Thursday, March 31, 2011

hospital

One Tuesday I was really proud of myself for taking myself off the list for coming into the hospital. But then at 2pm, I got a phone call from the hospital saying my bed was ready. I was kind of stunned and didn't know what to do, so I rang my nurse Sue, and she said, if you have any hesitation at all, go!

So I get home and Andy has cooked some shortbread biscuits, he bought me a little chocolate bunny, he had done all these awesome things and I had to tell hime I was going to hopsital. He also planned a meal for us too and I know from asking him later that he was really disappointed. I really didn't know what to do though. When I rang the hospital to cancel the bed, Mick said that he would call Dr D and ask her if that was all okay. I think maybe she said no.

So yesterday, after being in for one night I wanted to go home. I hadn't unpacked, I wanted to be with Andy and Missy and I was really upset I had to stay, so I said if I couldn't go I would just go any way as I am a voluntary patient. I had another patient, also called Sarah, say to me, are you on an ITO (Involuntary Treatment Order) and I said no. Apparently the nurses were talking about a Sarah that was on one or going on one. I think if I had tried to leave they would have put me on an ITO.

When my doctor arrived, she bought a nurse with her with 20mg of zyprexa with her and they told me to take it. I was a little shell shocked to be honest. I was feeling really fine, and on Tuesday the only reason that I came in was because I assumed my doc said no to cancelling the bed. I have now unpacked. I have a family meeting tomorrow with me, Dr D and Andy to work out what to do from here. I have been getting more and more unstable since I stopped work and I am thinking that is the key, to be working. I know it would help me and Andy financially too.

I've got to fix this head of mine up !

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Taking responsibility

I had a choice. I could go to hospital or I could listen to my voice in my head telling me it was the wrong thing to do. I was going for all the wrong reasons, not to mention my connection with Missy lately and most of all Andy! When I got up this morning I told Andy that I was going to not go to hospital. At first he was bit unsure but the he was elated. I think starting CBT at the hospital and have two meals with the inpatients unhinged me andestabilized me. I am so happy I decided not to go. Now I can look forward to my Kindle arriving. Thank you all for sticking with with me over the last few rocky days!

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, March 28, 2011

confession time

I have stopped taking half my medication. I don't know why though. It feels like it is hurting me somehow and I know that is the illness talking. I have stopped taking lithium, seroquel XR and cut my pristiq does in half. I guess it's lucky I am going into hospital today. I am going to have to beg and plead though in case there are people before me. On Saturday I was the top of the list but things can change fast there. I will ring Mick at 8am and see if there is a bed for me. I hope there is. There are a lot of discharges on Mondays. I need help with this because I can't do it on my own. I don't know how I feel mood wise. I normally have a bad day when I've stopped something as I've found out from recent experience. I don't know if I will get withdrawals because I haven't stopped them all at the same time. I've been off lithium for over two days. I have been off seroquel XR that long too but I did take it on friday night but not last night. I stopped half of the pristiq this morning. Dr D is going to be so mad at me ! I don't want to be a bad person!

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, March 27, 2011

hospital

Firstly, welcome to my new readers. I cannot in my right mind believe there are 201 of you out there wishing to read my dribble. I don't know if I said I had stopped taking lithium and seroquel cold turkey because I thought they weren't helping me. Well I after the incident in my last post, I think I was wrong, but I still don't believe the lithium was helping so I haven't started to take that yet but I did start the seroquel and feel more even. I know, I know, shouldn't have messed with my meds but I did and it's done. My moods are all over the place. Right now I feel fine but I have had that many PRN drugs today that I am not surprised I am feeling like this. It's either this or sleeping. I have slept so much that I am sore when I do lay down.

I am on the top of the list for hospital tomorrow. I was meant to get a bed today but a more urgent case came through. I should be admitted tomorrow as they usually have a heap of people in that leave on the monday. I was pissed in a way but then maybe I can get a bed on unit 1, my favourite ward. Though it wouldn't matter if it was one of the others, it's just that unit 1 has some new rooms that are gorgeous, they are like hotel rooms almost. The other rooms are older and you share a bathroom with someone of the same sex that I are okay too.

In other news I have bought a Kindle. I have to wait until it's delivered but I am really excited about it. I never thought I would buy one but the idea of reading big thick books, which I have trouble holding because of the weight of it, it would be awesome to read on that really light slim gaget. I will most likely be in hospital when it arrives, which sucks. I am meant to get it anyway between 30th March to 4 April. I really hope I am out by then but if not, Andy said he would try and bring it to me or I can come home and pick it up myself if I am on leave. That way, then I could put some books on it to take back to hospital with me or if I am home, to read here and carry around with me. I have put a heap of books for the Kindle on my wish list, so I don't forget which ones I want to read first :)

Hope you are all well and safe and here's to no more stupidity!

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, March 25, 2011

the pressure cooker has blown

Panic set in about lunch time today and I was pacing and crying and all I wanted to do was self harm. I tried to ring my doctor but hadn't heard back and I was saying over and over while crying, I just want to self harm. It's not fair I can't and in the end, after half an hour of being really worked up I did it. I self harmed and I thought right then that my relationship with Andy was over. I went upstairs and I opened the bedroom door where he was sleeping and I said I'm really sorry but I think I just ended us. He got up confused and then saw the tissue I was holding to my arm and he just hugged me. He had a look at the wound and helped me clean it up and said it's not over, it's just a bump in the ride. My eyes are still burning from the crying I did and it's nearly four hours later. I feel better for the release but I feel bad for Andy for being stuck with me.

*hugs*
Sarah

not good

I'm sure some of you have wondered why I haven't blogged in a few days because I normally do so every day. I have had a horrible few days. I've already been in tears this morning and it's only 7am. I feel so horrible. I stopped taking my lithium and seroquel a few days ago and am now back on it but I think that has been part of the reason I feel the way I do but the other part is Andy. I feel like I am crawling on the edge of a knife. I am sorry if that analogy upset some of you, but it does feel like that. We had the break up talk again yesterday. He told me my illness has cost him $4000 and I feel so horrible about that. He said he doesn't tell me these things because I get upset so easily. I started off positive in the beginning of the week but it has just plummeted.

There is one positive note. I started CBT at the hospital I am going to and I will go tuesday and thursday and then after that I am going to ask to DBT again with the hospital. I can also afford to get my owl punch and a few dies for my card making. I am very excited about this. I have started By the Skin of My Teeth is 5.5. You may remember I already had an issue 5, 6 and 7 but I realised upon reading them that they were highly embarrassing and horribly written, so I canned them. I have one copy and all the rest went into recycling. I haven't written anything since late January, so this is good. Though today I have a horrible headache and neck pain. The tears didn't help. I also am going to be doing an third issue of My Baggy Pants. I am going to talk about how it feels to be heavier by a large amount than when I was almost anorexic and how I cope each day with that.

Other than that I have come up with a cool idea for something to sell on ebay. I am not going to go into it because I don't want to give it away and have someone else beat me to it. But let's just say that it's crafty and I haven't seen this on ebay. Okay, I'm off now but will try and catch up on blogs soon.

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, March 21, 2011

Creativity has returned

In the last day I have made eight cards. I am so excited about this. I have also written eight pages of my next zine. I am can't believe that all this has finally lifted and I can get back into doing what I love. It's been so hard to see all the things I love to do, including the things I used for distraction, disappear. I can also read again and I was able to sit through a few episodes of the The Mentalist. I am so stoked.

I am currently reading Grave Secret by Charlaine Harris. I love this series of books. I am almost through the whole thing and I only got it on friday. Granted it's not a thick book but I think that was why I was drawn to it, plus I love the main character Harper Connelly who senses dead people. I think after this book I am going to really try and finish two others that I have been reading for months The Girl That Kicked the Hornet's Nest and 2nd Chance by James Patterson. I am most of the way through the second one and over half way through the first one. I am so loving life right now and to top it off, I have another card class today :)

*hugs*
Sarah

I'm flying

Saturday, March 19, 2011

I'm sure you're getting dizzy

Things change so fast around here. Today Andy told me that it's no financially viable for us to move to Winton. He said unless this guy up there can come up with some that is spectacular, he is going to withdraw his application and focus on Brisbane. Today he says it's okay I don't work.

So how do I feel about all this. I am okay. I think he will kick himself if he changes his mind some time down the track but I think he is right about the financial side. We would have to go into debt by about $7000 to just move everythign there and put down the bond for a house. The other thing too is that I found out that I am eligible by our health fund to do CBT at the hospital I was in last year and this year. This is really good news. I thought my health fund didn't cover it but I am fully covered.

It is pissing down rain outside today. I went out this morning for coffee but since then I have been sleeping and reading and I just listed some D&D handbooks online on ebay. I hope they sell because if so I can get my owl punch I want so badly. They are basically new but we prefer the old 3.5 edition rules rather than the 4th edition. Yes, I'm a nerd ;-)

I am feeling better too. Missy slept on my lap for the first time since the end of October last year, this morning. I was so stunned that she did it! I have wanted her to come snuggle with me for ages but she is not that kind of cat, so I just smooched with her this morning for ages when I got up [at 4:30am mind you]. I just can't sleep these days. I am tired by 7:30pm and am up by 4:30am. I'm finding it very annoying actually. It's boring at that time. Ooohhh and it's bunny season [of the chocolate variety]. I love bunnies. I will admit I have already had three!

Talking about good things. I had the first day ever in five years that I forgot to weigh myself completely on a saturday morning. I got up, the scale was there, I didn't notice it, I had a cup of tea and then had my tablets and then went woah, forgot about that, no worries, don't care and went on about my business. How awesome is that :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Happiness is...

Friday, March 18, 2011

Positives for Friday

This week has been up and down but has ended on an up, which is awesome. Here are my positives


Success Stories:
I managed to convice Andy that moving to Winton was what I wanted
I made a card today that wasn't made in a class
I am reading a book that I am really enjoying
We have worked out a plan for moving to Winton
Gratitudes/things that make me happy:
Missy and I had big smooch sessions this morning when I woke up at 2:40am
I managed to get back to sleep after said smooch session
I got some new nose studs today that are really pretty

Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Just because I have one bad day, doesn't mean all my days will turn out that way
It is okay to feel hurt when someone you love says something that you don't like or agree with
Everything will work out the way it needs to
You make your own future


Photo of the Week

I know I've posted this before, but I love this photo of outback Australia. I simply cannot wait to get there :)

 *hugs*
Sarah

it's on again

Well Andy has changed his mind and it is all on again. We are fired up and rearing to go. It looks like he will be going up for an interview on monday or tuesday next week, but by the sound of things, he has it in the bag. The guy he has been negotiating with is now trying to get more money for the position so that it will be a better deal for Andy. This is the guy that Andy would be reporting to by the way. He is also looking into acommodation for us when we get there. He has the name of a removalist to get all our stuff up there and has even offered to help me find a job when I get there.

The way we'd work it is that I would stay here and pack the house up with the help of his parents and he would go up and start work. He would then look for a house for us and then would get me to come up when we have enough money to move everything up. I am so happy that this is happening. I really wanted this and to have Andy say no the other night kind of crushed me a bit. Now that it's back on, I am really excited. So country, hey there, here comes city :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, March 17, 2011

down

I have been away for a few days because I haven't really known what to say. Winton has possibly fallen through because of lack of funds out our part. We can't afford to move house and there doesn't seem to be any rental houses out at Winton. I wish there was because I think then things would be different. I have been feeling up and down and all over the place because of this. Yesterday I bombed myself out on seroquel so I didn't have to face the world. Not good!

Andy told me yesterday I have to work, whereas a few weeks ago, it was fine if I didn't. Then this morning it was no it's okay but now and then it would be helpful. Confused? Yes! I put my name down to do night fill at our local supermarket which is like two minutes from our house. You start at 8pm and finish at midnight and if I did three shifts a week, I wouldn't be over the amount of hours that I can work on disability and we would have extra money.

I feel frayed. On edge. Confused and fucked up. I have no closure on Winton because the guy was not answering when Andy called a few minutes ago. I need him to say that no we can't give you more money, thanks for applying and for both parties to let it go. Right now we don't know what he will say when Andy says it's not enough money and we can't find a house. So frustrating having to wait. I'm just so over all of this. Andy's job search seems to be in vain and we have nearly no money :(

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Positivity in card making

Today I went to a card making class with the group I normally go with and it was awesome. We laughed, we ate, we told stories and jokes and generally had a really great time. I made four gorgeous cards that our teacher, Jan, made for us and I tell you what, she designed these cards I I just think she is awesome.

The first card

Card number two

I think this is my favourite because of the owl

This one is so pretty though. I love them all really though

I am feeling pretty damn great right now. I am happy, I have an amazingly supportive husband who loves me and my kitty is pretty awesome too. I think one of the things I have to keep reminding myself is to take joy from the small things and the other bigger things can be sorted out as they come along. Be kind to yourselves!

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, March 12, 2011

wedding anniversary

I am so happy today as Andy and I are having our first year wedding anniversary. We are very untraditional and there were no presents but just said happy anniversary this morning. We have now also been together for four years as of two days ago. I can't believe that it's been that long. It's awesome because before Andy, my relationships only used to last for five months tops. Not beyond that. I am happy to have found an awesome person to be with. Missy also curled up with me this morning and I finally think she knows I am not going back to hospital any time soon, so we are bonding really well. She is such a treasure.

I am so lucky!

*hugs*
Sarah


Thursday, March 10, 2011

delusional thinking

I have had some delusional thinking today. When I was walking home from getting coffee, I saw a cockroach and wondered if it had a brain. Then I wondered if ants had brains. Then I wondered how many ants I was standing on and killing and if there were particles all over the ground that I couldn't see. Then I started to worry that the air wasn't really clear and that it was just thick with particles and I was breathing them all in and when I breathed out, it looked like smoke but I just couldn't see it. I started to hyperventilate. As I got closer to home I heard a bell go and I then thought that this validated all my thoughts.

I couldn't come on here earlier either because it felt wrong. I can't explain it. I rang Sue, my outreach nurse and she told me to do reality testing when I start feeling like this and to take some zyprexa, which I did. I now have the thoughts under control but they haven't gone away. I keep having these weird little thoughts as I am doing things, like I have two trains of thought at once. A normal one and a weird one .

I hope this goes away soon.

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

awesomeness

I am so happy right now. I rang centerlink yesterday and asked them if there was a payment I could go on while I wait for disability to come through and they said yes and that they will make a note about it and it would take about two weeks.

I was sitting on the bus on my way home from Dr D and I get a phone call from them saying it had already gone through and I was getting paid today. I couldn't believe it and I would get my back pay on Saturday. Sure enough the money was there and now I feel so unbelievably awesome because I was able to give Andy some money towards the house and all the money I get on Saturday I will give to him as well and I have plenty for me for the fortnight. This is one amazed and happy Sarah as centerlink usually take forever and stuff things up. They didn't this time :-)

I hope you are all doing okay and thanks again for all your comments, they mean a lot to me. Hello to new readers, thanks for reading!

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, March 7, 2011

time to be kind to myself

For so long I have been thinking awful things about myself. I internally treated myself really badly but now I realise that it's time to be nice to myself and just becaues I have bipolar and BPD, doesn't make me a bad person. It just makes living a 'normal' more difficult but not impossible.

I decided a few things this morning and that is that I will never again make suicide attempt. I may get depressed or manic but that is chemical and beyond my control, as long as I am taking all my meds as I am meant to. I will also daily remind myself how good I have it. I have a place to live, a warm bed, an amazing husband and a gorgeous little kitty cat. I think the way Missy is with me now, all smoochy and seems happy for me to be with her, is really cute.

Andy was so hurt by my last overdose that I just cannot do that to him ever again. I was so close to losing him and that just cannot happen, so I must do everything in my power to stay well. He is my family and I can't hurt him anymore. I also am going to try really hard to stay out of hospital because that also causes problems between me and Andy when I get home and between me and Missy. Andy is walking on eggshells and Missy doesn't want anything to do with me.

I am a wife, a cat mum, a friend, a daughter and grandaugher. I am happy to be just who I am because being me is awesome. I will be gentle and kind to myself and not beat myself up. I can't change yesterday but I can change right now and tomorrow. So let it be!

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Positives

I have been struggling with my lack of creativity for the last month but I know it will come back at some point. The down will come up at some point, I just have to wait for that to happen and not try and force it. It can be frustrating though because I have all these things to create but there is just something blocking it. I am going to a card class tomorrow [Monday] so I am hoping that that works. Anyway, here are my positives!


Success Stories:
I went to my Mum's place and we didn't fight or even get annoyed at each other at all when we normally would
I managed to limit the phone calls to Andy, so he could get a real break from me for a while
Dr D said she was proud of me when I saw her last week because I, even though I had been impulsive, I was happy
Although I have put on weight, I choose not to let it get to me and I am planning to exercise for 30 minutes a day, even if it's just for a walk, to help

Gratitudes/things that make me happy:
Missy and I bonded more. She is very close to Andy but usually more so so with me. It all came with respecting her more
Andy has forgiven me after my OD and we have reconnected and things are back to normal
Although my hair is pink/red, I am okay with that

Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I choose to accept the consequence of red/pink hair when I should have left it alone
My creativity will come back as I have had blocks in it before and it has come back then
I choose to be happy and contented
I can't control everything but I can change my view of it

What are your positives?

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, March 4, 2011

home

It's so good to be home. Well, the lip piercing didn't work out. I realised I couldn't eat properly with it where it was because of the tooth I had had removed a few weeks ago. I ended up going into the piercing shop I got my others done at and got it removed because I couldn't undo the bloody thing myself. I still have my eyebrow and nose pierced and those are staying. I have made a vow that I am just not meant to have a pierced lip, that's the second time I've had it done and the second time I've pulled it out. I am so glad it's gone too.

Andy is going to go for the job that has come up at Winton, in north-west Queensland in the outback. I am so happy he is going to go for it. I feel it will be a really good move for us. I've said this before but we are at a cross-road and Andy spoke to the person that is going to interview and because he has worked there before and is willing to move there, I think the guy is quite keen to get his application. I told Andy that I want him to focus on it as a priority and to get it in early. I think we both realise now that that is what we want to do.

The other thing is that I feel so grounded at the moment. I am doing some meditation and trying to cleanse myself spiritually and emotionally. I am also trying to re-connect with Missy. She is so attached to Andy and I want her to be attached to me too. I realise I have made some mistakes with her by not playing with her enough and not respecting her space. She doesn't like you kissing her or getting your face to close to hers. I also have gotten mad at her a few times, where as Andy just moves her and says no. I am going to try his way now so that I can just as much as a relationship with her as he does.

Please keep your fingers crossed for us that Andy get's this job! That would be awesome!

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, March 3, 2011

contemplation

I am at my mum's right now and it's so pretty here. Mum is at work today, so I am sitting here in this quiet house, with my mum's dog Fraser, planning on trying to write my next zine. I may not be able to though because I don't have any burning ideas and I usually need that to get started and then the rest is history.

I was going to get my hair fixed here but in the end decided not to and just am going to leave it as is. Everyone seems to like it. Instead though I got another piercing. Yes I know, I only just got two, but I now have all the ones I had before I started working. I have it in my lip to the left side. I actually like it and forget it's there most of the time. Though the first thing I did when I woke up this morning was smack myself in the mouth accidentally.

I might write more later but for now I'll leave you with two photos. One of a cute shot of Fraser and one of the view.

He even knows he's cute in a cute way

The awesome view straight out mum's back door on the deck

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Missy turns one today

My gorgeous little kitty turned one today. We got her some chicken breast to gobble up, which she loved and she was petted and pampered all afternoon. I am going to miss her over the next few days when I go to mum's place.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MISSY!!!!!!!

 She is such a special girl :)

*hugs*
Sarah

going to mum's place

Tomorrow I am going to my mum's place for two days to spend some time with her. She is going to take me to her hairdresser to get the colour stripped from my hair and a natural warm light brown or caramel colour put in. I am so excited about this and I think this will do Andy and I the world of good being apart for a few days to have some breathing space. My mum and I don't always get on well, she can be pretty selfish but because I want to come up of my own accord, I think she will be pretty good. She is excited that I am coming. She lives facing the Blackall Ranges in Nambour and it's just beautiful there. On thursday she will be at work, she is a nurse, so I will get to blog or write zines or something while I am there. It might give me some inspiration too. I am also going to take my camera and try and get some good nature shots. I will post them if I do get some good ones. One sleep to go and let the creativity begin :)

*hugs*
Sarah