Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I have taken control

After I posted the other day when I was feeling really bad, I ended asking A if we could remove all the bad stuff from the house and he said yes. I was really surprised as he hates wastage but he could see this was really bothering me. Luckily he doesn't really go for sweet stuff in a big way and since just saying this to him, I have finally found my motivation to bring things back under control. That day I was 57.5kg and now I'm 57.1kg. I know that is hardly a difference but when I see the number drop, even by a small amount, it makes me feel better.

I am going on a retreat this weekend, which I am very excited about (it's for cardmaking/scrapbooking) but I am also nervous as I have no idea what type of food they will have. I have requested low fat, so I am hoping that is going to happen. It's actually quite scary to give that control away to someone else for 3 days... argh! It's pretty sad though that artificial sweetener is on my to pack list :-/

Work has been so busy over the last few weeks. Last friday was the last day of semester two and now we are calculating final grades for students. I am also up and down to the counter all day and we are also organising exams for students who were sick on their exam day, plus the start of summer semester starting on monday - lots of enquires. The only bad thing about work is that I have no official idea of what is happening with my job. I am pretty sure I am staying, but it hasn't yet been sorted. My contract runs out on December 31 but I have been asked to put things in my calendar for february next year. So I am pretty sure I am staying. I love my job and I would hate to have to start over again somewhere else.

If I had to think of the most rewarding part, I guess I would have a few answers to that. For me, getting the timetable for semester one finished before anyone else in our whole university was good. The other thing is seeing students come in and I chat to them and get to know their names and then I see that they have got the highest possible grade. I have one student in particular and she is so lovely and she keeps getting a really high grade each semester and I always get really excited for her. I found out yesterday too that one of our students got the highest possible grade for her honours thesis... I was very proud of her :-)

Anyway, I am degressing. I feel good today though, that is probably why I sound happy and my weight is coming down... yay!

I hope you all have a groovy day :-)

Sunday, November 22, 2009

I am nothing

I know I have said this so many times... I am fat. Sometimes I will get to this point where I will say, this is enough! I will get this amazing control and I will lose weight. That is something I am wishing for right now. I am terrified. Will I just keep gaining. All I seem to have done over the last month is put food in my mouth and it's about to get even worse. Next weekend I am going away with some friends to this mountain retreat. There will be food and I am stuck. There is this new friend I have an she doesn't know anything about my ED. I so want my control by then. The last time I was around this weight, it was July. I am my heaviest in four months. I hate myself. I seem to just keep gaining and gaining and there is no control. For me it's all or nothing. I wish it was nothing. I am scared I will just keep going and going and going and going and getting fatter and fatter argh!

I'm nearly 58... I suck :-(

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Tomorrow and I start again

I have thought about how the last few days/weeks have gone and that's it... I will gain my control back starting first thing tomorrow. I don't care how I do it, but by this time next week, I will feel better and I will be smaller. No more snacking and stuffing my face with sugar and fat. Fuck you food, I will not eat you. I hate you and I am taking Ana back into my life. I don't care that it's A's birthday this week and next saturday it's a huge birthday party for him. I will find a way to hide the food. I don't care how I do it, but it must be creative. I had a look at my weight chart for this time last year and on November 15 last year, I was 59.8kg. Yesterday morning I was 56.7kg. I want to be back under that 55kg mark. I am not happy with the fact that I am heading back towards 57kg. The last time I was 57kg, was the beginning of September. No way.

FUCK YOU FOOD! I hate you and I don't want you. I want to be light. So light that I will float. I am light! I am air. I will not lose. I will be free. I will free my body from its fat and heaviness that it is currently surrounded in. I will not get to what I was last xmas. By the day after xmas I was 61kg. I am never ever going to be that fat again. I want to cut the fat off. I want to wither away.

Ana... please help me... I need you!

Saturday, November 7, 2009

A poem

The Fold Line

How do I escape the
endless babble in my head
the words that are waking up
the words that are working up
and the words that are just lost.

The paper bag I am fighting

out of is flimsy at best
but its wrinkles give me
a map of sorts
maybe if I follow the fold line
I will eventually pull free.

So busy I can't breathe

I haven't had time to do anything these last few weeks. I just seem to go to work and come home and flake out. When I am at home I am thinking about work and I seem to be in this never ending cycle at the moment. So much for control. I have none at all. I am going around in circles. I have just been eating anything in sight and I can't seem to say no myself. Next week is A's birthday and then 5 days after that is mine. I am excited in a way and I do love birthdays, whether it is mine or someone elses.

I think the thing that is really awful at the moment is how huge I feel. My belly has expanded and my clothes feel uncomforable. I hate it! I feel like I'm bursting out of my clothes but I can't seem to make myself just stop. I don't know what I will do, I guess I just have to keep going and hope. I'm hoping that feeling awful in my clothes will help me to snap out of it. I really do. If that doesn't work I'm at a loss right now.

I hope you are all okay and I'm gonig to catch up on blogs right now :-)