Thursday, December 31, 2009

what have I accomplished

When I think about where I was three years ago, nothing compares to how I feel about myself now. I know I have had a rough last few weeks of the year, well rough last eight weeks, but it doesn't define my year. I think about the friends I have made this year, although it seems like I don't have any sometimes. I think about a very important friendship I lost and how that makes me feel. I don't know that I will be over it completely for a while, but I hope that this person, S, is okay and is doing better than she seemed to 12 months ago. I hope she feels better about herself and that she has found someone in her life that fulfills her. I don't know that I would be willing to be friends with her at this point, but I don't wish her ill.

I think of what I have with A and how much I love him. We are getting married next year on March 12th. That is really cool and I'm really happy about that. Also happy that it will be so low key. I'm not really the girly type... well sometimes. I am glad it will just be me and him and our parents.

I am glad I met J and C at work. No matter what happens with work next year, I will always value having them as friends and I care about both of them an awful lot. I am really happy I have reached out again to Y and that she is such a good friend. I hope things go okay for her next year as her work situation sounds a little awful. We both are not looking forward to the year starting. I hope it works out for her. She was a great boss when I worked for her and now as part of the timetabling team that works with her directly, she is the coordinator for the whole university, she is amazing!

I have finished one application. I am happy with that. I just have to check that C will be a referee for me and I can send it in. I will call her on Saturday and ask and then send it in. I will also finish the one I have for the other job at my uni, though I am hoping to get the one at a new university I haven't worked at before. I have heard they treat their staff better and people I have spoken to have liked working for them. We'll see I guess. I have no idea what is going to happen, but I won't go into the year afraid. Whatever happens at my workplace on Monday happens. All I can do is just do my job and ignore anything that I feel is directed towards me in a not so nice way. I will have C there with me and J will be back a few weeks after that. I'm hoping to be gone not long into the new year to a new job where I will be happier.

I am going to try really hard to make the coming year a good one and not worry so much. It's funny though that I say that, I am such a worrier. I can't seem to help myself. And if I'm not worrying, I worry about why I am not worrying :-/

Anyway, I hope you all have a really great new year. I am tired and it's really sad that I probably won't stay awake until after midnight. At least I try, but when you get up at 5am, you don't tend to be able to stay awake late.

Take care everyone and huge hugs
Sairs

what do I want for next year

I'm not a huge fan of new year's resolutions, as I often feel guilty when I don't do what I said I wanted to do. Instead I can think of a number of things that I'd like to do or get better at.

- I want a new job, this is the no. 1 thing
- I want to be able to maintain my weight or be a little lower (I always want to be smaller)
- I want to learn to make better cards and emboss really well
- I want to finish my calendar for 2010 (I'm incredibly slow at projects like this) and I haven't even started this one
- I want to be able to watch a movie without falling asleep
- I want to feel better about myself and feel confident in the things I do
- I want to be happy

Sairs

what I know for sure

I know for sure that I am 4kg lighter than I was this time last year and that makes me feel good. I know for sure that this time last week, I was 1kg lighter and I was so proud of myself for not stuffing my face now that I was on holidays. It kind of sucks. Today I am 57kg. This number freaks me out! My limit or should I say the number that I will not go over, the number that always makes me fight back and lose weight is 56.9kg. I have surpassed it by the smallest of margins but it is enough that I want to see that back in the 56's.

Normally I would start this new weight loss regime at the beginning of the new year, but the only problem with that is the new year as part of A's family is fraught with danger. New years day is the biggest family gathering of the year for his family. It's the one day every year that he sees cousins, nephews, uncles and aunts etc. You get the picture. For the last 2 years I have tried to be "good" when I am there, but it never works. All I can do, is try and be as good as I can.

I have decided on a date that I will get back to my old food plans and that is January 4. It is a monday and it is the start of going back to work and it is the start of operation fuck you work, I am finding a new job.

I have had A look at both my selection criteria and he says that they are good. I am glad about that. He said that the first one read better than the second one, so I might re-read it this afternoon and try and make it flow better. The great thing is that I really only have one more to do. I did have four jobs to apply for, but one involves supervising staff and I really don't want to do that. The first two I am happy to apply for, the third, not so much, but I'll see how I go. I know that soon there will be lots of new jobs appearing, as this time of the year the schools/faculties/universities are wishing to train up new staff now in time for semester one starting in March.

Lots to think about, lots to do.

*hugs*

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

what I need to do

I need to stay angry, that's what I need to do! I know this sounds odd, but I am having trouble staying motivated to do those four job applications. So today I rang a friend of mine that I haven't spoken to since I had my freak out and I told her the whole story and I got really angry again. The good thing though is it inspired me to finish application number one. I have done it and A is going to look through it in the morning. I told him he has to remind me daily about how I felt when I had my panic attack and how much I hate working where I am so I can get those other three applications finished before I go back to work on January 4. I will do it too. I am not going work where I am and I hope they crash under the strain of trying to figure out all the stuff I do that is in my head and not written down as part of any procedure. I know this sounds horrible and I feel really awful for the academic staff and the students but I hope that my boss drowns in it when I leave. I hope that my friends J and C leave too and that the school crumbles because of the deads of the school manager's disgusting behaviour towards the staff that have to work within the school.

Monday, December 28, 2009

tomorrow I will be

fatter than I was today. I ate too much. My belly is full. I don't like it! I dread the weigh-in :-(

feeling sad

I don't know why I feel sad. I feel alone this afternoon, even though I'm not. I've eaten too much and I have lots of things I need to do. But I have no energy or motivation. I hate feeling like that. I want to design my calendar for next year but I can't seem to be able to do that. I want to write my applications for the four jobs I found. I need to do these by the end of the week but again, no energy and words don't come easy to me today. I don't know what I'll do :-(

and so I eat my words

A and I looked at our finances last night and it simply would not be viable for me to leave work without another job to go to. The difference with me leaving instead of him a few months ago, is that he had several thousand dollars saved and he lived off of that. I don't have any savings as I tend to spend it when I get it.

I have decided though that although I will be going back, it will only ever be temporary. I have four jobs to apply for by the end of this week that I have to do the applications for. I have started to do one and I'm hoping that a little later today I can sit down and finish it and get it ready to be sent off.

Weight and food wise, I'm okay, though I wasn't too happy about how much I ate yesterday and today I am 56.3kg but I'm still okay with that as I feel like I'm a little blocked up if you know what I mean. I will take some laxies later if need be.

I have a little bit of a headache too today, which kind of sucks a bit. I finally got to try my heat embossing gun that A got me for xmas and it's so cool, though I did manage to stuff the first one up. I guess I just have to practise more.

I hope you are all doing okay *hugs*

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Oh... weigh in

I forgot. I was 56.0kg on the scales today... yeah!!! Happy with that :-)

Will be leaving my job

I had a serious talk to A last night and he and I both decided I will not be going back to work at the place where I work ever! I am scared but I know that if I don't leave, my mental health is going to be seriously at stake. You can already see the anxeity and horrible feelings of wanting to self harm. A is going to go in for me on 4 January and he will clean out my desk (I am hoping with the help of C, my friend at work). I will call her closer to the time anyway. There are jobs I can apply for, I have 3 that need to be in early January that I have the qualifications for, which is really good. I am not sure if I will go back to the university I worked for. To be honest, I don't really want to.

Will update more later.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

weigh in after xmas

Well I was hoping I would be fine and I was, yay for me. I only weigh 56.2kg this morning. I knew the 55's were due to mental meltdowns and that the 56's seem to be what I can maintain but still have some normality with food - relatively I guess. I was very happy with my xmas presents. I was amazed at some of them, A is a very good present buyer. He is amazing. I love him so much. Not just because of the presents but because, the other day when I had my very public panic attack, he was so good. He was the only one that I wanted to talk to and after all those hours of not talking, as soon as he arrived, I was fine and he brought Harold (my little plush hippo if you don't know - he's so cute).

One of the other things, besides windows 7 (which is so much better than vista by the way), is my heat gun. I can now do heat embossing on my cards and whatever else I want to make. I am so excited about that. I was going to wait until my order came in from Stampin Up but I can't wait. I am going to get some clear embossing powder tomorrow and a static pillow so I can start embossing as soon as I can. I know that having extra is fine, so I don't care that I've already ordered it as I know I will use it.

Oh yeah, I have a picture of the possum that we are feeding at the moment. Her name is Scaredy, as she is really timid. A can hand feed her apple and banana and stuff and he has been able to pat her, though not a lot.



I will try and write more later, but just depends. We are going to A's folks' place today for lunch and xmas with them, so not sure. Though, the do only live 5 minutes away.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Xmas



I hope everyone is feeling okay! I am having a great day actually. Food is okay, though we have the "roast" thing tonight. I got windows 7 for xmas and I've been fixing programs all day! This is the first chance I have had to get on here and post. Will write more maybe later or tomorrow!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Random photos of my life


Do you ever wonder about the lives of the other people whose blogs you look at? Took some pics, some random photos of my life...


 Where I blog


Where else I blog


My bed and my crazy plush toys. My craft mag and my current book.
Yes Ziggy is wrapped in xmas paper ;-)

 My feet in my crocs... exciting!

Me



Ink... just a bit!

About 20 types of glue and there's glitter in here. My excuse and my escape!


This is the front of my townhouse.


This is my street and you can see it's a lovely day.


Temptation... where I shop (this is the back).


The fridge... a scary, frightening place!


My xmas tree, or part of it, I should say :o)

I hope you are all feeling okay at the moment. I'm trying to not think about xmas and also about dinner. Dinner is tacos tonight. But I am making them and I get to put my own together.
Hugs
Sairs

Let's think this through

Tomorrow - xmas day in oz! How will I handle it. Well I know there are heaps of presents under the tree already and A and I haven't put the ones we have for each other under yet. I have heaps for him. Got him the last little thing today. He got me my last little thing yesterday, but had to tell me what it was as I had it on hold at my local craft shop to do over xmas. It is a calendar blank. WTF is that I hear you say. Well it's basically a desk calendar that you totally design yourself. It's bascially raw cardboard that has been bound with a ring binder along the top edge. I wanted it to have something to do craft wise that will keep my fingers busy and out of the food... you know, the glitter and glue thing!

Of course you can't eat that with glitter, glue and ink all over your hands and you can't stop now or it will all dry and you need put this or that on first!

It works so well!


I had a call from my local hospital's acute mental health team about an hour ago. The hospital I got taken to the other day when I had my psycho panic attack rang them and now they are 'keeping an eye on me'. It's cool, at least they care. I was just hoping to get through the holidays without any more mental health stuff. I had to tell them the whole story and reassure them that I am not going to go nuts and hurt myself over the holidays. I did tell them it was January 4, I was more concerned over and was honest in that I told Rebecca that I had thought about hopping on a train and just keeping on going, instead of stopping and going to work.

Back to tomorrow's food plan.

Before breakfast - tea with sweetener
Breakfast - english muffin and V8
Morning tea - mini lemon tart and diet coke
Lunch - Salad and ham, plus mint pattie for after and diet coke
Afternoon tea - hmm, hadn't thought about this one, don't know yet, but it will envolve diet coke
Dinner - Rolled roast chicken and roast vegies. Mini sized xmas pudding

If I can try and stick to that and not go over, I should be okay. I feel fat today. Might take some laxies. I'll see how I feel. Haven't crapped in a few days though (I know, TMI). Might take some laxies tonight and then again tomorrow night. That should clear it. I am now weighing myself every day, so I will see how I am tomorrow. Hope my plan works and I hope all of your plans work too. I'm sure at some point tomorrow, I will post. Maybe more than once... joy oh joy! I'm sure you're all so excited :-P

A Poem

The Addict

Sleepmonger,
deathmonger,
with capsules in my palms each night,
eight at a time from sweet pharmaceutical bottles
I make arrangements for a pint-sized journey.
I'm the queen of this condition.
I'm an expert on making the trip
and now they say I'm an addict.
Now they ask why.
Why!

Don't they know
that I promised to die!
I'm keeping in practice.
I'm merely staying in shape.
The pills are a mother, but better,
every color and as good as sour balls.
I'm on a diet from death.

Yes, I admit
it has gotten to be a bit of a habit --
blows eight at a time, socked in the eye,
hauled away by the pink, the orange,
the green and the white goodnights.
I'm becoming something of a chemical
mixture.
That's it!

My supply
of tablets
has got to last for years and years.
I like them more than they like me.
Stubborn as hell, they won't let go.
It's a kind of marriage.
It's a kind of war
where I plant bombs inside
of myself.

Yes
I try
to kill myself in small amounts,
an innocuous occupation.
Actually I'm hung up on it.
But remember I don't make too much noise.
And frankly no one has to lug me out
and I don't stand there in my winding sheet.
I'm a little buttercup in my yellow nightie
eating my eight loves in a row
and in a certain order as in
the laying on of hands
or the black sacrament.

It's a ceremony
but like any other sport
it's full of rules.
It's like a musical tennis match where
my mouth keeps catching the ball.
Then I lie on my alter
elevated by the eight chemical kisses.

What a lay me down this is
with two pink, two orange,
two green, two white goodnights.
Fee-fi-fo-fum --
Now I'm borrowed.
Now I'm numb.

by Anne Sexton 1966

How many me's are there?

I was thinking of my personality and my behaviours and I had an interesting thought, how many parts of me are there? I will list what I can separate or fragment:

Normal me - the one wearing the mask
Crazy me - has meltdowns, self harms, likes the psych ward because it feels safe
Anorexic me - one part of the ED, there are more
Bulimic me - she is very weak
Depressive me - bipolar part one
Manic me - bipolar part two
Psychotic me - similar to crazy, even more crazy
Zainy me - the me that does silly things, does silly dances to silly music and is happy
Angry me - this is a whole other thing. Angry me can cause crazy me to join the party
Spiritual me - the pagan, the one who reads tarot and medicine cards, I get in the zone here
Annoying me - the one who complains about everything
Chatterbox me - this one can be combined with any, all or none of the others, I talk a lot

I'm sure there are more me's in there. What about you? How many you's are there. I'm sure someone can beat me.

I dare you ;oP

Change to positive

I have been having a horrible few weeks, but that doesn't mean I can't turn it around. I am going to put all work stuff out of my head for as long as I can and I will focus on being happy, but being mindful of my caloric intake.

I weighed in this morning at 56.0kg. I am happy with that as a start weight to get through xmas. This time last year, I was 4kg heavier. This sounds like I've lost nothing but to me it's huge. I know I can't do 48kg anymore, though I would love nothing more to feel that small again. I guess though even then I felt it wasn't small enough. The line gets drawn lower. I guess I will just try to maintain mid 50's and be happy with that. At least I'm not 58kg anymore as that made me feel bad.

I will almost definitely post again today, I need to have a plan for tomorrow!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I have no words

to describe how I feel when I think of work and having to go back. Luckily that is 12 days away. I wonder what will happen the morning of that day and whether I will make it at all. I'm not talking about topping myself when I say this, but the feeling of wanting to escape. I don't want to tell anyone higher what has happened at work to me because I am scared of the school manager. I am scared no one will believe me because I have bipolar disorder and I will lose my job and no one will want me.

Today I took a card I made and some chocolates to Emma, the lady who helped me last night when I freaked out at the train station. It felt good to do that. But when I went to go back into the station after seeing a movie, I saw the guy they had 'guard' me while Emma was calling the ambulance and I stopped, ducked behind the otherside of the station and went in that way. I am so embarrased. The worst bit, is it will be all on security tape. In a way I wish they would show it to the cow that is my boss, she would see what a wreck she has made of me. I am going to leave that job, I have already started looking.

I feel so small. That this will happen again. I feel like I can't trust anyone. It's a horrible feeling. I want to escape.


hi

Hi to my new follower !


Hope you are all okay :-)

Craziness - long post

Yesterday morning I was feeling okay. I went to work like normal and was getting through everything fine. The school manager comes into the office about morning tea and gives us all a little packet of rum balls - great, hope she didn't expect me to eat them! At lunch time office manager who is on leave comes in and when people ask why she is there, she says she came to the bank. I didn't believe her when all the banks that we have near where we work are everywhere else too. She went into the school managers office and they shut the door. Now they are like peas and a pod. They are very close, so I start to get paranoid that the school manager is showing the office manager my email I sent to her when I was really angry. I knew she couldn't email it to her because there would be trail that could be followed. I start to get even more paranoid but I see the school manager later in the corridor and she seems fine.

Knowing I had one more day at work made me feel bad so I said to the school manager that things weren't going well and I had to leave. She said okay but gave me this funny look. More paranoia. I get her rum balls out of the fridge and I leave work and there is this huge storm happening and it's raining but I don't want to throw them away near the building, she might be watching - yes crazy I know. So I throw them out right near the bus but I still feel like she is watching.  I get on the bus and swap to the train but realise that the train I'm on is the wrong one. I start to panic. I get off at central station and start cry, my chest is heaving. I am standing in the middle of the station bawling my eyes out and I can't stop and I'm just standing there.

A lady comes over and asks me if I'm okay and I say I don't know. Then the station master comes over and a first aid officer and there's people everywhere and I get this crazy thought that they are watching me but the school manager can still see me through their eyes. That she is watching. She's always watching. So I don't talk. They lead me out the back into this small room and this really nice lady, the first aid officer, her name was Emma, start asking me stuff, my name, where I am from, if anyone has hurt me. I only nod or shake my head, mainly head shaking. I can't talk. They offer me water, I don't take it. I can't stop crying and freaking out.

Finally after about 20 minutes I whisper I'm sorry. I still don't tell her anything. I can't look at her. I eventually say that A will be worried and she asked if I wanted to ring him and I said I can't go home. She then says she will ring and I eventually tell her my first name and she calls him. She tells him they are going to send me on the next train home and pay for a taxi for me to get home because by now it's getting dark. I think A tells them that he will pay for me to catch a taxi to home to get home safe. I start to walk out with them but when we go to go through the doors I see people and I freak out and drop to the floor in a crouch. I get lead back to the room. In the end they call and ambulance and the ambulance take me to the hospital for a psych assessment. I didn't talk for over two hours. I wouldn't look at anyone. I was terrified. I felt really out of it. I slowly start to feel better and the out of it feeling starts to slip away but I am sitting in the emergency psych assessment area and they have taken all my stuff. I have nothing on me at all. I haven't eaten since lunch time and I'm okay with that (----> side note, I was 55.3kg this morning and still haven't eaten).

A turns up and he looks okay and he has Harold. I am really happy to see him and I finally start to talk. This is now after about 3 hours, I've already had the assessment with the nurse and they offer me medication and I say I don't want drugs. I want to go home. I tell her I panicked and that is all. I see the psychiatrist and after the whole explanation, he is fine with me going home. We arrive home at 10:30pm and go straight to bed.

I still don't know what to do about work. I find it scary and I am terrified to go back. I won't go back now until Jan 4 anyway.

If you've stayed with me this long, I am amazed. Going to try and eat as little as possible today. Though might have an english muffin now and some V8.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Please forgive me

I thought about how I was when I wrote my last post. I am sorry if I worried anyone or made anyone feel uncomfortable. I was so caught up in my own depressed feelings, that I should probably have not be so graphic in discribing how I was going to hurt myself. I'm sorry! So let's move on.

I saw an amazing number on the scale this morning 55.6kg. I feel in a way that this number won't last. It flashed up and I was so excited I couldn't redo it to check. I thought I would feel bad if I hopped on the scale again and it was higher. I am expecting to be back in the 56's tomorrow. However, that doesn't mean I am going start bingeing. I think instead I will still try and do my halves thing. Only eat half of what I have in front of me.

Anyway, a shorter post today. I tripped up the stairs to the train yesterday afternoon and graze my left hand (thankfully I am right handed) and it's sore.

Take care everyone :-)

Monday, December 21, 2009

no trust

I have been thinking this afternoon today about my job. I have been thinking about how I feel towards my boss and how we had that horrible situation last week. I don't trust her. I don't trust her one bit. She probably doesn't trust me, but more because she is worried that I will not allow her to manipulate or control me to the point where I feel intimidated. I am feel quite depressed about the whole situation. I have decided that since my contract has been extended by 3 months, I have 3 months to find a job, a permanent one. I haven't told anyone at work yet and I probably won't.

I guess today when I started to plan serious self harm just to get away from there and no, I don't mean food. I mean to the point where I would probably end up in hospital. I thought to myself that is this horrible women worth it. Is she really worth me hurting myself. The problem is probably that I feel like self harming anyway and she is just providing me with a reason. I started to plan it out. To figure out where to get what I would need to do this self harm. I feel like, what the fuck is the point (I know this all sounds bad and wouldn't do this to A anyway as he has had two cousins suicide), there are too many poeple in my life that hurting myself like this would hurt. The urge though is so strong. I want to cut, I haven't done it nearly 3 years and I want to do worse. Argh. I hate this. I hate feeling depressed. I feel trapped and when I feel trapped I plan shit like this. I always have. Fact is, no one knows about this blog. Well people know of its existence but no one knows it's name, my name on here or which "blog" site to even search in. The only thing they could search is my email address but I have it as private.

I don't know why I am saying all this. Probably scare you all away. I should be excited about Christmas but I'm not right now. All I can think about is that I have 2 more days of work and how the hell can I get through them without C (one of my friends at work) she is now on leave. J, my other friend, her last day is tomorrow. I have until Wednesday. I am so paranoid. I feel like my boss is going to try and "get me" in that day when no one is around. That sounds so fucked up. I'm scared I am getting unwell. I do have bipolar disorder and am worried a little that I could be getting depressed. Could be, maybe I should say am depressed. I wish I could anything to get away from work. I want to walk out and just walk and walk for hours and hours. Turn my phone off, not tell anyone where I am. Escape. It's awful. I just want to curl up in bed and pull the doona over my head and never come out. Never talk again. Never eat again. Just wither away until I'm nothing.

I'm depressed, right before Christmas and I have no idea what I'm going to do. I don't want to be anywhere!


Sunday, December 20, 2009

Try half

Well this is first. Post number 7 for today. I guess I have been thinking a lot today.

Dinner was okay. I put in my bowl what I thought looked like an okay amount. Moved the food around a lot, ate some and then gave half to A. Maybe I should think about this as a real plan. No matter what I eat, only eat half. The only exception being breakfast, which is usually a small bowl of Just Right. If I eat enough at breakfast, I tend to be able to not binge like when I don't eat breakfast.

Now that sounds like a plan!

My original plan for 2009

I had a major meltdown in December last year. I remember it. It was the 28th and I was at Target trying on clothes. The surrounding mirrors crushed my soul. I remember looking and wrapping my arms around my body and crouching and I cried there half dressed. I was 62.9kg.

The disappointment of putting on weight after being so small was horrible. I remember I rang A and I cried and told him I had to lose weight again. I was motivated but terrified, alone and scared. I remember I rang around looking for a new dietitian and I found one who said that the urgency of my voice had made him concerned. I saw him on January 2nd 2009. I felt horrible. He told me that I wasn't fat. Yeah right!!!! He said that getting down to 58kg was a good idea. My head is nodding but I am thinking, I want to be back to 48kg. I didn't tell him that.

He gave me this meal plan and said if I stuck to it, I wouldn't lose my ability to think like I did when I was starving and 48kg. This is what he gave me and still I don't add up the calories because that scares me.

Breakfast
1 cup of Just Right and skim milk
a piece of fruit

Morning tea
Three vita wheats and extra light phildelphia cheese spread
a piece of fruit

Lunch
Light ham and salad sandwich
a piece of fruit

Afternoon tea
handful of raw unsalted unroasted nuts
a piece of fruit

Dinner
Small portion of whatever A was cooking
though dividing the plate into half and then one half into half again.
The large half is vegies, one small half carbs and one small half meat

Fucking fruit did my head though and I hated this plan! It reduced quite quickly. The problem - simply too much food. I did eat like this to start with to get into the hang of eating lower amounts of food and not bingeing. I kept losing too much weight though and he was not happy with me at all. He said if I was really overweight he would be really happy with the amount of weight of I was losing. He had never worked with a person with an ED before and I think he found it very frustrating. I would cheat. Drink heaps of water before he weighed me so I would weigh heavier. Weighing me backwards so I couldn't see the number. Knowing that I knew the number anyway as I had weighed myself at home first and I was heavier at the clinic because of all the water. He seemed to know these tricks and once or twice said to me "yeah, you guys do that". Meaning people with eating disorders try and hide their disorder, even while trying to get help. I do agree with this.

I am seeing this new psych and I'm like, what the fuck for. I am going to lie to her and try and get help. Then I will actually find a way for the help to feed my ED and I will get worse. I will be proud of the fact that I can go for hours with only water and know I'm hungry and I will tell her this. She will shake her head and give me homework and then I'll do what I do all the time. I'll get bored and sick of her and I'll just stop going and so the cycle goes on and on and on. I never get anywhere. Just through another year, with the intention of changing things but I never do. I just let it stay the same because that's safe. If I actually really tried to "recover", god forbid, I might actually put on weight and then I'd be fat and then I'd hate myself and then I would just start all over again. The fact of the matter is I DON'T WANT TO GET BETTER! I like being the way I am. So why bother.

I have no idea :-/

Poem 3

Spoiled

I am perhaps
unfaithful
to those who
are outside my
own flesh.

I can not help
it, I am an
opportunist--
each pretty
face should
come with a straw
so that I may
slurp up the
perfect moments
without them getting
stuck between
my teeth.

A Night Without Armor - Jewel

Poem 2

Those Certain Girls

I am fascinated by
those certain girls
     you know the ones
the women that are always girls
their tiny bodies like
neglected willow trees
    controlled and contorted
which may blow away with
the slightest disappointment

A Night Without Armor - Jewel

Poem 1

Pretty

There is a pretty girl
on the
Face
of the magazine
And
all I can see
are my dirty
hands
Turning the page

A Night Without Armor - Jewel

How the plan is going

Well... not going to plan! Do plan's ever actually go to plan anyway.

It's 4:19pm and I have had extra stuff today that I hadn't planned on


I ordered a piece of banana bread this morning with my coffee, but I felt so guilty, that I only ate half and made myself walk away from the rest. The good thing is that I love banana bread and to leave half of it there, was really hard. Glad I did though.

Mini spinach and cheese roll 109 at lunch before my salad

This afternoon, not so hot. I wasn't supposed to eat anything but so far I have added a muesli bar 139
Mini packet of cheese and bacon shapes 122
slice of brie cheese 100

And I haven't even had dinner yet... I'm worried about that one. But like I said, I am cooking. I'll just be really careful how I make it, lots of veg and I can overload on veg, serve A his first and then pick the meat bits out so he doesn't see. I will also have to be careful of the noodles. What a shitty day. I have been drinking diet coke all day too.

I must figure out a plan I can stick to :-(

56.1kg

Oh I am happy with this morning's weigh in. Funny though, I'm standing there in my undies and I am watching the scale calculate while I am stepping on - it flashes up 56.0 and then 56.1 and then back to 56.0 and I was hoping, but it did end up settling on 56.1 - very happy!

Thanks for your comments and for reading my blog. I always feel so motivated when I know I do have readers. Sometimes I think I am way too boring he he! I did forget one thing in my plan for today - my morning tea! How could I forget that. It only has a small amount of low fat milk and 4 sweeteners in it. Lucky it's not sugar huh!

I got to thinking how all of us have the different systems of calculating weight and for me, I always want to know what a certain number in pounds equals in kilos. I found this website really helpful, World Wide Metric. Here's the link if anyone is interested: http://www.worldwidemetric.com/metcal.htm.

I'm going to stay strong!

EDIT: my jaw does still hurt, not as much, but I'm sure I can use that ;-)

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Tomorrow's plan

It is 9:40pm and I'm reading blogs in the dark on my blackberry while A is snoring next to me. I am always bitching and complaining about my weight but never real plan my days. I used to do this several years ago and it worked. I'm kinda confused about why I'm seeing this new psych though, as I don't think I ever really want to get "better" or should I say, the fucked up better that I am told I should be while at the same time seeing super skinny chics on the cover of health magazines!

So tomorrow:
English muffin and V8 for breakfast about 6am
Coffee about 9am
Salad (plus my weakness - mint pattie 85 cals tho) 12pm
Nothing else till dinner but diet coke
Dinner is the tough one, as A watches me like a hawk. Tho I think I'm cooking tomorrow night - stir fry. I'll just be extra careful and extra sneaky. If I give A his food first, maybe he will be so focused on his that he won't see how little I actually eat.

I'm hoping my jaw still hurts so I can blame not eating on that.

If I get hungry I will drink lots of water. Oh and my evil - let's get less xmas food worked. This time last year we had so much junk food in the house, that all I did for 10 days was stuff my face. I weighed in at 62.9kg the first saturday after xmas. I'm so glad that I'm starting at 56.5kg this year. Last year it was 61kg. I gave A a great excuse too - no wastage, as he hates wastage. I'm gonna blitz xmas and blow it out of the water this year!

The dentist

I hate the dentist. I know that everyone says that, but I seriously have a problem with going. I had to have a tooth filled today. The dentist is aware that I have "issues". I can't even look when she had the needle in her hand. I closed my eyes really tight and she put the needle in and I could feel it going numb but she must have gotten some close to the back of my throat as all of a sudden, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I started to freak out and I was lifting my head of the chair and trying to swallow and I went wet with sweat and I was screwing my hands together so tight. They basically had to wait until I started to calm down, which did take a while. I had to really focus on the fact that I knew I was breathing and that I could swallow, though it didn't feel like it. Then the other problem is that I actually can't open my mouth open wide or for long. I start to get cramps in my jaw and then I start to cry and am in heaps of pain. In a way I think they know to get in and out as quick as possible with me. They did the whole thing is 15 minutes but it felt like an hour. It took over 3 1/2 hours for the numbness to go away and now I can't open my mouth very wide as it is really sore. I can feel it just sitting here with my mouth closed, the place where the needle went. I tried to eat a small rum ball before but I couldn't open my mouth wide enough. I put it back in the bowl and then realised that I had licked it and it was probably rude to leave a licked rum ball in the bowl for A to eat. So I pull it out and break it into tiny pieces to eat but it still hurts and I don't want to eat anything. I guess the good thing is that I won't be stuffing my face, which is a good thing, but it even hurts to talk, though I think A is kinda happy about that as I am always chattering and never really shut up! He would be in heaven if I ever lost my voice :-P

Have I learnt anything

I am thinking back and I wonder if in the last 100 posts, have I learnt anything about how to deal with my ED. In short, no! I feel like its grip on me is stronger. Will 2010 change anything? Will my new psych help? I've done this all before over and over and over and nothing ever changes. Like everything though, some days it's less and some day's it's more. Sometimes I wonder why I bother. Who fucking cares. I am angry a little today as I was 56.2kg yesterday and yesterday I ate less and today I'm 56.5kg. Fuck! I guess I will try harder. On the way home from work I actually walked as fast as I could until my muscles burned. I don't normally exercise. I hate it actually and I am lazy and won't do it. I have managed before to get down to my lowest with was 48kg by just not eating. I didn't exercise then either. The problem I have is I'm being watched. I can't skip dinner. I fucking hate it. I threw out half of the food I had yesterday and last night I did take some laxies but nothing yet. I guess I am just going to try and limit limitl limit. I have to go to the dentist today, so that's a perfect, sorry my mouth is still numb or sore, way of getting. Ugh! Always the same, why should I even fucking care, but I do and so hence, it never gets better. By better I mean thinner, not better better, if you know what I mean.

Oh yeah... fat person conversation standing waiting for the train yesterday

Her: there's nothing of you
Me: well I've actually put on quite a bit of weight
Her: oh well you look alright now

Then I am thinking she means that by saying alright suddenly instead of looking like there is nothing of me, I now feel like she is telling me I am suddenly fatter. WTF. How screwed is my thinking :-/

Friday, December 18, 2009

Thursday, December 17, 2009

I am laying here in the dark

and I notice that my tummy isn't flat enough and my hip bones aren't sticking out enough. My bones should be poking through more. I wish I was how I was 3 years ago! 48kg was still not small enough but it was a start. My ideal weight right now would be 45kg. Fuck! That means 11kg to go :o(

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Post deleted

Post deleted.

and the shit will hit the fan

I have been so upset for several days about how I dealt with my performance appraisal at where I work. I said I felt that the school manager had bullied me into saying that there were alliances forming within the team. Anyway I ended up on more medication to deal with the anxiety of it all. Yesterday I broke down at work and fortunately/unfortunately it was in front of the school manager's boss. He took me into his room and I told him everything. It was very scary. I think today is going to be hard and the shit will hit the fan. I have no idea what I am going to do right now :-(

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Pills

Pill one, you didn't work. I don't want to feel. It's the feeling that hurts. If I had wings, they would paper thin and irridesent and right now they would be breaking apart. A hole here and there and I would slump against the corner of my room as my wings ripped apart and I would cry. I would be very skinny and my bones would be poking through. Ribs, hip bones, collar bones, my wrists small and boney. I wouldn't be able to function. I would have fallen and I would be done. I would take my little brown pills and maybe a few yellow ones and I would sleep. I would be happy here, because sleep brings the nothingness I long for.

Pain

Pain please go. Please leave. You are hurting me.

Hidden

Just because you can't
see something,
don't assume it isn't there,
maybe you should
look a little harder
in the maze.
Search where you
wouldn't look or
think to find
what you are looking for.
It is always there,
just hidden within a
space one thought
you wouldn't look.

Bullying

Well I feel like I have been the victim of workplace bullying by my own boss. I bascially warned my two friends what had happened and told them both that they are probably going to cop it when they have their reviews (I didn't tell them everything but they know I said stuff I didn't want to). I'm going to number the J's, as there are 4 J's in our office, J1 is my friend; J2 is the office manager, J3 is the school manager and J4 is the quiet finance person.

J1 said she could hear J3's raised voice with me and that is why she was concerned. She called me on Sunday night to see if I was okay. The first thing I did was burst into tears. I didn't tell her everything but it all started three weeks prior when J2 pulled me aside when I made a comment about Chris (I am not going to abbreviate him but C is my other friend, not Chris), the new guy, that she overheard me talking about. She cornered me in the tearoom and then told me that "this doesn't happen in our office and I don't appreciate it", meaning that I was not allowed to talk about other staff members. For the record, Chris doesn't always do a hell of a lot or what he is supposed to do, even when asked. I told C about this too, as I didn't want them to walk in un-awares.

I am scared. I know that J1's performance review is today. I have been put on new/extra meds to cope through this period. I am probably not making sense. I am not making sense to myself but I do know one thing, if this goes bad, I am going to get the hell out of there and just go, I don't know where. I will turn off my mobile phone and I'm just going to wander the streets until I feel safe.

And then there is Ana! Isn't she always lurking there in the background! Telling me how fat and disgusting I am for yesterday's morning tea at work and today's breakfast, even though I haven't eaten yet. I am trying to act normal. I'm only just pulling it off. As J3 said, "I am being watched" which makes me so paranoid. I already know that Ana is watching. So how much more paranoid can I get until I crack. Hey let's find out shall we says the wolf! I hate feeling like this. Fuck you Ana, fuck you food, fuck you J2 and J3 I hate you both and most of you, yes you, the one who's fingers are tap tap tapping away at the little black and silver laptop, I hate you more. YOU are not my friend. YOU don't deserve friends. The only friend you deserve is Ana and she should push you until you explode. Go on Ana I fucking dare you. Make it worse, push me and make me bleed. Do it.... Do it.... fucking do it!





 

Monday, December 14, 2009

the darkness breathes

It has become infested in my soul. I can't escape it. Every breath I take I suck more darkness in. I am blood and shadow. I don't know how to come out again and I want the blade so bad. I try and be happy but it is fake. I pretend with every word that escapes between my lips. My smile is pasted over the sadness. I want to hide under a pile of blankets and never come out. I want to be a butterfly and just fly. Have no thoughts in my head, just the air beneath my wings. The darkness is spreading like a shadow over me slowly and surely and I am be enveloped.

A Shell

I am a shell and I am empty but want to be filled. But the filling could make me fat and so maybe then I am better off empty and made to dwell in nothingness.

new header picture and faeries

I have been reading a lot of faery books lately and I love this picture.

I want to be a feary and leave this horrible world behind!

I am

I am horrible
I am needy
I am insane
I am drugged out right now
I am boiling hot and can't cool down
I am not a nice person
I am a bad friend
I am a doormat
I have no confidence

---

I need my toolkit. My special little self-harm tookit. All I need is a post-it note, the nail file part of a pair of fingernail clippers and a shaver. I won't got into the specifics. I noticed though that when I had this kit, I could have several razors hidden in my bag, wallet and on my person and no one thought about what I was carrying. Though obviously there is a method of how to make them look innocent. I'm not giving out tips and tricks. This just is in my head today on the day I feel worthless.

I dare myself to get through the day, though I'm not sure I can or want to.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

someone said

that I have lost weight and I was so happy but then I looked at them and they were skinnier and I wanted to cry. Please food food go away, please don't come back another day!

My head

My head hurts, not in a pain way but in a so many thoughts that I can't keep round the right way way. I am upside down and inside out and I am about to explode into a big pink mass of goo. I am dizzy. I want valium. I don't want to think. I want to go to the shops and buy a pack of shavers and rip open their tops and pull out the blade. I would then hide them everywhere. I used to do this. I would have them in my purse, in my shoes, anywhere I could hide them. I had a trick of how to hide them so someone looking right at them would never know. I am sad. I am nothing. I am the darkness still. My work world is going to explode next week and I don't know if I will make it. I think of tall buildings, or blades and pills and hurt hurt hurt. I think of A and how much I don't want to hurt him, so I curl up with Harold (my little hippo) and a book so I am so lost that I don't want to find my way out and I control every taste that goes into my mouth. The smaller the better. I have an appointment with a new psychologist next week. I have no idea what I will say. I pray to the gods of all the worlds, to get me through next week. I really don't want to be pink goo, but I am so scared I will be. Oh how I will react and so I will just valium myself to nothing, so I can make it. Work and not talk to anyone, as no one can help me now. I am too far in and sinking fast :o(

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Back to basics

After a horrible weigh in when I came back from my retreat (58) I decided that instead of completely freaking out, I would just go back to basics and back to the meal plan I had that I managed to get my weight down earlier this year after last xmas. I am happy to say that I am now 56.7 and the nunber is coming down each day.

It's also crazy busy at work right now, so I don't get time to pig out on stuff I shouldn't.

Thank you too Mad Bird for pointing me in the direction of that post. I know I left a comment on your blog but I really love your design... jealous. I so have not figured out that part for my blog .

Take care guys and have a good day!