm. The hospital is on my side of town.

EDIT... delete delete...

Oh well, I am tired and am going to go to bed. Thank you to Anise for pointing out that blogger was having a blogger moment when I lost all the blogs I am following this morning - big sigh of relief that they are back tonight.

Chat soon :-)

Lost all blogs

For some reason all the blogs I was following have been lost :-(

I will go onto blogger properly tonight and fix that up! I didn't notice until now and I don't have my laptop with me, only my blackberry!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I'm lovin' today

Had a great day today! I ate exactly to my meal plan and no more than that. I wasn't even hungry, yay for me! I weighed in tonight at 56.4kg, down from Saturday. Even better! With the amount I ate over the weekend, I'm surprised I'm not twice that figure. Maybe I have tricked my metabolism into thinking that it needed a big feed and then now it's time to restrict.

ALSO... I have no headache... woohoo! This aspirin and codeine have helped so much... oh codeine, I love you! Happy day, happy day, happy day :-P

Hello too to my followers! Hope your day is going okay :-)

Delete; undelete

I had decided to delete this blog and I actually did. But then I relised I'd have nowhere to bitch and talk about my ED. So I guess I'll stay, though I will not go into why I was deleting (long story)!

And, oh codeine my friend, you make me feel so sick and I couldn't possibly eat while taking you! I guess we'll just have to stay friends :-/

Monday, September 7, 2009

One way to prevent food

I guess I'm lucky in a way! I have a sure fire way to stop me from eating. I did end up staying home from work today and went to see my GP. She suggested I take Aspalgin (aspirin and codeine). Thing is codeine makes me feel really sick but the combination of the codeine and aspirin worked on my headache. So now I want to puke but my head feels fine. I have to be careful though, last time I took codeine, I did so because I knew it made me feel sick and I took it anyway to stop me from eating. I got so constipated though that I ended up in hospital and then they found out why I took the codeine and sent me to the acute mental health team for review... ugh!

A poem I like

Heroin

Sat for three days in a white room
a tiny truck of white flowers
was driving through the empty window
to warn off your neighbors
and their miniture flashlights.

by afternoon
across the lake
a blind sportsman had lost his canoe
he swam
by evening
toward the paper cup
of my hand.

At dawn clever housewives tow my Dutch kitchen
across the lawn.
and in the mail a tiny circus
filled with ponies
had arrived.

You,
a women with feathers
have come so often lately
under my rubber veranda
that I'm tearing apart all those tactless warnings
embroidered across your forehead.

Marc,
I'm beginning to see those sounds
that I never even thought
I would hear.

Over there a door is knocking
for example
with someone you hate.

and here I beg another to possess somehow
the warmth of these wooden eyes

so beside me
a lightblub is revolving
wall to wall,
a reminder of the great sun
which had otherwise completely collapsed
down to the sore toe of the white universe.

its chalky light
rings
like a garden of tiny vegetables
to gather the quiet of these wet feelings
together

once again

like the sound of a watch
on your cold white wrist
which is reaching for a particular moment
to reoccur...

which is here... now.

Written by Jim Carroll

---

I love Jim Carroll's poems. They often remind me of how my mind can sometimes be so fragmented. Sometimes I feel there are all these pieces of me all over the place and I can't find the right way to make them fit. They move around but they are never perfect. They just are. Even when I try and ignore this fragmented feeling, I always am. I sit somewhere, staring into space and thinking in the sections of my mind... lost and chasing butterflies!

I will only do ten

Okay... my turn - 10 things about me

1. I have had the same daily reminders in my mobile phone for the last 5 years. Though I always delete them before they go off! Weird I know. I even have a reminder to eat my breakfast at 5:55am - obsess much :-/

2. I have watched the movie Girl, Interrupted over 30 times. My life in my early twenties was very much like that of 'Suzanna'.

3. I have a little hippo 'Harold' that sits next to my pillow and sometimes I when I wake up in the middle of the night, I check that he is still there and he's so cute, lol.

4. I like cold chicken and ketchup sandwiches and A thinks that is disgusting!

5. I hate it when anyone helps me hang the laundry. I have a specific order of how I hang things up and when A helps, he always fucks it up and I hate it.

6. I can only eat 5 malt balls at a time. This sucks if I only want a few and I want more than 5, then I have to eat 10 :-/

7. I always put my left shoe and sock on first, if I do it the other way, it feels too weird.

8. I am right handed but can only play pool left handed.

9. I am obsessed with time, I often call the number to check the exact time and I set my watch, Blackberry and clock radio to that time.

10. I have 6 alarms that go off every morning, but I always wake up before most of them go off.

And I could resist, I had to show a pic of Harold! I know at my age I shouldn't have stuffed toys, but there's just something about Harold that I like and A got him for me the week before valentines day when I had a horrible appointment with my dietitian who forced me to be weighed in my shoes. I have a very specific weighing ritual, but that is for another day.

Lobotomy

I have had the hugest headache over the last couple of days. It is 5:40am on Monday and I have to decide if I am going to go to work or not today. I'm not sure yet. If I do, I can make up time that I owe when I was sick, but I also run the risk of making the headache worse, which is often the case. I just don't know what to do. I have given myself until 6:30am and if it still feels like it does now, I'm staying home. It really pisses me off though as I have had this real run of bad luck with trying to make up this time. I had to go home last wednesday early due to a headache and I've had this headache since late friday afternoon.

It also fucks up my eating because I just don't care what I eat when I feel like this. I just want to lay somewhere and stare at the wall. Maybe if I stare at the wall long enough I will forget about food (unlikely). Maybe when I have my day surgery I could ask for a lobotomy instead to rid me both of my vicious fight with food or even to make it so I have no interest in food and also get rid of my headaches... ahhh, now that's a novel idea! Imagine how great it would be look at a (insert food here) and have absolutely no interest in what so ever. A girl can only dream :-/

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Chasing butterflies

Have you ever tried to explain to anyone how you think? It's not something that's easy, at least for me. I often have too many thoughts in my head at once. There could be 3 or 4, sometimes 5 or 6 and they all happen at once. It makes thinking very difficult and very noisy. Each thought can be separate from the others and totally unrealated but they happen at the same time. Each thought can build or follow from the original thought, relating to this original thought. The problem is is that they all kind of jump up and down and yell at me all at once... demanding! I will be walking from one end of the house to the other attending to one thought and if another thought interferes with the original, I could turn around and then turn around again, back and forward until I come to a complete standstill and I have to decide right there and then which thought to follow. Sometimes when this happens and I just stop, everything inside just flees and goes dead quiet. I have to start again. I have even come to the point where I have verbally said no or stop just so it will stop. Though this can be embarrasing if I am in public. I seem to be some crazy person talking to themselves. I also see things in pictures.

When people talk to me or describe things to me, I don't just hear the words, but see images with them as well. Music is like the cinema and I see the images that the song portrays. This makes reading and listening to music or watching TV and reading impossible and god forbit if I am worrying about something at the same time. It's like I'm at a concert with lights and sound so overwhelming that it shuts me down. It gets so loud that I just can't think and will end up with a headache. I screw my face up to concentrate, to try and pick one stream of thought, pictures, sounds or images and I have to turn it all off inside. This then forces me to zone out. The zoning out is a whole other thing. I once zoned out for 2 hours, though it felt like 5 minutes. It was very disconcerting at the time and not just for me, but for the poor person I was with. It's a similar feeling to going into a room and forgetting why you went there. Needless to say I do this all the time too.

If I am tired, sad and even worse - manic, I can also get light and noise sensitive to external sources as well. Even now I have to remind myself I am typing and trying to explain this, but I stop and then I zone out and suddenly realise I have been sitting here for seconds or for several minutes at worst. I think in a way that is why I like cardmaking and scrapbooking. I just let my mind go where it wants and then I can get these great ideas. It's like free-thought and you just let yourself float and go where it wants. I often walk past places I want to go to or go in the wrong direction without realising. I do this often and it drives me mad, especially if I also have the I forget why I'm here at the same time as going in the wrong direction. I then have to go back to where I started and try again. Sometimes it comes back to me, often it doesn't. The other thing is if I have a memory, usually bad or embarasing and I will also say stop or no out loud.

Then there is ana. When her voice gets caught up in this, well I may as well just give up. She is insistent and demanding, like the other thoughts/sounds/images but then that starts a whole other ball rolling. I see food as numbers and those numbers will control my mood. If I am trying to decide what to have for morning tea, my mind will do the math of each food I look at, usually in the end I've been there so long, I just end up getting a diet coke instead. Of course I have safe foods. Mint patties I know are 85 calories and 2 grams of fat. Even though I hate the fat in it, I can pass them by because of the calories, the number 85 is okay with me (strange I know). Now I know this makes no sense, but when 85 pops into my head I'm okay with that.

Furthermore, if I have eaten something really bad, like a big mac (for the record I don't eat those anyway, but let's just suppose I do for a moment), I would then be okay with eating anything and everything, no matter what calories or fat grams, just because I fucked it up. I figure, well I really and totally fucked that up, so why not fuck it up so much that what the hell, I'll start again tomorrow! It makes no sense. It's like those people that have the hugest fattiest meal and have it with a diet coke.

Oh well, now that I've totally bored you all senseless, I think I'll try and go to bed. I've been trying to get there now for about an hour and a half. I just keep getting distracted. Like the dog I had growing up, he used to chase butterflies and he would chase them until he got completely lost. Sometimes I feel like him, that all I do all day is chase butterflies :-/

57kg

I weighed in at 57kg today and in a way I'm okay with it. It could be worse after the week of binging that I did. Seriously, I just ate and ate and ate this week. Bloody malt balls! I wish those little morsels were not so tempting and so close! I have no willpower whenever I set my eyes on them. Oh well, the damage is done.

It's absolutely pouring with rain this morning. I had almost forgotten what rain looked like since we've mainly been having none in the last few months. I actually hate being out in the rain. I get cranky and uncomfortable and I complain. I have to go out in it a few times today too and since I don't drive (have my license but no car), I have to either walk or catch a bus/train. We are lucky here in that our buses and trains are actually not too bad at all. I personally prefer it in a way so I can sit and read my book and they get me to where I'm going.

At work yesterday I had the director of research for my school I work in try and convince me to do my PhD in our school. We teach languages, cultural studies and applied linguistics in our school. My project would actually fit within this. I started to do my PhD when at the uni where I got my BA and MA (hons) from but after doing this for a bit, I decided that I didn't want to continue with the topic. I have changed the topic now and believe that it would fit really well within our school. The postgrad admin officer J, who sits next to me is now trying to get me to do it as well and now wants us to have lunch to talk about it. I even know who would be a great supervisor as well as he and I have talked about my area of research and it is also his area.

Then I think of all the research and all the time and all the things I couldn't do. My weekends would be study and I would still have to work full time. It always comes down to this. I have thought about whether to go back to it and switch to the uni I work at now several times over the last few years. I think I would prefer to do my job, come home and do whatever I want. I'm happy in my job and I don't want to teach. So really, the only reason I would be doing it, would be because I find it interesting. Plus in Australia a PhD is actually free for domestic students and the uni provides a certain amount of money for you for resources each year, like photocoping etc for free. I think I will just plod along as I am. Until the next time it pops into my head :-P

Friday, September 4, 2009

My card

I'm always going on and on about glitter and glue, so thought I would show you one of the cards I made... yes, I know I'm boring :-P



The right side edge is made to look like it's been torn and the bottom edge comes out further. Don't know if you can see that. The red background is actually clear with a red kind of ink pen and the tree has glitter lines and a red star at the top. This is my favourite card :-)

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Sometimes I want to run

I imagine myself dressing in the dark. A falls asleep in five minutes. He snores lightly. I want to sneak out and leave the house without waking him. Just me in my pjs with my long black jumper and ugg boots. Just walking into the night. I know that though would land me in the hospital again! I'm feeling strange tonight. Hyper-reality! My brain is tripping, though I've only taken my normal meds. I don't want this headspace. I don't want to be me! I just want to run and hide and starve and cry...

Here in my head...

I keep going and going and going and never getting anywhere, or doing anything... feeling too much! My mind won't shut down tonight. A is driving me mad with all the talk of how much he hates his job and he won't do anything about it. He does this time and time and time again. I get sick of it.

I don't know what to think. I think too much. Sometimes it hurts. And I'm fat, fat, fat! I can't control myself. Things just seem to happen. I tried to get to work early this morning. Was sitting on the bus, was going to make it and the bus turned the corner in a concrete tunnel badly and the back window smashed. I didn't notice straight away. I had my ipod on and I wasn't paying attention. I had my eyes closed. Sometimes I like to put music on really loud and close my eyes and then I can't hear or see anyone. Dissociation... drifting! I didn't notice that everyone was getting off the bus and then it was too late. I missed the next bus because I was off in my head. I like it there, most of the time. My own little planet, here in my head.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Well I deserve this!

Tonight I ate nachos and then ice cream. I ate way too much and now I have the worst stomach cramps, ugh! If I hadn't eaten so much, I may not be feeling so bad. Though in saying that, today was horrible. I ended up with the most horrible headache and had to come home from work early. This pissed me off so much as I was still making up time from the week I had off when I had vertigo a few weeks ago. I was down to making up just over 6 hours, which I can do in a week, but now it's back up to 10 hours, which totally sucks! Not happy :-(

The headache seemed to be a combination of sleeping badly (very sore neck today too), getting up at 4:45am this morning and hayfever (spring has sprung early)! I have been forgetting to take the nasel spray I got last week when this started, so I'm not surprised I feel like crap. I'm having major problems with my pillows, can't get comfortable and end up waking up all night with a sore neck and no matter what I do, the pillows are either too hard, too soft or too high ! This is the reason I am going to the pain clinic to try and releave these headaches. I think I am just going to take some valium, paracetamol and go to bed. I certainly hope tomorrow is a better day :-/

Malt balls and mint patties

How I love these! The malt balls can completely undo a good days work. They are so small but so yummy and so you can completely lose track of how many you've eaten. I have this weird thing though where I can only buy five at a time. The uni I work at has a lolly shop and its 2 minutes away from my building! I am forced to walk past the lolly shop several times a day and have to actually go in once to get milk for work and another time to get my diet coke at lunch. I simply can't escape it. The mint patties are good too, though I only get one. I would be even more huge if I ate these all day, though I think more malt balls would be the worst of the two! Oh joy, on the bus to work! Another day of academics who don't know how to photocopy and probably several students who don't know which class they're in and this is week 5 .

Just wanted to say that I love reading your blogs. They give me strength and inspiration when my own is lacking :o)

An update

On Saturday I did weigh in and had dropped to 56.7kg and today I snuck in a quick weigh in and I'm 56.8kg. I'm sort of okay with this. The 56's are alright for now. But I would like to bring it down to a straight 56. Hopefully on Saturday.

Well so far this week it's been okay. Work has been very busy, which is good in a way as the last few days I haven't had time to eat the food I've taken with me. I usually pack a full days food according to my dietitian's meal plan, though I do leave a few things off (of course). I have a basic meal plan of my own that I do follow. A is aware of the meal plan and he keeps an eye on what's in the lunch box. I know he cares, but it can be frustrating for me. Especially if I forget to take out what I haven't eaten before he sees the box when we get home :-/

I mentioned a few posts ago here that I would be going to have day surgery on the day before my brother's 21st. Well I have started to get scared about it. They will be putting a needle into the back of my head into a nerve which they will then do a nerve stimulation on to try and stop my headaches that I get. Part of me keeps thinking what happens if something goes wrong and they completely fuck up and I die or something. I know this is just nerves (no pun intended) but I can't help thinking it. It's really scary in a way. A knows how I feel and he has tried to keep my mind off it. I just have to stay positive I guess.

Anyway, I got up early to go play with glitter and glue, all in the name of being creative, lol! Besides, breakfast is coming soon :-P