Tuesday, November 30, 2010

oh the pain

This morning I went into the city to and made yet another zine but this one is just one mini zine and is one concertina page. It is basically just colour photography and is folded in a way that you have 8 pages.

This is how the front cover looks and you can see by the next shot how it's put together. You put a small cut in the middle to fold.

This is how it is cut so you can turn it into a mini zine with photos that you want to show the world. I've used these photos before, but it was more the process of seeing if I could make a zine like this that made me want to have a go. If they sell, then that's cool and if they don't, I have wasted much money.

On the way to printing my zine though I stopped off at the camera shop with my, I thought that the time, very dead video camera. They were going to test the camera to see if when the big back happened about six months ago when I turned it off and went poof and the ozone smell was awful, we didn't think it was going to work. It did though and we realised that it was only the cord that recharged the battery was stuffed. The guy had a universal charger instock and showed me how to use it and I have it charging now. The reason I wanted to do this was because tomorrow is the day we are putting up our Christmas tree and I wanted to video Missy with the tree as she has never seen one before. I can imagine already the distruction the next morning of the first night.

Then I did a really naughty thing. Remember how I am always going on about how I am out somewhere and there are photo opportunities and I miss them because I don't have my camera, well I bought a small compact camera that will do the job and it's really small. I love it already and it has heaps of features.


I was terrified of telling Andy because I just bought it on an impulse and put it on credit I might add on 12 months interest free.I can afford it, so that's okay. But it's small enough to fit in my bag I take to work, so I thought it would be perfect to just keep with me always.


I have also decided after my month long binge of food in hospital that I need to lose the unwanted extra kilos in a really good positive way. So I got Jemma out. Now you may not know Jemma but she is my bike, Jemma Journey. I love this bike but have not ridden her for over a year probably because I was too lazy. It's funny, before a ride I am okay, as soon as we start I complain, but I didn't today and I really pushed myself. I only managed half an hour and I was stuffed afterwards but I was pleased with myself. I plan on both walking and bike riding. One day a bike ride and the next day a good walk.


So after my mammoth attempt at trying to ride my bike, I am a little wobbly still at the moment, I had a nice cold powerade to help me rehydrate. The good thing is I am not eating so much since being out of hospital. In there you are just fed all the time and it's good food where I was. I was always first in line to get the best food. I grew around the middle quite a lot and my clothes don't fit me which really sucks. I am having to wear things that I don't like or that are really tight. It won't take me long to feel better and be at a more normal weight for me. Don't worry, this isn't ED talk, it's just every day talk about being normal.

My days out of hospital are getting easier. I had the best day today and now I am gonig over to print some photos and I am going to write more of issue 6 of By the Skin of My Teeth.

*hugs*
Sarah

Okay

I got to speak to my doctor yesterday, which was all good as I am now 100mg of lamictal,which is what I really did want. I was hoping both for and against hospital but I know that if I go back in, I've just got to face this again. The struggle of coming out of hospital I mean. I don't want to be that girl again who never wants to be out of hospital. I want to be that girl that goes to work and comes home and leads a normal everyday life with her husband and her cat.

One thing this girl is adding though is exercise. Andy and I are starting to go for bike rides as of today because I put on quite a bit of weight in hospital, which I know I can lose but I hate it all the same. I feel like a whale and I don't mean this from and ED perspective where I am just a tiny bit heavier. I put on a fair amount of weight because I had dessert every day for lunch in hospital for four weeks straight. Ate chocolate from the vending machine between meals and basically pigged out.

I gave my bike, Jemma I call her, Jemma Journey, a bit of a dust last night and realised she has flat tires and was covered in cobwebs. I have a really nice bike too, she is an awesome bike. So Jemma and I are going to get re-acquainted. We are also going to be doing some more walking to take photos and I'm going to use this month to slim down to my old weight.

I am also starting issue six of By the Skin of My Teeth so that I can write about my adventures with Jemma and the month off work and how I spend it. This issue hopefully won't be as full-on as the others mental health wise. I will also document what it's like seeing my new pdoc. I see her on Monday actually.

Today I am launching a one page concertinaed colour photography zine. I am only making 10 copies and they will be dirt cheap due to the lack of materials. So if your interested in photography Through Nature's Eyes might be for you. It's only an 8 page zine.

I am also getting our video camera checked out because the last time I turned it out it went POOF and there was an awful ozone smell. We don't know if it's just the cord or the cord and the camera that died. I am going to take it to get tested today too.

Jeez, what a busy day :-)

*hugs*
Sarah


This is how issue 5 of By the Skin of My Teeth turned out. I Painted around the sign in purple acrylic paint and coloured my fingernails in all differed coloured alcohol markers, which are awesome by the way. You can get this issue and the previous two, issue 3 and 4 which make the full story of hospital. They are each 64 pages. You can get to my Etsy shop by clicking here.

Here is a Missy picture of my gorgeous girl just before I went into hospital. She was smooching against my knee.

Monday, November 29, 2010

to be honest

I'm really struggling. My meds aren't right and I am worried about how this is going to be dealt with, never having my new psychiatrist before. I can't gage when she will call me back about what to do and I don't know what she will do. I'm kinda scared that she will put me back in hospital to push the meds up quicker but then in a way I think this would be a good idea. I just have no idea what to expect or what to do until I speak to her. I know she is busy but the waiting is driving me crazy. It really is. Why does it have to be so hard?

*hugs*
Sarah :-(

Sunday, November 28, 2010

coming out of hospital is hard

I know I sounded all pumped and happy yesterday but in truth I really struggled. I've gone from this completely safe environment where everything was done for me to me looking after myself [with Andy of course]. I was feeling so lost and depressed. I think my lamictal dose needs to come up again, which I know that my doc wanted to do while I was in hospital but changed her mind at the last minute. I might call her on Monday and ask for the increase or I have to wait for a week. I must admit that I do still wish I was in hosptial. I don't think my meds aren't right yet, not even the pristiq, I think it needs to go up. How I wish I didn't feel this way :-(

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, November 27, 2010

10 random photos

Since I've been away I haven't had a chance to do ten random photos, so I thought today would be the perfect time to do it with a new start, so here goes.

the pile of zines waiting to be read

the coin purse that I got while I was in hospital

My favourite cereal right now - don't know why

my extremely messy craft trolleys right now

Missy and her favourite toy, what we call stick and ball

My expensive Tria markers. They are alcohol markers and they are awesome

The sneak peak of issue 5. It will have a white cover that will be hand coloured using my Tria markers

the next in line to be cut up form issue six when that happens

My birkenstocks I got a year ago and couldn't wear them becuase they didn't have a heal strap. I got one made at the cobbler in town and they have worked a treat. I love these now.

A card my friend made while I was in hospital


*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, November 26, 2010

I'm back!

I arrived back home this morning at the ripe hour of about 9am. I was picked up from hospital by Andy and his dad and it was really nice to get home. It took me a few hours to unpack but it's all done now and now I am really tired but sort of wired so I can't sleep.

But I can read blogs and I can comment. I don't know that I will completly catch up but I will do my best. I also have zine issue five of By the Skin of My Teeth almost done but still a way to go as well, which has been awesome writing in hospital with the issues 3, 4 and 5 talking of different aspects of getting well with all at 64 pages cut and paste. I love this method. It takes longer but it's much more fun and it feels more like you are doing it my DIY if you know what I mean.

Chat to you all soon, I missed you all. Welcome to my new readers. It's lovely to have you here.

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

going home

You can not imagine how excited I am at the fact that I am being discharged on friday. That is the most awesome news ever. I found out last night when I saw my doctor and she was fine with it. I will see her here for the last time and then in two weeks I'll see her as an outpatient. I am literally that excited that I want to scream YAHOO but I know they'd think I was manic then and keep me in, he he.

I only have a few mintues before breakfast now but I will now be able to try and catch up with you all over the next week and finally get to see how you've all been going. Internet here is just shit. I have to sit on the front steps of the clinic with my laptop on my knee to get any kind of reception. I just can't handle sitting here for long which is why I haven't been able to keep up with you all. Can't wait to catch up, stay safe and well and I'll probably update when I get home on friday.

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, November 21, 2010

sitting on the steps

I am sitting here outside of the hospital sitting on the steps just trying not to get rain in my laptop. It's a miserable day today, which is a bummer because Andy was going to bring our cameras and we were going to go and take photos of stuff and a park near here. I have missed you guys. I can't believe this is my fourth week hospital. It doesn't seem that long and I know I have a few weeks left here still. I am now on 50mg of lamictal and to try the mammoth task of getting me to sleep they decided to put me on 20mg of zyprexa at night and 10mg of valium. I still wake up but I can get back to sleep now. I have relocated into the reception area and will have to outside to post. How annoying. It's really frustrating that I can't get a signal here and with it raining, I can't really sit on the steps without getting my laptop wet.

So I am actually doing okay here and I don't know if I have told you guys that I now have a new psychiatrist. She is a really lovely person and I like her a lot. She even came to see me yesterday [saturday], which I she has done before but which I think is amazing. I know she is getting paid for it but I think that is awesome. I feel very comfortable with her and I feel I can talk my mind. I never had that arkward stage with her where I didn't know what to say maybe except for the first visit. I know she has contacted my old doctor on thursday to talk to him about me swapping to her but he hasn't responded as far as I can tell. His secretary emailed me and said that they have cancelled all my appointments because if I can't make appointments, I'd cancelled two in a row, then it's best leaving them for patients that need them. This makes me a little paranoid that he knows I am not coming back to see him but why do I care, he is not my doctor anymore.

Anyway, if I can find a signal today and not get rained on, I know I keep saying it but I will try and read some of your blogs. But it's just so hard in here with the hospital having no reception inside. Thinking of you all and hoping you are all doing okay.

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, November 18, 2010

on day leave

So today I am on day leave to go home and see Andy and Missy. I am starting to feel a little better but I still keep having manic moments and I'm not sleeping well. Last night I even took a shitload of medication [all prescribed] and still woke up at 3:30am. It's really frustrating because I normally need to go to the bathroom as well and I'm wide awake. I did luckily get back to sleep. I did a group on creative expression yesterday and ended up having to leave early as I was so manic that I was disrupting the whole group. My friend Jodie told me that I was really funny and that there were others that found my mania quite funny and started to feel it themselves a bit. I forced myself to stay calm and went and got my medication, then went back to my room.

I cut up the photos for issue five of By the Skin of My Teeth, which I have only just started, with issue four only printed yesterday. I had paper all over the floor from the cutting up of the paper and I had music on and was singing and knew I was high. I stopped myself. I turned off the music, picked up the paper and made myself settle because I do not want to have to stay in hospital longer because of mania. I did settle down too. It's just the not sleeping that is driving me nuts.

So I know you know I am going to do this but I thought I'd post up about my new zine. It's the second part that I've written in hospital for this series.You can find my zines at my Etsy shop at http://www.etsy.com/listing/62179848/by-the-skin-of-my-teeth-issue-four.


The only bad thing and this is not related to my zines, is that I am really struggling to concentrate or read at the moment. I have a whole pile of zines that I have purchased and can't read because I cannot read to save my life. This also means I don't know that I could read blogs. I'm really sorry guys that I can't actually read and comment at the moment. When I do get moments of being able to then I have no internet connection, it's all very frustrating. I miss you all lots :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

awesome stuff

A lot has happened since I've posted last. First of all today is my birthday but I already celebrated three days ago because Andy's birthday was two days before that date and we decided on the middle of both days. I got my hair done with blonde foils and I love it and I got lots of other things too.

I am still in hospital and the doctor in here that has been looking after me has actually agreed to take me on as a patient after I leave hospital. YAY! So excited about that one. Tomorrow I start on lamictal now that I am finally at a stable happy mood in hospital but still struggle outside. I still have at least two more weeks in here but up to a month if things go pear shaped. I am hoping it will only be another two weeks. That would be awesome to be home.

I am also not going back to work until the first week of the new year and I let my boss know yesterday and she was fine. I am on sick leave without pay so it's not like there is financial burden, just that they are all really busy. She was happy I told her as soon as I knew so they can plan as to what they are going to do.

I have put on weight in here but I'm not bothered by it, which is extra awesome. I don't know how much because the day that I could find out using my own scales was our birthday celebration and I didn't want to ruin it by freaking out at the number.

I am so not being able to keep up with blogs, sorry guys, mainly because my internet connection sucks here. I have to sit on the front steps of the clinic to get one bar of signal, which sometimes drops out halfway though doing something. It's bloody annoying. I hope you are going along at least okay though.

Anyways, I'm off to go back inside as the steps are not the most comfortable place to sit.

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, November 8, 2010

Restricted

I am manic definitely. I have now been restricted to the ward with no leave allowed. I have been up since 3:30am. I got up then and I put my new zine together. It was so much fun to do and I finished it by 5am. The nurses drew the line at me doing my washing at 5am and I have been all over the place today. My doctor immedicately changed my medication, so now I am getting an extra 5mg of zyprexa tonight including an extra 5mg of valium.

Anyway, I am okay but just hope that things change over the next few days. Anyone interested you can see my new cut and paste zine on my first 8 days in hospital initially for depression. I loved writing it and loved putting it together in the cut and paste style, which I think I will be adopting from now on. Boy was it fun cutting up the maps of Brisbane as the backgrounds. You can find my new zine here.

 I would put the proper pic of the front of my zine on here but blogger keeps turning it upside down

I am so missing your blogs. I am not allowed out now so I find it so hard to get a signal at all. I am lucky I have a good one right now but I have to go get medication soon and it took me ages to get this one.

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, November 6, 2010

maybe manic

I have had so many days of depression that yesterday when I realised that it had lifted, I felt really great. Yesterday I had to tell my doctor though that I had woken up at 3:30am and we were hoping it was a one off. Unfortunately not. Last night it was 2am. I woke up wide awake. This is one of the first indicators that tell me I am getting manic, so I am a little worried about that. I will be seeing my doctor today so I can let her know. Not only that but today I I feel quite impulsive. I want to rush off into the city to get the last few pages of my zine printed so I can finish the cut and paste of it. I don't need to have it done today but I want it done today. I want it to go to print tomorrow but that is also an impulsive thing. I want to go shopping too. Anyway, I'll try and keep a lid on it. I'll try and catch up on some of your blogs today.

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, November 5, 2010

things are getting better

I am starting to feel a little better but not in a way that would indicate mania. My doctor called it "lighter". I like that term. The other good thing and I don't know if I've mentioned it here, is that I don't want to see Dr M anymore. I asked my doctor here if she would consider seeing me and she said she would consider it but we have a way to go before we get to that. I am glad that it was an not a no and she would talk to Dr M about it too and so would I. It would be an agreed thing between us. My doctor here, I will call her Dr D, is lovely and she doesn't want to appear to be stepping on Dr M's toes.

The other thing is that she has asked me if I would think about taking lamictal. I have never taken it before and it's not on the PBS for bipolar disorder but she said that she thinks it would really help me. It would cost a bit but I would just cut back so I could afford to get it. I told Dr D my goal and that is to be back to work by December. She said that was a very good goal and she is happy with the way things are going so far. I really like this lady, she is so lovely and I hope I get to go with her. That would be awesome.

I've been thinking of you all a lot lately and wondering how you are going. It's hard because my signal drops out all the time, so I have to keep on connecting. It gets so frustrating, that's why I haven't been able to keep up with blogs. I hope you are all okay.

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I can now leave the ward on my own

This going to be short as I can hardly see the screen because of the sun. I am now able to leave the hospital to sit outside and blog if I want or to go for a walk. I am really happy about this. The only bad thing or good if you want to look at the positive, is that I will be here for probably a month. It will give me time to relax and really get better and now that I can go outside, I can blog and read blogs. I have chosen a shitty place though because the sun is shining on the screen. I will blog more later I'm sure now that I can and I will catch up on some of your blogs too, YAY!

I have had a up and down day but it's gotten better this afternoon. This morning was awful, I cried and felt sad and woosy from the increase in meds, but I'm hoping with this increase I will start to get better. Now it's just a matter of finding a new psychiatrist. That one is going to be tough.

I hope you're all well!

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Medication increase

I saw my psychiatrist here in hospital today and she has increased my pristiq to 150mg. I am really happy with her and she seems really supportive. She is going to come and see me tomorrow to see how I am going. I ended up in tears this morning for no reason and my doc agrees that Dr M waited too long in prescribing anti-d's.

I got the first 18 pages of my new zine cut and pasted together this today and now I just need more text both written and printed. I really loved putting it together. It was really relaxing. I finally found a spot to blog too, there is a secret room that has windows around and I can get a signal here, though not on my laptop unfortunately.

Anyway, thanks for all your support guys! I really appreciate it. I miss your blogs. If only I could get a signal here. Hopefully I won't be here too long and then I can catch up or at least read :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, November 1, 2010

how it's going

It looks like my anti-depressants will be increased on wednesday. My doctor is going to see me tomorrow and then she will decide whether to do this or not, but it looks like she will and I hope she does. It was my first weekday here and I tried to go to two groups but ended up not going. The first one I actually went and ran out before it started. The second one, I just couldn't be bothered.

I am doing really well with my zine. I just emailed all the pages so far to Andy and he is going to bring them to me tomorrow. I also have finished cutting up the maps ready to start the cut and paste tomorrow when I get the text.

Other than that I am really tired and I am finding it really hard to concentrate. It's frustrating.

*hugs*
Sarah