Thursday, September 30, 2010

half way

A quick post tonight and that is to say I am halfway though Andy being away and I'm doing okay. I have an awful headache though because of how stressed I was on Tuesday and have had it for over two days now. I hope it's gone tomorrow. I get to do a 1/4 to a half day tomorrow and then I am going in to print zine number four, which is all about cats. Cat's I've known and cats stories. There are cat pictures and there is even a cat poem. I say this as Missy is about to jump on my lap. Well almost, she moved when I moved to let her on. I am loving my time with her but I am all played out. She wants to play all the time and my head just hurts but she is a good smoocher. I plan to try and catch up a bit on posts tomorrow or on Saturday morning before Andy gets home. I'm sorry I've been so absent. It's been an emotionally draining few days, let me tell you.

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

4 day working week

My bosses have noticed I am not doing to well and have offered me a four day working week for three months. I think I am going to accept but I feel bad that it has come to this and that it's been so bad. I am exhausted half the time and they are suggesting taking wednesday off. I was the one that called the meeting and we all talked about how this is affecting my workmates. I have had such an awful headache today that I think is because of the stress of yesterday with me worrying about Andy being away. At least I have such nice bosses and such amazing workmates. One of them went to my boss and told them they were worried about me. I am not at all angry, just feel like at least she cared after I cried on her shoulder yesterday. I want to go to sleep now and it's only 5:45pm this is why I am not around much these days. I'm sorry about that, I just can't seem to get the balance right.

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, September 27, 2010

upon request



~Sarah~

things

I have been having so much fun writing zines and so I am going to give you some news about the next two. Zine number four is all about cats. My two cats and cats I've had growing up and cats I've known, plus funny cat stories and pictures. This one is going to print next weekend and is in the final stages of completion.

The fifth zine at this stage will be about body image and should go to print within the next three weeks. I know many of you gave me personal info for this issue and I want to do it right, that's why zine three ended up changing to a general zine about lots of different things.

The other thing is that I have a feeling that this blog may come to an end soon. I am not 100% sure and I would never close it until I was. I don't know, it's just that I am really struggling with blogging right now. Maybe then I could just come back whenever I wanted to instead of closing it. It's a tough one. This I am going to have to think on.

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, September 26, 2010

new zine - Anybody

I just put a new zine into my Etsy shop if anyone is interested. You can find it here http://www.etsy.com/listing/57322626/anybody-zine. It is about lots of things including mental health stuff, cats, falling alseep on the train and lots more. You can see the cover along the side under "my etsy shop". It has an orange cat on the cover too :-)

this is the week

I am semi-back, or what I am trying to say is that I am going to take it a bit easy so as not to get all stressed out if I miss things in blogger-land. I don't intend on missing things but I realised that I need a balance of stuff in the big wide world and internet stuff. I started to get to a point where I just had to stop because I felt like all I did was internet stuff in my spare time and other things were falling by the wayside.

One of the things I love that I do in the real world is write my zines. I am about to print zine number three a little later today. This one is a bit different to the others, as it's random musings about all different things, including some mental health stuff. I am also currently writing another zine all about cats. Cat stories about cats that I have had in my life and all things cat related. This issue should be out within the next week or two. Probably within in the week as Andy is away this week (yes, this is the week) and I have Missy to keep me company but sometimes all she wants to do is play with mousie, her little pink mouse.

As you can see, mousie is a bit mangled. Missy licks her ears, lol

While I am showing you pics, I may as well show you the Missy of today. She is the perfect poser and yesterday while she was laying on the bed I got some really good pics of her. 

awww

Anyway, enough about kitty stuff for now. As for my ED it's under control. I am now eating to a new meal plan and I'm doing okay. It's more food than I would normally eat but it's really healthy stuff. I have to have more fruit and vegies than I was having, which wasn't much. I was basically eating a low cal diet with no nutrients. I am trying to ignore the number on the scale as I have come to realise I will never love the number and I will never be happy with it. Kerry has now gone away for three weeks but she will be back in the last week of October and we will pic up where we left off. I am still waiting to hear which consultant I will be talking to about the ED from the ED speciality clinic for an evaluation and then hopefully finding and ED psychologist. I seem to need to have a proper therapist besides my psychiatrist as he just really talks about meds and we never delve into anything else. I don't think I will find this out until I see him next which is not until two wednesdays time. We'll see I guess.

Other than that my life is pretty ordinary. Which is nice. I have to make a card today for Kelly at work as she is in the rotational position and is moving at the end of the week to her new role and we get a new person too. Kelly has been awesome and I will miss her lots. She is very pregnant now, so it's cool see her get bigger as I remember when she told as and you couldn't tell and now you can. She will be such an awesome mum. Not that you needed to know any of that, lol.

Okay, now after my epic post I will leave off here. I hope you have all be plodding along okay. I will try and catch up on blogs but I just have to take it slow. Please don't be offended if I don't get to yours right away. I will eventually. Hello to my new readers. Pleased to meet you. I hope you don't find it too boring here. 

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, September 24, 2010

interesting experience

Tonight I noticed something really strange but it made me happy. I was creating zine number three, where I was actually drawing the front cover. I did the first picture a week or so ago and had decided to slightly change the name, so had to redraw it. I was stunned when at the end I looked at both pictures. The first picture had a huge girl on the front standing next to her cat with the title Any Body because it was about body image and I thought that sounded like an okay title. Then a week later, new meal plan, have been eating more and have skipped no meals and my drawing is of a thinner girl, with her cat and this picture the girl has a smile, where the last one didn't. Then the name is Anybody because it is about random thoughts about all different things, which anybody would relate to. I called Andy in and even he noticed the massive difference in the pictures. I think it's cool and I think my psychiatrist would find it interesting too. More food and I draw myself thinner. Now that is food for thought ;-)

*hugs*
Sarah

P.S. I am still kind of having a break but this was too interesting to not post. I will catch up properly real soon.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Taking a short break

I'm so tired lately. I fell asleep on the train this morning, was very embarassing. I am tired when I get home and I can't keep up with blogs lately. It is only 7:34pm and I'm going to bed. I saw Kerry today and my whole meal plan has changed. I'm okay, just feeling a little flat today. I want to sleep, sleep, sleep. My medication is causing me so many problems with the tiredness. I will be back as soon as I can and I'm sorry if I have been so absent for a few weeks. I hope to pick up soon and be back to normal. I have a medication decrease tonight, I hope it helps.

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Good stuff

Today I saw Dr M and he said that he doesn't want me to go inpatient because of the other problems associated like the BPD and the attachment issues and how my ED is a symptom of issues that I need to deal with. In the end I did agree with him and he is still going to find me a consultant to work with at the clinic I was going to, but he what he wants is for me to work with them to find a suitable psychologist that does specialise in eating disorders and keep working with Kerry.

Part big part of me is relieved that I don't have to let work down and I am sure that Steve my boss is relieved and seeing Dr M helped hugely because when I told Steve at work I didn't need hospital, it gave me permission to eat again at work. Weird I know, but I felt weird eating there when I supposedly had an eating disorder. This is what Sarah's brain tells her when it is half starved. It was half starved too as I spent yesterday in an ED fog. I couldn't think or anything and tonight Andy commented on how I ate all my dinner and I said to him that it's okay for now. I see Kerry tomorrow morning, so hopefully we can put some things in place of what I can do when I have these days. One thing though, it was actually nice to eat dinner. I really wish I would stop having these episodes though as they make it really really hard for me. Especially when there is also a lot of anxiety attached like there was with this one.

So I have a few hurdles coming up. Next week Andy goes away for four days and Kerry goes away too, plus Andy's folks are away too. Some good things I have in place are Carmen and Jo who I met in my old job, want me to ring them on alternate nights to keep me feeling okay. I have my friends from school I can chat too and most of all little Missy, my gorgeous cute little kitty, will be here with me. I can also contact Dr M if things get too awful and I have work every day.

I have to remind myself. One foot in front of the other, never afraid to try. Those words are written under my blog title and I can't lose sight of them.

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, September 20, 2010

a can of worms

I thought coming clean at work about needing to go to hospital and why, would help me. It has only made things worse and not because anyone has said anything. No one that knows has said a thing or even looked at me funny. So now I have realised that I can't eat in the office. I had a massive anxiety attack that no one saw today and started to cry at my desk. I was so hungry but I couldn't eat there and I was really happy when lunch came, but then found I had issues eating in the cafeteria too. Wish I'd kept my mouth shut now and made up some excuse, but that's not me, I have to be honest. I think it's also because I don't have much to do at the moment, so I am really aware of it. I managed to get through the rest of the day but I seriously can't not be busy, if I have any more days like today, I will crack and end up in hosptial earlier and will piss everyone off at work. I wish I knew how to deal with this, but this is beyond me, it really is. At least things are going to start to get really busy soon. I can't believe I am having trouble eating at my desk, I have done it a million times before :-(

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, September 19, 2010

chances and perspectives

I met my school friends today and one of them reminded me of the last contact I had with him. I had just overdosed and I had rung him to tell him this and it really freaked him out and he couldn't stay in contact with me anymore. This made me realise that everything has consequences that you can't see and that it's sometimes not okay to only think about number one. I apologised to him for it too. It was good to see them all and to think about things in another way. I chatted to them about going into hospital and said that it would be cool if they visited. That we would have to go out to dinner sometime. There were a lot of funny and fond memories and I loved every minute.

I got home and then spoke to a friend and it made me realise how much I have to treasure the opportunity that hospital is for me that is coming up. I really do realise that this is an awesome opportunity that not only do I get to keep my job and do it but I get to get better in the procress. I will be better after this, I really will. I won't let this pass me by without acknowleding that I have been handed the key to help me recover. This is it folks, no more messing around.

*hugs*
Sarah

P.S. thanks for the comments with your experiences in my last post.

Questions for my zine - ED stuff

I remember asking some of you a last week if you would answer questions for my zine. I have a couple actually and would love you to answer them if you feel comfortable. You can either comment here or you can email me at splinks74@netspace.net.au if you don't feel comfortable answering here. No numbers please!

1. Can you remember what the moment or the lead up to you getting an ED, if so, what sticks out to you the most?

2. If you could go back in time and change that moment, what would your current self say to yourself?

This is all I can think of for now, but I will let you know if I can think of anything else.

My answers are:

1. I had an anorexic friend I had met in hospital and when I chose to go on a 'diet' because I was overweight a little at the time, I decided to use her way, starvation and then I realised that it worked. I wasn't obsessed at first but I was after 5 months and the smallest weight I've been as an adult.

2. I would tell that girl, that she should eat healthy and exercise enough that it's not too much, because if she doesn't, she would spend the next five years still fighting and in the end when I look back, those years were clouded by the veil of the eating disorder. I would tell her she was already beautiful.

~Sarah~

Saturday, September 18, 2010

found

I found the scale. I don't think this is a good thing. I started zine number three by drawing the front cover and I like it. I started writing for zine number three, which is about body image, not just mine. The zine has a new name, although I will come back to the other two at some point and I have zine number four started too, it's about cats.

Laylee ended up not being called Laylee because we always call her Missy or little Missy, so she is now officially had a name change. She seems to come to anything really and Laylee now doesn't seem to suit her. She can be a naughty kitty but good when you don't get mad at her. I discovered the perfect way to settle her down is to actually not get mad at her to start with and if she is being exceptionally naught, a little squirt of our water spray stops her in her tracks and then she has to bathe herself and by the time that is all over, she has settled down.

Tomorrow I meet with friends I have not seen for 19 years. I have mixed feelings. I want to see them but don't want them to see me. Wish I could stop being so negative lately.

*hugs*
Sarah

How cute is that face :-)

frozen to the spot

I know that I've had a up and down week. It really has been. Starting the week off with diarrhoea and then having Monday and Tuesday off work. Seeing Kerry again for the first time since April and finding out she wanted me to go inpatient. Seeing this as not an option when all of a sudden all the pieces fall together, firstly insurance say I am fully covered for the stay, then I find out Andy is okay with this. Then I find out that my boss is okay with this and not only is he okay but he wants me to go early so I still get a Xmas break if I do well enough to get out then.

The only hurdle left is my psychiatrist, Dr M. I think he will be okay with me doing this because I have pre-booked it and not just run off on impulsively. I feel so stuck and frozen in my ED right now though. I am so conscious of food that I am noticing everything. I have also started to lose weight again and although I know it's not good, part of me is glad because I am too fat and that worries me. I must stay strong or my inpatient stay will last a lot longer than I hope it to. I need to get through these 9 weeks, which seems like forever but it won't be. It will go really fast. It's all moving so fast though in a way, because I never thought this would happen to me ever (IP I mean). It's one of those curve balls that life throws at you and one that I have to grab with every fibre of my being. There is no choice in this, it's entirely get better and nothing else.

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, September 17, 2010

Inpatient from end of November

My boss approved leave from November 22nd for me to go inpatient for my eating disorder. I am lucky that I have already come so far and am hoping that I can get out of there in a month to six weeks. Though if I wasn't ready, my boss would be fine. I feel numb, scared, but hopeful. My ED has me really bad right now and today I had a mini panic attack in the morning tea that we have every friday, of which I hate. I still go up and eat something, but it's hard. It was harder today because I knew that my boss and Guin new that I have an ED now. When I got out of the room, of which I was in only 5 minutes, I nearly started to cry. My heart was pounding. This is why I don't want this anymore and why I have to fight so hard to get better. I have Kerry until I go in and she really is awesome. She is also going to talk to my dietitian in the clinic I am going to. The next hurdle is the referral, which I will be getting from my psychiatrist on tuesday. Then it will just be a waiting game, currently set at 9 weeks and three days. That seems so far away but it will go fast and I have to deal with all of this until then. I CAN do this and I will, I have to, it is no longer about choice, but living and really enjoying life. When this hospital stay is over, I want to be free of this ED, though I know that it will depend on me, I want to be the best I can be and then move back to seeing Kerry if I need to. I really hope this is going help.

*hugs*
Sarah

The task seems so huge

Thursday, September 16, 2010

IP in December

I decided after seeing Kerry yesterday that I should really find out if inpatient was an option, so I emailed the clinic that she suggested, as it has an eating disorders unit and I found out today that my insurance would fully cover the stay. I also spoke to my boss today and I have a feeling he is going to let me take all my holidays at the beginning of December and then leave without pay for a few weeks and then I will have 10 days over Xmas where I get paid anyway, as the university gives those to us without us taking annual leave. December and the beginning of January is the most quiet time at work apparently and I told him why I was going and he seemed quite supportive. He just has to check with Julie, the assistant manager, to see if she taking time off and then if it's all okay, I just need a referral. I can't believe this could be happening. I hope it does because although it will suck over the Xmas period, it's the time when people don't want to be in hospital, so Mick from the clinic said he thinks there is a higher chance of me getting in when I want to.

I just want to beat this ED for good and I know the only way to, is to do it this way. By December I will have had the ED for 5 and a half years and I don't want it anymore, but just need that last bit of help to kick it. I've tried outpatient now for over three years and it's not working. If it was going to, it would have by now. I want next year to be ED free and I say no more, you will not take anymore years of my life. So I have just under 12 weeks and I have that time to prepare as much as I can. To save as much as I can to make up for lost wages. I CAN do this and I will. I say NO MORE!

[edit] I would get to go home for Xmas day, as long as I was going okay and Andy is fine with all this too :-)


*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

typing with little missy and other stuff

It's funny, when we got Laylee, I didn't know how much she would attach herself to us. You never know, the cat you get might not like yoiu. Laylee is so smoochy that sometimes I can't do anything. She will stand on my keyboard or try and drink my tea and climb my lap or sit right in front of the monitor so I can't see a thing. I have learnt a trick and that is to throw her her pink catnip mouse and she rolls around with it for hours. 

Leading on from my last post, I will not be going inpatient just yet. What is going to happen from now on is that I will go along the way I am puting high fibre stuff back into my diet and getting the low fat low calorie stuff out. The scale has already been taken away again I can only weigh with Andy's supervision. We are thinking about doing the inpatient thing later on in the year, like a date when it's okay for work and Andy has money coming in. We will see and although I am looking into it for now, I am only getting the information now. The answer to questions of if I need it, Kerry said yesterday that I know the stuff but that's where I get stuck because I can't apply it and I don't know what normality with food is. I have been having mini binges as well and then throw a lot of it away because I am ashamed to be eating that stuff.

The plan so far is just to keep doing what I am doing with some minor changes, keep seeing Kerry and Dr M and plan for how I will cope when Andy is away. I already Laylee of course, and I have some friends in place to call, plus I am going to ask to be referred to the mental health team during my time alone so they would call me once a day. We'll see.

As for the zine, that will still all be happening. I will write up some questions and put them up and whoever wants to answer them can. I will still be looking body image in my next zine.Yay for zines.

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Kerry

I saw Kerry, my dietitian today and she wants me to go inpatient. Problem is that my psychiatrist and my husband don't agree that I need to just yet. Dr M seemed annoyed that he got the fax saying I should go IP and in the end we decided to talk about it next week when I have done some research on my insurance level of cover. It seems I would pretty much be covered but it will cause problems with Andy, his job finishes at the of October and if I was IP, then we would have no income at all. Dr M thinks I am all freaked out about Andy going away in a few weeks and that I am focusing on my ED to make me feel better. I agree I am freaking out about Andy but I think I am at a point in my ED that I just need that last bit of help to get through it. It seems that Kerry is going to be it and the IP thing won't happen. I am okay, I just feel bad about all this. Work, well I don't know what I would do about that. I think it would have to be a planned IP admission that would be okay with work, as well as being okay with Andy and Dr M. Kerry is going away for a few weeks too soon and I have asked Dr M for more support over that time. I just feel like this year has been the year of being unwell. I have not been completely stable for a long period of time for ages. I don't know what to do or where to go or how to get better and it seems like my key people, don't want to help me either (excluding Kerry). At least I have a beautiful kitty and Andy. I wish he could feel what I feel. It's hard to explain to someone that doesn't struggle with food, how it feels to feel this way and it sucks.

*hugs*
Sarah

body image

A few weeks ago I on a whim, ordered a set of zines called "Fat Girl". No, they are not about eating disorders but about accepting your body the way it is, not matter the size. These five zines, issue one to five, landed in my mail box yesterday and I have finished the first four already and have started the last one. This is not because they were small but rather because they were fascinating and this beautiful woman, who is overweight by societies standards talks of body image in a way I have not really read of before. I love these zines and it's made me really think about what I am doing right now. I believe seeing Kerry today, is sink or swim. I think I'm going to try and swim. I no longer want to view myself as ugly or fat or skinny for that matter, because of a number. I really want to just learnt to love my body at the weight it settles at, without resorting to days of restricting and laxatives.

With that in mind, I am changing what I was writing my next zine about. I am going to dedicate issue two of By the Skin of My Teeth to body image and what that means for me and other women and men. I think it's often thought that men don't worry as much as women do about there bodies, but I don't think that is so true. I often hear Andy tell me his belly is fat and I have male readers too, some who have issues with their bodies as well. I will also look at stereotypes and self-stereotypes. The latter being a big one for me. I stereotype myself in the way I think I look or should look. As I type this, I have a precious little kitty on my lap who doesn't care if I am thin, average or fat. So if you all don't mind, I would love to do a reader survey. I am going to write some questions today and then if you don't mind joining in, you can be anonymous or you can just be the name you use on your blog. I won't reveal your blog though. I also want to write about my ED and how it has come about and how I plan to get rid of it, starting today I will see Kerry regularly, or it won't work. I need to learn what normality is and that I am doing things right and that I can maintain my weight and just live my life to the fullest.

So what do you think? Would some of you like to answer some questions about body image and be in my zine, with a fake name if you like ;-)   I will post more after I see Kerry.

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, September 13, 2010

it's not okay

Okay, so it's confession time. I have been keeping a secret from you all, mainly because it's made me feel so bad that I didn't know how to admit it. I started to get constipation again, instead of fixing it right away, I asked for my scale back and I started to take laxatives again. So now I have had diarrhoea for nearly a week and every time I eat I get it. I am not proud of it, instead I had to take the day off of work again because I had the diarrhoea. This time though I went straight to the doctor, who has ordered blood tests and I will be seeing Kerry, my old dietitian again tomorrow, as she was the one that gave me the movicol (2 sachets a day) and benefibre (two tea spoons a day). The benefibre has the lovely side-effect of constipation if you don't drink enough water. I have reduced nutritious food in my diet to food that has no nutritional value but has lower calories. I am terrified of facing Kerry again tomorrow but I know I need her and I need to get rid of this horrible ED that has had me for far too long. I want to be normal and have a normal life. I want to okay with eating and be happy. ED will never give me this. Nothing is ever enough for ED. I have lost weight again, not because I need to but because I was scared being 4kg heavier. Let's just say, I am shitting my pants, literally.

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Writing

A long time ago, I mean years ago, I really wanted to write a memoir of my story, the story from beginning to end, with no stops in between. During the process of putting together zine one and the writing of zine two, I have learnt that (a) I love writing and recording my experiences and (b) I love zines. I have decided the format my zines will take and then maybe one day I will have enough written down to make it into a memoir. I am not there yet and I'm still loving the zine thing, that I can write about anything and some people want to read them. I love that. So now I have several zines that I am working on.

I am working on issue two of By the Skin of My Teeth, which I have now decided is only going to be about my mental health stories. I have done issue one of Pictures and Words and this one is going to be an occasional zine. But the new one I am excited about is called Copy Cat and it's going to mingled stories of Sabby, my first cat and learning to be with a new kitty Laylee. It's stories of me learning the differences Sabby and Laylee and the ridiculous, the crazy, the funny and entertaining.

I am really enjoying the process of writing and knowing that on the floor next to my chair is Laylee sleeping, while I am typing away is a really nice feeling. She has really taken to me today and has followed me everywhere and cuddled and smooched and it's lovely. I am finding the writing intriguing and I am surprised by how I feel about certain things I write. I have a really good memory, even about the things that happened 15 or 20 years ago. I remember that 20 years ago, I was asked by my mother to see my first psychiatrist. I was young and I was angry and I remember basically telling her to get stuffed. In remembering these things, it brings up unexpected feelings towards the memory and I will find myself just sitting for a moment, picturing in my mind the experience I am writing about and it's as clear as watching a cinema movie. For those few moments, I can't see what is in front of me, as all I see are the memories I am dredging up.

If you asked me how I would feel about this, I think I would have said, I would find it easy and feel nothing. I find though that the experience of writing, like writing here, is not always easy and you often feel very strong emotions for things that you are remembering. That's why people that suffer from flashbacks suffer so much. They remember so well that they cannot separate themselves from the memory or the emotion attached. I luckily don't suffer from flashbacks but I do have a good memory. It's like my dreams, I dream as if in a cinema and that's also why I can't read and listen to music at the same time. I see both of these like a cinema and it's like watching two movies with sound and vision at the same time. It's confusing and it's hard to do for me. I like writing because I can see the story. I can feel the story. I often find my hand too slow and the words have raced ahead before I can finish the sentence. It's worse if I am having a "I can't type the right letter if I tried" days, where backspace is both my friend and my enemy all at the same time, to the point that I want to throw the keyboard at the screen.

I am looking forward to finishing the next two zines and I am going to do it more slowly this time. Let it happen and let it happen when it wants to happen. I am hoping to go to print within a month. Though I can see that I will get excited and probably want to print earlier. I really want to try not doing this this time. I want it to be molded to the way I would be proud of it to end. I want my words to leap off the page, but if leaping is asking too much, I would be happy with a little hoping.

*hugs*
Sarah

More kitty and some ED

It wasn't a bad first night with Laylee. She woke us both up at 3:30am for a cuddle but we both went back to sleep pretty fast and she settled down. She is an amazingly cute and smoochy cat, though she gets worried when either of us leave the room and she can't find us. She starts to meow, this tiny little meow until she finds us and then she is alright. She is currently alseep on my computer desk and she was chasing the cursor before, which was way cute and very funny. Though now I have nose prints on my computer screen. I just woke her up too by typing. She has just noticed the writing coming up on the screen, though has not found this interesting and after sitting right in front of the monitor so I can't see what I am typing, she is sleeping on the floor. I must have been making too much noise. Andy has started to call her princess, which I think is funny, he is so besotted with this little cat, as am I.

In other news besides the new zine and the kitty, I am doing okay with food, though I am still having some overwhelming thoughts of fattness. I am trying to pour all my energies into other areas, so that I am not thinking about it. This is why you are getting all kitty and zine stuff. I am doing the best I can and that's all I can do right? I hope that one day I can be rid of the ED all toghether, but as time goes on, I wonder if this is possible or if it will always be in the back of my mind. I had pizza for dinner last night and I am now feeling horrible and bloated and awful about eating it. I had a bad lunch yesterday too and that bothers me and today my weight is up. I am just going to work on my kitty zine I think and just see if I can't stop worrying about all that stuff for a bit. I made a card last night. It is in a gorgeous colour called Rich Razzleberry and it is in my signature style.

This stuff is what I need to do and my new zine

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, September 11, 2010

my new kitty

This morning I was anxiously awaiting the arrival off my new kitty, Laylee and I was so nervous as the time came near for her arrival. She was wisked in and let out and I thought she would have taken off into the big box I had set aside for her to hide in for the first day or so.


She looked at it and thought about going in there but instead started to sniff around. The delivery lady that is from the refuge went and we sat and watched her. Within 15 minutes she was smooching up to Andy and he was patting her and we went downstairs and she followed. She played with a few toys and had a big look around but she wasn't scared at all.


Then we went upstairs and sat on the bed, while she checked out one of the bathrooms.


Next she decided that she wanted to jumped up on Andy's bedside table.


After checking that out, she decided it was time to have a sit and lay on the bed and she looked so cute.


All that effort finally got way too much for her and she went to sleep on my side of the bed (guess I'll be sleeping on the floor tonight because she is asleep there again now).


After a snooze, while Andy was out getting lunch, we played with the camera and my favourite image is this one - she is such a little sweetheart. I am in love with her.


*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, September 10, 2010

something new and scary

I found out tonight that because I have private health insurance that if I pay the excess, I could go to private hospital for free and I only have to pay for blood tests and what not which I can claim back through medicare. I wish I didn't know this information because it makes it easier to go and I can't do that because I have a little kitty cat coming and that would not be fair and I'm not unwell. I just wish I hadn't been told that because the borderline in me was quite interested by the news.

*hugs*
Sarah

It's ready

Here is my first By the Skin of My Teeth zine. The amazing thing is when I was copying them, a girl in copy shop got one from me. I couldn't believe it. I was so excited. Andy has been reading it outside for the last half an hour and I am just excited all round. If you are interested in my zine, you can get one from my Etsy shop or if you have a zine and you'd like to trade or if you have something that we can trade with, I am open to suggestions and offers. This zine is all in black and white too. Much cheaper and easiser. The only real cost for me is postage, which I am fine with. I am not trying to make money on them, just cover for postage to get them sent out.

This is the cover, bright pink, with me holding the name of the zine.

I'm serious about trades, so just ask me. My email addy is splinks74@netspace.net.au. My Etsy store is http://www.etsy.com/listing/55979938/by-the-skin-of-my-teeth-issue-one.


*hugs*
Sarah :-)

Laylee, zines and pain clinic

I have decided that By the Skin of My Teeth, issue two will be out in between two weeks and a month from now. I am doing this issue on cats. I will talk about my old boy Sabby who died in 2007 and the life and times of Laylee, the beautiful little girl who will be mine tomorrow morning. I have already written my piece on how the idea of her came about and when we get her, I will write more about her crazy antics and what she is like.

I go to print today with the first issue of By the Skin of My Teeth, and it's really exciting. I am looking forward to the process of the collating all over again. This time with bright pink covers. I also see the pain clinic today for a review and I am going to ask them to take me off gabapentin and see how I go. I think my doctor will do that, because I can always go back on it. I just want to see how go, as yesterday I fell asleep on the train again completely and nearly missed getting off.

Will post later with the picture of my finished zines :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, September 9, 2010

all cat and zine ready

Well I got sent home sick today because my tummy way playing and it was sore and I had diarrhoea and there is a lady at work who is pregnant at the moment, so they didn't want her to get sick or for themselves to get sick. I am okay but when I eat, I have to race to the bathroom. But moving right along.

On the way home when I was feeling not too bad, I stopped at a pet store and got Laylee some things: cat carrier cage for when she needs to go to the vet; a good size litter tray; some toys; a collar; a bowl that is ant proof; a self filling water bowl; a litter tray scoop and then I caught a cab home. Then I went to our local supermarket and got her all the food she eats and some dry food too. Tomorrow I am going to get her a little tag with her name on it and our phone number. She is going to be an indoor girl and she is microchipped, but you just never know. It also will make her feel like mine then. I have all of Sabby's old cat tags hanging on my key ring and those are so precious to me that I will never throw them away.

Tomorrow after my pain clinic review, I am going to print zine number two By the Skin of My Teeth, which is basically stories of stays in mental health clinics and the funny things that happened. It has a couple of poems but it's mainly short stories (true stories) and bits and pieces of all sorts of things. It is going to have a bright pink cover and the inside will be all black and white to keep costs down. I learnt the hard way with zine number one having it mainly in colour. It was way expensive and I've never said how much because I am embarrased at the cost. This one will be much better and more zine like. I have so many zines now, about 25 of them from all over the place. I have loved most of them and all of them have had something that I've liked in them. I randomly choose them in Etsy and then wait for them to arrive. It's fun when they do. I had one arrive today and I was so excited. It had a cool zine badge too and some awesome simpsoms stamps on the front.

Anyway, I hope you are all travelling okay. I still have a sore back so I find it hard to sit here from long periods at the moment. Please don't feel like I am not keeping up, I am reading what I can but I am not commenting much at the moment. Also a huge hello to my new readers. Thanks for coming along. I hope you enjoy the ride.

*hugs*
Sarah

[edit] here are some pics

The bright and the colourful

Now we can take her places when we need to

Lots of kitty food... this the tuna and the kitten 'loaf' are what she is currently used to. I will change off of some of this when she gets used to us.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

bits and pieces

It's been an interesting few days. I have had my emotions go up and down and all around but I am okay. It started when I realised that Andy's folks were going to be away during the time that Andy was going to be way, so no one to make me feel better for five days alone. This was when the thought of "I wish we could just have a cat" came. We talked back and forth for a few days and it was really hard for me to change Andy's mind, as we really aren't meant to have animals here but I know that lots of other people do that both own and rent the townhouses we live in. So we thought we'd take the risk. I was shocked when Andy said yes and now the idea has him all excited too. I was texted Laylee's current carer and I am amazed at the perfect timing and how we wanted her the day she was going to be moved to another carer because the original one is moving overseas. The current carer, Kayla, today her and I had heaps of text messages while I was at work and I asked her to tell me all the things that Laylee likes so she has the right food and kitty litter and all of that stuff. I am so so excited and we are going to look for somewhere else to live where we can have legitamately. Though we will see if we can keep her here for a while.

The other thing that is good when Andy goes away is two of my friends, Carmen and Jo, from my old horrible job, are going to be there for me and Jo said if I get too freaked out, I can go to her house and bring Laylee and we can stay there while Andy is away. They said that to see how I go and one night call Jo and the next Carmen and so on. I am so so lucky to have awesome friends like them.

Other than that I am in zine land. I am getting new zines in the mail from all over the world every day and I am loving them. I am also definitely going to print on friday and I am very excited about that. Also my mum is taking me around on friday to get all the kitty stuff. That will be awesome and then we will be all ready for when Laylee gets here. I am worried about how she will go without her brother Aniseed, but we really can't get them both. We will have lots of toys for her though, both home made and bought and we will spend lots of time with her. Aparently her current carer Kayla, isn't home much, which she felt bad about, but since she had Aniseed, she was okay. We stay home a lot and don't go out much except for work and home. I think Laylee will love that.

Hope you are all doing well. I am slowly getting back into blogging but my back is still really sore and it hurts and work and then I don't want to have to sit long in my office chair when I am home. Hello to everyone new and thanks for reading. I love knowing that you want to read my babble :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

Here is another photo that Kayla sent me

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Here is my new girl

Well we found a cat. She is a rescue cat and she is 5 months old. Her name is Laylee and she is so cute. We are getting her on Saturday. Sorry this is a short post but I've been up since 3am because I couldn't sleep. So here is what she looks like and hopefully I will be more up to commenting and reading in the morning.

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, September 6, 2010

We are getting a cat

I think I mentioned that we might be getting a cat, a few posts ago. Well, we have decided that we will be getting cat definitely and if we can find one, some time before Andy goes away in a few weeks. I am so excited about it that you can't imagine. It's totally awesome news. The only thing is that it might mean that my zine will be delayed in publishing because we will needing the money for the kitten we plan on buying. I have found a cat refuge that takes in abandoned cats and kittens and I have emailed them to see if they have any kittens there. It looks like we will be purchasing one as soon as possible, so that with Andy being away in a few weeks, I won't be alone. I am so tired tonight so I won't stay on here long because I want to go to bed, which is pretty sad since it's only 7:50pm. I get up so early, 4:45am, that it makes it seem really late to be up by now. Hope you are all doing okay. Sorry I've been so slack lately.

*hugs*
Sarah

Check it out

My Etsy shop which I am so excited about: www.etsy.com/shop/sabby120

Possum Magic

I am about to go to work but I though I share with you a gorgeous possum photo I took last night. I have a few of these but only have had time to put one up before I go. These possums are so tame and Andy pats them and gives them apple, which is what they got last night. They also like banana. They come occasionally but they are just so damn cute.

Mum and her baby that's not so little now

I love how the baby looks like she is looking right at me and love it when they come visiting. They sit there and wait until they are noticed and then they get all fidgetty while we get some fruit for them. 

Have a good monday to those in monday and have go monday tomorrow, those in sunday still.

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, September 5, 2010

zine number two finished and an update

I am so excited about zine number two By the Skin of My Teeth, which is an auto-biographical account of my experiences with mental health issues and experiences in hospital and out in the "normal" world. I had so much fun making it, though one part really made me cry. I sat at my computer writing on part and I just had tears pouring down my face. It is the story of my cat (Sabby, who died in 2007).

From that though came an issue that equally upset me and excited me at the same time. In a few weeks, Andy is going away for work and I will be all alone. I am a little scared about this, well a lot really and so Andy and I are going to put in a request that the body corporate let us have a cat so that I can have company when he is away. Soon he will be consulting again and he could be away for two to three weeks at a time. We are going to ask for it on medical grounds because (a) when I am alone I am more likely to self harm (b) I am more likely to not eat at all (c) when I feel scared I tend to not be rational and I have to think about my job and about keeping it. I don't know if we will be successful, but I hope so. If not, we might talk to the landlord and ask if we can have one in secret and if it comes to it, we might just get one anyway. I really don't want to be here all alone for weeks at a time. We'll see, I'll keep you posted.

On Friday this week is a big day. I find out if I have to stay on the gabapentin for my nerve pain. I think they will be cool with it but we'll see. I am also going to go into the city to print my zine, so Friday afternoon I will be collating and stapling again. This one will not have so much colour pages, just one double sided. This zine, including the cover is 40 pages, mostly written. I am so proud of myself that I did this in two weeks. The first one took a week, but it was easy because I had all the material. This one was harder because everything is new, even the three poems. All the rest are short stories. So excited! Can you tell.

I am sorry that I have been slack with reading and commenting lately. It's only been because I've been trying to put this zine together and I was in serious writers mood. I don't know what I'll do next, probably do some new designs for cards and put them up and slowly work on zine three. I am not sure though what zine three will consist of. It will be a slower process, at least until I come up with an idea. I was lucky with the first two that the info was all there, just need to put it together. I have also had fun putting all the Christmas cards together to sell on Etsy. I have now listed each design separately, so that if you like one design more than another, you pre-order them and I will get them to you within a week or two. They are really easy to make, it's just that I need to get the materials ordered to do them. They need specific things that can go in my die-cutting machine. I have just ordered 20 12x12 inch sheets of the right card, which would make 40 cards, just in case I get some orders and the company I order from are really quick. You can see the items in my etsy store here: http://www.etsy.com/shop/sabby120.

Wow, an epic post. Okay, I am off to have dinner now. Have a great Sunday :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

P.S.  Welcome to my new readers and followers. I hope you enjoy the chaos, lol!

Just what I like in a cat :-)

Saturday, September 4, 2010

New cards on Etsy

I have just listed my new original Christmas card design on Etsy for anyone interested. They come in a set of four and are 5x5 inch sqaure cards. Here is what they look like.





They each come with their own cream coloured envelope as well. If you're interested you can go to http://www.etsy.com/listing/55486463/layered-christmas-cards. I would also consider making several of the same design for anyone interested.

~Sarah~

focusing on the positives

I can sit here and dwell and complain about how badly I am struggling with my eating disorder thoughts right now. Or I can say to you all that I came up with over twenty ideas for short stories for my new zine that I am hoping to go to print with next weekend. This one is going to be completely different in a way. It will focus on my hospital admissions for BPD and bipolar and the funny stories that I remember. It will also depict the stories of this years struggles with depression earlier this year. I will write some old stories too, with a couple about my cat and his role in keeping me out of hospital. It will be about the struggles I've had with other patients with mental health problems who I have met in hospital and who, some of them, have wrecked havoc for a short time.There is also the near miss that I took when I nearly ended up in an abusive relationship. I haven't decided yet which stories will definitely make it but I will also have a few things of Bella and the Boys. There will be some drawings and there will be some photos, but not too many photos, at current count, I think it will be four only, plus the one on the front cover. I am still deciding on a name for the new zine, or whether I call it the same, "Pictures and Words" but have it as issue two. It will have pictures and it will have words, so it does fit, but I would like a new name anyway. So instead of drowning in ED, I am going to drown myself in zine. Plus I got the book "The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets' Nest". I already had it but it was a large paperback and I couldn't hold it. So I will most likely give that oen to someone. I also bought the movie "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo", which I am excited about because I loved the book. So that's my Saturday morning but it's only 9:30am. It feels like lunch time because I woke up just after 5am. To clarify though about the eating disorder, although I am struggling, I am eating 5 meals a day. I know last night was not good, but I am trying to mend my ways with salad for dinner. I think from now on I will only have it if I have a serve of meat with it and not just a mouthful either. The other thing I have to stop is throwing things away. I will beat this, it will just take time.

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, September 3, 2010

the continued fight and a bit about the zine

Right now I am having a daily fight with food and my thoughts. I think I won today's fight well and still managed to get a really good amount of healthy food down and even managed some other stuff that I was surprised about myself. The first challenge was morning tea. Every Friday my faculty has a morning tea and one section does the morning teas each week on a rotational basis. This week there was a lot of nice food. I had a piece of chocolate cake and a vegetable samosa. I wasn't too happy about the chocoate cake or the samosa and so then I have the thoughts I have to battle for several hours and yes, there were a few thoughts of going up to the bathrooms on level 5 and puking my guts up. I didn't though and I was happy about that, but I was feeling especially fat after that. I had a diet coke not long after I came back and I don't know if I actually wanted it or if my brain was saying, have a diet coke, that will make you feel like someone that doesn't eat fatty foods. I had one and it didn't make me feel any better.

Then it's lunch time and on the way to refectory, I ditch my sandwich. I did allow myself though to go to the salad bar and I had a big salad and a small bit of ham with it and no dressing. I know I was giving into the ED but seriously, I had a huge salad and I had some cheese and some ham in it and it was yum and it filled me up. I also had another diet coke (I have to get onto this addiction again) and a pint pattie coated in a thin layer of chocolate. There is nothing to these and are hardly any calories, but they taste nice and they help me to not crave junk food later, which helps with the thoughts and did I say they are nice. So at about 3pm I want to eat. Probably because I didn't eat enough at lunch. I go to the refectory and I get a packet of veggie potato chips (I actually really don't know if they are potato, I don't think so, but you get my drift). I check the kilojoules and mentally work out the calories (not a good sign) and then I check the potato chips which are twice the calories and I grab my sour cream vege chips and I eat them. I feel bad about eating them, so I compromise. I will only have a salad for dinner. I can see this is getting out of control but feel a little powerless due to the strength of the thoughts.

I get on the train to come home and I convince Andy that we could have frozen dinners tonight because I am not hungry. By the time I get off the train I have a better idea, I'll have a salad (um, didn't I say that). I tell Andy it's because it will be really good for me because of the constipation I have again and get lots of extras like grape tomatoes, alpha alpha sprouts, cucumber and an already made up salad but I would be removing a few things and adding the rest. I also did have a bit of chicken with it but such a small amount that it's hardly worth mentioning. I did enjoy the salad and when I say salad, it was enormous. I felt full afterwards but I then got worried about drinking anything more, even though it was a diet mineral water, because of how heavy liquid would make me. I also missed out on a mini chocolate bar and this was something I did want but I forgot I had the last one last night and so when we were shopping for the salad, I didn't think about it. I just assumed we had some. This is on indulgence I can give myself every night and right now it's a mini twirl (when we get more) because they stop me from binging.

So overall, I can see that my eating disorder behaviour is amping up a lot. I really do see that. I can see how much it has taken over my life. I don't want to live like this, I really really don't. But I'm terrified. I don't know how to stop that fear that has slowly crept back into my life. I know one thing though, that I always weigh on saturdays. I feel like once that is over and done with and even if I can stop it altogether, then I will relax. I hope. I really really hope so. I don't want to live like this. I can focus on other things and one thing is my new zine. I am nearly half way through writing it and I am enjoying it too. I am going to try and do that tomorrow in the morning and I am going to go out for coffee in the morning. I must get back to where I was two weeks ago. How could I have lost such control in under two weeks. This has only started about a week ago and I can't believe just how much it has leeched back in in just that time and how hard it is making my life.

I want to be normal again and I know how to do that. I just have to believe in myself and to believe that I can do this. The good thing is that I am actually a normal weight. So I don't have to worry yet about that but I will soon if I am not careful and if I don't get on top of it and dammit, why do I care so much what weight I am. I am not big, not at all. I must get that through my head.

*hugs*
Sarah

I wish my head would shut up

Thursday, September 2, 2010

In response

Okay, sorry guys that I can't read posts tonight. I have a very very sore back, so I am going to go rest it. I hope you are all doing okay and I will check back with you all tomorrow morning. This post is just responding to comments in my last post. You are all awesome (yes, even those of you who don't comment) thank you all for reading. Sometimes I think I am as exciting as bat shit, lol!

mariposai/Sarah - I agree with the structure eating. It has helped me over the last few days and thanks for the vote of confidence. I wish I had as much in myself as you do in me. I can only keep trying. Oh by the way, I am part the way through zine two. I have written three poems and three stories. This time I am going to save them for the zine and not release them online first. Then all the material will be new :-)

Bippidee - you are certainly not stupid at all. A mint pattie is basically a circle of mint just smaller than the palm of your hand and it has a small coating of chocolate on it. I find when I allow myself these small things, I feel better about eating to a meal plan. I actually have one every day. It also staves off binges because I never want more except occasionally.

NOS - Thanks so much for the support. I really value it and it makes me feel heaps better when I'm struggling.

Eating Alone - I know the voices will quiet down and then get loud and then go quiet again. They usually go quiet when I am doing what they want but I can ignore them sometimes when I'm ignoring them too.

Jen Daisybee - Thanks Jen. I think for me, telling people how I feel helps a lot. If it helps others too that is awesome but I must say my getting things out is selfish in a way. I love to talk and I like that people listen, getting out of my mind is just a bonus. Thanks for reading.

Angela - I also wonder if the thoughts will ever go away or if I will still be fighting them when I'm 70. I must admit that scares me because I feel like I have spent half my life with these kinds of thoughts and when they're not there, I have to deal with the BPD or the bipolar. It's very tiring.

Jane - yes I understand the bipolar stuff too, as I have it also. Like I said to Angela, I feel like it's always either ED or BPD or bipolar. My head is never quiet. It's very frustrating sometimes. I once had a quiet head for just one day and that was the day I started gabapentin for nerve pain. It was so quiet that it felt really weird and I didn't know what to do, lol. I can't win :-P

Jennifer - I actually don't get withdrawals from seroquel. I have been on and off it now for about 6 years. I am on a rather large dose and have just recently gone from 800mg to 600mg. I didn't notice any change in how I felt though I noticed I stopped falling asleep on the train to work (which is always a bonus of course, lol) and was more alert and I've also had trouble sleeping again. I'm not sure what to suggest. If you have gone from a high dose maybe that's why. I am not sure just because I don't tend to get the same issues with medication as others. I don't get side effects and I don't get withdrawals. I am lucky I guess.

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

not giving up

I'd like to say that I am not giving up on recovery. I am just going back to a meal plan. I am eating five meals a day, so please don't worry that I have relapsed. It's more the thoughts won't leave me alone and they're there every second of the day. Sometimes you just go so tired of listening to them that it feels like it would just be easier to give in. I am weighing myself a bit but I am still eating. At the moment I am letting this happen because I am too tired to try and fight that and if I am eating five meals a day and I mean proper meals, not just snacks. For example for lunch today I had an egg sandwich, a banana, a can of diet coke and a mint pattie. This is not bothering me. I am enjoying it in a way because before I had gotten into eating junk food and I wasn't eating really good stuff. Now I am eating more healthy and I am having breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack and dinner. I think I am doing really well food wise, even though I am fighting the thoughts. I made my own lunch today but I threw it out on the way to work, which was a sandwich and an apple for lunch and I would still have bought the mint pattie and diet coke, but I made myself buy lunch since I threw it out. So even though I am struggling with my thoughts, I am still not giving in to them. Except the weighing. I will fight that battle soon, I really will but I can't just now.

Thank you to everyone for all your support, it's really been awesome. I have my iphone at work with me and I get your messages as they come through. It's really nice to know you are all there. I will beat this and I guess these things happen but I won't let it destroy my recovery. It might just take a little bit longer than I had hoped. Oh, yeah, on another good note, I sold another zine today, yay me. That made me feel good.

*hugs*
Sarah

crossroads

Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. So I am at a crossroad right now. I have two choices and I'm not sure which one I want to take. I know which one I should take but getting my ED thoughts to shut up for a moment is not an easy thing. I can either go forward and recover, accept my body size how it is, which isn't bad at all or I can go down the road I am going by letting the ED win and go down the path of relapse. I wish there wasn't a crossroad at all and that I would just be happy in my own skin but I'm not happy. I don't hate mysef, but I don't like my body the way it is. I wish I did, I really do. I don't know what it's going to take to get to that point. I just don't know anymore.

*hugs*
Sarah