Friday, April 30, 2010


I have had an okay day. I found out a few days ago that a job I applied for in February, that the girl that took the job left after only three months. At first I was like, I would never reapply, but then I got to thinking, that I made it to interview level and I did okay and I thought I'd email the lady in charge and ask if it was true this lady was leaving and if so, would there be any point in me re-applying. I didn't hear all day and then just before she emailed me back and confirmed this lady was leaving and said if I wanted to re-apply they would just re-submit my original application if I wanted. One of the things that I like about this job is that it is timetabling and I love timetabling. So I said yes. I also said to her that I was sorry the lady left when they really really wanted someone to stay long term. I also said that I must be insane since I love and miss timetabling so much (most people hate timetabling and she thought this was funny).

The application process closes on May 7, which is on Friday. Andy doesn't want me working next week anyway. The other thing is that it looks good that I am still interested in the role after 3 months and can start at any time. I hope that my persistence in wishing to do the job, having all the skills, goes in my favour. I got an interview last time from my application and this time if I get one, I know what they want. So everyone keep your fingers crossed for me. This really gives me hope. Even if it's just an interview. Next week will be a rest week and I guess we'll see what happens the week after that. I would so love this job, I so hope I get an interview.

Oh and the really big news is that I got discharged. I was really annoyed when I got to hospital this morning as this nurse came out and said, I'll be your nurse for today and I'm like, you are kidding me right, I want to go home. Then she said that the doctor would see me anywhere between 9am and 12pm. Andy and I looked at each other and when 'fuck'!

When I saw the doctor I just said I need to be out of here. I find this a safe place but it becomes too safe and I don't want to leave and I feel like that now and I need to get back to real life. He was pretty awesome about that and they thought I made a good decision. I don't want the option to always be on leave. This time last week was a nightmare, I was bawling my eyes out and waiting to be admitted. I am really happy I have left. The doctor did say if I felt like that again, that they would be there for me. That is nice to know, but I want as normal a life as possible and that is here with Andy and my plush friends. I feel stronger this afternoon, especially now I have heard about that job. The only bad thing was I did lose my little packet of pills though that I carry around with me. I am bummed about that as I loved the little pill box that I had them in as it had little mice on it. I will go look for a proper one next week sometime.

I feel like I have been through the ringer. I hate being unwell. I hate that it hurts my family and friends but the good thing is in all of this, there was no self harm what so ever. That is awesome. Something I have never achieved before. I had a love/hate relationship with being in hospital. The food was good and the nurses mostly nice. I am going to make cards on sunday with a group and that will feel nice. I want to get back to reality, be the Sarah you all know and remember as being happy most of the time. I want life to be awesome and I want to re-start my DBT stuff and work with Cecily. Kerry was fine when I saw her on Wednesday. The ED stuff is not really there right now as I am working on my bipolar stuff and my anxiety and that is good too. I have more freedom with food. Only thing I really want to get rid of, is my awful headache. I have had it for about four days now.

Lastly, you are all awesome. Your words got me through a really difficult time. I know that some of you are struggling right now and that sucks, but you know what, after going through the most horrific week in years, it will get better, you have to ride through it, it's not easy and it doesn't feel nice but the other side feels better and you can see the work you have done. Stay safe, be positive and sorry if I didn't return emails. I am going to work on Ziggy's album over the next week. I will post it on my other blog when it's done :-)


Thursday, April 29, 2010

home is good

I know I've been up and down over the last few days/week. I realised a lot of things while in hospital and I am now going to do my best to stay out. I have to see the doctors there in the morning and Andy is coming with me and then we will have the day together as he has taken leave from work. I finally feel like I am able to control my emotions a bit more, though I do have an enormous headache due to all the crying and worry over the last 24 hours. I am going to go to bed really early tonight and I'm just going to sleep and sleep and wake up tomorrow and I want to stay home now, so when I see the doctor, I am going to be honest but also try and think of the positives.

I am not even going to worry about work, just do what I want to, like card making or watching TV or DVDs and just have some stress free Sarah time. I do feel bad not earning money, but it's no good doing that if you keep burning your bridges. We'll see what happens, but that isn't even going to be looked at until next week. I have a few cards to make. Cecily has been awesome, so one for her definitely. She even called Andy to see how he was doing yesterday after she took me to the hospital. I think that shows a pretty awesome psychologist.

Okay gorgeous people, I am going to sign off here, but now I am going to go and catch up on some of your blogs.  It's so nice to be home.


oh the confusion

Well I am off home again. I stayed here at the hospital last night and I have chatted to both my private psychiatrist and my hospital psychiatrist and I am going home. Andy will be picking me up at 2pm, which is in just under an hours time. He will take leave for the next few days to be with me, rather than leaving me on my own and having me freak out and end up back here again. I have to be here tomorrow morning by 9am to be discharged or to work out some kind of plan to keep me out of hospital. I am feeling okay. I didn't get the uni job but he said that I was one of the top four 'brilliant' (his words) applicants and the only reason I didn't get picked was that the two people that did had both that uni experience and other uni experience. Plus if a job comes up in the next six months, I could get appointment straight away without having to go through another interview. He said that my interview techniques were excellent and he found no fault at all in my the way I interviewed and the way I presented. This has made me feel pretty good actually. I think in a way it's good because I am not well and work is probably not the best thing for me right now.

I'll be home soon, so I will take it slow and read blogs when I am strong enough.


not the best news

I didn't cope very well yesterday with being out of hospital and when I went to my appointment with Cecily, she wouldn't let me leave and escorted me back to hospital. I feel so crap but this time I am just going to go with the program. I am going to do what they say and I'm not going to try and run away. There is no point in that. I have an enormous headache from crying so much and I have no idea what will happen today. I was supposed to start a job today but it got pushed back to tomorrow. Andy doesn't want me to work right now and of course I am still waiting to hear from the other uni job. I hate feeling the way I do. It's just this really deep sadness and worthlessness that has turned into this awful depression.

I will be okay and I got a new little plush friend. A very lovely lady that reads my blog (she knows who she is and hugs that you aren't doing too well either last time I read my email) sent me a gorgeous picture of her and her little plush friend, so I have named her after her, her name is Bella and she is so so cute. I have her here and Harold (Harold already has a crush on Bella but he's trying to be cool about it) and I have Solomon.

The worst thing about yesterday is I didn't get to pack any of my own stuff, because I was out shopping and stuff when all this happened. Kinda sucks really but hey, what can you do. I want to be well and I will be well, so I will just keep calm and relaxed and sleep and cry if I want and just do what I need to do. Andy said he doesn't mind at all about me working, but it's more a pressure I put on myself. That I must be working. That I must be contributing to the household bills. I am so scared right now, I want to be normal.


P.S. I really hope you are all okay. I have limited access to internet, so I can't read blogs right now, love you guys and I miss you all so much and thank you for your awesome messages.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

so great

I am finally settled at home and feeling good about the day ahead of me. I wanted to clarify about my last post, I was actually have an, oh wow, I can see where this has come from, moment, rather than a depressed my life is shit moment. I realised from some of your comments that you may have felt I was upset. I am actually really happy about that revelation and I did tell Andy in the end all about it. I figured it was something that was completely important for him to know about. Then we can combat this together.

This is just a quick post. I am seeing Kerry at 10am, then having an enormously fun shopping trip to an enoromous shopping centre I haven't been to in over 10 years, apparently it is awesome now. Then at 3pm I have an appointment with Cecily. I am looking forward to both. PLUS... I got $100 to spend on whatever I want from my nana in England. She gave us $100 each to spend for our wedding present. Yay for nanas.

Love to you all and chat soon. I am now feeling strong enough to read your blogs. If there is anything triggering I may not though, we'll see.


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

massive realisation (long post)

It's funny. Often I used to think about my ED and I seriously thought it was an entity on its own. When I first had it, in may 2005, funny how this anniversary is coming up and I think now, I really get why I have the ED at all. My psychiatrist has always believed that my ED was my way of controlling the world around me, the world I really could not control and for the first time ever, I think he is right. I have had mental health problems since I was very young. I remember my parents asking me to see a psychiatrist when I was 15, not for an ED but for self harm and the most humungous rage. I used to smash things, I used to tell my mother how I wished she was dead every day and how I wished I could do it (scary I know). Then I left home at 17 and moved to Brisbane and things just never got better. I saw my first counsellor when I was 18 and I saw her for three years, then came the time when she realised I was too much for her to handle and I saw my first psychiatrist when I was 21. I was out of control and harmed myself daily. I also OD'd for the first time when I was 17, I didn't think life was worth it.

At 21 my psychiatrist diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder and this is when my hospital admissions started. In the next five years I had over 85 admissions but in this time, I earned my first degree. I did my assignments and course work often in hospital and I had some very dangerous times. I've been on ledges with security guards trying to get to me twice. Once landed me in seclusion in hospital. I once wanted to set myself on fire and that time, the police took me to hospital, which was in front of my neighbours and very embarrasing. Once I hurt myself so bad because a guy I met in hospital tried to hurt my cat. I needed to have internal stitches and it was so bad, that I was so close to serious damage. I only have a very bad scar. My arms are a pattern of white scars and when I try to count, one arm itself has over 100 scars. The other only about 40 or so. I have scars on my legs too, not many though. During this time, I managed to gain my masters with first class honours.

I am remembering my last admission, it was february 2007 and I OD'd and landed in hopsital. I then OD'd in hospital because I was on an open ward and went to the chemist across the road to get the pills. Then they let me out on leave and I OD'd again and ended up back in hospital, 3 times in 3 days. A few days after this I self harmed. Then all of this stopped when I met Andy in march 2007. He told me that he wouldn't stay with me if I hurt myself. I wanted to be with him so badly that I decided that under no circumstances ever, I would hurt myself by ODing or by self harming.

When my psychiatrist told me that he thought my ED was to do with my life being out of control, I thought he was a moron. I didn't believe him. I actually now believe it is about two things (a) gaining control when I don't feel that in my life (b) the only way I can self harm without losing Andy in my own mind, because our agreement never included the ED. There, I've said it. Recently, with this depression, I have not hardly thought about the ED, my whole thoughts have been completely focused on three things (a) self harming with something very sharp (b) ODing and (c) running away. With the running away, I don't have a destination, just wanting to get away, to be on the road, to be away from everything. But no ED. I think that when I'm depressed I need some type of self harm to get me through and the ED seems too easy, not enough, not enough damage, damage I want badly and serious damage quickly, don't ask me why, probably because that has been my life and I would think of very unique ways of doing this, to hurt me because I am worth nothing when I'm not well.

I know I have bipolar disorder (diagnosed in 2001) and I know that right now, I am recovering from the depression part of this illness. My life is in turmoil right now and I'm sure the ED will pop back up when this is under control and I have no other way to control my life. I'm not saying I do not have an ED, I believe I do, but I believe it is so far removed from the actual food in a way and more about the numbers and stuff because I CAN control that when I need to. I now believe that my ED is an acceptable form of self harm in my eyes for Andy not leaving me. It doesn't leave gaping wounds and it doesn't leave me unconsious from a massive amount of pills. He doesn't know this and I don't think this is something I can share with him right now. I need to sort this out in therapy first and decide what I am going to do with this information, how will I deal with it. Of course tomorrow I may turn around and say this is all bullshit and i was just thinking too much. I don't think so though and in a way, realising this is a huge step. It's learning about me and why I treat myself the way I do. I will get better. I will be free and hopefully one day I will learn to treat myself in a way that I deserve and that my body deserves. I want my life to be free from harm and I want to be happy and healthy. I wish I didn't have bipolar disorder. I hope I can get back onto my optimum medication. I was on this in mid 2007 but wanted to have a baby so bad that with the help of my psychiatrist, I weaned off of all my meds but one. I crashed and I didn't know I was unwell. I've never been the same. We have never been able to get my medication right. We have been trying since early 2008 and here I am two years later, still trying to get it back to the way it was. I hope that comes soon!


I'm home

Well I am finally home, but not yet discharged. I am on leave until thursday lunch time and if I do okay over the next few days, I will then get discharged. I have a really nice doctor and he didn't want me to just be discharged because I am still struggling a little with how I am feeling. It's very different being out and last night sucked because I wanted to run away from hospital, got very upset and anxious, had an arsehole nurse who wouldn't give me any medication to calm down, demanded to go home right then and discharge myself and then calmed down and went to bed. I was really worried about how the meeting with the doctor was going to go too.

This morning first thing I rang the employment agency that rang me while I was being admitted (I didn't take the call and it's a different one from the last one) and I have a job. It's only for four weeks at this stage but it's a level higher than I was doing, it's still in government but the job itself sounds really good. I start on thursday. I think that is why they have told me that they want to see how I go on thursday for the first part of the day, but anytime between now and then, if I feel bad, I can go back to hospital and I will have my bed still. Even in the middle of the night. That is awesome. Now I am out, I must admit to feeling a lot of anxiety. I am seeing Cecily tomorrow and Kerry my dietitian too. I am hoping this will help and it will take most of the day. Andy doesn't know I am feeling the anxiety, but I've only been out for two hours and I think that is why.

I am going to try and comment but I may not be able to yet. I will see how I go. I may find some things very triggering, so I need to just take it one step at a time and when I am strong enough I will be back to my best! One thing I do want to say though is that you are all so awesome. I was so happy to get every one of your emails and messages because it really helped to know you were all there. Even if Sarah wasn't at her best :-P


Monday, April 26, 2010

turtles and all

Thanks guys so much for you support. You'll all be happy to know that the lithium seems to have started to kick in. I am so happy about that. Yesterday was okay, though had a serious urge to escape around 7pm while I was going for a wander that I hadn't told anyone about. Needless to say my lovely nurse was in quite a panic. I had actually planned on a escape but found this garden, just a tiny bit away from my ward and I was laying on the bench looking at the stars and the moon. I didn't realise how long I had been gone and I think if I had been any longer, they would have had security and the police looking for me. And it does sound kind of lame when you arrive back, your nurse is racing around trying to find you and your only excuse is that the moon and stars were pretty. I did apologise and all was well. I didn't tell her though it had started out as a planned escape.

I am not feeling like that today. I actually feel calm and sort in a happy-ish place. I would love to be home (this is a good sign) and laying on my couch or chatting to Andy or getting seriously covered in ink, glue and glitter. Yay for feeling good. I have no idea how long I will be in here. They don't know me, so if I say I am feeling good, they may say, well that's good, we'll see how you are tomorrow. I did find out from my nurse last night that she doubts I'll be out on tuesday, but what this means I have no idea. I know that my hands are shaking like hell due to the increase in lithium and I'm a little wobbly. This probably just means that I will have to get used it and then it will settle.

I am finally able to read, which is awesome (wow, I said awesome, haven't said that in a while). I am currently reading the book that is on the side of my blog. I really really really want to read The Girl that Kicked the Hornet's Nest but alas, no one is able to find a copy of it any book shop in my area. There are millions of copies in the city but all these shops have sold out. I think it's because of the cliff-hanger at the end of book two. I also got my own room. I think I said that in my last post but it's so cool to be able to lay around on now worry about doing things that will upset your roommate. I really want to put up my flash cards that I made (the DBT skills ones) so I can remind myself what I need to do when I feel bad. I can't find any bluetac or sticky tape anywhere though, which is annoying. I don't think the nurses would trust me with the stick tape dispenser since it is 'sharp'.

I am going to try and come back a little bit later and I'll let you know how trutle feeding time goes. Again, a huge thank you thank you thank you, to all of you. Knowing you are all here and that I am allowed to come here and blog while in hospital helps so much.

Until the next time, stay safe and positive and be happy!


Sunday, April 25, 2010

psych ward part one

I have just discovered that the main part of the hospital I am in has computers, so I asked for leave for half an hour and since I am on an open ward (this is a different hospital that the other day) they were fine, but I have only a short amount of time. It's cool I can blog though. I am starting to feel a little better than I did two days ago. Then it was a case of what wasn't a weapon. That was hard and I could see it was also cutting Andy up seeing me so upset. I know I am in the right place and with an increase in lithium, hopefully that will help. I think though that I really need an anti-d and my psychiatrist has agreed that if I am still having these thoughts, that that will happen early next week.

So now I have no job and I have destroyed all hopes of ever going through the employment agency I was going through. I told her I wanted to die. That never goes down too well. I have no energy and I am basically sleeping all the time, except when Andy visits. Yesterday and the day before all I did was cry, well sob more like it. It was so hard getting through my job interview, which I think I did well at, feeling so awful. I don't know when I will know. I also got a phone call from another employment agency while I was waiting for the psychiatrist to admit me, which I did take of course, but her message said that she was hoping I was free to work and to ring on Tuesday. It is a public holiday here tomorrow because of ANZAC day. Well it is ANZAC day today but the public holiday is tomorrow.

It's funny, usually on the ward I get really bored and I interact with the patients to keep occupied. This time I have totally ignored all the patients, except being polite when they say hi and I am in my room a lot. I have my own room, which is cool. I started off in a room with someone else but they moved me this morning, which actually made me cry as I was so happy to be alone. I bought Harold, my little hippo and Solomon my cuddly polar bear and it is nice to be here in a way. I feel safe. There is even a pond that has four turtles in it and I love watching them, when I am not sleeping of course. I thought there were only three but then discovered a secret extra one this morning, which was pretty cool, I was surprised because I had been watching them for two days and only thought there were three.

I am probably not going to catch up on your blogs for a few days. I might gets moments like this that I am allowed out for half an hour but that's it, unless Andy is with me. Mainly because I keep wanting to run away and I am actually surprised that my nurse for this morning, let me come here alone. I did promise him though that I would be back at 2:15pm and it's 2:06pm now, so I don't have long. Thanks for all your lovely messages and I really really am trying to get better. I am very open and honest with the nurses, even when I do want to run away, I tell them. I think that helps. Yesterday sucked because I cried all day long and poor Andy doesn't know what to do with himself at home because it's so quiet. I always want to not let him go when he comes. It's hard.

I have three scrapbooking magazines with me and three books, my ipod too, so all those things at least give me something to do, but to be honest, all I do is sleep. My phone is locked away every day because we can't have them on the ward and at least I am not in a locked ward. No cameras and stuff like that other ward. I just have to get better. I miss you guys so much and I miss my computer. I can't digi scrap on here or any computer that doesn't have my software and I don't think the nurses would let me bring in my laptop, I think that would be stretching it.

Okay guys, I will hopefully be back at some stage tomorrow to come and check your messages.

Miss you all

Saturday, April 24, 2010

In hospital

I am just letting you all know I was admitted to hospital late yesterday afternoon. I only have five minutes, so just wanted to say I am okay. I realised I couldn't control this anymore and that it was also too much for Andy. I have been very upset but hopefully now things will improve. I will tell you the whole story when released. This will be sometime next week.

Miss you all!


Thursday, April 22, 2010

a quick note

Some good things have come out of yesterday and my struggle to deal with the world around me. Andy has said it's okay for me stop working for a bit and Kerry (not my dietitian) my employment consultant at the temp agency, has given me until tomorrow afternoon to pull out of the job I am in and have a few weeks break. Then she will look for a new job for me if I don't get the part time one at the uni I got my degrees at, not the same one I used to work at. This has taken a huge weight off and Andy thinks I should only go for part time jobs for now because I keep getting unwell.


the night in the locked ward

So yesterday was a disaster. I went and saw my psychiatrist and he increased my lithium. He told me that if this doesn't work I will have to go onto anti-depressants. I debated whether to go to work in the first place because I felt like crap and I was depressed and crying, but I went anyway. In the end I got upset by some minor thing that Pauline said and I grabbed my stuff and took off before anyone noticed anything was wrong or noticed I had gone. I didn't tell anyone where I was going either. I jumped on the first bus that came along and had decided I was going into the city to OD and self harm but my bus was going past a major hospital close to me so I jumped off and went into emergency and told them what I wanted to do. They took my lithium away and then asked if I was going to try and leave because if I was they would have to find me and bring me back involuntarily. I said I'd stay.

So I had blood tests to check my lithium level, I actually think they were checking I hadn't ODd already. The doctor talked to me and asked if I was wanted to chat to the psychiatrist and I said I didn't know. She then said let's put it this way, you either talk to them voluntarily or we will force you and bring you in under and ITO (involuntary treatment order). I said I would talk to them, because I have my interview tomorrow.

I get transfered to the emergency locked psych ward. You walk in, you get searched and they take all your stuff away. You are then at their mercy. You can't leave until you see the psychiatrist. It sucked. Though I did meet a really cool guy call Marcus. We chatted for hours. At one stage my temper got the better off my and I told the nurses they were fucking morons and I was sick of waiting. I had been there by that stage for four hours. I was pissed off. Then Marcus got pissed off and got mad at them too. Then this heartbreaking case of a girl who was 15 came in. She had an ED, she had been self harming and she drank a bottle of poison the night before. I chatted to her a bit about her feelings of her ED and that I understood how she felt and that I hoped one day she got better. She got admitted to the adolesent psych ward.

I got cranky again and asked to ring Andy. While I was in the room I saw a paper clip on the floor and I slipped it into my pocket. I don't know why. I sat at the end of ward on the floor staring out a door and listening to the wind. Marcus came and said that if I let myself get upset they would slap an ITO on me and Andy would be going home alone upset. I rejoined the boys and by this stage there were about eight of us. I was one of the only girls but I fitted right in. I was telling some of my famous psych ward moments and I said to them, geez, you can I had a bad day at work as I was still in my work clothes, which they all found quite funny.

Then Andy came in and he and Marcus chatted and we were having a great out old time. It was about 10pm at this time. The reason it took so long, is that the adolesences kept coming in and they jumped the queue because they had to get them to the wards first. I had realised hours before that I just wanted to go home and knew they would let me but there was only one psychiatrist on duty. I eventually saw her and she was really fantastic. I am now with the acute care team and I am home and okay. It's funny you know, when I first went into the ward, I felt like the black sheep but buy the end, I was making jokes and carrying on like them, with the occasion loud fucking nurses comment. It felt like old times in the psych ward and I felt comfortable. Marcus couldn't believe the amount of seroquel I take and the fact that in his own words 'it doesn't touch the sides and that amount would make a horse go to sleep'. He was awesome, I hope he is okay because he talked about them taking him to the locked ward upstairs instead of an open ward.

I am very behind in blogs. I've not been on for nearly a day and half now. I hope you are all okay.


Tuesday, April 20, 2010

focus on what works

Today has been a really good day. I don't think it's because anything externally from me has changed that much, maybe a little, but I think today I started the day with a little bit of a different mind set. When I left today I said to myself, like I said in my post, that I was going to try and do opposite to emotion action and I did do this. At first it was a struggle and I did have some seroquel to calm the anxiety down a bit but slowly as the day started to get underway, a few things changed. Firstly one of the 'how' skills popped into my head and it is part of the effectively section focus on what works. It sounded almost too easy and it is easy but I had to figure out what worked first. When I got to work, Pauline was there and I forced myself to be nice to her and it wasn't a struggle once I started to chat and she is a lovely person, I guess I am just stressed at the moment.

I asked what she wanted me to work on today and I was pretty happy with what she gave me to do. Then it came to a bit later on and Pauline, Tanya and I talked about what was going to work out best and I got given a task that I actually like. They realise I'm not the best with the main system, so I have another job to do and they will work with that system. My job is just as important but it's something I get and I'm happy with that. When you are suddenly doing things you understand and you don't feel like you are constantly stuffing up, it does change your mindset. The other thing though is that I have gone off my meal plan over the last few days, which has probably also been making me feel not the best. I wrote MP on my hand reminding me that right now I need to stick to my meal plan, not only not going overboard but also making sure I stick to it. Therefore eating enough but not too much. I have been eating chocolate a lot over the last few days, so I have cut it back to my mini chocolate at lunch and again after dinner. The words focus on what works has been hammering through my head and it worked. It really did.

I think also putting a reminder in my calendar in outook to remind me to do the diary card, also has forced me to remember to do the skills. I thought about them at lunch time and I have been flicking through my folder that has all my homework in it. I see my psychiatrist Dr M tomorrow, so hopefully things are all fine and he has probably gotten Cecily's report by now. I have no idea what she has said, just an update I think.

I want to say thanks again to all of you who have been sticking with me throughout this tough few weeks of what seems like an up day followed by a down day. I really appreciate all of your comments and suggestions and thoughts, they mean a lot.

Okay, off to read some blogs and then I'm going to read my new book!


regulating my emotions

Sorry for one day being positive and the next, totally not! I think part of my problem is that I over-think and ruminate on issues or problems all day long. Funny thing is, yesterday I didn't have a bad day at all but I came and felt awful, even though I know I have an interview on friday for another job, which is permanent. So after I posted last night, I put on my PJs and I grabbed Solomon and went to lie on the couch. I only stayed there for about 15 minutes and then decided I would go to bed, even though it was only 7:30pm.

Part of me is at a loss as to what to do to try and help myself when I'm feel like I did last night. I think over the last few days, I have had the strongest images in my head of self harm I have had in over three years and this is all because a TV program I happened to watch, without warning I might add, that they were going to show images of a girl's self harm. I wasn't expecting it, so it did take me by surprise, but I didn't notice it had for a few days. Thing is, because I haven't done this for so so long, I had forgotten what it really looked like, which was awesome. In a way I am really pissed off that I now have these images plastered in my head. I know I am not this person anymore and I think that's why it makes this harder. I think it might be because I think I should be beyond that now. But that is like saying, oh, Sarah has had her eating disorder for nearly five years, she should be over it by now. When I think about it like that, I can see that all of these things are about your coping level and how you feel at the time.

Sure I've thought of self harm before, over the last three years, lots of time. But I think the difference is that my memories have faded so much that I could put an image to these thoughts anymore and now I can. I do know though, if I think from past experience, obviously I can forget them, because I have done it before. It will just take time.

One DBT skill that Cecily and I haven't gotten up to yet is called opposite to emotion action. If I remember it correctly, you try and do the opposite to how you are feeling. So if you are depressed, sad, feel like self harm or worse, you force yourself to behave as though your emotions are the exact opposite. You would instead portray that you felt good and happy. The reasoning behind this is that this opposite emotion may just cause you to feel that you are indeed happy. The half smile is another one. Feeling crappy at work, do the half smile, maybe eventually it really will turn into a proper one. I tell you that half smile used to piss me off when I did group DBT and we had to practice the half smile. It feels so silly when you are in a room of people practicing this in front of each other.

I feel more positive this morning. I'm reminding myself that this job is temporoary that I'm doing right now. It is also very busy right now, so the day goes quick. I have also said to myself, if it gets too tough, I will take a small does of seroquel, which I am allowed, to take the edge off the anxiety. I also have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow, so I will look forward to that too.


Monday, April 19, 2010

why am I not happy

I found out today that I have been successful in getting a job interview for the job I went for at another university, not the one I used to work at, but the one I got both of my degrees at. In fact I have worked there before, but mainly just casual stuff while I was studying there. My interview is on friday. I was happy when I found out about the interview, but I have totally lost faith in everything and why would I possibly have more of a chance than anyone else, when I feel so worthless right now. How can I possibly make them believe that I would be good at that job, when I don't believe in myself anymore. My days seem so long right now and all I long for is sleep. My days awake are filled with images of self harm or of bombing myself out on seroquel, so I don't have to think of my worthlessness all day. I feel sad, depressed and alone. I long to be asleep. I don't want to be awake. It is too hard to deal with things when you are awake. Too hard to make people feel like the world is worth something to be living in. Don't worry, I'm not suicidal, I think I am just so totally depressed and have no faith left in anything good happening to me. I love Andy with all my heart and I would never do anything to hurt myself because of him. He knows how I'm feeling. He knows about the thoughts of self harm. Cecily knows about the thoughts of self harm and her and I had a chat today anyway. She did say that I misunderstood her about blogging, that she meant that she was concerned about me being triggered when I felt like I am now. I guess I am going to be careful what I read and probably will end up in my PJs soon with Solomon and I'll lay on the couch next to Andy. I'm sorry I'm on such a downer. I guess it's because I keep thinking I am going to be stuck in temporary go nowhere jobs forever. I just want to be somewhere where people know how good my skills are. I don't see that right now. I don't feel it and it's leaching all my happiness away.


you are beautiful

I have been given the you are beautiful award by Aimee from Walking Thru Sunflowers, thanks hun! I like this one because it's about recovery!

1. What are some physical features that you love about yourself?
I love my smile and I love my hair, can I have both of them?

2. How do you personally take care of yourself?
One of the things that really helps me (when I do do it) is to do my homework that my psychologist sets for me and to really listen to my deititian Kerry. I find with homework, when I don't do it, everything gets all bottled up and it just explodes. Being mindful of what I am doing or not doing.

3. What is one thing that you are looking forward to?
I am looking forward to more time reading and scrapbooking and doing whatever I want and treasuring these times

4. Who has aided your recovery the most?
Andy, my husband. He has shown me that I can have a huge variety of foods and that in moderation, they will not make me fat!

5. What was the very las thing you ate?
This was last night (it's now 5:30am and I'm yet to eat) but the last thing I ate was a mini chocolate bar after Andy's yummy vegetable curry and I found out I like lentils, who would have thought!

6. Name one material object that you would like right now?
The third book in the series I'm reading The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest as I am almost at the end and I don't have the next one yet.

7. If you could travel anywhere where would you go?
I'd actually stay in my country and go to Tasmania. I have always wanted to go there and it's safer because I really hate planes

8. What is your biggest fear foods and how did you get over it?
My biggest fear food would be butter. I was so so scared of it and even now I have it only very occasionally on toast, though since I now prefer to have philly cheese on toast, I don't really ever have butter unless Andy cooks with it and since I'm not allowed in the kitchen when he cooks, so I don't know what he's cooking, I have no idea when we would have it.

9. What are your dreams post ED?
To go to a restaurant and order something that I don't have to spend 15 minutes weighing up the pros and cons of if I should have this or that

10. What advice would you give to someone concerning eating disorders?
If you are on this journey and you are right at the beginning, please don't ever let it get to the point where it takes over your thoughts. That may sound really silly, but if I could go back to that girl, on 25 May 2005 and tell her to never ever go on a starvation diet, I would do everything in my power to change that. Since I can't do that, I have to fight every day and fight with every fibre of my being, because I want to be happy and I want to be free forever!

I don't want to single anyone out and have others think that they are not beautiful because you all are. So I am going to give this award to everyone that wants it. You are all beautiful in different ways!


Sunday, April 18, 2010

Dear Cecily

Hi Cecily

I have a lot of mixed emotions right now. I sent an email to the clinic last night but I was angry at the time and I have asked them to please not send it to you and I really want you to not ask to read it please, as I want this message to be the one you get. I have done lots of thinking today. I have pondered on what we spoke about and I will admit I was very willing to dump you, but I think that would not serve the purpose I have in mind. I would like to continue with you, but I have a few suggestions and I would like to propose a few extra things if you are willing.

I have noticed that I have not been really participating in therapy over the last few weeks. I have lost control of my emotions and my temper so many times, that you would think that I would have thrown myself into using the skills we are doing to try and regulate these emotions, but I haven’t done that and if I must be truthful, I have been doing my homework the day before seeing you. This is not going to help as I am not practicing my skills. I have a suggestion for this and it is only because I accidentally came across a DBT website, that reminded me of this tool that I think may be helpful. The diary card. This is the site I found and suddenly I was thinking about all those little things that I haven’t been doing or participating in. I can see that I have had this enormous slip in the last little while and I won’t lie, I am having frequent thoughts of self-harm, though no real plan to act upon them. I guess it’s because I worry that if I do it once, then it will leave this open for me to do again and again. I have been self harm free since February 2007 and I would hate to break that record.

I have constant ruminations that interrupt my day and I am certainly not living in the moment. My mindfulness skills of late have been pitiful and I am sorry that I have not even tried to even help myself. Instead I have thoughts of dumping you once again because I can’t trust you or so my head tells me that is right. Why bother even trying when nothing is going to get better ever and I may as well just stay in this mindset and never change. That black and white thinking is killing me. In truth my ED is the least of my worries at the moment, as I am more concerned about the constant outbreaks of anger that make me wish I owned a punching bag that I could beat the shit out of. I feel this rage in me I am finding hard to control. Doing the leaves on the stream mindfulness CD would probably help right about then and I could put every person’s head from work on a leaf and send it away down the stream, over and over and over until it calms me down. I am not even trying.

I have found a diary card that I think would work, in conjunction with using the other homework methods that I am currently doing. I would also like to point out that in my blog, I often talk about homework. I know that you have issues with the blog triggering me, but honestly I am more triggered by visual things I see on TV than the things I read on blogger. When I feel vulnerable I stay away from blogger but I do find explaining my homework to a group and have them question how it works or tell me that they get it, really helps me to understand how it really works for me. I would like to reaffirm my commitment to therapy and including the diary card to make me more accountable to doing my homework, obviously there are things in there that we haven’t done yet, but I can fill in what we have done. It means I have to look at the card at least once a day. It is a visual reminder and I am hoping that is really going to help.

I would be interested in finding out your thoughts on this.


emotion regulation

My anger towards Cecily has died down somewhat. I will be making it clear to her that I will not stop blogging. Thanks for your comments by the way, I do believe the reason that she wants me to stop blogging as that she things that me blogging is keeping me in the ED world rather than in real life. I do not believe this to be the case and she is going to have to accept this or not, if not, I will move on to someone that wants to work with m properly. I still have the name of the lady who is a counsellor who has recovered from anorexia and I was recommended to see her by the Eating Disorders Association. I still have her name and number in my blackberry. Thing is, I do believe the things that I am experiencing right now actually don't have anything to do with the eating disorder and everything to do with borderline personality disorder symptoms. Anyway, back to the purpose of this post, what is emotion regulation?

Emotion regulation is bascially looking out how you react emotionally to events that are happening or have happened in your daily life. In most cases there is a prompting event. I am trying to look at these events by using observing and describing of emotions. In other words, there is usually something that started the emotion. Lets use an examle while I explain what this means to me. On friday I got really angry with Pauline at work. What happened was, I was about to pass her a document and I was pulling out a bent staple, she demanded it now and I said I'm just pulling the staple out, she said basically and angrilly said just give it to her. I then got very angry. Then you need to look at the prompting event for the emotion: the who; what; when and where, so what started it?

To get angry, I had to interpret what Pauline said to me in some way that caused the anger. So then I need to look at my beliefs; assumptions and appraisals of the situation. I already had a low opinion, not only of my working life right now, but that I am worthless and can't find a job where I want to be and I was stressed and really didn't want to be there. So I interpreted this event as reinforcing why I really don't want to work in this place, that it was a bad place to work, that I hate my co-workers and that I can't find a job I am happy in.

When you have a strong emotion, you also have a pretty strong body sensations, for me in this situation, my face flushed, I went stiff and tense and was in fight/flight mode. I was ready to run. This part is basically being aware of what you are feeling in your body.

What about your body language, what are your facial expression, posture and gestures. In this situation I remember giving Pauline a look of pure hatred and anger. The level of which I try to hide because it becomes so intense. I walked off to my desk instead.

The next part is action urges, what did I feel like doing and what do I want to say. I felt like grabbing my bags and telling them all the get fucked and stick their job where the sun don't shine. This of course would have quite strong ramifications. I would never be able to work for the agency I work for again as they would see me as a liability, instead of a good worker.

So what did I do or say in this situation. Nothing. I didn't look at anyone or talk to anyone for an hour. If asked a work question, I answered without looking in the least amount of words as possible. I needed to calm down in my own time and I couldn't do it there because of the open plan office, there was nowhere to hide.

What is the after effect, what effect does emotion have on me, what is my state of mind, my other emotions, behaviours, thought and memories and how does my body feel. I felt guilty. I had to remind myself to bide my time and bite my tongue. It reinforcds that I don't want to stay in this job. I have to focus my whole being on finding a new job. This job will give me money until I get another job and I will. It makes me more determined to get out of there. I remember how I felt when I was bullied in my old job, so there were a lot of negative emtions.

So this shows too that there was secondary emotion. There is always a primary emotion, which is involve your initial gut-level emotional repsonses to events. The typical primary emotions are love, joy, interest, excitement, fear, anger and sadness. You also usually get primary sensations and behaviours, which associated with the primary emotions.

My actual homework is to record situations where I notice a secondary reaction to my primary emotion. This involves judging the initial emotional response. Usually this can mean that by having the secondary reaction, you interrupt or halt the emotion, which is then replaced by the secondary reaction. I have to record what the consequences were of my secondary reaction and whether or not I felt worse. I have to add my associated thoughts, behaviours and sensations and list what the secondary reaction was.

While doing this post, I actually google a part of it I wasn't sure of and came across a website that is a little gem. I have already completed DBT once in group that lasted for a year and this website seems to have all the DBT information on it. Even the diary cards which I used to find helpful. I am considering doing more of this on my own because I know that Cecily is only using parts of DBT and I think she is also including CBT. This website DBT Self Help may be useful for those of you who want to do DBT but don't have the funds or can't get into a group in your area for one reason or another. I will probably do up some diary cards for myself and start using them. Using more of a DBT model, but also doing Cecily's homework as well. I hated the diary cards when I was in group, but I think it was only because I didn't want to read them out to the group.

Please remember that I am neither a therapist or a medical doctor or professional and I am only sharing my homework with you. If you wish to know more of what I am doing or don't understand what I have written, please email me at and I will try and answer, though if I have no idea, I will say so.


Saturday, April 17, 2010

inappropriately intense anger

I'm not happy with my life right now. I don't mean how things are with Andy, my home life is fine and I couldn't be happier with that. I have been grumpy, angry and downright crancky for the last week or so and I really am starting to question what I am doing. I do know that (a) I am not happy in my job and I am making steps to change that but now (b) I am angry with Cecily. I had a phone session with her today and she really questioned me and indicated that she thought I shouldn't blog anymore. I got really quite angry about that. She said I should use my journal or use word. I am going to send her an email to tell her I am angry and that I have feelings of wanting to dump her again. I just spoke to Andy about my blogging and he said he thinks it's good for me. Plus I love all your blogs. I don't know why I have all this anger at the moment but do think it's related to my work situation mostly. I am doing really well eating wise and this does happen from time to time. Tonight I am having the yummiest dinner and I can't wait and I have even had a bit of chocolate today.

I won't say there are no eating issues in my head, but there are other things more so that are bother me right now. I am having a great time reading, have read a lot today. I am going to start an album with my digi scrapbooking tomorrow and am currently downloading some more kits. I can't wait, these ones are awesome. I want to start my album that I am going to make (I have it downstairs) of the stories surrounding my plush friends. I know that may sound really silly, but they are all unique and have their own funny stories and I got the album for them because they always make me smile. Even Andy wants me to do it. I will probably do other pages here and there that I will put on my other blog too.

I think the real issue is right now I feel badly about myself, this is the real problem. ED has not attached himeself to this for some reason. I don't know why that is. I getting so angry at everyone in my life and it's not nice because it makes me feel bad. I want to lash out at everyone. I even had a really big lash out at Andy today. I was in the process of blogging about emotion regulation that is my new homework from Cecily and I was describing an incident that made me really angry. I was feeling the emotion right at that moment and Andy was singing. I asked him to stop but it came out wrong. He said I am sorry, we don't want to be happy around here and I got upset. I deleted the post, got my bag, put on my shoes and just walked out with him saying stop, what's wrong, stop. I stopped but refused to speak and in the end I said that I didn't mean to upset him, but I was doing homework and I was feeling the feeling all over again. In the end I came back inside and I read him my homework. Though I must admit (and sorry if this offends) I feel like telling Cecily to stick it where the sun don't shine. This anger is driving me insane! Wish I was a kickboxer/boxer as I would love to kick the shit out of a punching bag every night I come home from work and then for an hour or so one weekends. If I can get this anger out somehow, it would be great! Any suggestions guys?


Friday, April 16, 2010

even saying it helped

I'm okay, I really am and on my gosh it felt good to get that last post out. I feel like I have released it and I can work on it. I have printed it out and I will do the behaviour chains and what-not in the morning relating to not only that post but monday's post too. I am trying but I am just finding this work situation so hard that my brain goes into meltdown and wants to run as far away as I can.

I will not let this get me and I'm stronger than that. Saying it can release it and I know this already, writing and admitting, can go a long way to solving or at least bearing with the problem. This won't be forever, I just have to bite my tongue and bide my time.


let's be honest

I have so many conflicting thoughts right now that it's hard to know where to start. We all know that I hate my job. Today this went up a notch. I hate it even more. I got so angry today at work when one of the other ladies there was rude to me, that I refused to talk or even look at or acknowledge anyone else in the office for an hour. You might think this is childish and in a way it is. They knew full well just how angry I was and they're lucky they didn't push me further or I would have screamed at them or did what I really wanted to do, run up the stairs and cut my arm up. I didn't do either but it was only by the smallest of margins.

I ate some lollies/sweets and a couple of chocoate biscuits and felt so bad, that I moved them so I couldn't see them and then decided that I needed something that wasn't junk food instead and had a slice of bread with some philly cheese. I then only ate half my lunch because I was so full and then had these burps that I kept bringing up this awful lunch, so I purged. Now I don't know whether this was a proper purge because it was only related to me feeling sick and trying to relieve me bringing up my food. I didn't purge until I was empty, I purged a bit to relieve the feeling I had and then I stopped. I still purged though, but I did feel awful before then. I guess the only reason I am calling this a purge, is because it was secret, no one knows, not even Andy though he knows I puked, not that I caused it.

I feel out of control. Tonight I felt like my belly was big, so I had my normal movicol that Kerry has asked me to take to combat the constipation and then drank a bottle of prune juice. I also drank these things before dinner so I would be full and then I only ate Indian curry vegetables, a tiny bit of rice and the smallest bit of naan bread. I am now full, which I am happy about and I have my water to keep me company for the rest of the night.

I haven't used any skills. I only have a phone interview with Cecily tomorrow because I didn't want to see her. I want to run away in the middle of the night so so bad. I don't want anyone to know where I am, though I would tell Andy I was okay. I would take Harold and Solomon and I would find a place where I could hide and lose all the weight I have put back on since the whole time I have been in recovery and go back to my smallest weight and I would have no friends and no one would care of miss me or want to know where I was.

And I feel so out of control, I think I am going to explode. And yes, this scares the shit out of me. I don't know what to do. I hate the way I feel and I don't feel safe. I really don't like the way things are right now. Not with Andy, he is really good. He makes me feel safe and I don't want to dump this on him. For him to know that I keep thinking of my arms all cut up and remember what that felt like, both at the time and when they were healing, is awful. I've been avoiding blogger. I didn't want to come on and say how I was feeling, not only because I didn't really know but I didn't want you all think I was a fuck up, which is how I feel right now. Sometimes I wonder what the point is of having to work, when it makes you feel so shit and you don't like anyone at all. I don't even want to be near Caitlin anymore. I want to get out so bad and there's nowhere to go.


going nowhere

I have had some strange days of late and for once it hasn't centered around my ED, though I can still see in the background. One of the things I have realised this week, is that I hate my job. I mean really hate it. I have been grumpy at work, snapping at people and I don't like what I am doing because it's not something I find easy to do. I am doing data entry for grants. Give me my old systems and a bunch of students and I'm happy as a pig in mud and I'm very good at it. I found out that the old job I did, they now have two people doing the work that I did because one can't handle it. I also found out that the new timetable person is really bad at timetabling.

Some good news though (though it's not definite), it's possible I may be going back to work at the uni I used to work at. I would be working in a different school but under the same faculty and the good thing is that, I know all the admin staff and the head of school is my old uni lecturer from way back and he knows me. I have to wait to find out, but it they get approval to have me, it is possible it would go through until february next year. Fingers crossed! I miss that place and I miss the students. One of the things that drives me nuts too at my current job, is that my supervisor speaks in a baby voice a lot of the time, unless she is in meetings or is speaking on the phone. I want to throw something at her.

I saw Kerry yesterday and she didn't weigh me. She has decided that she will only weigh me if I start to think my clothes are tight. She thinks even her weighing me will be come an obsession and thought it was a bad idea. She is happy with how I am going and I'll see her in two weeks. She doesn't want to change anything either yet because she wants me to get used to the changes she has already made before she does so. I do have my moments when I am avoiding some foods but most doing okay. I see Cecily tomorrow morning and I must admit I don't feel like going. I will though because I know I need to. I guess I'm kind of over life at the moment, not that I don't want to live, but I just don't feel like my normal self. I feel cranky and grumpy and short tempered, except at home. I feel bad when I'm like this at work because no one knows what to say to me because I refuse to speak or only give one word answers. I hope this gets better because I feell like I'm going nowhere right now.


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I realise

I realise that I am so far behind in blogs that I can't catch up. I'm sure I will eventually, so sorry for not commenting so much in the last few days. It's been busy and I would have caught up last night, had I not gone to bed at 7:30pm because my back was sore and I was so so tired.

I hope there have been no disasters while I have been absent. I will catch up when I can I promise :-)


Tuesday, April 13, 2010

tired and miss you all

I'm so tired. My back is killing me. I do have good news though. I got the job application done and in on time and now I just have to wait to see what happens with it. What will be will be. I'd like to report though, that I have for four days now, eaten all the things in my meal plan. I've not known my weight. I've done what I was supposed to do with treating the constipation according to Kerry's directions. I have not felt a burning need to know what my weight was, the only hiccup lately was saturday morning, which was to be expected, as it was my first day in nearly five years, that I didn't weigh myself as soon as I got up. I feels good about not knowing the number. I don't want to know the number. I like not knowing the number. I know I will be weighed on thursday morning when I see Kerry. I'm still not sure about that, as it will be the first time having a weigh-in with her. I still do not want to know the number though. My belly is also feeling normal. I know I used to talk alot about how big my belly was, but I think that was partly due to the constant going between restriction and eating and the constipation. It feels good to have what I see as a normal sized belly that doesn't feel huge or enormous.

I'm going to keep this short tonight, due to the sore back and I'm really tired. I haven't been able to blog all day, as I was working on my application right up until I submitted it at 6:40am this morning, after getting up at 5am. I worked on it until I went to bed last night. I then went to work today and have not been home long. I want to lay on the couch and stare at the TV with Solomon (and Andy of course).

I will be back reading blogs as soon as I can! I miss you guys, so thanks for reading anyway!


Monday, April 12, 2010

turning the day around

I didn't wake up feeling the best today. I felt an overwhelming feeling of anxiety and had some very strange thoughts indeed, including that a friend of mine was going to kill themselves. They have shown that they have thought about this recently, they OD'd a few weeks ago. It actually popped into my head yesterday afternoon and I couldn't shake it. Then this morning I ended up, accidently on two blogs that had only just in the last few days had someone actually do this. I was starting to get a little paranoid and I was getting more and more anxious. I was having some problems with organising my thoughts as well. On the way to work Andy called me to tell me to settle down and relax. I then sat down and did some of my homework. Those cards I did in my last post were really helpful and I had my little badger Bracken with me too. I wrote a really messed up page in my journal and then got to work and put Bracken on my desk so I could see him and realised that both Caitlin and I didn't want to be there. When I feel like that, I find it really hard to stay.

Then I started to get dizzy with vertigo. I had this really bad last year for just over two weeks and it sucked. I was getting motion sick at that time, just walking around. I kept at it though and had lunch but then it got worse. I realised it wasn't going to get better when I signed in the wrong section on this really important form on the original with pen and said to myself, you have to go, you can't even concentrate. I told the acting boss and she was lovely, she actually gave me a taxi voucher to get home, because they were concerned about the dizziness on the train. When I got home sat around for a bit and then I started to work on a job application that is due tomorrow. The great thing, is that I just had the right words to say in the application today. It flowed well and I felt really good about it at the end. Andy is now checking it for me before I send it off. As soon as I had done that, which was a good two hours of concentration, I got the vertigo back. Wierd. Good thing is my GP, Jane, gave me these really good tablets, so I am hoping if I take them over the next few days, this will go away and it will all have just been stress and anxiety.

I was so embarrased what I wrote in the first two pages of my new journal (I couldn't rip the pages out because of how the book is made) that I used some permanent dry adhesive from my scrapbooking stash and glued the first two pages together. I don't normally do that but my thoughts were way out there. I will do a behaviour chain about the events and I will also do the emotion mind, reasonable mind and wise mind sheets too as they were the ones that I used this morning anyway to get through. I hate days like I've had today. I hate how I feel when I have an almost mini psychotic episode. It all seems so real at the time and then when I think logically, I can see how off I was.

Tonight I am going to read my book. I need to relax after today and I just can't blog. I don't want to stir it all up again. I need to do homework for Cecily. I just got my corrected application back from Andy and I need to fix that up tonight too. I know tomorrow will be better. I think I was stressing a bit about this job and whether to apply for it or not. Andy wants me to go part-time and I do too but I worry about the money. In the end having decided to have a go, I'll see how I go. It is an administration job at the university I got both of my degrees at and I've worked there before. I don't know how I'll go. I don't want to go back to the old university I worked for if I can help it. This is a permanent job. I would love to be back there but I'll think about that later. One of my big goals right now is to find permanent work. I am sick of being a temp. I have until the end of June in the job I am in and I will find something. I will work my butt off to get a new job and it's easier when you have money coming in while you look.

Wrote way more than I meant to. Okay, off to read my book. I hope you are all doing okay. Thanks for all your lovely comments about my groovy cards in my last post and WOW, look at all of you reading. I am in awe of this! Every one of you, be kind to yourself. Some advice I am about to follow myself.


Sunday, April 11, 2010

homework from Cecily

So I was given a creative type of homework by Cecily and after much consideration of how I was going to achieve the outcome, I have come up with the perfect idea. What I had to do was make some cards or something to remind me of my mindfulness stuff when I am out and about. Often this is when I forget stuff and have a meltdown and don't use the tools I have been learning for the last two months. Yesterday's session with Cecily was a review session. We went over what we had done already, I wrote up the stuff I really had to remember and I signed a release for her to talk to both Kerry and Dr M, my psychiatrist, so they all know where we are at in therapy.

First of all though I'd like to say that I have been following the meal plan that Kerry gave me, with surprising results. I have not been hungry between meals and I am getting three meals, plus two snacks a day. I am also not constipated. This is huge. I haven't been going to the bathroom normally, well with the methods that are not harmful to me, for years. I am now going every day and my belly feels so much better. I don't feel so big now.

Back to the homework from Cecily. Firstly I had to think about how I was going to carry these cards around, you can see the gorgeous journal that I got in this post here. The journal has a magnetic clip that closes it right up, so I can put the cards in there. One of the things too was a safety object, which I chose Bracken, the little badger in the same post with the journal. He is very small and will fit in my bag. I often feel comfort from little plush friends and so I went looking for one that would fit any of my bags. As for the cards, I decided to use papers and elements from my digital scrapbooking stuff. As I was designing, I had a good idea of how to print them, onto photographic paper, but from a actual photo lab. This makes the image permenant, without me having to use my own paper and ink or get them printed on a colour laser photocopier. I have decided to share the cards with you. You can click on the image to make it larger as they are pretty big files. I will put the credits below at the end, as listed in the terms of use for these images.

Card One - this is probably the first card I need to pull out. It will remind me of the things I need to do right in the moment.

Card two - the states of mind. This is where I need to look at my thoughts and what type of thinking I am having right at that moment. The idea is a combination of reasonable mind and emotion mind, which makes up wise mind. I do find this useful when I remind mysel of it. 

Card three - the what and how skills work really well together, but most important are being able to observe and describ how you what you are feeling. Identifying what is really going on and being able to put it into words. You can't do anything about it if you don't know what the problem is. 

Card four - using the observe and describe with these three how skills, works really well when you can really get your mind to it. It is tricky to get used to these but using them when you really need to, helps so much.

Card five - for some weird reason this one has come out funny, not sure why. Anyways, this is just a reminder again of what skills I am using. 

Card six - I find this so helpful and it's really easy. What are your thoughts right at that moment. For example, I am noticing the thought that I wish to restrict. You wouldn't use judgmental words because you are actually also at the same time, trying to not judge yourself, even if you notice yourself judging. I really like urge surfing. 

Card seven - I need to remind myself why I am seeking treatment. This is why and I must remember that everytime I feel the urge to restrict or use another type of maladaptive behaviour.

After I made these cards I wanted to know whether they would work on photographic paper and they did work really well. I think it's because the file size is huge and I have kept the image quality very high. I am going to mount them onto card paper in some way, but haven't quite decided that far.

If you've read this far, you're awesome. I know some people may find this boring but I also know that there are some of you out there that cannot see someone to help with how you are going with your EDs or BPD or any type of feelings that are overwhelming. If any of you have questions, you can either post a comment or you can email me at I will get back to you as soon as I can. I will say though, I am not a professional, I am just sharing my homework, so please bear that in mind. 


credits; Card one, paper by Katef Summer Fizz kit, elements by Dawn Inskip A Wild Adventure kit. Card two, paper by Lindsay Jane Designs Essential Spring kit, elements by Dawn Inskip The Inch Loss Plan kit. Card three, paper by Lindsay Jane Designs Summer Romance kit. Card four, paper by LorieM In My Heart kit. Card five, paper by Dawn Inskip Cat & Mouse kit, elements by Dawn Inskip A Wild Adventure kit and Joanne Bain Springtime Kisses kit. Card six, paper by Dawn Inskip The Inch Loss Plan kit, elements by Katef Summer Fizz kit and Dawn Inskip Cat & Mouse kit. Card seve, paper by Dawn Inskip This is it kit, elements by Dawn Inskip Balance is Beautiful  and A Wild Adventure kits. All kits available from PickleBerryPop.

New boots

It was quite cool this morning, though you wouldn't know it from today. Considering we are in autumn, it is really really hot today. This morning it was all foggy.

it was really cool at this time of the morning

even the birds were sticking together

so when I went to the shops, I was cold and saw these boots

I really love them :-)

Homework is still under construction, come back and have a look a little later!


Saturday, April 10, 2010


So I have been tagged several times today, so thought I would just do one post on it including all the tags, so thanks guys :-P  I just wanted to say sorry to the tags I got over the last week and never completed.

What I will do though, because I'm a pain in the arse, I will answer the tags and add the photos but I will let anyone who wants to join in do so, so I will change to rules to suit me and not tag anyone (I'm just too lazy today, but it's fun to do this anyway).

First today I as tagged by les jeune fille à les oiseaux and her questions are below

1. if you could be anywhere in the world, at anytime and with anyone, where would you be and why?
This is going to be a boring answer but I say here, home with Andy and all my craft stuff and my computer and plush friends, because I feel safe here and I can wear whatever I want, because Ziggy likes disorganisation and mismatched colours, lol.
2. who do you look up to, celebrity, family or other?
My old boss Yvette because she taught me how to be confident and not be afraid to be different, she is awesome
3. what qualities do you wish you had?
I wish I wouldn't shut down and go silent and run away when I'm scared and just be able to face what the problem is head on with confidence
4. what qualities in yourself do you have that you love?
I know that I am very caring and have empathy towards others and want to help
5. what do you most admire in a person?
Honesty, because that is not always easy or pretty
6. define beauty for me, in your own words.
Beauty is looking at things in a different way and seeing beyond what others see, the hidden stuff
7. what would you die for?
I find this one hard but for Andy I would do anything. If he needed my heart, because he was going to die, I'd give it
8. what is your favorite way to express yourself and why?
Being silly and a little off beat with a weird sense of humour, everyone just thinks I'm crazy, lol
9. what about your future are you most looking forward to?
Being free
10. tell me something random about yourself.
A random embarrasing moment that I reckon could only happen to me, I was walking through a park and a pigeon flew straight into me, obviously it didn't have very good eyesight and the little thing bloody hurt too

Then I was given an awesome sunshine award by petal from don't let her eat cake. Thank you for the awesome award and yes orange does go with my blog.

This does match my blog, so I tag everyone! Yes, I am lazy!

As for the tea party, I will have to see how I go with photos tomorrow morning. I don't have my tea cup out at the moment. But I do have two quick photos of our afternoon drinks. Me, Ziggy and Bracken, though Bracken was more just a presense in the photo and Ziggy was blind rotten drunk.

 The group photo.

What can I say, he made me do it!

I will get to my homework with Cecily tomorrow. I have a fair bit of creating to do before then, which I will post on here as it's proper homework, even though it's creative.

Message to Andy, yes I got your tag too, but I think we were tagged together, so I am wrigling my way out of doing another one, I am so lazy today it's not funny, lol! You're awesome though :-)


how to feel better

I am back from seeing Cecily and I will go into the homework for that later, but after my stressful teary morning, I decided that I did a few things to get me through the next week until I see Kerry on thursday and have my first weigh-in where I have no clue what I weigh and probably will not know for a very long time.

I know that I love plush friends (I hate the term stuffed toys). I decided I needed a cute little plush friend that was small enough to fit in my bag but also cute enough to engage me into falling in love with it and to basically in a way use it for mindfulness and being present in the moment at that time. I find bears and such so comforting that I figured I don't care what I pay, I jsut want a bear that speaks to me and I found him. He is a little blue nose badger called Bracken. He is so cute and he is actually really small. I am in love with him already.

He is just so cute and he's perfect for my bag. He is having a snooze right now with Ziggy and the others.

I also decided, that since part of my homework was to express how I was feeling, I would buy a new journal and carry it around with me. Then I can just write what is going on and get it out, no matter where I am. In the same shop I found Bracken, I found this gorgeous journal and I'm really looking forward to using it. 

It has these gorgeous embossed leaves on the front and back and it has a magnetic section to keep it closed.

It also has montivational quotes on the top of some of the pages and the the spine allows the book to sit flat, which is great!

The last thing is an iTunes voucher. I have been listening to some of Caitlin's music at work and I really want to find one particular album.

I will go into the other homework later on but I will have the opportunity to make it crafty and colourful, so I am kinda looking forward to it. 

Oh and thanks for the tags and missions and what not, I promise I will try and get to them later on today. I am so emotionally exhausted right now it's not funny.

I think I need to spend some time with these guys!