Saturday, October 31, 2009

Gotta get back to control

I have been living carefree and not worrying about what I have been putting in my mouth. I think part of the reason for this is because I am happy. With A getting his new job and me not having to worry so much about him now, I think that was enough to lighten the load I was feeling over the last few months. It suddenly felt lighter to be me. I had pretty much been able to stick to eating what I normally did before but today has been awful. I have had no control at all. I pretty much ate everything in sight. I just took some aspirin, as I know that makes me feel sick, just so maybe I can control myself for the rest of the night. I haven't been keeping up with blogs for the last few weeks either... sorry everyone. I haven't been able to concentrate to write anything and I can't even now, writing this. I just wanted you all to know that I plan on changing that. I am going to start afresh tomorrow. Start to get some control back in my life. I have to!!!!!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Wow

What a week! I am so excited because A has gotten a new job. He is going to be the curator/manager of the new pathology museum in one of the major hospitals in my city, which is attached to the university I work for. I am so proud of him. He was only really out of work for a month and this is so much better. He has gone from earning $39,000 a year to $81,000 a year. OMG... that is huge. He is fully qualified for the job and worked really hard to get it. He has been so happy and content and proud of himself too and it has given him the biggest boost in moral and self esteem.

Back to me. I am doing okay. I weighed in today at 55.8kg. I am fine with that. I have been being careful with food and it seems to have worked out okay. I am still tired though as it's so busy right now at work. We are in week 12 of the semester and we have one teaching week left. Then we have revision week and then two weeks of exams. This time will be frantic. I am also in the process of fixing up our school's handbook with all of next year's courses and information. It's a huge job. It has 164pg and I need to make a lot of changes. I am also bracing myself for grade upload which happen the week after exams finish. Luckily semester two is not as busy as semester one.

I am going shopping today. It's A's birthday on November 11 and mine on November 16. I have A already 5 presents and I need to get him one more. I love buying presents. I am off to start getting ready as we have to go grocery shopping in an hour or so. I actually look forward to grocery shopping. At least I get to look at things I can't have :-/

Friday, October 23, 2009

Don't worry

I am not going to post for a few days or so. I am really tired at the moment and stressed out. I am okay but just need some time out right now. I still might post depending on my weigh in tomorrow which is going to be awful :-(

Saturday, October 17, 2009

It's been ages...

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted. It has been a very busy week though with being back at work. I have been so tired every night when I've gotten home. We also have a lot of dust in the air at the moment that has come from the outback and I have had sore eyes and a runny nose from it and asthma as well. It's awful!

Well today I weigh 55.7kg. I am so relieved about that. I was thinking that I was just going to go up again. I love saying that, 55; 55; 55... ahhhh!

Good news, it looks like A has possibly gotten a job in his actual field he is trained in. He is so excited and I think he will find out next week whether or not he gets the job. It does sound very promising though and it really is his dream job :-)

I am going shopping today... yay... love shopping. Will write more later :-)

Monday, October 12, 2009

Now this is going to sound dumb

How do you view or see your followers blogs? I'm hoping one of my followers can answer this. I click on your icons and your names appear but I can't figure out what blog is yours and how to see it . I have done it in the past but can't figure it out now. I would really like to see your blogs for those of you I haven't seen :-)

Sunday, October 11, 2009

How is that possible?

Okay, had a sneak in weigh and I have put on a kg in one day! That totally sucks! I think it is actually because I am constipated. My belly is a little sore like it is when that happens. I have taken laxies in the hope that this will clear today. I didn't overdo it yesterday, though I did have a few extra things. Certainly not enough for a shock like that though. I'm hoping when my belly is feeling better that I will be able to get back to where I was. I am not really really worried, so I guess I will see how I go today and see what I am tomorrow.

I am back at work tomorrow and funny, I'm a little nervous. I have been away for my 2 weeks break and I don't know what has happened this week while I have been away. I might ring J this afternoon to see how things have gone this week.

Ugh... belly sore :-/

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Must GET CONTROL

Well today has been a failure. I woke up to that amazing number and then went out of my way today to destroy it. Fuck! I had chocolate and banana bread and a few other things. Nothing major but I know that I will be over 55.3 tomorrow. I have to get up early so I can weigh before A comes upstairs. I'm feeling kind of flat this afternoon and I'm not really sure why. I have been struggling between this and that today. Once minute I want to watch tv and then I don't. I made a card (well a copy of the one I made the nurses last thursday). I'm not really happy with it. Then A bought out the cheese and I had a bit and my head is screaming at me to put the fucking cheese away. Ugh! Stupid. You don't want to wreck 55.3.

I have to deal with moron Chris at work on monday. He is doing my job while I am away and I can't stand him. He is an idiot. I heard that while I have been away he hasn't been doing himself any favours. He has been surfing the net and upsetting my two workmates that I get along really well with. I am going to J tomorrow to see how this week went and C, my other friend, rang me on tuesday last week to say that Chris is not well liked with J and C. I knew this as I was the first one to see him for what he is... and idiot. He thinks he is so great (he's a lawyer that doesn't have the ability to practice in australia yet), but he didn't realise that I have more qualifications than him and I am older than him (he thought he was older and better) I put him in his place before I left and I will again if I have too. Ugh... I hate know it alls. I don't tell everyone how good I am. I am happy with myself and I don't need to tell poeple that I am better. I am just me and I love my job. Enough of the rant!

So exciting

Firstly... hello to my new follower... thank you for reading what I see as pretty boring sometimes :-/

Good news... I can't hardly sit still. Saturday morning weigh in and I'm 55.3kg. I can't believe it. I haven't been this weight since 2005. I'm so excited and 54kg is just around the corner. I started on these new pain tablets a few weeks ago and most people put on weight and find themselves drowsy on them. I feel normal on them and I've lost weight on them. I saw my weight last saturday was 55.9kg, so I'm happy with where I am, especially since one or two days the week before that I was getting up to 56.8.

I did eat pizza last night but only two small pieces and I had two pieces of garlic bread. Usually I go nuts with garlic bread, but I didn't last night, yay for me. I'm so happy! I have been very restrained lately. I hope I can keep this up.

Friday, October 9, 2009

55.5kg

Wow... saw this number tonight... I can't believe it. I haven't been this weight for years!!!!

Very happy right now. I have to be careful though as A wants pizza tonight. I don't want to mess up this weight. I will try and just have two pieces and that's it... I must not overdo it.

Happy happy

I weighed myself today and I'm still in the 55kgs. I am so happy. If A found out I have weighed myself every week, I don't think he would be very happy. I got the most gorgeous shoes yesterday, I love them so much, let me know what you think?



 

I can't decide which pair to wear today. I think the pink but they do make my feet sore at the moment if I wear them for too long, so I will take some comfy shoes too so I don't get too sore.

I am having a massage today! My back is sore and my legs and feet blah blah blah! I have been overdoing it the last few days and I had a very heavy backpack yesterday.

This is a short post. I can't really concentrate right now so I will write more tomorrow :o)

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

OMG... I just saw 55.7kg

I'm so excited! I can't believe my scale just said 55.7!!!! I have been waiting for the 55s to come back for so long WOOHOO! I have been trying really hard over the end of last week and this week and it is obviously working.

I have no pain as well and my headaches are gone wow, this is amazing. I am on new medication for my headaches and it's practically taken them away AND... I am sleeping properly YAY! !

Stay safe... hugs :o)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Much better

It's amazing what a little willpower will do. I haven't eaten any junk food for several days now and I am now back down to 56.3kg. Yay for me! I am so happy with that. My weigh-ins are getting more frequent. I am up to every day now. I have to hide it too so A doesn't find out. Usually first thing in the morning is okay as he is outside drinking coffee and smoking, but I get up later than him and when he does come in, he has to open the sliding back door which is loud! Then I can put my pj's back on and put the scales back and he has no idea. In a way I feel bad, but it also give me motivation to fix things when I lose it with my food intake. I would so love to get to 55kg by the weekend... fingers crossed. I am feeling better too and my belly is shrinking. At lunch now, I say to myself that I can only have half of any of the food that I have. I am skipping afternoon tea too now and then a small dinner as I can't escape that with A. Oh well!

Thanks for the comment Belle Svelte, yes I love the cat picture too. I can't even remember where I go that from and yes, eating no junk food is working. I think what happens with me is that I see a lower weight and I go okay I can eat. But it doesn't really hit my body for a few weeks and by then it takes me a week or so to get it back under control. NO JUNK FOOD! Go stick to someone else's ribs :-/

Sunday, October 4, 2009

My belly

OMG my belly is so big. I feel like everyone can tell it's enormous. I stuffed my face with junk for three weeks and now it's starting to show. My belly is hanging over my pants. It's horrible. I decided to cut right back on my food intake but it's probably going to take a week for belly to start going back to normal.

So I fuck it up straight away and eat a blueberry and white chocolate scone. Ugh, I wasn't even hungry and now it's going to stick to my belly and make it bigger :o( I have no idea why I really ate it. Fuck! I can't get away with fasting with A around as he will notice. I have no self control.

Well I'm taking control right now, fuck you junk food. You will not pass these lips. I hate the way you flirt with me wherever I go. You are disgusting and I hate you for trying to fuck my body up. You are nothing. Go find another body to destroy.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

bad week

This has been a bad week of panic attacks in public, pain and horrible issues with food. I weighed in this morning at 56.8kg and this is bad bad bad!!! I am so unhappy with this weight. I need to get it down, but right now I'm too tired and too sore (headache again) and can't be fucked.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Ana kicks butt

She was mean and she kicked my butt. I was 57.3kg yesterday morning and so there were rules yesterday. I was only able to eat half of anything I get given. I weighed this morning and I'm 56.7kg. I'm happy with that in a way but I want to get it down further. Today will be the same rule, half of what I have. I tricked the nurses yesterday as they bought me my lunch, I ate half and I put it back out on the trolley that they bring all the trays in and I pretended that I was being "helpful" :oP  They didn't notice. Though the psychologist did ask me a few ED questions yesterday. Oh well, at least that didn't last long, as the others all came in.

My headahces have lessened. I've been started on a medication that is for nerve pain and it's helping a lot. I did have a bad night last night though and I have found that it didn't help as much. I was also shaky and anxious yesterday afternoon.

Thinking of you all. I haven't had a lot of time this week to comment on blogs, but I have been reading. I don't know what I would do without this amazing community we have here! I can't talk to anyone else about how fucked up I am with food and my weight!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Fuck!

I weighed myself this morning and I am 57.3kg... fuck! I feel horrible. I have been eating way to much crap food over the last few weeks and I have decided now that this has to STOP! I am so mad at myself. I want could cry. That means in a less than a week, I've managed to put on 1.3kg :-(

I wish I could hide in my colours and glitters and paint myself to look different than my fat self. I wish I was certainly celery because I don't think I could get fat on celery, I think, maybe! Maybe I could get fat on celery, maybe I could get fat on anything. I want to fast. I will cut down. Restrict, restrict, restrict. I must stay strong and think thin. No excuses. I hope ana kicks my butt so hard that I will never forget that I must be thin. I must not eat. not eat. not eat. not eat. Argh! I suck!