Monday, May 31, 2010

moving on

I have been thinking about what to do about Cecily today and I have come up with a plan that I think will be okay. One thing I have noticed over the last few weeks I have seen her is that each session has been about reminding me of my skills. We haven't talked about adding new ones because frankly, my issue is distress tolerance and interpersonal effectiveness. We have gone over both of these sections and I am thinking that it might be time for a break with Cecily. My idea is that there is going to be no change until I know what happens with this job I am doing and have now applied for as permanent. The applications were due today and I got mine in on time. I know with the uni I work at, that you usually have an interview time for the end of the week or the beginning of the following week. I would say I will know by the end of this week if I have an interview and I would be really surprised if I didn't at least get that. I am already doing the job and I'm doing it well as far as I can tell. I am getting taught lots of things and included in timetabling meetings and things, so I would be really shocked if I wasn't invited for an interview.

This is where it gets tricky with Cecily. If I get the job, I will probably terminate seeing Cecily and transfer the practice of the skills to Andy and Dr M. I spoke to Andy before and he said he is happy for us to sit down and look at the skills and for him to remind me and prompt me when I am feel distress, of what I should do. Then I would transfer the management of DBT to my psychiatrist - Dr M - as he is pretty clued in on how it all works. He was the one that first suggested DBT before I did it about 4 years ago.

The trick is what to do if I don't get the job. Part of all my stress since October last year has been about work. So if I don't get the job, I know I will be quite upset and I will need extra support from Cecily. I will have to try and figure out what to do about myself and work but I could very well get depressed again. This would suck, but I guess all things are for a reason. I think the balance is probably, as I see it, 60% I feel I will get the job and 40% I feel I won't. I just don't know for sure and I do get along with everyone, but every interview I have ever gone to at this uni for a permanent job, I haven't gotten. I have been told that I have done very well in the interview but the other person has a higher level of skills. In this case the job I am going for is in my specialty. I might still not get it, but I think I have a stronger chance. The other thing in my favour is that 3 other staff members got jobs there in my office currently got their jobs by being a temporary there first. But of course, there is always a chance I won't get it and there is no point weighing up the chance of getting it or not. I have to get an interview first.

So that is my plan. If I get the job, I would see Cecily until we had tied up all the loose ends and if I don't get the job, I will see her until I know what I am moving on to and see where that is and how I will still see her. I just want to have a break for now. I just want to spend my lunchtime chilling out and relaxing reading a book. Keep your fingers and toes cross for me!

*hugs*
Sarah

looking for that spot of colour instead of the black and white

difference is what makes us all unique

Well today is the day that my application is due and it's all ready to be handed in to the human resources office. I feel so much better now it's actually done and I can move on to other things or at least past that thing until I hear about interviews.

Thank you so much to all of you that commented on my last post. I actually found that post one of the hardest I've had to write. I think because I have these expectations of myself. I know when I tell people in my real life how old I am they are shocked because I apparently look about 10 years younger. Thing is, age is not a huge thing in my real life and I am actually really childish in my humour (as is Andy) so no one really would know my age but then my dad is like me in that he looks a hell of a lot younger than he is. When I think about things that I think people my age are doing, like having kids and working, marriage, paying off their houses. I guess I'm different and I do like that. I get excited when I get a new, I'm not sure of the term, those little decoration thingies that you put through the holes of your crocs, like I have lady bird on one and a little dude on the other but I have other ones too. Enough of that!

Back to the body thing. When I think about it, the difference is so slight, it's just that I can feel and see that I am slightly bigger. On a positive note, my old jeans now fit me again. I really like these jeans but sometimes they are too big. I want to learn to really love my body for it's own size and not try and get an idea of what I think I should be. I don't want to be anorexic when I'm forty. I want to be able to say and mean it, that I love my body and don't think about numbers anymore. The number part I still have to work on. I am still fluctuating back and forth with the loving my body thing, but at least I am reaching that point for part of the time. It will just be that it stays like that longer and one day I will be there.

About the comments
Jennifer ~ I saw your age in your profile when I first started commenting on your blog and it was one of the things that attracted me to reading your blog. I never thought a person around our ages should still have an eating disorder and I think that is why I was so scared to say how old I was.

Dana ~ I related to your comment a lot. I also don't know why I have an aversion to my body being a normal size either. I guess I think I am not good enough if I am not able to keep at a small weight. I don't know. You're right though about the use of the word normal. I wish I could just let that one go :-)

kourtnee ~ For some strange reason I realised that I wasn't following you still. I had a huge computer glitch while on blogger a few months ago and I lost a couple of blogs, so glad I found you again. You are right that size is just a number, I guess I wish I could shoot all those numbers that pop into my head all day. I really am trying to not think about those things so much now.

mariposai/Sarah ~ I really want to achieve being able to accept myself but I seem to get cut off all the time. I know that is part of recovery too but I think I am slowly slowly getting there. I guess the thing I am sick of is the checking constantly that I am on track, which can take an entire day and then it starts again the next. It's just not what I want my life to be anymore. Don't worry about the epic comment, it was a good comment :-)

Lucie ~ I related to your comment and sometimes I wish I that I could get those things though my head that I can't have a teenager's body at my age. I could but would it make me happy, NO! I guess I have to stop thinking it's something that is important in life. Life is for living. Give me my craft stuff to make cards any day over weighing and checking all day long!

Radagast ~ You are so right, I have to stop giving a shit how I look, but for me it will be maintaining my health. I just am getting so sick of chasing my tail. One week feeling good, the next not so much and I have to focus on changing that. I should do things I love to take my mind of it and eventually it will go away. You can't hold one single thought for long without it waning eventually.

Silly Girl ~ I think I'm still getting there with the complete happy with my body but I'm going to try really really hard to actually change that thinking into something positive!

Stephanie ~ I'm glad this made you smile and one day I will find freedom. I really hope all of us struggling with our weight, whether to lose or put on weight, manage to be happy in the end :-)

Let us all be free!

*hugs*
Sarah

Difference is what makes us all unique!

Sunday, May 30, 2010

acceptance

I have been fighting this for years and over the last week I've been going back and forward with how I feel about this. I have to accept that I will probably not be the size I was, even when I had put back on my weight. I am one size bigger than I'd like, but for the first time I am going to be honest with you all. I am a lot older than a lot of you and I have never told you how old I am because I felt that I would not be accepted by you at all.

I am 35 years old and I can't keep chasing the weight I want to be just because I think I look better at that weight. That weight is so hard to maintain, so very hard. I have to restrict constantly to do it. In Australia most places start at a size eight (though you can get a six occasionally) but an eight is normally the smallest size. I have been an eight when I was too small. I then stayed at a 10 mostly up until recently, up until I stopped weighing myself so much. I am kind of in between a 10 and a 12 but a 12-14 is probably the most common weight in my own opinion. I have to face the fact that to be normal, to be comfortable and not struggle, I probably need to stop stereotyping myself and others. I say others in that I am always looking at other women and what size they are. I don't judge them for it (mostly) but I do compare myself. I use to never be happy with the small skinny girls and for a while I was one and I loved it, but I hardly ate and it sucked. I think it's myself though that I judge the harshest. I need to let go of the past and move towards being happy. I was happy with myself until I knew my weight, could see I had put on weight and then tried desperately to lose it all again. I weighed myself this morning. I have lost weight since the last weigh-in and I keep thinking why do I bother when I know I could pretty well stay at a normal weight and I mean normal by happy people standards and not my own warped standards.

Thing is, I have been more happier lately than I have in a while. I won't lie, I do have issues with my body still. That isn't going away overnight, but I'm not fat. I am a normal weight. I am okay and I will continue to be okay and I am not going to torture myself so much anymore and it is torture. All day long every day. I want the freedom to not have to think about the scone I ate this afternoon. That I don't need to worry about the butter I put on the scone or the jam I put on after that. I don't want to worry that I am cooking nachos for dinner tonight or that I will have less chips because then I don't have to worry about the calories and calories make me so tired. I suck at math, so I usually get it wrong anyway, but I don't want to count anymore. I want to be normal Sarah, that can have fun and be sociable and be fine with what food is put in front of her within reason. Eating normally and not stuffing myself. I want freedom!!!!!

[edit] Please don't shoot me down in flames for saying what I think a normal weight is. If I had a clue, I wouldn't be in this mess to start with! 

*hugs*
Sarah

The Music Lover's Award

Thank heaps Helen for this award.
Here are the rules.
1. list your 10 favourite songs on your ipod.
2. state the colour of your ipod.
3. pass on to 11 music loving bloggers.

One
Favourite songs are:
Breathe Me - Sia
Incomplete Lullaby - Lisa Mitchell
Sometimes I Feel Like Alice - Lisa Mitchell
Almost Rosey - Tori Amos
Tear in Your Hand - Tori Amos
Curtain Call - Tori Amos
Better - Regina Spektor
Eet - Regina Spektor
Lonely Hands - Angus & Julia Stone
A Book Like This - Angus & Julia Stone
(there are so many more that I can't list here)


Two
My ipod is a tiny pale green 8gb nano but I also have a white 30gb one as well that is a little old.

Three
I said I wasn't going to be a chicken and pick 11 music lovers but I am going to chicken out and say that anyone who wants to have a go, go for it. It's fun trying to think of your favourite songs and interesting to see what others like.

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Bella & the Boys

Some of you may (or may not) know that I have seven little plush friends that I love and would feel lost without. It may sound strange but I just like that they have their own little personalities, often extensions of my own personality, but cuter, lol! Anyway, I am making a digital scrapbook album about them, just for fun,  because in the process I will be learning about digital scrapbooking, which I kinda like a lot more than regular scrapbooking. So here is the title page of this album - thought this would be a fun thing to do tonight, rather than being depressed. So here is the result of me playing around with the digital scrapbooking and trying out some new elements I got today.

Click to make larger.

Bearing in mind this is just the title page of the album. So from top right (with the bow of course) is Ziggy. Then comes Cookie (otherwise known as the Cookie Monster). Looking out the window is my little hippo, Harold. Under Harold is Solomon, my cuddly polar bear and right now, his little red scarf is keeping him nice and warm in this cold weather. At the bottom is Sigmund, who is actually Ziggy's older and more sensible brother. Up to the left is Grovie (otherwise known as Grover) and in the middle is the cuttest little beige bunny, Bella. Bella is the newest of all of them, the group once known just as 'the boys'. It sounded too silly to say 'the boys and girl', so the group of my most favourite plush friend, are now called Bella and the Boys. The boys have all promptly fallen in love with the personality of little Bella.

I had lots of fun trying to take photographs of them all and I seriously have a heap of photographs of most of them. I find it fun trying to surprise Andy with funny photos and it always makes him laugh. It's one of the things we both love about each other, is our sense of humour and our silliness and he seriously is the only one that really gets my sense of humour. He is awesome and so are my cute little friends :-)
*hugs*
Sarah

Credits: All papers and elements from PtiteSouris Design' A Paradise Exotic kit ~ available from Digital Créa. Font Rockwell from Microsoft Word, with a fill/outline effect.

a big ball of everything

Do any of you remember the Mr Men character Mr Messy? He was a sort of oval/round-ish character made up of pink squiggly lines, well, that's how my brain feels right now. I didn't sleep very well last night. I woke up at odd times thinking it was morning already but of course it was only 3am. I thought about getting up, but lay down for just a moment and then it was 6am. I have these crazy emotions going on. I am thinking a lot of my Nana, though as yet we don't know how she is, not good. Her surgery, I found out this morning for her broken ankle, meant to be done Tuesday, has been postponed four times because there were more urgent cases. This really pisses me off, just because she is old, doesn't mean she is worth anything less. I believe that she will die before she gets the surgery and that is just bullshit. I am so fucking again.

On other things, Cecily was fine. We talked about the job I am putting my application in for on Monday, the job I am already doing. I am terrified that I won't be good enough and have had some "well why would they want me" thoughts, even though I know I am doing a good job. I really really want this job. Carmen, my old workmate from my old job spoke to the girl who did the job before me (ironically she is in my old job and I am going for hers). Anyway, she said the only reason she left was because when she started, the timetabling, which was her job, was meant to be rotated to different people but she got stuck with it and she wanted to do more than that. I on the other hand, love timetabling and would be quite happy to do it all day long. I also get to do other things like student enquiries and graduation checks and stuff and those things are kind of fun. I think this job would really suit me and I know that Steve, my manager is apparently I really really nice guy. So that would be nice. I also like Julie a lot too. I actually don't dislike anyone that works in the office. We have this awesome associate dean who runs around with no shoes on and is pretty hilarious. I think he is awesome! Please everyone think of me and keep your fingers crossed that I get this job. I am going to give it the best shot I can.

Back to Cecily, we also talked about her leaving at some point. She is completing her honours year at uni in psych and part of that is me or her treating me with the assistance of her supervisor. In some ways it's good, because it's cheap, but she is still very good. I guess I am attached to her already and I hate the thought of losing her. I don't know when this is. I don't think it's at the end of this semester, which finishes next week, but maybe the end of the year at the end of semester two. We really talked about how I see 'the voices' that I get in my head, the guard and the eating disorder voice that seems to change constantly. There was Alice, but she has re-integrated back, so she is not here anymore as Alice. We talked about what I think they are and I said that they are parts of me that splinter off and become quite formed as separate. The guard is the only one that never changes, his job has always been to dissociate me when I am feeling anxiety. He sits at the front, though I cannot always feel him and he will pull me in when I am really anxious or if he feels like I am experiencing intense emotional anxiety. When it happens, it's so fast, I am there and I am then gone. I'm not engaged at all and it's noticeable to other people. I said that are not completely separate to me, so no one takes over. In a way it's like me naming my plush friends and their personalities are all parts of what my personality is. For example, Ziggy loves drugs, alcohol and gloo (glue) and loves glittery things and nail polish and his pink headband. He is the Sarah that will take valium at the drop of a hat, that loves playing with ink and glue and glitter and loves pink and purple and painting my nails. It's funny when you look at them all and how they fit. I never realised that I had really done this with them until Dr M one day said, when I was telling him about "Bella and the Boys" that they were all parts of me. I then did think about it and it's true, I just like naming things.

So tomorrow is card class whoop! I am so excited about this. I am going down soon to make some real cards. I got the stamp I won and I am going to try some of the cards that I saw in the magazine that they used the stamp I won and I have a few ideas of my own. By the end of the day, I will at least have done one card and I am hoping to finish the first page in my digital album on Bella and the Boys. I am having fun with that.

Thanks so much to all of you for your comments. I have had a rough week this week and I fear next week will be just the same. There is the unknown of the job and the unknown of what is happening with my Nana but knowing that my mum, a nurse, says it is not good and prepare myself.

I will check out your blogs later. Please forgive my inability to do so lately. I will catch up as soon as I can.

*hugs*
Sarah

found this photo online and thought it was a pretty awesome coloursplash photo!

Friday, May 28, 2010

sadness

It looks like my Nana is dying. She went in to surgery yesterday to fix a broken ankle and it went really badly. She has way too much fluid in her body and she isn't doing very well. My mum is rushing over to the UK from Australia on Monday to be there for her, but really, I think she is going to fix things up afterwards. My mum is a nurse, so she wouldn't just go over there in a flash if this wasn't really bad. I'm doing okay.  I had a huge cry before and as I was walking home in the dark and in the rain, it felt approiate to say goodbye to her. To tell her it's okay for her to go. Andy met me halfway home and walked with me and my eyes are so sore from crying. I am also getting a cold and have sore glands and a sore throat. Feeling awful actually. I'm also tired. Work is going well and Cecily went really well today too. More on that later, maybe tomorrow. I'm not really up to reading blogs yet or commenting. Though I try, I hope I can start to get my words back soon. I'm still struggling with that. I also have to finish my application by the end of sunday for the job that is vacant in my workplace I am going for (I am only a casual at the moment but this job is permanent). There is a lot happening in my life, but part of me is too exhausted to deal with it. I guess working again full time is hard when I had so much time off, I am not used to it. I'm probably going to bed early tonight too. I could sleep now but I haven't had dinner. Not that I'm hungry, I'm not actually, but I will eat soon. We are having Chinese takeaway and it's being delivered soon. I hope my brain is back soon. Also, thank you all, for all your comments and suggestions. I really do appreciate the time you have all spent to read and comment. You are all awesome!

*hugs*
Sarah

To my Nana, love you lots and lots, be safe and travel well. I will never forget you *hugs*

there are no words

I am having trouble getting words out. There are simply no words to describe how I am feeling. I wish there were. I am seeing Cecily today, so I hope speaking to her will help. I have stated new posts that many times and deleting them, that I gave up. I hope you are all doing okay, as I can't seem to read or comment much right now :-(

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

rewind

I have come to the conclusion today that my eating disorder will probably always be there to some extent. I have noticed that I have put on weight and not only because of the number I saw on the weekend but also because my pants are tighter. I don't like it. It makes me feel like shit. Last time I got to this point, I had a relapse that lasted six months. I am giving up on dietitians. I don't think they can tell me how to deal with this any better than I am. I have not quit Cecily. I am thinking that therapy really needs to be how I change things. It's my thinking that's fucked up, not my food. I am eating three meals and two snacks a day and I get good nutrients. Andy and I spoke earlier and I would be starting again AGAIN. I don't trust Kerry anymore. I still trust Cecily. I have now been seeing her six months, which I never thought would happen. My changes need to be made with my thinking and sticking it out in therapy when, like now, I don't feel like it's working. Cecily and I will work that out. I have hit a hump and I just keep on moving. I will tell you guys one thing that most of you will disagree with most likely. I know that I work best when I know my weight. When I don't, it's a free for all that ends up in me feeling like this. Andy and I have decided that once a week, I can know my weight. I know that I'm more than a number, but I feel like if I know the number, I can keep on an even keel. It keeps me from over eating, which is something I have done before and I have been overweight and I don't want to be there again. I cannot tell by my clothes I've put on weight, until I've put it on and then it ends up like I am now. Unhappy with my body and feeling like shit. I can't go on like this. I hate myself right now. All day I can feel my pants are tighter and seriously, it makes me want to self-harm, though I didn't say that to Andy. I hate not knowing but knowing that I feel awful and knowing that everyone wants me to not know the stupid number. The only reason it got so bad four-eight weeks ago, was because I was depressed about my job, ran away from the job, wanted to be back where I am now and felt like there was no point to anything. The number issue was a symptom of my depression and it always is. The obsession with numbers only gets really bad when I can't control anything else in my life. Right now I am happy at work, hoping to stay there and don't want to relapse again and lose this opportunity. I won't be seeing that dietitian. In fact I won't be seeing any dietitian. I will just continue with Cecily and I am happy with that. I am so pissed off at myself for letting this get me right now. I need to focus on my work, cardmaking and most of all Andy. I have to get this right this time. I can't handle the up and downs. I want to just be left to do what works for me and get better with the professional help of Dr M and Cecily and with the best help ever of Andy, Bella & the Boys.

*hugs*
Sarah

P.S. I am still struggling with reading blogs and commenting ~ I will catch up soon, I promise!

the trouble with Kerry

Over the last week I have noticed that Kerry has been short and abrupt with me. I have been trying to get an appointment with her but she kept saying she wasn't working that day. So I tried to see her at another clinic she goes to. I didn't know if I was meant to check with her that this was okay, so I emailed her. Her words back, with no 'hi' or anything 'call them for appointment'. Nothing else. I have emailed her at other times and she wasn't like that and it makes me feel bad when someone is abrupt like that more than a few times. It makes me feel like I am doing the wrong thing. I am not going to see her again.

So then comes the trouble of finding dietitian number four. I went back to the names I got from the eating disorders association (Kerry wasn't one of them) and rang two of them that I have spoken to before. After having a think about it, I decided on the dietitian I made the appointment with before I knew about Kerry, her name is Rachael. I spoke to her a while ago and she was really nice. I remember when Caitlin suggested Kerry, I cancelled my appointment with Rachael to see Kerry instead. I think I will go back with my first instict and get it right. It's kind of scary that I am up to dietitian number 3 for 2010. I am not having a good run with them. I hate this limbo stage. Waiting to see what she is like in person. I see her June 5th. Let's hope she is the right one!

*hugs*
Sarah

happy/sad

Work has been going really well and I'm learning so much new stuff but loving it. I found out yesterday that Charlotte, another lady that that works there recently got her job after did temporary work for the faculty and I know this is also the case with a Tiffany as well. Plus one more person, Joe, was similar. I think if I get a job interview, there is a good chance for me to stay in my role. All of the others are happy that my specialty is timetabling, as no one likes it and I love it. In a way it was good yesterday that work was so busy because then I kinda don't get time to think about anything. I just do my job and chatted to everyone in the office. They are all so nice there and I can have a joke and I actually look forward to going.

I must admit thought that, although I don't want to admit this, I am restricting a bit. The thoughts are sneaking up on me and I will have had water for my afternoon snack, which isn't good. I try and ignore them, but am finding it hard. Part of me is struggling to talk about this because I feel like such a loser after saying that it was going away and then it's back. I'm struggling to comment too and responding to comments and struggling to read blogs. I hope today is better with that.

I feel alone in this right now and I also feel both happy and sad, if that is possible. I am hiding these feelings because I don't want to worry anyone and I want to make the best impression possible, so at work I am happy. The good thing at work though is that happy, is mostly really happiness. I think the other thoughts of worry if I don't get this job and then what happens. I don't want to feel so alone anymore. I'm seeing Cecily on Friday.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

the significance of today

25 May 2005. I was overweight and it had been bothering me for months. I had a scale and I had been check and I was right up there. I was sick of it. At first I just calorie counted and kept my intake at a safe amount. I noticed I had lost weight, decided cut the calories a bit. Within a week or two, I was having on two very small items of food a day. I was starting to learn some eating disorder behaviours. I started to develop rituals and checking all the time with my weight. By the end of the first month, I had dropped a large amount of weight. Everyone kept telling me how good I looked, which reinforced the behaviours. Within 5 months, I was at the smallest I had every been. I once had a lady come up to me and say, hun, please eat something. By this time my eating disorder was fully developed. I saw a doctor at one point and they sent me to a dietitian and I met my first dietitian Sharon, who was an eating disorder specialist. She basically got me to an okay weight, which was still very small and then she helped me to maintain it, so I was healthy. I couldn't maintain the weight when I met Andy and slowly got up to the middle of my healthy range. I am still a very healthy weight.

Five years on. Well I'm doing okay-ish. The eating disorder is not as gone as I thought it was. There are no voices anymore, but the anxiety and the rituals are coming back. I feel it as me, as just me. I guess that's why I was trying to skip out on therapy, but didn't realise it. I have skipped out on Kerry too. I haven't seen her for a number of weeks. Since while I was in hospital. I was looking at myself in the mirror the other day and now I don't like what I see. I feel silly that it was all fine and then it was all not. I feel sad that I'm still in this place, albeit with much more progress but it just feels like this pit of stuff that is scary to me. I mean really scary. I don't know what is in there but it's fear and hurt all mixed up. I think I started to go into denial that everything had gone and it was fine and everything was all happy butterflies. Don't get me wrong, I love working right now, the job is awesome. It's just I so hoped when the voices went that the eating disorder would too.

I have made an appointment with Cecily for Friday. I would make one with Kerry, but probably not until I know what is happening with this job. I don't want to be taking too much time off. I am lucky that Cecily works at the same uni I work at, so I can see her in my lunch break. I'm worried and have lost the way with my DBT stuff completely. I am hoping Cecily can get me on the right track again.

*hugs*
Sarah

I feel like I want to run again, but this time only mentally, if that makes sense. I don't want to physically run anywhere, but I don't want to deal with what I am thinking.

Everything feels all cloudy and I certainly feel like I don't want to admit how I feel. It feels like failure and maybe this anniversary is what is making me fee bad

I feel so small in this world and alone

Monday, May 24, 2010

what an awful day!

The day itself at work was fine. It was just other stuff that was awful. I was going okay, got into the city and got to my bus stop on time and put my hand in my bag and realised I'd left my blackberry phone on the toilet roll holder thingy in the bathrooms at Central train station. I freaked out completely. I thought, fuck, it's going to be gone, there is no way anyone would NOT steal that. I ran straight across the road after I had burst into tears, didn't even look for traffic and straight across another two roads. One which was at the top of a horrible hill. I couldn't breath. My lungs felt raw. I got to the barrier at the train station and told someone there that I had lost my phone. She rang someone inside the station and said it wasn't there. I didn't know what to do and I couldn't think properly. She suggested I ring it and see if someone answered. I couldn't find a phone and didn't have change. I got some change and then eventually, freaking out the whole time and I rung it. A lady answered it and she said "Central station, Cathy speaking". I said, thank god, this is my phone and I thought I had lost it and she said that someone handed it in. I went back to the barrier lady and she let me through and we went to the office out the back and I signed for it and thanked them. I had an asthma attack though in the process and I was having a lot of trouble breathing and I was shaking so badly.

I got back to my bus stop and got to work. I grabbed a coffee and just sat there and shook and shook. My lungs hurt all morning. I felt it as I breathed in that I had hurt myself running to the train station. I mean, I ran flat out and I don't run. All was going okay, until after lunch and I was getting a cup of tea and I chocked on my tea and had a huge coughing fit. It took about 20 minutes for me to be able to breathe again and then I took a bit out of a biscuit and a crumb went into the back of my throat and I chocked again, this time really badly. I had another asthma attack and took some ventolin for it, but had to have like three puffs and that was around 2:30pm. It's now 7:05pm and my hands are still shaking. My whole body has been shaking all afternoon. It's awful. I feel weak. I feel tired. I'm not sore anywhere except my lungs hurt. I am never taking my phone out of my bag at the train station again, unless it's ringing and I'm on or waiting for a train.

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, May 23, 2010

naming brings integration

I feel a little strange at the moment. Over the last three weeks I have on many occasions talked about the way I can split. Yesterday I told you about re-naming the ED voice to pixie and today pixie is gone. I think what has been happening is that me owning that part of myself and accepting it, I have been able to integrate it back within myself. I am not saying I don't have an eating issues any more, but the voice is gone. I feel good about this. I think I have been slowly healing and getting better and with that comes integration. I know the guard is still there, but he is so deeply hidden that I can't feel him hardly. He has always been there but will only pop up when I am in emotional trouble.

Today I did something that I am amazed about. I asked Andy if I could weigh myself and I saw the weight and it was a higher number than I have been in a long time but I was okay and I'm not suddenly fat. I don't feel anxiety. I feel okay. The scale is now hidden for another month. Andy will let me have it again at the end of June for one time only weigh in. I know my clothes have been tighter a little lately, but I'm also okay with that. Most of my clothes are okay. I am okay. I am not fat. I like that I can eat, within reason, pretty much what I want to eat. I am not restricting. I haven't thought about restricting. I am happy with my body. My small round belly is normal and that's okay. I had ice magic last night with ice cream and I was okay. I didn't suddenly become enormous. I felt normal and good and happy. It was nice. I think I am coming closer to recovery.

It is amazingly awesome. I am being so creative. I have made one card today and I have done the scrapbook page and I have mapped out the 20 page album I am going to do of my plush friends and their stories. I have worked out which stories I want in there. I am excited by the amount of fun I am having getting ink and glitter and glue and stuff all over the place. It's like my life is now about fun and happiness, rather than food. Food is essential of course, but it can be a happy essential. A positive essential. And Sarah is loving it! I must admit thought I am not too sure about the card I made today. Not the colours I would normally use. Here is a link to yesterday's card, which I love and today's scrapbook page on Bella and Harold. Here is today's card, I guess I'm just not sure of the colours.

It was my first attempt at hand colouring. I guess it's okay, but I can think of doing it better!

Here is to happiness and creativity and awesome work in my workplace because I am perfect for the job. I am know I am one of the better timetabling officers at my uni. I know this because my old boss who works within the main office of timetabling was my old boss when I worked there and she has told met his. Her words to my new boss were "if I had a choice, Sarah would still be working in my office, but we didn't have the budget for another full time person". That made me feel good. So did Cath last week when she saw me for the first time in the faculty and went oh my gosh, what are you doing here and then she said "Sarah's good" in front of my supervisor. I am good and I know that. My life is coming together. I feel like the sun is shining over me and I know that probably sounds dumb, but I like it!

*hugs*
Sarah


Saturday, May 22, 2010

silliness

I was sitting here re-reading my last post and thinking about the whole name thing changing ED to a name that I think is nicer and gives me the ability to feel a little better about that part of myself. I don't want to hate any parts of myself anymore. I want to go, yes this is me and I like me. This may sound silly but here I am going through all these names and thinking of them and rejecting them and not knowing how to find the right now to replace ED. So I thought, why not ask ED what ED would like to be called instead of ED. Why didn't I think of this before. ED has no problems telling me what she thinks on most occasions, so why not ask her what she wants to be called. I was kinda surprised I guess by the name she picked and I tried to not let that come through because I thought it was a silly name. Why would she want to be named that. She wants to be called Pixie. Don't ask me why. I am not sure she knows why she likes that name. It's not a name that I often hear but I know that I do love pixies. I actually have a pixie that sits on my dresser and she is cute. When I think about it, Pixie to me has a lot of positive connotations. I love fantasy books and I love fairy stories, especially modern ones. Maybe she likes them too and that's why she came up with the name. In a way I think it will be hard to remember this. I have called her ED for so long now that I will have to re-train my brain. So in light of the new name, we decided on some silliness. We got Andy to take some photos of me mucking around. I was actually trying to get my hood up on my hoodie, but was having some issues.

issues with the hoodie, as you can see and I was cracking up laughing too

laughing at myself

happiness is good

Me, Bella and the boys

I am so grateful for your comments on my thinking about a name for Pixie (as she is now called). It's nice to think of her that way, as little pixie that has some food issues shall we say. I think I will try and see her as a Pixie too because that will give me a better visual of her when she was called ED. Not a nice picture let me tell you. I want Pixie to be pretty and to love how she looks and so in turn, when we finally come together, we can love that we are together. I like that idea. I am not having so many food issues when I thought I would. I think mainly it's because I am busy and trying not to think about the fact that I haven't known my weight for going on two weeks now and even then, that weight wasn't too good because it was done wrong and I had just stuffed myself with food. I am going by my clothes. I am wearing the same clothes. I am doing what I can to stick to my meal plan. I am doing okay. We are going to beat this! We will not have another year of these thoughts. I am going to try and think about all thoughts that I have that are disordered and try not to talk like that anymore too. I think that will help. Try and talk in a positive way, even when it doesn't feel good. It will be a challenge but I'm willing to give it a shot and I think Pixie is too.

*hugs from us both and some pixie dust*
Sarah and Miss Pixie

P.S.Apparently she likes Miss Pixie :-P














The pixie dust is not mine but belongs to a wonderful designer called AnyaJ and Sunflower Designs from PickleBerryPop

Friday, May 21, 2010

a puddle of me

Now this is hard to explain and I have spoken of the tunnel before. It is basically my mind's way of protecting Sarah. This tunnel is in my head, the guard is at the entrance for when Sarah is in danger of emotional hurt, whereby he will pull Sarah/me inside. It feels far away and fuzzy and don't ask me to remember much of that which took place at that time.

When I was in hospital a few weeks ago, I was joined by Alice, the groovy singing (annoying) happiness of her and I felt comfort from when she wasn't singing. Then Alice and ED joined to make ED more whole and less grumpy, more compliant.

This is where 'inside' gets confusing. Inside is like a puddle. Imagine a puddle and there are sometimes separate bits. The main puddle is Sarah, but there are sub-puddles that form and unform. One that remains constant pretty much always is the guard on guard duty. The others change a lot, depending on the state inside.

Today there was another shift. Alice has re-formed with the main 'puddle' and ED is separate but different. ED is more accepting of the body. It has a round belly and don't pretty much all women have round bellies? There is still the food issues but in a more gentle way. This ED questions food choices still but there is no yelling. Under all that anger I have found out ED is a girl. Who would've thought. She was going to share Alice's name but since Alice is gone, that wouldn't work!

She realised that to heal, Sarah needs to love the ED as part of herself. To love the body as a whole and strive to be more than bones. Sarah wants to live. To do this she has decided to try not to call the part of her that is eating disordered by negative names but rather really embrace that part.

I am hovering between a new, positive 'goddess' myth name and a name I like. What do you guys think? I know this uncoventional but someone has to go against the grain!

*hugs*
Sarah

I will not

I am sitting in a cafe that is located right near my building where I work. I have just eaten a huge scone with butter and jam and my hand automatically goes to my belly. I feel fatter. I had a latte too. I remember eating something 'extra' before work used to allow the ED to take over. I worry about the scone. It was too big and I shouldn't have eaten it. I already had breakfast today at 6am and it is only 8:45am. I don't want my ED to take over again. In 4 days, 25 may, I will have had this ED for five years and that is scary. I am hovering between fear of putting on weight and looking at others that are bigger than me and telling myself it would be okay if I was a bit bigger. The ED though wants to hang on to what I am now. Io am torn. I want to be normal!

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I'm good

I am amazed still by the amount of people I know in this new job. I was sitting at work today and Cath comes in, she is the timetable coordinator for one of the schools that comes under the faculty I work in. She immediately says, Oh my gosh, what are you doing here Sarah and I grin and say I'm here for a bit helping out with the timetable and other stuff. She says "Sarah is really good, she was always excellent when she worked in timetables"! It is so awesome to have people say this to my supervisors and bosses all the time. My workmates are also pretty awesome. I got to have a real chat at lunch with another lady, Lynnette and she is lovely. We chatted the whole time I was up in the tea room and I told her how I loved the timetable (by the way, at my university, liking timetabling is equivelant to being insane, but in a good funny way) and Lynnette said that is really good because that is what the job that is vacant is all about.

There is no doubt about it that I will apply for the job, I hope I have a good chance. I am learning new stuff all the time but already have a level of knowledge that my questions to my workmates are only small. I can pretty much answer most questions. My self confidence is back fully. I have no problem saying no to students or questioning my superiors. I feel like I went away for two months and came back better.

I know I am talking alot about work right now, but I guess it is ruling everything. I pretty much go to work and come home. I am thought able to switch work off when I get home. I am looking forward to doing to some crafting on the weekend. I also got a new stamp that I have to make a card with, or at least try to, on the weekend. It involves some colouring in with different shades of ink to get light and dark shades. I can't to try.

Thanks for all your lovely comments on my last post by the way. Oh and hello all of you over there. I cannot believe that there are so many of you. You're awesome, thanks for reading once again. Okay, I am off to chat to Andy while he cooks and will do some commenting a bit later.

*hugs*
Sarah

The sky is the limit!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Dear Readers

I don't often get the time to say thank you to all of you who, follow and comment on my blog. I am amazed at the amount of you that read. As I have often said, I can't believe that I would be that interesting that that many of you are reading but it does make me smile and I'm glad you are all here. There are often things that I will remember one of you saying that gets me through a bad day or something one of you have done, either reading here or on your own blogs, that makes me laugh or smile and of course sometimes sad too. I think that's the great thing about having a blog, is that you can say what you want but also when you are honest and you need help, there is always someone around to offer advice. So yeah, I just wanted to say thanks and I think you're all awesome and don't be afraid to comment, bad or good. It's fine. I hope you are all well and safe and that you are feeling okay. Thinking of all of you, so go have a good day/night and remember that you are all amazing!

*hugs*
Sarah


Tuesday, May 18, 2010

confidance

This job is really good. I love it so far. I am already answering the phones and helping the students and I've been doing a lot of timetabling. I finally got my email access and stuff and half my access back with most of the student systems. I am basically just talking to my workmates about the fact that I am there for about five to six weeks definitely and how I will be applying for the permanent job that has now been advertised. I am not saying more than that. Not even to myself. I think if I kept going the way I am and I do a good application and interview, I have a very good chance of getting the job. I also know how many times I've said this in the past and that is why I am not going on about or dreaming about it too much. I don't want to be let down once again but I am going to give this every bit of chance and put as much work in as I can because I want them to not want me to go.

They all think I'm insane that I love the timetable, no one likes the timetable except for me and my old supervisor in timetabling (and this is practically throughout the whole uni). No one likes it. I sit in front of it and have a big sigh as I get this system so much. Others sit there and they have to remember what they did last time and try and re-create it or figure out what this or that means. I haven't been in the system for two months and today I went in and made 15 timetable changes for the faculty I work in, saved what I had and then quickly added the last bit this afternoon. I remember once I after I got my old job in one of the schools, I had a new staff member from timetabling on the phone trying to get her to make a change for me, which she didn't know how to do. She had been told to trust me and so I told her step by step what to do, even though I didn't have her level of access and couldn't see the things she could on my screen. That gave me a real buzz actually. It's a nice feeling to know you are really good at something others struggle with - in a good way of course.

I will also be doing lots of other things while I am there too but if I get the job, then timetabling will be my specialty, that and another part of the timetable which is a huge huge job for ever semester but funnily enough, again one that I like. The only part of this other part I don't like, is the 300 emails you get when students have questions. I have had the chance to sit with nearly all the other admin team members in the office, as I am learning what they do. I am also volunteering to take the next few student enquiries and say that I want to learn and I can always ask questions if I get stuck. The first time I did this, Julie, my supervisor cheered for me, which was nice. There were a few questions I did get that I wasn't sure of but the good thing is I am learning and I like that. It makes me feel part of the team.

One huge plus, my confidence is back. Competely. I have only had one mini panic and it was when I was trying to figure out what Julie was trying to explain to me. I feel completely confident asking questions and doing tasks. I have even taking my phone off of forward so I can answer the phones like everyone else. I like this! I am not so tired tonight. My legs are not killing me and even getting home is easier, even though I am finishing later. I get home only 20 mins later than I would normally if I worked closer or worked 30 minutes less.

Sorry for the lack of comments but it's like in a way been so good but so wearing on me. I am not going to go to bed and over think though. I think I will listen to relaxation music tonight and cuddle up to Solomon. Will catch up soon :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

~ now doesn't this look snug and warm ~

the new job

I really like the new job and the people there. As it turned out a knew quite a few more people there than I thought I did. People kept coming to the faculty office and I was actually surprised at how many people I did know. One of things the faculty liked about my CV was that I had worked all over the campus and that is really good because I have worked for the temp panel as they call it, like the internal temping agency for the uni, I move around alot, although I have been trying to get permanent. Sometimes people find the constant moving a real problem because they think you will leave their job when you are bored.

I think if things keep going well, I will do fine and if I get an interview to do the vacant job, I have a good chance. I'm really tired thought. I know this is because my body is not used to working. I only got anxious once when Julie, the assistant admin manager asked me to do a timetabling/scheduling of classes job and I was having trouble understanding what she meant. Then it clicked and I have a giant puzzle on my desk waiting for me when I start, but an interesting one and one I get, as in, I have done this a million times in other jobs. I'm kinda brain dead right now, it's only 5:30am and I'm still half asleep. I will let you know when I can how today goes.

In regards to winning that prize, the editor confirmed that they have the prize, a gorgeous stamp and she was posting it to me yesterday. Hope you are going okay!

*hugs*
Sarah

P.S. Forgot to say, because I am so tired, I have no energy to read blogs right now. I will catch up when I can. 

Sunday, May 16, 2010

new beginnings

It's not often you get the opportunity to begin again. When I first thought about going in to this new job tomorrow and knowing the position was vacant and knowing that I could apply and knowing I will be in this position for at least 6 weeks, I was sort of anxious about it. Now I'm not. See the way I look at it, this is my opportunity to show the faculty I'll be working in, who I am and how much I love working with the students and that I am damn good at what I do. I will be confident and will listen and I will learn and I will learn well. This morning when I woke up, I did a little Sarah dance when I said good morning to Andy and I said "one day to go"! I have never thought about a job that way, even enough for it making me want to do a happy dance. So why not make sure it is a new beginning by collecting the things I have to get ready to start tomorrow. Here's to new beginnings :-)

Normally I would buy a new cup, but this time I have decided to take in a much loved cup, one that I have had for about 5 years, that I have used for a long time and that is mine, really mine. That has my favourite little furry creature on it - a cat!

New stationery. Now I love stationery, but purple box has my favourite type of pens, I have my favourite type of note pad for taking phone enquiries, my to do list (this is new for me) and my diary twentyten. I look forward to using these tomorrow.

New nails. I have never painted my nails while in the past while I have worked at this university, so I am adding some changes in me too. I will paint them that gorgeous pink a little later on today or even tonight.

a new jumper. I love this as it sort of wraps around at the front and has those long parts that make it look funky when you are wearing it. This has never been to any workplace. I like that it is new too!
 
My new magazine that came in the mail last week

back to the series I loved with the first two books, my new book that I have read a page of while in hospital, but it's new to work as well. I am also dying to know how this story goes. 

I think the biggest thing though, is that I have a new last name. I got married after I left his university. I have a new surname and it will be the first time that I have had that in this uni. I think that in itself is whole new beginning. I am happy that I feel so good about this and I feel so excited about going to work tomorrow. I will be a little nervous just before I go in tomorrow, but I know people there and that is awesome because I'm not going to be going in knowing no one.

*hugs*
Sarah


Saturday, May 15, 2010

"You want to what?"

I was talking to Cecily on the phone yesterday afternoon and we were actually talking through my recent binge/purge episode a few days ago. I was telling her how it started because my meal plan was screwed up by going to the card class I went to. The other ladies arrived and were ready to start the class around 10am, which is when I normally have my morning snack, which I did eat by the way at that time. I remembered from the last class that we ate the actual morning snack that 'everyone' has at around 11:30am, which is too late for morning snack for me and too close to lunch, which is between 12pm and 12:30pm to start eating. This time I was prepared and brought a peanut butter sandwich, but when they 11:30am morning snack came for the other ladies (no one knows about my ED here), I did eat a bit to try and be social. I then felt I couldn't eat lunch until later because of the food in my belly. I get home and eat lunch at 1:45pm and am feeling uncomfortable, but I have to eat, so I eat. The problem is is that this is running into my afternoon snack at 2:30pm or 3pm and so when I go out to the shops I buy food and a drink and the whole episode happens.

I was telling this all to Cecily and I say, you know in a way and I know they wouldn't mind but I wish I could just say "I hope you all don't mind if I have my lunch now?" and Cecily thought this was perfectly reasonable. I then said "I wanted to say I just want to eat". Cecily says, can you say that again please? I realise what I have just said and I say it again, I just want to eat. It felt really weird saying it when it wasn't just spontaneous but I haven't said those words for nearly five years. It's the first time I have said that. These words are hard for me to say. I do know though that if I keep going to these classes, which I will, I will need to say that I need to eat, or I could keep ending up in this exact position again. I need to stick to a plan right now and can deviate later on when I'm more okay with breaking my meal times. I am hoping with more normality next week with returning to work, some of this food anxiety will settle.

*hugs*
Sarah

letter to the editor

Yesterday I started to read my massive pile up of cardmaking magazines that I have been ignoring for about four months. While I was sitting over at the shops, waiting for the post office to open, I was reading the letters to the editor and am thinking, wow, this letter is just what I do and then I looked down further and was my letter. I sent the letter in in January and I have actually won a prize. It is a gorgeous stamp that, when reading this one section of the mag, I was drooling over how great these cards looked with this stamp. I have actually won this stamp. I can't believe it! This stamp is gorgeous.

This is actually my third prize I have won by writing to a craft mag. The first two though I am embarrassed about. The first two were because I said I had an ED and bipolar disorder and cardmaking or scrapbooking helped me. This last one though is really cool. I told the editor that I had lost my 'mojo' in scrapbooking and had then come over to cardmaking and how one night at dinner I noticed I had blue ink on one hand and green ink on the other and I often crafted before work, which my workmates could tell because of all the evidence on my hands or in my hair. I also told them I loved their magazine. I am so happy that my third win, was a positive I love cardmaking kind of win, if that makes sense. I would be proud of anyone to read that but the other two, I wasn't. I guess it has to do with wanting to be just like everyone else.

The other good thing is I feel really peaceful today. I think it's mainly because the routine of the weekend is happening and I am happy to be doing normal things. I know I will be at work on Monday and that makes me feel good too. I like today and I am happy today and that makes me feel good. I am also going to be going downstairs soon to make a few cards that I got the idea for from the mag that I won in. What an awesome day and it's not even lunchtime yet!

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, May 14, 2010

must keep busy

The more I stop and think about my feelings over the last few days, the more I can see the anxiety, which I think could very well be attached to starting the new job on Monday. This morning I was almost in tears as I saw myself in a pair of jeans that fitted me a few weeks ago. Today I felt yucky and horribly fat and huge. I even had to go back inside while I was trying to leave to see Dr M, my psychiatrist, because the jeans were simply too tight in a way that was making me incredibly anxious and upset. Today I stuck to my meal plan completely, though there is a few hours left, I know I will still stick to it. Today I woke up tired again from the medication but after seeing Dr M (gosh was that today) I had to be home by 12pm so that an old computer I rented, could be picked up by a courier.

I fell asleep and was woken by a phone call on my mobile phone to say the driver was outside and could I please let him pick up the parcel. He had apparently knocked for a bit but I didn't hear him. I was in the deepest sleep and was embarrassed that he could tell. I had those funny little crease marks all over my hands from sleeping on them. I tried to go back to sleep, but couldn't. I read craft magazines. I read blogs. I wanted to go over to the coffee shop and shops that are less than a five minute walk away. I couldn't do it. I was worried that I would eat something I shouldn't. I hope these feelings pass soon. I can't bear to look at myself though, because since stopping weighing myself, I have lost control. I graze on anything all day. I want my control back but I know it wasn't a healthy control. I am scared that if I keep going like I was before that I will end up enormous. I can't see Kerry next week because I don't know how work works with coming in late etc. I don't want to talk time off for all these things in my first week. I may have to leave Kerry until the week after.

I hate anxiety, therefore I must make sure I am busy this weekend. I am going to try and force myself to digital scrapbook. I have found a new place I can check out for kits. I really really want to make some cards with my new stuff. I also ordered a new stamp set that will arrive next week. I must do these things because otherwise I will send myself mad. I must keep busy! I want to do well. I need to shine because this is only six weeks and then they will probably appoint the person that will stay in the job permanently and I want to be that person. I really do! I guess both of us, both my new bosses and workmates and me too, will be doing the try before you buy thing. I really hope it works and I can wow them with my class timetabling/scheduling skills and my other skills. I want to be useful and I want to be happy and I'm scared I am never going to find this in a workplace.

*hugs*
Sarah

Let the colour and creativity begin :-)
Anxiety 0 ~ Sarah 1

Beautiful Blogger Award

Well I have been given another award by the beautful blogger Battleinmind, who I think is awesome anyway, so I'm glad she got the award in the first place.

Now I am going to have think really hard of people to give this award to because I struggle with this. It's not an easy thing because you don't want to leave anyone out.

The first person I am choosing is, Jennifer and she is someone who I think really deserves this as she tries really hard to make others that are struggling feel okay and lets them know that she cares and this is definitely the mark of a beautiful blogger. I hope you are doing okay Jennier :-)

I am also choosing, Ellie, because she has really gorgeous photographs on her blog and plus she has left me some really lovely comments. I hope you're not hiding anymore Ellie :-)

I am also choosing David, for two reasons. One, because I love love love the cat stories and two, because I think you try to do the best you can, even when things are not working in your favour. I love Oreo, she is such a cute cat and it's such an ironic name for a cat of someone that struggle/s with an ED!

les jeune fille à les oiseaux, I am also choosing for her lovely words to me, the gorgeous photography on her blog and how caring she is to others.

Finally I will also choose Silly Girl, because she has gone through so much lately, but still seems to pull through and have the time to say kind words.

Now for my 7 secrets.

1. I feel old compared to all of you but I often taken as being a lot younger in real life. People are surprised by my age, which makes me feel good in a funny way. I am blessed with good skin and good hair.
2. My weakness is chocolate all the way. I love it. If I could I would only eat chocolate as, long as I could stay the same size, lol.
3. My aunt and her family were in a religious cult for 20 years. I think the kids are doing really good since their education was so messed up. It feels funny when I think of it because even though I know it was part of my family, it was so apart from it as well.
4. When I went to a scrapbooking retreat last november, at one stage after lunch, I walked straight into a close glass door in front of the whole room and instead of panicking, I said, gee the glass is clean and I honestly haven't been drinking!
5. At the same retreat I cried all three days because I missed Andy and was horribly homesick (embarrasing)!
6. In the name of clumsiness, I have three times got my bra strap caught on a bit of metal of our back door and closed the door behind it me and gotten totally stuck because I can't reach to open the door. Once would be understandably, but I can't believe I have done this on three separate occasions, lol!
7. I have a tin of cat wiskers from my boy Sabby that died in 2007 and a tooth of his. Is that really creepy :-/  I keep it next to his photo because I didn't get to keep his ashes a was the most amazing cat ever.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I wish I could go back by an hour

I'm not too happy with myself right now. I guess I did always know that ED was not just going to go away just like that and that everything would be fine once I fixed up my other stuff. I just binged and purged. The significance of this is that I've never done this before, except for a few times five years ago when I was overweight and trying to lose, but that didn't help anyway, I was bad at it. Today I should know better. I do know better, but I still made that choice.

I felt uncomfortably full, though I kept drinking my mocha fusion and eating my chocolate bar, which I might add I threw half of it away into a disgusting garden, just so I couldn't touch it anymore. I came home and I'm looking at my expended belly in the mirror, so I purged, just like that. Did it make me feel good? Actually yes it did, that is the part that sucks. I felt good because my belly looked much better and I know I am on dangerous ground right now. I could just keep doing this, except I choose not to. I accept that I will have to email Cecily and tell her about this, because if I don't, if I don't tell anyone, not even Andy, I could end up with a whole new part to ED and I don't want that. I love my nails painted all bright purple and if I keep doing this, they won't look like this for long.

Love this colour

I don't want to slip back into all my ED behaviours that I had worked so hard to move forward with Kerry. I feel I have though and in a way I am scared that if I don't do something now, like admit that I am doing these things again, I certainly could end up going backwards. I want to do positive things, like the cards I made today with Jan and her lovely group of crafty friends. You can see my cards by looking on my other blog

I think the first thing I will do is tell both Cecily and Kerry. Then at least it's out in the open. I will not let this happen and I will at least fight it with everything I have. What happened to urge surfing, well urge surfing works when you recognise the urge to start with, this time I didn't. The urge was foreign and surprised me by it's presence. This could just be plain anxiety. Anxiety sucks you know by the way and as Cecily would say, I need to understand my maladaptive behaviours before I can do something about them. I think this has always been there. The urge has been there before but I just don't normally do it. I don't like doing it. The worst part, which I will admit now, is that it felt good and that is certainly not good. Sarah must stop!

*hugs*
Sarah

I'm not going to drown in this!

[edit] Not only did I email both Kerry and Cecily to tell them what happened, but I told Andy too. We had decided yesterday that I could weigh myself once every two weeks, but then I told him tonight I didn't think that was a good idea because I am not ready to know my weight yet or any time soon. 

Another thing is that another beautiful blogger admitted something on her blog that has made me think and I've never admitted it to anyone else before either (you know who you are hun, so thank you too!!!!). I often purge when I feel sick but I tell myself and everyone else that I was sick, not that I purged to feel better because I felt sick. I only do this when I am having reflux (I have a hiatus hernia) which means I have a little hole in my tummy that allows acid to come through and up my chest and throat. I often don't know what is going to cause this problem, but I never say, I just purged because I felt sick, I say I felt sick so I was sick. I think it's because I would feel ashamed to admit that I had purged, even if I was sick, rather than being sick because I was sick. Does that make sense?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

rough day

I struggled today, not because anything inparticular happened to make me feel the way I did but more the feeling of aloneness. This morning was very productive. I got all the washing done and just general cleaning up and I felt good about that. I also went and had coffee. I was feeling uneasy in relation to my body. I was feeling overly big today, even though I know I am still wearing the same clothes. I just feel like my belly is big. I don't like this. I watched half of Avatar (I can never watch anything in one hit these days) and I like it so far. I will watch the rest tomorrow afternoon. Before Avatar I did my nails again in a really nice purple I found and also found this gorgeous orange colour in the same range that I will buy tomorrow.

It was after watching half of Avatar that I noticed I was feeling funny. I started to watch it around lunch time and I had stopped it at one point to have a break and then continued, so by this time it was around 1:45pm. I started to eat extra too many things that weren't on my meal plan, simply because I was feeling uneasy, which made it worse. So then I drink a glass of diet coke and have half a bottle of water and then in all my wisdom went over and weighed myself on these scales they have that measure your height and weight in an area that people don't walk through that often in the shopping mall near me. Of course I was not happy with the number, I had just comsumed an amount of food that I would never normally weigh myself after eating and so I totally set myself up for failure. Then to make it worse, I then wanted to self harm. First I rang Kerry, my dietitian and I was upset and she was okay, what could she do, I cancelled my appointment with her that was for today, yesterday. I rang a telephone counselling service after taking 50mg seroquel for prn and I talked to the lady there, she was really awesome and I chatted to her about how I felt while looking at the cards I made for these situations with Cecily. I spoke about a few of these techniques with the lady on the phone and then did some deep breathing using the CD Cecly gave me with mindfulness of the breath on it. By this time I was tired and tried to sleep but couldn't. 

I then got a text message from Caitlin about sending me some of my stuff back, two items I really do want back and then I rang Andy and said to him to not panic if I don't answer my mobile phone as I was switching it to silent and going to sleep. I think I went to sleep for about 2 hours and I felt a lot better when I woke up. I have just had dinner and I'm doing okay. I am so so glad I did some of the skills instead of doing more damage than I did by knowing that horrible 'number', though I am telling myself it really is a false number due to the fact that I had just eaten and drunk a large amount and I really do believe this.

I don't see what happened as a fail, just as a bit of a rough day. I know that work or going back to work next week is going to help hugely. I know I will be stressed to start with, but I need to remind myself that although I am not going to the same department, I know the systems, the students will be pretty much wanting similar things, I know the systems and I like the work. Plus I already know Kelly and Joe (sort-of-ish), so I won't be going in there knowing no one. Plus Jo and Carmen are on campus too and we will have lunch when I know the way they work their lunchtimes there. We are going to try and have lunch once a week.

What I learnt today - never give up - it will get better and self soothing really does work and so does mindfulness of the breath (as much as I hate to admit it, lol)!

*hugs*
Sarah

Sarah must remember she is not fat and she is more than a number!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

DBT working

I got to my appointment with Cecily today too early. I got the time wrong. I started to get anxious because I would have to wait in the clinic waiting room for another 40 minutes. It was raining outside, so I didn't want to go and sit out there. I put on music, the song that Alice was singing in my head, which funnily enough seems to make her go quiet. When the song finishes, I let the ipod continue to the next track. I am looking at my nails. I was told by my old workmates, Carmen and Jo, today during our lunch meeting in another building, that they love my nails and the polish looks so neat.

I think about this while I am sitting there and inspiration pops into my head. I remember that I have a nail file in my bag and I start to file each nail, taking away that pointed edge. I am so focused on the task, that all of a sudden I have one nail left, the music is drumming in my ears, Alice is quiet and I realise I have just successfully mindfully filed my nails. This makes me so happy and excited. I realise I have found a calming task that is easily done anywhere. I will look into a nail care kit over the next few days but I really like this and I like painting my nails too. I discovered some little nail stickers the other day too. It's nice to find something calming when a lot of the time the anxiety is too huge to notice it. Cecily is happy with my homework, she is impressed even and I realise there too that I have really solidly worked on my homework since I got it on friday. I have enjoyed the last lot of homework but I didn't do the deep breathing that I was meant to do for 10 minutes each day.

I must admit that I am non-compliant when it comes to deep breathing. I don't know why, I guess I get sick of hearing people tell me to do that. I have a CD on my ipod that Cecily gave me that is actually a really good deep breathing one. The voice is Aussie too, which I like and his voice is so relaxing. We have come up with a compromise, that since last night when I went to bed and turned out the light, Alice started to sing, really pissed me off actually, though I still fell asleep quickly but Cecily recons if I listen to the CD, that I may be able to block out Alice if she tries to sing and fall asleep quicker. The only thing I hate about her describing this, because it is another term I hate is 'sleep hygiene'.

Tonight I am tired. I will be in bed soon I think and it's only nearly 8pm. I have more homework from Cecily. More distress tolerance, which I will look at over the next few days. Tomorrow I have decided to stay home and make the most of the last few days I have off before I go back to work again next week. I am going to watch Avatar. I have no seen it yet and I don't really like going to the movies I must admit. At least at home I can have a break. I am not good with long films these days, my attention span is not the best for a three hour in a row movie. It's almost like if I know I have to sit still for a certain length of time, I can't do it. I find it hard. I find things that I would prefer to do. I switch off and stop watching the movie. The last time I went I kept checking my mobile phone to see what the time was because I just couldn't stay there. I quit going to movies and wait for them on DVD but... then I fall asleep on the couch. I think this is rather amusing, there are so many movies that I've missed because of this. I get bored after 50 minutes because I'm used to watching TV shows on DVD.

Tomorrow I am choosing a new nail colour and I think it's something I think I will try and keep up with. I am liking the feeling I get when I finish painting and they look good. I am lucky to have very strong nails, which I keep quite short, but I hope this turns into a really peaceful kind of mindful activity I can keep doing. I know it's good to make cards but sometime sometimes I run out of ideas. At least with nail painting, it's just choosing a colour and going from there. This post has really no purpose. Just talking. Until tomorrow I guess! Sleep tight or have a good day, depending on your time zone and most of all... be safe!

*hugs*
Sarah

This reminds me of my mind :-P

thank you all

Firstly, how awesome are all over you! You all deserve an award for the most amazing readers/friends/commenters of all time. All of you that even read my blog and don't comment or feel you can't, you are also awesome. You sure know how to keep a girl happy!

I'm so glad I emailed about how I was feeling. I actually think the thinking of deleting the blog was due to tiredness. I went to sleep after I blogged and I actually feel heaps better. I think they zyprexa is starting to kick and it's making me really tired, especially in the morning. This is a foreign feeling for me because, although I have had this med before and I know it will wear off, I am not used to being sedated by medication. I already take a shitload: seroquel xr 600; seroquel 200; lithium 750; gabapentin 900 and now zyprexa 5. I should be in the most deepest sleep ever but normally I don't even notice the effects of tiredness. In a way it is nice but this morning I was also anxious, so I think the combination wasn't that nice and I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong, which made it worse.

I will post later after I have seen Cecily and I'm sure I'll have a bunch more homework, though going to take some time out this afternoon and tomorrow to make some cards.

*hugs*
Sarah

to delete or not delete, that is the question

I have been thinking that my blog is getting to boring a bit lately and I have been tossing around a few ideas. On is to change the design, which I will probably do anyway. Two, I have thought of deleting the blog altogether and not blogging and this is one I'm really not sure about. I like blogging don't get me wrong. But I feel like there's nothing much I can contribute to with this blog anymore.

I worry that I say to much about my mental health stuff and I shouldn't do that. I guess that's why my doc wants me to journal instead of blog. I'll have to have a think!

*hugs*
Sarah




[edit] it could also be that I'm having an icky day