Wednesday, June 30, 2010

maybe baby

Firstly wow, look at you all over there. I can't believe there are so many of you. Thank you to all of you who read my blog and comment. I really appreciate it. So, tonight has been interesting so far. Andy and I are talking again about having a baby. We stopped talking about this in the beginning of 2009 as I got very unwell after being off nearly all my meds. I did find out though during my pain program in September last year that I do have options, rather than going off of everything. Especially since this turned out to be so much of a disaster. This is not something that will happen very quickly. This is something that needs to have serious research first and getting things in place, plus I would need to be in my job for at least six months to make sure I could go on paid maternity leave. I also have to put some kind of emotional support in place other than just Andy, as a girl with bipolar disorder and pregnant, is going to create a lot of mood changes and not all good. I know there is support at my closest hospital that helps girls with mental health problems have babies and gives them support during and afterwards. I'm excited that this may happen after the next six months. We looked at this a few years ago and I nearly got off all my meds, but did get really unwell and I didn't admit I was unwell because I didn't want to say that I couldn't have a baby. I ruled it out totally and started to say I couldn't have children. I told this to a psychologist when I was in the pain program and she said that I was wrong, that it was possible for me to have a baby if I had the support. My psychiatrist has been bringing up the baby thing over and over for months. Trying to get me to talk about it. I guess when I see him in two weeks, I will be telling him I want to try to do this again. I want to try to have a baby but only go off the meds that I will really harm the baby. I know that all meds can hurt but sometimes there are mum's out there that simply cannot go off of all their meds and they weigh up what wil hurt and what will be okay. I don't want to never have children. I want to one day be a mum. Yes the ED part does scare me as I know I will be a lot bigger. I guess I will just have to make sure that I do have the support in place and that's my job over the next five months. To find out what I need to do and what I can do.

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

i'm tired

I don't have anything interesting to say tonight. I'm tired and cold and can't warm up. My nose feels like it's going to drop off. I got really angry today because the bus driver was late because he was talking on his mobile phone. I don't know, I just really feel out of sorts tonight. I just want to bury myself under a pile of really warm blankets and hide. I feel a little down. I don't know why though, it was a good day at work. I hate feeling like this. Then I worry about it being more than being down for just one day. Food is fine, though I am still doing the whole struggle for what's normal and what's not. I think I am thinner than I think I am and it's not a horrible feeling, it's more a weird feeling. My brain has such distorted thoughts, in that I say I am bigger but I don't think I look bigger, but this is only sometimes. Sometimes I feel bigger and think I look bigger. It's just weird. I hope one day I get to the stage where I am not even going to worry about this because it seems like a stupid thing to be hung up on. Who's normal anyway? Everyone is different in their own different ways. I don't even know why I am expending the energy in worrying about worrying.

I am also working on the adventures of Bella and the boys. I have a blog started but I want it to be more complete before I let it loose on unsuspecting bloggers. I am going to make it fun so it is fun to do and I have decided that Bella will not be the narrator, that will be me. I am excited about telling their stories and oh boy, there are so many. That is part of the reason why I am waiting because I have to figure out how to have it published properly. I'll tell you one thing, Ziggy is excited that he is going to be famous, but I don't think he realises that it's going to be as a grog drinking, glue sniffing, drug popping lion with a (currently) silver bow headband that wishes he was wearing very loud stripey fancy pants and who's favourite song is Happy Coloured Marbles by Ween. Yes, it's all true, that's how he sees himself, lol! I think it's also going to be awesome fun to write.

*hugs*
Sarah

it all starts with just one beer ;-)

Monday, June 28, 2010

normality and adventures

I have been moving more towards getting normality into my eating and the way I see myself. I actually keep having to physically stop myself and ask myself "is this a normal portion", "do I look like a normal size"? I don't mean this in a negative way, but I have realised that I really don't know the answers to these questions. I have now started to watch people to see what they eat or the big one, how the look and I wonder to myself (again not negative) if I look like them size wise. It is on my mind a lot because I want to be normal, but over the last five years, during the time I was far from that, I realise I have lost the ability to answer these questions on my own. I think it's a good thing I am trying to find answers to this and I won't lie, I do worry about becoming too big. I think though my idea of big is a bit messed up, so I can't trust those thoughts right now. Instead I check in with Andy a lot. I asked him tonight if having a peanut butter sandwich, two mini chocolate bars and a tub of yoghurt was way too much. He didn't think so. It's very confusing when I am trying to just be normal and I don't want people to know that I am trying to do this, I just want to fit it, but it's becoming obvious to me that I don't fit in yet. I am still finding my feet. This is fine though, I can't expect myself to go from five years of completely messed up thoughts to total normality in just 6 weeks. It doesn't work like that and I understand that. I just wish it wasn't so confusing.

On another topic though, I know I have been doing blog changes lately and there is one more coming up. I had a think about what I really love to do and they are creative stuff and I have my now moved blog Creating Sarah's Way at wordpress but I thought of one more blog addition which would be lots of fun for me and Andy and possibly for others here that like the stories. I am going to start a blog about the adventures of Bella and the Boys as narrated by Bella. It's more going to be funny stories that people on here that don't like the stories, don't have to read but those that enjoy them, may enjoy. I, or should I say, Bella, is going to tell the story of the boys in more detail, with the more complete stories of the boys. The stories that Andy and I (or should I say Bella) tell but don't publish. It is more going to be fun for me and I can be completely silly and funny, I will get to use photography in a more creative way. The site is not created yet and will probably take several days to get up and running. I think it's something I can blog all the time because the boys are always up to something and Bella will become more rounded as a character along the way. I still don't know all about Bella yet and I will enjoy learning about her. I will let you guys know when we are off and ready to go. The site will not be attached to this blog though, but I do know it will be a blogspot blog. More details to come soon.

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, June 27, 2010

today has been an awesome day

I woke up early this morning and finally got my little giraffe cut out and ready for when I came home from my card class today to actually make a card for him. He looks so cute. For pictures of the cards I made today, you can go to my www.creatingsarahsway.wordpress.com/ and there are also all the cards made today there.

I noticed today that I am eating a lot at the moment. I will admit to a momentary panic of OH MY GOD, I am going to end up huge. I don't really think this is the case, it's just that I am not used to being hungry all the time and I'm not sure whether I am adjusting to a (not that much) bigger size. People seeing me a month ago, would not notice that I am any different. I guess I notice it though. I'm okay with it and feel fine, but I worry that I won't be able to stop and that I'll eat and eat and eat, until it is a problem. I have no clue what's normal and I know that all people that suffer with any time of ED go through this feeling. I feel like it's right at the end of the ED now and I have just these types of things to sort out. I don't know how to sort it out though. I don't want to go back to Kerry, my dietitian. I don't feel comfortable doing that. I also don't want to. I want to sort this out on my own. I am so tired all of a sudden. Could be the long day. I will be free of this one day. When I think about the amount of time a day I spend thinking on this, it's probably about an hour. This is huge! Two months ago I spent all day every day thinking about this stuff. I am so proud of myself. What an achievement I have made. Be kind to yourselves everyone, you deserve it as much as I do!

*hugs*
Sarah

happiness is a warm blanket and a soft pillow... I'm off to bed I think!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Poo Man

Okay, so I have had an interesting few days. I have been messing around with trying to go down off of all the stuff that Kerry, my old dietitian, had me taking for constipation and lets just say (sorry, yes TMI) I have been very constipated. One of the things that Kerry got me taking was movicol. I have no clue if this brand name means anything to any of you outside Australia but it's basically used to relieve the constipation but it doesn't mess with your electrolytes. It's very gentle as well. Kerry had me taking two sachets a day as well as benefibre and around three 600ml bottles of water. I have been very bad at drinking water lately and benefibre can cause constipation if it's taken and you don't drink enough water with it.

I should have expected this but it snuck up on me. One of the ways you can take movicol is by drinking a certain number of sachets in a litre of water over a period of time in a day. Let's just say it worked and I was racing to the bathroom all afternoon. I can't believe the difference in the size of my belly from this morning. This morning I was actually in pain from it and now I feel much better, ready to take up the proper regime tomorrow and this time keep it up.

But the reason for this post is funny. While I was downstairs at one point, Andy found one of the boxes that the movicol came in. I'm not sure how many of you read the Bella and the Boys post, but my Grovie loves farts and poo and Andy put him in one of the boxes. It totally cracked me up and of course led to lots of fart jokes all afternoon. I just had to take a photo, if not to remind me that I medically (because of my medication) cannot go without this stuff and of course Grovie is too cute.

It's......... Poo Man

This photo will most likely end up in the Bella and the Boys album. I'll have to make a superhero page I think! I think it's hilarious and yes, it's silly but it's my silly sense of humour. What would the world be like without no imagination ;-P

*hugs*
Sarah

Sabby album page

I have put the album page on my creative blog. For those of you who want to see it, follow this link: http://creatingsarahsway.wordpress.com/2010/06/26/sabastian-album-title-page/

Sarah

Clyde

This morning I was pumped because I was designing a new blog for me to move to but then had a change of heart as the day has worn on. I realise that it doesn't really matter where I move to, it will still be me and I have put so much effort into this blog, that I don't want to go anywhere. I think it was also an incident that happened that helped me to decide on what I was going to do about the blog/s. Andy and I had gone shopping and we missed the train back. We went for a little walk close to the train station and I found a pet shop that I never knew was there. I went in and had a bit of a look around and as I was walking out I found an enclosure of cats. Now you guys may not know but I am a cat lover through and through and I walked over to say hi to these beautiful little creatures. When I looked in I was surprised to see a cat that was so much like my old boy Sabastian, who died on July 2nd 2007. I said hi to him and he came to me straight away and we were saying hi through the bars. All of a sudden he looked at me in a way that was so like Sabastian, that I burst into tears. It was really hard to walk out of there, I just wanted this cat to come home with me. His name was Clyde.

Andy had been waiting for me outside and he was surprised to see my crying. I told him about Clyde and told him he had to come in and see him. Andy met Sabastian before he died, as I had met Andy four months prior. It was almost like Sabby (as I called him) knew it was okay to leave, that I was well taken care of. When Andy saw Clyde, he realised how much like Sabby Clyde was. I knew too that I couldn't have Clyde, not only because we can't have pets here but because I want a cat that looks different entirely. I don't want to recreate Sabby in another cat or constantly compare them.

It was after this that I thought, I need to blog about this. I want my old blog, I don't want to leave it. I just can't! So here I am back with a happier feeling of knowing what I want to do. I blog when I feel like it and I can still see my blog grow. I have also decided that I am going to start (and finish) my album about Sabby.


This is the gorgeous album I have been working on for 2 years but haven't finished because I was doing it in the conventional scrapbooking way and have only done three pages. I have decided to go digital and re-start the album but do the pages using my digital scrapbooking techniques. I would love to finish this album. I had Sabby for 13 and a half years. I would love to have all of that documented, so I never forget the amazing cat that kept me going for all those years. I miss him lots today.

Sabastian my beautiful boy ~ I miss you lots

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, June 25, 2010

indecision

For the first time in a really long time, I am struggling to say anything. I am not sure this is necessarily a bad thing though and it does have to do with the fact that part of me has finally moved on from my eating disorder and I have settled with the bipolar and BPD. I am not having any issues with my body and I can clearly see that I have put on a small amount of weight but it doesn't scare me like it used to. I am actually feeling okay with it. I am so happy about this. I really am. What I do need to do is decide where I go from here. A part of me would like to create a new blog about, something that is still me, but about every day life and every day things that come sometimes include depression and the normal things that come with the ups and downs of life. A place where I could joke and show my scrapbook pages of Bella and the Boys and detach myself from that intense ED like talk that was my blog for so many months. I believe I have gotten better because I am in a job I love and with poeple that are lovely. I am not stressed at work, I actually enjoy it there and don't have a problem getting up and going to work in the morning. I know that, as long as I am working well, I can be there as long as I want.

So I am asking what you all think of this idea. I fresh new blog and a new place for me to still be Sarah and for all of you to still talk to me like you always do about your ups and downs as well, but a fresh place. Creating something new is an exciting idea. I was going to just keep this blog but I'm just not sure. I don't know wether I should just stay here or find a new place here on blogger. I'm leaning towards a new place entirely, just have a tiny bit of indecision. There are so many posts here but then I talk a lot, so I can always fill it up again if I do decide to move. It would be great to get some of your opinions. I hope you are all well. I am sorry for not having been around for a few days but I have been unsure of what to say and I did move Creating Sarah's Way to wordpress. Though that is still being fixed up, it's a new system and a new way of doing things. If I move to a new blog though, it would be with blogger.

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

what to do if you're sick and bored

Andy and I are both home from work sick today and I couldn't sleep and neither could he. I got my new glasses today so I gave my old ones to Grover. Andy and I were sitting on the bed talking and he asked me if I still had the two empty tissue boxes next to the side of my side of the bed and I did. So what do we do, we amuse ourselves making racing cars for the boys (as in the plush toy boys). It was so funny that I had to take photos. Here is the outcome.

They're coming round the corner and it's a close race... :-P

oh and they crash

although he was wearing his glasses, he didn't see it coming

Cookie tried to yell out but his mouth was full

Of course Ziggy had to join in the action to show off his new silver bow

*hugs*
Sarah

I take the cake

You may be wondering about my title, but there is actually no cake involved in this post. Okay, so I go to work yesterday and I have a head-cold, kind of mild, not bothering me much and I complain to the ladies in the office about how Andy was "dying" with his 'head-cold' and is such a baby. Well... fast forward about 8 hours and I am laying on the bed moaning and groaning that I'm dying because there's no way I can possibly feel this bad. Seriously, my whole body hurt. It came in waves though, one minute I wasn't too bad, the next I am hurting everywhere. I take back every word I said about Andy 'dying'. I felt like that too and I feel awful for making fun of him.

I know there are lots of colds and flu's around here right now, but oh man, I have been fighting this thing coming on for two weeks. Now it has hit. In a way I'm glad it has finally hit, so I can get better but I won't get paid for today because I haven't got any leave left. Oh well. I am not looking forward to the trek of getting my new glasses today, but I must, my eyes hurt and I want to sort that out too. I am planning on resting and reading my book if I can. Oh and making a giraffe card for one of my readers of my other blog (Chrysalis, there is one on the cartridge, I will try and make one today if I can).

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, June 21, 2010

One Lovely Blog Award


Firstly, thank you from the bottom of my heart to Annie for this award. You are awesome!

As acceptance of this award, the following criteria should be met.

Pass this on to 15 other blogs that you've newly discovered.

Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

You know what everyone, since I am sick (I have a horrible cold that's just come on) I am going to cop out of picking 15 blogs. So I'm going to tag you all because I think all of you have awesome blogs, otherwise I wouldn't read them.

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, June 20, 2010

times and other obsessive adventures

So recently I have been talking about the things that I am trying to achieve to really kick the eating disorder out of my life completely and for good. I know there may still be some lingering thoughts now and then, but that's all I want them to be, lingering thoughts and nothing more. I got up this morning knowing that it was baked beans on toast for breakfast. I asked Andy when he wanted them and he asked when I wanted them and I said sometime between 7:00-7:30, which was fine with him. I went downstairs at 7:10 itching for breakfast, not because I was hungry, I wasn't but because I wanted to eat by 7:30. I never really realised or thought about it before that I had a morning time issue with breakfast, but when I thought of it, I actually do.

Thinking about normal work days, I like to eat by between just before 6am and just after. I get all funny if I have it late and I never have it early. I have reminder in my phone about breakfast, so I don't miss the time, but also because I am usually in bloggerland, so I often don't take notice of the time when I am on there. On Saturdays I like to eat by 6:30 and on Sundays by 7:00. I think this is because of the time I go over and get coffee. I feel it's too early to have coffee and some banana bread on sunday at 9:00, if I ate at 8:00. I don't understand why that is really. There is no wrong or right time to eat, you just eat when you are hungry or at a normal mealtime. I didn't think I had many food rituals left, but I think these times may be one of them. It could also feed into my OCD time thing though as I am very precise with time for every thing. I have reminders for things that must be done before I leave for work and it's okay to do them before the time, but I get very agitated if the alarm goes off and they're not done. I'll give you a freak example of what I mean and I actually feel funny telling you guys this, but this is a morning reminder list that separate alarms go off for.

5:00    First Alarm on phone
5:01    get up
5:02    get up
5:03    get up
5:04    get up
5:05    get up
5:05    clock alarm next to bed goes off
5:10    take tablets
5:15    put anti-static spray on inside of work pants
5:20    make lunch for work
5:55    eat
6:40    get dressed
7:00    leave for work

How embarrassing I will often turn all of these off before they go off, except for the eating one ironically. I will forget that one because I am blogging. But since I've had a phone that will take reminders, I put these in for every day for all week, on a sunday afternoon, which yes you guessed it, there is a reminder for. Sunday 2pm. I'm not sure what it is about these times, but they make me feel better. At first the 'get up' times were when I was zonked out on meds, so wanted to make sure I got up on time and I liked to get up slowly in the morning, which prevents grumpiness. That's why I get up so early and now I actually wake up then anyway. Even when it's still dark in winter like it is this time of the year.

Do you have weird OCD things? Don't get me started on the washing rituals. I don't have OCD but I have symptoms of it, not that it bothers me, I just don't talk about it. The only one I do talk about is the washing one because I think it's funny and poor Andy has been banned from washing duty as he is bad at it, lol! Like I am banned at cooking because I burn or destroy, anything I am meant to cook. I even burnt a slow cook once, lol.

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, June 19, 2010

I love it but...

Today has been interesting. Interesting because I have been fighting and ignoring some thoughts about my body from my silly head. First thing this morning I weighed myself and again I am the same weight. I am so happy about this, but not the reason you may think. I am happy because over the last few weeks I have upped my food intake and stayed the same weight. I was a little scared to do this at first but I realised that I was feeling hungry after breakfast and before morning snack. So I was having a piece of think toast before work started. At first it was uncomfortable but now I notice that around 8am, I am hungry and ready for my toast. This is kinda cool. Some days I do just have toast, some days I have a scone and other days I will have banana bread. It feels right to have this extra food and it feels normal now, which is nice.

This afternoon I was dreaming of thick toast for breakfast, though it will be with baked beans (this is a sunday breakfast for us) and so I went over to the shops and bought some thick bread. Andy looked kinda happy when he saw it and then I said to him, baked beans for breakfast, with yummy thick toast. He loves yummy white toast, so I overcame my fear of white bread and bought thick white bread. I think he will be very happy in the morning. This has also got me to thinking of how much Andy has missed out on over the years because I wouldn't eat something he really liked. Some of the things I can think of are bacon and eggs; avocado; cheese; potato bake; very hot (as in spicy) food (this is because I get asthma if I eat spicy stuff) and a million other things I can't think of right now. I never really thought about it before, but isn't that so unfair. Because of my ED thoughts, Andy misses out. One thing that has changed is that when Andy cooks now, which is most of the time, I stay out of the kitchen and let him cook his way. It hasn't made me fat. It has got me to try lots of foods I hadn't had before actually, that I now really like. I am really trying to slowly kick my food rules in the butt.

I have now kicked the 'can't eat after 7:30pm rule' a few weeks ago, when our takeaway food we got delivered, came at 7:40pm. I ate it and I didn't get fat. I didn't finish until just before 8pm. Something I would never have done before I started to push the boudaries. I would have pleaded sick. I looked at myself in the mirror today objectively. I am still the same, maybe the tiniest bit curvier, but who cares. It's my body and Andy tells me he doesn't care what size I am. Who the hell cares. I am happy and healthy. I am fine the way I am. I really still want to break the 'you can't eat the whole steak' rule. I have half or 3/4 but can't seem to do the whole thing. These are not huge steaks either. I am going to try this one on monday night when we have steak next. Another myth, you will get hugely fat if you drink any alcohol. I will have one to two alcoholic apple cider's a week. I know that is not much, but I thought it would make me fat and I am fine. I love the apple cider.The only thing that did freak me out today is I found an easter bunny stash and I ate the whole bunny. It wasn't big but I did have a little panic for an hour but I told myself that I hardly do that ever, so DON'T worry, it's okay. It's just one day. I settled down after a while and felt okay. I worry too much.

Anyway, I am going to keep trying to push the food rules and prove to myself that my body can handle so much more than I give it credit for. That because I eat more on one day, won't make me suddenly three sizes bigger in a day or a week. At work we have morning teas on friday. I am learning to love these as the foods are different every week because a different part of the team will bring in food. I had my first ever chocolate eclaire on friday and it was really nice. It wasn't a big one, just small but I still liked it.

Goal: Try one food item each week that scares me or makes me feel uncomfortable. Think about why it make me feel this way and eat it anyway.

Tomorrow: Thick white toast with butter for breakfast and possibly baked beans.

I so can do this!

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, June 18, 2010

saying goodbye

Today was the day I said goodbye to Cecily. I wasn't sad or anything and it was nice to know that both of us are moving on. She into a fully fledged psychologist and me into my job as the timetable person in my faculty. Cecily turned out to be awesome and I am really proud of her for how she was with me. I am not an easy person to have as a client and she was able to rise to the occasion over and over again when I threw her some difficult problems to deal with. Even so much as personally taking me back to hospital several months ago. One of the things she said though was that if I ever need a psychologist again, to not go through the university clinic with the interns. She is going to send me a list of psychologists that she thinks will be of more help and one of them is even in the same building as Dr M. Cecily said that way I won't be starting from scratch (as in someone learning psychology as well as getting to know me) as well as the fact that they are only an intern for one year and I caught Cecily on the last part of her internship. It is fortunate indeed that I no longer need to see her.

I realised too that the feelings I had this morning about my body, were just minor thoughts that went away as the day went on. I realised I am happy with the way I am. I am not at all fat and I am just a normal size and it's nice to not have to think about what I am eating all the time all day. It is exhasting to keep up that kind of thinking. Plus it ruins your day when you don't meet that said amount of calories you think is the 'perfect' amount. I realise I really don't know that much about what normal eating is.

Yesterday I asked Andy if it was normal to have oatmeal at 6am and then have a slice of thick toast and butter at 8am. He said that some people have a lot more than that and he didn't consider that a big meal. I am still wearing nearly all the same clothes, so I can't be that different to what I was 5 months ago. I know the 'number' has changed but I can still wear them, which is really good. It goes to show that I have eaten a lot more and I am not huge or even close to that. I am normal and I am finally listening to my body. Sometimes I will feel like a specific food, sometimes I will feel like something, so I eat. I feel hungry, I eat and it feels good to do that. I don't have to try and ignore that hunger for 2 hours because 'it's not the right time to eat'. I am glad that I can go, okay, body is hungry, what does it want and can I give it to it. Now it's more of a case of 'do I have some of that', rather than, trying to find something different because I am worried about the calories. Tonight I had rice, Dal, vegetable pakoras and some cheese, onion, spinach and garlic naan bread. I think about the amount I didn't get full. I wonder whether this is because I didn't eat enough. That is my elusive thing now, 'is this a normal sized portion?'  I try and figure it out but I don't think I have figured it out yet. Hence asking Andy about normal sized breakfasts.

One day I won't need to ask :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

body distortions

Here I am talking about how I have become accepting of my body the way it is and it's true that I have in some ways. But I caught myself mid thought this morning when I relised I was thinking that I had resigned myself to always be fat. What? Fat?

I was suddenly hyper-aware of my body and I realised it was true, that although I have only put on 2kg, I still think I'm fat and would look better smaller. Even worse I caught myself admiring a tiny skinny girl on the way to work and thinking I must have looked like that at my lowest and there's still time. It seems I am still having eating disordered thoughts although I convinced myself I didn't have an ED anymore. I don't know how to feel about this!

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, June 17, 2010

as it turns out

I tried to go to work today. I really did. I had a horrible headache and got halfway and then went home. I felt awful it being my first proper week and having to have a sick day. I did suspect that my headache was due to eye strain, so I went to have an eye test and sure enough, my glasses prescription has changed a lot in 2 years. The optometrist actually had to recheck the right eye because he thought he had made a mistake, but then when he put those funny glasses on me for me to try the script, I could see really well, he realised it was correct.

I got a two for the price of one deal and the glasses are nice. I like them. They are going to try and hurry the order along because of my headaches, though the optometrist suspects that I may have a sinus infection as well, because of where the pain is. So a combination of both. I think it will be early to bed again tonight. Sorry I haven't been reading posts and comment, but it really hurts to sit at the computer right now. I'm hoping to get my new glasses soon and then I can comment away until my heart is content. I will try and read when I can until then.

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

the effects of stress

As most of you know, for the last four weeks I had been worried about whether or not I would get the job I am doing. It was such a relief on friday finding out I did get it and now it's all been finalised and I am officially in this job, as long as do a good job, for as long as I want. It's a nice feeling. Over the last few weeks I have been taking increasing doses of valium and seroquel prn, to help me sleep, as the stress had been making my head go nuts as soon as it was time to go to bed. Last night was the first night I didn't take anything to sleep and this morning, to my surprise, I was so drugged out that I couldn't stand. Andy had to put me back to bed this morning and I barely got up in time for my appointment with Dr M and then on to work.

When I told Dr M about it, he said that it could have been a build up of stress from the past few weeks. I really hope it doesn't happen tomorrow. I have had a headache all day as well and Steve, my boss, sent me home a little bit early today. I still have the headache. I may take some paracetamol, though I will not take any extra meds tonight, I don't want a repeat of this morning. It was actually really hard making breakfast because I was losing my balance. I had to keep stopping to sit down. After I ate breakfast I had to lay down again and fell asleep again. On the train I fell asleep all the way to the city and then again on the bus to the uni I work at. I feel like I have taken a big sigh of relief, but all this pent up anxiety had nowhere to go. I have felt tired all day. Exhausted actually. I will be in bed early tonight I think. It's only 7:24pm but I'm already wanting to go to sleep. My eyes feel like sandpaper. I hope this lets up soon. I don't like feeling so tired and out of it.

I think I need to go to bed!

*hugs*
Sarah


Tuesday, June 15, 2010

getting better and moving on

If you had told me four weeks ago where I'd be right now, I wouldn't have believed you. Right now my life seems to be so awesome. I know I will still have ups and downs, but it feels like the normal ups are in control right now. I am having so many less thoughts about my body and when I say that, I mean I may get one thought a day about feeling I am not happy with my body. Most of the time though, I am okay. Today's thought was that I could notice my cellulite on my legs. I had a counter thought though saying that pretty much most 'normal' women have a little bit of cellulite. My clothes fit. I don't know my weight. I don't want to know my weight. I am eating more. I often have a bowl of oatmeal at 6am with some sultanas in it and a bit of honey for flavour. Then at about 8:30am I have a piece of toast. My hunger has come back, so by 8:30am I am really ready for the toast and I usually have a skim latté with it. Then I am ready for my muesli bar at 10am. Last week I worried that this was too much food but I do feel hungry, so I am going to let my body eat. It doesn't appear that I have put on weight, I am still wearing the same clothes.

Last night I had a second helping for some potato bake that Andy made. It was really good. When I think back to three months ago, I was in a nightmare rollercoaster with my eating disorder. Now I feel like I don't have one. I even had cookie dough at work today when everyone else was trying it. I've never had it before and neither had anyone else. So it was nice to join in with everyone and not be worried about the calories. I did look at the number and thought, that's nothing and it wasn't me that brought it up. It was our executive dean who looked at the number and then since our faculty teaches math, he tried converting the kj to calories.

I am amazed at my life right now. I have done everything opposite to normal. I didn't take a mug to work that I can use as my own; I only took my purple pen as my only personal item, except my drink bottle; I didn't go into the job thinking I'd get it; I didn't tell everyone about my ED and mental health issues (I've done this in the past); I didn't try and get people to tell me they thought I'd get the job; in the interview, I was extremely nervous (normally I am confident). I think because I changed my game plan, I gave myself a better chance. Today I took my cat mug to work and I took some of my own favourite stationery items. I took Bracken, my little badger, who now sits between both of my monitors. I sent a desktop picture that I liked instead of using the university one, which is boring. I took a larger carton of V8, now that I know I will be there as long as I like as long as I do okay. I had lunch with a friend of mine and Andy's and I told her the truth about what happened to me from the language school. She is also being bullied and so I told her how I dealt with it. This person has known Andy since he was in uni years ago, so she also was very happy we got married. She is an amazingly lovely women that I have a lot of respect for. I wish she wasn't being tormented at work. I've seen her boss in action and she is awful.

I spoke to Cecily today and we have one more appointment and then that's it. I am happy about this and she probably is too because she is finishing her internship. Perfect timing for both of us. I see her next tuesday and we will just close off and say goodbye. I will make her a thank you card and a congratulations card all in one. Also I want to thank all of you who comment and let me know that I'm not alone when I don't feel the best. I think it's so awesome having you all here so that I can vent and also tell you good things. I see Dr M tomorrow and it will be nice to tell him the difference in two weeks. Now that I am seeing him every fortnight, it is good to see things get better, than get worse or fall apart.

The only negative is Andy is now feeling a little depressed. I think it will be okay but I worry when he is like this. It is also work related but has to do with the fact that at his level, he is higher than me, he doesn't get a lot of direction and he worries that he is not doing well enough. I suggested he talk to his supervisor and get feedback, which I think he is going to do, which is good.

There is only one negative tonight and that is I'm freezing my butt off, lol. I have goosebumps from the cold and my nose is really cold too. So... in saying that I am going to go and hop into bed and cuddle Solomon. Let's hope the smooth sailing continues at least for a while!

*hugs*
Sarah

I so wish I could make cupcakes like these and Cookie would love them :-)

I am small

I am walking to work this morning and I look down at my red shoes and think how awesome red is. You can see it from so far away. So I look up and I look for red and it's everywhere and I think of myself standing there, thinking of red and feeling quietness and peace now I have this job, that I realise just how small I am in comparison to things in the world. I am ant scurrying along, making my way in the world. So does that make ants just so much more awesome because they are smaller than me and they can carry more than their body weight. What an awesome morning of random thoughts!
*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, June 14, 2010

Sillness with stockings

I have been very bored today, mainly because it is a long weekend and I don't know what to do with myself. I am very soon going down to make cards or play with my cricut. In the meantime though, I was putting away some stockings I had bought to wear with my red shoes that I got for my wedding. Since they are dressy casual, I thought they would go well with my black work pants and my red jumper. I had bought some last weekend but they are way too thin as I like them to be more opaque. Anyway, I had these four pairs of knee high stockings left and what do you do with those but put them to use in a funny way with four of your plush toys. Call me crazy but I found it so funny I was snorting. I told Andy he wasn't allowed in the room until I was ready and he didn't know what the hell was going on. Here are the spoils of a demented and very bored mind.

the group shot

I wonder who this is... anyone seen Ziggy anywhere?

ten pin Cookie

Grovie's beehive

Solomon wonders why this is so funny

***

On a competely different track, while I am posting photos, I was cleaning my chest of drawers today when I had a proper look at a photo that was taken in England when I was four years old. I am sitting on my Nana's knee and so is my three year old little brother, Chris. It is so faded, so I did a touch up of it, not albe to remove all of the colour cast, since the original photo was taken in 1978, it is old itself and it has been sitting in light all day since I got it years ago. I think I did an okay job of fixing it up actually. Don't be sucked in to the smile on my face, I was the devil child. I will tell you one story now. When I was around the same age in the photo, I filled a wading pool up in the house in my bedroom using a kids bucket from my bedroom to the bathroom and back. It was about 3am when I got up and I used to cause all sorts of problems. But this day I managed to flood the top hallway and my bedroom floor. When my Dad got up, he said to Mum, the kids have filled the pool up in the house. Translate, Sarah got up at 3am again and today the pool has been filled up in the house. When Dad came into my room, my brother, forced to join in again and I were sitting in our swimmers in the pool having heaps of fun. Eventually they put a gate on my door, that amazingly I got out of every day though they have no idea how. I even remember the moment of breaking it off and sliding downt he stairs in it when I was five.

Me, my Nana and My brother Chris

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, June 13, 2010

a moment of feeling down

I was talking to one of my old workmates from the school that I used to work in where I got bullied and I realised after I got off the phone from her that I was feeling quite down. I didn't know why at first but then I thought of her and my other friend there, that are still having to put up with the crap that my old boss dishes out. Sure they are still there and that is their choice, but I did still feel a little sad, especially for one of them, that really doesn't have a choice right now. I made her a card with two new stamps I bought today, which are awesome by the way. So tomorrow I will make another the same and take photo of it. I already put it in the envelope, otherwise would have shown you guys how awesome this stamp is. This particular one is of the sun looking at the moon and it's beautiful. It's quite an old stamp, I can tell by looking at it and I got it for only $4 as it was being sold as second hand. I have no idea why anyone would want to get rid of this gorgeous stamp.

Anyway, I forced myself to stop being depressed and I did the organising of the photos that Andy and I took today on our afternoon of photography, including one crow shot that I will show you all, that I can't believe I got. Although it is very blurry, you can see it on its tiptoes about to fly away. If it was not blurry it would be awesome.


If you want to have a look at the rest of the photos, you can see them here on my other blog. I just love taking photos and then coming home and editing them. Though it's usually just giving them a name other than what my camera calls it and finding a place I can find them again on my computer.

I also realised I may have been feeling down as I was drinking a strongbow at the time on my own while Andy was upstairs. I know that alcohol is a depressant and I know I shouldn't really drink anyway with the amount of medication I'm on. I'm also lucky though that alcohol is not a huge thing with me, I will have one a few weekends in a row and then none for 3 months. I'm quite happy without it.

Overall it was a good day. My hands have been and are now again covered in ink (from the cardmaking), which is just the way I like it.

*hugs*
Sarah

10 Random photos + 2 + 1

I'm sitting here this morning bored out of my brain and it is only 6:53am. I am putting off going through all my craft drawers to remove things I don't want anymore because my neighbour has a granddaughter that loves to make cards. I have a huge box of stuff and I need to check that too so that it is kid friendly. So I took some random photos. I normally have ten but I figured an extra two won't hurt.

It is very cold for me here at the moment, not one else seems to be feeling as badly as me
Insert last night's photo here (this is the +1)

I love this blue hoodie and although you can't see it, it has a big picture of Cookie Monster's face on it.
Back to my random photos.

Now that I know I am staying in my job, I have some things I want to take. Bracken for one, to guard my desk, my favourite mug. I was going to take the mug before now but felt it would be a bad omen or something, yes I am strange. I know we get stationery at work, but I love stationery so much I wanted take pink pens and coloured star paper clips and just fun stuff.

I found a hidden bunny. Watch out little bunny :-P

Me at 6:30am, very exciting, lol

This is the album that the story of Bella and the Boys is going in. I did have another album in mind (next photo) but I realised I could find refill pages for it and my story is growing. 

This would have been perfect for Bella and the Boys but it will only hold 20 layouts and I have added extra ones in already. I am now using this for random layouts.

A box of cards I have made all ready to give away or use including envelopes. Maybe one day I will take them to work to sell.

Bling, which I am using more and more on cards

My drawer full of stamps. I LOVE stamps.

My inspiration. I often read these mags and then put in little post-it notes on the pages I want look at again for ideas

My new favourite water bottle. I had a gorgeous orange aluminium one but the V8 got residue on it that was really hard to clean and I tasted bad.

three eggs left (I found the stash of eggs last weekend) so these only lasted a week, well after today that will be true!

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Dear Cecily

Hi Cecily

Well, I had my interview yesterday and I was very very nervous. I wanted the job so badly that I really didn’t think I’d stand a chance. I got it! They told me before I left for the day and I can’t believe I have finally achieved something I have been striving for over two and a half years. Permanency. I don’t think it’s entirely sunk in yet and probably won’t until it’s all official and signed off on.

The other good thing is my eating issues have been non-existent. I have been eating very normally and only weighing once a week. This morning, although I did weigh myself, I had a moment where I just kinda forgot. I am even drinking full fat milk at work. It’s like over the last four weeks, working in a really nice place, it doesn’t bother me. I have also not mentioned anything about food or mental health issues at work. This is a first. I feel like it is all opposite to normal with me and in a way I think that is why it has worked.

I have been participating in life more and not in cyberspace as much, not that there is anything wrong with that. I feel like my life has changed and come together in a way that hasn’t happened in a very very long time. I have my confidence back at work and I am enjoying the job. I am just so so happy with everything. It will be so nice to not worry about what will happen with work in four weeks.

I also want to say to you, thank you for all the time and effort you spent helping me from when things first went belly up last year. Your support has been awesome and has helped so much, even if it was just a reminder of what I already knew but had misplaced for a bit. I don’t think I need to come back to the clinic at this point and I wish you well with the remainder of your studies and launching into the career of the awesome psychologist I know you are already and will be in the future.

Thanks Heaps
Sarah :-)

Bella and the Boys continues

For those of you who have missed the story so far, here are the links to catch up. First is the actual story of Bella and the Boys and here is the actual first few pages of the digital scrapbooking story of Bella and the Boys and how they came to be together, basically here is where were are up to with the story so far.

The Story continues...






 To be continued...

Credits: Introducing Grovie - Papers and Elements by Chriscrap Walk in the Wood kit available at Digital Creá. Grovie and Cookie -  Paper by Chriscap Walk in the Wood kit available at Digital Creá. Sarah Was Sad - Paper by Cucciola Designs Loving Memory Charity kit and elements by Dydyge Blossoms of Ice kit available at Digital Creá.

Friday, June 11, 2010

I got the job!

This is going to be quick, as I am in the process of celebrating. I am now permanent. I can't believe it. I am so so happy and I was so nervous today. I burst into tears before the interview and then my heart was pounding. They told me late this afternoon that I got it. WOW! This is awesome.

*hugs*
Sarah

A Blog With Substance Award



[edit - silly me forgot to thank the person who gave me this award - BlackEyedDog - thanks :-)]
 

Sum up your blogging philosophy, motivation and experience using 5 words.


Acceptance, recovery, connecting, empathy, listening

I am meant to pass this on to 10 people and it's not that I don't think 10 people deserve this award, I'm just too lazy. So I am passing this on to 5 other blogs you believe are 'Blogs of Substance'. You are all awesome in my eyes.

Here you are in no specific order

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, June 10, 2010

the reason for the pain

I went to work this morning a little frazzled because I couldn't get the credits in my last post with the album pages in quick enough. So it didn't start the best. I got to work too early, due to catching an early train, not on purpose, just got there as it was coming in and I noticed that I was hungry as I was getting to work. I really didn't like this because I had had breakfast already at 6am and it was only 8am. I decided to go to a coffee shop we have on campus and have a piece of raison toast and a latté. It was very cold this morning and I was out of sorts and didn't know why. I got to work, noticed my neck nerves were spasming and burst into tears. I went home. I lasted a whole 10 minutes at work and my boss said to go and he was really good about it.

I waited for the bus, just missed one and then missed my training and had to wait for 30 minutes for the next one. On the way home I realised why I was feeling so awful (a) last night was cold and I kept kicking off my blankets, so I didn't sleep well (b) this one should have been in flashing letters above my head - I have my interview tomorrow for the job I am in at the moment and I'm really nervous. Not about the interview but about the fact that I know all three people interviewing me. I would be so much happier if it was three people I didn't know. I've never been in this situation before.

I decided too that I didn't like my interview outfit, that it wasn't quite up to scratch and I didn't want to get cold either or my neck would get sore from tensing and my interview is at 2:50pm (what a weird time). So on the way home I jumped off two stops early and got a woollen vest that will dress up my top. I came home and realised my top was short sleeved, and although I wear a jacket, I would be cold all day. So I went over to my local shops and they must have known I was coming as they were having a sale and I got a long sleeved white button up top and a white long sleeved top to go under it to keep me warm for $20. I was so happy. I feel really ready now with what I'm wearing. I am happy with my outfit which will make me feel better walking into that interview.

I did also have a sleep for two hours and that made me feel so much better too. So I am ready. I can't be more ready. I am taking my application with me tomorrow to ready on the way to work to make sure I know what I have said. I am seeing this as just another day. I can't change what they already think of me. I have been working for them for four weeks now and they know I know what I am doing. I am being given new things to learn to do all the time, which is a plus. I love the job. I like the other staff a lot and I'm taking Ziggy to keep me calm. He can sit on my desk and no one needs to know about why he is there. I think the two staff members that work with me in the office tomorrow will think he is cute.

I can't be more ready. I will do my best and that is all I can do and the rest is up to fate and the fact that they will know I want to be there, for the right reasons.

*hugs*
Sarah

P.S. Glad you guys liked my album pages ~ more soon!

more album pages, Bella and the Boys

Some of you may have seen the Bell and the Boys story a few posts ago. If not, here is the link to the story. I was going to post these scrapbook pages up on my other blog but I think those of you who don't read my other blog and who liked the story, might like to see the pages. So here are the first five pages of the album, starting of course with the title page. Some of you may have seen this one, I think it was on my other blog, not sure though.

Title page - don't forget you can click on the image to make it bigger

Page one

Page two

Page three

Page four and last page for now.

I hope you all have a great day/night and I will catch up on more blogs tonight as I am just heading off to work now. 
*hugs*
Sarah

Credits ~`Title page: Paper and elements by Ptitesouris A Paradise Lost kit, available at Digital Creá. Page one: Paper by Anja J and Sunflower Designs Collaboration kit avaiable at PickleBerryPop. Page Two: Papers by Chriscrap Happy Time kit available at Digital Creá. Page three; Papers by chouk77 Twinnie Part 3 kit and Fanette Designs Loving Memory kit; Elements by Lolden Designs Pause detente kit available at Digital Creá. Page four: Papers from Chriscrap and chouk77 Twinnie Part 3 kit; Elements by Fanette Designs Loving Memory kit available at Digital Creá.