Monday, January 31, 2011

so amazing

I went into work to resign this morning and they basically wouldn't let me. They have put me on three months sick leave without pay instead. They will get a temp to do my job and they said I can come back earlier if I want to. I am also being admitted to hospital in about an hour and a half. That was a surprise to because normally you have to wait a week for a bed and there was on today. I feel blessed and I hope this is the beginning of change. I may not be around so much in the next few weeks but I will try as much as I can to do blog updates from my iphone. I just can't always get a signal in there. Thank you to all of you who replied to my post. You are all awesome!

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, January 30, 2011

leaving job

Time to be honest with myself. I have been having suicidal thoughts. That I think people would be better off if I wasn't here and that Andy would then not have the drain on his income like I am now. I told this to him yesterday and he just hugged me and said that he married me because he loves who I am, no matter what and if I wanted to leave my job, he is okay with that.

I can't do it, stay in my job that is because I seriously have the huggest panic attacks when I'm there. I have started to have ideas about getting on to the top of the building and jumping off. It would be easier. I have been crying and feeling really depressed. a job is not worth my health or my life. It looks like I'll be going back into hospital again :(

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, January 29, 2011

things aren't working out

I had a meltdown at work yesterday and burst into tears and the assistant manager had to come and talkt to me. She said that I wasn't doing my job properly [in a nice way] and that I was doing it fine before I went into hospital but that I need to be working to my full capacity while I am there. I know I am not doing this myself. I am so anxious and I'm starting to get stressed and depressed about it. We have a very busy time coming up and I'm not sure I'm up to it. I don't know what to do. I want to leave but we need the money. I'm really freaking out right now :-(

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, January 27, 2011

the bone was exposed

So I know the problem with my tooth that was pulled out, the bone was exposed so they put a clove dressing in the hole where the tooth was and that seems to have stopped the pain a fair bit and I got some strong pain killers for when it gets too much. The dentist said that when the dressing comes out, which will be a few days, that I need to rinse with salt water to keep the area clean. She did say that the rest of the wound was looking good though. They also cleaned the wound out first as well.

On to other stuff I am feeling a little flat. I have written two zines and I don't like either of them. I wrote an issue eight of By the Skin of My Teeth and I'm not at all happy with it, so I have put it aside and I then decided to write another one Stripped Bare, which is my story that I have not yet told. I am not happy with it either. So I am taking a break from zines for a bit. I will wait until I am ready to write again. I guess the thing is I found the most awesome background and I really wanted to use it, but the words are stuck and they just don't come easily right now. I am dissappointed. I hope it passes soon because writing is such a huge part of my life :(

*hugs*
Sarah

[edit] the strong pain killers made me violently ill for over three hours... UGH! It just isn't my day!

sad today

I know there has been an ongoing drama with my teeth. You guys may also know I had a tooth out on Saturday. But guess what? I forgot an important step in getting it better, rinsing with salt water. So now my wound is infected and it hurts like hell. I am having more pain relief that just after the tooth came out. So today I have to try and get in to see a dentist so they can give me antibiotics. I can't believe I forgot this! Oh well, we live and learn.

I am also really struggling today with wanting to not go to work. I wish I could stay home and not go at all. I made a promise that I would only not go if I was truly sick and I'm not, I'm just in a bit of pain. I know once I get there I'll be fine but I hate feeling this way. It makes me feel like a bad person and a bad team mate. So I am just feeling sad and sorry for myself today. I wish I felt better!

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

stripped bare

Tonight I have been thinking of what I am going to write next and I have an idea but it scares the crap out of me. I think to write it would be liberating in so many ways and the idea of it is exciting. I want to be free and I think this would make me free not only from my experiences with my ED, but the whole way I see myself. I think it will be my most personal zine yet and I can't wait to start it.

Have you ever wanted to free yourself? If you could free yourself of one thing, what would that be and why?

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, January 24, 2011

I made it through

Today I started to work longer hours by an extra two hours and I could have gone longer but I know I have to start slowly and just build up the time until I am back there full time. At the time I could have gone longer but now I am tired. I don't realise how worn out I get until after the fact but I guess everyone is like that.

I have to remind myself that it's okay for me to take my time. It's okay if I build my time up. It doesn't make me a bad person. I can do this but I don't want to rush and do it too quickly and get unwell again. I am only one person coming back from a long time off. Slow and steady is the way to go. All these things go through my head all day but I go but I should be doing more. I don't ever give myself a break but I'm trying to learn, I really am.

I got a win for the day too, I found a shirt I used to love but it got to big for me because I lost weight, well now it fits and I am happy about that. I am so happy I am the size I am and I'm healthy and well. Who would ask for more :)


*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, January 22, 2011

i have one less tooth

I had my dental appointment today and as predicted, I had my tooth removed. The numbness has only just gone away after nearly four hours and I have just started to get pain. I've taken some paracetamol in the hopes that that helps. I am feeling pretty miserable actually. I will probably go and lay down soon because I don't feel like doing anything.

On a brighter note, I finished the writing for issue eight of By the Skin of My Teeth, though it's going to take me at least another week to put it together ready to go to print. I have decided to try and do one zine a month, so ths one is the January issue. It's actually about a lot of different things, including mental health stuff but it's much more than that now.

So now I am going to go and hibernate. I am glad we are having omeletts for dinner. I don't think I could manage anything else, poor me :(

*hugs*
Sarah

P.S. On a morbid note, I got to keep my tooth!

Life is Good Blogger Award


Thanks to Addy at  Ms. Underline Borderstood :)

The Rules are as follows -
Thank the person who gave you the award.
Pass it on to other bloggers.
Let the recipient know.
Answer these 10 survey questions.
  1. If you blog anonymously, are you happy about doing this? If you aren't anonymous, do you wish you had started out anonymously so you could be anonymous now? I am not really anonymous because I use my real first name and there are photos of me on my blog. If anyone came across it in my real life, they'd know staight away it was me. Plus one friend knows about my blog and because of my zines has the web address. I don't know if she reads it, she said she hasn't but you never know.
  2. Describe the incident that shows your stubborn side. I got told heaps of times by my old psychiatrist and my old psychologist to delete this blog, but I refused every single time.
  3. What do you see when you really look into the mirror? Me and I am happy with that :)
  4. When you attended school, were you the class clown, the overachiever, the shy person or always ditching?I was the shy person. 
  5. If you closeed your eyes and wanted to visualize a very poignant point in your life, what would you see?I think that would be right now. I am the happiest I've been in years, I am happy that I have no ED anymore, I am happy full stop. I love life right now :)
  6. What is your favorite cold summer drink? Diet coke
  7. Is there something you still want to accomplish in your life?Getting back to work full time and not having sick days unless I a really sick. I want to be part of my team and pull my weight completely.
  8. When you take time for yourself, what do you? I make zines and read zines and I make cards.
  9. Is it easy for you to share your true self in your blog or are you more comfortable writing plots about other people and events? I am fine with sharing my true self because I can't be anything else but me, I like the me I am.
  10. If you had a choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone which would you do and why?This is a hard one because I like both, probably talk ont he phone!
And now I'll pass it on to...
In the Pink at Nod If You Hear Me a Bipolar Blog
 and
 Jane at Fashion My Castle to Stand

and

mags1234 at Crashing into the Mental Health System

Friday, January 21, 2011

my tooth - scary

I have to have a tooth pulled out tomorrow. It's the one that they did the filling on last saturday, for some reason the filling made it worse. I am really nervous about having it pulled out. Not only because of the sound of it, but because of the blood and the gaping hole it will leave. When I think about it, I start to get a mini panic attack each time. Even now I feel myself go all tense. The last time I had a tooth pulled out was when I was 22 years old and that was a while ago. That was my wisdom teeth though and this will be just one tooth instead of all four, but still, I don't relish the idea much. So at 1:15pm tomorrow, I will most likely be panicking!

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, January 20, 2011

how it all went today

I saw Dr D today finally and I got a change in medication. She has reduced my seroquel XR from 600mg to 400mg and she has increased my lamictal from 150mg to 175mg. She was very happy with how I am and wants me to increase my work hours. So as of next week, I will be working from 8:30am to 2:00pm, with a lunch break in between. I am really happy with all of this.

Also, because I am under the community outreach team and this is classed as an inpatient program, she is letting my private health fund pay her bills. I am so happy about this too. I didn't have to pay anything today at all. When I went to work, I ran over and had a quick meeting with the rehab officer and she was happy with the increase in hours, as was my boss of course.

I did have a period of time where I struggled to stay at work, but I pushed through it and got my second wind. I started at 10:30 and went through until 2:30 with a half hour lunch. Currently I am only working from 8:30am to 12:00pm and this will be my hours tomorrow and then it goes up on monday. All in all I am very happy with the outcome of the day. I am a bit tired but that's to be expected I think because I worked later in the day and I am better in the morning. I can do this!

*hugs*
Sarah

back to work today

I'm feeling good today! It's back to work. I see Dr D this morning first thing and then I am working my normal amount of hours even though I start late. I will just finish later than normal. I have never seen Dr D out of hospital before, so I don't entirely know what to expect. All I know is that I am excited to see her. I have some more positive for today, so here goes:

Positives for today
1. I get to see Dr D
2. I get to have a review of my work hours with Dr D, so this will mean more hours and more money
3. I rediscovered Sims 2 yesterday and Andy was playing it as well for the first time. I got to tell him how it all worked and it was funny watching him playing it.
4. It is pay day for me, so now I can buy more zines - YEAH!
5. I feel really happy and good and comfortable in my own skin and it is awesome

I hope you all can find some positives for your day too. It feels really good to put them here in black and white. Oh and a big hello to my new readers, thank you for reading! It's funny, there are so many of you and I really didn't think I was that interesting and I don't mean that in a bad way either. Just a curiosity more so. Be safe and happy, all of you :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Yay

I got an appointment with Dr D tomorrow. I thought I was going to have to wait until 2nd Feb but it's first thing in the morning at 9am. Work also goes back tomorrow and I can start getting myself back on track. I contacted my boss today to ask if I could go see my doctor before work and make up the time when I get in and just stay later and he was fine with that. I think he wants me to see my doctor as much as I want to go because we will be working out my work pattern for the next few months to get me back to work full time. I am going to ask that I stay on my current hours next week but the week after I go from 8:30am-2:30pm, which will add two hours to my working day. I really want to show that I can do this but I also have to be mindful of whether I can or not. I guess Dr D will be the best judge. In any case, I am really looking forward to seeing her :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Today

I've decided that I'm going to do my positives whenever I feel like it, even if it hasn't been a week since the last one. This way I'll keep reminding myself to keep positive.


My five positves for today
1. I have had over a week off from work, so it's been like a mini holiday
2. I woke up this morning with Missy standing on my chest wanting pats
3. I get to see my nurse Sue today - I really like her and she helps
4. I am buying more zines today
5. I am over half way through issue eight of By the Skin of My Teeth
Things I have done this week so far
1. I got to print issue seven of By the Skin of My Teeth
2. I got to reprint issue three and four of By the Skin of My Teeth
3. I wrote a long letter to my Nana in the UK and then got to speak to her last night. I've been meaning to do this for weeks
4. I stood up for myself when my bank waited for over a month before they took $40 out of my bank account that I thought was already taken out. This has left me short. I was so mad!
5. I have nearly caught up on zines that started piling up and I have enjoyed most of them

Photo of the Day

 Another colour splash photo. Who doesn't like hot pink nail polish?

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

one more day

I have one more day off until I go back to work. I can't believe how slow at first and then how fast the week has gone. I see my nurse Sue tomorrow and then I guess I will have to do work related things like iron my clothes and stuff like that. I must admit that I am not looking forward to going back to work, because I know how busy it's going to be on thursday.

QTAC offers went out to prospective students last thursday, which means that they will have the offers of the universities they want to study at. It also means that they won't know how to enrol in courses and just general uni stuff that new students aren't familiar with. I am very good at dealing with these students but since I have had a set back with work stopping for over a week, I probably am going to be very tired on Thursday afternoon. Luckily I only have to work until 12pm. For once I am happy with that.

Issue eight of By the Skin of My Teeth is well on its way and I managed to reprint issue three and four this morning, so I now have more of those ones. If you're interested you can check me out here at Etsy www.etsy.com/shop/sabby120 or just leave me a comment and I'll get back to you. Also don't forget that I am willing to trade, so if you have a zine that you are doing, tell me about it. I have had a really good run at my current zine, which is a 64pg issue.

I see my new psychologist on friday, which I am really looking forward to. Her name is Sarah as well and she seems really nice and she has really good prices. I am only going to be $30 out pocket for an hour long session. Other than that, it's just work, zine writing and zine reading and whatever else pops into my head. Until next time, I hope you all stay well and okay.

*hugs*
Sarah

More colour splash photos :)

Monday, January 17, 2011

tiredness

I have been so tired lately. I keep falling asleep at home, especially during the period where work is closed due to the floods. I fell asleep this morning at about 7:30am and woke up at 8:30am after I had got up at 5am and had only had half an hour to get ready for the funeral this morning. I think going to the funeral made me tired too, especially since I didn't know the person, it was Andy's aunt. Everyone was really emotional and crying and stuff and I just got really drained.

I fell asleep this afternoon again around 5pm and Andy woke me up and it was nearly 6:30pm. I am still tired and reckon I could get to sleep again and it's only 7:40pm. I am just so so tired. I am worried about going back to work on Thursday because this will have set me back a bit being away from work. I was hoping to increase my hours but I probably won't be able to until I see Dr D on February 2nd. That seems like a very long way away.

Tomorrow I am going to the city to reprint issue three of By the Skin of My Teeth as I have run out of copies of it. Then I can re-list it on Etsy. I am right in the middle of writing issue eight too, which I am finding fun and it's nice I get the time while I wait for work to re-open. I think I am off to bed. I know it's early but I just can't stay awake any longer. Let's hope tomorrow is better :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Another colour splash photo, this time of Missy. I am having heaps of fun with it :)

going to a funeral

Let me first say that I really hate funerals. They are even worse if you don't even know the person and have nevr even met them. Andy's aunt died last week and the funeral is today. He really didn't want to go but his mum was really pissed off when he said that and she told him that she expects him to go and because I am his wife, I am also expected to go. I find them so awful when people are crying and sad and I am not religious and I hate going into churches. So it's a double wammy for me, church and funeral . I am hoping that I can get an appointment with my psychiatrist today and get out of going but I doubt it. I also know that it would be bad form to sit and play with my iphone while the funeral was happening, not that I would actually do that, but it's tempting. So on that note, here is another cute Missy photo I took this morning. I love this little furball :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, January 16, 2011

a video from me to you

I made this video on my iphone today as I was trying out my new 8mm iphone app that makes new video look like old 8mm. It's a little tour of my house :-)

video

*hugs*
Sarah

Positives for today

I have been thinking about doing a positives post each week which is inspired by Chrysalis from Dialectic Dichotomy where she does a positive post once a week. Go and check out her blog. I thought I'd do my own positives post so that I can remind myself each week that there are positives.

My five positves for this week
1. I didn't get flooded in the Brisbane flood crisis
2. I don't have to go to work until thursday next week because of the floods... Yeah!
3. I printed By the Skin of My Teeth issue seven yesterday
4. Andy and Missy are awesome and I am so glad to have them in my life
5. I am happy with my heavier weight and I am recovered from my ED

Things I have done this week
1. Played with Missy
2. Learnt how to do colour splash on my iPhone with my new App
3. Made bookmarks using heat embossing
4. Reading new zines I got in the post
5. Played Yahtzee with Andy

Photo of the Week

This is my first attempt at colour splash :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, January 15, 2011

weighing heavier and happiness

I am now the heaviest I've been in over five and a half years. I have hit an all time high, but I am still an average size and guess what, the 'number' that I thought I would freak out over, I didn't. I sort of shrugged and went oh who cares, it's just a number and the only person who is going to worry about is me, so I choose not to worry. I am so proud of myself for getting to this place. I am truly recovered. I am also going to start having real sugar on my cereal in the next few days. Now this might sound silly to some of you, but you have to realise that I stopped eating sugar over five and a half years ago. I haven't had it since then. I always had artificial sweetener. Now I realise that it is okay to eat sugar and it's okay to be the weight I am.

I bought some more shorts today in a size higher than I thought I'd be comfortable with and I am fine with it. I don't care as long as they fit. Wow, this is so new and awesome to me. I am so so happy. Eating disorders aren't worth it, you can never be happy with one. I know I wasn't. I've been happier at a bigger weight than I every thought possible and I can't imagine restricting anymore. It just doesn't enter my mind. I just eat whatever is put in front of me with no questions. I don't need to ask anymore what is in something before I eat it. I just taste and if it tastes good, I eat it.

Those of you who are still struggling, I really hope that one day you can get to the place I am at, no matter what size you are, as it is such a nice place to be. Be kind to yourselves! You really deserve happiness :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

P.S. I have added another zine to list as I have printed issue seven of By the Skin of My Teeth today. You can find info about it in the "My Zines" page.

Friday, January 14, 2011

tooth drama and cats

I went to the dentist today and they had to go and try and put a filling in one of my cracked teeth. To start with I needed 5 needles to numb the nerve and then he drilled down into my tooth and they realised that the crack went from one side of the tooth to the other and it was a really deep crack. We don't know if it will actually work because but we will have to just wait and see. This afternoon I was really sore from all the needles and my tooth was very sore because of the drilling near the nerve. I have had some paracetamol and that has taken the pain away for now but I'm sure it will come back when I wake up in the morning.

Missy has been a little under the weather over the last few days and she seemed to be extra tired and she had some weeping gunk come out of her left eye. I was really worried about her but tonight she seems back to her normal self. She pounced me when I was walking the stairs and she is climbing on my printer right now and up onto the bookcase. I have realised again how much I love this little furball. She is such a sweet cat and she so naughty sometimes but it's kind of cute, so I end up just letting her do what she wants [within reason]. I never thought I'd love a cat as much as I did Sabastian, my boy who died in 2007, but I do. I think about her when I'm not here and she is my desktop picture on both my home and work computer and I have heaps of photos of her on my iPhone.

I don't have a lot to say tonight. I am just writing my zine right now. I have issue 7 to go to print as soon as Officeworks opens in the City. Its possible that might be tomororw, though not sure 100%. I will have to find out in the morning. There are fears for a road I go down every day to get to work that part of it will go into the Brisbane River, like it did in the 1974 floods that were about the same as the ones a few days ago.

Anyway, the paracetamol and the ibuprofen I had earlier have made me tired, so I am going to go rest. Thanks for all your lovely comments and well wishes during the flood crisis, I really do appreciate every word you guys say. So yeah, thanks! Be safe, all of you and keep well :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

There is always hope :-)

no work and lack of food

My workplace is shut until next Thursday because of the floods as it is in one of the suburbs that got flooded. I don't think the buildings in the university itself got flooded but the roads and fields around the university did get flooded. It's weird because so much of the City is shut and there are no fruit and vegetables in the supermarket and the frozen food section is nearly empty. We managed to get a big bag of frozen vegetables and a packet of crumbed fish, but everything else is pretty much empty. There luckily is a lot of canned food and there is nearly no bread left.

The reality of what Brisbane and other flood affected areas of Australia is staggering. There are a whole heap of trucks trying to get through to bring food to the supermarkets that haven't been affected but the roads are cut. I believe they are letting some trucks through at 4pm today but I don't know which shops they are bringing food to and for that matter what food they have. There were hundreds of fruit and vegetable farmers that lost whole crops of food all the way up the Queensland coast and now 5 out of 7 states of Australia have been flood affected. Thankfully the flood waters have subsided greatly but the amount of silt that is left behind is unreal. It covers roads and is in houses all over the floors and residue up the walls. I am so thankful we are okay, but we are still affected because of no work [luckily I am still getting paid] and the food that is running out in our supermarket.I hope all of you out there in Brissy are doing okay. Be safe!

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Brisbane Floods - We have power!!!!

When I woke up this morning we had our power back on but I know that thousands of people aren't so lucky just 20 minutes away from me. I feel so sad for all my city has lost and it's going to directly affect everyone in some way. No one can get to work right now, there is no public transport expect a few buses and trains for those that need to get to work.We've all be told to stay home and stay out of the way of the river that seems to be engulfing everything in its path. It will be heartbreaking to see some parts of the city that you can't imagine would be under water, but it is.

Thank you for all those people that have commented, I really appreciate it. I have a USB mobile modem so I was able to turn my laptop on yesterday briefly to post. But since we didn't know what was happening with our power, the advice was that it would be off until Friday afternoon, I didn't want to run my battery down. I had my iPhone switched off for the same reason and it's really odd when there is no sound at night from white noise, just a strange quiet and all you can hear is the portable battery operated radio going and the voices of neighbours. The night is so much clearer without the lights, so you can see further in the dark. No fans or air conditioning, so ever if you get hot, nothing can help that except to open the window.

I sat with Andy listening to the radio by candlelight and lucky for us we have a gas BBQ, so we cooked our dinner on the BBQ. I'm sure there are many people out here that aren't so lucky with thousands displaced. I got tired early and took my little battery operated lamp upstairs and I read zines in the darkness of my room. We allowed Missy to sleep with us last night and she was really good. Though she did want cuddles at 4am but that's okay :)

I never realised how much I love my city until now. I wish and even hope that she comes out of this okay. I know the clean up with be enormous but we are strong, we are resilient and we are determined and we will rise up to help those that need it in any way we can. Be safe Brisbane!

*hugs*
Sarah

My city in all its glory, I hope it's not too long be it gets back to this

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Brisbane Floods - no power

So we have no power and the water is ages away from us. We apparently won't have any power until friday. I can't believe it. I guess they don't have anyone spare to fix it for us. Our shopping centre closed because of the power outtage. We have a gas BBQ that we can cook on and if worst comes to the worst we can go to my mother and father-in-laws place. They live 5 minutes away and they have power. We can charge our laptops and phones up and then come home to be with Missy. Though I think we could take her if it came to that. Andy's dad has a soft spot for her. I hope anyone else out there that is in Brisbane/Ipswich/Toowoomba and any other affected areas are okay! I'm thinking of everyone during this crisis and especially about those that have lost everything. Be safe guys!

*hugs*
Sarah

Brisbane Floods

Thank you to those that commented on my last post. We are okay here, despite the floods. We are higher up in Brisbane. The university I work has shut and you can't get into the City as it is near the Brisbane River and it is expected to go under. I can't believe how many places are under water. We are expecting a king tide this afternoon and that's when a lot of the places that are expected to flood will flood. I am listening to the radio as it has a constant commentary on the flood crisis. We won't flood here unless it is local flooding. We have the Kedron Brook really close to us and when we saw it yesterday it was right up. It may flood the carpark of the shopping centre near us. If it comes up another metre, we might start to get worried, but at this stage it is okay. The rain has stopped but it's just the water that has come down from Toowoomba and Ipswich that is a worry.

We'll have to keep our fingers crossed.

*hugs*
Sarah

[Edit: here are some photos]

The brook near us

The water, luckily altholugh this is close, it hasn't broken its banks

This pathway was under water, you can see how high it got

Under the bridge

Under the bridge also

The flattened grass with how high the water got the other day and it will peak again later today when we get a king tide

More flattened grass

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The floods - the water is coming

I'm sure many of you have heard about the floods in Queensland in Australia. I live in Brisbane and at the moment we don't know what is going  to happen. So many people have already been effected. I know our street is under water just down the road. The brook near us is really high. I'm not sure, if we get more water, where it will all go. Our office was closed at work today because there were too many people effected by the floods. It was like peak hour at 12pm. Unbelievable! Then we went to get some groceries and there were people panic buying everything from bottled water to eggs. The water that flooded Toowoomba is on its way down, which means that it is going to flood anything in its way.

The hospital I was in a few months ago was being evacuated today and my doctor cancelled on me for tomorrow, which is right opposite the hospital. I'm not happy because one of the admin people has cancelled my January 19 appointment and I don't have another appointment until 2nd February. I really need to see my doctor. I need to get scripts for my meds and I need to see her. I have to ring them tomorrow to find out if she can fit me in. Everything is so uncertain and I hate uncertain. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. Work told me today that they won't put my hours up until I see my doctor . I am thinking maybe they could see my nurse instead. I'm not sure, I would have to ask her. I am seeing her tomorrow thankfully. 

Uncertainty makes me anxious. I hate feeling like this.

*hugs*
Sarah

tiredness and zines

Work is so tiring. I can't believe it' is affecting me so much. I didn't think it would. I made it through my current hours yesterday and by the time I left I was exhausted. I only did half a day though. I did get a fair bit done for half day's work. I'm going to the doctor this afternoon to get a mental health plan to see a psychologist. This will give me six visits that will only cost me $30 for an hour after the rebate. I think this is awesome. I am going to do CBT, so I don't remember anything about it, but the lady I am seeing seems lovely. I see her friday next week.

I am going to print with issue seven of By the Skin of My Teeth on Thursday. I have started on issue eight. I am finding that I have slowed right down in the writing process and I'm enjoying the pace. I am moving towards other things besides mental health now. Anyway, I am excited to see how it comes out. Oh, I added a page up the top with my mini how to make zines or should I say, how I make zines if you're interested. Go on, go make one of your own. Then we can trade. If you want idea, have a look at www.etsy.com and look at some of the zines on there in the books and zines are and then the zines section. If you have any questions let me know.I hope you all have an awesome day/night, wherever you are in the world.

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, January 10, 2011

back to work today

In just over an hour I leave for work. It's Monday and I don't know how I feel about going to work yet. I guess I'll know when I get there. It's pouring rain and has been for a few days. I am so sick of the rain. I am going to try really hard to stay at work today for the full time I am meant to be there. I hope I can, I really do. I love my job but I don't like how tired I am getting from it right now. Hopefully I will be better this week because I've had three days last week. I have heaps to do, so that's good. I know I won't be bored. The only problem is I need to concentrate and I find that hard right now for extended periods of time. 

And for Sanguine Monday, just to be different

Sucess Stories:
I am happy
I am eating really well
I am becoming more and more okay with my weight as each day goes by
I am recovered from my ED
Missy is adorable [My kitty]
I had a really good weekend

Gratitudes/things that make me happy:
My Kitty
Being silly with Andy
I am seeing my psychiatrst in two day and she is awesome
My zines, both writing them and reading them

Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Negative feelings do pass if you sit in them long enough
I can work 3 1/2 hours a day and it will only get better
I have very supportive bosses, they have my best interests at heart
I can do anything I set my mind to

That's it for now folks, over and out!

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, January 9, 2011

optimistic

I am really optimistic today that I can get through my full 1/2 day [four days] this week at work. I know that I feel stronger than I did last week and I know I'll be okay. Though at the same time I won't push myself if I feel like I can't do it. I am aiming at getting through the week though and at least I have Wednesday off. I am hoping that the week after that, that I can add an hour or two, so that I get used to being at work. Or add an hour one week and an hour the next week. That would be good. I have to see Dr D though before they will allow me to do that. I see her Wednesday, so I'll see how I go. I really really hope that it all goes well.

Thanks for all the comments on my last post about my teeth and going to the dentist. I am now very aware that I grind my teeth during the day and that I clench them too. I am making myself be more mindful of this and I am trying to get a mouth guard for the nights. I can't afford one at the dentist just yet, so I am trying to get one from the pharmacy to start with. The only thing I am annoyed about is feeling a little sick on the anti-biotics. I will be happy when I have finished them but I have a fair few left. They are playing havoc in my tummy. Poor me! This afternoon I am just relaxing and I fell asleep for an hour and a half this morning.

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, January 8, 2011

dentist :(

She asked me if I clenched and ground my teeth. I said no, then when I left I was thinking about it and suddenly realised I was doing it right then and have caught myself going to do it or doing it all day long.

So what's this going to cost. It depends if I get two root canals and crowns for the cracks that I have in two teeth or if I get one tooth removed and another one filled to see if that works first. Possibly I will have to have that one removed as well. I can't afford to get root canals and crowns, so I am going with option two. First I was given anti-biotics to help with the infection and inflammation. Then I get the first tooth looked at on 19 January. Luckily both teeth are at the back, but still, it hurts :(

*hugs*
Sarah

exhaustion part II

I am very surprised that I haven't been able to cope as well as I used to at work. I know that I have been back this week, but I did my Thursday half day and then my Friday was exhausting. I had to leave at 10:45am because I made an error while I was doing a timetable grid,which made a whole hour's worth of work useless. Then I just couldn't get my concentration back. I just had to stop. It's lucky that my boss just says to make sure I listen to my body and to go when I'm tired. My goal next week is to stay for my four half days. I see Dr D for Wednesday for the first time since I was in hospital and I am looking forward to seeing her. She is an awesome doctor.

Today I have issue seven of By the Skin of My Teeth to put together and I am going to try and get a dentist appointment. My tooth is really bothering me right now. I am in a lot pain and have to take paracetamol every four hours to stop the pain. I have a huge hole in the said of a tooth and I know that's what the problem is. I am just hoping there is a cancellation. I don't know if there will be but I am so hoping. I don't know what I'll do if I have to wait.

In other news I have been asked to find a psychologist to do CBT with. I did find one and her name is also Sarah. She seems really nice in her email to me and she is in the city, which is easy for me to get to. I will let you know how this goes. I have to ring on Monday to make appointments with her. The other good thing is I will only be $30 out of pocket when I get the refund [which happens straight away] from medicare. I am going to see her on a mental health plan. I see the GP again on Monday afternoon to get all the paperwork done.

I hope you all have a good day/night depending on which side of the sea you are!

*hugs*
Sarah

[Edit - I got an appointment with my dentist for 1pm. I am so relieved!]

Friday, January 7, 2011

how things are

It was really nice last night having an amazing little bonding session with Missy my cat. When I went into hospital and then came out, she had bonded more with Andy than with me and I must admit that I was a little upset but I understood. Last night though she jumped on my lap all smoochy like she used to do. I adore this little kitty but last night made me love her even more. It felt nice and I think she could feel my turmoil my anxiety over work. When I slept yesterday afternoon when I came home really tired from work, she slept next to me on the bed the whole time. That's when the smooches started actually.

Last night I went to bed at 8pm tired again. I didn't think working only for 3 1/2 hours a day would bomb me out so much. But then I have to take into account of how long I was in hospital and that I am not used to this. I feel a tiny bit better this morning about the whole having to take it slow thing and in a way I am relieved. I know that the hours will go up and up as I get used to them, which is really good and at least I have enough money through this to pay my own expenses without having to ask Andy for money. I am so glad it's Friday and that I get to have the weekend off. I will need it I think to recover from this week. I think it's been emotionally exhausting as well but I have to listen to my body and be kind to myself. I need to follow my own advice I think as I am so hard on myself.

*hugs*
Sarah

P.S. Welcome to my new readers, I appreciate you taking the time to read my blog :)

Thursday, January 6, 2011

exhaustion

I had my review at work today and I was told that I am doing things way too fast. My hours got cut from 8:30-4:30 to 8:30 to 12:00 monday, tuesday and thursday friday. I did really well at the beginning of the interview and then burst into tears and had a panic attack in front of the lady. Then we had to have a meeting with my boss. They were all lovely and really helpful. My boss said he noticed I was really tired after lunch tuesday but I said I didn't notice unil 3pm.

They said they want to keep me their so they want to get my return to work done right. We all think I puked last night because of anxiety of seeing the lady today because I am not sick today. When I got home I slept for nearly three hours. I am still tired. It feels so abnormal to be this exhausted after only 3 and a half hours of work. Everyone agreed that my intention to come back so fast was good and I found out that my bosses were all really surprised that I came back early and that I got a medical clearnace. Now I have to re-do my medical clearance with my Dr D next week and we have to figure out how I am going to come back to work realistically.

I am blessed to have such amazing employers and that they are going to be okay with me coming back so slowly. I am behind in blogs at the moment too, I will catch up when I can. I do still have toothache but I can't get in to see anyone for a few weeks as there are two dentists on holidays.

*hugs*
Sarah

not the best :-(

I got a bit sick last night and I have two teeth that I really aching. I feel awful today. I didn't sleep well and now I have to go and do a full day at work. I have to see the HR person to see that I am not coming back too fast and I am worried that she will say that I am coming back too fast and reduce my hours. I feel a bit sick in my tummy again and I don't know wether it's nerves or that I am sick. I just don't know. I ended up vomiting last night a couple of times because I felt so bad. Andy woke up at the second one and says are you okay and two seconds later is snoring again. I was getting numbness around my lips too and I was really dizzy. I don't know whether the dizziness all my medication kicking in because I had only just take it all or what. UGH!

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

tired but happy

Well I made it back to work fine. I only needed a few things to be refreshed for me because things had changed from the normal processes that I had done before I left. I didn't start to get tired until about 2pm. I got there about 8:20am. I got totally exhausted by 3:30pm and I went home then early. Steve said to me to make sure I tell them if I am getting too tired and we'll look at my working hours. I have to see a senior HR person tomorrow, who talks to everyone that has come back to work after a long period of being away on sick leave. She'll talk to me and make sure I am no over-doing it. I am totally exhausted today. I am not working today because I don't work wednesdays anyway. That's part of the reason I wanted to start this week because it is a three day week for me and I felt it would be easier to ease in. I am happy though that I managed as long as I did after two and a bit months away. I am going to rest today and get ready for the rest of the week.

[don't forget my competition and giveaway which closes tonight. You can read about it here]

*hugs*
Sarah



 If only I could sleep all day

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

indication

Back to work today and if this is an indication, I think today is going to be and awesome day. Look what I woke up to.


Hope your day/night is awesome :-)


*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, January 3, 2011

excitement

Tomorrow is my first day back at work and I am actually really excited about it. I have been on such a high today because I know I am going back. I may not feel the same way this time tomorrow because I will be really tired after not working for just over two months. It's an awesome feeling though because I know that it will be quiet at work and I know that I will be basically doing easy stuff and fixing up my desk and doing timesheets for the last few months. It makes me feel good knowing I will be earning my own money again and not getting it all off of Andy.

It also will put us right with our money as my second pay will be a full pay and I will then be contributing to the household again. That makes me feel worthwhile. I always felt bad when I knew that Andy was our only source of income and I was taking money and not bringing anything in, but I know at the same time I simply was not able to bring any money in because I wasn't fit to work. I needed that time to recover and get better from my depression and the problems with eating.

I feel amazement every day that I look at myself and I see that my body is heavier. I look at it and it doesn't bother me at all. I keep waiting for the panic to set in and for me to become disgusted with myself, but it doesn't happen either. It is so awesome to feel like that. To know that I am truly a fair bit heavier and my eating disorder thoughts are not there at all. I think the ED really was a symptom of me being unwell and maybe I have been unwell for a fair amount of time and only appeared stable, when my doctor wouldn't change my meds and I really needed a change. I am not going to do anymore doctor-bashing but I will say that it's nice to have someone new. Though it will feel very weird seeing her not this week but next week instead of my old doctor.

I know I keep saying this but it's so awesome to feel so good. My excitement grows every day at the things I am noticing. I am looking around myself a lot more too, not just staring at my feet as I walk and I notice things the way my photography brain used to. I see so many things I want to photograph and the cool thing is I have my new little camera and I've been able to photograph some of these things while I've been out.

The only thing I may have issues with is falling asleep on the train. I woke up this morning I had taken too much seroquel last night and I fell asleep at 5:30am until 7:00am and that really can't happen tomorrow. Let's hope I am not too excited to sleep and I don't need extra seroquel. I have to remember all the things I used to. Oh brain, please stop racing! Not in a bad way but in a good way but still. It's making me dizzy :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, January 2, 2011

acceptance of 2010

I have made an important realisation after reading Syd's new years day post. Syd said "I have no idea what 2011 will bring. I do my best to not project into the future. I don't make resolutions. Instead, I will do my best to live daily with gratitude, acceptance, and hope in my heart". This got me thinking that I have been saying over and over that I couldn't wait to get away from 2010, that it was the worst year ever and those types of comments. What I have realised is that I wouldn't be here where I am without living 2010. I wouldn't have gotten married, I wouldn't have gotten a new psychiatrist, I wouldn't have found a permanent full-time job and I'm sure if I thought about it carefully enough, could come up with a dozen more things. I think it's really important to accept the  journey you've been on to move on and maybe this was the last piece in the puzzle that I needed to do to move on from 2010

2010 I accept you with all my heart. I let you go with gentleness

I hope you can all move on from whatever it is you had left over from 2010 and if you're not ready yet, you will know when you are. It's incredible that as soon as you realise that you have been holding on, it seemed to let go on its own. I just needed to say the words.

I have the perfect picture too to end this post. I was walking home from shopping today when we found some cockatoos walk around. They are so pretty, though I know they are pests in parts of Australia, I think they are still really pretty birds.

Oh and if you are interested in a competition to win a zine of your choice, a handmade card and bookmark please click here.


*hugs*
Sarah

New Years competition

I haven't posted about Bella and the Boys for ages, probably because of Missy and the fact that they have less to do in our lives here now. Although they are still mentioned pretty much at least once a day. There is a new recruit though. An owl named Harriet. So now 'Bella and the Boys' doesn't fit and girls and boys sounds silly.

So my competition is this. Come up for a new name for this little group of plush friends and you can win a copy of any zine of your choice on my zine page, you can see it up the top from the main page. An original card made by me [see handmade page the type of cards I make] and a book mark that is heat embossed by me.

All you need to do is just leave me a comment with a different name for my plush friends and I will pick the best entry Wednesday 5 January at Australian evening time. So probably Wednesday morning your time if you are across the sea.


A photo taken this morning, so from left Bella, Harriet at the back, Harold the hippo, Sigmund, Ziggy, Grover, Cookie and Solomon.


*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, January 1, 2011

2011 is here for Australia

I had a pretty uneventful night. I went to be early at about 8:30am and today is going to be the big one with the big family get together. There is drama there every year, usually be the young ones getting into arguments and fights with each other. I remember a few years ago a boyfriend and girlfriend refusing to sit next to each other in the car ride home and it created a huge problem because the others are actually quite large and couldn't fit in the car without a lot of sucking in of breaths and whatnot.

I am part of the way into my zine now and I am enjoying having the file open all day and just adding when I feel like it. Missy has been a crazy cat already this morning. She cracked me up before playing with her mouse and then hit it straight under fridge. I had to lay on the floor to get it out with a big metal ruler and then found a few more of her toys under there too.

Nothing interesting to say maybe I will say again what my resolutions are and I believe they are very doable.

1. Have less sick days at work
2. Have normality as much as possible [or the mundane is what I am trying to say]
oh I can think of one more
3. Do more creative stuff like card making and such [I lost this a bit last year]

I hope you all have a great celebration of the new year, if that's what you are after and if not a nice quiet new year.

*hugs*
Sarah