Sunday, January 31, 2010

uncomfortable

I'm sorry about all the posts today. I am uncomfortable with the amount of food I've had. I haven't binged at all but I keep touching my belly and it makes me feel yucky. I am thinking about the agreements I made with Cecily, my psychologist and when I really think about them, I haven't done anything that I was meant to and I feel a little bad about it. I have broken quite a few of the things we agreed on, though in saying that, we didn't say I had to do them now, just that they were our goals. I still think I haven't tried enough. I haven't done enough. I am seeing her on wednesday and I feel like I have gotten nowhere since last friday. I have caught myself reading food labels more than once. I have weighed myself extra times. I have taken laxatives 3 days in a row, but that really is legitamate, I am seriously constipated. I still feel bad though. I have eaten quite a bit of junk today too, which doesn't make me feel any better. Not a huge amount, but enough for me to not like feeling like this. Okay, am going to force myself to read my new book to take my mind off of it. But I have to do one thing. I need to at least read the homework Cecily set for me. I haven't even done that! I know I'm not a failure, but I feel like not trying, won't help me to get any better.

Stay safe special ones
*hugs*







sometimes I want to run away

ooooohhhh this constipation is awful :-(

My belly hurts! I have tried to use a number of different things today, including the horrible microlax, but still not much effect. I am feeling pretty awful at the moment, though it hasn't stopped me from eating. I have tried to keep as busy as possible today and am seriously loving my new book, which I keep mentioning Lonely Werewolf Girl. I am so amazed by this book. It's so different and I really love that it's so original. Other than that I found out my computer has been fixed, yay me! There was a error in my registry files caused by a virus. I knew that when I upgraded to windows 7 part of my security system was not compatible and the other half was. The problem was that I had to turn the virus protector on everyday and I had to manually update it. The guy that fixed it has put a new security system on it and I'm getting it back tomorrow. I can't wait! This horrible computer keeps completely stuffing up. I don't know how many times it has logged me out of blogger and it's seriously annoying.

Food wise I'm doing okay. I have had all my snacks today even, though I really didn't want to eat lunch because of how sore my belly is. Oh well! I know I have been so slack in drinking water of late and have had a lot of caffiene free diet coke and also diet lemon soda. I didn't end up taking any photos today, but will try tomorrow. Andy's mum and dad want to send us on a trip for our wedding present. I would really really love to go to Tasmania. I have always wanted to go there but only one problem, which I'm sure I'll get over, is that I really really don't like planes. I also hate boats as I get seasick. But planes make me so nervous. I really don't like them. I get all panicky and I have to take something to settle me down. We are going to have a think about where we want to go, but it would be good to go somewhere not as hot/humid at here.

Job wise, I have emailed a employment agency with my resume and am hoping to hear from them tomorrow. I am helping Andy in the museum tomorrow, so might take my camera and Ziggy and get some funny photos. Also, I'm sure Inky the octypus would love another photo shoot, lol! Ziggy is in love with her anyway, lol.

Well you gorgeous people, all take care, stay safe, eat your dinner (yes mum, lol)! Oh message to self [drink water instead of drinking all that diet coke, even if it is caffiene free]! It's sad that I'm actually talking to myself.

*hugs*
Sarah :-)

Untitled

I am stunned that there are so many of you following me, yay me, lol! Also thank you so much for commenting. Sorry if I miss anyone out here but I actually have no email but on my blackberry at the moment.

Andy, thank you for saying you'd hire me if you had a business. I had a really good look at the jobs online yesterday and I found 3 that I can apply for that I would like to get. It's funny, I was so happy about getting the job in the school of business at the uni I was working with and then when all that email shit hit the fan, I decided to go back to central administration at the uni. I felt like I needed to have all those things happen for me to realise I don't want to go into the schools or faculties. I worked in central over a year, so am hoping to go back there. I think I mentioned some of this in my last post, but you know when things happen for a reason, you just know you really don't want to do what you thought you wanted to do if that makes sense, lol. Oh and my belly still hurts! It's now been 5 days. Sorry if that's too much info, lol ;-)

Buu, thanks for saying you'd miss me. Well it seems I have found out a way to stay on blogger on Andy's computer. I am hoping though to get mine back today. This computer I am on is crazy. I try and close a window down and it's 20 instead :-/

Sunshine, yes we did name the octypus. Her name ended being Inky and it was Africana who came up with that cute name, thanks again Africana. Now Inky feels like a real octypus, lol.

Naomi, yes job searching and find out you don't have a job is personal and it kind of kicks you in the teeth a bit. I really appreciate all your comments too by the way. Oh, thank you for all the books you  mentioned. I am loving the book I am reading, Lonely Were Wolf Girl by Martin Millar. It is really original. I am surprised but the main character who is a 17 year old were wolf that is running for her life, doesn't eat, doesn't like food and actually takes valium and cuts herself. I did not know about those things when I got the book, but I there is also 1this really cool intrigue about why Kalix (the main character) is being hunted. No vampires yet so far, yay, lol! I haven't read a huge amount but I like what I've read. I love it when you get so sucked into a book that you forget what time it is.

I might go and take some more random photos today. I had a really good breakfast too. I got two slices of low GI burgen bread with pumpkin seeds and I got two poached eggs and put them on the top. Way yummy and way filling. I am going to try really hard to get back to basics with my food. On week days I will have porridge or I can have my low GI bread for toast. This morning I am going to go to my local coffee shop and have a latte and read my book for a bit. I love to do this on saturday and sunday's. I know today is going to be a really great day!

Take special care
*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, January 30, 2010

will post when I can

I finally have Andy's laptop, only problem is it really doesn't like blogger. It keeps opening about 20 pages all after the other and I can't close them down and then I have to control alt delete to get out. It's happened now about 5 times, so I will have to wait until I can get on Andy's desktop computer. I can't do that at night because he is on it and sometimes in the mornings, he is on it before I get up. I may not be able to keep up with your blogs for a few days. I can post from my blackberry and from here but I am so going to miss your blogs :-(

To top it all off, I am really really constipated. I knew from my belly this morning that I was but I haven't had any shift today at all and it hurts so much and feels so uncomfortable. I have taken another two laxatives in the hopes that it will work tomorrow, but it's making me feel awful.

I think I'm going to work on my job applications.

Stay lovely! I will miss you guys so much in the next few days.

*hugs*

the way things are

First of all, I wanted to say thanks to Malibu SkydiverAndy, Naomi, Jen and Africana, who all left comments for me over the last few days, you guys rock. I felt so much better after reading your comments, especially about trying to not give in to what my head is telling me. It is lying I am certain. Well my poor little computer is being repaired and it's possible that it will need to be wiped and everything reloaded. I know! I was right in the middle of looking at jobs too. The good thing is that I am able to use Andy's computer and he is also bringing his laptop home from work for me to use over the weekend, until mine is fixed. I miss it so much!

I have four jobs to apply for, which I am really excited about. I decided that I am going to still try and get work at the uni where I have been for over two years but I will try to go back to central administration instead. There are two jobs in the student centre and there is one for a graduation assistant (I've done this before as a temp and the lady that would be my supervisor, Alicia is very nice). This time I am not going to think I have a job, even if it looks promising. I felt like my heart had been stomped on when I was asked to apply for that job I didn't get, got good indications in the interview and bang, fuck you! I am still angry at the school I worked it for getting into my emails. The thing is, the little fucker that would have looked at them, I absolutely can't stand. His name is Chris and he is a complete and utter fuckwit. Anyway, I better not talk about it or I will get upset again.

I have started reading a new book. For some reason these days I cannot finish a book. I have about 5 half read ones. The problem is that a lot of the books I like, when I read the back they talk about have psychic powers or witchcraft and I do like these, but then they turn into some vampire thing that I wasn't looking for. The book I just started reading is called Lonely Were Wolf Girl by Martin Millar. It's possible that it will have vampires in it, but it's interesting so far.

Does anyone know of any cool books that are about fallen angels or fairies. I have read all the Holly Black fairy books and I have read all of Melissa Marrs books. I am just sick of vampires. Any suggestions anyone? I like supernatural stuff. Oh, I have also read all of Charlaine Harris' books, including the Harper Connelly books. I am fucking bored this afternoon. I can't start my job applications until I get Andy's laptop. This desktop computer has a fucking weird keyboard and I have to keep backspacing. GRRRRRR!

Food wise, I am doing okay. I had porrige for breakfast. I had a coffee and small blueberry scone for morning tea and I had a ceaser salad for lunch. I will have to have another snack soon but I have no idea what. My belly is still bothering me but hey, in a way I can't be fucked worrying about it. I want to focus on jobs. I might go read your blogs.

Stay safe
*hugs*

the plan for today

I am really unhappy with how I feel in my body at the moment. My belly is so huge. I think it's partly that I'm constipated and partly because I haven't been making very good food choices lately. I was trying to think what I could do that wouldn't break any of the rules but also getting my belly down. My old dietitian gave me a meal plan which I still remember, so I am going to go back to that. It means an actual increase in having snacks, as long as they're healthy and cutting down the amount of times I get coffees from caf├ęs. It will mean eating 4 to 5 times a day but having small meals. I think my metabolism is fucked at the moment, so I think this will also kickstart it.

Other than that, get computer fixed; do new resume; go to craft shop to get magazine that has come in and generally do not a hell of a lot.

Hope you're all okay
*hugs*

Friday, January 29, 2010

The Psychologist

Well as you all know, I had my appointment today with Cecily, my new psychologist. We basically went through my goals and set down some things that she wants me to think about and eventually do, when I am feeling strong enough to do so. I didn't get a copy of this list as we ran out of time, but I do remember most of them. Here is what I remember:
- I am only allowed to weigh myself once a day. I can not then get back on the scales any more times to 'check' my weight (I sometimes do this when I am stressed, sometimes up to 10 times a day)
- I have to have all my snacks (sometimes I skip them altogether)
- I am only allowed to take laxitives for the purposes to eliviate side effects of my medication. That means only 2 every second day (I can't take it to lose weight. I am on 3 medications that cause constipation and I have been hospitalised with constipation before, so I have to take them).
- I have to stop recording my weight in an excel spreadsheet (the spreadsheet has been going since Aug 2008. For now she said that she wants me to not record the weights that are on days I shouldn't weigh myself, which is a saturday. If I weigh myself on another day. I am just not allowed to keep track of it any way. I find this a motivation to keep me losing weight).

I actually can't think of any other ones at the moment. I also have homework. When I have a moment where I want to try and make my ED worse, Cecily wants me to think about it and write down what happened. It's actually a whole exercise that I haven't read yet. I will look at it tomorrow. I also have to think about doing some mindfulness in moments when I feel like I want to do something that is unhelpful. There is also a food exercise I will be getting by email but I forgot to give her my email address (unintentionally) honest!

Sarah

Computer error :-(

My computer is chucking a hissy fit and I'm in safe mode at the moment. I had something really weird happen this morning, so I don't know if I can blog or read blogs at the moment. I can quickly say that I didn't get that job and I'm very pissed of with the university I was working for. It looks like my old department got my password for my email re-set and locked me out and read all my emails. I am making a formal complaint about this. I have decided that I'm not sure if I want to work for them again. In a way I am very glad I didn't get that job. I feel like I made the break today. I'm just so so angry right now.

The psychiatrist went fine. The psychologist was good too, though my ED has been so out of control today. I have hardly eaten and but it's not been intentional. I had my doc this morning, then my psychologist then I met Carmen and Jo at lunchtime and I did have small salad. Then I had a massage for my sore shoulder and then I had to travel home but because of a signal fault I was stuck on the train in the city without going anywhere for about 30 mins. Then there was a thunderstorm and it rained and I had to walk home in that. But on the way home I had to get salad for tonight for dinner. Then I rang a temp employment agency and then found out my computer is fucked. Had a shower and now I'm tired.

I will hopefully be able to see all your blog updates (fingers crossed) and I can tell you all in detail what happened with the psych. I like her and I've been very honest, but... I did break one of the things that I said I would try not to do, but I think that was the stress and anger of the email situation. Ugh!

I hate not being able to see your blogs and be able to comment. You guys are all amazing and you help me to stay strong. I have all your comments that I got on my blackberry today. Thank you and look at you all, you're multiplying like crazy. Am I really that interesting?

*hugs*

P.S. If I can't see your blogs tonight don't worry, I will catch up or try and see them in safe mode.

today is the day

My psychiatrist appointment is at 9am this morning and my pscyhologist appointment is at 11am. I'm feeling okay at the moment, but I am sure I will be shitting myself when the 11am appointment comes round. I do believe though that Dr M is also going to give me a hard time when I see him. I am a little worried about Cecily as I think she will want me to do a food diary. She doesn't realise though that as soon as I do that, I will start counting. So I will have to say no. I am also having lunch with my two friends from my old work, Carmen and Jo (see now I can say their names).

Anyway, I will go for now and I will let you all know how it all went later on this afternoon. It is only 6:45am, so that will be a little while yet.

*hugs*

and the winner is... drum roll please

Well with all the really cool names you guys came up with, it was actually quite hard to pick one. Andy really liked them. Of course we only wanted the octypus to have one name. The winner is, da da da, Africana with Inky. So now we have a name for her, I think she is going to feel much better about herself ;-)

Thanks guys

There are indeed two Andy's

Sorry if I have confused you guys. But yes, to answer your question K, there are two Andy's. There is my Andy who I am getting married to and he is an amazing guy who is just as crazy as I am and there is Andy who I liked from my blog last night, who is fighting with her ED just like I am and she is doing an amazing job.

Hope that helps ;-)

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Ziggy's awesome day ;-P

I feel like now that I have been all over the place emotion wise today, that I would post some funny photos taken at Andy's work. This time I wasn't there and he actually took these photos. Even our, yet unnamed octypus is in them. I have to write all the names you guys gave to me and let you know what he decides on. I will write them down tomorrow as I'm too fucking tired tonight.


Helping with labelling stuff, though he probably labelled himself more (hey I do that to myself too, lol)!



 Bubble wrap is so much fun!



 He seriously loves stickers too!

 

 A photo with the yet unnamed octypus!



 The view is amazing :-)

Okay, so I am a little weird. At least stuff like this makes me smile, which is really sad at my age, lol. And there are no photos of Harold here, my little Hippo. At least these little guys aren't mean to me and they don't stare at me and they don't judge me and I don't feel fat in front of them (well that's a lie, I feel fat everywhere ). But seriously, if you don't ever have anything to smile about, it's horrible. I was like that for years and years and I decided that I need to laugh and smile and joke around. When I don't, then you know something is really really wrong. Worse still if I stop talking. I hope you all have an okay night/day. 

*hugs*

P.S. A special note for Andy, you can seriously do it hun. I know you can. I will probably be asleep when you find this note but I'm just letting you know I'm thinking of you in advance - Sarah

Okay, new plan

Thanks Andy for your encouragement, I know I have to fight but it's just so fucking hard and tiring. I ended up in the shops looking at books, with every intention of buying a calorie counting book, but I didn't! I found this little book about low GI foods and it's a shopping guide. I remember Jayne saying about low GI and I have done some research on it too lately. So I bought the book and it's really good. Now I am just going to try to have low GI stuff to keep me fuller for longer. The book I got is called The Low GI Shoppers Guide to GI Values: Australia and New Zealand. I am going to read it over the next few days and see how I go. It seems like a really good little book though and I'm hoping that I can lessen my food intake but not by cutting everything out but by making better choices. I got the Burgen bread the other day with pumpkin seeds and I have found already that it keeps me fuller but I have been having trouble finding something to put on it. I am going to try it with a pouched egg tomorrow and see how long that keeps me full. I have also been having oatmeal for breakfast as well and it does work, though I have been eating because I am anxious over this week.

Okay, so I will see how I go with psychologist tomorrow. I am really not looking forward to it.

*hugs*

Forgive me Ana

I am not ready to give this up. I hate my fucking belly and my thighs! Ihave been secretly weighing myself and so wishing I was smaller. I don't think it's possible to stop this. It's too fucking hard and I just can't :-(

Forgive me Ana but I am back! I am sorry if I have disappointed you all :-(

I don't think I got the job

I think I would have heard by now if I had gotten it. In a way I'm really bummed. I so hoped I would finally get a permanent job, but I guess I'm just going to have to keep trying! I contacted the temp coordinator and am waiting for her to call me back. I will take a shorter contract if it means I am at least employed.

Andy and I booked our wedding and it will be on March 12 at 2:45pm :-)

I will post more when I get home.
*hugs*

the things that stress can do

I think I said that all these physical symptoms I am getting, could be stress. Well I think that's what's happening to me. Poor me, lol! I now have vertigo. I have had this before and still have the great medication my doctor prescribed. Last time I had it, I was getting motion sick just walking around. Luckily I am hoping this will all go away at the end of this week.

Just wanted to say, thanks for all the cool octypus names so far. I really like them. You still have time, another 13 1/2 hours ;-)

*hugs*

P.S. waving to all my followers over there on the right, thank you for reading my nutty little thoughts ;-P


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I think i'm getting sick

Andy has had a horrible summer head cold for the last five days. I haven't been feeling the best today but put it down to stress. Now I'm not so sure. I'm shaky, mainly in my hands, have a headache, feel sick and my nose is a bit runny. This could all very well be stress too! So I'm in bed at just after 8pm, blogging with my blackberry.

Tomorrow I hope I feel better. I have decided to have fun tomorrow! I am going to take Ziggy, my little crazy plush lion and my camera and take crazy photos. It will be silly crazy and will make me laugh and be creative too! Looking at Ziggy with his crazy pink headband and rock star hair, makes me smile. I posted a pic of part of Ziggy late last week in 10 random photos. I think he was last.

Keep your fingers crossed I'm not sick! I'm the biggest sook when I am. Oh, if you're interested in having a go at naming the octypus (last post), I'm extending to a 24 hour comp :-)

Okay, need sleep!
*hugs*

Your mission, if you choose to accept it ;-)

I know not everybody likes stuff like this, so sorry if I offend anyone.

Andy has given us a mission. He wants a name for the cute octypus in my last post. This is a blue-ringed octypus and it is a she. So... lets think of something really cool. Bear in mind how deadly these little critters can be.

So here is the mission if you wish to accept it. Andy is the curator of a museum. Come up with a name for the octypus that is on Andy's table in his office and tell me how you came up with the name or what it means to you. He will then pick the name he likes the most and I will let you all know. Also if you all like the same name or a lot of you, let me know and I will tell him that. 

Andy and I were looking at the little octypus today. I think she is very cool and I spent ages just looking at her. She is amazing. I usually hate seeing creatures like this in tanks but since this is a museum, there were worse things, trust me!!!!!!

I will give Andy the names tomorrow morning. It's now nearly 6:30pm, so 12 hours from now.I'll post her pic again.



Sarah :-)

[edit] I love the names so far! It's now just after 5am and we have extended the time until 6:30pm tonight, so another 13 1/2 hours to go. You guys rock!

still haven't heard

Well in the end this morning I just had to get out. I had this horrible racing heart and I just ran upstairs and grabbed my bag and went to Andy's work. He is setting up the museum at the moment and now that they almost unwrapped everything, I was basically stuffing bubble wrap into massive plastic bags. The bags when full came up to my mid thigh. I have never seen bags so huge. I also has this huge mountain of bubble wrap and I took some pics :-)


 This was one of my mountains of bubble wrap. Those display units were up to my shoulder, so this bubble wrap was enourmous.



 Thigh high bags and I filled 7 and a half of them. It was hot work but it felt good to burn off some nervous energy.



 This is an octypus sitting on Andy's table, cool huh! You can actually see little tiny eggs behind her in a little closed of section.

Anyway, as for the job, I was starting to freak out that I had no chance, but I had to ring work to find out something about a letter they sent me from HR and it turns out all their phone lines are down. I got cut off four times before I finally got through. So I am thinking that could be why I haven't heard anything. This was happening internally as well as for external lines that were coming through. I know when I spoke to HR the third time, they said it had been happening all afternoon. Half the calls were working and half weren't. So I do feel a little better and I haven't completely lost hope, though I'm certainly not feeling as comfortable about the whole thing. I am giving it until friday and if I haven't heard by then, I will assume I haven't gotten the job.

Thanks too ladies for all the comments today. I think tomorrow I will be posting all day as I have to go into the city and I will be alone most of the day. Andy and I have an appointment to talk to births, deaths and marriages about our wedding in the morning, so I will look forward to that but then it will be just me, my laptop and boredom most likely! More later most likely ;-)

*hugs*

Emotions

I am so glad I can make these small wins and I know that all these anxiety provocting feelings are just anxiety that seems to be leaking out everywhere. Africana, what you said has made me think about how I'm going today, I read your comment and I'm like, fuck, I'm not being honest today. I was in the process of my second weigh-in this morning and I had started to figure out my calories for today. I deleted all the calories I had worked out and luckily I don't remember the numbers anymore and I again had to say to myself stop and think about what I was doing and why. I made myself leave the house and go and have a iced coffee. On the way I said to myself, you are going to put those scales away and you are not going to work out anymore calories. I guess I'm going to have to do this for the next few days, just stopping and thinking if what I am doing is really the right thing. Then I read your comments R and Andy and I am really drawing strength from your comments. I know I can get through to Friday and I will just have to keep stopping to check I'm on track.

Please bear with me today, I may end up making a lot of posts! I promise to have some positives too ;-)

*hugs*

not a great night

I had nightmares last night. One time I woke up and the light was shining on Andy's eyes and it looked really freaky. I had to wake him up so he would move. I did get back to sleep but the rest of the night wasn't much better. I think I'm just anxious about all the things that are going to happen over the next few days. I hope this isn't an indication of how those days are going to be. To make matters worse, I feel huge today. I really really hate feeling like that. It makes me feel so useless. When I feel like this I am super in control with my ED so at least I feel control but I know I can't do that when I trying not to do that. I have no idea what today will bring. I am trying to see the positive, but Andy also goes back to work today, so I wouldn't be surprised if I feel a bit lost today!

[edit] okay so feeling a little better. I am just going to have to keep really busy today and try to think positive :-)

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

a small win

This afternoon I decided I wanted to get a calorie counting book. I know that my local kmart have them and so I got dressed and put on my shoes and told Andy I would be back soon, but didn't say why. I walked out and crossed the road and then forced myself to stop and stand still. I thought to myself, why do you want that? It will only make you even more obsessive that you already are. So, with effort, I turned around and I said to myself no, you can't have that. You need to not count, you know that makes you worse. I didn't buy it, I managed to turn around and go home and do something else. This may seem insignificant, but it means that at least I'm am winning sometimes and that's cool, I'm glad about that. Now I just need to make it till friday and I will :-)

have i crossed the line?

It's funny you know. I am sitting here thinking about all the things that I've said about how I really want to get rid of this ED and get better and I really really do! Can you hear the but? Yes, there is a but. I am thinking I'm doing so well and then I realised that yesterday I took 3 laxies and I normally only take 2 and it felt good to feel all that stuff (gross I know) come out today. I am trying to not look at this as a negative but that I was able to see that I've done this and that I can turn around at any time and just not do it.

Part of me and my patterns is that when I do decide to change, it gets worse before it gets better, but in saying that I don't want to make excuses for myself. I shouldn't have taken 3. In a way I am at a loss and I think I'm going to feel like this until I see the psychologist. I wouldn't be surprised if things get a little out of control over the next few days. Fear does that to you. I still don't know what I am going to say to her. It feels like such a long time since I've seen her and I also have to see my psychiatrist on that day too. I think it's going to be a stressful day. At least by then I will know what is happening with that job and I do believe that will make all the difference. If I find out tomorrow that I have gotten the job, this dealing with the friday appointments is going to be a lot easier, as I will be feeling good already. If I don't get the job, I guess I could take an even further nose dive, though I really don't want to do that.

I don't want to slip up with this, but it's so tempting. It really is. I wish this was easier. I can do it, it is just
scaring me to death. I was going to say shitless and then realised how close to the truth that was, lol.
So do you think anyone would notice if I went and hid for the next few days, like Ziggy is here. It is so tempting. I could hide under the covers, with a book and have Andy bring me some yummy, low cal foods and then I can come out when I feel like it. Only problem is it's way too hot to hide under the covers. I guess I will just have to keep busy. I could count random things to keep me occupied. Or I could arrange the cans in the food cupboard in alphabetical order. Hmm, that could look strange and might buy me a one way ticket into a padded room with white walls, lol!

I hate waiting! I'm just really not that good at it! Can you tell :-P

call me strange

Wow, look at you all mulitplying there, 45! Hello to you all and thank you for commenting :-)

Okay, I'm seriously weirded out right now! Now please don't think I'm being un-patriotic by saying this, but the extra amount of Australian flags that are around (even the cute ones in the bikini) are really freaking me out. I was just over at the local shops and everyone is wearing the flag. I don't dislike the flag, I really like it, but with everyone wearing it this year for Australia day has me feeling feeling ominous today. There are so many people in my area that have a flag on each side of their car windows and every time I see another one, it's like I want to go hide somewhere. I know this is really strange behaviour, what a shock coming from me, lol, but I don't know, it just feels really strange. I don't think I've ever seen this many flags, except on ANZAC day and then I often have one too. I finally got up the guts to tell Andy how I am feeling about it all and he is feeling the same way. Hmmm, I might just leave this one alone for now.

Food wise, doing okay, though I feel like my poor body has had too much of course. I haven't binged or anything but I just feel like being at home lately I have been eating more than usual. I don't really like it or feel comfortable with it, but that's okay. I just have to keep telling myself it's alright! At least I'm not feeling out of control yet! Notice I said yet!!!!

Not looking forward to lunch, hot dogs! At least we are making our own, so I can dictate what I have on mine. I really hate sausages though because they are so fatty. Plus there is going to be cheese. I love cheese but I hate cheese too, so there, fuck you cheese and double fuck you sausages!!!!!! Okay, getting carried away here. Need to go take my mind off of this!
*hugs*

Monday, January 25, 2010

frustration

Wow, look at you all over there, 39 of you, thank you all for following and for commenting! I think you are all amazing! I love reading your blogs too :-)

I was so hoping to hear about the job today as to whether I have it or not. I spoke to Carla, who did the job for four years and she said that from my experience she is pretty sure I will have it. She also said that if I do get it, she will come to my new office and show me where all the stuff is that she did, just so I know exactly what to do. I already know the main part of it inside out and back to front, the timetabling. I have been doing timetabling at this uni for 1 and a half years now and that is the main part of the job. The good thing is that when I worked in the main timetabling area that did timetabline changes for the whole uni, I used to do Carla's changes. My old boss, Yvette, who is the timetabline coordinator for the whole of the uni, is the one that has recommended me. I don't want to get my hopes up, just in case, but in a way I think I have really good chance. It's driving me nuts not knowing, but I only had the interview on friday I'm so impatient! They did say I would know by early this week, but I think they forgot that it's a public holiday in Australia tomorrow for Australia Day. I will most likely not know anything till wednesday! Oh well, I will just have to wait won't I!

*hugs*

uh oh, there's a hippo in my pants


He he! That just popped into my head and I thought that sounded funny, so I couldn't resist! But anyways, my scale is annoying me. One day it says 56.0 and the next day it says 56.6. I think it's because of the fact that I take laxies [I usually only take them because my tablets clog me up] and I think every second day I've had them and then I get it all out, hence the lighter weight. Oh well, I guess I'm sort of okay with this :-/

Sorry about the way depression too deep post last night. I was in a weird headspace. I have woken up fine though and I am determined to have a good day. I'm thinking of going to the movies but I'm not sure. I'm also thinking of getting a massage. My back and arms have been sore lately. I can't decide on the movie either, any suggestions?

[edit] I am in a very silly mood today! I fear this is going to be a very long day. Andy just laughed at me and said I'm insane! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH be warned and run while you still can ;-P

[edit edit] well you can tell I have too much time on my hands. I just looked at for January I have 76 posts. I guess that's what happens when you're not working or doing other things :-/

[edit edit edit] sorry couldn't resist!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

uncomfortable feeling - ugh crappy post

I'm not depressed but kind of have this weird uncomfortable feeling inside and even though I know why, I know I have to ingore it. After skipping from blog to blog this afternoon, without really looking for anything inparticular, I found a blog that made me feel really awful. This person is not doing well, she has anorexia and is suffering so badly every day. It wasn't really the fact that she is suffering every day, but it was that she isn't getting better, though she wants to. I started to think about my psychologist and I wonder if she will really help, I mean really really help. She doesn't have any experience in eating disorders that I know of, but understands how it all works.

My psychiatrist said to me that it's not about what she currently knows but how we work together. I agree to some extent, but I guess I'm psyching myself out before I even try. I should be used to myself doing that. I do it all the time. See then I don't ever really have to face the problems, because I run away from them. I have done this over and over during the last 4 and a half years with this issue. The last psychologist I had fucked herself up in the first session and I didn't trust her. I told her how I could go past any food when I was really determined and not eat it, control it. She was overweight and she joked that she wish she could do that too and lose some weight and I was like, well what the fuck am I doing here if she just wants weight loss tips. I went back twice and then quit.

I didn't realise why until I started to see Cecily, my new psychologist. I told her about what the old psych said and I told her how that made me feel, at least she knows. I find it so hard to trust! So so hard to trust. I feel all churned up inside. Not sad or depressed, just really uncomfortable. It's not a nice feeling. Maybe I should print this post and show her. I have no idea how to trust. I don't know where to go from here. I'm kinda scared shittless in a way. I mean, what if she helps. That scares me as much as letting my guard down. If I let my guard down and I let her in and then what if I don't get better? I guess that's it isn't it, if I try really really hard and I do all the things that I'm meant to do and I don't get anywhere but with this fucking eating disorder forever. I may never ever be free. I may have this when I'm 50. I don't want that life. I don't want to be restricting and bingeing when I'm 50 years old. I want to be happy and free and live a life that I'm proud of. But what if I can't. What if I just can't. I don't want to be like this forever!

10 weird ED things I want to work on

Well I thought I would start my weird list. Part of the reason I am doing this is because these things are on my list of things I want to deal with with my new psychologist. I am now seeing her on friday and I think I am going mention these things too.

1. I can't eat after 7:30pm. If it looks like it's getting close, I will start eating really really fast to get there. I can cope if it's one or two minutes past, but start getting really stressed out if its after four past, okay weirdo!

2. I can only have a cup of any breakfast cereal. If it's more, I will pick bits out until I know it is exactly a cup.

3. I cannot at all handle even a dribble of full fat milk. When I was at my old job and the uni refectories closed down over xmas and we ran out of low fat milk, I didn't have a cup of tea for over four days because I could not handle full fat milk. Not even diluted.

4. I can't handle sugar at all. I hate it. I hate the taste and I will not have any of it. I only have artificial stuff. I have heard it's really bad for you too, but I will have like 4 of them in my coffee so it's actually really sweet.

5. I have to have 2 laxitives every thursday. I know this is really stupid, but I weigh myself on saturdays (unless I am really bad and I sneak one in, which I am really trying to stop and so far have been successful over the last few days) but I have to have an empty bowel on saturday mornings.

6. I can't have pizza, spag bol or garlic bread on friday nights, but I'll have it on thursday nights. It's that stupid saturday weigh-in again, though I can have banana break and coffee on a saturday morning after weigh-in, but also not a friday morning :-/

7. When I weigh myself, I have to have an empty bladder, be in my undies only, have the scales in a particular spot only, press the scales to make sure they are not moving around and have had nothing in my stomach. I can't even take my tablets or have water before this. I WANT TO BREAK THIS ONE COMPLETELY!

8. Butter is evil.

9. I can't handle sausages, they scare me!

10. My goal weight keeps dropping, but then it comes up again. I sway between relapsing and recovery, but really really really really really really want to get better :-)

*hugs*


boring post

Andy is still sick, but is getting better, thankfully. It's sort of been a pretty fun day and he is so good to me. I went over to my favourite craft shop and when I walked in Jo said that she had a surprise for me. Andy had paid the membership fee for me to be a gold club member, he is just amazing. I love him so much! I was so surprised. Though now all the, you should go to the shop comments yesterday now make sense :-P  I was so lazy yesterday that I fell asleep. The really sad thing though is that I can't seem to watch a movie lately without falling asleep. I fell asleep right at the end of Ice Age 3, luckily though only for 2 minutes before Andy woke me up.

I don't have much to report. I haven't really done anything. I have really only be sort of thinking about that job and hoping I get it. I've also been eating okay. Not overeating and not undereating. Just eating! No bingeing either, yay me and I didn't weight myself! Anyway, boring day, boring post!

*hugs*


Saturday, January 23, 2010

untitled

Don't you hate it when you eat when you're not hungry. There's no reason for it, just that you find yourself put things in your mouth that you don't need. I don't know how many times today I've done this. I can feel my belly, ugh! This morning it felt so flat and now, it's not. I'm not really angry or anything because I haven't gone way overboard. It's just more annoying than anything. It's so hot here today too. Nowhere is cool enough, but then I go in air conditioning and I get too cold. I wish it were 5 degrees cooler and not humid, I hate humid. I have no motivation at the moment either to do anything. I would love to go downstairs and just muck around and accomplish something really creative, but I just can't think of what to make. I do need to make a card for Yvette, my old boss, for running around everywhere and telling everyone how I'm really good at timetabling (I basically timetable classes for the university I worked for). So anyone that needs a timetable coordinator, ends up with Yvette telling them how good I am at it! She is pretty amazing but I still have no ideas for a card for her. My brain just ain't working. Maybe I should just lay around like a big slob and hope tomorrow is cooler :-P

tired today

Andy has a cough and pretty much woke me up on the hour every hour last night having a coughing fit. I didn't really say anything because I know that if I told him he kept me awake, he would get up as soon as he started coughing and end up getting no sleep. I am okay though.

I weighed in at 56.0 and am really okay with that. Yesterday was a good food day. I am going to take the comments on board that you all gave me regarding breakfast and I'm going to change my bread too.

Might write more later when I'm awake more. Off to read you amazing blogs.

*hugs*

Friday, January 22, 2010

uh oh

Well I took my lithium about an hour ago and two laxatives. In the past sometimes lithium gives me diarrheoa or constipation but each new time I take it I don't know which I'll get, if any. My hands are shaking and I can feel my belly clenching. I think I know which one I'm gonna get. Ugh! This sort of sucks. I hate it when my hands shake. I am supposed to have my friend Louise over tomorrow. Andy has been pushing me not to isolate myself. I don't know her well and have been trying to make new friends. Good thing though is she's a nurse, so if I had to cancel due to diarrheoa, I know she'd understand. Not feeling to good, so gonna try to sleep.
*hugs*

happy

I had my interview and I think it went well. I will find out early next week. I am actually really excited now! I think I have a very good chance as I believe I am the only applicant with both timetabling and course rules changes experience and the person that used to have the job knows me and told me I would be perfect!!!! I got a good feeling anyway. I'm just going to see what happens. I won't get too excited just in case and if I don't get it, it means it wasn't meant to be. But it would be so good to be permenant for once!

Wow, look at you all, 34 of you! Am I really that exciting, lol! I am off to read all your blogs and comment now.

*hugs*

[edit] I'm actually happy at post 200, yay me :-P

Great comments about breakfast

Hi Guys
Wow, really cool comments about breakfast. I have had oatmeal before lots of times and I agree it does fill you up and I like it, which is good :-)  You are all awesome!!!! You're welcome K!

God I'm so tired. Not having a great morning so far. I have only been up for 25 mins and I've managed to really piss myself off. Nothing ED related funnily enough. I am a little obsessive with my pills, as in the order I take them. My contraceptive pill is probably the worst of all these. I have the pattern in which I take them out of the packet and I like starting/ending in a certain place. Well, I had previous pulled out the wrong tablet when I started them and instead of taking it, because it was the wrong day, I put tape over the back of it and put it back and took the right one (yes, crazy I know). Anyway, I'm stumbling around this morning half asleep and when I go to take the tablet my hand slipped and I flicked the packet... tablet no where to be seen, FUCK! It is tiny to begin with and I can't find the little sucker anywhere. Cranky! I have to get a new packet out and take that one, but it means my starting/ending point is different. I know that sounds so dumb but it's a weird OCD-like thing that really bothers me. I go down stairs and drop stuff and I'm luck fuck, I have my job interview today. I haven't research because yesterday I couldn't concentrate and now I feel shitty and have to do all that research this morning :-(

Anyways, will read your blogs a little later, if I don't research I will feel awful.

*hugs*

Thursday, January 21, 2010

breakfast question for you all

Jayne has suggested to always eat breakfast and I totally agree but I am finding that I get hungry really fast afterwards. Does anyone have a suggestion of a breakfast that will really fill me up but also is low cal?

I have been having a english muffin with peanut butter but it doesn't seem to fill me for long. Or I have a cup of just right cereal and low fat milk but it also doesn't fill me for long. I have been finding I am also then getting a cafe latte skim coffee about an hour later.

Any suggestions?

[EDIT: be interested to see if any of you on a different time zone to me, can give me even more answers to this. I am really interested to see what you come up with. Plus, the funny thing is, since I used to be obsessed with my calorie counter, I think I always picked the wrong foods anyway. I just used to make sure everything was low cal and that's it. I know a lot of foods by how many cals and fat they have, but not what is good for me and what will keep me from getting hungry quickly.]

[EDIT EDIT: does anyone know of a really good book that goes into this stuff or a really good website where I can really learn some of this stuff. I think this kind of thing is the key. If we can try and eat stuff that isn't going to make us put on weight but will also fill us up and be really healthy, we would have some of the issues we do. You know the whole moderation crap. In a way I do agree with it because I do allow myself to have a mini milky way a day, although I know they're bad. I find it I don't let myself have one, I will crave chocolate but when I do have one, I can go through the day (most of the time) and not want more chocolate. I did say most of the time :-P ]

This could be way too much information and gross

Thank you all today for your comments. I did get all of them Jayne too so don't worry and thank you. You're also welcome regarding my comments on your blog! I love your blog. I love all of your blogs :-)

Warning ***If you don't want to be disgusted, don't read on***

Well today I've been a little all over the place. I started with a 56.6 but as I sit here typing this, I am now 55.9. This is actually probably one of the grossest things I've done. I took some laxies last night. I don't over-do it with them, but with the amount of medication I'm on, I get clogged up! Well. I was sitting at my laptop researching for the interview tomorrow and I just knew that I needed to go, like, right now!!!!! So I race into the bathroom and all is well. I must have got rid of half of yesterdays food too.

But... I was sitting there and my phone is sitting on the sink as it's recharging. My bathroom is very small and the plug to recharge is easy to get to in there, but right then the phone rings. I think, well I'm sitting here, I could answer it or I could ignore it and ring the person back. But I just know it's my psychologist. So I answer it. I'm thinking that this was kind of a fucked up thing to do and I've never done that before. I figured she was just wanting to change my appointment, which she was but then she asked about the interview and I told her a bit about it. I probably only spoke to her for a few minutes but it felt really weird and I don't know that I would do that again. I will never tell her about that moment. At least I managed to stop what I was doing while she talked and just sat there. See I told you it was gross. Sometimes I even disgust myself!

Okay, off to take my printed out research to the coffee shop and sit and read it all.

I'll be back later to read all your updates on your blogs!

*hugs*

okay, so I had little meltdown

Today has not been smooth sailing so far. I'm okay though. I still feel enourmous but I think it more has to do with what I was wearing at the time and it's so damn hot today, nearly 33 degrees and very very humid. Ugh! I think most people would feel disgusting in this heat. I'm trying to tell myself that it's all okay. I guess you get days like these and you just have to deal with it.

Thanks for the comments too. Yes, I will try and keep in mind that I'm not disgusting and I will also have to keep in mind that the Olsen twins are air brushed. At least that makes me feel better, he he he!

This time in 24 hours I will have just finished my interview :-/

[edit]
Okay, so I'm still sort of melting down. I hate this feeling of out of control. I hate out of control. I guess that's in a way why I have had the ED so long. Even though it's false, I like that I feel like I am controlling something!

fuck you surrounding mirrors

I just saw muyself undressed in surrounding mirrors while trying on shirts for the job interview. I am disgusting! FUCK!

how can two girls be this gorgeous



It's not just that they are thin, it's also that they have the most beautiful faces and hair.

10 random photos

I grabbed my camera this morning and I just started snapping photos of anything and everything. I thought it would be fun to put up 10 pictures of things around me, for no particular reason.

 
 This is actually what it is like outside today, nice and sunny, but probably going to get hot!



The book I am reading right now! I like it :-)



A pretty flower outside my door. I've wanted to take a picture of these for ages but just never got around to it.



My cat bag, my backpack and my wallet. What does your wallet say about you ;-)



Drugs, the bane of my life but also my saviour unfortunately :-/



My townhouse number. I like the angle of this.



Yes, I love my books.



 the magazine I am reading right now.



the cost of a wedding.



Ziggy, he's so cute ;-P

Can you tell I'm bored :-)

fucking up

Wow, there are 29 of you ---> thank you for reading my boring as batshit posts ;-)

Okay, so I weighed myself. Big mistake, ugh! I am 600 grams fatter than two days ago. I can't believe that that bothers me so much as 600 grams is nothing. Plus... I have to buy a new business shirt today for my interview tomorrow. I hate clothes shopping when I feel fat, ugh! I guess the good thing is that it won't be too small for me later. So, what I'm thinking is this. It may sound odd but I still need to keep my weight in check. The reason being is that otherwise I will crash with all of this and I really don't want to do that. I'm will probably eat less today, but I will eat breakfast (already have), lunch and dinner with 2 small snacks. So I've fucked up a bit, I'm going to say 'so what', because you do that but it's the getting back up that helps!


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Good one idiot

Well I'm doing so well and what do I do? Take laxatives because otherwise I will get fat! Hmmm! I am not super mad because I know things don't just change overnight. I guess I should have thought more about it. I worry so much if I don't take them that I will get all clogged up! I was feeling my belly and it was a little rounded and basically you know the rest ! I'm going to sleep before I can do any more damage!

dodging bullets

Wow, 26 followers! You guys are amazing. I feel so happy that I have you all and that your comments are helping me so much. 

What a day! I have made some progress, though have had a few struggles and I have some good news. I'll tell you the good news first. I have a job interview on Friday for a permanent job at the uni I was working at and it's level 5, one level higher than what I was doing! Yay me! It's at 12:15pm and I'm really looking forward to it. I kind of had a very strong feeling about this job that I would at least get an interview. I am staying positive and tomorrow I am going to research the school I would be working for.

I am proud of how I coped today. I started the lithium last night and I have no anxiety today at all! I feel very calm and in control and that feels amazing. I think it is a combination of getting the stuff out that I told my psychiatrist yesterday and taking the medication. The first bullet was not weighing myself. I woke up and of course it's the first thing I think of. I break the ritual by taking my tablets first. Since my ritual is very strict, just doing that broke it. I think it was easier today because I have gotten some yucky stuff off my chest. I think however that I over the next few days, it may not be quite so easy. I am already nervous about what I weight and I had to fight the urge about again about 30 minutes ago when I was about to have a shower. But I've been shopping today with my mum and I am tired so in a way I was too lazy to do that, sad but true!

The second bullet came later on today. My mum and I were in Borders and I found two books that I really wanted but know it would really fuck me up. Wasted and Thin. I have never read Thin before and it was very tempting. I made myself pick another book The Crowded Shadows instead from the young adult section. I nearly ran back to those books about 3 times but I forced myself to walk out of the book shop and not get them. I also nearly missed my afternoon snack. I did the coffee thing too strong as I know it makes me feel sick. I didn't want to eat then because of feeling sick but forced myself to have a banana about 40 mins ago.

I'm so tired today and my mouth is dry from the lithium, hate that! I feel good though and so happy the anxiety has gone away to some extent. It just feels so much better. I have also planned out tomorrow. I am going into the city tomorrow to buy a new shirt for my job interview. Then I am going to book our wedding. Then I am going to come home and research the place I will have the job interview for. Lots to do and lots to think about. I also kind of patched things up with my dad today. It is his 60th birthday today and I rang him and told him that I was sorry that I have been pushing him away for the last year and I hoped we could sort of fix things up. I felt so much better after that too.

I am trying to tell myself that this is really just the start. That although I have made some progress in the last 24 hours, I still have to face the very scary task of trying to deal with some of the things that make my ED so big. Breaking the rituals is going to be horrible and I'm certainly not looking forward to it.

I am now off to read your blogs and comment and I hope you all are okay!

*hugs*


Tuesday, January 19, 2010

what a day

Well I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today. I got really anxious this morning wanting to know what he was going to do with my medication. I tried to get an appointment but he was booked out and he wouldn't give me a script without seeing him. I like ran, literally, to the train and I sat downstairs outside his building feeling so desparate and scared. I got a call at about 11am to say he had had a cancellation at 3:30pm, so releaved about that. I met my friend and told her how I really really wanted to try and make the appointment with the psychologist work and man, was I anxious and scared. I walked into Dr M's office at 3:00pm, I was shaking and stuff and started to feel sick. Went to the bathroom and threw up twice, though I wasn't trying. I guess my anxiety got to me and I'm thinking, what the fuck is wrong with me. I have known him for 13 years, I had never thrown up before an appointment before.

I get in there and I'm bawling my eyes out and all this shit starts pouring out of my mouth about how I don't know how to stop it, can't do this anymore but really want to do something to help, anything. Then all this other stuff about my family and me, about how I don't like myself much starts coming out. How I'm scared Andy will suddenly decide I'm not good enough for him and leave me. I love him so much (god, I even said his name)! I can't stop crying and I'm shaking. I have been avoiding this conversation with Dr M for over a year now. Cancelling appointments at the last minute. Telling him stuff, but not the whole thing. It felt so fucking good to get it out AND I'm back on lithium... not sure how I feel about that. He is concerned, with good reason from past experience, of me getting manic on anti-depressants. I'm not a great fan of lithium but I must admit it has helped a lot before and it usually works fast too with me.

I have made the decision about the psychologist too. I think that is why today was so hard. I have chosen to seriously try and deal with all this stuff that rambles around in my head that I am too scared to say. It needs to be actually said. There is one thing I have noticed with me. I have low self esteem. I don't like myself much. My ED is often not about food. That is part of it, but it usually is about all the other things I cannot control. Not that I control food very well. I restrict, then binge, then feel bad and restrict again. Since I don't purge, it stays inside and I put on weight and then the whole thing starts again. I build this wall around myself. Trying desparately not to deal with the real issues. God forbid I said out loud what is rattling around inside. No one would like me. It scares the shit out of me.

I fear this process is going to be extremely hard and man, I am not looking forward to it. Wading through the shit I have tucked away in some corner of my mind and have half forgotten about. I can say my issue is my ED but it's so much more. FUCK! I am so scared right now. I can't believe I threw up twice before having to admit some of this. God. I might even get skinny telling the truth - kidding! I don't know what will happen. Or how I will cope. Or what I will do or say. I have no idea what is going to happen. I am sure I will fall down over and over, though I want to try. I have to. I think my life depends on it. Okay, well that was a little dramatic, though maybe not.

I told Andy about the secret weigh-ins. I also told him I was terrified of losing him. That made me cry again! I don't wanna hide anymore. Fuck! Can I do this? Can I really? What would that mean for me? I have no idea and I have never been more scared of anything in my whole life.

I have to face Ana, for real!

hope


10 Goals for my new psychologist

Well yesterday during therapy session 2 with my new psychologist Cecily, I was asked to think of goals for what I wanted to achieve with her. Sad but true, I feel like I need a disclaimer that says, these goals may change at any time without notice :-/

These goals are in no particular order, just as I thought of them.

1. to break my ED rituals
2. to not 'dump' the new psych after 3 months (this is normal for me)
3. to gain a healthy outlook on food
4. to get rid of or learn to cope with anxiety
5. to believe in myself more
6. to really commit to 'recovery' rather than saying I will with empty words
7. to be honest and not tell the psych what I think she wants to hear
8. to not gain weight in the process of recovery :-/
9. to gain a better self esteem
10. learn new techniques for coping rather than taking (prescription) drugs

We'll see how I go with this. I would like to think that maybe this time I can do this. I'm not sure though. There are already these thoughts in my head about how I could change this and not change that. You know, the negative self talk that is already there.

a positive post to start with

Thank you all for your comments, they really do help heaps. It's good to know that the struggles I go through day in day out, are understood by you all.

Okay, firstly, now this pic has not come out as well as I would hope, but here it is anyway. This is the pic of my wedding invite. The photo on the front of the rings is actually one of my photos and they are actually our rings *does a little happy dance*!



The lettering is actually silver glittery stickers. Funny thing though is that I wasn't thinking and was going to put 'Your Invited'. When I realised my error, I was annoyed because each sticker sheet only had one small e on it. I had to go on a hunt yesterday to find another set of these somewhere other than where I bought them as I had bought the last of them from there. I did find some actually and am happy as I love this design. The other problem with this pic is that this looks more wobbly than the original, I'm not sure why :-/

Okay, off to read you blogs! I will write about how I'm going with decision making on recovery a little later. I'm still thinking thinking thinking.

*hugs* xxx

Monday, January 18, 2010

tomorrow

I have this constant fight with myself. Yes I want to have this ED, no I don't want an ED ever get it away from me. It's the yes and no all at once all the time. I get so sick of this fight. I am thinking here of what I really want out of life and I do want a really good life (most of the time anyway). I want to marry A in 8 weeks. I really want this. I want to have a job where I am permanent and where I feel like I am valued. BUT... I still want to be skinny. Fuck!

I am never ever going to get away from this am I. I am doomed to spending the rest of my life chasing Ana and hoping that she will grace me with her superior presense. In a way it makes me feel so sad that I am so lost in all this. Then I know that I am actually good at this too in another way. Why the fuck would I give something up I am good at??? I remember sitting at work (the work I have just left) and watching two of the Js. They are both big women and they would complain about how fat they were. They wouldn't eat all day and then pig out at night and eat 3 days worth of food. I am not having a go at anyone that B/P at all here, because they didn't purge at all. I remember saying to one of them one day that I ate 5 small meals a day to keep my metabolism up and I had a milky way or a mint pattie every day at lunch because I knew if I didn't have that and if I kept not having it, I would binge so bad and since I don't purge, it would make me fatter.

In 8 weeks I have to be feeling better. I really want this, as in no depression. I will start my life as A's wife (argh, scary but not)! Hard to explain. I just want to be happy, but I no longer know what happy is anymore. I feel like my life is so chaotic right now. I don't know where to start. I don't know where this will end. I don't know what to do or where to start to get better, whatever that is.

You are all right in making goals helps. Tomorrow I will be seeing a friend I haven't seen in nearly 3 years. I am looking forward to that. Tomorrow I am going to finish my wedding invitations. There are only 3 of them as we are having it in a registry office and our parents will be our witnesses. Tomorrow I want to do more on my calendar. I am up to August now. I am struggling. Tomorrow I want to make my mum's birthday card. Tomorrow. I hope tomorrow I feel better. I hope tomorrow is a good day. I hope all of your tomorrow's are good too.

*hugs* xxx

Ugh! New psychologist :-/

Well I have had a horrible day so far. Though thank you all for your lovely comments. It really made me feel a little better know you are all out there. Today I went to see my new psychologist. She seems really nice and this is our second appointment. I felt fine when I was with her and she wants me to write down goals of what I want to work on with her. Do I dare try and get help for this out of control train of an ED I have right now? Or do I fuck around with her and tell her what she wants to hear for the next 3 months and then dump like I have dumped every other psychologist for the last 5 years. It freaks me out totally, but part of me would love to be free. Would love to not feel like a piece of crap everytime I walk past food or take 3 hours to pick my lunch as I have to check nutritional information first and then compare compare compare. Ugh! Not feel bad for taking a bite of a chocolate or whatever. Do I dare? I have no idea.

On the way home I was sitting at the train station and I just started to cry. For no reason that I can tell. I just couldn't stop. I sat there silently crying with tears pouring down my face. I have this anxiety in me that is eating me up and I don't understand why I am sad. I should be happy. I am being paid sick leave but don't have to go to work to finish my two weeks notice. I should feel like I am on holidays and treat it like that. But I can't. I think my psychiatrist is going to put me on anti-d's. I will find out today or tomorrow what ones. He has suggested it might help and I have said let's start it now to get the horrible side effects out of the way before I get back into working because I sure as hell cannot work in the state I am in right now :-(

I am trying to kick the depression in the ass, but it's just so hard. I guess that's why they call it depression. I won't give up though, I will not do that!!! I must keep fighting. I haven't really thought too much about food today, just how to keep going on really. Not that I don't want to be here, it's more that I just don't know what to do with myself anymore !

Hugs to you all, you are beautiful!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

fuck you depression

RIGHT... I'M NOT GOING TO DO THIS!

I am not going to let myself fall apart. I am going to pick myself up and I am going to focus on other stuff.

I think I said I wasn't going to worry too much about food, but I can't let myself go or I will be more unhappy than I have been lately. So I am going to try and plan out my day each morning. I must plan it out! I am going to get a new job and I am going to be skinny and I'm going to be happy! I will not allow myself to wallow in my own self pity because that makes my old boss win.

I will do this because I must and I will do it. I will be happy until I am happy ;-)

I can do this!!!!!!!!

*hugs* 


don't know what to say

I have started this post a dozen times and then deleted it and come back later but still there is nothing that I can say to make myself feel better at the moment. I think I am depressed. I know I'm depressed. I haven't actually had a depressive episode for a while, but when I look back on my posts for the last month, most of them are negative. At home I don't have much to say either. I cry. I feel sad. I take anti-anxiety medication to make me sleep because sleeping is so much easier when you feel like this. I can still feel that gaping hole in me. I don't want A to know how deep it is, that it's for real and I can't seem to shake it. I just want to feel okay, to feel happy and normal. Normal for me feels pretty crazy anyway. I really really have no idea what to say or do or when this is going to go away!

[edit] you know the worst thing. I don't even care about food right now and that concerns me since I think about that all the time .

Saturday, January 16, 2010

i'm black and white in a world of colour

I feel like I am barely existing right now. The depression I'm feeling is filling every little part of me and it's the worst feeling in the world. I was walking home from buying stuff for my dad's card and I realised that all the colours around me were so bright, while I am fading and fading to black and white. It feels like this massive hole is gaping inside me and it's growing and growing and soon it's going to completely take me over. In a few days I will be even less and there is no hope. There is no tomorrow. There is just nothing. I know I sound dramatic but it is such a horribly overwhelming feeling. I'm so sad and so horribly dispondant. I have no idea what to do with myself or where to go. I'm thinking of taking something to sleep and just sleeping and sleeping. But it's only 3pm but I don't care. I can't bear these feelings. I can't cope with this horrible pain that is leeching inside me and swollowing me up. I can't do this anymore. I need some kind of hope. I don't have anything. I don't know what to do or how to feel better and this is scaring me. I am so sad and so scared and so horribly anxious. I want to scream and kick and punch and somehow work out this horrible icky feeling. Fuck. There is just no point :-(

one more day

I need to try today. To try and focus on something other than my selfish self. I need to keep my self as busy as possible.

I want to create

I am going to finish my calendar that I said I would finish lsat weekend. I want to take random photos of random things and I want today to be a good day, to be positive.

I want to make it through the day. I want to be safe.

~ I'm trying because I feel far from this ~

how to get through the day

Yesterday afternoon was awful. I got so anxious and upset that I ended up ringing my counsellor for help. I had been reading blogs for a few hours (as you do) and I suddenly felt I was the hugest most horribly fat person on the planet. I forced myself to go downstairs and try and finish my mum and dad's birthday cards and the book marks I have already embossed for my friend I am seeing on tuesday next week. I couldn't stop the snowballing effect though that the food of yesterday had on my mind. When I think logically I didn't eat a huge amount, however it was so much more from the day before. I was trying to stop the dizziness I had been getting over the last few days from creeping over me (as much as I love it) it's just that I can't think properly when it's like that.

Your blogs are all amazing by the way. I keep finding new ones every day and it keeps me strong. As does more of you coming to my blog and commenting. It always makes you feel so much better when you know some is reading. I don't know what my plan is for today. God I don't even know what I'm doing today. I know I have some cards to make, but I do feel so empty at the moment. I really hate that feeling. It's the most overwhelming OH MY GOD feeling like nothing is every going to make you feel better again. I've been feeling this for the last week and I think it's maybe the way work finished work and how I had to take my keys and swipe card in yesterday. Anyway, moving right along.

I don't know what I will do, where I will go, how I will feel, but I know that I'm already feeling the anxiety today. It's only 6.56am. I think this is going to be a long day :-(

Friday, January 15, 2010

i want to try

to do one thing each day that makes me happy
to try and make it through one day without hating myself for something
to not feel so worthless
to think about one positive thing every day
to be thin but in control
to not be scared and anxious all the time
to not worry that no one will like me for me
to try and eat, just to be healthy
but
i still want to be thin, it would be good though if a banana didn't scare me and that i lose control and crave bad foods. that when i get bored i eat and then regret it and pile on a whole heap of self hatred. i complain all the time and sometimes that pisses A off.

i want to be free!

ARGGGHHHHHH

fuck you food - i hate you 



i've got to get it out. but how can i when i can't purge :-(

i can't think

my brain has shut down. i can't concentrate. i can't think. can i do anything. fuck this. i ate too much and now i feel bad. i wish i still had that empty feeling. all i am is full and awful. i know i needed to eat though. i won't eat anything more now for at least another 7 hours. and then it will be a small portion. i wish i could just swear off food altogether and it kind of sucks that my body won't allow me that :-(

untitled

I'm tired today. I got all dizzy yesterday too and I'm silently thinking to myself that although this is an amazing feeling, starting next, after tomorrow's weigh in, I might make sure I have enough food to not get that feeling. I'm hoping to get a job interview next week and I'm not going to do too well if I am so out of it with not eating that I can't concentrate. That's the thing. Although this is amazing, I can't put two thoughts together to save my life in that state. I remember when it was like this all the time. I really didn't function. I guess I just can't afford not to.

This is going to be a short post as I'm going down stairs for some serious glittering, gluing and inking. Just remember, it's the perfect excuse not to eat with all that crap on your fingers ;-)

Thursday, January 14, 2010

things are looking up

Woke up early this morning and am sort of still tired. However, I did get my application in for the business school. I'm so glad it's finished and I felt like it sounded good. Everyone keep your fingers crossed for me.

Today is looking okay.

Breakfast was an english muffin and V8
I had medium coffee
and now I'm going to try and just have fluids until as long as I can cope.
Yesterday I got so dizzy but in an odd way it felt so good.
A nice empty feeling.
When I lay down last night on my back, I could feel my hip bones sticking out.
I weighed this morning and I was 55.8 but yesterday I weighed in the morning to 56.0 and then later in the day I was 55.4 so I may still drop that number down.

Going to take some laxies later today too and I'm going to try and load up on water (I really don't like water much)! I guess I coudl get a flavoured one :-/

Hope you're all doing okay today!
*hugs*


Wednesday, January 13, 2010

OMG... 55.4

woohoo! very excited right now. I can't believe i saw 55.4. this is the lowest i've been in a while... hoping i can make it 54 in the next few days :-)

I wish I wish I wish for 54


the outcome

I got a phone call today from HR at work and they are paying me for the next two weeks because they see what has happened to me was stress related but I don't actually have to go in as I have the medical certificate and therefore means it is not possible for me to go back to the department I worked in. I am so happy about this.

Today food wise has been a success so far.

Breakfast - english muffin (156) and V8 (98) jumbo coffee (154)
Lunch - two sushi rolls (300) milky way (115) mint pattie (86)

That's 909 so far, so that is good. I'm going to try and skip dinner. If I can't, I'm going to have the tiniest amount and say my tummy is upset because of all the stress.

I think I have done remarkably well. I think I will have to drink some water though, I got really dizzy at one point, but I think that was because I'm not used to not eating for so long. I'm glad I managed to go for 7 and 1/2 hours anyway. Yay me! I might have to either cut of breakfast though or cut out the jumbo coffee! I will see how I feel tomorrow about that.

Okay... a plan

Today's plan. I have a meeting with the discrimination and harrasment people at work. Feeling okay about this so far, as I don't actually have to make the complaint, I can just listen to what I would have to do if I did go through with it. I will find out from HR about what happens with my stress leave. Sort of not really trying to think about that right now. Ugh!

Food plan

I did eat breakfast. I had an english muffin and V8. Lunch - I'm going to see if I can leave it until as late as possible and see if I can skip it altogether. I hope I can. If not I will try and have a very small very low cal snack about mid afternoon. I am going to have diet coke all day and will have a jumbo coffee soon to keep me going for a few hours. Have taken some laxies, so hopefully those will help too.

This morning I weighed 56.0kg. I'm alright with that. I am aiming to get back to the 55s and hopefully in the next few weeks I can get down to 54 or 53... wow, that would be amazing.

i want my belly to be flat and i want to feel empty and free. i will do my best to ignore you food and i will take a trip with ana.

fuck you food, you are my enemy!



Tuesday, January 12, 2010

me

Here is a pic of the weight I have to lose at the moment. I took this this afternoon and I hate the way my belly sticks out. I have never gotten rid of this belly even when I was 8kg lighter .



This pic is better because my belly doesn't stick out so much. I took this about 15 minutes after the first one. I'm showing you these pics to keep myself motivated.



I haven't eaten now at all for over 6 and a half hours. I have to make dinnner soon. Good thing is, since I am cooking, I can cook it however I like :-)

*hugs*