Wednesday, March 31, 2010

fear

Thanks to all of you who have left me comments over the last few days. I'm sorry I have been around so much or haven't commented so much. Also hello to my new followers, you guys are awesome. Thank you for reading. I hope I don't bore you senseless.

I am not really looking forward to tomorrow, but I am in another strange way. I want to see Kerry, the new dietitian and start getting things back on track, but I just hate the whole having to start all over again thing. I don't want to get my expectations up, but then I know that Caitlin knows what she is doing. Today was kind of a bit strange. Although I haven't restricted as much as yesterday, I have still restricted some. I skipped snacks or only ate a small amount and threw the rest away. I am hoping that after the first appointment I will be feeling better and with Kerry wanting to work on the anxiety surrounding the food, that sounds like a good start. I need to get some guidelines in place for the water and I am just really hoping to get things on the way to starting to get sorted out. This is just a quick update, so I'm hoping my fear in the morning isn't too high. I hope that I can at least eat breakfast. I know I won't drink water because I am terrified of the whole weighing thing. I know she will weigh me, but I am sure she will weigh me backwards.

I have Cecily on Saturday too, which I am so happy about. I did lots of homework for her last night, so I'm hoping it will all be okay and she will be happy with me too. Tomorrow there is a lunch. I hate lunches. I don't want to go but I've already paid the money. Wish I could just say I don't feel like going and have heaps of work to do, but I don't and they know that. I guess I will just have to play it by ear. So not looking forward to tomorrow :-(

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

not on so much

Firstly, thank you to all of you for your comments over the last few days. Today has not been the best of days. And because of that I ended up calling the dietitian that Caitlin gave me the name of, Kerry. I missed a call from her and rang her back but missed her and then a few hours later I end up calling her and getting her. I realised this morning that no, I am not going to make it until 10 April when my appointment with Rachael was. I still have that appointment in case Kerry doesn't work out, but she is easier to get to.

Kerry and I talked for about 10 minutes and I told her what I was looking for. She said that she understands the incredible anxiety that comes with an ED and that if we can try and get some things in place that would be good. Then she asked me something that I was happy with. She asked me if I had a psychiatrist and a psychologist and she was very happy when I said yes. That is a plus because Michael never really cared about that. He never wanted to know about that, it was all about the education and if I had that, I would be fine.

My appointment with Kerry is at 8:30am on thursday morning. Today was a bad food day. I had breakfast and then skipped until I couldn't think. I think by lunch time I was up to bottle of water number six. I nearly fainted at one point and got really dizzy and I hardly said a word all morning. Once I forced my lunch down, I started to think better and I was able to cope with the afternoon. I had a chocolate egg and then I had a bit of toast and I think then I was feeling okay. I am very nervous about thursday and I know that I will most likely restrict a bit until afterwards.

Part of the reason for coming on tonight too was to say that I may not be able to get on here at nights for the next day or so. I am going to try and spend it with Andy and do some homework and try and put some things in place so I can get through the next few days. I hope you guys won't be offended if I'm not around so much over the next few days. Mornings for me are good as I sit with tea and read, but I may miss a few of your posts for a few days and then I will catch up.

*hugs*
Sarah

P.S. hopefully I can be creative in that time :-)

getting from now to then

I know my post was very positive last night and don't get me wrong, I do so badly want to get better and recover completely. The problem for me though now, is getting through until 10 April. My OCD behaviours with my ED are so bad right now. I caught myself in a moment this morning when I was making my oatmeal. I put the oatmeal in and that's great and felt fine, because it's measured already. I measured the milk and then poured it clockwise starting from the outside to the inside. I then got my spoon and made sure every bit was floating in milk. I heat it and then I add the unprocessed bran, two tablespoons. The next bit kinda gets me, I then pour a small amount of milk over the top of the bran, because it's dry but don't measure it and for some reason, that rule is okay. I mash all the bran in by folding it in from the outside in and doing it clockwise. Then I put some honey in it. I then realise that there is too much milk and I don't want to eat it. I have images in my head telling me to throw it out because it will taste bad. It did taste bad but I still ate it. All of this happens in five minutes, but my brain draws it out. Ugh!

The other thing I'm a little worried about is the water. Who would have thought a water hater would turn into a water lover. I know I'm using it to keep hunger away, I'll admit that, but it's also that I do like it. I think this is why I had to let Michael go, because he gave me nothing to build around the water, no structure, nothing! So now I'm stuck with a stupid water obsession as well. Let's hope I do okay today!

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, March 29, 2010

new dietitian

I had quite a topsy turvy day. I have drank way too much water and I have worried and restricted. Just before lunch I thought to myself, this can't go on. Michael doesn't get it. I don't feel like he pushes me, there are no pushing of trying to change the way my food is. Yeah, he makes me look stuff up, but then we never go anywhere with it. He has no clue with EDs, otherwise he wouldn't even have thought to give me a range of numbers weight wise, that is between point something to point something, within the same kg of numbers. You just DON'T do that. So I rang the Eating Disorders Association and basically said to them that I needed to find a new dietitian. I told them some of the things that had happened with Michael and they too thought it wasn't too good.

I got the names of five people, all who are very experienced in EDs. One of the names just jumped out at me, so I rang her first. I got her mobile and I left a very detailed message and gave her my work number and said I may not be able to say these things at my desk but if she knew them now, then I am happy answering questions. Her name is Rachael and although she isn't really that close to me, she is super easy to get to and works on Saturdays. I really liked her on the phone and she said that with eating disorders patients, the first session is for an hour. I got the number of the medical centre she works from and told her I would think about it and get back to her.

Then I ended up chatting to Caitlin and it turns out that she used to be anorexic. She also gave me some names of the people that helped her and she was really supportive all day. I didn't eat much and I even emailed Cecily and she is super happy I spoke to Andy. I think she is okay with me seeing a new dietitian too after I explained why. So, I have my first appointment with Rachael on 10 April. One really cool thing, is that I have to go past this massive scrapbooking shop to get to her clinic and Caitlin said we should have coffee when I go there because she lives on the way. Tanya even asked me what was wrong today and then when I had a slice of toast this afternoon, I got comments from people saying that that was good. I had no idea it was that obvious!

I feel so much better. I have a plan. I know where I want to go and it is the opposite direction to ED and to do that, I need to be challenged. I need to be pushed. If not, I will never get better. This state I'm is not what I want my life to be. I want to be happy, with Andy, in a nice house of our own, with two cats, a job I love, lots of crafty things around me and a life and one that I'm proud of. Not something I have to hide from because I am ashamed of what others will think of me. Not worried about my belly. There is so much out there that I haven't done yet and I'll be damned if I'm going to let ED take another five years of my life. NO WAY! I want to live, this is not because I have to, but because I want to!

I will be free! 

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, March 28, 2010

dinner and honesty

Dinner was kind of tough tonight. I just can't tell what a normal sized portion is anymore. I heated what I had, then thought it wasn't enough, so added some more, then ate it. I didn't feel over full, just okay and then I ate the chick. I immediately felt bad. So I threw out my mineral water (like that so makes sense) because it was full fat and I got freaked out for a second! So I come upstairs and I tell Andy how I feel. I say, I think I ate the right amount but I'm not sure, I can't tell and I ate the chick and now I'm thinking I shouldn't have and I'm fat.

I decided to some homework which was called urge surfing. For me, urge surfing is where you mindfully observe the urge to restrict food intake, weigh-in, use laxatives and engage in other problematic eating behaviours. You have to step back from your experience and use mindfulness skills, including non-judgemental observing and describing of urges and preoccupation. This is what I wrote.

I just ate dinner and I feel the urge to panic because when I heated my food I didn't think it looked like enough food for a normal person to eat, so I added a bit. I ate it all and I felt comfortable afterwards. Then I ate a chocolate chick egg and I think I shouldn't have done that. I feel the urge to restrict tomorrow because I ate too much today. My belly is enormous. I had half a glass of mineral water but couldn't finish it. I threw the rest out when I ate the chick because it felt like it would make my calories for the day higher. I feel the urge to try and figure out how many calories I ate but I won't because it will only make my urges stronger. I worry that I can no longer judge how much food is normal for a normal person and I feel like running too and away from nutritional help because I don't want to be pushed too fast too quick.

Andy read this and he questioned me on a few things. He told me it didn't make sense to throw out the mineral water and he said, without even meaning to, you are adding up calories in your head. You are doing it all the time and you don't realise it. He said when you estimate you have had too much, you stop eating. Even if you don't know exactly how many calories it was, you have enough knowledge of calories to know round about how much it was. He said you just ate dinner, chocolate, a bit of cheese and some mineral water and I have round about figure on what that is. I sat there for a minute and thought about this and I realised he is right. Then the craziest ever though jumped into my head. He looked at me and said what and I said "I forgot to count the cheese". He looked at me for a minute and I said, I don't mean to do it, it's just that I know what I have eaten and I can't help it. I have learnt how to convert kj to calories and I guess this is a really really bad thing. I don't even realise I am counting. He then said to me, why does your weight bother you and I said because you might not like me if I was fat. He then said he doesn't care if I was fat or thin, he loves me the way I am. He then asked me to describe the body shape of a 'normal' person. I did so and he said I was way off. He said that what I see as normal, is lot thinner than what normal is. He said for someone my age, I am very small. He said granted I am also petite but I am way way off with my reality of what is normal.

I asked him if it bothered him if I told him this stuff and he said no, that he liked to know what I am thinking about it all. Then he said, he married me because of who I am and not what I look like. I am so glad I told him this stuff. It really helped to read him all of my homework and then let him read what I had done tonight on it. It keeps me practising and it also makes sure I do my homework because he will be checking on me.

I am so lucky to have such an awesome husband, how cares about me and wants to help. I will beat this because I want to. Crafting today helped me so much. I loved the results (on my other blog) so much. I am so proud of the outcomes and I got ink on me and glue on me and got to play with my cricut after not playing with it for so long. I'm happy! The chick was good by the way, just wish I didn't have to panic about it afterwards.

*hugs*
Sarah

talking about it to Andy

Thank you so much jadedchalice for your advice and for making me feel a little better and knowing it's not just me. I think that chocolate chick's hours are numbered :-)

After I posted my last post, I ended up going in to the bedroom where Andy was lazing around. He immediately asked what was wrong and gave me a list of things I had been doing, like not eating. I burst into tears and I said that I am sick of running around trying to get rid of this ED and it feels like it is never going to get better and I just wish I could go back to the myself of nearly 5 years ago and tell myself to never go on that diet. I said if I only knew how hard it would be to break free, I would never have done it.

Then Andy and I talked about Michael and I said I felt like he didn't give me any direction the last time I saw him and of course I wanted to dump him. Then he asked me about my food rules and we started to talk about my sessions with Cecily. I grabbed my folder and we went through all of the handouts that she has ever given me and we talked about what things meant and how I should deal with them and what my homework is this week. I feel so much better as I was able to get all this off my chest.

I think I'm just going to make Sue's card this afternoon because it will give me something to do and it will be fun! I will post it in my other blog though.

*hugs*
Sarah

confession

I am struggling right now with ED. I have been keeping it a secret because I really don't know what to do about it. I'm struggling with Michael right now because some of the things he has mentioned to me have sending up red flags. The first one is that he doesn't want me to take a fibre supplement to help with the constipation I get and wants me to get this all through my food. Well I just know this ain't going to happen and I figure I'd be much better off having the supplement if I know I won't get it through food, than just constantly getting constipated. So I spoke to the pharmacist who I have known for a long time and he said that if I have problems with actually being able to go to the toilet, the fibre won't help. He said the nulax bars are good and okay to keep taking as they are basically dried fruit bars.

I also know I have dropped my food intake. I have had a 90g chocolate chick on my desk next to my computer for over 24 hours now and I can't bring myself to eat it. I have picked it up and looked at it but I just can't seem to allow myself to have it. My hunger cues are all messed up too. So I'm not getting hungry and when I do eat, I'm not eating nutritionally, I'll eat something that I like instead. Like for lunch today I had two pieces of toast with light philly cheese spread on it. I would normally have 1/2 an avocado, ham or salami and cheese, but I look at these things and I'm serious when I say I'm having issues with them. I don't know why. I am feeling enormous as well. I don't know my weight thankfully, as I feel I have packed it on. I try to do reality testing on this but it's not working. My brain isn't thinking as well either because I am having throuble concentrating. I am feeling bad when I do eat what I think is too much because I feel I will become heavy and people will be embarrased by me.

I don't know if Andy has noticed. I think he has but I haven't got the guts to talk to him about it. I think the trigger for this mini relapse was ditching diet coke. All of a sudden I don't have it and I have had to change some things. I don't like this. I find it hard to change and I have drunk diet coke for as long as I can remember in my adult life. I don't miss the diet coke, but I wasn't expecting the problems that the water would bring up. I love the water, which is great, but I like it too much. Yesterday afternoon I was getting hungry because I skipped my afternoon snack, so I just had more water and the hunger went away. I know this is not a good sign. I feel like someone has thrown me in the river without first telling me how to swim. I don't like it!

I have no idea what to do, as I won't see Michael again for three weeks. I'm having the 'I don't trust him' feelings right now too. This is frustrating as I don't see a way forward that is comfortable and there should be a way. I just don't know it. Can't see it and wish that this would go away!

*hugs*
Sarah




Saturday, March 27, 2010

the Caitlin sign

Hey guys, if you want to have a look at the images I have in mind to cut out for my sign for Caitlin, the lovely lady who has been helping me ED wise and also keeping me entertained with how funny she is, at work, you can see these on my other blog, click here!

the things you find in a museum

There were some wierd things in there. I will only show you a couple of pics, a few of them made me laugh. So yesterday, although stressful weren't all bad.

This is Andy's new right hand man. He is getting a new guy starting on Monday as his assistant and he keeps telling people that the new guy has started and he's single if the ladies are interested, lol.

now you can't see what these gems are this far away, so I will show you the close ups of them. These are sitting on Andy's table in his office.

Yes, these are actually nipple shields for sore nipples, I think this is hilarious!!!!

Yes, you read this right, artificial semen. I also found this quite funny :-P

The things you find in museums. There was one thing I took a photo of that I think is too yucky to go in here. It is of a finger tip, with the tendon attached. Andy right now is showing the students that come through this jar and saying 'this is what happens when you tell people to "pull my finger" too much'! Needless to say, the students love Andy!

Having a better day today. I spoke to Cecily and we came up with some ideas to help me deal with stress. More on that in another post. 

Oh and Lila, I promise to get to that post you tagged me for sometime today (I hope)!

*hugs*
Sarah

short post

Thank you guys for your comments, if you look in the comments box for my last post, you will find a response to each of you :-)

Never hug a bear all night, you end up with a sore armpit, lol! I didn't realise I had done that. I was feeling really awful when I went to bed at the very early time of 8pm and just grabbed Soloman and hugged him all night. He is a perfect fit for cuddling. I loved cuddling Harold too but he was so small, I often lost him in the night. Anyway, enough of my crazy need to cuddle bears at my age.

Today is going to be better. I don't care if I have to force the day to be good, but it will be good. I have a phone in session with Cecily this morning in a few hours and then I am off shopping again to find a pair of Crocs the same as my current ones. The strap that goes around the back is about to bust, so I need to find them! I love these shoes and I can now even wear them to work, which is cool, because it's so laid back there.

Will let you guys know how it goes with Cecily. I'm going to work on some digi scrapping which I hope to put in my new blog and some more photos today to put in there. I also have some funny photos to put in here from my trip to the museum that Andy is curator at. Will post those ones here. Love the image I found below, found in photobucket.

*hugs*
Sarah


Friday, March 26, 2010

Stressful day

My stress levels today went through the roof. It started off not the best, with me rushing and forgetting things, having to come back home, making Andy miss his train because he was waiting for me. It didn't get better. There was one bright spot though, I found another gorgeous plush friend. He is a polar bear with a red scarf called Soloman.

I was wondering through the hospital newsagency and he was with all the other bears. Thing is, I have had Harold now for about a year and 2 months and I always fall asleep with him next to me, but he is getting very floppy and I don't want him to fall apart. I have been worrying about this now for a few weeks and it doesn't help me sleep (sad I know at my age)! Soloman is very floppy and soft and when I think of him, he is sleepy and slow and perfect for getting off to sleep.

I had my appointment with the pain clinic for a review and that went well. I then went into the city to buy the new shoes to replace the ones that are too small. First I decided to go change my drivers license name and that was easy, all done and then found a bank I had to change a card at that I didn't know was in the city. I go in and give them my marriage certificate to copy and all I have to do is sign the bit of paper they will scan in. I stuff it up and ask for another one. The guy goes looking for one and brings it over and I stuff it up again. I start apologising and saying that my last name started with R and so does Andy's, so it's really hard. He goes over again and brings me another slip and would you know it, I do the same thing. I start to get really anxious and I'm sweating and shaking, which does not help. He brings over a wad of the things and suggests I pracitce before I do the next one and goes away. He's not mad, just trying to give me space because he knows I am getting upset. I do end up practising and I finally get it right and practically run out of there.

I then end up in Myer looking for shoes and there was a 25% off sale. I found a pair of shoes and it was so crazy I had to ask them to hold them for me so I could go see Michael. I realise that it's nearly 1pm and I haven't eaten since 8am. Hadn't noticed, the water is filling me up, I realise I am shaking and dizzy and that it's because of lack of food. I get a pumpkin seek, salad, avocado and cheese roll and some water, though I do have a freddo frog.

I get the public transport to Michael and I go into the waiting room. There is a really loud couple in there and they are pretending to fight, you can tell it's just a joke. It starts to stress me out. I can't read my book and Michael is running late and they are next. I put my book away and put my ipod on really loud. I can still see the couple fighting out of the corner of my eye. I get agitated. My leg starts to shake up and down really badly. Jingling up and down, up and down, quickly enough that my leg is getting tired. The guy goes in. Another lady comes in. Then the loud lady starts talking to the new lady. I have taken my ipod off when the guy goes in as it's making it worse. She starts talking about fat, calories, low fat food, putting on weight. I get worse. In the end I say to Toni, I'm sitting outside. I can still hear her. Ugh! Michael comes right then and I practically run into his office and he asks how I am, I say how I felt about that couple. He tells me that he and Cecily have agreed that my anorexic thoughts are usually brought on by stress. Today is the prime example. He says that he wants me to try a natural supplement that is a calming agent and has said he has tried it and so has his fiancé and that he has talked to Cecily about it and also he asks for my medication so he can check with the rep that there are no interactions. He said it's not on the PBS but it's not too expensive and it's good for getting to sleep and a general calming agent.

Then he says I'm drinking too much water. That I can only have 4-5 bottles a day. I confess that I am counting water. Not in a calorie way, but in a bottle way. A neurotic if that bottle isn't finished, I have to have that exact amount to make up the exact 600ml and then I can go to bottle number (insert number here). I have gone all OCD on my water drinking. Today was worse than normal. Bottle number five didn't count, because I only had a small amount and tipped it out. I found that the juice has been reacting with the bottle and leaving yucky residue inside that tastes bad. I can't drink a glass of water. I don't know how much the glass holds. I could measure it but then Andy would know how OCD I have become with the water thing. So I'm having alcoholic apple cider because that is SO much better than water !

I get into the city, it's too loud. The noise is making it so I can't think properly. I have a few inappropriate moments where I swear at nothing and generally look like a looney. I have an appointment for a massage that I don't go to because the noise is making me loose my concentration and it's not headache loud but kinda manic/psychotic loud that I hate. I get stressed and have to get out of the city, but end up in other shops, trying to explain things I am looking for but can't. Feel awful. Upset Andy all the way home and am still tense. I can feel it in my arms and shoulders.

Soloman is in for a bug cuddle tonight! I hope your days were better than mine!

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, March 25, 2010

and she still tries

Thank you so much to all of you for your lovely messages. I really love you guys! I love getting my messages on my blackberry while I am out or at work! You guys rock!

So I am still waiting to get the money back from Tanya for those pills I decided not to get. I got to work this morning and she puts this book in front of me and tells me she wants me to read it. I look at it and I ask what it is. It is a book about how these 'colon cleanse' tablets are supposed to work and all about the guy that created them and I'm like great - NOT! I say, I don't read books like this, I read fiction, I have no attention span for this and I say, will you get mad if I say I don't want to read it and she said no, so I say, I don't want to read it. I am happy with the way things are and I want to keep things the same with my treatment team. Then she mutters how she will give me my money back today, which she didn't. I think she was waiting for me to not be able to keep the water up and completely freak out and ask her to give me the pills anyway. I think that's why I have been waiting for 7 days now for my money. I can't believe this. I then find out that she uses this stuff once a month for religious reasons, not that I have anything against religion but... you know, leave me and my business alone! Not happy!

On a brighter note, Caitlin is awesome. The more I get to know her, the more I want to know her. I am making her a 'Caitlin' sign for her desk with all my sudden burst of creativity over the weekend. I am not at work tomorrow as I have a review with the pain clinic in the morning to see how I am going after being on Gabapentin for nearly 6 months now. Then I have an appointment with Michael and then I am buying new shoes, to replace the ones I bought that are too small :-(  I have to get my licence changed with my new last name after getting married and let me tell you, it is SO hard to sign it right. The first time I signed was at the bank and I signed it wrong straight away. It's harder because Andy's last name starts with the same letter as my last name, but it's much shorter at only 4 letters, where my old name was 10. You'd think it would be easier! I'm dreading the first time that someone calls my new name out and I don't notice it. It's so weird hearing people at work calling me by my new name! Well, it has only been two weeks tomorrow. I am going to take my camera too tomorrow, so will try and take lots of photos!

Okay, off to read your blogs!

*hugs*
Sarah

P.S. Tomorrow I don't have to leave until an hour or so after I would normally leave, so I am going to try some colour splash with the new graphics tablet I am testing to see if we want it. Here are some more of these gorgeous photos I found on photobucket (these are not my photos). So wish me luck and I will post up my attempt. I am going to do the photo of Ziggy down the side of my blog and make it all black and white, except his bow! What colour do you guys think his bow should be? Here's that colour splash!




[edit] if you want to see some nature and still life pics taken by both Andy and I, you can see them at my other blog! It was fun looking through them and picking the ones to put up :-)

there are

There are photos everywhere you look! This world is so amazingingly beautiful and I am soaking it up as I make my way to work today. I wish I had my camera. I am taking it tomorrow.

*hugs*
Sarah

yesterday

Yesterday was kind of stressful, which is why I had that meltdown. At work Kevin was pissing everyone off like he normally does but me more so. I was putting the dishes away and he told me I am not being paid to put the dishes away, that I am there to do stuff to keep him and Pauline free and doing stuff that is really important. That I am only there for 3 months and there is no possible chance at all of getting that extended. It made me really angry. Then he just talked about bullshit all morning, all I could hear was his voice. We are all in the same open plan office. I just about had it, I was thinking that I should just look for a new job right now. Then I emailed Tanya and told her and she told me not to listen to anything he says, she is higher up in the food chain than him. I ran over to her and she said that no one knows what will happen in three months, not even the regional manager because they need to see the budget and if they can keep us. Then she said to try and block him out and that now that it's lunch time, to go for a walk. Where I work, there is nothing close by except a cemetary, yeah I did think of hiding in there, lol, would have been quieter. So I can't find anywhere to eat my lunch, so I sit in a bus shelter. Five minutes later Craig walks past going in the direction of work and asks me if I'm heading off home. Craig is the manager for another one of our offices but was at our office for the day and he is really nice. I said no and that I'm hiding! Wished I hadn't said it but I did.

I then thought, I need to do some relaxation, so I get out my ipod and listen to Leaves on a Stream, which is another mindfulness one. It was really good and it's the CD Cecily lent me and I got so relaxed and felt like I'd had valium, was feeling all dowsy and calm. This guy's voice is amazing. I go back to work and Pauline said that Craig told her that I was sitting in a bus shelter eating my lunch and it was fine but they thought that was funny, which was okay. I felt in a better frame of mind to deal with Kevin in the afternoon and then Caitlin did some funny things. She went out to see a client and couldn't get the key out of the ignition of the deisel engine car and had to call work and ask one of the guys what to do it, everyone was cracking up laughing and stuff so I sent her a text message to say she will be fine and big deep breaths. In the afternoon she walked into a door she was walking past and then she starts throwing lollies/sweets around the room. I show her my calendar I made that is on my desk at work and she looked at ever picture and commented on them and then said that I am very talented. There is a morning tea I will miss on friday as I have the day off so today I am taking in her some mud chocolate biscuits that I know she will love and I made her a little card with a cute little heat embossed teddy bear and wrote her a 'I'm sorry I won't be there note but here are some yummy biscuits'.

I think buying the biscuits started the panic and I also bought a packet of very tiny easter eggs for the girls at work. I then last night had a glass of full fat normal mineral water and scared the crap out of me and ED is in my head saying now you must drink more water because you are just crap! Then I run upstairs and take laxatives, even though I don't need them anymore, hearing maladaptive behaviours coming from Cecily's mouth when I chat to her on saturday? Don't worry, I was thinking it too.

I want to be creative and happy and funny! I don't want to be empty and sad and feel like I am nothing. I need to remember that I don't need to do that stuff, I just need to be me and be happy with that. I slept well last night and I am going to try and get through the day. 

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

trying to be brave

I am feeling a little scared tonight. Not because anything bad happened but because I had a good day. Doesn't that sound stupid. Caitlin is awesome and we actually are getting on hugely, however, she makes me eat more and I've realised that I have had an all over the place day with food. I'm not feeling safe with this. I think I need to do the meal plan until I can get all this stuff sorted, like knowing how much water Michael wants me to have etc etc. For the first time in my life I feel like running to the bathroom and puking (and not in a I feel sick way). I feel like I just want to bury myself in ink for a while. I don't feel happy, although I was 30 minutes ago :-(

ED even showed me this lovely picture of Andy dying and me getting depressed and me getting too skinny and me getting sick and me running away and hiding and stopping my medication of me living on the streets and me getting caught and because I stopped my medication, not only am I psychotically manic, but I'm seriously anorexic and me being caught and taken by police car to hospital, of not eating and then being made to have tube and of pulling it out over and over like my friend Jen used to do and me and me and me and me and me..................... and so it goes!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

it's not all about me

I was tired and kinda cranky all morning at work, so I just didn't talk. I do this when I am not feeling too good. At one point I was in the kitchen tipping out a cup of coffee, with Caitlin watching with a raised eyebrow. Since she knows about the ED and is 'watching me' and is such a lovely person, I just said, that it didn't taste as good as the one I made this morning and that the taste of the water, which is really good, is kind of screwing with my head a bit because I am really craving water. I am going to have a chat to Michael about this on Friday.

So then I went back to my quietness and after lunch felt okay enough to contribute to conversation. I was feeling really good until Kevin pissed me off, he is so damn annoying, I really don't like him, he craps on and on about stuff no one wants to hear and he pisses everyone off. He had left the room and Tanya made a comment about how she is used to her own office and how it's noisey and how 'they have verbal diarrheoa'. I thought about this for a second and I realised I had been talking a lot and I though if it had been Kevin who pissed her off, she would have said his name because he wasn't in the room. So I think she is talking about me and I just get up and leave the room and when I come back in, I have completely shut down and refuse to join in to the coversation at all unless it's about work. When I left for home I got a few comments that were friendly, like jokes but I hardly responded and just shut the door behind me.

Now that I am writing this, I so think I was wrong. I think Tanya was talking about Kevin, because Caitlin is new and Ben are new and she probably doesn't want to say anything out of place. I don't understand why I thought this was about me since I hardly talked all day. Then I meet Andy and I was so angry at Tanya for talking about me and I even looked online for other government jobs. That's so crazy. I have to learn to not be so paranoid. It's hard though. I feel so badly about myself sometimes that I think all bad things said are my fault or all about me. I feel better writing this, getting it out. It's a relief.

So what were they teasing me about when I left, the fact that I have a food drawer in my desk and they were giggling that I have a food bag and that I bring more food in every day. Hello ED here! I hoard food. I bought some philly cheese spread and I'm taking in bread so I can have toast on my pumpkin seed bread. I bought a box of skim shachets of latté coffee thingies, yum! Tomorrow I am also taking in some honey. I bet I cope it tomorrow, lol! I should open a shop and start selling the stuff.

Beginning of this post I felt tense and by now I am feeling good. I am having chicken echiladas tonight. It smells good! Had a mini chocolate bunny before when I felt bad still (I ate his ears first so he couldn't hear his own screams)! AND 7 bottles of water today! I'm loving the water! I can't believe I love it, I never thought I would.

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, March 22, 2010

three silly photos

I hope that none of you have been held up! Now I know that I got your attention, lol, but I'm serious, because these photos might give you a bit of a fright. The other day I was kinda bored and I was going through some stuff to throw out. There was this pair of stockings of mine that I had the sudden notion to try and put on my head, yeah as you do, lol. I didn't tell Andy what I was doing but he could hear me laughing! It took me a while to get my head in these stockings as they were knee highs with a tight bit around the top to keep them up. Andy came in and cracked up laughing at me and said he'd have to take photos, though they weren't very good and I look horrible but I think there are a couple of Andy's that are hilarious as he couldn't get the stocking off, lol.

and he still tries to get this on his head, lol! love the action here

so yes, he gets the stocking on, but he can't get it off!

and finally he is released from the demon stocking with a little drama and a big scream at the end, he he!

I tell you what though OUCH, when these things are on your head, it feels like it's making your brain into mush, but I guess it had to be there in the first place for me to think this was a fun idea, lol!

both negative and positive

I'm not very happy with myself right now. My new shoes are too small and I didn't wear them at home first for a few hours to test them. I just wore them straight to work and realised when I had already left home and had no other shoes with me to quickly take them off. The problem was though that they have a slight heel and I wasn't sure if, because I never have shoes like this, that this was normal for shoes like this. After a very small amount of time my toes were hurting, so I realised then that no, this wasn't normal and they were too small. I wish I could just think for a minute before I do things like this. The top of the shoe is in perfect condition and would you believe the underneath really aren't marked because of the way they are, it's just that they are now all dark from the crap that's on the road. I know this is really bad after wearing them, but had they not been discoloured, I probably would have tried to take them back. But I can't and I deserve this!

The water situation is going well. I am up to bottle number seven for today and I wanted to say thank you to Jadedchalice for all the info there about water and intoxication. I really appreciate it. I agree that I think my body doesn't know what to do with this change and it's trying to get it's equilibrium back after the years of abuse it has suffered by my hand. The sometimes only diet coke for the entire day and no water even when I had a headache. I even used to take my meds with either tea, coffee or diet coke. I have a headache again tonight but not one of those yucky ones. Just a tired and had enough of myself tonight.

Thanks too for those of you that checked out my new creative blog, Creating Sarah's Way http://creatingsarahsway.blogspot.com/  In the next few days I will be posting up some photographs that I have taken over the years that I love and are my favourites to look back on. Also over the next few days I will be having a go at my new graphics tablet to see if I can alter a Ziggy photo! I will post that one probably here and there. I am going to try and do some colour splash on it, but making the photo of Ziggy down the side black and white but keeping his bow a funky colour. We'll see how I go.

Also had a new girl start at work today. She is lovely, her name is Caitlin and she used to be a personal trainer. We got to talking and we were talking about water consumption, as you do and my ED stuff sort of came out. She said that she thinks I look really good and I said that I found that hard to hear because when someone tells me that, my ED brain tells me that they said "you look really fat". She said that no that is not true and that when she says good, she means healthy. It was really easy to talk to her and I never tell people stuff like that that quickly but she was really good and she is probably just a bit younger than me. She said I was doing really well but that she would be watching me to make sure I ate enough. That felt nice to think someone I have just met cares enough to say that. Okay, tired and off to have dinner.

*hugs*
Sarah

P.S. I did all my homework for both Cecily and Michael last night! I even did a mini mindfulness at my desk when I got stressed a bit at work. Mindfully holding my little pink wooden ball. It worked :-)

Sunday, March 21, 2010

being uncomfortable

I ate my dinner. A bowl of vegies with rice and a can of salsa flavoured tuna. I was thinking about what I said earlier about struggling today. I guess it's because I don't know what to expect of my body now. I've never had this much water before and 4 days in a row with over 2 litres. The first two days it was just 4 x 600ml bottles, yesterday it was 6 x 600ml bottles and today it has been 7 x 600ml bottles and a glass at dinner. It's more that the more I have it, the more I want it and I think my body has had so many toxins in it from the diet coke and all the caffiene and I have no idea what it's doing right now. It's not a pleasent feeling as I like to know what my body is doing 24/7. It's true I didn't eat my afternoon snack when I was meant to but I did eat something later, a small amount of cheese and a couple of sultana biscuits. I worry about drinking too much water but then I think of how my body is probably so happy right now and it's getting all flushed out. I guess when this settles a bit I won't need as much. I sure hope that is soon as I really don't like not knowing what is going on .

i must admit

that I am up to bottle of water number seven. I decided to skip my afternoon snack because I felt funny and then decided on a café latté made with skim milk. I had 5 sips as I walked home with it. I don't know why I was struggling but I think it has something to do with the water. I poured the whole thing in a garden on the way home and got rid of the cup. I did manage to have 2 sultana biscuits and a small slice of jarlsberg cheese. I have been touching my belly today and feeling for my hips. This started last night while I was going to bed. I feel frustrated by this. I am hoping going back to work tomorrow will help.

*hugs*
Sarah

my new creative blog

Well I've decided that I need a place to put all my photos and my scrapbooking, digi scrapbooking and cardmaking stuff. So I have made a new blog, right now there is absolutely nothing in it but there will be soon. It is called Creating Sarah's Way and you can find it here.

I hope you'll visit from time to time and I will be posting up photos and stuff still in here, but I think my learning some of these new creative processes, would be better posted on my other new blog.

*hugs*
Sarah

is that ED talking

I'm going okay, though I have noticed a few thoughts pop in that I think aren't too good. Now that I am drinking water, I can't get enough. I am always thirsty. It's nearly 12:30pm on Sunday and so far today I am up to bottle number five of water (these are 600ml portions). I don't know. I don't want to over do it if you know what I mean but my body has been so desparately in need of water for so long now, that I think it's just flushing my system of all it's toxins. I haven't had any diet coke since friday and I'm not missing it. Yesterday I had more juice than I wanted. I am not comfortable with that. My wanting to snack has completely dropped away. I have lost my hunger cues again as well, which is probably not the best, though I don't know whether it's because of all the water. I don't know. Not really sure what I'm thinking. I'm not having a bad day, just a so so day. I can hear ED in the background though pushing more water. I am eating my meals and snacks but only them and I'm not wanting anything more or even thinking about anything more, I just want more water!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

ooohhh it came - exciting

tomorrow is going to be a designing day! I don't know how go this one is, but it will be fun to learn to use it :-)

new things

I am pretty happy right now. I went to see Cecily and she was very impressed that I asked for my money back on those pills I shouldn't have bought to start with. For those of you that don't know, I impulsively bought some 'colon cleansing' pills because at the time I was constipated. Bad idea. Michael and Cecily were saying a huge no, don't do that. Instead I have been drinking lots of water and I've cut out the diet drinks. I'm up to bottle number five of water today and I have had two V8 juices. Today has been about buying stuff though. I will be getting the graphics tablet today to try before we buy. Sharon will be here sometime this afternoon with it and she is lending us a book on how to use it with photoshop... so excited! She is selling it to us for only $100 if we want it.

Ziggy is very excited because he thinks all the new things are his (of course). So here we go, in no particular order (and yes, Ziggy posed in a few).

I love this bag. I got it so I can fit all my juices and my new water bottle in it. I saw it this morning on the way to Cecily and I knew I had to get it on the way back. It's got little mushrooms in it and the brand is Kikki.

 

Ziggy loves the bag, but I think it reminds him of his mushroom patch out the back that him and his buddies get into when Andy and I aren't home!

the new water bottle. It is stainless steel and it holds 600ml. I love the colour :-)

my new shoes, I love their funkiness

something new to try, liquorice root tea. I've never tried this but I asked for a sweet tea, not the stuff I got the other day (yucky) and I got some stevia tablets. I like them. I only need 2 of those where the splenda and stuff I need 4.

something new to try, digital scrapbooking. I got the magazine that this CD came with and it has 7 free mini digital kits. I read the article this morning and I'm very excited to try this since I love digital stuff.

That's my new stuff, now I get to tell you about my good deed for the day. I was waiting at the bus stop to go to the uni that Cecily works at and this young guy hops on the bus and tries to pay witha $50 note. Of course the bus driver chucks a hissy fit, like they always do and asked the guy where he was going and he said the same place as me. I asked the driver how much the fare was and paid for his ticket. He looked all freaked out and he is about the same age as my little brother, so I asked him if he knew where he was going and he said no. I questioned him a bit and worked out where he was meant to go and I told him to sit near me and I would show him where he needed to go as it was on my way. He was so grateful and thanked me for paying for his fare and I said, you know what, if my little brother needed help, I would hope that someone would help him. When we got the uni, I walked him to where he could see where he needed to go and I showed him a place to come back to if he got lost and said, if you stay here and say where you are, there is only one of these places here, they will find you. I wished him luck and he shook my hand and said thanks again. He was a really lovely young guy and it felt good to help someone else.

I feel so good. I feel so happy and I know that I'm on the right track. I just have to remember when I have days like these. Oh and the mini chocolate rabbit was yum, but don't worry, I ate his ears first so he couldn't hear the rest ;-P

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, March 19, 2010

listening to my body

This is day three of drinking water. I can't believe how much I have been drinking. I have had 6 x 600ml bottles today, well 6 in my new bright orange stainless steel water bottle with a tiny bit of V8 and sometimes some ginger. I haven't been peeing as much as I thought I would but I also haven't eaten as much. Not intentionally. Today as you know I had that awful headache. I'm thinking now and wondering whether part of the headache could be because of toxins going out of my body. I actually right now feel a little sick in my tummy, though I don't know why. When I first felt like that, I said to myself, why do you feel sick and I said back, maybe you should eat. So I got out a slice of my pumpkin seed bread and I spread on some light philly cheese and had that and a little V8 apple burst drink. My head is sore again, which I'm not happy about. Not feeling the best. I'm not constipated though, which I am so happy about. When I really think about today's food intake, it wasn't enough. I still have dinner and we are having chilli and lime marinated fish and some salad.

I just want to say thank you to all of you for sticking with me over the last week. I know I've been up and down. I don't like feeling physcially yucky but I guess years of diet coke and bad junky food, isn't going to be fixed in 3 days. I think I might go and have some ginger, that can often stop nausea.

Oh and some exciting news, I was at my local craft shop today and I spoke to Sharon, the owner and she has one of those little pens and boards (a spare one she is going to sell to Andy and I half price) you can use to plug into your computer instead of the mouse to allow more control over editing photographs and she knows a lady that can teach me how to do colour splash! If you're confused, see photos from last post and the one I have added to this one. So excited! I have just emailed her to find out exactly how much.

*hugs*
Sarah

i'm feeling colourful

I fell asleep after Andy went to work this morning for about 2 and a half hours. When I woke up, my headache was almost gone, yay! Then I had big drink of water and had to hurry and ran to the loo and now after running to the loo another 5 times, I am now not constipated and my belly has gone back to normal! So excited!!!!

I have just had lunch, which was a yummy pumpkin seed bread; 1/2 an avocado (instead of butter); two slices of shaved salami and cheese sandwich + a mini chocolate twirl and a can of diet coke (my plan is still to not have this very often at all, but I just bought a carton of 15 cans and I'm not allowed to let them go to waste). So no more coke today. I am going to wait a bit and see if I need to rush to the loo any more times and then I'm going to catch the train just two stops and go shopping at the craft shop and some other shops.


I thought it would be nice to see some more color splash photos. I found these on photobucket here. So obviously, they are not my own photos. One day I am going to learn this!!!







 

Feeling so much more positive and happy!

*hugs*
Sarah

same old

Thanks guys for all your comments. I appreciate them so much, you have no idea. Also, welcome to everyone that is new, thanks for reading. I sometimes wonder why I have so many of you reading, because I think surely I am not that interesting.

I still have the headache. The good thing is that this is day 4. My headaches usually last for four days and then they go away. I will get next to no pay next week for this week. Which really sucks. I probably wouldn't have much to do today anyway because they are giving me a new computer today at work and they are rebuilding everyone's system into the proper system. Our department got left on an old system and management (I mean like the big big big dudes) have decided we all need to be on the same system, like duh! I probably would have been sitting around anyway. I am still consitpated. This is day five and there has been some minor BM but nothing much considering how much is still there. Yes, sorry, too much information there.

I think today I am going to try and just do nothing. I'm hoping a whole day of nothing and going nowhere will help. Okay, off to read your blogs!

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, March 18, 2010

a sort of pointless post

Today I woke up again with an enormous headache and still extremely constipated. I think I am not up to day 5 with nothing. There are a couple of good things happen today and a couple of bad things. The first good thing was that when I got to work, I told Tanya I didn't want the pills and she is going to give me the money for them. I am so proud of myself for saying no and for being able to ask for my money back and not be afraid. My headache got so bad in the end that at 11am, I went home. The train ride was hell. I kept nearly falling asleep and the pain in my head and in my left eye was enormous. I managed to get off the train at the right stop and I started to walk home and it started to rain.

I got my terribly crappy umbrella out of my bag, it is brand new and was cheap and two of the little sections that go on the spokes of it were already broken. By the time I got to the car park at the back of the shops near me, this girl laughed because my umbrella turned inside out, tearing another spoke and I was pissed of and cranky I just glared at her and kept walking. The umbrella kept turning inside out and I lost it. I ripped it off every spoke and tore up the metal, cutting my finger and had the most childish temper tantrum and then threw it in the garden and then stomped off home. Yes and I got wet. I didin't realise I had cut myself either until I noticed the blood on the plastic bag I was carrying I will have to remedy this tomorrow and go collect my destroyed umbrella and dispose of it properly. Anyway, I came home and ate a very quick lunch and I went to bed. I slept from about 12:30pm-3:00pm and I still have the headache. This is day three and I really am getting so so sick of it. These headaches when they're like this, usually last for four days. I am hoping it will be gone tomorrow, but I'm not expecting it will be. 

Now to some diet changes. I have found the perfect combination for drinking water with. I have some fresh ginger and a tiny bit of V8 juice. It is subtle and a little sweet and I LOVE it! I am up to bottle number 6 for today and I am so proud of myself. This has to be the first time ever that I have liked water and actually had enough. I am hoping by keeping this up that when I clear the constipation this time, that I will finally hopefully not get like this again. My water bottle holds 600ml of water, so yesterday I got over 2 litres and I have done that again today. I did take some nulax tonight and I really am hoping that this will be the last time ever that I will need it. I need to clear this horrible horrible blockage and I think once it is cleared, then I can work on keeping it okay. I know that that laxatives will take a lot of water, that is why I am still drinking and drinking it, even though I know I've drunk the 2 litres. My lips are still feeling dry but not as dry, which is good.

I tried honey in my tea this morning and I must say, I don't like it. I am going to get some stevia tablets from the health food shop on saturday and at least then, it's natural. Then I will get rid of all the other stuff. I was so down today that I couldn't have sweet coffee and I really don't like honey in coffee or tea. It's kind of depressing. I tried the new teas and I don't like them. They are not sweet enough. I am going to also try buying some licorice tea as well and with the stevia, hopefully they will taste a little bit better. Sorry for my ramblings. I guess I have to remember baby steps.

I can do this and I will. I just wish I didn't feel so badly about myself at the moment.

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

being gentle

Today has been a good day. I stayed home from work and initially I was just going to stay here but I did get an appointment with Michael and I went along with lots of questions and wanting a plan. I told him about the stuff that I bought and he said that he doesn't want me to take it. I am actually going to get rid of it as soon as it arrives. It is a huge waste of money, but it is also a lesson. I spoke to Cecily just before and she thought it was funny how in my email to her last night I said, "I can here you muttering maladaptive behaviours from here".

When I told Michael what had been going on, he explained how the colon works and how dehydration works as well. So I now have to have at least 2 litres of water a day. He gave some ideas of what I can put in the water to make it taste better. I really don't like plain tap water, so he suggested mint leaves; cucumber; ginger; peach and lychees and vanilla (not all at the same time). He also suggested decaffinated tea. He would like me to have more V8 and I can have between 2-4 serves of that a day. We then went through my homework, which was to find out about protein. He was happy with what I came up with. My new homework is to find out what a balanced diet is. He has given me one he wants me to find out about, it's a Japanese one Okinawan Diet (I hope I spelt that right, his writing isn't wonderful). He wants me to find out a balance between carbs, protein, fat and dairy. I will be seeing him on Friday 26 March. So I have to have that done by then.

When I left Michael, I went into the city to a health food shop. I got a new water bottle, one of those stirling silver ones???? I also got some fennel tea and some other tea that has licorice and fennel in. I wanted to have a tea that is still sweet and these are what was suggested. I am also going to try something a little different instead of sweetener... honey! I am not exactly sure how I feel about this but I will see how I go. I am trying to cut out the sweeteners and get used to natural sweetness. I tried my new water bottle, which is kinda funky and bright orange and I tried it with half of a peach sliced up. It was hard to drink it at first because it wasn't really that sweet but after the peach had been in there for a bit it was a lot better and I kinda liked it. I managed to have 2.4 litres of water today and a mineral water orange and mango. I also have to cut out diet coke and diet drinks and he would prefer me to drink water, mineral water or juice and not anything diet. This does scare me, but I know that I need to be healthy. I still have not gone to the toilet but my belly isn't hurting any more. I am hoping with the water, which I will try and do every day, that I can get better on my own.

After all of this food stuff, I got my hair cut, just a tiny bit from the bottom and my fringe. When they were shampooing it though, they turned this vibration on the chair that made me feel like I needed to pee with all the water in me. Then when I sat in a normal chair, I could still feel the vibration for a few minutes, was a strange feeling. I also got new shampoo and conditioner because my hair has been very knotty lately and It was nice to just do that and then come home.

I feel like I uncluttered my brain a bit today. I still have my headache but it's not so bad. I'm very behind in blogs as I decided to have a me day. I will catch up when I can. There is also one more thing I am going to try and that is to eat slowly, no matter what I am eating. I never do this and then I get over-full having eaten so fast. I did a lot of homework this morning. I re-read all the protein stuff and I did some of the behaviour chains for Cecily. It's good to be thinking more clearly and to have some plans in place. Oh and I'm getting some new shoes. They are very funky and I can't wait to get them. I will get them on saturday on the way home from my appointment with Cecily.

It really is time to step up and step out of my comfort zone. I'm drinking some apple burst V8 at the moment and I'm trying to even drink that slowly. To sip rather than guzzle. I think I really needed today to just work out my direction and know where I was headed. It's so good to feel so much better, though I must admit to feeling a little apprehensive. But that is recovery isn't it!

*hugs*
Sarah

stopping and resting

I think all the stress of last week has finally caught up with me. I have woken up this morning with a really horrible headache again, so I am not going to work today. I need to just rest, though I will try and get an appointment with Michael if I can. I'm even tired after a really solid sleep, though luckily I don't have a sore neck as well, which often happens.

I have been thinking about my last post and although I was so mad at me, I can see this as the perfect example to use for my homework for Cecily. I am meant to be doing behaviour chains for maladalptive behaviours but I am also supposed to write out when I notice emotional mind, reasonable mind or wise mind. So far this week, I have used all three. I finally got the mindfulness CD that Cecily sent to me and I have it on my ipod, so I will also try this today to see how I go.

And and extra plus is I can finally catch up with all of your blogs!

*hugs*
Sarah

Sometimes I was I was a cat and I could sleep all day!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

wise mind just walked out

I don't know where to start. My head is thumping today and feel generally yuck! I don't really know how to go about even posting this. I have some stuff in my head that I am concerned about posting because I don't want to trigger and I don't even really know if this is a trigger.

I may as well tell you as much as I feel comfortable with. Woke up today and I am still constipated. I mean this is day three I think and nothing! I end up telling my friend at work about how my belly is sore and why and she started saying I should see a natropath. Then she said have you tried xxxx, it is really good and it's totally natural and it works really well. I will explain the x's in a moment. She told me how she is doing a natropath course and she hadn't finished yet but that you get this stuff from the US and she swears by it. Impulsive Sarah (we're talking emotional mind here) goes, oh wow, that sounds good, okay I'll run and get my credit card and order some even before I know anything about it WTF :-/

I tell Tanya that I've tried everything and nothing works. I'm sitting here thinking, yeah you tried water for one day and it hasn't worked YET, so why not order something that is going to cost $80 because you can so afford that right now. I have no idea if the stuff I have ordered is okay. I don't know. I really don't. I could just have wasted my money, most likely. The thing that worried me was the testimonials I read after I bought it. There were all these things about losing weight and how these people were no longer bloated and no longer constipated after years and years. It is basically a colon cleanse. FUCK! I didn't know about this when I ordered it as I read the testimonials afterwards. ED is going, oh, woohoo, we can be smaller, have a smaller belly and feel better in clothes. Reasonable mind is thinking, you idiot, you have been had, you so should not do that. Reasonable mind is thinking that I need to find out more before I take it. Emotional mind wants to cry and doesn't want to check it out because she is sick of being consitpated and sick of trying everything and even when she has drunk water in the past it hasn't worked.

I have no idea who to ask about this stuff. I am terrified to find out and I'm terrified to ask. I am so angry with myself right now. I don't know to do. So what do I do, yay, lets go take laxatives OMG! Can this get any worse, ugh! But this is not just the nulax bars I've been having but the bad old laxies Dr Jane told me NOT to have.

I think wise mind got cranky with me at about, oh, hmm, say 3pm, it's now 7pm and I'm not sure that wise mind is coming back today. Probably caught a plane down to Perth and as far away from emotional mind as possible.

Oh my god my head hurts and I have no idea what to do next!

Monday, March 15, 2010

letting go

I'm sitting here not too happy with myself, but probably not for the reasons you all may think and I think I need to change some things because otherwise I am never going to get anywhere.

Today I am completely constipated (AGAIN)! I am so so sick of this. My belly is so sore and hard and enormous and this is not an ED thought, it is because (a) I'm bloated from have nulax bars, though these were one of the things the doctor said were okay (b) I know getting rid of the scale would be great, but I know for a fact if I got rid of them now, when I'm not ready, I will go out and buy another set tomorrow (c) eating too much with no kind of order to how much or what I eat (d) actually using all these techniques that I've been given. So, I need to make some plans to get back on track.

For the constipation/diarrhoea there are two simple solutions and one is completely free, water! I don't drink water, I mean at all. This is a huge part of my problem. I get constipated so I take something for it, it gives me diarrhoea and bloating, so I think I'm fat but still take the nulax because it helps me go to the toilet but if I actually had two refills of the big bottle that I have on my desk at work every day, I would probably solve the problem. In the mean time, there is another product that Dr Jane came up with that she said was better and it doesn't screw with your electrolytes either, movicol. It is just put in water and you drink it. It tastes disgusting but it does work. So I have had some movicol tonight and I will ditch the nulax. This should solve the problem of constipation, bloating and help me to stay hydrated so I don't get consitpated. I should be doing this anyway with the amount of medication I'm on. Seroquel + lithium + gabapentin are not good!

The scale only upset me slightly this morning. I did have a freak out on here, but it wasn't actually anything about my weight. That was just what ED fixated on. I was worried about work and my actual pay rate. This was sorted out when I found out that payroll actually under-paid me by $248.00 and my normal pay rate is enough to live on. When I found this out, I settled down straight away. I am supposed to get this tomorrow, though I won't hold my breath, I think the people in payroll are complete morons and I won't take this lightly if they mess up for a fourth time! I have been completely suffed around and lied to by them. The lady who got me the job is so mad at them. I am going to try not to weigh myself for as long as I can or at least until I get this constipation in check or I will be higher and I won't like it and you can guess the rest.

I need to also get back to my meal plan. My eating is all over the place. Today I ate a lot of little amounts but there was no pattern or plan to it, it was everywhere and I really didn't like it. So, back to the meal plan, which includes eating what Michael has asked me to eat and not dropping things out. That starts tomorrow.

The last thing I am embarrased to say I am great at doing the research for homework and preparing it, but hopeless at actually practising the techniques that Cecily has given me. I think part of it is fear but the other part is laziness. I would rather read my current book that sit for two minutes breathing mindfully! How silly is that. Today I carried around my lovely little bag of mindulness things and didn't do anything with them. I am allowing myself the excuse that I am meant to be mindfully breathing this week and the describe, observe and participate bit is coming up from saturday. I just remembered this part when I read my homework sheet and thought the describe, observe and participate was more fun that breathing mindfully. And is two mintues of my time sitting noticing my breathe really that hard, well yes it is, but it's only 2 minutes and I will get better if I practice!!!!!

The last thing, though not mentioned is the most important and Andy and Ziggy would agree - Sarah is not allowed to beat herself up! I've got to learn to let go!

*hugs*
Sarah

Mindfully NOT

ED is strong today, so much stronger than I have felt him for a very long time. Even last week at the wedding, he wasn't this strong. It's like I feel this massive weight pushed down on me. Why is this, well I went over the number I am 'comfortable' with on the scale. It was by the tiniest amount and I know I am more than a number but I feel like my control has completely gone out the window and now I must get it back!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

possum magic

Andy and I were sitting outside just before complaining about our crazy families, when two possums showed up, a mum and her medium grown baby! This possum has visited before but I think it was when her little baby was very little as we could see it moving around in her pouch. Anyway, got a couple of pics that I thought you might like :-)

this is the mum, she has visited us lots of times and she loves apples and banana

I'm thinking she was a little hungry, but she does usually let Andy feed her anyway

this is the baby, when I first started to take photos, the flash was freaking the little one out, but she still let Andy feed her.

a lucky shot of both mum and baby together chewing on apples

Mindfully

I got to thinking about the mindfulness I am doing with Cecily at the moment as part of the DBT homework. The thing I am supposed to do is breathe mindfully. It is such a hard thing to do as I find myself judging myself as I breathe and I keep having pull myself back to where I was. I am okay with the breath through my nose and the feel of it going down but I hate it when I feel my belly come out. I know this is a judgement and so I try and push it away and concentrate on the breathe coming in and out of my nose. This seems okay. Cecily is going to send me the original CD of the mindefulness breathing she made for me but didn't work. I wanted to put it on my ipod but the files seem to be corrupted. I remembered when I did DBT the first time in a group about 4 years ago, I had a mindfulness bag I used to carry around with me. So today I went out and got some things that I know will be good for this. Here is what I got. All these items will fall into at least one the three ways to be mindful, to observe, describe or participate.

Here are the taste and smell ones. Peppermint tic tacs I can smell and mindfully chew or suck and some strawberry lip balm, which I can smell or mindfully apply and feel it on my lips.

I can mindfully observe this little doll but I could also close my eyes and mindfully touch the texture of her.

Mindfully touching the clear quartz but lucky me can also feel the energy in crystals, so I might even get mindfully dizzy! They have this effect on me. I can't actually go into crystal shops as their engery is so strong I get so so dizzy, especiallyif they have an emormous uncut crystal anywhere in there :-/

Again, mindful touching, though I guess you could also mindfully participate by throwing the ball in the air and catching it. Yes, this is mindfulness as well!

Another mindfully touching object, but this one is metal and very heavy.

The one of the left is a stretchy hair band and the one on the right is a stretchy crystal bracelet.

 This is one of those light metal clips to hold keys and stuff. Something different and it's moveable which is good.

My stash of mindfulness objects all together!

So now I'm all set and I have no excuses not to try these things when I am thinking of using a maladaptive behaviour to get myself through. All I need is my little bag of mindfulness and two minutes quiet somewhere. This can be done anywhere. You don't have to close your eyes, you are just focusing on the object, how it feels, what it looks like, how it smells, how it tastes. You can even just walk around a room and just focus on the feel of the carpet on your feet as you walk mindfully or the feel of your body in your chair. No one needs to know what you're doing if you don't want them to and because it can be anything, you can choose anything to observe, describe and participate in. You just have to try and focus and not judge the object or thing you are doing.

*hugs*
Sarah