Sunday, October 31, 2010

Today/Tomorrow

Today has been all over the place. I've seen Andy, which was good, he bought me some more stuff but I was happy to see my paper trimmer and a heap of maps to cut up fit my new zine. I have cried, slept and occasionally smiled and I'm gearing up for my first day tomorrow of group. I will go to at least one and I will see my psychiatrist and see what she has to say. I will work on my zine. I will try and start putting in a plan of getting well. I want to be better and happy! I miss Missy. No kitty cuddles since Friday. I'm glad I had Andy cuddles today. I have had no internet today. The signal here is shit, so will post again when I can. Miss your blogs!

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, October 30, 2010

the ward, the zine

I am finding this place a really good place to feel when you feel like shit. The ward itself is really nice and the nurses so far seem okay. I haven't met my doctor yet, that will most likely happen on monday. I finally found a spot where my modem works. There is no signal in my room, which sucks. But hey, I am thankful I can have my little laptop at all.

I have been writing away at my new zine and have decided to make the third issue of By the Skin of My Teeth a very special issue. Besides the fact that it will be the hospital issue, I am aiming at 64 pages, cut and paste onto a background of maps of my city. I think it will look really awesome and will be very time consuming. I will most likely write and then email what I have done so far to Andy and get him to print it and bring it in and I can do that all in hospital. It's a lot of work but I think it will be worth it in the end.

As to how I am going. I am not socialising at all. I don't talk to anyone and as soon as a meal is over I race to my room and lay down. I am tired and want to sleep and did last night when I had had dinner. I got straight into bed and fell asleep straight away at 6:45pm. I had to be woken up for meds and then I couldn't get back to sleep because I was awake then and had to ask for meds to go to sleep again.

I don't know what I'll do today, just stay in my room most like. I have some DVD TV series with me, Medium, season three and Veronica Mars, season two. So that should keep me out of trouble. Plus I have two zines to read that can in the mail the other day.

I don't think I am going to be able to keep up with blogs, just simply because of the lack of signal. I don't even know if this will save. I will try though. I haven't forgotten any of you. OH and welcome to my new readers, I appreciate you coming along for the ride.

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, October 29, 2010

I made it

I made it safe to hospital and this place is amazing. I've only ever gone to state hospitals before, so there is no comparison really. Just wanted you all to know I am safe. I have written one page of By the Skin of My Teeth 3. Hopefully it will be an interesting issue!

*hugs*
Sarah

i don't need to say goodbye for a while

because when I go into hospital today at 2pm, I can take my laptop in too. Isn't that awesome!!! I am so happy about that. I can work on the new issue of By the Skin of My Teeth that is only a small seed at the moment and has a long way to go before it matures into the zine I want it to be. I just know that I want to write it in hospital. I'm not sure when it will go to print because of the being in hospital print and I'd like to take my time on it. It will most likely be stories of while I am in hospital.

So I have to leave home here by 1:15pm and my admission interview being at 2pm seems so far away. My stomach is clenching a little. Oh and I lost a fair bit of weight in the last week without even doing anything. I remember reading that pristiq can cause weight loss. Anyway, I will update you all later, hopefully when I am in hospital and settle in a little. I hope you all have a good Thursday/Friday.

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, October 28, 2010

if nothing goes wrong

this time tomorrow night I will be back in hospital, but this time a private hospital that I have been waiting to get a bed at all week. The person that does the intake told me that he is reasonably confident that there will be a bed for me tomorrow, I just really hope this is the case. I am not sure I can hang on much longer. If I have to wait until monday I will go out of my mind. I guess I will find out in the morning. If I do go in though, I most likely won't get to update for a bit. So don't worry if you don't hear from me for a while. I will update when I can.

I hope you all stay safe and well and if you hear from me tomorrow, it will most likely mean I have not gotten a bed yet or that I am nervous in the morning.

*hugs*
Sarah

the joys of cats

I decided not to write about my depression today but to talk about Missy. She made me cringe several times yesterday because she was playing with something, leaping in the air and jumping all around and I take a bit of a look at what she is playing with and I realise it is a lizard tail. I was so grossed out but I knew I had to pick it up and put it in the bin. She is a total indoor cat but I think the lizards come under the garage door, so that's how she got the tail.

Then a few more hours goes by and she is still acting weird and I go look reluctantly and I find the body of the lizard. My old boy never caught things, so I haven't had to deal with this before, but I was horrified. I had to pick the blasted thing up and get rid of it. Missy then went around for ages trying to find it. If only that were it. A few hours later I was sitting in the bean bag chatting to Andy while he cooked and I noticed that Missy was running round and round the bean bag. Andy came over and sure enough, she had another lizard. Luckily we caught the poor thing and let it outside.

This morning she is on my lap, like a good little kitty and as I'm typing, nudging my hand up so it ends up on her head so I have to keep patting her. She is beyond cute. I love her so much and I'm so glad we got her, but I don't look forward to finding lizard bodies all over the place, poor things. She is so quick too that I understand how she catches them but I hate how she just played with it until it died. Poor me.

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

hospital on friday

I heard back from the hospital I am going into that my admission will take place on Friday. I am really happy that it is this week and that I don't have to wait it out until Monday. There is a slim possibility that this still may happen but that guy I spoke to said he was reasonably confident that I would be admitted on Friday. I have slept all day today. I took some seroquel this morning as I was really stressed about whether I would be accepted to go to this hospital and so when they finally did ring I was relieved.

Nothing much else to report except the complete and utter lack of creativity, not even a zine on the go. I can't concentrate or think properly. I am stressed to the max. I am feeling lots of feelings about dumping my doctor of 13 years and basically am going into hospital with no psychiatrist. I've never had that happen before, so I don't feel that great about it. I have no one to come out of hospital to take over my care. I am hoping that there is a doctor in the hospital that I can see once I get discharged.

I hope all of you are going okay or at least better than me. I most likely won't be able to keep up with your blogs much over the next little while, so please forgive me. I also don't know how much I will get to post, but I will try.

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

going back into hospital

I have had a referral sent by a doctor I saw this morning to a private mental health unit in Brisbane. I am just waiting to find out when I am going to be admitted. It will most likely be sometime this week. I have decided to fire Dr M. I am not happy with his response to my depression and how long it has taken him to actually allow me a medication change for depression. I have been seeing him for a long time, thirteen years and I think it's time for a change. I feel so out of control right now it's not funny. I don't feel safe and it's time I got all this sorted out.

I spoke to work this morning, I actually went in and I told Julie everything and cried in front of her and she said my job will be there when I get out of hospital. She even gave me a big hug. I am so amazed by this. I have never had such amazing bosses before. She basically said there were policies that stated she can't fire me because I am sick and that the job is mine and I do an awesome job when I am "on fire" as she put it. She told me not to worry about work, to just worry about me and to get better.

I am hoping the admission will help me get on the right meds and find a new doctor. I am hoping to get rid of all the shit that I still carry over the bullying I had happen last year. I need to work hard to be as well I as I can possibly be. I am just waiting for that call to tell me when I need to present. I hope it's sooner rather than later but knowing I am going there, is helping a bit already.

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, October 24, 2010

up, down and all over the place

This afternoon I was trying to create a card and I was thinking about work and I just started to cry. I dropped down on the floor and started bawling my eyes out. I can't seem to stay in one mood for too long. I am all over the place. I am back at work tomorrow and I am worried that I am not going to be able to cope. I feel like it's too much, that it's too hard. I feel pressured in a way because I know that Andy finishes his job this week and I know that although we have money, I can't just quit my job.

Maybe I am just feeling funny because of the uncertainty of how Steve, my actual boss, who comes back from China tomorrow and probably doesn't know I've been in hospital most of last week and doesn't know that I haven't gotten further in the timetable/class schedules for semester one next year yet. I worry that he won't think I am doing a good enough job. I know though he won't think that, that these are my thoughts and my worries and my own expectations I have on myself. I don't know why I do this. Push myself so hard. This afternoon I told Andy how I felt. I told him that I felt like I had a lot of pressure on me and he said to see how I go and we will re-evaulate the situation in a few weeks.

I know I put pressure on myself. I must stop. I have felt sort of trapped all day because of it and then that made me feel like I couldn't do anything. All I have done is read a zine that I got last week and sewn the bindings on one on my new zines that I printed yesterday along with the second issue of By the Skin of My Teeth. This zine, The Chapters Between was fun to write and I was hoping to start another zine but am all fresh out of ideas at the moment. I think my worry about my job has also stalled my creativity in making zines, which makes me feel sad in a way because I love love love making zines and I love reading other people's zines.

That's why I talk so much about them, because they make me happy. It's funny, I counted how many zines I have coming on the way that I ordered on Etsy and I have 16 on their way to me. I never thought I'd find something that makes me so happy. Even talking about it now is turning my mood around. It's just everywhere, the mood I mean. I just want to be happy and live a normal, everyday, go to work, come home, have fun, write zines and create, life. That is my goal. To create and be happy. I wish this were my life all the time now, instead of sudden tears and bouts of deep depression and then other times of feeling happy and normal. Maybe it's just that the medication is still kicking in and I will feel all that soon. I hope so. I really do.

You know I have to say it, lol, but you can find my zines in my Etsy Shop http://www.etsy.com/shop/sabby120.

*hugs*
Sarah

depressed the whole year

I have started to realise that I must have been suffering from depression pretty much the whole year but because Dr M wouldn't prescribe an anti-d beause he was worried about mania, I never got better. I am noticing the difference even in little things like going grocery shopping, where I have more control over my mood when people are in the way or rude, whereas before the anti-d I was always pissed off and irritable and got cranky then felt bad that I got cranky in the first place. I am noticing a lot of differences. I am not dreading the day or wanting to go to sleep all the time. I am so happy that the tablets are working.

It's nice to feel happy.

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, October 23, 2010

It's ready

So I finally finished and printed the second issue of By the Skin of My Teeth. I am happy with the way it printed and I think it came out okay. I am still to finish the binding of the other little zine I did but if you are interested in this issue, which is about depression, my story with it and some techniques that I use to help me for both depression and anxiety, you can get it here at my Etsy shop: http://www.etsy.com/listing/59719705/by-the-skin-of-my-teeth-issue-two.


I am off to have dinner with Andy's parents tonight and I'm really looking forward to it. It's funny how getting your meds right, makes you feel so much better. I have been really tired still but that is probably from being in hospital and all the all over the place emotions this week. Thankfully I am out of hospital because hospital on the weekends, is so boring.

*hugs*
Sarah

P.S. waves to new readers :-)

Friday, October 22, 2010

it's working

I went to work today for about two hours but I got really dizzy and felt a little faint. After sitting down for a few minutes, I fixed up stuff that needed to be done today and then I went home and slept all afternoon. Maybe coming out of hospital took more out of me than I thought. Everyone is saying though that I look heaps better. So that is awesome. I must have really looked depressed before. I did tell work a white lie though because I didn't them to know I was in hospital because I was suicidal. I told them I went toxic on my medication and had to go on new meds. I know that is really bad but it's the only thing I could think of after Andy dumped me in it by telling them initially I'd had an adverse reaction to medication. I've been lithium toxic before, so I know the symptoms. Maybe this makes me a really bad person by telling themt this.

I really think the tablets are working, as I don't feel depressed now. I also don't feel manic, so that is awesome. I am so glad about that. Tomorrow I am finally printing my two zines I have ready to go and having a look around the city. I am just feeling so positive about life right now, that I can't believe where I was a week ago and how I felt. It's indescribable. Oh and for my birthday I am getting blonde foils in my hair and I am so excited about that. My birthday is on November 16 I'm looking forward to that too.

I also had the cutest little snuggles with Missy. She slept with me all afternoon and at one point she was standing on my tummy purring her little heart out and I fell asleep again. She was so smoochy. I have come to realise that I am in love with this little cat. She is just a little darling and I have finally let my old boy Sabby go. She is so different from him and I can see that so clearly. I just want to cuddle when I see her, especially when she is smoochy.

This was taken just after I woke up on my iphone

*hugs*
Sarah

The winner is...

I put the names of all of you who put in for the giveaway on a bit of paper and screwed it up in a ball and then I juggled them around and one of them fell on the floor so I picked it up knowing that this person was the winner (who dramatic am I, lol) and it was David from Eat for Fun. I'm sorry for those of you who missed out but I think David will need these things as things aren't going to well for his dad right now.

I am still feeling good and I'm all ready to go back to work today. It feels surreal that I was even in hospital, which is good because it means that I don't want to be there. I have Missy on my lap and I missed her so much . She is such a cute kitty. Aparently while I was gone, in the mornings when she is on my lap, she sat at the back glass door and cried because Andy sits outside with his coffee and smoke and he makes his lists of things he needs to do and such. It's really nice to be home.

I hope you all have a groovy friday, when it comes around for you :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I'm home

Well I finally got out of hospital this morning and I'm so glad that I'm home. I have Missy on my lap and it's just nice to be away from all the hospital stuff. I started to try and think of ways to stay in hospital, so that's when I knew it was time to leave, it had become too comfortable. So I plucked up the courage to speak to my doctor and I asked to leave. I expected him to say no but he said yes. I felt a little unsure afterwards but then I rang my mum and she came down and brought me home. Andy will be home later and of course there is little Missy. I was so happy to see her and my mum was really happy to meet her. She is such a good cat. The really awesome thing is that I have finally been able to separate myself from my old boy Sabby and Missy and I don't expect her to do the same things anymore. As for my depression, I feel the pristiq is finally starting to work. I go back to work tomorrow but my boss has said that if I'm not up to it, that's fine, I can come back on monday, but I just want to get everything back to normal and going one day and then having two days off, sounds like a good way to ease back into things. I have a medical certificate anyway if I feel I can't go tomorrow, but I think I will, I'd like to anyway.

As for the giveaway, I will draw it in the morning when I wake up. So one more change guys. You get to win a copy of my new zine By the Skin of My Teeth issue two, a copy of my mindfulness CD I use, that I think is awesome and a copy of the DBT cards I made myself to remind myself of things to do when I felt awful and needed a visual reminder. These are what some of the cards look like http://thislunaticexpress.blogspot.com/2010/04/homework-from-cecily.html.

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

still going

I'm doing okay. I had to go see my private psychiatrist this morning, as the doctors here made me keep the appointment but I had to be back by lunch time. Which I managed to do. I also got some zine making stuff while I was in the city, so I can find a little place to sit and make zines while I'm here. I'm excited about that. I am feeling a little better today, though am feeling horribly guilty about not being at work. I rang Julie, my boss before, and she was fine, but I still keep thinking that maybe she was only pretending to be okay with me being here. It's not like I decided that this would be better than being at home but still, it makes me feel bad that I am letting down my workmates again.

I only get short visits here, to the caffateria but it's good to be able to keep up with all of you and let you know how I'm doing. I also got told to practice what I preach today by Dr M because I haven't been using my DBT skills when they are needed most. So point taken Dr M, you don't write a zine about it and then not follow it!!!! So my ipod is recharging now and I can use my CD, I don't have my cards though, they are at home unfortunately. I hoep you are all well and doing fine and I hope to be back home and back on track as soon as I can. I miss Andy and Missy really badly though. I saw Andy for all of 15 minutes this morning between one appointment and the next and he and I both had to go. I miss him alot. At least I get to talk to him lots. There is a funny story about Missy I heard this morning and since I am about to run out of money I had best tell you next time. Be kind to yourselves, I have been reminded of that one too!

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

admitted

I've been admitted to hospital again. This time due to the depression and the increased amount of horrible thoughts and the starting to feel suicidal. I will only be in for a short stay until friday and they have increased my pristiq to 100mg. I have been feeling so down lately that it's just been too much to bear and I couldn't cope anymore. On a positive note I feel more settled here because I know I am safe and I won't hurt myself here. I also have a really nice doctor who has been chatting to Dr M and they want me to keep my appointment with Dr M tomorrow and then come back to hospital. I won't unfortunately get to print my zine tomorrow but will do it on saturday instead. So in light of my being in hospital, I am extending my giveaway until friday morning aussie time and I will draw it then.

One thing that I did want to show you all though for those of you that don't know what my flash cards are, have a look at some of them here http://thislunaticexpress.blogspot.com/2010/04/homework-from-cecily.html. I don't think this post has all of them, but only half of them. But these are what I am talking about when I say flash cards. So for those of you who are now interested, you can win a copy of my new zine called By the Skin of My Teeth issue two, a copy of a mindfulness CD that I find really helpful (particularly "Leaves on a Stream") and a copy of these flash cards in colour on card paper.

I am okay, so please don't all worry about me. I am going to try and come up with another zine while I am in here. I will have to have a think and I'll buy a notebook and take notes. I will try and come up here as much as I can so that I can keep blogging while I am in hospital. I love that they have these computers. I have my iphone taken off me when I'm on the ward, but I can get it again when I am up here.

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, October 18, 2010

I must stay positive

Because I've been feeling so crap lately, I have had the most depressing posts or it feels that way. I'm trying to follow some of these techniques I talk about in my zine that is about depression. If I'm going to say it's good, why am I not trying to use them. There is an easy answer to that. Although I know how to help myself, the depression is such that I don't think of anything but feeling depressed.

So now I am going to make a conscious effort to try and help myself. I need to at least start seeing some positives, so here goes!

* I had oatmeal for breakfast and I enjoyed it
* Missy slept on my lap for nearly an hour and she was all purring and cute
* Andy makes me happy, just looking at him makes my heart melt
* I have amazing workmates and awesome bosses
* It is only two days until I print my next two zines
* I am having a latte and banana bread soon

That does make me feel better, so I am going to try and do this every time I feel awful. I can do this!

*hugs*
Sarah

a new day

I am sitting here with little Missy on my lap. Right now I feel okay. I went to be so early last night, at 7:30pm and pretty much slept right though. I hope the day goes fast. I think that's when I have the most problems is when I am at work and it goes slow and I feel like it's so unbearable that I have to get away. I hate those thoughts because I know I can't get away and that I am stuck there at my desk until it's time to go home. I have already been given enough concessions by being given a day off in the middle of the week. It doesn't seem fair then, to take day off or go home sick when I'm not, it's just that my feelings of depression feel so unbearable right at that moment that I can't in anyway cope with feeling like that anymore.

It's frustrating and annoying as I know a while ago I was coping better until this depression got worse. I feel like the most morose person on the planet at the moment and I don't want to say these things because I worry that people here will get sick of my complaining about my depression once again. I have to think of another zine to write and then that would keep me busy at least. I can't think of one though.

Sorry to mention it once again but don't forget to have a go at the giveaway of By the Skin of My Teeth issue two (about my experiences with depression and some techniques I use to help myself), a mindfulness CD and the DBT flash cards I created to remind me what to do when I am in the moment of depression/anxiety. Just leave me a comment on any post, saying you'd like to win and one winner will be drawn on Wednesday evening Australian time, so Wednesday morning on the other side of the hemisphere.

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, October 17, 2010

this and that

Today has been an okay day, though I have had periods of depression as well. I haven't stopped eating and it's really starting to bother me. I'm going to end up like a hippo if I don't put a lid of this soon. I've been like this for a week now and I just crave junk food or any food really, just food. My intake has increased dramatically. I don't know if it's the depression or what. My anti-d isn't meant to be one of those one that causes the weight gain as it's main side effect but since I've been on it, I've eaten more. I am on Pristiq. I think it's probably just the depression, like me wanting to sleep all the time. So I am hoping that when I start to feel better (I'm still waiting for that) I go back to normal.

The last week though my depression has been at it's worst in a while. I have just wanted to find a hole and crawl into it and never face the world again. I am dreading work again tomorrow. I just want to stay home and do my zines, which seems to be the only thing (besides Andy and Missy) that make me feel any better at all. It's such a feeling of accomplishment when I've completed one. This weekend I have completed two. But I've been writing both of them for a week already. I love it and it really does make me feel better.

So now that I've said that, you can win a copy of one of these zines By the Skin of My Teeth issue two, which is about depression, my story with depression and then how I deal with it, the techniques I use can be used for both anxiety and depression. You can also win a mindfulness CD that I love and use when I'm feeling horrible and a copy of my DBT flash cards. All three of these items will be given away to one person on Wednesday night Australian time, so that is Wednesday morning in the northern hemisphere. I hope you all enter, you just need to leave me a comment saying that you want to win, on any post between now and Wednesday.

I just hope that some of these techniques help me more soon. I hate being depressed and I know no one wants to be depressed, but I just hate the worthless feelings that I get. It's only 7:10pm and I will be in bed soon. Actually the thought of bed makes me feel really good. I know I shouldn't give in, but I don't want to be awake. Life is so much easier asleep at the moment.

*hugs*
Sarah

P.S. Welcome to my new readers and commenters. I'm glad that you are all out there reading. I'm sorry I'm not more cheerful right now. I hope you all join in the giveaway fun :-)

10 Random Photos

Even though today has not been the best so far, nothing bad has happened, I just don't feel 100%, so I thought I'd do 10 random photos to cheer myself up. Plus I had a citrus tart when I went out to coffee on my own a while ago and that was nice. Here are the pics.

Does this make me a nerd ;-)

The master of By the Skin of My Teeth issue 2, waiting to be copied

The secret (not now) hiding place for all my zine masters

Relegated to the drawers, where they are safe from a little kitty

My hair dyed, it went a bit orangey on the top

What Andy plans to poke his students with to move them along into their exam room this week. He is always joking with them and they seem to like that.

Demon cat, ready to pounce

Books

More books

And even more books

Don't forget to have a go at the giveaway of By the Skin of My Teeth issue two (about my experiences with depression and some techniques I use to help myself), a mindfulness CD and the DBT flash cards I created to remind me what to do when I am in the moment of depression/anxiety. Just leave me a comment on any post between now and then, saying you'd like to win and one winner will be drawn on Wednesday evening Australian time, so Wednesday morning on the other side of the hemisphere.

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, October 16, 2010

a good girly day

I had a good day today. My friend Dawn came over and we chatted and she dyed my hair and it was just really good to see her. I have missed her so much, but it's funny how you don't realise it until you see someone you haven't seen in a while. This morning I finished zine number six. This one is issue two of By the Skin of My Teeth which will be printed on Wendesday on my day off. It is basically about depression and the things I do to keep it at bay. Some of my DBT techniques.

First things first though, to everyone that entered my zine giveaway, I am happy to say that since only four of you entered, you all win a zine. So Chrysalis you win By the Skin of My Teeth issue one and Jen, Lil and Sarah, you win a copy of My Baggy Pants each. To those of you, Chrysalis and Jen, did you want to email me where to post the zines and I will get them in the post next week. You can email me at sairs@netspace.net.au.

I have some cute pictures too of Missy that I only just took. She was all snoozy on the couch just after we took the photo for the cover of the zine. Who doesn't like cute kitty photos (hmm, I guess people who don't like cats) but I'm putting them in anyway :-)

Right in the middle of a yawn and next to her mousie

Just a bit too close, he he

Sleepy girl

EXCITING NEWS
Now to the exciting news. I was going to announce this on wednesday with the unveiling on my new zine but have deciding to start it now anyway. So here's the deal, with the unveiling of my new 1/2 size (A5) zine, that has 32 pages black and white and a light blue cover with a cool photograph on it and since it is techniques in dealing with depression using DBT type skills, I am going to offer one person the chance to not only win a copy of the zine, but they will also win a copy of the mindfulness CD and a copy of my DBT flash cards that I made earlier this year with my digital scrapbooking techniques. All you have to do is tell me (a) that you'd like to win it and (b) why you would like to win it. It doesn't matter if you are overseas from Australia, because this one, if enough of you enter, will go into a hat and will be drawn out randomly. You can start commenting on any post from now on and I will remind you all a few times that the giveaway is on. The person will be chosen on Wednesday night.

Good luck and I really hope you all enter. The mindfulness CD is awesome and I really hate those kind of CDs normally. 

*hugs*
Sarah

one up and one down

I am currently experiencing mood swings, not the dramatic ones but the getting better ones. Where you know that you anti-d's are starting to work but they have not completely kicked in yet. So you have some time where you feel okay, you feel happy even and then you have other parts of the day where you feel a little down and want to sleep because it's easier to just sleep instead of processing what is going on. I am over-sleeping nearly every day at the moment, nearly 10 hours sleep a night.

I think I am doing alright, but I struggle the most at work. Work time is the time that I find the hardest as I have large chunks of time where I just can't handle being there but I can't not be there. I must stay as I have wednesdays off and I am not meant to be taking sick days unless I really am sick. I feel stuck sometimes when I'm there and that is hard. I am happy, mostly, when I am home but still feel the need to sleep a lot. I am over-eating too. I have an increased appetite which only came on recently. This stresses me out as well. I don't like it. I don't want to be fat. I know I am not currently fat but I am worried I am on the way to being there.

The only thing I can seem to do is make zines. I like the process of making them. So I have two on the go at the moment. I finished one of them the other night and then decided that I don't want that zine in the format it was in. So I swapped them and swapped which one was which. So issue two of By the Skin of My Teeth will come out soon I hope, as it's the one I am working on right now. It is about depression but also the techniques I use (when I use them) to help myself feel better and to get through the day. Then I have the other zine, which is about all the places I've lived at in Australia. It will be a 1/4 sized zine in a style I haven't done before. The binding will also be sewn. Something else I've not done before. This zine is going to be the mini series of zines on things in my life that are not about mental health. May be quirky facts about my life or things I view around. This series is called The Chapters Between. So all the inbetween bits and pieces.

So I appologise if I go on about my zines too much. It's just that I love them. Oh and talking about zines, I will do the draw later on today for the five people that will win one and I will post the names up either later on today or tomorrow morning.

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, October 14, 2010

feeling okay is good

I slept in today by accident and normally this would have sent me into a tail spin for the rest of the day. My alarm that is on my iphone wasn't on so I was half an hour late getting up. The good thing is that I usually get up and hour and a half before I have to leave for work. So it didn't really matter and I felt more rested. I am feeling happy today too and I don't know why, which is kind of nice to just be happy. It's also going to be a fine day finally after all this rain we've had lately. We can get some clothes dry. I just basically have lots of positive thoughts floating around in my head. YAY for positive thoughts. Thank you so much to all of you who read and commented on my last few posts during my feelings of depression. Thanks to Clueless who is thinking of putting my zines on her other website, that would be awesome thanks. Hello to new readers, come and say hello, I promise I won't bite! Well not too hard anyway, he he he. I hope that I continue to have more days like that. That would be awesome. Maybe the anti-d's are finally starting to work. The good thing too is that it is a gentle happiness, not the manic happy I usually get. I hope you all have awesome days/nights wherever you are in the world.

*hugs*
Sarah

P.S. I have to say it, don't forget my zine giveaway, which you can read about here

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

not completely rational

I just spent about 20 minutes trying to convince Andy that I needed to weigh myself so that I can report to Dr M how much weight I've put on due to the zyprexa and how if it keeps up, not that I cared right now but that it could cause me to relapse in my ED at some point when I panic about the number. Now I am not going to say the number but I was looking at myself and thinking I am absolutely enormous and after the depressing day I was going to see a huge number. This was partly because I had a big junk food day. So Andy agreed I could weigh myself but only if he looked at the number and then told me it. So I agreed. I am pretty much exactly the same as the last time I weighed myself, so now I am worrying about something that is not happening. I had a look at myself in the mirror and I look normal. Thanks to the ED I had about 1 hour of panicking about my weight. So I am ignoring it now but I will try and cut out all the junk food.

I managed to get out of the house today, not that I wanted to. Instead I went to the city to get a massage on my sore back and sat on a chair depressed in the city instead. I'm sure people were looking at me thinking 'why does she look so sad'. I just felt the deepest feelings of depression today, like I had lead weights on my feet and it was hard to walk or like wading through water. I hate feeling like this. My wednesdays off are supposed to help me rest to cope with thursday and friday. My life has ground to a halt while I sit around in misery. I don't feel suicidal or anything just horribly down. In a way this is worse because it is just constant and never moves and gives me no energy. Even getting to the bed is a chore. I hope the meds work and that they kick in soon.

*hugs*
Sarah

depression's effects

It's funny how I keep getting these little blocks of depression where I want to run home to bed. I had it again last night and went to bed at 7:20pm. I just get almost paralised by it. It's like I simply cannot stay around anyone or be near anyone and I just want to hide. It's all consuming. I haven't had depression for years like this. I used to have it all the time but then I had a switch and I started to get manic all the time. Sometimes I wish I could continue to get manic, but I guess this is why I have been diagnosed with bipolar having both the spectrums of it. I think I need to remind myself that nothing will be depressing forever. That I can ride through the depression and it will release me for periods of time. Like now where I don't feel too bad. I must remind myself of this when I get 'stuck'.

Today is my day off, so I am hoping I feel okay. Right now I have a cute little kitty laying in my lap as I type and she makes me feel better just looking at her. She is so cute. She is funny how she leaps in the air to catch moths and she will do this clap thing with her paws where she smacks them between each paw and she can jump almost waist height, it's just amazing to watch and really funny. Her personality is now coming out more and she is now truly our cat. I might even try and get some kitty photos today :-)

Oh, don't forget my zine giveaway, you can read about that here

*hugs*
Sarah


Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Today

Today is long and hard. I want to be at home in bed and just sleep. I am really struggling today. The day is going so slow and it's making me feel depressed. I have another four hours of this and I want it to end. I want the happy me back. The one that keeps getting up when she is knocked down, but that Sarah is so tired and wish that she didn't have to go to work where the depression bites her in the arse. If I could afford to not work I would run in and resign right now but only because I can't bear it today. Tomorrow is my day off. I pray it comes fast!

*hugs*
Sarah

I'm doing okay

I've been thinking about how I'm going foodwise right now and I actually think I am doing okay. I am having a few belly issues today though but I'm mostly okay. I wish I could get to a point where it was totally okay, that would be awesome but I think I have to wait for Kerry to come back from holidays before I know that I will definitely be okay or not. I worry about having another medication added to the balance and whether that is going to finally be the one that makes me put on weight from my pills, which is something I don't tend to do normally. I wish there was just an off button. So that I could go okay eating disoder, your time is up BANG, you're gone and that was that. If only it were that easy. I seem to have a good day and then a bad day or two or three good days and then a really bad day. It is really frustrating.

I guess it doesn't help when my mood is still stablising either because when it's stable, I eat more because I'm haappy and I don't tend to notice so much what I eat. Then I have that bad day and bang. I hope I can get my mood better too. I have been in this mostly depressed state most of the year and it's taken 10 months before my doctor would agree to anti-depressants because they normally make me manic within a week. This hasn't happened so far, which I am really happy about, though I still get these really raw awful feelings of depression and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry and not let the world in at all. I don't think my psychiatrist has realised that I did have depression and not just felt a little down that day I saw him, when I have lost count how many times I have bawled my eyes out in his office this year.

I think the only thing that has gotten me through these last few months is my zines. I know that sounds really dumb but making them and putting them all together and then taking them in printing them and collating them and binding them and then sending them out to those who want them, is just awesome. I am loving every minute. I have lost my cardmaking creativity, I am not taking that many photographs and it feels like my creativity has leaked from me through my tears. With every tear, just another bit of creativity has gone. My writing may not always be perfect, of course not, but it still seems like the only thing I have left at the moment, whch sounds depressing but it's not, it means I can still be creative. 

To the fun part, if you want to take part in my zine giveaway, see this post and don't worry if you are from another country other than Australia, that's all fine.

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, October 11, 2010

giveaway

I meant to do this yesterday when I put up the info of my new zine but hey, a day late is okay. So, I am going to give away five copies of my new zine My Baggy Pants and to win a copy just leave me a comment here and on friday I will randomly draw five names out of a hat (or something resembling a hat).


Goodluck everyone :-)

P.S. Please indicate if you are just commenting or if you want to go in the giveaway :-)

P.P.S. To make it more interesting you can pick this zine or any other zine in my shop, you can have a look at the other ones here: http://www.etsy.com/shop/sabby120. 

Don't forget to tell me which one you are after in the giveaway.

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, October 10, 2010

the body image zine is done

I think the hardest thing about writing this zine was coming up with the name. I went back and forward over different ones for days before I called Andy over this morning and read all the ones I had come up with so far and he told me what he thought and I picked one. The body image zine is called My Baggy Pants, yes I know it's a funny name but in seriousness it's true. My clothes fell off me when I lost all my weight five years ago.

This zine starts off with my story of getting my eating disorder and then it goes into the stories of my six readers who sent me the answers to my two questions. All of you are pretty much word for word printed and I have only used the initial of your nickname/name. The only time I summerised was if I didn't have enough room and that didn't happen much. This zine is completely handwritten and it's got hand drawn pictues in it too. It is 32 pages and thank you so much to the six of you who contributed, you each got a page per answer, so two pages each in the zine.

After your asnwers/stories, I then go back into what my goals are, what I want my life to be. The only thing I would caution is that in the beginning I have used a few numbers (my weight and the highest and lowest and the calories at the height of me ED). This zine was fun because of all the handwritting and I did find a few mistakes afterwards too, one I couldn't fix and a couple I did fix. I tried to be as neat as I could but sometimes you just get a bit messy. I was writing this all week. I had typed it first and then wrote from that. I did it sometimes at 5:30am before work and then I'd do some after work. I really got into it on wednesday on my first day off of my four day week. I love zines. I am addicted to zines. You can find it here http://www.etsy.com/listing/58564851/my-baggy-pants-zine. 



*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, October 9, 2010

some kitty photos

I would post the kitty photos here but blogger's new photo adding software kept turning the photos around after they had been added. So I have put them up on my creative site if you would like to see my beautiful kitty. Here is the link http://creatingsarahsway.wordpress.com/2010/10/09/kitty-photos/. I think they probably suit being there more anyway. However, for those of you who love cats, go have a look. She's too cute for words but I am biased just a bit ;-)

*hugs*
Sarah

good stuff

Yesterday I had my performance appraisal at work, which happens once a year for permanent staff members. I've never done one before, even though I've been working at the uni for three years, I've just never been permanent. It was AWESOME! I had to shout that because it put away all of my fears about how I'm doing and what's expected of me. I got some goals and tasks to do and it lasted nearly 2 hours. It was the best meeting I've ever had about my work. Not because I was showered in praise, but because it was more of a brainstorm of how we could get my tasks done in the best way and they indicated that I could possibly stay 4 days a week after the end of the year if it works for me and I get my work done in 4 days. It gave me a huge confidence boost. I think I have the best bosses.

Aside from that, I've decided to start (yes I know) another zine but as a series back to my silly Bella and the Boys stuff. I am going to do them as a fun creative writing/drawing/photography thing with Andy collaborating with me. I am also working on my body image zine. I am hoping to get that one done by next Wednesday so I can go into the city and print it on my day off. I have felt good ever since work yesterday. So that is awesome. I think it's going to be a creative day :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, October 7, 2010

art class and zines

The art class was really interesting. We were using the book Drawing on the Right Side of Your Brain and it was really hard. We had three drawings. First that vase/face one that we had to copy backwards on the opposite side of the paper and then two other line drawings that we had to copy while it was upside down. Yes I kid you not, the drawing we were copying was upside down. This was so we would only see the pictures as lines rather than an image. The first was a horse and I just couldn't do it. The other was a man sitting in a chair, which I did manage to do and I go the face pretty well the same. I was pretty happy about that. I was hoping for cartoons though.

I have had a massive change in format with my new zine about body image. I have decided to hand write the whole thing and draw in it too. It's actually quite fun and I am changing the way I print and bind it too to make it more handmade. I am also just writing what pops into my head instead of following all the stuff I typed out, though I am still bearing all of that in mind. I am just going to let the pen flow and see what happens. If it comes out terrible, I can still print from the typed stuff.

I liked having the day off.

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Pristiq and other things

Today has been emotional so far. I cried in my doctors office this morning and told him how I felt so useless and guilty about having to drop to four days a week and how I don't deserve it. My eyes are still stinging some three hours later. After a while he has decided to put me on anti-depressants, pristiq to be exact. I've never been on this anti-d before so I don't know what to expect. I have been on effexor and it worked really well for me and this seems like it's similar. Has anyone been on this one or know anything about it, good or bad?

I have my drawing class in just over an hour. I'm excited about that. I can't wait to see what I will get to learn or what I will take away from it. Tracey is really nice so it will be good to get to know her a bit and see what kind of artist she is as she says she is multi-media artist. Exciting. I am up to page 14 in my body image zine. So still a way to go with it. I tend to do small stories rather than long ones. The only exception to that was my last two zines Anybody and Furballs as these were written more taking off where I left off even if I was going on lots of tangents. This time I am adding stories in of different times of my life, including blogging and internet ED experiences.

If I come up with some good drawings, I might post some up later :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

let's try this again

I wrote the most horrible post about an hour ago. I was so down on myself and put myself down over and over, stating how my life sucked. Well let me start again. I did take 50mg of seroquel that has reduced my anxiety and I feel much better. I found out today that I got granted my four day a week working week and this will go until the end of the year and I get Wednesdays off. This is awesome. Tomorrow after I see my psychiatrist I get to go to a drawing class at 12pm for a few hours. I spoke to Tracey, the lady who owns the craft shop and she said all I need is me and a pencil. Did I say this is awesome! I am very excited. I will probably also work on my Christmas cards as I have just downloaded two Christmas kits from PickleBerryPop a digital scrapbooking online shop. I love it. Today I also heard from one of my followers, Lil, who told me that she liked me zines that she bought. Thank you Lil, it made me feel really good to hear that during a day of anxiety.

Today I have suffered a lot of anxiety. There are a few reasons for this (a) I was feeling guilty that I had Wednesdays off and that the others at work would think badly of me (b) I have my performance appraisal at work on Friday and I feel like I have not been doing as good as I should by my standards and am expecting to be told I need to do better (c) this is mainly because last year in my old job I was torn to shreds in my appraisal because I had formed an alliance with my workmates (it's called making friends) and it was seen as a direct hit against my boss and (d) I was just anxious. Every time I ask a question, I think to myself, you should not have asked that question (this got said to me last year) and I should have done everything in my power to find out the answer first and the last resort is asking a colleague a question. I am understanding just how much my old workplace has effected me. Now that my medication has kicked in, I feel good. I don't want this to be my life but if it works, it works. I would prefer anything to that emotional wreck that walked in my front door tonight.

Lastly, I have written nine pages of my new zine that is still waiting for a name. This is the zine on body image and I must say after reading all of your responses to my questions, we all have a lot in common but I'll leave that for the zine. I hope to do some of that tomorrow too. I am hoping too with my drawing class, that I can illustrate a bit of the zine. I already can draw, just have not much confidence and I really want to draw more, so hopefully I'll learn some tips tomorrow. I'll let you all know how I go.

*hugs*
Sarah

There's colour if you only look

Monday, October 4, 2010

In three months

I've had an okay day at work. I am not happy though. Tonight Andy and I had a good chat and we have decided to move to NSW at the beginning of next year. We currently live in Queensland and we are just not happy. Andy's main prospects for work are in Sydney at one of the university's and I can change jobs to another university since I have been at a university for three and a bit years. Plus Andy's contacts would make it a bit easier for me to find out how to get work at the uni he wants to work at and do his Masters and PhD at.

I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to work where I do anymore, even though I may be going part time. It's not enough, there have been too many bad things happen at the uni I work at to want to stay, even though I've only just become permanent. I want to leave my doctor, he is good but he is starting to make me feel like he is too long in the tooth with me. I need a new perspective, not more drugs. Someone that believes that I have an ED, not that it's just there when I am stressed, of course it's there when I"m f***ing stressed, that's what EDs do.

I had enough of this place, these people, my life the way it is, except for the part that is with Andy. That part is the best part, the brightest part. I feel tired and worn out and over everything. There feels like nothing outside of Andy and Missy, can make me smile. I hate my life the way it is and I am sick of feeling so shit about how my life is.

I want out of here

*hugs*
Sarah

work, play and zines (of course)

I find out probably today if I get to go part time for three months to get my shit together. If I do that means I will Wednesdays off every week until Christmas. Then in the new year I will go back full time. I am actually really happy with this. If it starts this week, that means too that I will get to go to a drawing class on Wednesday at my local scrapbooking shop that I really want to go to. The lady there is so so nice and she has some awesome stuff in her shop. I bought the most gorgeous stamp from her on Saturday, which I will stamp and photograph and put up on here. It is a butterfly but it has three women in it in a really pretty design.

I am finally going to do the zine about body image. It will take me a while to write because it's going to be my experiences and there will be some of yours to those people that told me how you felt about body image and how it effected you. I promise not to say your names, I will leave a message (when I'm up to that part) on each of your blogs to ask you if you mind if I use your Internet name or if you'd like to have a fake name and then you can pick one for yourself. I think that sounds like a good idea. I hope you all have a lovely Monday when it comes around for you. As for me, it's just about breakfast time and then off to work . Don't get me wrong, I love my job, I just hate Mondays :-P

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, October 3, 2010

new designs for Christmas

Today I have been thinking about Christmas cards and I've decided to use a more unconventional way of making cards for my family this year. Many of you would know that I got into digital scrapbooking earlier this year and I had a play around with some of the images from the digital sites to see if I could design a card that I could print on really good quality card and that would look really awesome. I tried a design today and it's not a Christmas one but more an idea I can show you all to see what you think. These images are not ones I'd use for Christmas cards but just a random selection of images to show what I am trying to explain. I have hundreds of images and will probably look for more that are Christmas ones but you could do this with any card, as long as you had MS Word and some pictures from some digital scrapbooking sites. I drew a rectangle on a word document and then made sure that it sat in the right spot on the card when it was printed. Then I just chose my designs and added them and just made their text wrapping so that I could move them around freely. Here is a snapshot of the card I came up with. Bear in mind this is a five minute job.


This is just the part of the card that is inside the box (including the box of course). You could pretty much put any design in there and the text is just in a text box that has invisible lines. I got some shiny white card and printed it and the images look awesome on the card and the colours are pretty much what is on there when they are printed. I am very excited to have discovered this because it is actually less work (yes I'm feeling lazy) than making another card by hand and it's different and unique too. You could pretty much make anything and adapt the cards for any occasion. You could make different ones for every person and all you need is the name of a digital printing site, MS Word and a printer that prints in colour. I am in love with this type of card. When I come up with some Christmas ones I'll show you all.


*hugs*
Sarah

today

Today is going to be about cardmaking. It will be about reading cardmaking magazines and getting ideas for my christmas cards. It will also be about relaxing and slugging about (as Andy calls it). It will be about writing birthday present lists and working out from Andy's list, what I want to get him. Our birthdays are 5 days apart. It's having coffee at the local cafe and it's about just doing what I feel like. I want to do some heat embossing with a new stamp I got yesterday (which is gorgeous by the way). It  is also thinking about how if I get to go to four days a week and it starts this week, that means on wednesday I can go to a drawing class and my local craft shop. It's about being happy and content and so over the moon that Andy is home. He has a lot of hugs that he owes me, he he! It's just simply about happiness. I hope you are all happy in some way. I am catching up on blogs as you post, so please don't feel bad if I haven't commented yet. Oh and one more thing, Missy has a new nickname, I've started to call her Missy-moo, it just sort of popped out once and it suits her! She is adorable as usual. I am in love with my kitty.

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, October 2, 2010

10 random photos

Since all I've been going on about lately is my zines (which you can by in my Etsy shop by the way, lol) I thought I'd do another 10 random photos since I haven't done one in a while. So here goes in no particular order.

The poor boys have been banished to the top of Andy's dresser to keep them safe from Missy

Looking innocent NOT

My growing collection of other people's zines

What I watche last night and finished this morning - loved it

My own collection of zines ready to send out

My new coffee, I've never had it like this before LOVE

My new plunger too

Ready to pounce

The favourite toy. A stick with string and a ball and feather on the end. This just happens to be on her other facourite toy, plastic bags. 

Our house has another favourite toy all over the place... paper!

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, October 1, 2010

creativity and being alone

I have just over 12 hours before Andy will be back. I miss him a lot but it has given me the chance to be extra creative. I've finished and printed my zine about cats and while I say that Missy is sitting or should I say sleeping,  on my lap. So for anyone interested about reading about cat stories in 32 pages, you can grab a copy here: http://www.etsy.com/listing/57804080/furballs-zine. The zine is appropriately called Furballs.

I'm actually doing okay and tonight I am going to try and watch a movie on my own. Something I haven't done in years. I am going to watch The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Very excited about that. So I am going to go do that now, so it's doesn't go too long and I don't want to go to bed in the middle of it. I want to say hi to my new readers too. Welcome. What an astounding number :-)

I hope you all either have a good day or a good night.

*hugs*
Sarah