I haven't done this in ages and I really wanted to take some pics with my new camera, so that is my excuse. So here we go.
The book I am almost finished.
The next book on my agenda (it's about fairies, yay).
Part of my stash of food.
Yum, coffee :-)
Getting ready for work tomorrow
My mum bought this tv for andy and I for our wedding. Funny thing though is she is so sneaky, we only got this because she wanted one and got it cheap because she got two and they gave her a discount. But it's still nice.
The five plush friends we have on our bed. You know the two at the back, Cookie Monster and Grover. In front is Harold, Ziggy and then Ziggy's sensible brother Sigmund. Yes we are insane, lol!
The joys of fibre in the oatmeal!
What the calendar I made is showing for today
A new day, a new month, a new job and a new page on the calendar I made.
I'm so excited this afternoon. This morning I went into the city camera shopping. My fav little camera I had has a broke flash and it would cost too much to get fixed. We are keeping it because it has an awesome macro and super macro feature on it where you can seriously be in focus 1cm away from the object. It's unreal. Anyway, I got this really good deal on a Nikon camera (I have loved Nikon ever since my old Nikon SLR camera died a long time ago). I did look at SLR digital cameras and I tried out a beautiful Canon but in the end I realised that they are too heavy for me. I asked about a really good compact camera and the guy showed me this tiny camera that he said a lot of professional photographers are using as it comes close to the SLRs. I hated it. It was too tiny and I nearly dropped it when he handed it to me.
Then I noticed this Nikon that was marked down and I found out it was only because it was the last one in the store and it was the demo model. I fell in love with it. Even more so when I got it home. It has 12.1 megapixels and 24x opitcal zoom. It has vibration reduction. A way cool LCD panel that you can move out with an ISO of 6400 and up to 15 frames per second. I am such a nerd. I got so excited when I saw all this and I got to try it out.
I'm in love :-)
So besides buying my new camera and having fun playing with it. I am doing really well food wise. I haven't skipped any meals today and even branched out at lunch a little. I found this Japanese place that had this sweet and sour chicken, with rice and salad. The amazing thing about it was they used this sweet vinigar that made the rice taste amazing. I only ate 2/3 of it because it was very filling but it was so yum and I wasn't scared of it. I ate more rice than I would normally, because I liked it so much. I had my nut bar for afternoon snack and two sultana biscuits, though I'm not sure if that is enough. I don't feel hungry, but then I never really do anyway.
I also did some wedding planning too. I have booked my hair appointment (just getting it curled slightly) and before that is some waxing appointments. My eyebrows are seriously scary at the moment. I found a hair clip I want to use to just pull a small amount from each side (I have quite long hair). So this time in two weeks I was be married. Scary but exciting!
I am almost all organised for my new job tomorrow. I have the directions of the place and have gone passed it many times. I know the bus route thankfully and the train too. It is so close to where I live. I will be home much quicker.
I hope you are all doing well and have at least had an okay day. I have been out all day so I am about to catch up on all your blogs.
So today I decided to really sit down and do my homework for Michael. So I am reading all about carbs. What carbs do in my body; how they turn to fat; how fat turns to carbs; what happens to your mood if carbs aren't consumed and how many carbs are required. This was all fine and I found it quite interesting. However, the next part I found a little scary, aspartame and auto-immune diseases. I know that there are always a lot of stuff about aspartame and whether it's good or bad. But there was one article I found that left me feeling cold.
This is what the article had to say:
Let's look at how this one chemical: N-methyl, L-aspartyl, phenylalanine causes such human devastation! A brief look at what it is biochemically: The N-methyl corner of this carefully crafted, three cornered poison is methyl alcohol, or wood alcohol (methanol), is well known for over a century to cause death, dementia, insanity, carcinogenesis, degenerative diseases, and autoimmune disease of every body system, blindness, and death. Methanol is sequentially metabolized via obligatory human metabolism into formaldehyde, formic acid, and carbon monoxide. Um... I'm not sure that I want to be ingesting this. I mean, I saw that word formaldehyde and the first thing I thought of were all those pots of body parts floating in that lovely stuff in Andy's museum. Does this mean if I keep taking as much of it as I am, that one day I can be the perfect speciman. I know that this is one article. But I do know that this stuff isn't the best. I know nothing about science, I really don't. I failed science at school and I failed math. I know nothing about any of this. Can anyone tell me that this stuff is not horribly bad for me? But then I think, if I don't have this, what can I have instead. I love diet coke. Though I don't know if I want it now.
I remember in my last session with Michael. I told him how I have four of those equal tablets in my coffee or tea. I said to him that I love my tea and coffee really sweet. He said I need to retrain my taste buds so that I can ingest a healthy amount of natural sugars and that it would take a little while for me to get used to it. I don't know. I hate learning this stuff in a way because it forces me to really think about what I am doing to my body. I've been drinking diet coke for over ten years. If all this stuff is really in that, what am I doing to myself?
After my wonderful feelings this morning, when I came home I told Andy that I would be kicking this ED for good and from now on I am going to fight so hard to beat it and it will be gone.
So lunch came and I was fine. I had two slices of this really yummy multigrain and oat burgen bread, with 1/2 an avocado, light fetta cheese, tomato, light ham and lettuce, followed by an apple. I was thinking this was going to be really hard to eat and the sandwich itself was very wide. Andy laughed at me trying to get my mouth around it, lol. I haven't eaten an apple in months. A year ago Michael gave me a meal plan that I still remember. My ED wasn't so bad as it is now then, but yes, I still remember that meal plan. I am proud of myself for eating what I did and I feel okay. I was full to start with but I feel fine and happy and proud of myself. I am going to add fruit back to my diet. I got some dried fruit, I got some little tubs of tinned fruit and fresh fruit. I am going to make my diet so good that I won't need those awful laxies. More water is what I need. I'm not going to do many changes though, or I will freak out and I don't want to do that.
It's like the sun shining through from a winter's freeze for the first time!
I have a new determination for beating my ED than ever before. I just ran into my very old and very good friend I lost contact with years ago. Kylie listened to me for hours when I was suicidal and in the end we drifted apart because it was so one sided on my part. I was so so happy to see her and I didn't tell her about my ED, only good things like my new job and getting married. She is doing really well too. I missed her so much and now I am going to use that and Andy to make myself eat. To quit the laxies. I WILL beat this because ED has sucked too much of my life away. He won't be doing that anymore!
I'm sitting here in the middle of a shopping centre watching people go by. I'm not sitting here because I want a rest. I'm sitting here because I am in a lot of pain and simply cannot move right now. I could be here a while. I am ashamed to say I'm in pain because of the laxatives I took last night and the night before. I didn't really think it was laxative abuse because I had been constipated. I have been using nulax, which is a fruit bar that has senna in it. It was actually one of the things Dr Jane suggested to me instead of senokot. I thought it was okay to take it but now I realise I purposely misunderstood her. She meant only to take it when I'm constipated not every day there after. I have the worst pains in my tummy. I mean for god's sake I have this block of the stuff and I've taking it by the spoonful. I'm not even trying to help myself out my drinking water. I am angry with myself because now I have to stay where I am until the pain settles. I have got to stop this. I will stop it. I don't want to be that girl anymore. ED is so insidious and he got me again!
I have been thinking about today and how things went with my sandwich and how I came home and Andy and I had Indian take away and watched Supernatural. I had a great day. It was even great walking out of the university I've been working at for over two years and knowing I don't have to go back for at least four months. That was a nice feeling. But. I am now thinking forward. What will I feel tomorrow when I see the number on the scale. I know I don't have to do that but I know that lately I have been and it has been higher. Will the stress of starting a new job push me back again? Will I be okay? My routine is going to be stuffed up until I figure out a new one and I hate that.
I have an appointment with both Michael and Cecily on Saturday 6 March. Though Michael has made me an appointment next Wednesday before work too if I want it. I know which path I should take. I am currently sitting in feelings of being uncomfortable with eating naan bread and I think of what I ate and I am still favouring vegetables over carbs and meat. I had three minuscule pieces of meat, probably not even worth of being called meat. Though I did have a very small amount of rice and I did have a bit of naan bread. I wish I could know what the 'right' amount of things are. What foods are the best for me. Which things won't make me a huge hippo (sorry Harold, I swear you're not fat). I tried to do my homework at work today but the laptop they lent me had no mouse. It was very frustrating to use the little thingy near the keyboard (whatever it is called). I also was using a Mac and I am not familiar with them as I haven't used one for a few years. I need to know what is healthy good food but I'm still terrified of getting fat. So much so that it scares the crap out of me. Then I think about how long this is going to take, to de-program me.
I did have one memory today that gave me goosebumps. I was 13 and I was going to trampolining practice and my coach, who I had been chatting to, told me I had put on weight. I remember thinking how was I going to still be so quick, if I was fat and I remember wishing to be smaller. This is my first weight related memory. There is another around this time too. My mum lost a baby she was carrying. She was so depressed she got down to the smallest size you can buy in Australia. She was refused back to weight watchers where she was a lifetime member. Now she is overweight and constantly says how fat she is but can't walk to the shops here that are less than five minutes away and only eats convenience meals. I was by then in year 9, where girl are worried about being fat. It was from then I remember wishing I was smaller. It wasn't until years later, in hosptial and vulnerable, where I met a fellow self harmer Jen, there was just on difference. Jen was anorexic. I often wonder if I had never been hospitalised, would I have been strong enough to resist the voice of ED.
Positive for tomorrow, I am going to my local craft shop and check out their new stock and I am going to try and make a card or two if I can. If not, I can say hi to the girls :-)
Lunch time finally came. In the last half an hour before lunch, I got really depressed. All I could think about was food and how I didn't have any. I've never had that happen before. It wasn't in a I want to binge way, it was more like my body is screaming to be fed and I really didn't like it. It was kind of strange to feel like that and it wasn't that I didn't like it because there was food involved, just that I was listening to my body and I knew it was starving. It was an awful feeling that I didn't actually have the ability to move away from the front desk to get anything and in fact I didn't have any food with me because I was going to buy my lunch today. I sat there and I moped. I could see Sue outside and she seemed to be taking forever to come back inside the building. I almost ran to the refectory when it was lunch time and I think I made a good choice of food for my lunch.
I had a rye bread, egg, cheese and salad. It was a huge sandwich, but since I was so hungry, I ate the whole thing. But get this, I was actually really happy to see food. I am surprised that I am saying this. I didn't find it scary or awful and part of me was freaking out that I had no feelings like this. I ate my food and it was good but the ED voice is saying "you're going to get fat if you eat like this". I ignored it totally.
I really hate hunger signals. Last time I saw Michael, he told me that when I have hunger signals, it's my body's way of trying to save me, to tell me my body needs food. It scares the crap out of me. So what do I do, I ignore it completely even though it is very strong. I say to myself, no, you can't have food yet, it's not lunch time and it's past morning tea, so you have to wait until it's time to eat and that is that. Your body is not allowed to scream for food. It simply has to learn that it's not time yet!
So who is talking there? ED of course, you can tell by the tone in his voice. What can I do. Right now I can't do anything because I don't know how to deal with adding food. I don't know what is safe. Should I drink a whole heap of water to stop me feeling hungry? Well that's just the anorexia wanting water instead of nutrients. I don't know what to do. It scares me. I hate that feeling. I really really do. Especially when I haven't learnt how to cope with it yet. Ugh! When one thing gets sorted out another thing comes.
A day makes a difference, so I'm feeling so good today. The rain isn't even bothering me. ED is also quiet. I weighed myself and the number was higher but it didn't bothere me. I am constpated again though. So I think the stress was having no job to go to next week and now I do I don't have the frantic panic and stress.
Today's plan is to do my home work from both Cecily and Michael. And an oops as well, I was only supposed to weigh myself once yesterday but totally forgot in my excitement! So no more weight-ins today, so there ED (Sarah childishly pokes her tongue to ED)!
This is just a quick post, as my shoulder is very sore, but as you can see by the title I got a job today, yay me. I will be working for the Government and I start on Monday. What an up and down day today. I will post more later or in the morning but I wanted you all to know how grateful I am for your support. Today I have laughed, cried, got angry, felt hurt and I pretty much can think of a whole other range of emotions as well that I felt. I didn't have half of my afternoon snack but I'm really hungry tonight, so I will have a good dinner. I hope you are all okay and I will catch up with blogs in the morning.
So I was sitting upstairs having lunch and I started to bawl my eyes out, quietly I might add. I'm sitting there trying to read my book and I can't because my nose is running and the tears are pouring down my face and I didn't have any tissues. I came down to reception, where I work and Sue told me to run upstairs and talk to Charmaine. I did and then took me to the sick room (my shoulder is very sore too from carrying my laptop and now have tingling all down my left arm and in my fingers). They call Ross, the workplace health and safety officer and he came and saw me. He said that it's probably best if I leave my computer at home and he is going to organise a laptop for me here. Since I have my own mobile modem, I will have internet of my own anyway. So later on when I have another break, I am going to go upstairs and they will configure the computer I will use to my modem. I am so happy and impressed that would do this for me and I am so proud of myself. I would normally run for the hills and go home and be sad and in pain. I have managed to settle down and feel better and tomorrow I don't have to bring in my own computer, just my modem, yay me! The big cry helped too. Oh my it wasn't pretty, lots of gasping breaths and shakiness. I told them the truth, that I was upset about the jobs and that my shoulder was hurting like crap. I told Ross I took Gabapentin for my nerve pain, valium and paracetomol and that they were all prescribed and okay to take together.
Well I didn't get either of those jobs I went for. I am sore from carrying my laptop to work and I just burst into tears again this morning. I don't want to eat and I know this is EDs way of helping me out, NOT! I feel so horrible that I can't seem to get a job. I got offered two others this morning, one I could have done easily but know that the manager there is an even bigger bully than the one at my last job and I've even seen her in action. One of my friend's works there and she hates this lady who stands over her and tells everyone how bad she and everyone else it at their jobs. She is a monster and horrible. There was another one that I knew was beyond me and so I told the temp coordinator that. I feel like I am worthless and will never find a job. I hate myself sometimes. I know there is a job coming up soon that goes for 2 months but it doesn't start until the end of March. Ugh! I hurt. I took valium so I could stop the crying and anxiety. It hasn't started working yet :-(
So today at work was really busy. I am getting really sore from carrying my laptop to and from work but would dead bored without it. I haven't done any of my homework yet but have been thinking on it. Mainly I have been observing myself and I have a few different situations I could look for Cecily's homework. I have been more open with Andy about ED and he has been really good. After my last post, I noticed that as afternoon snack came up, I simply couldn't drink my V8. Though I could not figure out why that was. It took me another 2 hours but I did eventually manage to drink it, though with a lot of fighting and frustrating thoughts. I'm glad I drank it. Then because I drank it, there were issues at dinner and was able to eat, though I didn't eat much.
I have realised that I will put my food out first and it really is a small amount but then will fill Andy's plate and hand it to him. He is then so occupied eating, he doesn't seem to notice that I have a lot lot less than I probaby should. At this stage I can't yet change the amount, but I guess it's good I am noticing this. I hate it though. Honestly, if I can just say how I feel, I DON'T WANT TO BLOODY EAT IT. But then I realise too that these are ED's thoughts and probably not mine, though they feel like mine. I notice that I pick bits out of my dinner, have less meat, more vegies, less carbs. I wish every meal wasn't a battle, it gets really tiring and annoying. I mean come on, 2 hours to drink a stupid drink that any normal person would drink it 3 minutes.
I know, it's baby steps. I have to do this slowly so I don't run for the hills, once again. I need to do what Michael wrote on my homework sheet last week 'stay completely'!
So I woke up this morning with a little feeling of dread in my tummy but I made myself eat my oatmeal and basically had to leave straight away to get to the appointment with Michael on time. So no sitting down with a cup of tea or coffee and reading blogs. So I am probably way behind. But... my appointment went really well. I am so happy about this. I was thinking he was going to weigh me blah blah blah, but because I felt thin today (how sad is that) I was feeling okay. Though I did find it frustrating that I still felt the need to touch my belly to see if it was flat or okay or to fat and I also touched my hips a few times.
I am waiting outside the waiting room and then Desi arrives and I realise that she is pregnant. I suddently thought to myself, thank god I am seeing Michael, because if I had been seeing Desi, she would leave at some point. So now I'm feeling good and positive, though still a little nervous. Michael walks in and goes into his office then comes out a few minutes later and calls me in. I'm actually feeling okay. One of the first things I said was how I felt that there was a misunderstanding between us last time I saw him, he said last time I probably knew lots about food. So I told him I really don't. I know what foods are low fat but I don't know how foods work. He said part of his job was to stop me from getting thinner and the other part would be to educate me and get me to learn and research about foods. He didn't weigh me and he indicated that he will never tell me when he is going to weigh me. He will just spring it on me, which I'm too happy about but hey. He also said he never wants me to restrict before seeing him.
Michael looked at my food diary and he said I am eating the amount an average or overweight person would be eating to lose weight. He said I am not eating enough at all, plus I have lots of dificiencies (surprise, surprise)! I have lots of homework from him and he is going to talk to Cecily in the next day or two.
My homework from Michael, so it's research time!
1. What does carbohydrates do in my body?
2. How does carbohydrates turn to fat and how does fat turn to carbohydrates? The key word he gave me here was gluconeogenesis. He said to put that in a search engine and I would find what I was after.
3. What happens to mood, energy and concentration when I don't consume enough carbohydrates?
4. How much carbohydrates are required for exercise and for an average day?
5. What is the correlation between astpartame and auto-immune diseases?
This week's goal
I am only allow to weigh myself two times on one day then the next day it is one time and repeat this each day until I see him next wednesday.
I am so happy with all of this. I can't wait to get started on the research. I remember really loving this side of it last time I saw him.
Information from Cecily
The information I have been given from Cecily is the way I deal with stress.
I have an event which I have a need for emotional regulation because of a negative or positive emotion -> I don't have any emotion regulation skills -> this causes an increase in anxiety and fear emotion and I get overwhelmed by it -> I feel an urgency to stop the emotion escalating -> I use maladaptive behaviours, for example, restricting, ruminations, weigh-ins -> I have a temporary decrease in distress -> this leads to decreased self-esteem and negative self-view -> which ultimately leads to an increase in anxiety. This is what she said to me yesterday that made me realise that she does know what she's doing.
The goals I have are DBT goals. I need to decrease
1. Interpersonal chaos
2. Labile emotions, moods
4. Confusion about self, cognition dysregulation
I need to increase
1. Interpesonal effectiveness skills
2. Emotion regulation skills
3. Distress tolerance skills
4. Core mindfulness skills
Homework from Cecily
I have to do a behaviour chain to analyse a problem
Describe the problem? What prompted me in the environment that started me on the chain to my problem behaviour? What things in myself and my environment made me vulerable?
Then I have to do the links, which are actions, body sensations, cognitions, feelings and try to get a skillful way of dealing with the problem
Then comes the analysis.
- what exactly were the consequences in the environment and in myself?
- ways to reduce my vulenerability in the future?
- ways to prevent precipitating event from happening again?
- what harm did my problem behaviour cause?
- plans to repair and correct the harm?
- my deepest thoughts and feelings about this?
This is a lot to take in but I have done DBT before so I have done this homework before actually. The good thing is that I understand it totally.
I am very happy to have all this to do. I can do it while I'm working here and it will keep me busy :-)
I hate anxiety. Of course it's huge right now as I am seeing Michael tomorrow and I broke one of my goals. I am only meant to weigh myself 2 times or less and I weighed myself 3 times today. The reason I say blogger is stalking me is because I was commenting on a blog and the word recognition is 'bones'. On the way home on the train tonight, I was almost at my station, when I suddenly got worried about my bones. I quickly checked my hips, collarbones, elbows, wrists and shoulders. Then did it about another 10 times. I was convinced that my hip bones weren't as prominent (I'm obviously imagining this, as they were fine this morning and last night). But the anxiety just started to grow. So I said to myself, why are you really worried. The answer, because Michael might weigh me tomorrow and he might think I'm fat. I'm realising this is completely ridiculous but I can't shake it. I get home and I'm terse with Andy. I want him out of the bed room so I can go and run and weigh myself. I can't do this in front of people. So I weigh myself and I'm really happy with the number. Then I realise I have stuffed up by weighing and will have to admit to it. So I start to rationalise it, you didn't really have 2 weigh-ins this morning, remember you only had to do it twice because you leaned to much to the right the first time and you though it was an incorrect weight. It was the same actually.
So what now. I realise that until I become comfortable with a treatment plan, which is not in place right now, I don't know my team well enough, I am probably going to get this anxiety. What I need to do, is to have a moment and stop and think about what I'm doing. Is it really possible that in less than 12 hours you have put on so much weight that your hips or any of your bones are different from before. Probably not. But the ED brain seems to think it's the perfect thing to latch on to. Cecily gave me a homework assignment and this is the perfect example to use to do it with. When I do actually do this I will tell you all about it. It's basically talking about maladaptive ways of dealing with anxiety and learning to use other ways to deal with said anxiety. She was so spot on today. Now I just have to get through tomorrow. Ugh. God I hate working with new people, it really sucks because it makes me so nervous! At least I seem to be hanging on to this team so far, even though I have the urge to run like hell!
Okay, so I feel bad. I wrote a post about Cecily that wasn't very flattering and I feel kinda bad about it. The thing is, I often don't trust people or give them a chance because I think they will invariably dump me, so I dump them first and it's all easier and it works NOT!
This week I have had a number of meltdowns and now I can see why and how. What happened was I liked Cecily but felt that with all the stuffed up emails I sent around that she would think I was too difficult to work with and dump me. So I decided I would dump her before she had a chance. Yes this is sounding very borderline is it not? Anyway, so this morning I ring the eating disorder association and get a number for a lady that is now a counsellor but has recovered from anorexia. Just before my appointment with Cecily I rang Andy and he said to give her one more chance (not that she has ever done anything wrong). So I say okay. I got there with every intention of telling her I wasn't coming back. Unfortunately (or should I say fortunately) she came up with this model of how I cope with feelings and situations that was so acurate that it made me cry. I told her I was going to dump her and we talked about it and I feel much better with a renewed faith in her. She is going to talk to Michael when he contacts her and I am happy with that.
I think about how I am behaving at the moment and I sort of feel bad. I think I will feel a little better when Michael and Cecily talk but I am going to try not to dwell on these feelings so much. Cecily has given me homework to do and I will go into that a bit later when I have a moment at home to describe it to you all. We will be using DBT and CBT strategies, so I guess I'll just give it a go and stop thinking about dumping people. I have eaten all my food so far today. I am about to have my afternoon snack. I am trying really hard. I am going to really try not to give up.
 Cecily also said she is not giving up on me :-)
I am really happy that I can stay here in your house. I know that it is illegal to keep lions in Australia in your home but I know you know that I am small enough that they won't notice. I heard you were feeling bad and I think you should know that I like you a lot. Especially when you're not at home as I like to sticky tape myself to the fan and go for rides. It's only a problem after I've been drinking that special whisky of Andy's because once I threw up on the bed.
I really don't want you to feel bad because I think you are the most awesome person ever. Remember the time you took Harold and I to the hosptial when you had that minor surgery and I was in your bag under the trolley in the surgical room and you nearly got the giggles just before they put the needle into the nerve because you thought of me. It was very exciting that they were pouring alcohol and anasthetic on the back of your head and I wouldn't really have burst out of your bag to try and get it because I really hate needles.
Just remember that you are loved by all of your wonderful plush friends and that it's okay to eat (and a whisky or three is actually really healthy) and don't worry about what others think of you because they are silly and don't like fancy pants so there who ever gave Sarah a funny look yesterday!!! Not only that but I think you have lovely hair. That's why I like tying knots in it. Though you could do with some colour, pink maybe? I also think you should get a bow, because like vic says, I love bows. OH and thank you for letting me phone Julian Paul last night, vic's bested plush friend, I chatted to him for hours and he seems to really like it in the UK. Actually come to think of it, I think I left him on hold!
My today was all over the place. I realise now I was judging my self worth on how others percieved me, but not just today but from moment to moment. It almost literally was like if someone looked at me funny, in a way I didn't like, I felt bad, but if I got a smile, I felt good. So all day I am watching how people are with me. If I felt like I got brushed off, it almost ruined my day. I think I am just feeling hyper-sensitive at the moment because my team to help me battle ED is only just in place. They haven't talked to each other yet and it doesn't make me feel safe. I don't trust them yet. So my ED behaviours got so much worse today. I think part of the problem was also boredom. This job is good that I am getting paid so much to do hardly anything but I hate sitting doing nothing and obviously because my mind goes into overdrive.
By the end of the day, I was a wreck. I had skipped my afternoon snack. I felt horrible. I cried. I came home and then ran to the fridge and ate two big chunks of nulax. I'm sure I will regret it later when the tummy cramps start. Dinner wasn't on time. One of my stupid rules is I have to eat by 7:30pm. So I ate my whole dinner, drink and my freddo frog in 10 minutes so I was finished by 7:40pm. I felt better when I got an email from Michael. He does want me to keep a food diary (though no numbers) and how I felt about the food if I was struggling. I'm sure he will raise his eyebrows and the lovely swear words I used to describe my afternoon snack that is still at work! Oh well, he'll get over it and at least I was honest. I am feeling sort of worn out. I think fighting myself today was hard. I told Andy everything though, which is good because otherwise I would feel bad. Oh... actually, I didn't tell him how I raced into the bathroom when I got home and weighed myself. I will be happy when I have the strength to throw out the scale. I know though if I did it now, it is too soon and I can see myself running around at midnight trying to find them again.
Thank you all for sticking with me today. I felt like I was hard work today. I want to be easier work tomorrow. Tomorrow is Cecily. Honestly, I am not looking forward to it. I have this little edge of doubt in my mind about Cecily, though I don't know why. I hate that my mind does this too. It did this with every other psychologist before her!
Sarah is reminding herself that she is not worthless, just confused!
I was walking through the city to catch the bus to work, when I saw this anorexic girl. It was very hard to watch her as she had these match stick legs and so small and it really really looked bad. I wanted to hug her and tell her that there was an alternative. She would have to be past the point of inpatient in my opinion. I am surprised she isn't there already or that she hasn't put on an involuntary treatment order. I hope she gets help! Then I thought about it and I realised ED is trying to make me like this! I don't want to be like that at all! I wanted to tell her not to listen to ED!
I feel grateful that I am at a healthy weight because the alternative is so so much worse! I NEVER want to be like that girl.
So I thought I'd try and start the day with some positives for the week, instead of always talking about negatives.
1. I made have put all my snacks for today in my bag for work and I am not going to throw any of them out, I want to eat them all (giving ED a kick in the butt right now (thanks Vic)).
2. I finished my book yesterday and yay, I have started a new one by Devon Monk Magic to the Bone. Last night instead of going to bed and laying there, I read until I was tired and fell asleep quickly.
3. Although I woke up through the night, I didn't have any nightmares, just some kinda darkish strange dreams. But I am okaky with them. They were kinda interesting.
4. I'm seeing both Cecily and Michael this week :-)
I think I'm strange. Well I don't think it, I know it, feel it. So here's the deal. I always feel like I have this need where I must show people I need help. This is more though with things like self harm and now with the ED. The self harm was most often the way I used to show my emotions. I would often only do it when someone upset me and I couldn't tell them about it. If I felt depressed. If I felt like I was empty and worthless, similiar to depression but different too. This emptiness was this hollow feeling inside I never thought anything would fill. This gaping hole inside me I could never fill up. Eventually Andy filled it when I met him. This was both scary and amazing and sometimes I still think it was some kind of weird fluke that he found me and then liked me, like I wasn't worth that. I know this is not true. This time in three weeks I will be married to him. I have to stop thinking my worth depends on how others percieve me, but I can't help it. It was this way for so many years that I forgot that people like me for me.
Now there is this new dynamic, with Cecily and Michael. Frankly it scares this shit out of me. Believe me, I do want to get better, but at the same time, I'm so used to being the way I am, that I wonder if I have it in me to change. This is not coming out right. What I mean is, that I am seeing Michael on Wednesday morning. Typically with my dietitian's I will restrict more and more as the appointment is coming up, just in case they weigh me. I often won't eat the morning of my appointment or even drink anything, so I can be as empty as possible. I know this is really stupid and I know alot of anorexics have the opposite effect where they will drink a heap of water or eat a lot before the appointment to appear heavier. I guess I'm wierd huh? I don't know why I feel like this. My old old dietitian Sharon, it was the same with her. The only thing she did was try and get me to stay at the very low weight I was on around the time I saw her. She never tried to get me to have new food or add things to my diet. Michael is different. He is tougher on me than Sharon ever was and he makes me try new things and add things that are missing. I have this other wierd restriction going on and it's because I started a food diary. Not to count calories or any numbers, just what I am eating. So now, I won't eat things that I would feel embarrased to put in my food diary. I felt bad enough today that I had a chocolate scone, I put it in but now I feel bad that I had some leftover chinese food for dinner and a strawberry freddo frog. Now I want to have smaller things tomorrow because at least then I would look better than the amount of food I had today. To have better food tomorrow, so I look better and healthier and ED says, smaller, damn him. Michael hasn't told me to keep a food diary, but I thought it would be a good idea because he doesn't really know what I eat. I have emailed him to ask him if he wants me to keep one, if he says no, I will stop it, but if he says yes, at least it is started from when I saw him.
Cecily is a whole other problem. I know we have to work on my fears, but OMG it scares the shit out of me. I guess if it didn't, they wouldn't be fears huh? I am worried about seeing her on Tuesday, only because it's the first time seeing her since I admitted to wanting to run away. Oh, on a side note, I read the note that Michael wrote for my home work and right at the bottom he has written "stay completely!" It was kind of funny reading that. I guess he has been through me dumping him before. Back to Cecily. I am just plain scared out of my mind. I am kinda sick of having problems sleeping because I am thinking about this and then I have bad dreams (Oh Sarah, by the way, cool that I was in your dream, I will let you know if you suddenly appear in mine :-P). I lay there and lay there for hours and hours thinking in this half awake half asleep way. I remember hospital, how it was for me (for self harm and ODing)
I have never been in for an ED, but I have been in with a friend that had one. I often wonder if I hadn't seen her go through her ED in hospital and when she got out, wether I would have then gone so far into mine. I always had body image issues and always wanted to be smaller, but I remember when I was tiny, at my lowest weight and I met with her and she called me scrawny, I always felt bad standing next to her, because I still felt fat next to her but she, even at a weight that she wasn't forced into hosptial was too small. Both of us must of looked a site, two tiny girls sipping diet cokes and not a scrap of food in sight but sitting in the food court near where we lived. This is why I hate hosptial, it teaches you so much. I learnt to really self harm in hospital, how much to OD on and how to have an ED. I knew 3 girls that I met on the inside and I learnt so much from them, but particularly from my friend that I stayed in contact with. I saw her through dozens of admissions. She learnt to self harm from me and I learnt how to have an ED from her, how messed up is that! I haven't thought about her in so long, but lately she has been on my mind. I miss her, she was the only friend who was in my life who I could be totally honest with, that I knew wouldn't freak out when I told her what I did. We were very alike.
One day I realised, that I could never get better with having her around. All she talked about was how she had chips of ice for lunch or lettuce or things like that. At my worst, I rang her and kept in contact to keep me motivated. In a fit of "I want to get better from this" moment, when I first started seeing Sharon, I erased every bit of information I had about her. I feel bad in a way that I did that but I knew in my heart I would never recover with her in my life. I did that too with all my hospital friends. I am still embarrased by having to be taken to hosptial 3 days before xmas last year after my horrible panic attack, if you missed it, the link is at the end of this sentence but just beware if you are having issues with numbers, numbers are mentioned in here, see here.
I'm sort of feeling so mixed up inside. I am a confusion of feelings and thoughts of past and present. I am kind of feeling a little lost and scared. I don't know what is in store for me. I am worried about thinking about the past and what it will unleash. There is just so much there and I want to do it safely. The thing that scares me the absolute most, is my thoughts of self harm over the last few days. This is what I worry about the most. I am feeling so borderline right now and although I hate my borderline diagnosis, I do admit it still exists inside of me and I really don't like it.
I am so excited that I just made a card I love in 15 minutes. The reasons behind the card aren't wonderful though. My friend Jan, well her husband Doug had a stroke last weekend. He is okay but is having trouble with reading. Because I love them both so much and because I know Doug likes my cards and stuff, I had to make him a card. An idea popped into my head, like a complete idea like I used to have of what it would look like and I am so excited I have finally completed a card I love rather than one that is okay! .
I can now get back to cardmaking and scrapbooking to beat the ED demons. For once, while I made this card, my excitement of what I was creating completely blocked ED out. I am so so happy!!!! Here is the card.
The get well soon is heat embossed in a pale cool green. The torn paper are strips that I have glued next to each other with a slight overlap. The get well soon has pop dots under it, to make slightly raised off the card. LOVE IT!
I will now be able to get excited about the pile of cardmaking and scrapbooking mags that I have been collecting through my time of not being creative. I knew it would come back and then I would be glad I still bought them.
Love you guys and so happy you like the white background too. I agree with Maeve that the white was getting hard on my eyes too :-)
I am really sick of black on my blog. I used to love it but now I don't. And since I have a lot of black and white thinking, I thought I'd go white :-P I seem to have so many problems with the code when I try and add a groovy template. I can never find the spot it says I need to put it. I might try again this morning. So if you come here and my blog is pretty, you'll know why. If it is still white, I still can't figure it out.
I ate my breakfast, all of it fact. I had oatmeal. I am making a promise to myself that I must not weigh myself over the next few days. It's heartbreaking. Truely it is. I wish I could just stop. But then I worry and I need to know. I know this is part of anorexia. I just have to try. I gave up cutting and am 3 years without cutting, surely weighing should be easier. But then when you think about it, they are both used to decrease anxiety, give a small feeling of feeling better and then guilt. So then we don't do it for a while but the urge is still there. Maybe I substituted cutting with weighing. Though there was a time when the cutting was much less and the weighing was out of control at nearly 20-30 times a day.
I had another nightmare. I didn't tell anyone about it on here, but had left what had happened on Sarah's blog as a comment but I'll put it here too.
The first time I dreamt that Andy died and that I got really really skinny and I was in hospital with a tube up my nose. Last night, I dreamt of going to see Michael after slowly losing back to my lowest weight. I panicked when I got to where he is and I ran into the bathroom and threw up. I have thrown up before in an appointment not too long ago because I got to anxious. So I threw up and then I started to cry. I am laying on the floor of the bathroom in the cubicle after I cut really badly and I dissociate to the point where I'm not there, I'm staring into space but I don't see anything outside of my own head (this has happened to me before, the last time, I was gone 3 hours). Michael comes in and he tries to talk to me but I'm not there and he decides I'm too difficult to work with. Then I am in hospital with a tube up my nose, but this time I am in restraints because I keep ripping the tube out. I am crying and thrashing and all I can think of is how tired I am and that what is in the tube is poison. Then I settle in my sleep.
I have also had a lot of trouble getting to sleep lately. Last night 10mg valium. Normally I cannot function in the morning when I have that much.
Okay, so I am a little anxious today and I'm not sure why! I hope your days are shaping to be brilliant once or those of you in the northern hemisphere, have a great night!
I realise how much I have cut down my food intake. Andy called me to tell me that dinner was ready. I must admit I was dreading it. I love mini chicken roasts, but I worry about the fat. I know we need fat. I remember one of the first things that Michael got me to do when I met him a year ago, was to find out about fat. I decided to go look for that homework again. I remember at the time being very surprised by what I found out. Here it is part of it:
Fats Build Your Brain
About two-thirds of your brain is composed of fats. But not just any kind, your brain cells require very specialised fats.
Membranes – the working surface of your brain is made from fatty acids
The membranes of neurons – the specialized brain cells that communicate with each other – are composed of a thin double-layer of fatty acid molecules. Fatty acids are what dietary fats are composed of. When you digest the fat in your food, it is broken down into fatty acid molecules of various lengths. Your brain then uses these for raw materials to assemble the special types of fat it incorporates into its cell membranes. Passing through a cell's membrane into its cell's interior are oxygen, glucose (blood sugar), and the micronutrients the cell needs to function. Metabolic waste products must exit, so the cell won't be impaired by its own pollution.
Protective Myelin is 70% Fat
Myelin, the protective sheath that covers communicating neurons, is composed of 30% protein and 70% fat. One of the most common fatty acids in myelin is oleic acid, which is also the most abundant fatty acid in human milk and in our diet. Monosaturated oleic acid is the main component of olive oil as well as the oils from almonds, pecans, macadamias, peanuts, and avocados.
Essential Fatty Acids
To build brain cells you need fatty acids. Two kinds of fatty acids are considered "essential," which means you must get these essential fatty acids (EFAs) from the food you eat. Your body cannot manufacture them. The first essential fatty acid you need is Alpha-linolenic acid (ALA). ALA is the foundation of the "omega-3" family of fatty acids. Food sources of omega-3 ALA include flax seeds, chia seeds, walnuts, sea vegetables, and green leafy vegetables. The second essential fatty acid you need is Linoleic acid (LA). LA is the foundation of the "omega-6" family of fatty acids. Food sources of omega-6 LA include expeller cold-pressed sunflower, safflower, corn, and sesame oils.
How You Make DHA From ALA and LA, your brain can make (docosahexaenoic acid) DHA and (arachidonic acid) AA the longer chained fatty acids that are incorporated in its cell membranes. These more complex fatty acids are also available, preformed, directly from food. This is important, because the brain's ability to assemble these fatty acids can be compromised by stress, infections, alcohol, excess sugar, and vitamin or mineral deficiencies – factors common today.
Effects of DHA Loss DHA (docosahexaenoic acid) is the most abundant fat in the brain. Loss in DHA concentrations in brain cell membranes correlates to a decline in structural and functional integrity of this tissue. Also, the oxidative damage that comes with age causes a decline in membrane DHA concentrations, and with it, cognitive impairment.
The much-maligned saturated fats which Americans are trying to avoid are not the cause of our modern diseases. In fact, they play many important roles in the body chemistry. Saturated fatty acids constitute at least 50% of the cell membranes. They are what gives our cells necessary stiffness and integrity.
They play a vital role in the health of our bones. For calcium to be effectively incorporated into the skeletal structure, at least 50% of the dietary fats should be saturated. They lower Lp(a), a substance in the blood that indicates proneness to heart disease. They protect the liver from alcohol and other toxins, such as Tylenol. They enhance the immune system. They are needed for the proper utilization of essential fatty acids.
Elongated omega-3 fatty acids are better retained in the tissues when the diet is rich in saturated fats. Saturated 18-carbon stearic acid and 16-carbon palmitic acid are the preferred foods for the heart, which is why the fat around the heart muscle is highly saturated. The heart draws on this reserve of fat in times of stress.
Short- and medium-chain saturated fatty acids have important antimicrobial properties. They protect us against harmful micro-organisms in the digestive tract. The scientific evidence, honestly evaluated, does not support the assertion that "artery-clogging" saturated fats cause heart disease. Actually, evaluation of the fat in artery clogs reveals that only about 26% is saturated. The rest is unsaturated, of which more than half is polyunsaturated.
I don't know whether this is right or not. But I remember at the time it made me think more about it. I'm sure there are lots of sources that will say different things. I left out more of this because I didn't want to take up too much space with it, but I also had the bad things about saturated fats and also the role of fats for people with depression and bipolar disorder.
Hope you are all having a good night/start to the day.
Though I didn't meant to stuff it up, I got the wrong packet of stuff. Instead of flax seeds, I bought ground flax seeds. I mean, hello, one is seeds and one is not and Michael clearly wrote 'seeds'.
I will forgive my poor brain though because although I have eaten every other meal and snack today, when I went shopping, I was still all dizzy and off in planet somewhere else. I am about to have dinner. We are having chicken mini roasts and roast vegies tonight. I'm scared a little but I will eat it.
I am not going to spend the next week with no brain because I didn't feed it enough.
Sarah, you are my inspiration, I want to be recovered like you! So eat I must, although I'm scared. I am not going back to Cecily on Tuesday and Michael on Wednesday with another failure. Even if it's small steps, steps they will be.
Firstly thank you to each and every one of you for your comments and support. It means so much to mean, you can't imagine. Thank you! Jennifer, yes I do go to Tree of Life. It's funny how close you are to people on here. I don't normally tell anyone where I am but that's okay. I am not trying to hide anymore.
I had a horrifying moment this morning that only occured to me an hour ago when I was coming home from my appointment with Michael. I will tell you about that in a moment but I need to describe to you my frame of mine. I was sure he was going to weigh me and I was freaking out about it. I was looking for something really light and had decided that I wanted a slice of toast, not enough I know but I wanted to be thin enough for him to believe I needed his help. I found myself searching through our bin, looking for the packet of bread I threw in there yesterday because it had one slice left in it. Yesterday it was too small for my sandwich, so I threw it out. I am standing talking to Andy and I am anxious and so I freak him out by looking through the bin. In the end I had bowl of milk with enough cherios on the top to appear like it was a bowl of cereal. I feel so ashamed that I went through the bin. Luckily I didn't find the bread. But I clearly wasn't thinking. I ate and drank nothing more until I saw Michael and he didn't weigh me. He does that sometimes, he won't weigh me when I've not eaten but will when I have eaten, which makes me just want to not eat every time I see him.
The meeting was positive. I don't recall everything because I was so fuzzy and dizzy that I couldn't concentrate. I cried and he is going to get in contact with Cecily. I was going to actually see Michael once and then swap to Desi but decided not to do that. He has give me three goals I have to do before seeing him on Wednesday morning next week
1. Eat breakfast every day and eat it all and add flax seeds to my oats as well
2. Eat the whole of my nut bar for my morning snack and don't throw any away
3. No more than 2 weigh-ins or less a day and he will reduce this later
(one on the side, tell Andy everything)
I found out from Andy that he was very worried last night when I had a bowl of vegies and that was it except for a few mouthfull of sweet and sour pork. I said sorry and he was happy I saw Michael I think. Michael said I have to see him weekly and he is going to go slower with me. I think he realised and I can tell he is better since a year ago. I think everyone has that works with me has to realise I need slow changes, because any other type of change makes me freak out and I panic and the cycle starts again. I also realised that I have been feeling rather worthless lately because I don't have a proper job. I cried yesterday on the train and I cried this morning on the way to see Michael.
I know I will get better. When I left Michael I ate my nut bar and I bought a café latté on skim and drank most of it, I left a small amout because the bus I was going to catch was coming and you can take coffee onto buses. I then drank a small tetra container of V8. I felt better, though when emailing Michael, Cecily and Dr M before, I kept sending stuff to the wrong person and Michael ended up with four emails and one of them recalled. I just can't think yet. For lunch I had a ceaser salad, but I know it still wasn't quite enough. I am struggling at the moment to know what is enough and what isn't. It's difficult.
I am going to go shopping for a bit and then I am off to read your blogs.
P.S. I found this picture somewhere on the net and it's called the Ship of Hope. I like that name and I think the picture is cool too!
So this time in 12 hours I will be on my way to see Michael, my old/new dietitian. A bit of background first. He is a nice guy. He is overly cheerful. He really wanted to help me a year ago, but I was his first ED patient and he pushed too hard too fast. The good thing is that Toni, the receptionist, said if I find it difficult with Michael, Desi is still happy to see me, she just couldn't see me tomorrow. I will see how I feel, I don't know what I will do. Things could be different for me with Michael this time. I dumped him after a large number of embarrasing freak outs and cancelling appointments and then a manic episode where I said things that I can't remember and am totally embarrased about.
The rest of today went okay. I didn't eat enough, I can tell by how my hands are shaking and I am ashamed about that. I did manage to get a big bowl of vegies for dinner and a small amount of sweet and sour pork, not enough protein at all and no carbs. I didn't eat all my lunch. I didn't have an afternoon snack. I only ate half of my morning snack. I think the fear is just crippling me right now. I know once the initial meeting with Michael is over, I will feel more relaxed. To follow up I have Cecily on Tuesday. I am so happy that I'm seeing her again. I really wished I could have seen her today but I didn't want to have two days in a row with a longer lunch time at work. Sue is stressed out enough right now.
I'm feeling a little more hopeful though. When I know what is happening tomorrow, then I can plan. Right now I'm sort of falling to pieces, but I will pick those pieces up. I am going to give myself a break tonight and I will re-assess where I am at in the morning. I will do this. It's just not working how I had hoped. I guess I was expecting once I decided I wanted recovery that it wouldn't be as hard as this. I wasn't expected to fall in a heap so soon. I didn't expect that I would go backwards to the extent I have. Though I guess I am aware of it and I am trying to get help. I need help. I realise this is not something you can do alone. It takes a team. I will put the team in place and hopefull we can work together well. I know there are going to be many more bumps. I have so many fears and I guess I need to pull each one out and look at it and see how it sits in the mess that is my ED.
I want to thank all of you, for reading, for commenting and for thinking of me. You will never know how much you all mean to me. You make me feel happy and I will do this. I realise now it's a bigger task than I originally thought. I know many of you have been through it and are out the other side. I take my hat of to you. I don't know how you managed, but I will too.
I am on the brink of tears. I am fighting them. I don't want to cry because I am sitting at the front desk of this big institute I am working at. Desi didn't ring me. She had to go out and then because she is so popular I couldn't see her until next Thursday. So I asked to see Michael again and the receptionist Toni, was really good. I started to cry when I spoke to her and she will talk to Michael for me before tomorrow. I am seeing him at 10:30am. I am terrified. ED is screaming and I just want to go somewhere dark, a little hole and bawl my eyes out. I'm so so tired and I'm so so sick of this. It is hurting too much for me to be able to bear it at the moment. I only ate half of my morning snack and threw the rest out. I'm not happy about this. This is really really hard. I feel like someone has taken over my body and my brain is saying no, don't throw it out, you know you need it but my body is betraying me! I hate ED with all my heart and I hate that he is doing this to me and I feel so powerless to stop it. I feel like I am letting everyone down, in life and on here for feeling the way I do and I feel like you must all be so sick me and this stuff that comes out of my brain. I want to be free so so so bad. I know I can and I know how, but I am stuck right now. I know it won't be like this forever, it will get better, but why can't it be better NOW!
So this morning I have been very anxious, still am. I phoned the place where I used to see Michael the dietitian and the receptionist had just got my email. She suggested Desi because she specialises in EDs where Michael doesn't. There were not any appointments tomorrow but the receptionist is getting Desi to call me because she said I sounded desperate and they are going to try and squeeze me in. Desi will most likely call in the next 2 hours sometime. I'm terrified. Desi is also the director of the place I am going to.
I can't concentrate today but I think because I know that I will most likely be assessed by Desi tomorrow. ED is in my head and telling me to do some really unhelpful things (don't want to trigger) so my weight doesn't appear too bad. I'm saying to me, well why don't I just not eat, or eat very little, so that I am a really low weight and then she will want to help me because I'm too fat for help. I told Andy last night I needed to see a dietitian and he was fine with that.
I'll let you all know how it goes and I really am going to try and ignore ED because he sucks!
Some truths. ED has taken over and I've let him, not even tried to stop him, even quite happily done so. How do I feel about this. Well, I have no idea. I'm torn is probably the best way to describe it. I'm thinking of what would be best for me, how I can keep moving forward but I just don't know. I'm really over these roller coaster days, though I know if I'm serious about wanting to do something about ED, it is going to get worse before it gets better, not that I want it to get worse mind you. So lets be honest. I have just lost every scrap of weight I put on over the last few weeks, in only 4 days. ED is so happy I feel like slapping him and might actually do so later on when I go to bed, oh and this is after I tell him he is a loser! I cut down my snacks even more today and then to top it off, I cut down dinner. Something popped into my head though that might help, I don't have a dietician. I'm wondering whether this would help with some of the food choices and things and help me to make good choices, so I can stay at a stable weight but not put on weight at the same time, be healthy. I had this dietician last year and dumped him the same time as I dumped my last psychologist. I'm wondering whether or not this would be a good thing to do, I suspect it would be. I have some thinking to do. I will let you all know what happens, but I need help and I can't go on like this. It's frustrating and it's horrible and I hate it. I want to be healthy.