Saturday, July 31, 2010

new stuff

My poor feet are tired today after walking around my local shopping centre, then catching the train into the city, shopping some more, then coming home and shopping some more. I have been trying clothes on all over the place because I need to replace a lot of my old clothes, not only because some are too small but because some just need replacing. The older I get, the more girly I become. I have put on layby two pairs of pants for work, a dress for work, a skirt for work and I found this pair of shoes in one shop very appealing, which is scary since they were very very girly. I used to be the tomboy. I also went to the art shop and got some things for my cartooning and for my Christmas cards I make. This time I will try and sell them. Most of my clothes I tried on are on layby, I only got one pair of pants today. It is starting to get warm, so I am going to need spring clothes soon. Today it has been very warm, as was yesterday. Considering it is still winter, 27 degrees was a shock to the system and I was wearing too many clothes to work. Soon it will be my pretty bright coloured tops and sandals. So here are some of my new things.

My new cargo pants (so much for girly huh)!

The sequel to the much loved The Lonely Were Wolf Girl. I didn't know the author was writing more and so I had a lovely surprise when I found this!

The new editions of some of my favourite magazines.

A wooden bunny head I got at the art shop. I thought it might help me with my shaping of Bella's head.

Tracing paper to help with copying Bella's head.

Self explanatory pens.

A4 size cream cardstock for my Christmas cards.

Clear acetate for the window of my Christmas cards.

So that's it for my purchases for today but it was a good day and now I'm tired. I might just curl up with my book soon and relax!

*hugs*
Sarah

I like it, I hate it!

I have been having huge body issues lately. I can tell I have put on weight and half the time I am okay with it, but the other half I feel huge and fat and ugly and horrible. On thursday night and last night I am looking at my body in despair in the mirror, feeling horrible and huge and disgusting. I am trying so hard to embrace my body change and the fact that I now do eat very normally, it's just that there is a part of me that wants my body back of 3 months ago. I like it, I hate it. I can't decide and it depends on the day, the hour, the minute. I wish there was a way for me to just accept myself but I am scared to. I am so scared of getting overweight, as I have been there before. I wasn't enormous but I felt like it and it made me feel bad. I am scared of that. I am scared of me now. I am scared I am heading towards that. I am just plain old scared. I wish I could be 5kg lighter because that is a lot to put on and I hate it. I don't know how to feel. I don't know what's right and what's not anymore. I have no clue, I have nothing to compare with. My normal before ED was still ED but in a different sense. I don't think I have ever been normal with food. EVER! To boot, I am constipated and bloated and disgusting. I hate my body right now and don't know what to do to feel better about it.

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, July 30, 2010

art, photography and other strange stories

It's finally friday night for me. Yay! The week was a long one, but it ended good and I had a good day. I am very annoyed at Australia Post right now. A book that I really wanted to read this weekend, that I ordered online and was sent three days ago, that should have been here by now, is not here. I ordered Whatcha Mean, What's a Zine and seriously wanted to start something towards my cartooning and organisation of the zine I will be creating. We are already working on the story lines and one of them came about today that made the images of the comic strip pop into my head and I was sitting alone in my little work area laughing to myself, which is a sure way to get attention for the wrong reasons of course, ha ha! I think it's the best story line and I've written it down in the back of my art diary so I don't forget it. The stories are coming thick and fast with me feeling a little left behind with the drawing. I know that I need some more direction, which my cartooning and animation course that this time next week I will be enrolled in and then will just have to wait for the package with course info in it to arrive so I can start. I have had some direction from Jess from Squid-Bits, which was pretty awesome, so thanks Jess.

Tomorrow I am excited to say that Andy and I are going into the city. We are going to the art shop and then to the shop he refers to as the nerd shop, which I love too because it sells graphic novels and I love graphic novels and comics of any kind. They might also give me some much needed help with getting some of my designs on paper. I am still working on Bella but her ears just really throw me off! Now that sounds weird. I love the nerd shop mainly because I guess I'm a nerd. Yay for nerds all over the world. I am going to see if there are any graphic novels in the style I have in mind there and a few series graphic novels that I would like the next parts to. Then we are going to go and do some photography. I'm not sure where but I know that we will be taking our cameras.

Don't forget that the draw to the competition is on Sunday. If you still want to be included, just tell me why you would like to win. If you want to have a go, you would win four original handmade cards. Be creative, funny, bold, whatever you like. I will post the winners pack out on Monday and there is a runners up prize too. So far there are four entries. Why not join them. just leave me a comment.

So there you go, all is well in the land of Sarah and her wonderful plush friends. I hope you all have a fab weekend. I will post my findings at the art and nerd shop and of course you will see any photography that pops up along the way.

*hugs*
Sarah

If only Bella was as easy as Dino looks like in this pic I found.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Empty pockets

I got to thinking last night about the whole self harm thing, so this morning I put the craft knife back in the craft trolley. I really must remember that there are good and days (or even moments).

I am just really going to concentrate as much as I can on my art and cardmaking. I am going just keep cardmaking at least once a week and drawing as much as I can. I have my two classes coming up. I must focus on these things. Andy right now is hard but it will get better with meds he is now on.

On a lighter note, don't forget my compition where can win a pack of four of my handmade cards. You have until Sunday night austalian time. You can enter two ways, firstly by leaving a comment on this. The other way to win is by going to my creative blog www.creatingsarahsway.wordpress.com. You just need to tell me (on either blog) why you should win. So be creative, daring or bold or all three, I dare you! Pictures of cards on both links.

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

in my jacket - trigger warning SI

What I haven't told you all is how much I am struggling with thoughts of self harm right now. It's in my head every day. It's like a disease and now that I have unlocked the door earlier this year, that had been closed for three years, I have opened a huge can of worms. In my jacket I have hidden a craft knife. Andy doesn't know. It feels good to know it's there. My psychiatrist is the only one that knows the knife is there. I can't tell Andy because he is suffering from severe depression. I know him knowing that I have this knife in my jacket would make him feel bad, so that's why I can't tell him. In the last week I have thought of every place I could self harm where no one would notice. This is taking it to the next step by carrying a knife around so close to my body. I am trying to fill my days up with work and art/creativity.

In a way it's working but there is this hole that can't be filled and the only thing that can fill it is self harm. Those of you that have never self harmed, may not understand this. But if you have self harmed, you probably know what I mean. It's addictive, just like an eating disorder is. It is a ritual, which is highly worked out for me anyway. I plan it right to the last part of it. Even leaving the taking care of the wounds for the setting up of the ritual. I have not yet self harmed. Every day though that I walk to the train. I imagine it. I picture it. I see where I would go at work to do it. How long it would take. Planning it out to the last detail. Then I ditch those plans and start new ones. I ask myself questions. Would he notice. If I did it in X place, would he notice if I was in the shower and he walked past. I see the images of the SI very clearly. It's taking me over. I want to draw rabbits and all I can think about when I am not occupied by work and drawing, is how to hurt myself. I take valium every night because I can't get to sleep on my own. The SI thoughts take over any time that my mind is not occupied. Bed is the worst part. I get stuck in the grip of the thoughts and it feels like a virus. One thought leads to the other until I eventually get drugged to sleep. Then I can't wake up in the morning because of all the other medication I take. Life is uncertain. Andy will be leaving his job. He will have no income. I don't know what to do. He is in no state to work as it is. I am crawling on the edge of a knife tonight.
 
The Evil

You have sharp edges and points.
Yet you are also rounded and
the orange wraps around my finger,
keeping you in place.
You want to crawl along my skin
and bite down deep
so hard that I yell silently.
I quiver in anticipation
of our expected meeting
that seems to keep getting put off.
See all it took was once and
now I cannot be rid of you.
You rob me of my quiet time
and you attach yourself like a burr.
Will I ever be free of you?
Once I thought so, I now
don't believe this to be true.
Now that I let you out of the box
I shoved you into over three years ago,
you have free reign.
Every time I run you along my skin
I bleed and let the evil in!


I just want to draw rabbits.

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

a great day

I have had the best day ever. Let me tell you why. I got to work just started as normal and went through up until lunch time. At lunch I called the Institute of Art in my area and I found out that there is going to be an intro to drawing class that will run over two days in October, which is a really good price and I can sign up for in a few weeks. I then got lost in drawing Bella and was nearly late back to work because I lost track of time. I also drew a picture of Sabby, my cat that died in 2007 but it was a really bad drawing. I think I am just going to keep drawing Bella in all different ways until I can come up with a drawing style for her that I like. I then asked if I could have the day after the drawing course off, because it's on a Saturday and Sunday all day and I won't have had a weekend and my boss said it will probably be okay. I then got told that I could have the hours I really want to work, which is 8:30 to 4:30 because I normally do 9am-5pm but my boss has been noticing that I am very tired in that last hour and he knows I get up at 5am, so he said that he thought that would suit me better. I was so amazed and just said yes. So I start this on Thursday because I am in late tomorrow due to seeing Dr M, my psychiatrist.

Then I get home and I had a very special package in the post from Sarah with her Twisted Tales of Nether Edge arriving in my mail box. I squealed with delight and ran inside to open it. I love it by the way. Sarah you are awesome! Then I did my tax return for the year and I am going to be getting back $3800.00. I am in so much shock and so excited. This means I can do both art courses (this includes the drawing and animation course I am doing) and pay off some things I have wanted to pay off for a while and get some new clothes too. Very excited. Oh and I will most likely end up in the art shop too. I love art shops.

Nothing much else going on. I am waiting for a my copy of Whatcha Mean, It's a Zine, which was recommended by the lovely Katie, from Green Bean Studio. Can't want for that. I found out it was shipped today. I can then put all these ideas in my head into a zine of my own or maybe a graphic novel, now that would be fun. I love graphic novels. Maybe a zine first though. I need to practice.

And don't forget about my competition. If you want to win four of my very own handmade cards, you just need to go to my creative blog here and tell my in the most creative way of course, why you would like to win. Please don't be put off because it is wordpress blog. I will also accept answers given on this blog but you must comment on this post, just so I don't have to look all over the place for comments. One more thing. I am extending the competition until Sunday night my time, so Sunday morning if you are on the other side of the globe and not in Australia. I will then send the parcel on Monday. It just works out easier for me. So have a go and just to make it interesting, I am going to have a runner's up prize too. So go on, come up with some good answers and enter the competition. There are already four contenders, YOU CAN DO IT!

*hugs*
Sarah

Five Random Photos

So I haven't done the random photos in a while and I few and thought I'd share them wth you.

Guatemalan worry dolls that I got for my friend Jo's birthday. She loved them.

 I made this sign for Andy's study when I got Harold (my little plush hippo) and he has never taken it down.  I think it's cute :-)

Chupa chups - love them. My favourite flavours are orange and the strawberry ones right now. We had a whole barrel of them at work for student orientation last week. So I stole a heap and hid them everywhere, lol. I have them in my desk, in my bag and next to my bed.

The magazine I am sort of reading at the moment. I keep picking it up and putting it down.

I found these little smurfs on the shelf in Andy's study. He collected them ages ago and I used to love the smurfs. When I was a kid, I remember they would put smurfs on Christamas eve and Christams day on TV for kids and it was awesome. I also love the Flinstones and the Jestsons.

Whare are you're favourte cartoons from when you were growing up?

*hugs*
Sarah

P.S. Don't forget the competition to win 4 of my handmade cards. Click here to go to my creative blog and you can leave me a comment. I am picking the person with the most creative answer.


Monday, July 26, 2010

Bursting through

As I sit here on the train home from work, I feel content in myself and the direction I am going. I no longer spend my days thinking about the food/meal that is next or how much fat is in a particular food. It's such a good feeling to know, to really know that that part of my life has passed. I know that I am slightly heavier, though you really can't tell.

When I think of what is coming up for me, it's a life filled with creativity and of working hard in my job. I want to be happy and not be obsessive about things that on the grand scheme of things, really don't matter to how I live my life and move away from all that darkness that was so evident in January this year. I want to learn to control my drawing (so lots of practice) and create a zine or graphic novel of the stories in my head. I want to write poetry again. Not the dark stuff, though you never really lose that. I want to write because I love life, not because I hate it!

I want to watch nature and the world around and do it in a Sarah way. I want to be the best I can be and in the process find the girl who got lost along the way. I feel her and she is bursting and the seams. She is bursting through!

I think I found myself!

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, July 25, 2010

a competition

So I think it's my turn to have a fun competition as there have been a few going around lately. If you would like to go into the running to win four of my own designed handmade cards, you can go to my other blog Creating Sarah's Way and leave a comment with your name and email address, plus tell me why you want to win. The most creative answer will win the cards and I will post them out to you. You have until Thursday night Australian time, which will most likely be Thursday morning for most of you, this is so I can get the cards in the post on Friday. All you need to do to go to my other blog is to click here. The photos of the cards you can win are shown on my other blog.

[edit] See the picture of the cards you could win if you decide to give the competition a go!


So go to my other blog here to have a go!




Good luck everyone!

~Sarah~

a post about eating

If you had told me that there would be a time where I would be eating whatever I wanted (within reason) and be at a higher (but not much) weight, I would have told you that you had gone crazy. Since finding stability in my job, although there are some rocky moments with Andy's depression, I have not once restricted. Yeah I've thought about it but then I think about having to get back to the point I am now, where my weight only fluctuates minimally each Saturday. It's nice to not have to spend hours picking and choosing what my next meal or snack will be. I like that I am pursing my creativity and doing something so much more positive with my time than counting calories.

It's not easy sometimes. Sometimes I will still order the low fat or no fat option if I am out because although I know I'd be okay with the other option, I still have some fear, which will eventually go. Take for example frozen dinners that you get and heat and eat. I used to always go for the low fat weight watchers ones or similar but one day I tried a full fat one and I really liked it. Not only did it have more flavour but it also filled me up more and I wasn't hungry again an hour later. I found this transition actually quite scary to be honest, because I kept thinking if I ate those instead (we only get one a week when we are too tired to cook) I would get fat. But I did eat it and I didn't get fat. I spoke to my old dietitian about this issue and she said the reason she thought these were a good idea was because it was like a proper meal, which is true.

I am heavier weight wise, but I still fit into most of my clothes. There are just two pairs of jeans and one pair of work pants that don't fit. I hardly think that is a disaster. I actually am really happy about that I am okay with that. The cool thing about jeans though, is that the smaller ones are kinda boring but the size up, both pairs are kind of funky, so I like that! I can't believe I made it this far. I am so happy with myself and I could never have done it without the support of each and every one of you. You are all so awesome for reading and commenting and helping me along the way with my eating disorder and my other issues too. Don't worry, I'm not going to stop blogging at all. I am sure eating stuff will still come up from time to time as will my other mental health issues. It's the nature of having these disorders in the first place, I kind of feel sort of vulnerable. I am off to have breakfast and then I'll come up and read your blogs :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

I want to see the colour in the world
Photo taken from photobucket

Saturday, July 24, 2010

New stuff, new plans

Now that all the iPhone stuff has been fixed up, thankfully. I am back on track to start creating in a way I hadn't thought I would but I am excited by the prospect of it. Most of you that have been reading for a while, would know about Bella and the Boys. If not, you can go here and see what I am talking about - click here. I decided after posting that that I wanted to do something with the stories of these little characters that brighten my day by the imagination of me and my husband Andy. There are always new stories every day, a lot of which I don't post but there have been some that I have, like the famous tissue box car accident that Cookie and Grovie had, which you can read about here.

So what I have decided to do is instead of having a website of them, which I did do for a bit and then deleted a few days ago, is to create their stories in a graphic novel/zine kind of way. My dad was supposed to illustrate for me, but he is too busy and I really do want to own the stories myself. I can draw. I have said that I can't but I just have trouble doing my own stuff. If you give me a drawing someone else has done, I can copy it pretty well. I am really good at that actually. So I figure I probably can draw but I just need help doing so. I am going to try and get into the Brisbane Institute of Art to do a drawing course, but unfortuantely their semester started last week. I am going to see if I can get in for the semester after that or in somewhere else, maybe a TAFE college for a short course, I'm not sure, I am looking into it. I did art at school for five years but I just couldn't come up with my own stuff because of the problem with copying what is in my head on my paper. So in light of this, I have decided to try something different. I have taken some photographs of Bella at several different angles and I figure that a photograph would be good because I could try and 'copy' it. I bought an art diary and a new pencil case that I have all my art pencils in and I am just going to practice. I got a few other new things though, that I am excited about. So here they are, in no particular order.

I was going to go pink or purple, but I always do that, so why not blue

My owl pencil case. I love owls at the moment in cardmaking, so I love this too

Side one of my awesome new bag

Side two of my awesome new bag

My new water bottle for work. I need to keep hydrated with the lithium

My new phone case.

I like the phone case because it's purple and it covers the screen. One thing I have really wanted actually because I am so scared of smashing the screen. This one is covered when the top flap is down and it makes me feel better about the phone itself and all the crap I have gone through to get it working right.

I am feeling better too. I slept until 8:30 this morning, which I never do. I must have needed it. I woke up and I was shocked at the time. We have normally done our grocery shopping by that time and I am ready to go over for a coffee. I have had an awesome day. Now I am going to catch up on your blogs. I have missed you all so much!

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, July 23, 2010

iPhone regrets

I wish I could go back a week and stop myself from buying my iPhone. Let me explain! My home phone, home Internet and mobile phone carriers are all different. I didn't think it would matter. It does! I can only send email from home with my WiFi if my outgoing mail is my home Internet carrier is in the outgoing mail server section in my settings but if I am not at home, I have to change the outgoing mail server to my mobile carrier. Don't get me started on the password for the home WiFi. To top it off I downloaded a ringtone but must have hit the wrong button and lost it but got charged for it. I am so cranky with all this. Plus I'm lithium toxic. I feel like shit. Everything really sucks right now!

*hugs*
Sarah

P.S. I now have a cold too :-(

Thursday, July 22, 2010

work and no play

I'm exhausted. I have been up since 4:30am. I have to get up tomorrow at 4:30am. I worked from 7:30am until 5pm and it will be the same tomorrow. I will go to bed very soon. I want to say thank you for your comments today. I was so nervous this morning about going to work, knowing that I had fucked up yesterday by leaving early on the busiest day of the week and of the last couple of weeks. I went early to pay penance in a way and I took goodies (food treats to say sorry). My boss had his say, he just said he wouldn't have said yes I could go if he knew it was as early as I went. That was it but it was in a, you won't be doing that again kind of way. I said I was sorry and he was good. I worked hard all day and at the end he asked if I could come in again at the same time tomorrow. I wanted to say no, but I couldn't because I still felt like I didn't do enough to make up for it all. I even apologised to the other staff. It's all fine. I feel okay now and in a way, getting over tomorrow will be good. Not looking forward to the 4:30am start but glad to get it over and done with. I am sorry I have still not done any commenting. I have just not been able to with my work hours lately. Even haven't had the time to put blogs on my iphone. Which is all working fine by the way. Okay, off to sleep.

*hugs*
Sarah

Emotions

I'm not sure where to start here. I don't know whether it's coming off the pill or not but yesterday because of leaving work early and feeling like I have let everyone down, I wanted to self harm really badly. I rang Andy and told him and I felt better. This morning again I am having those thoughts and I so badly want to act on them but I won't. It's just the anxiety of facing the others. I feel bad!

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I'm losing my voice

What a day! It was the most important day at the uni I work at today (which I didn't realise and took the afternoon off to fix my iphone and then felt really bad). I am starting really early tomorrow anyway but I am losing my voice. I hope it comes back by tomorrow, if not I won't be able to help with the students as much or answer the phone. I've noticed I had a bit of sore throat for a few days but tonight I have been actually losing my voice and it's very sore. I have been curled up reading issue one of The Green Bean created by the lovely Katie.

The problem with the iphone was that I couldn't connect to any WiFi networks that had passwords but it was mine at home I really wanted to connect to. I spoke to my service provider for an hour on saturday, the day I got the phone. They couldn't help. Then I tried again on sunday and spoke to the apple specialists but they couldn't help. I rang apple and had to make an appointment to see a "genius" yes sad but true and that was this afternoon that I left early for. The other thing it was doing was not responding sometimes when I touched the screen, which was very frustrating and this morning it wouldn't let me send an email to my work email address. I got upset, not yelling, but a little frustrated and crying when the network there worked on it. He ended up giving me a whole new phone.

I was hopeful. The screen responded much better. I had all my stuff backed up on iTunes thankfully and came home and same damn problem. So I rang my internet provider and he said that my phone is looking for the password of the router, not the password of the account. If only I could find it. So I rang apple care and we went through so many different numbers it wasn't funny that was on my computer. She asked me to hold as she had one more idea and she came back and we tried another thing and it worked. OH MY GOD, I yelled woohoo (probably why I lost my voice) and said she was the most awesome person I had spoken to all day. I am now connected to my own network at home and I have saved the password, one of the hardest passwords ever! I am happy, though I can't talk and I'm happily reading Katie's gorgeous zines. Now I am just waiting for Sarah's artwork to arrive, very excited.

I haven't been able to read any blogs. I am really really trying to catch up but have been finding it hard. I couldn't concentrate this morning and tonight I've been on the phone for ages trying to sort this out. I will promise to catch up soon.

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A post for Katie

This is a very quick post. I have had headaches for several days now, so don't really feel like talking. I was so happy though to get something very special in the post from Katie at Green Bean Studio as I was one of the lucky winners of her giveaway of a gorgeous art print. So when I got home Andy took a photo me and Ziggy with it. So thank you thank you thank you Katie, you are awesome.

I love it and will get it framed and put it up in my study

So I am now eagerly awaiting the arrival of the first three Green Bean Zines. I hope they come sometime this week, that would be awesome to sit and drool over them on the train, lol. 

In other news, I think my iPhone is faulty. I have to go see a tech tomorrow afternoon, as it won't connect to any WiFi network that has a password. Not too happy about that but hey, it could be worse. Sorry I haven't been reading or commenting but I'm having medication problems, so have been sleeping a lot and having lots of trouble waking up, even in the mornings. This morning I didn't get to work until 9:40am because when I first got up, I was so drugged out I couldn't stand up and my knees kept giving way. This always happens when I have a med change. I had an extra lithium added last week. I ended up just having to go back to sleep until I got to a point where I could wake up. I emailed work really early to say I'd be late and they knew why, so they were fine.

This was meant to be quick, so I am off. I will try and catch up in the morning. I'm not taking valium tonight, which is what I did last night, so hopefully that will stop the drowsiness.

Once again Katie, thanks! I love your print :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, July 18, 2010

my body

I wish I could go to bed already, because I am so tired tonight. I stopped taking the contraceptive pill to have a break from it and oh boy, I want to punch things and yell and scream and just ugh! I rang my mum who is a nurse and asked her if going off them could cause mood swings and she said yes. I have been on them for over three years now and I thought my body could do with a break. I am not looking forward to the change but I think it's good now and then to let your body do and let nature take it's course.

In other news I am still doing the whole, my body is gorgeous thing. I am liking my body more and more right now and it's a nice place to be. Even if I have had an emotional day, I am looking forward to tomorrow for no reason inparticular. I am mad about one thing though. I am trying to get a new ringtone for my new iphone and I spent money on a site that doesn't support iphone, but let me pick iphone and then I couldn't download anything. This really pisses me off. So I emailed them and asked them why they do this if it's not possible. I have been trying to make one of my own songs as a ringtone that is in my ipod section but can't figure it out or work it out. Annoying. If I wasn't so tired, I would tell you more interesting stuff, but alas, I am going to drop off to sleep with my head slamming against the keyboard soon if I don't. Sorry for the lack of comments from me today, but I have been trying to figure out iphone issues. I'm used to a blackberry and oh boy, are they different.

So anyway, here's to loving our bodies, not matter what they look like. I love you body, you are awesome and you do millions of things I never even notice, all the time. I have taken you for granted and I have hurt you and for that I am truly sorry. From now body, I will treat you better. I will love you and feed you and give you rest when you need it. OH and body, when it's cold I'll keep you warm. I'll even give you a gorgeous plush friend to snuggle with and I'll make sure I put the right socks on so you can keep warm in winter. I know we get cold feet. I don't blame you for making me shiver. I am so proud of you body, that you get five stars in the awesomeness competition that I didn't tell you about. I didn't tell you because I wanted you to win hands down and guess what, you did. So now my awesome body, I'll let you rest. I know your eyes are tired and you are yawning, so let's go snuggle together and sleep some and tomorrow we can sit here and have tea and then off to work we go. Sleep well body, I want to always love you and I think I can now. Goonight :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, July 17, 2010

my life is looking brighter

I stood in front of the mirror just before, looking at my cellulite and thought to myself, why worry. No one sees it and hey, your body is getting older, these things happen. I felt so proud of myself and I have had such a good day. When I had my higher weigh-in this morning I thought to myself. Well, you have two options. You can freak out and restrict and go on a whole back forth of being thinner then bigger and being unhappy forever, or you can think about the real reason for these mini relapses. Emotional problems. I have realised that pretty much all of my relapses happen because of some emotional issue at home or work that I don't know how to deal with at the time and I choose food and weight and calories in order to make me feel better. It doesn't work obviously or I wouldn't be here over and over complaining about it. I am going to try so hard to not do this anymore. It gets me nowhere and who cares a couple of kilos. Big whoop.

So I set out early this morning in anticipation of buying my iPhone. I decided to not wait until Australia had the new one but to instead go for an older model that I know I will be happy with. It was way cool to see my blog on the screen, so I had to take a photo.

I like the phone a lot and I have had fun today mostly. Though there are still things I need to work out. I am a gadget freak but this one has me stumped with a few things. I have only had it since 9am though and not even close to 12 hours. There were a few glitches when the kid that sold me the phone told me some incorrect info which took a while to clear up. I am now so happy that I got this phone. It is way better than my blackberry web-wise.

The other thing I have done today is gotten half of the card finished for my boss at work for Monday. It is looking really good so far and tomorrow I am going to cut the number "30" in purple with a orange shadow. For that you will have to wait and see what I mean when I post the card up here on this site and on my creative blog.

I am going to try really hard to live moment to moment. Let my life be truly happy and to love every moment, even when it is not perfect. Love the creativity and the ability to make your bosses like you at work, even when you are being silly. Here's to a life that is being really lived and a life that will not be looked back on and think to myself, gee, I really shouldn't have gotten so caught up in that stuff.

No more. I am really going to dedicate myself to happiness. To creativity. To love. There will be bumps and there will be times I will feel like I am eating these words. So fuck you ED. You are no more. You are just a little pimple on the horizon of a life that will never let go of how wonderful nature is. How beautiful the world is, even when it's struggling and how much it wants to yell out and say that Sarah is free. She is finally there. She made it and she loves it and loves passionfruit and white chocolate scones, which she has every Saturday and Sunday morning with a coffee. She is looking forward to tomorrow's one. The time spent browsing the shops and the time spent relaxing and just being myself. I think the ED is almost gone. I don't ever hear the voice anymore. I just have moments of adjustment in my new body. The body that is living well because it can think and it can dream and it can hope and be whatever it wants to be. I am loved and I finally know this.

*hugs*
Sarah


Excitement

I am so excited right now, as in three hours time I will be going to get my new iPhone. I have never had an iPhone before, as I have had a BlackBerry but I'm finding the screen a bit small because I used the net a lot on it. I think I'll be spending the next few days figuring it out and working out how to use it. I have never had touch screen before, so we'll see how that goes.

At home things are okay. Andy has his ups and downs and I am doing okay. I am planning at lease one card to make for Julie, one of my bosses. She is lovely and so I made her a card for her birthday on Thursday but we decided at work that we would change the colours and design a bit. I'll put the card in so you see what I mean.


Instead of the reds, I will do purple and orange instead and instead of the "Just For You" I will cut out an purple 30 (she's actually 40 but we are doing it as a joke) on my cricut die cutting machine. The ladybug should look a little better on the orange and purple as it won't look lost so much.

I am looking forward to my day. I am okay with my ED today and I even weighed in at a higher amount than I thought and I went, so what. Who cares. Not me right now. I have more important things to do, like iPhone shopping and participating in life.

Once again thank you for the readiing and commenting. You don't know how much it means to me :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

 
There is a lot of sunshine in my life right now.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Eggs and all

I'm glad I didn't post the blog post I started when I came home. I was feeling down in the dumps and horrible. I forced myself to have something to eat and to have a relax and I had a nice hot shower. I am really going to get into trying to make myself feel a little better by self soothing and using other DBT strategies. Work today was hard. I saw Dr M this morning before work and just cried my eyes out. It didn't get much better when I got to work and burst into tears again and had to end up telling my bosses about Andy's depression and how much it is effecting me. They were both absolutely awesome. I am so happy I told them. They had guessed there was something wrong but didn't know what it was. They let me go early too because after all the crying, I just struggled to keep going. I got really tired just after three-thirty and left just after that.

When I got home I was still feeling down but after some scrambled eggs and toast (we couldn't be bothered cooking), blow drying my cold wet hair. I am now feeling really good. I am still very tired. I am going to try and not get up so early over the next little while. I normally get up around 5am, but lately have been getting up at 4:30am so I could blog more. I know that isn't the most intelligent idea I've ever had but hey, at least I figure it out now and not in two weeks time when I've run myself into the ground. I am going to go to bed early and I am hoping to get a lift to work tomorrow. If so, I can get up at 5:30 or 6:00. That would be awesome. If not, 5am it is. See I like to get up slowly with a cup of tea. If not, I get grumpy.

I am so so excited too as I bought Katie's first three zines from Green Bean Studio. You should seriously check out her work, I so wish I could draw. I am very excited about the arrival of them over the next little while. I am in Australia, so I will have to wait for postage but I am all pumped and excited and hoping to do some creating of my own card-wise on the weekend. I know I have said this for how many weekends in a row, but this time I really do want to try. I would like to do some heat embossed book marks. I keep buying books lately and starting them and then not finishing them and moving to the next one. So I need more book marks. Plus it is Julie (one of my bosses) birthday on Tuesday. I was going to volunteer to make her card but I decided not to in case I am not up to it. I may just make her a happy birthday sign for her desk and cut her name out on my cricut in fancy writing.

I am really focusing on my goals. I want to be much more creative but I know I can't force it. That is one way to resent it straight away. I think I have to focus on the little things. Like being warm in bed and having hot chocolate and just watching nature. I get such a kick out watching animals, birds and sometimes even insects going about their every day lives. One of the funniest things I have seen recently was a camouflaged Curlew bird racing across the car park of our shopping centre because there was a young guy pushing shopping trolleys around. These birds live in a garden of the shopping centre and they are quite enormous. It was hilarious.

Positive from home: having yummy eggs; buying Green Bean Zine's; being snug and warm and comfy and knowing I will be snuggling with Bella and the Boys soon.
Positive from work: having awesome bosses who understand and are very supportive that were so so kind to me today.
Positive out in the world: I had a white chocolate and marshmallow muffin with a really yummy latte this morning as a treat after my crying session with my psychiatrist.
Song of the day: there are actually two by Kate Miller-Heidke from her first album, Ducks Don't Need Satellites and Thanks For Today.

*hugs*
Sarah

Wish I could draw though!

journalling

One of the new things I am going to start today, that I have found helps, is journalling. I have that beautiful book that I got that I have only used once and I was so embarrassed by my own writing that I glued the first two pages together so no one would notice. Funny that I am the only person reading it.


Those of you that were here when I posted this back in April, may know that at the time I was supposed to be using this to write whatever I wanted to get my feelings out. I never did use it apart from that day where I stuffed up writing in it. I just have to remember that no matter how beautiful the book is. It's okay if it's messy inside. That made me think when I just wrote that, that in a way, I'm kinda messy inside at the moment. I don't mean that in a bad way. It's just that I have a jumble of things rattling around in this brain of mine.

I think over the next few weeks I am going to slowly re-introduce the mindfulness skills. I won't do it all at once. I think right now I will keep up with the fire drill for coping from my last post and also bearing in my goals that are listed in the same post. I might even try and come up with some new goals, because my priorities have now shifted somewhat. I will have to make up a new card for that one. Yay, creativity. OH a prositive, yay again.

*hugs*
Sarah


Tuesday, July 13, 2010

turning it around

Okay... enough of the self pity and worry. I am healthy and I have Andy. I need to follow some advice here and think about some of the things that Cecily (old psychologist) asked me to do when I felt this way. So I am going to go back to that.


Right now, this is the most important one. Let me explain why. Music, can self soothe, which is what I haven't been doing of late. I have been ignoring all those things that I spent months learning and have just given in to the way I feel, without trying to change the way I think by doing what works. Music! I know what music not to listen to. You know the stuff, the music that makes you feel worse, or makes you want to act a negative way. The mindfulness of the breath or another one I liked, leaves on a stream, I did find helpful in the moment. For the mindfulness of the breath, you are just putting out of your mind all those thoughts that aren't helping. When they pop back in, push them away, over and over and over and come back to your breath and how that feels. Eventually I find that I do relax and with the mindfulness CD I have on my ipod, I have no excuse not to try this because I have it at home and when I am out and about. For the leaves on a stream, you imagine you are sitting next to a beautiful stream and there are leaves floating down the stream. You imagine yourself putting the thoughts in your head on the leaves and watching the leaves float away. As with the mindfulness of the breath, you are pushing away the thoughts by placing them on the leaves. Once when I was stressed in my old job, I put my bosses head on the leaf over and over and oh my gosh that felt good and I did relax, he he. 

Self hypnosis (5 things), you need to say out loud five things you can see, hear, smell and touch. It basically just forces you to look around in your environment and stops you thinking about whatever it was you were thinking about that made you feel bad. Of course, the last thing to always remember, is that it will pass. You will not feel awful in exactly the same way forever. Your moods will ebb and flow. They will change in intensity and they will change as you go about your every day life. I am making the choice to try and go back to these skills. They work when I use them. I know they do. It's just I don't have a psychologist around reminding me over and over to do my DBT skills. So I also need to remind myself of my goals. 


I need to keep these goals in mind, because they are really really important. There is one thing I am going to try and add to my posts and I can't guarantee that I will always be in a positive frame of mind all the time, it just doesn't work like that. You change as your day changes. I will give you three positives of the day.

Positive from home: Andy and I had Chinese food for dinner and watched south park and had a chuckle at the jokes
Positive from work: I got a lot of work done today and helped a lot of students. I felt really good when they thanked me for helping them and I also answered over 100 emails. One of my bosses let me go early because I started early, so I was home early. Okay, so that is more than one :-)
Positive out in the world: I must admit this one is hard because it made me think about the day. I remember when I was walking home after I got off the train, I saw a girl walking her dog and she smiled at me. Her smile was genuine and it made me smile back with sincerity.

*hugs*
Sarah

a new day and a missed birthday

Firstly, hey over there my new followers. Thanks for reading. Glad you could just me. I am feeling much better today about my situation. Andy is going to see his GP today to talk about going onto Anti-depressants again. I am so glad he is doing this. Last night I got so upset with my feeling really depressed and his crankiness and anger, that I went to bed at 7:30 just so I wouldn't have to be awake. Yesterday after eating two small pieces of caked and 4 marshmallows, I purged. All yes I know are maladaptive coping mechanisms, if I have to go back to my psychologist's terms.

I know in the long run it will only make things worse, but I was so mad at myself for eating them in the first place. I did still eat all my dinner though, but I was contemplating throwing half of it out but then thought to myself, what will that prove, it will only make me really hungry today, which in turn will make me eat more than I am comfortable with today. I am also doing body checks again. I checked my tummy this morning and I was surprised that it didn't look at bad as yesterday, it looked the same as it used to.You'll be happy to know that I am seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow. So hopefully things will be a bit better after I see him.

Oh and I still forgot, my blog turned one on Sunday. Poor blog, I totally forgot. Happy birthday Sarah's blog. I can't believe I have been blogging for a year. I remember those first few months, when all it was was really bad stuff about wanting anorexia again. Don't worry, I am not using the term. I was such a freaking mess. I so wish I could say that I was recovered by now, but I know that recovery is much more complex than that. There are so many variables that it's harder to assess where you are at any given time. You may purge once because of a stressful situation, like I did yesterday or it might be habit, something that you just do automatically without thinking and your left leaning over the toilet bowl afterwards thinking what the fuck was that?

When I come back to Cecily (my old psychologist) I try and think about what she would say. I think she would say I am at risk or not completely safe because there are thoughts of self harm in my head. She would tell me to use my DBT skills. Part of me says fuck the DBT skills I feel too bad to use them and then I think duh, maybe they will help me feel better. I don't know about you all but I often feel that buying things will make me feel better but then the rush only lasts say for 30 minutes and you're left there again thinking what now. Sometimes I want to just buy something for the sake of buying it. I don't actually care if I have it or anything, it's just that I really want it right now.

It's the same deal with self harm. You do it, you feel better for a bit, but then you feel guilty that you did it as it upsets everyone and you are left with another permanent scar. The only thing I find hard there is that I find my new scars enticing. Isn't that dumb. I look at them and go, wow, look at you new scar, you're nice and pink and although I will be embarrassed when people at work finally do so my arms in summer, I like my scar. Then I think how fucked in the head are you. I do remember when I self harmed years ago, before I stopped for three years and now have stopped again, hey it doesn't stop me thinking about it. That I was so proud of my scars. They were like my own little trophy's and since no one else was going to give me a trophy, why not me. It was also like my own little brag book on my body. Look what I can do and I bet you couldn't stand the pain.

I am not saying I will self harm. It hurt Andy so much last time. I just think about it a lot since I broke my three year promise. Since I broke the promise to Andy that I would never do that, it seems like self harm is only a step away. I am strong, I won't do this, I can't do this because it would hurt Andy and it's maladaptive meaning that if I did it it would only start the cycle of it again. I don't want that. Let me go six years or for the rest of my life.Okay, I am babbling now. I will refrain from any more crap that is spilling out of my mouth. Be safe and happy everyone. I'm off to catch up on your blogs.

*hugs*
Sarah

I can't seem to focus on anything

Monday, July 12, 2010

what I don't like

You know that back and forth you do when you are having issues with something? I hate that. I seem to be doing this with a number of different emotions, like depression and sadness and anxiety. I feel like I wake up optimistic that I will feel okay and then as the day wears on, it starts to slide the other way. Sometimes it's the opposite, start bad and get more positive. I am just really not liking this right now. I feel like I need reassurance all the time that everything will be fine. I just don't like owning that part of me.

The other part that I find frustrating is my creativity goes out the window when I'm like this. For example, yesterday I did a scrapbook page and posted it on one of my creative blogs. I went back and read it later and it made no sense. It was just mix of words that didn't make a story and I swear to you it made sense at the time. I had to delete the post. It is so hard for me when things like that happen as I worry about psychosis. I am worried right now about being depressed and I want to cry that I am getting depressed again. I have thoughts of self harm but doing it in weird places so that Andy will never find out. Overwhelming thoughts. I am sleeping a lot. More than usual and I feel so much like shit. Andy really has his own problems and big ones himself right now that he doesn't need me to do/or think about doing any of this. I have no clue why I am feeling this way. No one at work has upset me, if anything they are all too nice. Which then makes me feel worse. I just want to be rid of this.

*hugs*
Sarah

Can I just be a cat?

Sunday, July 11, 2010

For the record

It may seem like I need to give myself a break. Why? I don't think I am good enough for that much right now and part of that I can't explain to you. If I did I'd seem even more fucked up than I am and my fear of this blog being found right now, or should I say the content that relates to the problem, if I were to say what it is, could get me into more trouble than it's worth. I am sorry I can't explain but it is job related and a job I really don't want to lose. I am anxious with good reason, not just not knowing stuff. So I will just shut up. Maybe it's better that way anyway!

I really want to...

I really want to live for today, like I said in my last post. But I am suspecting that all of these issues over the last week or two, are related to anxiety and depression. The anxiety comes from working in a new job where I am still learning. I am so fortunate to have to most awesome manager who is kind and caring but I worry that I have pushed to far by having days off work. Then I see that others are having days off too and they aren't getting into trouble. I feel depressed and down and if I am honest, everytime the phone rings my heart leaps, oh no, is this another question I can't answer. I get scared that I am not good enough. I have to remind myself I have only been there seven weeks. It still make me feel bad.

I am having thoughts of just feeling plain down. I couldn't create today because I just wasn't up to it. I don't like my creations at all this weekend. I have still posted my cards on my other blog, but I don't like them. I tried making bookmarks before and they sucked and I threw them out. I have slept a lot and I have avoided my psychiatrist. The latter is the key. When I am doing that, there is a real problem that I don't want to look at. The eating disorder has just come back because it feels like the only thing I can control right now. I'm sad and scared. I don't want to feel like this. I worry that it will impact on my job and I will lose the only permanent job I have had in 10 years. Plus it's a job I love. I would hate to lose it. I feel so damn useless and just like a nothing. I hate depression so much.

*hugs*
Sarah

Live for today

I am feeling okay today, no headache, which is always a good thing. I want to try and make real effort today to ignore that eating disorder voice in my head that prevents me from fulfilling the kind of life that I want to live. You want to know the really really sad thing. The difference for me when I am in the really bad ED mode lately and what I think my body size should be, is only 4kg. Isn't that utterly ridiculous? Why should I care about such a number. I wish there was a manual switch I could flip in my brain to turn it off and not worry about that at all. Get a grip Sarah, that is nothing really. So my plan is just to keep sticking to the meal plan and just keep on going.

Today I want to try and be as crafty as possible. If I manage it, then I will post the results. I am going to post here though two new stamps I got. I did make a card a made yesterday but I am not happy with it.  The stamp of the mouse could be used for get well cards or for birthdays of people that are notorious for getting drunk when they party. I like the the first part of the other stamp there though "Live for Today".
 


Today I will be living for today and I might do some planning for tomorrow. I am just going to focus on the positives. There is one thing more in the whole world I want though and that is I want to be happy. I won't find that going down the road I have travelled the last few days. So let me live for today and then aim to soar along the wings of freedom, to finally be free!

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, July 10, 2010

so how is that eating going

I'm standing at the kitchen counter downstairs and there is cheese there - Brie - and I want it. I know it tastes really good. But I can't do it. I am standing there, just staring at the cheese. I open the bag of sultanas and have a few of them instead. It's seems so hard right now. I am having one good day and one bad day or a mix in between the both. This morning I had a scone, but a weird passionfruit and white chocolate one, that is actually really really nice. I kept telling myself to stop eating it. I tried but I couldn't/didn't. So instead I threw out half of my latte because I didn't deserve the rest. I have lost a bit of weight over the week and I was so happy that I had but disappointed that it wasn't more. I'm not sure what to do with how I feel. I am keeping it all to myself. I told Andy I bought a calorie counting book the other day and he said he was going to take it off me but he forgot, so I didn't remind him. I have put it out of sight anyway and am not carrying it around with me. I am finding the fight with the eating disorder right now quite difficult. I think it's because I feel so torn about how I feel about it. On the one hand, I really really want to ignore it, but on the other hand my brain feels like it's not responding to me. When I say, yes you can have that, my brain says, no you can't you can have a few sultanas instead. I am finding ways to cut the calories down, though I haven't skipped any meals, I am not eating as much. The thing I hate the most is that I don't like myself much right now. I remember that my watch has become a bit tight. I love this watch but I do have small wrists and it really shits me off that the watch is tighter than it was. I hate that! It's not adjustable, in the sense that I would have to have links put in that would make it too big. This is all just so damn frustrating. I hate my body right now!

and it does feel like failure

feeling - not so great!

Although I feel not the best today. I still have the headache (not from hitting my head) but just the headache and I just don't know what to do with myself. I want to be creative and I do have an idea of the type of creative. I'm working up to it lets say. I have decided that I am going make cards to take to work and sell and so I want to start to think about things like Christmas cards. I do have a design that I made last year that I think will work really well. They are easy to make and people seem to love them because of they are effective.

This is bascially the design. It looks like the top edge is torn, gut it's not, it's cut out like this on my cricut (die cutting machine). The tree also has a tree under it that is connected to the cream and joins into the sides and then the top tree is cut out in green. The border is cut out too and and placed down then the green is placed over the top. After this has been done, I have used a fine glitter glue to look like tinsel and colour the star in. I a have also inked around the edges to give definition. I have then gotten a piece of clear acetate and put it behind the cut out part next the three and the tree itself and then coloured that in with a permanent red brush marker. 

I am not sure if I change them this year and if so how much. Or if I am just going to do something completed different. I like these though and they are actually really quick and easy using the cricut. If you are confused, here is what the cricut looks like.

I have used mine for a bit but am looking forward to using it. I could also just buy some Christmas stamps and make some cards that way too. I'll do what comes to mind and what feels right at the time.

*hugs*
Sarah

Another of my designs to leave you with

Friday, July 9, 2010

Ouchies

My poor head still hurts from the bashing it had. Word of advice to Sarah, don't try and straighten your jeans hem in the small bathroom cubicule because the toilet roll holder is in the way and it will hurt all day afterwards.

In defiance

What a morning it's been. I have come home from work early as I hit my head on, of all things, the toilet roll holder when I was trying to fix the hem of my jeans. I have a nice little bump and a lovely headache to go with it. But that's not the reason I am writing this. I had a long time to think while I was waiting for the train and then getting on the train home and I think part of the reason I just couldn't stay at work, despite my headache, was that I got overly emotional about everything all at once and started to cry. I thought about how my ED has been over the last few days and it always seems to be in response to something or a change or whatever. There is one thing I have decided to do and that is to try really hard to ignore the ED thoughts. I will not restrict because I think my body isn't the way it should be. Does that scare me, hell yeah. But I also can't fight nature. I don't want to stop enjoying life because of the fear of being too heavy. I can't imagine being too heavy because I am sensitive to that anyway. I want to live. I don't want to be running away all the time and not doing stuff because food is involved or lie and say I am not hungry even though I'm starving.

So life, you better watch out, because there is someone here that has been quiet too long and wants you in her life. She wants to stamp with her new stamps and make cards. She wants to digital scrapbook because it's fun and she wants to take photos and muck around with Bella and the Boys. Oh and a brief note on that, my dad and I are turning Bella and the Boys into cartoon characters. My dad is an awesome cartoonist and I am going to write books about them. My dad has read their stories now and thinks it's a good idea. I love this because it would be awesome working with my dad. Oh and I have more pages I want to do for their digital scrapbook album too. So lets be creative and not scared and ready to run. Life is so much better when you enjoy it.

*hugs*
Sarah

 The sky is the limit!

Getting back to what works

Thanks to all you lovely people out there reading and commenting. I have new stuff. Ohhhh, exciting. I have had so much trouble lately concentrating on craft stuff but I have decided that is something I am going to need to do again. Yesterday I received two orders that I have been waiting for and I am pretty excited about having a go at, especially with my new stamps. Might even get the heat embossing gun out and try some heat embossing. I do have a card class on sunday, so I am looking forward to that too. Here are the things I got.

This is the whole lot all together

The different lots of cardstock

Sponges, cling stamps, a paper distresser and another blade for my cutter

Two gorgeous stamp sets. Seeing Spots (great for backgrounds) and Lovely as a Tree, which I have used and loved before.

Sarah must think positive. She must think of all this stuff that she can play with. That she has a card class with some lovely people on sunday and that it will all be okay. That taking a breath is okay when she feels stressed and that no one can know everything in a new job after only seven weeks and that I am doing well and don't hesitate to answer the phone. I will be okay. I just need to remind myself of that. I think the problems with Andy worry me because I feel helpless. I can't do anything but listen to his ranting and raving where I can't get in a word. I hope he will be okay too! I worry about him when he gets like this. I'm not sure what is happening so I am not sure what I will do. Andy has no idea now what he wants to do. I thought it was sorted out but it's not. This could go one for a while, like in his last job. Maybe going out on sunday is a good thing to give him time to settle and me away from the negativity here.

*hugs*
Sarah

 So all I need now is a cat and one that won't sit on my craft stuff. Though cats do those things :-)