Tuesday, August 31, 2010

suddenly very aware

I am suddenly very  aware that my eating disorder thoughts have creapt in but with an intensity I haven't seen in a long time. I have been weighing myself every day and I am anxious if I don't weigh myself. My thoughts are on frood all the time, even before I finish one meal, I am thinking about the next. I have changed my diet to what my first dietitian gave me about 4 years ago and I have cut out nearly all junk food, I only have a mint pattie and a mini twirl bar that you would consider junk, a day. I have obsessive thoughts about my body and my bones and I know I have had a major slip. Thing is the eating disorder has me so hard, that part of me is too scared to change it because I will get fat. My weigh had gone up and up and up and it's now going down. I just wish I was at my old normal weight and I guess that's what I am trying to do. I know this is bad but I don't think I can stop it right now. I feel like I will have dissappointed everyone because I am meant to be strong. I am meant to be able to stop this stuff from happening. This may seem like it's come out of the blue too, but it hasn't, I've been fighting it for a few weeks but haven't said anything in case I looked like a failure. I don't feel sad, don't get me wrong, I am actually feeling okay, it's just that the eating disorder thoughts are strong. I am still feeling like myself, but it's just like, oh yeah, that's back. I think what triggered it was the number on the scales and then I got to terrified that it would keep going up so I had to take control of it. I don't know what I will do or what will happen. I don't cherish the idea of having to keep a check on my weight all the time but part of me feels like I do need to or I go out of control and eat every bit of junk food I can't get my hands on. It's either all or nothing with me. It's black and white and there are no colours in between. It's so borderline of me it's not funny. I don't konw what to do really. I know what I want to do but what I want to do and what I should do are two very different things. I am hoping with all the zines I have bought of Etsy start arriving soon which will push me to be creative and that will help.

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, August 29, 2010

anxiety attack

Don't you hate anxiety attacks that happen for no reason when you are out in public. Today I had my card class and there were two new people there and all of a sudden I just wanted to get out. I didn't have any of my meds with me as I had a different bag and it felt awful. I told Jan, the lady that teaches the class and I did settle while I made the rest of the cards. I was the first one finished and then the anxiety came back. In the end I had to leave and catch a taxi home as I had come with Jan and she had to wait for the others to finish their cards before she could leave. I am feeling fine now, of course and I am happy with my cards I made. I thought I'd put them in here for you all to have a look.

This was the first card I finished and I like the ribbon at the side, it looks like a bow when it is on its side.

This was the second card I made. I don't like the colours so much but I think they are good colours for male cards. Though I know some males don't like these colours. I would give this to my dad for example.

I like this card too. I like the colour of the card and am bummed out that green colour is not going to be made anymore. Bummer!

I love love love this card, because it folds out like a Z, see below.

This was fun to make and I love the horses. 

Soon Andy and I are going to take our cameras out to take some photos. You know never know, I may end up with some shots on my creative blog a bit later on depending on what I find. I hope you are all having a good Sunday.

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, August 28, 2010

looking forward to more living

Tomorrow I have a card making class. I am really looking forward to it actually. At first I didn't want to go, but now I am glad that I am going. It's weird because today feels like sunday because I had yesterday off sick. I feel like I should be going to work tomorrow. Card making starts at 8:30am when I get picked up. This may sound early but I usually get up at 5am, so that will feel late.

Today has been a pretty good day. I went to coffee this morning and I had a little browse around the shops. I did get some new shorts that I like and some funky pj pants.

My groovie new shorts. They are a really nice darker blue.

I really like the belt that comes with them.

These are 3/4 length PJ pants with cats on them. They are really comfy.

These are the same as the other PJ pants but with birds and owls on them. I love both pairs. They were only $12 each. So I was happy with that. 

With my tax, which I still have some of, it's been nice to replace things that are old and get new work clothes. I am really looking forward to wearing my new skirts from the other day. I went to wear a skirt yesterday before I got sick and I didn't have a jumper that would go with them. I ended up getting one of those yesterday when I took some pants back that were too big and swapped them for a jumper that was short enough and warm enough to wear with skirts. I want to look really good at work and I am trying to change my attitude so that I am a fully functioning member of the team that wants to be there and I do want to be there. I am loving learning all the new stuff I have learned and I feel welcomed by all the other members of the team. I am trying not to let my worry about others liking me get in the way and I have forced myself to not worry about this lately and it is paying off. I think it's because I am changing how I deal with things and I don't let things get to me if I think it means something else (in a bad way) when it really doesn't but it's just my skewed perception. 

I am loving the new lease on life I have and how I am enjoying my days wherever I am. I think I am finally on the right medication and that is awesome. My psychiatrist reduced my seroquel and now I am only on 600mg instead of 800mg. I am finding it such a bit difference but the big one that helps the most is the zyprexa. It has change my psychotic like thinking to more normal thought processes and I notice the difference. No more voices. I feel more normal and happy.

I am finding that I meeting some goals, including getting my zine finished and putting it up on Etsy. It's been really awesome buying all the zines I have bought lately and this week they should all start to arrive. I love that. I am totally addicted to zines, that is writing them and reading other poeples zines.

I want to reach for the stars and climb mountains in a non-manic way. I love this!

*hugs*
Sarah


Friday, August 27, 2010

the zine is here

Today was a good day and a shitty day all rolled into one. I got up and got ready for work and caught the train. Part way to the city I started to get a horrible headache, to the point that made me almost cry. I still have it but not as bad. I first of all tried to take something for it but it didn't. I had two choices. I could go to work and get sent home, which I think can piss people off because you know you aren't well and you go anyway. The thing was I almost made it to four weeks with no sick leave and this was pushing me but I listened to my body and went home. I tried to sleep but couldn't. I was at a loose end and didn't know what to do. I also had some neck pain connected to it and I just felt shitty.

In the end I decided that in a way the day off was a blessing in disguise. I hoped in a taxi and went to my nearest officeworks and just sat in a chair while my zine printed. It was a lot more than I had planned on spending because a lot of the photos were colour, however it was still tax money and I enjoyed making it. I bought a long armed stapler and then hoped into a taxi home. I got home and I crashed and slept for about three hours. I am glad I made the zine, but wish the sitting had helped with my head. I hope I don't have it tomorrow or sunday and I also hope this is not a four day headache. That is why I stayed home. I was trying to prevent the four day headache thing.

To those of you who commented about the poetry and short story book in my last post, you can't get them anymore, sorry to disappoint. These books were made using grants and donations and were printed in small numbers and distributed for free for people in Brisbane. I got the first one that was made by people in the hospital I was admitted to a few times and I picket it up at a mental health place I used to go to. The second one has some of my stories in it and distributed to people going to another mental health place in 2004. I don't think this one is in print anymore either.

To my zine. It did take a while to print and I learnt some lessons along the way. Limit colour printing because it is seriously expensive. Take water or food because it does take a while to print. I got officeworks to photocopy the covers because the card was thick, which was extra but I think it was worth it. The only bad thing is the girl that did it didin't check the copier first and she ruined all my pink cardstock. I instead chose a yellow that they had there but I was a bit annoyed about it. She was new I think because she kept asking questions of another guy there. The actual prints after though were good and I didn't get charged for the card (thankfully) that she had to replace. After this I hopped in the second cab and came home and slept. Then when I woke up, I separated all the separate pages and laid it out on the table.

I was excited to see this.

The long job of walking around the table to collate them.

This stapler is awesome. I wouldn't have gotten far without it.

So now I have orange and yellow copies of my zine.

How exciting... they are all done.

One thing I did learn is I loved the process. I didn't make this zine to make money, although it is up now in my Etsy shop for anyone who is interested (yes I know I have an unfortunate shop name, apparently you can't change your username when you choose it, lol). This has been made more for the love of putting it together. I would also accept trades of artwork, zines or handmade items instead as well because one thing I have realised is I am addicted to zines and artwork and handmade items. I love that someone else makes something like I do and then wants to get it out there. 

So there you have my shitty day and my happy day all rolled into one. Oh and just so you know, even going to officeworks made me feel bad because I felt like I was a fraud being able to sit in a chair but not able to work. printing this took nearly no brain power except to let the photocopier scan one side and then the other and then sit and stare into space for ages while it did all the prints. I hope you all had/have a good day.

*hugs*
Sarah

10 random photos

Here's another round of 10 random photos, so here we go.

This my new craft trolley.

This is trolley number three. Though the tall trolley has two extensions on it so I problem have three a half craft trolleys now. This table is also where I make all my cards and put my zine together.

I just noticed that someone cut down our tree, poor tree!

Back to craft, here are four albums that are part way finished

I love these

In this document holder is my zine, all ready to go

And back to craft (are you noticing a theme here) here is a pack of 75 sheets of cardstock 12 x 12 inches I got for $15. This was awesome.

My awesome bright pens

I'm reading this at the moment, it is a book of peotry written by patients from Wolston Park psych hospital. It also has drawings in it too.

Another book I am re-reading. I actually am in this book with some of my experiences with mental illness. I love the cover :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

tonight

Tonight I am looked at my body and I thought it was okay. I had a yummy chocolate biscuit before and I really enjoyed it. I am not scared because my belly is rounder tonight, I kinda liked it's shape and it makes me look like a woman. I am thanking my bones because they are really strong and I am drinking full fat milk at work in my tea. It doesn't scare me. I am proud of myself because I am not looking at numbers and I am not thinking about how I am weighing on saturday and how I have to make sure that I am a certain number. A number doesn't mean a thing, instead I am thinking that on saturday I am printing my zine and how that will be fun and it will look cool on the coloured cardstock I am printing it on. I am thinking how I went on to Etsy tonight and found some really cool zines and I bought them and I can't wait until they come here. I am thinking how I am not thinking about food between meals when I am focusing on the now instead of the future. I am being present in each moment of the day and that is awesome. I am thanking my body because I can laugh and it's not forced, it's real laughter and it is expressing the real feeling of joy. I am proud of myself because each day at work is proving to me how much I want to stay there and how I loved today because I learnt some new things and I didn't get upset or focus on work when I came home. I am thankful that I have Andy and that although things aren't perfect in that he hasn't got a job he loves like I do, but I have him and that's enough. I wish for him to be as happy as me. I love that I can come on here and crap on and no one complains and that's nice. I am thinking that I love life, I want to live and I am strong enough to do so. So I will say it again... I love life :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

anxiety

I have had such bad anxiety today, not helped by the shaking I had in my whole body from the lithium. Sometimes I really hate that stuff. I drank some water to try and wash it through but the outcome was that all the shaking gave me really bad anxiety. I told my boss about it and the really cool thing is I pushed through it and continued to stay at work. It's now more than three weeks without a sick day, which I am so happy about. The other thing is I have started to feel like I need to be at work because it's hard on others when I'm not. Seriously I have never felt like this before and I think this shows that I really feel like I belong. I think now about how my behaviour will effect the others, instead of just doing what I want to do and not caring. I also find it a little scary because I constanly think I am not doing well enough, that I don't know enough, that I'm not good enough. I hate these thoughts because they make my anxiety worse. I also have this pathetic need to please my two bosses and another lady there. I feel like a failure when I think I haven't done my best. I feel so borderline right now it's not funny and it drives me nuts. I come home and all I think about is work. I think I need to go and relax a bit and chat to Andy while he cooks dinner. I have to get out of this mindset and settle. I am still anxious. Geez I hate anxiety!

*hugs*
Sarah

doing things the old way

So it turns out the printer I was going to go with, wants the files of my zine project in a different format than my computer has, so I have decided to do things the old fashioned way, which will most likely be more satisfying anyway. I will be going into the city on Saturday and colour printing all of my zines myself. I even have the right cardstock for the front covers. I will buy a long armed stapler and collate them myself too. This way it is completely and utterly my own project, which I really like the idea of. Plus I will save money too by doing it this way. I was a little disappointed though I must admit. Maybe as time goes by I can get the program I need :-)

Foodwise, I am going awesome. I am very happy with my ability to ignore any notions of cutting down. I am very happy with myself right now. Today is 3 weeks without taking sick leave, which I am also really happy about. It shows I want to stay in my job and I care about it. That means a lot to me too. Anyways, I hope you are all doing well :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, August 22, 2010

zine sneak peak

I finished the zine today, the one that I decided I would make on my own. Isn't it funny how I have been not getting too far with Reeding It Like This, the zine I am making with Andy, Rob and Lee, all members of my now family. This one I think is going to take a while as Rob works full time and his part I think will be really good, so I can't leave it out. Being the editor is good and bad, but I've been slack too. For my new zine that will be going to print probably on wednesday, called Pictures and Words, which is a 32 page zine of photography and poetry. All original pieces by me. I am excited.

I know this looks like a lot of paper but the zine will be a quarter of this size. Since it's A5 I had to fold the paper to get a realistic sizing for the pages and I had to also be aware of the 3mm bleed edge. This all needs scanning and put together and then saddle stitched. 

In zine style, I even did some handwriting of my own

I am so excited that I got it done. I am so happy with it. I think the cover will be red, though haven't completely decided yet. I am probably doing a small print run of between 30-50 depending on price. My printer is right near my psychiatrist, so I will be talking to the tomorrow on the phone and then dropping this bundle off on wednesday. Let's hope it all goes like clockwork. The good thing, I studied graphic arts and design before went to uni and I had to do two majors, which were graphic reproduction and book binding. I will not need to worry about being caught out with the lingo. 

Thanks all for stopping by my blog with Ziggy's lovely new underwear ;-)  He is enormously excited that you all thought he was funny or cute.

*hugs*
Sarah

what to do with new undies

Ziggy loves these as they match his headband :-)

zines

I put this up on my creative blog last night but thought now I am too excited to keep this inside from all of you. I am in the process creating a second zine, one that is entirely my own. It will consist of poetry and photography and will be printed and bound and ready to send out. I am so excited about it. The idea came while I was browsing the Etsy shop for zines and the idea just jumped out at me. Plus I have an idea for a third zine that could easily be done alongside this one because it will take a month to complete. The zine that will take the longest is the one I already am working on before the last two came to mind and that's because I am colloborating with three other people and I'm the only one that's done anything yet. Oh well, these things happen. At least I can be creative on my own now :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

I'd better get my camera ready

Saturday, August 21, 2010

a great day and new stuff

Today started with a bang. I got my tax refund and it immediately made my day a good one. I have been waiting and waiting for it to arrive and I didn't think it would be there and it was. So I went shopping big time. I got some really nice skirts for work and some tops too, plus a pair of pants normal every wear at home. I paid Andy back all the money I had borrowed from him and I got some DVDs too. I got my hair cut just a tiny bit to tidy it up and had my eyebrows waxed. I feel so good. I managed to save $600 too and I still have $160 left for other things that strike my fancy. You know when you just have an all around really great day. My food issues are still there but I find when I am happy, they aren't as noticeable. I am really tired though as I have been shopping and walking around all day. It's nice to have a completely happy post though. I might do a bit more shopping tomorrow. I get my new craft trolley tomorrow and a few other things. I would go and get them today but I'm too wiped out. I hope you all have a good day too. Oh and I completed the first page of the zine, so I am very excited about that too. Below are my work clothes purchases. I decided I should probably look the part. Luckily where I work it's not corporate, so I can bet away with casual stuff and on fridays I wear jeans. I am looking at some of these clothes and they look the kind clothes an older person would wear but I still like them and they will be good for work.

*hugs*
Sarah

 Work skirt one

Work skirt two

This is work top one but it is a bit lighter than this but my camera wouldn't focus when I didn't have the flash on.

Work top two. This is not this colour but a pumpkin kind of orange.

Work top three. The camera wouldn't focus on this one either.

Two pairs of black pants for work.

The only fun thing I bought.

I got this for free for shopping wear I got my pants

Friday, August 20, 2010

the sky's the limit really isn't it!!!!

First of all I want to say thank you to all of you who commented on my last few posts. I really appreciate the support while I am trying to figure out the stuff that I am dealing with right now. Thank you also to the lovely people who have joined my journey by following my blog. Hey there and welcome :-)

You know, I keep thinking that the process is over. That my ED has gone away completely. Then it crops up again and I have to think to myself, is everything okay? Am I stressed about something that I haven't recognised yet or haven't dealt with properly. This time I cannot think of a single thing that has thrown me off balance, except for the fact that I tried on a shirt yesterday that was too tight and it threw me. I didn't like it. I remember when it was loose. I remember the weight I was when I wore that. All this stuff is swimming around it my brain. These real ED thoughts and I get scared that I will again become overweight. I remember what that was like and frankly it didn't bother me until my mother told me I was fat. I loved eating what I wanted. I wasn't grossly overweight. Just a few sizes bigger than I am. I think of how that sent me into a five and a half year battle with an eating disorder that I am still trying to break free from.

I am feeling a little in limbo right now. I have no idea what to do right now, except that I think I should work on the zine over the next few days. Keep myself busy and occupied. Or I could do some photography or make some cards. These things are things that I really want to do but I keep making excuses to do them. I am having a dry spell in my creativity, which is all well and good except when I could use it to keep myself occupied. OH... I just had an idea for a card, lol. It's funny how just when you think you can't come up with anything, that an idea pops into mind. I might try my graphics tablet out this weekend or try some drawing for my zine. OH... also I had an idea for drawing. I think I am going to take that animation and cartooning course still. I can start it any time I want to and I think it would give me inspiration.

Okay... so here's the plan. Tonight I might go down and clean my card making area up. Doing that might help me to feel more motivated to make cards. I think I will then try and put my idea that I just had to practice and tomorrow I have a few things planned. I am getting my hair cut (just a tiny bit to get rid of the split ends). Then I am going birthday present hunting for a friend. When I come home I might look at my zine list and try and do two pages of the projects and see how I go. That might be enough to get some of the other ideas happening as well. If I feel like I am slipping, I should try and use some DBT skills on them, like opposite to emotion action or else the do what works one. If I get stuck, I have my cards that I made to remind me. I have my fire drill for coping and if all else fails, I have my mindfulness CD. Also, if I am bored and don't know what to do, I have to put all my music on this new computer. There are about 100 CD's so that should keep me occupied if all else fails.

Tonight I have to get through dinner without restricting. I really need to try and do that or I will fall farther back in recovery. I must get through this slip and that is all it is, is a slip. I am not going relapse this time. I can do this and I will! Sarah is not fat, she is normal and perfect as she is and no one cares if she is four kilos lighter or four kilos heavier. In fact, four kilos heavier is easier because there is not the desperate struggle to constantly be vigilant with my weight. The struggle to see the 'right' number, when there is no right or wrong number and this Sarah can do this, she really can!

*hugs*
Sarah

The sky's the limit really isn't it?

Claws and all

I feel like I am clawing my away from ED as hard as I can but his claws are hanging on to me as tightly as possible. My motivation to cut back my food is really high at the moment. I wish I could be happy the way I am but I'm not, I want to back at my old (but still normal) weight. I want to be free of these extra four kilos. I know I said I'm fine how I am but in truth I have more days that I dislike my body than not. I wish for the day that I don't continually end up here because it really does suck. I will just have to try and ride it out!

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, August 19, 2010

how many times do you fall down

I am sitting here thinking about food. How unusual of me ~ not! I have had a day where I have struggled with my food and my body. I am wondering to myself right now, how many times must I fall down with this ED before I am free of it? I just don't know the answer to that question. I woke up this morning to feeling like this and I just hope it's just today, but I am just sick of ending up in this position over and over. I have stopped actually responding to it but it still makes me feel really anxious. I worry that I'm too fat and that I should restrict and I have clothes that I don't fit into and I worry, worry, worry that I am going to get fatter. I then realise I am not fat, that I am still in most of my clothes and yes some of them are tighter but I am in the second smallest size (third if you could the 6's, which I don't), they are for people who are way way too tiny. I don't know, I wish that I could turn my brain off. I hate when I start to worry because it lasts for several days sometimes and if it really gets stuck in my head, can turn into a relapse. I have to be very careful. The fact that this is still in my head worries me. I usually can turn it around quicker than this. I guess I will sleep on it and see how I feel in the morning. The fact that I am aware of it is good. It means I know that I don't want it to be there but just as I wrote this, I had a thought that I am too fat. I HATE those thoughts so much. I am more than a number. I am more than a clothing size. I deserve to be happy and free of the eating disorder althogether. I know I can do this. I know I can. I must, because I don't want to be forty and still suffering from ED thoughts. That just won't happen. I will not let that happen. I will be free of you eating disorder, forever and soon!

*hugs*
Sarah

Instead of grasping hands with ED, I will offer ED flowers, that way it can't grab me if it's hands are already  full!

not a nice topic but

So I am having some problems with constipation. I usually have to have two tea spoons of benefibre/metamucel in the morning and two sponns of movicol at night to help with this and it does work if I do what I am mean to do. The last week I have been really bad at remembering to take them, so I put a reminder on my iphone. So last night I go to take it and guess what, no movicol. I had run out and I had forgotten I had run out so I forgot to get some. I was really pissed off about this. I ended up eating instead four dried figs and 3 large dried dates. I don't even know if these will help but it's all I had at that time. I just don't want to get this built up to where I have to intervene and take eight saches because I am so blocked up. I do know it's the medication that does it but I am prone to it anyway. It hate this so much and have even been hospitalised because of this once.  Let's hope the figs and dates help, otherwise I could be getting one step closer to this not going well.

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

acceptance

It's funny. Whenever I start a new job, I usually go fine for a few weeks and then I start having sick days. I haven't any idea why I do this, but I start to feel stuck and like I'm being trapped and I feel like I need to get away. Part of this is fear of leaving, which is a weird way to respond to that. I fear that I won't get to stay where I am, that my contract will end and that will be eat, so I start to avoid being there in case I like the place too much. For the first time since I was 17, I have a permanent job and I finally think that I really believe that. Over the last eight weeks, I have struggled to feel like I fit, not because I thought they were going to change their mind about hiring me, but because I am finally starting to feel like I have learnt enough that I don't appear like the new person that doesn't know anything. So to stop myself feeling like this, I avoided being at work. Today I realised that I had finally reached an acceptance of being at my new job and that it wasn't feeling quite so new anymore but in a good way. I am finally feeling happy to be there and comfortable. I am not feeling stupid so much and it's a really nice feeling. I felt for the first time that I was okay and I am happy and I liked being there. I still have to ask questions but not so much. It's a really nice feeling. Something I have been striving for for nearly three years. It has taken me that long to get permanency and it's in a really awesome place too. This makes me feel good and for the fact that it's been now two weeks since I had a sick day. That is an achievement for me. I hope to make this a lot longer than that and I will. I want to do the best job I can and that means no more sick days when I don't need them.

*hugs*
Sarah

I love happy days :-)

death

I know this is not a topic that many people really want to talk about, but it's something I noticed about myself yesterday. You see, I get this incredible anxiety that people around me, like Andy, are going to die and that I will be left alone and unable to cope. I imagine the whole thing so completely in my mind, that sometimes it makes me cry. I then have to call Andy if we are not together or just check that he is okay. I then have the opposite thought that I am going to die and then I imagine how Andy would cope without me. I imagine everything from being shot, to get getting cancer and dying from it.

I don't understand why I do this. It could just be a really weird BPD abandonment thing but I'm not sure. If that was the case, I would have thought I wouldn't worry about me dying and leaving Andy behind. I think the other thing I worry about is if I die, what happens. Am I aware that I am dead and feel really bad for leaving Andy behind or do you just snuff out and not know anything, it's just a complete blank or do you come back into another life. I find thinking about this all very confusing and I hate thinking about it but the more I try and force myself to push it aside, the more I think about it.

I dread the day that one of either me or Andy die but at the same time I don't want to ruin our time together by having useless thoughts about us dying. I need to focus on the now, not the future. I can change the quality toghether. I do go through these stages and then I am fine and don't think about it for ages. Fingers crossed I can get it out of my head. I guess I could also use DBT skills, like pushing away the thought, to feel better. I have to do something and that sounds better than nothing.

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, August 16, 2010

triggered myself in my last (deleted) post

Isn't it funny how you have every intention of saying something you think is really important and then bam, it hits you. What happened was I wrote a post about how I believe I am really close to recovery and I have only the smallest way to go until I'm there. In my post I wrote how I have put on 4kg since I really decided to 'get better' and how that wasn't really much. I ended up triggering myself and so after that post I put a reminder in my phone recurr every day that said one word 'restrict'. I deleted the post.

It was the 4kg that got me, even though I still fit into most of my clothes I suddenly thought to myself, 'I want to get back to the weiight I was' this is actually a healthy weight. I was going to bed when I did the reminder, so this morning I woke up and remembered it was there and deleted it. I am stepping back into my DBT skills when I say to not judge the number. It is therefore only a number and it can't hurt me.

I wish that these things did not pop into my head, but I guess I could always be triggered by numbers and still be triggered by my weight. I just have to be vigilant that this does not spill over into relapse, because that I don't want. I have come to a place in my life where I want to focus on other things rather than what weight my body is. It's so important to me to connect with people and to love life and not let these things bother me. Life's too short!

In a few weeks time I will be meeting up with 4 school friends I haven't seen in 19 years. I am quietly terrified, just because so much has happened for me since I have seen them last. Not that I would go into my mental health stuff at all but just because there will be partner's and husbands there and it's scary meeting new people when you haven't seen the others for so long. I am excited though. I am hoping that I can connect with them all and hopefully keep my friendships with them going and prospering. One of them inparticular, he nickname was Mouse, I would love to get to know again. We stayed friends longer than the others and her old cat was my old cat's mum. I think I might even wear my new black skirt from my last post for when I meet them! How exciting :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Body issues and clothes

I was walking over to get coffee when I looked at what I am wearing today, baggy sweat pants and an oversize hoodie and I started to think about how so many of us who have suffered from an ED, still dress to hide our figure. Well I know I do. I don't like tight clothes and instead probably wear sizes that are wrong for me because I try to hide myself. This probably the one thing I have always done, as far back as I can remember. I hope one day I can break this and instead wear clothes that make me look good rather than me trying to hide. I probably look bigger than I really am too because of the baggy stuff, but I also like to be comfortable too. I am big on comfortable! I really want to break this and I have an idea. When I get my tax, which should be this week, I am going to buy some dresses and skirts. I have thought on this before and I think it will be nice to look better and dress up a bit instead of getting around in sweat pants and baggy hoodies. I'll just wear them half the time instead :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

[edit]  I just bought a new skirt. It's not the fitting kind I was talking about in here but I know it's one I'll be comfortable in to start with. Oh and I know I should try and be more colourful other than black, but hey, it's a start.

 The skirt goes just below my knees.

I really like the lace on it :-)

[edit edit] So I really like the skirt above, however, I decided that I wanted something similar but longer. I love these skirts but I'm having shoe issues, so I took this skirt back (I live two minutes from a shopping mall/centre). I found the skirt below and I love it more. It's more fitted that this one, not that you can tell and it fits better. 

Sorry about the weird angle. This skirt is more comfortable and it looks better on too :-)

Saturday, August 14, 2010

it all ends in tears

I can't believe that it's still only saturday. I seem to have put so much into this saturday that it feels like it should be a week or at least a day later. I spent a frustrating morning trying to get wireless internet onto my new computer. It didn't work.


This is the computer that has done my head in for a week. Or should I say, this is computer number three, after I had two that had incomplete versions of windows 7 on them, which made it so niether of them could boot up. I love the computer, but not the effort it's taken to get it up and running. The tech I paid last night to do the wireless internet couldn't do it either and so I gave in and got the longest ethernet cable I have ever seen and am now finally plugged in. So now I have a sad little laptop because she's not number one anymore.

So I got a call just before from Andy from the other room to say that there was something up with the boys, Ziggy and Grover to be exact (two of my cute little plush friends). At first I just wanted to sit in my little corner and blog, but I did go look and it made me laugh. Here is what they got up to.

They were having so much fun

Swinging on my new ethernet cable

Until it all ended in tears

So now I am left to put all my music onto my new computer. I have a heap of it to do and it will take me a long time to do it. Probably a few weeks. I usually do it all the weekend I get a new computer, but not this time. My ipods still have their music, so I will do the music thing gradually I think. 

Have a groovy day/night! I think I need to relax :-)

*hugs*
Sarah