Monday, February 28, 2011

happy monday

I am feeling good today. Tired a bit but good. I am going up to my mum's place on wednesday and we are going ot her hairdresser and they are going to strip the colour out of my hair and put my natural or close to colour in it. My poor hair is going to take a beating but at least I will have normal heair instead of red and pink. It just really looks like a bad dye job and it is.

I am actually looking forward to seeing my mum and spending time with her. In the past, yes I know I have bagged her out but we have weird relationship where we will be really good with each other and then it will be really bad. We have a very borderline relationship and I believe her to have BPD too actually, which makes it really fun, NOT!

Today is about trying to find a purpose with being home. I have chores to do but I want to do some fun stuff too, some cards or try and come up with a zine idea. Every time I have tried to write a zine, I have canned it all and ripped it up and thrown it away and deleted all the words. I just have major writers block and I hate that. I know it will come and some point but it would be nice if it was now because it keeps me motivated.

Wow, I have 199 followers, I cannot believe that I am that interesting, he he. Thanks to all of you who read, comment or just lurk around the background and read now and then and don't comment. A special thakn you to those that comment all the time or some of the time. I really appreciate every one of you, not matter where you fit into the spectrum.

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Post 800 - Positivity

You have all been so awesome with your lovely comments lately. I am so grateful that you have taken the time to read and comment. I feel so much better this morning, though I think it was because I was chatting to my friend Dawn last night and she just cleared up some things. She reminded me of my life before Andy because she was around then. I've known her for over ten years and she is awesome. She is going through a break up at the moment, so I think that put it all in perspective for me and I am going to try so much more to help myself. Here is some positivity

Success Stories:
I made it through yesterday even though I felt really bad and wanted to hurt myself
I utilised PRN medication to help me through and I slept when I felt awful to keep myself safe
I am still here
I relised just how much I love Andy and Missy with my whole heart

Gratitudes/things that make me happy:


Missy just gave me the biggest smooches ever
I gave Andy the biggest hug this morning and told how good I feel
We are playing Dungeons and Dragons today, so that will be fun
Kittens playing or cats in general
Drinking my morning tea [like right now]

Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
You don't need to OD, baby steps, go moment to moment
You can do this, you went three years without an OD, so you can do that now
My life is important and it would be such a shame to throw it all away
I have to remind myself that I am important
I am awesome

Photo of the week

Missy in her Xerox box lid [Missy Box]

I hope you all have some positives too :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, February 26, 2011

it will be okay

I am think it's all going to be okay. There were some huge doubts on both sides and now I think they are ironed out a bit, though I am on thin ice. If I fuck up again, I think that will be it.

I also canned the zine I was writing. I completely deleted it and tore up the pages I had already done. I just don't have it at the moment and haven't for a month or so. At least I got My Baggy Pants 2 out. I guess it comes in waves and I had a huge wave of wanting to make zines and I guess you get peaks and troughs and I am in the trough right now.

I am going to dye my hair dark brown to cover up the red. I spoke to a hairdresser and she said that should be okay. So my friend is going to do it next weekend I think or the weekend after. So I will have my gastly red hair until then.

I'm sorry too if I have worried you all. I am just kinda going hour by hour here. I am taking a fair amount of PRN a day just to get through and that helping me to cope. Thankfully. I have told Andy that if I feel bad he has to take my lithium away because I am fixating on ODing on lithium and I know that would be really bad. He was fine with that and glad I was honest enough to tell him. Things are improving.

Thinking of you all and I am sorry that I am not commenting much, I am struggling to read blogs too because I am being triggered by a lot of things right now and I am just trying to keep safe. I miss reading though and somtimes I do try. Please understand that it's not any or you, it's me struggling to keep my head above water. Thank you for your comments.

*hugs*
Sarah

the talk

Andy and I spoke last night about breaking up. It was only a talk but we laid it all out on the table with him saying he was 50 percent either way. I was said I had thought about it too and I said if it did happen, he would still be my best friend but we decided to stay together for now and see how we go. I feel like it is going to happen and that we are going to break up at some point. I am really sad about that but I don't know that I can control my behaviour enough to stop him from leaving. He then asked me if I wanted to break up with him and I said no, but I am 50 percent too because I can't change who I am. This is me. I've held it all in for nearly four years and I don't know that I can hold it together much longer and then he'll walk. The good thing is Andy keeps his break up girlfriends as friends. I'm not saying this will happen. We are good at talking things through and I am checking in with him a lot to see how we are going and he is cool with that. He tells me what I've done wrong and how I can fix it. I really like this about him and I do love him so much. I wish that I could contol my BPD to not destroy this relationship altogether because of how much I love him. I hope this gets better.

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, February 25, 2011

how much do I need to change?

I feel like I am frantically trying to hang on to myself and so I do things like getting piercings and dyeing my hair because I like it and it makes me feel good and it's 'safe'. I would really love to OD right now. I have the urge and I feel like a train that is out of control and about to be a train wreck. I feel like nothing. I dyed my hair red today because that would make feel better but it didn't. I wished it was brighter, I am disappointed. I am sad, I don't know what to feel. I am scared. I don't ever feel safe anymore. I have made promises and broken them and I am acutely unwell right now I think. I don't know what to do.

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, February 24, 2011

made it through

I made it through the job capacity appointment and the lady that did it said she would be recommending I go on disability and that she can't see why, with her report and my doctor's forms, that I wouldn't get it. I am pleased about this and hoping it does go alright. She was a bit horrified that I had taken 40 aspirin on friday because of my fear of seeing her though. I must also admit there were tears in the interview but hey, that happens.

I got my nose pierced, though it is a little red and swollen right now, which you can see in the photo below, which was actually really hard to take i might add. I kept going backwards in the mirror.You can't really see it in this picture much anyway.


I just thought you should all know that I am okay, I survived the day and I'm tired but happy. Tomorrow I am going to start volunteer work with an organisation that fixes computers for kids up and donates them. I really want to learn to build my own computer [yes, I'm a nerd]!

Thank you to all of you who send me well wishes and support over the last week. It's been a rocky one but I think it will all be okay now.

*hugs*
Sarah

after all this angst

I am feeling so positive today. I have my assessment at 2pm and I'm getting my nose done just before that. I know I should wait until after but I know what to expect with my nose because I have had it done twice before. The only reason I took them out was for work. I think the job assessment is going ot go well. I have spoken to so many people and they have all said the same thing, that it's not a bit deal if you have a psychiatrist and you aren't coping with work that they tend to grant disability. I will not breakdown or fall apart. I can do this and I will do tihs no matter what. The only thing I worry about is bursting into tears. [But I'm sure I won't, hopefully ;-)].

Wish me luck!

*hugs*
Sarah

It is better to light a candle than to cause the darkness
~Eleanor Roosevelt~

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

new piercing

Okay, I am on a rampage with piercings and getting my old ones back. As a treat for getting through my job capacity assessment, if I do that is, I am getting my nose pierced. This is with Andy's knowledge and okay and he is going to buy something for himself that costs the same amount as my piercing. I am so excited, it is getting me over the fear of the meeting in a way. Something to look forwardt to afterwards. I know, pretty sad huh!

I am happy though. I saw Dr D today and when I told her that I was on a train wreckage and she agreed and I told her that I will get off at the next stop as in now. I told her I wanted her to cancel me for the list to go into hospital. The borderline in me was so pissed but I knew it was the right thing to do. I CAN do this and I CAN get through all of this. Tomorrow is the hurdle and that's all I can do but wait and see. Since I've been on disability before for about 8 years, I think I will be getting the okay. I will be fine and I have happy music going around my head and that's nice.

*hugs*
Sarah

I won't let it get me

I have decided that I am going to be happy no matter what happens tomorrow at my job capacity assessment. What will be will be and I can't change that. So why not just be happy and take responsibility of my mood myself. I am not going to let myself go into destructive mode any more, that's it. I'm done with that.

Today I see Dr D and I am going to tell her I don't want to go to hospital, even though she has put me on the list anyway. That I want to do this with her and the help of Sue. I am not going to let my borderline habits get out of control because they have been lately and I need to take resposibility for my own actions and I will.

I am going to let the borderline behaviours go and just be me. The me that is happy and the me that is creative. There is no better time to do that now that I am not working. I am free!

What's better than being creative :-)

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

To remind myself

I decided that I will use



Success Stories:
I went out today and came back without any self harm
I got given an emergency doctors appointment for Dr D tomorrow
Andy has been so awesome, I can't praise him enough
Missy just jumped on my lap and is on my computer watching the words go across the screen and she wants to get them, he he
That I still live after my overdose

Gratitudes/things that make me happy:
Andy and Missy
Cats in general
Andy's immediate family because they care so much
Zine making and card making
Watching Missy play

Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
You don't need to 'show' your feelings, you can just say 'help me please' instead of doing something drastic like overdosing
I am worthwhile to myself and Andy and others
Everyone has up and down days
My needs are just as important as anyone else's



Photo of the Week

The new bikes for hire in Brisbane, you pay to hire one but there is no one there to oversee it. f they go missing, what can the government do? I understand the why of doing it but not how to police it.

Monday, February 21, 2011

doing okay

Thank you all for your lovely comments and for your suggestions. I will take them all on board. The good thing is really that it did wake me up. Andy said one word that really made me cry yesterday 'Susan'. Susan was Andy's cousin and she committed suicide a few years ago and I remember the funeral and how desperately upset Damien was. I cannot and will not put Andy and his family through that. I rang his mum and dad yesterday and I said sorry and I told them I loved them and how I wished I had parents like them and his mum said 'well we really are your parents now'.

Andy and I are doing okay. I am doing everything in my power to make amends. I hurt him badly and I can't do that, it's not fair on him or any of my friends or myself. OH and Missy! I am going to call my doctor today and try and speak to her and get an appointment this week and then make weekly times for now. I am currently only on fortnightly visits.

I am sorry too if I worried any of you. Rest assured that this stops right now, right here.

*hugs*
Sarah

Andy and I must stick together through this and we will be okay. I just know it in my heart! Isn't this photo cool, I found it on photobucket under "colour splash"!

Sunday, February 20, 2011

overdose - wake up call

On friday I had a bright (not) idea of overdosing. I took 40 asprin and then realised what I had done and got some help in the form of the police. They called an ambulance and I had a long wait in hopital to get seen and they kept taking bloods to see my asprin levels. At one stage they had gone right up. I also got upset and pulled out my canula and then there was blood everywhere. I had then to wait in a chair and I didn't get to the short stay emergency ward until 3am. I kept falling asleep everywhere too. Even in the chairs. I had my bloods taken and finally I was fit to go to the psychiatric emergecy centre, also known as PEC. I sat there for ages asleep in the chair until my neck got so sore they gave me a bed and I just pulled the pillow out of the way and I slept nearly the whole day. When I saw the doctor which was at about 6pm, she was really nice. I liked her a lot.

Thing is, I nearly killed the thing that Andy and I had together. He told me he was really close to ending it with me. The thought of that is making me cry right now. How can I trust that he won't if something happens again? With something I mean hospital or anything psych-wise. I'm a complete and utter fucking screw up. I feel like a nothing and don't deserve any kind of kindness at all.

***

Fast forward an hour and a half and I am feeling better. I still don't feel good about what happened and I am terrified that Andy will leave me. I am going to try and get an appointment with Dr D this week if I can. I really need to talk to her and try and get myself on a more even keel. She is going to kill me. My impulse control itself is awful.

There is one thing and this is the wake up call. This is the time I must turn this around and I must try and assist in my own recovery. I have been so unstable for so long that it's not even funny. Part of me wants to hybenate and just stay away from the world, but I have four committments this week. (1) Go to meet my friend Jo tomorrow (2) Go to the zine meeting at the Brook RED centre on wednesday (3) Go to the women's group on Thursday and (4) Go to my work capacity assessement (which is terrfying me actually and I think part of the reson I am feeling like I am).

I really hope I start to feel better soon.

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, February 18, 2011

all I am is skin and bone

I am writing a new zine at the moment called Stripped Bare and oh my gosh it really is peeling the layers away and it is really painful to write. I am struggling with being out of hospital and this morning I have had the urge to OD. I told Andy straight away and had a cry and then together we went and I got some PRN meds to make me feel a little better and it has worked. Now I can go and do some cut and paste and try and relax.

I am going back to a mental health recovery place today that I haven't been to for ages. They offer peer support and I am looking forward to going there three days a week. This will keep me busy and I will meet others that are struggling too. We can commiserate together. I am going to leave at 8am and go from there. It is over the otherside of town and it will do me good to chat to people there.

I am feeling just so shaky right now, as in I am scared of relapse. I will tell Sue about this and she might come and see me again early next week. Sue is my outreach nurse and I really like her. She is the one that tries and keeps me out of hospital. I really hope it works this time. I hope you are all feeling better than me. Be safe, all of you!

*hugs*
Sarah

My pathway is uncertain

Thursday, February 17, 2011

depression that comes from boredom

I know that many of you would have experienced this. The depression that comes from boredom. It's a tough one because if you realise that you can't work, like I have and then what is there to do. You have seven days to fill in and not a lot to fill it with. I had this dilemma today when I realised that out of hospital, where I don't have anyone to see or talk to, that I felt down in the dumps and outright depressed. It's not the type of depression that you need to up your meds with, it's just the type of depression that hangs onto nothingness.

So I decided to be proactive. I remembered this place I used to go to that is for people with mental health issues and so I rang them and found out all the activities that are happening next week. I am thinking of going to some of these, particularly the women's group on Thursday and I might go on Monday afternoon for the jamming session and another day too, not sure yet.

Boredom/depression sucks, so lets kick it in the arse!

*hugs*
Sarah

yesterday

Wow, what a full day it was yesterday. Firstly I decided to have coffee and then go off to the city and on the way decided on whim to get my eyebrow pierced, see last post. I was really happy with the piercing and I know I would be because I have had it done before for several years. It didn't really hurt and it was really quick. There was just one sting when the needle went in but I've had my lip done before too and my nose and boy, they hurt a lot more.

Then I went to uni to get my separation certificate for centerlink because I had to prove I wasn't working anymore. While I was there I found out about my interview I have to have to qualify, I hate those so I go a bit anxious when she told me it is the 24 February. Then it was off to Merthyr Villlage to kill some time but I got bored. I was waiting for my doctor's appointment, so it was off to New Farm Consulting Suites where I see my doc. The hospital I was in was right opposite so I texted my friends who were still in and I went visiting. They both have had the centerlink interview and the reassured me that it would be alright with my history and that their's weren't bad at all.

I then saw my doc who was less than impressed with my impulsivity but said I had to take responsibility and then she said that she liked the piercing. We had a long talk about lots of different things and she gave me a heap of samples to help me out with my tablets and said she'd see me in two weeks. She was also thinking the Winton job for Andy was a good idea. As I was leaving she said, I like you Sarah! Which was so nice to hear.

Then it was back to the city by bus and then on to the train to go home. I got home about 5pm and I was so tired it wasn't funny. I went to bed at 7pm and I woke up at 5am. So I was really tired. I hope you all had an awesome day/night too and if not, I hope you feel better tomorrow.

*hugs*
Sarah

To awesome crazy days :-)

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

new jewellery

A quick short post for you tonight, I am exhausted. I will tell you all tomorrow about today's happenings all but my new piercing. I got my eyebrow re-pierced today. Here's a pic!


*hugs*
Sarah

maybe Winton

Now that I am not workiug, part of the deal was to move where the work is for Andy and there is an opportunity come up that he is going to apply for in Winton which is in outback Australia. It would be a huge change but I would be able to fly down and see my doctor once every two months and see if I can get phone appointments weekly for the in between times. We would be able to afford to live in a house and we could get a dog AND Andy would be really happy there. He has worked in Winton before and loved it.

I kind of feel at a crossroad and so does he and it feels like a big change is something I'd like to try. I am going to talk to Dr D about it today and see what she says. I'm not sure what she'll say. I hope she is going to be supportive about it. That would be awesome having her on board. I need my psychiatrist and there aren't any around that area at all, not even in Longreach, which is an hour or so away. I could see a GP in the meantime between her visits. I might even be able to get the GP to talk to Dr D and so he knows the deal.

I am so happy to be home. One of the things I decided was that I would exercise every day and so yesterday I swam 20 laps of our pool her in our complex. I was so puffed out and kept having to stop but I did it. Yay me. I was so proud of myself. I am hoping for a swim again today again. I also have to go to Centerlink, joy oh joy. I just LOVE going there NOT! Hope you are all well and hello to my new readers, thanks for coming along for the ride :-)

*hugs*
Sarah





These photos are of Winton

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

going home

I am sitting here at it is nearly 3:30am and I can't sleep because of my excitement. The nurses just made me toast and a cup of tea and it was yum. I was really hungry. I don't know if I will get back to sleep, I hope so, sometimes getting up and doing stuff makes me tired so it helps. I am a bit tired now already.

So I am being discharged today and I can't wait to get home. I am so happy! I had hoped my doc would let me go sometime this week but when she said how about tomorrow as a joke, I went yeah, I'd love that and she went "really?"

I get to see her again on wednesday anyway because I have an appointment already booked and she wanted me to keep it. Sorry if this sounds all scatterbrained but I'm just too tired and excited.

*hugs*
Sarah

Happiness is...

Monday, February 14, 2011

Positive Monday

I decided that I will use



Success Stories:
I went shopping yesterday and bought a swimsuit and me and another patient are going swimming today
I woke up happy and I feel good
I think I will be going home this week [I hope :)]
I filled in my disability forms and am taking them in today
I finished a book I have been trying to read for a month

Gratitudes/things that make me happy:
Andy and Missy
Cats in general
Andy's immediate family because they care so much

Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I am worthwhile and useful to the community
It's okay to have down days, it's a natural part of living
My headache will pass eventually
My needs are just as important as anyone else's


Photo of the Week

I know he/she is scary but I love the contrast, I took this yesterday :)

Sunday, February 13, 2011

I went home for leave yesterday

I got to go home for the day yesterday as it was Andy's mum's 70th birthday. At one point I started to bawl because I didn't want to come back to hospital and I had missed Missy and Andy so much and Andy came over and gave me a big hug. Missy was all stand off-ish with me and wouldn't let me pat her which made me feel bad though she did play springs with me. This is where we through her her springs she got for Xmas and she chases them and pounces them. I think I just have to engage her a lot when I get home, which I hope will be this week. I think Dr D will find it really good that I didn't want to come back to hospital.

I found the birthday bash very tiring because I had a nerve pain headache. I think it's because I am having pillow problems again and can't get comfortable but when I lay on my bed at  home yesterday it was sooooo nice and soft and I wanted to stay even more. When I first got to Andy's folks place, Jodie, Andy's cousin was there and she hugged me and said "I hear things haven't been to bad" which made me have a few tears but then I was fine and had a good time, regardless of the tiredness. All in all, it was a lovely day with lots of food.

When I came back to hospital I had dinner and then when some cliques started to clash with each other I left and watched The Mentalist on DVD and then went to bed. I have woken up today again with my nerve pain because of the whole pillow thing again but have had some neruofen for it. I hope it goes away soon and doesn't turn into a four day headache. Wish me luck! Oh yeah, check out my photography 2011 page with new photos from today.


*hugs*
Sarah

Missy in her Missy Box - you can even see the chew marks, he he

Friday, February 11, 2011

I resigned from my job

I did it, I resigned yesterday and it feels awesome. Andy and I have a plan that I will do all the housework and I will do volunteering. Getting disability can be hard here, but I was on it for about 10 years a little while ago, so I don't think I will have a problem. The only problem might be Andy earning too much but in a way I have a feeling that it's not that much and it will most likely be okay. I do feel like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders.

I was very anxious after the resignation because I started to second guess myself but after speaking to Andy, we made some rules in relation to me forgetting to clean and stuff like that, which he finds frustrating. We have a code word that he will say to me that I must not take offence to but it is telling me that I am getting slack. I was the one that came up with this.

I know I did the right thing and that's all that matters :)

Don't forget to enter into my giveaway of My Baggy Pants 2, click here if you want to have a go. 

*hugs*
Sarah

I feel like the sun has come out... finally :)

Thursday, February 10, 2011

we made a deal

Yesterday and I made a deal. I am allowed to not go back to work, ie go on disability, if I go anywhere with him that his museum work takes him, including other states or out in small towns in Queensland. I said yes, that that was okay with me because I cannot face work, I just can't. Every relapse has been because of work and I don't want to keep doing this. I don't want to keep ending up in hospital. I will volunteer instead somewhere so that I am still doing something. I am so so relieved about this. You have no idea.

*hugs*
Sarah

 happiness is...

I got a new award! The Honest Scrap Award. This one makes me super glad 'cause I keeps it real & I'm glad you can see that. Thanks to Yaya from Adventures in Yayaland for giving me this award. :) I've seen this award on other pages and it says that in order to accept it you must share something(s) about yourself. This might be hard so I thought I'd share things that people might not know about me:

1. I love Tori Amos music, she is awesome and I have all her albums. I have loved her music since 1993
2. My favourite colours is pink and purple
3. I just bought Sims 3 and I think I'm going to get addicted
4. I go to bed at 8pm and get up between 5:00 and 5:30 in the morning, sometimes earlier
5. I dislike most seafood, where as Andy's and my family love it
6. Today I am wearing people and back socks with my crocs
7. My favourite food is chocolate, followed by cake [so there old ED]
8. I am recovered from a five and a half year long eating disorder
9. I love teasing Missy my cat and my husband, I have a great sense of humour and I love to laugh
10. I don't like burnt toast, even if it is only slightly burnt

I give this award to all of you out there that would like to do it. Go on, have a go :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Positve Wednesday

I decided that I will use



Success Stories:
I spoke out when I was feeling unsafe and I then get the support I needed for it
I printed a new zine My Baggy Pants too and started a competition for people to win one - click here
I am still alive

Gratitudes/things that make me happy:
I found out that my contract with vodaphone had run out and now I have a telstra one and I have good internet in my room, woohoo for that :)
Andy and Missy my cat
Snuggling in bed as my room is really cold

Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I am not useless, worthless or hopeless because I can't work right now
I will get better, I just have to give it time

Photo of the day

Missy helping Andy work

Stay well everyone and be safe and gentle with yourselves and that includes me doing the same :)


*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

centerlink... joy oh joy

Those of you who live in Australia will know how hard it is to deal with centerlink. One of the other patients here call them centerwank but anyway, that's not the point. The point is I have been trying to call them for two days now and every time I call it is engaged. I often sit for ages pressing the hang up button and immediately trying again but to no avail. I need to figure out a question they have on one of their forms for sickness allowance and I need it today, so that's why it's so annoying. I have to take the forms in today after Andy signs his part this morning. I just wish it was easier and not to mention how much more complicated their forms have become since I was on disability. It's almost like they make the forms hard so you give up. Wish me luck!

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, February 7, 2011

My Baggy Pants 2

I know that a number of you have been interested in My Baggy Pants zine that I put out last year. While holed up in my pyjamas on category 4 and not able to do a lot, I wrote the second issue. It a little shorter in length at 24 pages, but I hope that those of you that got My Baggy Pants, will be interested in My Baggy Pants 2.

To kick start of the listing on Etsy of this zine, I am giving away a copy of it. All you have to do is tell me why you want to win and I will select a winner on Saturday night (Australian time). You can be anywhere in the world too, so don't be shy.


Be Well and say NO to ED!

*hugs*
Sarah

positives

It's been a while since I posted positives. I haven't had that many lately but I thought I would make myself see some of them anyway.

My five positves for today
1. I am in hospital which will hopefully make me better
2. I have three months off of work
3. I finished my zine My Baggy Pants 2 and just have to print it
4. I found out that a useless mobile broadband I had through a company I don't like, that my contract had run out so I could cancel it and I didn't even know. I got it cancelled, yay
5. I got a new pre-paid mobile broadband that works in my room, a big yay for that. No more sitting on the front steps of the building

I am sorry if I am not commenting much right now. I am struggling to concentrate so I find it hard to read. Though for some crazy reason I can write okay. I hope you are all well. Hello to my new readers, pleased to see that you have come along my journey with me. Feel free to comment and say hello.

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, February 6, 2011

depression

Today I feel very depressed. I don't really know why other than I feel like a complete and utter failure. I wonder if taking time off is really a good idea or if I have just totally fucked up. I feel like a total fuck up. I don't know what else to say or to do. I want to sleep and sleep and sleep because when you're asleep, the world can't hurt you. It only hurts when you wake up :-(

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, February 4, 2011

committed

I learnt my lesson from running away from the hospital and now I am completely committed to getting better. My doctor told me that I am still suffering from borderline personality disorder and I think I have finally accepted that too. It was hard because I didn't think I had it anymore. It comes with such a stigma attached and I really didn't want to be labelled with it.

I made 'cat 1' too. I am currently waiting on my gabapentin script to be filled at a different hospital. My script is done by my pain management team and I can only get it from here, which sucks and I have to wait for an hour for the script to be done up. I'm tired and I have a headache because I ran out of these pills and they are for my headaches. I can't post much now as my money runs out soon on this pay as you go computer.

I do hope you are all well. I am working on My Baggy Pants 2, which I never thought I'd write. I am halfway through it at the moment back at the hospital. I will hopefully get that out soon. Wish me luck with it.

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Sarah had a bright idea

I am in hospital and have been since Monday. On Monday I was put on "cat 3" which means restricted to the ward. This is normal for a first day and I was fine with that until the next morning when I went to play sims 2 on my computer and the disk was at home. So I had the impulsive bright idea to get together some money and shoes and my train/bus card and go into the city without permission and no one knew where I was.

I got to the city and bought sims 3 and then realised I was going to have to come back. I rang the nurses and told them where I was and when I returned my doctor, who had obviously been called, said 'what did you do?' and then came and talked to me. She put me on cat 4, which is restricted to your wing, in PJs, you have all your stuff taken away and it sucked. I couldn't even eat in the dining room but had to eat in my room.

I have learnt my lesson big time. I was having a very borderline moment or two ! I am now on cat 3 again and hope to make cat 1 tomorrow, which means I can leave the hospital for walks and stuff :)

*hugs*
Sarah