Saturday, April 30, 2011

cat's are impossible

I have been trying to type this for a while now and every time I do, Missy puts her head under my hand to make me pat her. It's very cute but I just wish she would have a snooze on my lap so I could get this post done. Okay, so I had an interview on Thursday with the temp coordinator at the uni I used to work at  to get to know her and to work out what kind of work I want to do.

I got a call from her on friday morning saying there was a job at the School of Medicine for one or possibly two days a week for six weeks and would I be interested and I said yes. I got a phone call from the School yesterday afternoon asking me to come in for an interview on Wednesday next week. I am stoked. Usually with the temp panel, as they are called, the interviews are fairly informal and it's just working out if you'll fit the role and if your interested. Then it just goes from there. This job is to start from 11 May and considering that next week is a short week again with Monday being a public hoiday, I'll have a week before I start. I also have an interview on Thursday with an employment agency, so that's all good too.

As for other stuff, there is not much going on. I am planning on doing the layout of my new zine this morning and then hopefully go to print tomorrow. We'll see. I haven't even done the cover yet. I know how I want it, I just have to do it and take the photograph. I am really excited about this issue, though it is graphic in places. It really is the most personal issue I've done. It's has been written over the last six weeks, so it has taken longer than the other ones. I am happy with it though.When it is printed I will do a giveaway, so keep an eye out for that.

I think there are interesting times ahead for me and I can't wait!

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, April 28, 2011

how it went

This will be a short post as I'm not feeling that great right now. Nothing specific though. My interview went really well. The temp coordinator said that something may come through for me next week and she will contact me straight away when it does. It rained all day and it sucked because on the way home I got soaked.

I had a talk to Andy about my piercings and he hates the industrial and doesn't understand the reason I'd want them. He said he found them unattractive. I thought about going back to work and stuff and realised that the industrial is probably not going to be practical anyway. I removed it yesterday afternoon. The piercing I got done two days ago on my right ear again was burning really bad. I bumped it this morning and I just wanted to cry, so I said this is just not meant to be. I took it out and oh my gosh does it feel so much better. What a waste of money. I hope you are all feeling better than me, maybe it's the rain again today that's making me feel like this.

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

interview tomorrow

Since I gave up work my mental health problems have become much much worse. I have been in hospital now six times since the end of October. I realise that boredom has played a huge part in this and it's not that I don't have hobbies, I do, but it's not the same as going to work and getting paid for it. I thought as soon as I got on disability that all would be fine but sadly no. I want to feel like I have responsibility again. I never thought I would want to go back to work but I do.

Tomorrow I have an interview with the temp coordinator at the university I used to work for. I am all ready and have ironed my clothes. I bought some new clothes for work. Mainly because I have put on so much weight that my old stuff just doens't fit anymore. This doesn't make me feel very good but I know that once I start working, I will lose what I have put on.

I did get a piercing today but it's just a stud in the side of my ear. Nothing over the top and that's it for now. I will not get any more piercings. Work has to take priority and if any of the piercings cause a problem, I will remove them. The good thing is that I usually wear my hair down, so with the ones in my ears, no one will know unless I tell them and then I only have my nose pierced and that's usually okay.

I have just had Missy fall asleep on my lap. She has turned into a real lap girl since I came out of hospital. Every time I am at my computer she is on my lap. It's really cute and I love her more and more every day. Getting used to a new/different cat was hard because her personality is so different to Sabby. At first I expected her to behave in certain ways and she wouldn't and it took a while for me to 'get' her. I am so glad I did though, she is a little treasure.

Anyway, I had better start preparing for normality. I am looking forward to it. I am so excited about my interview tomorrow. I will lose disability, but that's a small price to pay.

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, April 25, 2011

All that and more

It's Monday morning and it's a public holiday here in Australia. It's ANZAC day, which, for those of you who don't know, is for the Australian soilders [called Diggers] who fought in world war I. It now encompases pretty much every war that Australia has fought in and there is a big parade and all the old Diggers that are still alive, I am not sure there are any anymore, or their relatives, march in honour of those who fell. So we make ANZAC biscuits, a special recepie, and sit and ponder what it would have been like back then.

Today is Lee's birthday, or should I say, we are celebrating today. Lee is Andy's nephew and is in grade 2. So today we celebrate Easter, ANZAC day and Lee's birthday at Andy's folks place. Tomorrow is also a public holiday because Easter Monday is Today and ANZAC day is today and so we get a public holiday tomorrow so we don't miss out on a public holiday.

One wednesday I am getting my very last, I swear, piercings. I am getting my tragus pierced and my helix right in the middle. Here is a pic of the different piercings so you know what I am crapping on about.


Where the snug comes out on the outside of the ear is the helix and that is almost the exact place I am getting my right ear done.

Otherwise today I am working on my zine. I have most of it written and some of it layed out but it seems to be taking forever. I have been working on it now for about a month now. I know that it is normal to take that long to write zines because I know of others that take a lot longer. It's nice in a way to be taking my time with it.

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Positives

Success Stories
- I am out of hospital and have plans for moving forward
- I am excited about my interview on Wednesday
- I helped make ANZAC biscuits and chocolate squares

Gratitudes/things that make me happy
- Andy and Missy
- My new Kindle
- Knowing that I have so many lovely people around me that truly want to help me get well
- My network of doctors, nurses and groups to go to
- Cats

Challenge/Cheerleading statements
- I am a good person
- I KNOW I can do this!
- I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be me

It has been a challenging few weeks but things are looking up. I hope everyone has a good weekend and comes through Easter okay. I know I will, though I may have devoured a few chocolate bunnies in that time :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

P.S. Thank you to Chrysalis from Dialectic Dichotomy for helping put the positive back into my day. I have struggled to read blogs today but after reading hers, it just made me feel better :-)

Friday, April 22, 2011

going home today YAY!

So today is the day. I have been in hospital for 10 days today, so I am really happy to be finally be going home. It seems like the 10 days have been a lot longer than that. Some news for you. I am going back to work. I realised that part of my problem and my doctor agrees, is that I am bored, so I get all these really bad coping mechanisms in place to make up for it. Dr D agreed that work would be a good thing, after looking after me since October last year.

I remember her often asking me if I was bored on many occasions when I would go and see her and I would say no, I plenty do to like self harm and ODing and over-spending. I am really excited about the prospect of going back to work and have an interview with the Temp Coordinator at the uni I used to work at on Wednesday. It would have been sooner but we have five days in a row that are either the weekend or public holidays.

Of course Easter is coming and that means bunnies, of the chocolate variety. I love bunnies! I don't know, I am like a little kid at Easter and Christmas for that matter. I just have never grown up, he he! Andy got work finally, which is awesome. His hard work payed off. He got his job through the temp coordinator too.

I hope you all have a fabulous Easter and may there be many bunnies ;-)

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Piercings

Okay, so I may have gone a little overboard lately with piercings. I like them, what can I say. So I thought I'd give you an update and some new photos. Since posting pics last time, I have removed one piercing on my right ear, had a new piercing in my left ear and this morning had another new one in my right ear. Here are the pics.

Left ear

Right ear

I think the only extra one I would get is in my right ear between my hoops and my ring up the top, which is where it was before, but got infected and really painful. I'll wait for my left ear to heal and then do that one on my right ear. 

Looking forward to going home on friday, yay!

*hugs*
Sarah

going back to work

Andy and I had a talk the other night and he said he can't keep us afloat financially if I am not working. I was a bit taken back at first and a little upset after all he said about me not having to work. One minute he is fine with it and the next he isn't. I got to thinking though and a lot of my behaviours of late have been because I am bored if I am honest. It's always something with me. I can never just be. If I just try and let myself be and just go with the flow, I panic and have to do something, anything.

I think going back to work is a really good idea and so yesterday I rang the temp coordinator at the uni I used to work at and I have an interview with her on wednesday next week at 12pm. I am really excited as she has some part time jobs that I am really interest in and Andy is fine with me doing part time work, at least then if he earns too much according to Centrelink I don't lose the money like I would on disability.

In other news, I am addicted to piercings. I lost the little one that I had in my right ear because it was burning and hot and really really sore, so I took it out. I kept the Industrial one and I got a new little stud in the same place as my old one but on my left ear so that my industrial one and it can heal on the one side together. I really like it too. When my left ear all heals up, I will be getting more right ear piercings. I had to take my eyebrow one out because of the whole work thing. I wanted it to be as healed as possible by Wednesday. My hair covers my left ear, so I don't need to worry about them.

I am feeling really good and am being discharged on friday this week. I feel safe and happy and have some meaning now I know I want to go back to work. Yay for me. Hope you are all okay.

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, April 18, 2011

feeling better

I woke up with no self harm thoughts in days. I am so happy about this. I am still going to be staying in hospital until friday but after that I am hoping to get back to normality. The one wierd thing that happened yesterday is I got the compulsion to break a bone. I didn't know which one I wanted to break but I just wanted to do it. I told the nurses and they gave me some seroquel and it worked. I haven't been thinking of it since. I finally can see the light at the end of the tunnel from this episode. Thank you for all your comments over the last few days, that's been awesome.

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Laptops in hospital

A number of you were really surprised about the fact that I had my laptop while in hospital. I thought it was a good opportunity to explain how hospitals work in Australia. If you are in a public hospital, this is one that is free and you go and have a psych assessment first and then will get admitted if they think you need it. My local public hospital will not admit you for self harm like my hospital has but will tell you to distract yourself instead. Don't you hate being told to have a hot shower or go for a walk. The public hospitals are vastly different from mine. You cannot have a laptop or mobile phone and it's basic services really.

If you pay for private health insurance, you get what you pay for. Andy and I have hospital cover and so besides our fortnightly premium we pay for health insurance, which is around $120 for both of us, I don't have to pay anything for hospital expect for the first admission of the year where I pay an excess of $250. Once you pay that once, everything else is covered under your health insurance. Not all private hospitals are the same. This is the only one I've been in and when I found out I could have my laptop and phone with me, I couldn't believe my ears.

I would never willingly go back to the public system after having gone private. I love this hospital because it's so awesome that I have the privileges I have. They will take them away from you if you are too unwell and it really also depends on what category you are on. You always start on cat 3, which is restricted to the ward, but you can still have all your stuff. Cat 2 is you can leave the hospital but must have someone with you. Cat 1 is you are free to come and go as you like but must sign out and sign in so the nurse know where you are. Cat 4 means you are in your PJs and all your stuff is taken away. Cat 5 is you have a new best friend in the form of a nurse who watches your every move. I've only gotten up to cat 4 before and it was boring as all hell. I am on cat 1 right now.

In other news, I lost my little piercing in my right ear that I just got done. It was hurting so badly and it was all hot. This is not the one that went through the top of my ear called the "Industrial" which I think is hilarious. You can see the pics here. I think I will wait until the industrial one has healed and it is going really well and then I will get the other one again. I was dumb to get one on both sides at the same time.

As for me, I am coping. I made it through a week with no self harm and got my chocolate bunny reward yesterday to have for today. I have had some desturbing thoughts of breaking my bones, so I hope that one doesn't replace the other self harm thoughts. We'll just have to see. I hope you are all well :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Positivities even in hospital

I have now been in hospital four days and I must admit that the thoughts are starting to lessen. I am still get really strong feelings of wanting to do the self harming but I would never do so in hospital and never have in the past. There is no point in being here if I am going to harm. I may as well be at home and do it. So I am striving to make it through the next week here and the planned discharge is not this monday but the following one. My doctor doesn't like me having too long admissions because that creates problems outside. The good thing too is that I will be here while she is away next week but I will see another psychiatrist in her place. I will get past this, so I thought I'd post some positives.

Success Stories
- I have not self harmed even though the urge has been enormously strong
- I tell the nurses when I am not feeling good and they have been awesome
- I know this will pass

Gratitudes/things that make me happy
- Andy and Missy
- I am getting the very best care while I am unwell
- I know I can't try any harder because I am already trying so hard

Challenge/Cheerleading statements
- I am a good person
- This won't last forever. The longer I don't harm, the easier it will get
- I am thankful for such an awesome doctor
- There is always sunshine in the rain, you just have to search for it

*hugs*
Sarah

This is what I think about you self harm, so there!

Friday, April 15, 2011

Back in hospital

I'm back in hospital again because of the severity of my self harm thoughts. They were becoming so strong that the vision would wipe out everything I could see in real life and I could only see what I wanted to do to myself. I went to see my doctor on wednesday and she said I should go in to hospital and she rang the bed coordinator and said it was urgent. My mum picked me up from my doctors rooms and I got a phone call about an hour later saying they had a bed for me. Mum drove me home and I packed and I was in pretty quickly. The first day was hard because my doctor forgot to put down that I was to take seroquel as a PRN and that has been the only thing that has kept me going. It was awful and then she wasn't in yesterday but will be in today to write it up properly.

It looks like I'll be here for a few weeks until the visions settle anyway. I will try and post when I can and check your blogs too. I am so behind it's not even funny. So sorry guys for not being around so much over the last week or so. Now I am in hospital with my laptop and lots of time on my hands, I endevour to catch up on all your happenings.

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Yesterday and Piercings

Yesterday was just an awful day. I struggled so hard against thoughts of self harm. The images were so strong and it took everything out of me to not do it. I went to CBT and only lasted an hour becuase the girl sitting next to me had severe self harm scars on her arms and it was really triggering me. I was supposed to get my piercings done at 3pm after group but since I left early I moved the appointment to earlier. Here are the pics.


This one hurt big time. I was screwing up my face so hard.



The one I got yesterday is the middle one. They did that one first.

I realised later how stupid I was getting one in each ear at the same time because it hurt to lay down on either side. I am really happy with the piercings though and like the way they look.

I am meant to meet my friend Jan today and I hope I can meet her. She has had trouble sleeping lately so she may cancel on me. I had trouble sleep last night too. I have been up since 3am and it's now 5am. I am already struggling with self harm thoughts but they aren't so bad as yesterday at the moment. We'll have to see how I go.

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

CBT today and new piercings

I have CBT today and we are going to be in our new room. These rooms were fully submerged when the floods came to Brisbane in January and they have just finished being rebuilt. I am looking forward to this as before we had to go to the bathroom over in the consulting suites instead of the hospital, as there was no bathroom that was communal in the hospital. Now we will have our own bathroom, yay.

After group I am getting two new piercings. I will get Andy to take some pics when I get home so you can see but I am very excited about getting them. I decided last week I was going to get them but Andy made me wait until today to get them. Now I just have to hold out my excitement until the end of CBT. I don't know if I will make it through the whole day though. Will see how I go.

Our homework for CBT was to find out something about the human brain. Did you know that women's brains are 100g heavier than mens brains. How weird is that? Must be all that multi-tasking I hear about so often. Anyways, doing okay today so far, but it is only just after 5am. Be gentle with yourselves. You deserve it.

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, April 11, 2011

ARGH!

I can't get the idea of self harm out of my head. It is pounding me so hard today. I made my gold stars yesterday with no harm and I know each day it will get easier. It's probably hard right now because my last bout of self harm was not that long ago and I still have the fresh wound. I want to turn my head off completely. I am trying really hard to stop it by doing my zine, chatting to Andy, playing with Missy and licking the bowl after Andy's baking. I might go have a shower and just try and let my brain relax in the warmth on my body.

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, April 10, 2011

struggling

I am struggling so hard with self harm thoughts right now. It's practically a fight to sit in here and not harm. I told Andy this and of course he was really worried about it because he is starting work this week and he said "what if you do it when I'm not home" and the other one was the reminder that two more times and that's it for us. How can I keep that from happening? This is a daily struggle right now. Each time I have injured recently, it's gotten worse each time.

I am reading Curse of the Wolf Girl right now and one of the characters, Vex, who is over-enthusasic about everything but espeically when she gets gold stars, I find quite funny. Her antics always make me laugh when she says "I got another gold star Aunt Malvie!"

So I got to think about that. Vex's character hates study, but to get her to study she was offered new boots [she has an obsession about boots] and then when she did study and she started to get gold stars, she was so excited that it made her want to study more.

So I thought about this in relation to me and I suggested to Andy a system of rewards for when I don't self harm. He thought about it and we came up with an idea of gold stars but real monetary or valuable rewards that I could look forward to. I am looking forward to week six already.

So here are my rewards for not self harming:
Week 1 - a gold chocolate bunny
Week 2 - 1 new Kindle eBook
Week 4 - a massage from Andy for 10 minutes
Week 6 - a circle punch from Stampin' Up!
Week 10 - $100 cash to do with as I please

I am so excited now about not self harming and I just keep thinking of the last two rewards. Once I get to that place, I know that self harming should have settled by then, though I know this won't be easy. If I do self harm, I go back to the beginning and I lose a strike from Andy and that means if I did two, I'd lose him. Two strikes and I'm out.

I can do this!

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, April 9, 2011

happiness and zines

It's taken a long time for me but I have finally almost finished writing By the Skin of My Teeth issue 5.5. You might ask why 5.5, well there was a 5, 6 and 7 and I put them up on Etsy and then one day re-read them and they were shite. I promptly threw all of them in the recycle bin. I also had started another 5.5 but it's shit too. I have it finished and put on the background but never put it together. I may look at it one day and release it as a special edition that almost was.

It's good to have been writing again. I can also read again and I am cardmaking too. It feels like I am now getting really well and even with the last few rocky weeks, I am not depressed anymore chemically. It is more emotionally depressed from situations in my life, if that makes sense. Though I don't feel that at the moment either. The only thing I really don't have is the ability to read zines - which is weird. I have a whole pile of them to read and I just can't get into it, not even my favourite ones.

Oh, yeah, I am getting two new piercings on Tuesday. Both on my ears in the cartlidge areas but in different areas on each ear. I figure if I go back to work, as long as they aren't too over the top, I won't need to take them out, although I would have to take out my eyebrow one, I could keep my nose piercing.

So yeah, I am happy. I am content. I just had homemade shortbread [yum]. Hello to my new readers and thank you for tuning in :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, April 8, 2011

Gratitudes for Friday

I had a pretty good day today. Andy got a job for a couple of weeks as a temp, which is awesome as we are really really running low on money. I put together the ANZAC badges for Andy's dad for ANZAC day in a few weeks. It was really repetitive but relaxing as well because I was at home on my own with just Missy. I did try and let her because she was meowing at the door to come in but she started to attack the bags [she loves bags] I had to put her out of the room. When Andy came home we did some more badges together and then now I only have two small packs left, which I will do tomorrow. Here are my gratitudes for today.

Success Stories
- I spent most of the day focused on putting together the ANZAC badges for Andy's dad as a volunteer
- I have felt happy all day so far
- I had MIssy smooch on my lap for ages this morning

Gratitudes/things that make me happy
- Andy and Missy
- I have a safe place to live and am very lucky
- I am well and healthy and should remind myself of this more often

Challenge/Cheerleading statements
- I am a good person
- I deserve to be happy
- It's okay that I am not working right now. Just because that is the case, it won't always be that way.

What are your gratitudes?

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, April 7, 2011

struggling in CBT

I know this morning I wrote about the ABC model in CBT but I didn't tell you the daily struggle it is for me to stay in group, which is really hard and staying present in group. Today during catch up this morning, I shared my feelings on my weight gain and half way through him telling me why I was having the impressions I was, I dissociated. I noticed it right a few seconds later and I told him that I didn't hear anything he said because I had dissociated. He asked me if I knew why I did it and I said because I didn't want to hear what you said and then he asked the group if everyone knew what dissociation was and then he explained it to them. He then asked me if I wanted him to repeat what he said, I said I don't know and then okay and so he did, but I have forgotten it now anyway.

I find that I struggle so much to even stay for the whole day. We start at 9am and then break at 10:30am. I hate this because then the kitchen is closed and I can't get something healthy to eat. Today I ran out of group early and got some sultanas and then went and found out about what to do about dietary requirements. Luckily next week I can just fill in a meal plan and the receptionist will take it to the kitchen for me. I then sat with my friend that is an inpatient and I had coffee with her. Then when my group came out, I sat with them and sure enough, the group plate comes out and it's chocolate muffins only. I was glad I skipped out early to get what I wanted.

The rest of the session was okay. I am noticing a lot of food and weight related thoughts and at the moment I am just letting them in to get to healthy eating and avoid junk food. We did relaxation this afternoon which I didn't like and then I skipped out early again to make the bus. I feel so drained. I feel like this every time we have a session. Apparently Tania's group is easier. Christian just pushes and pushes you, which in a way I like because I realise things with him that I might be trying to hide. I just wish it would get easier. I am only half way through !

*hugs*
Sarah

the ABC of CBT

Yesterday I said I was going to explain the ABC model of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, so here goes. The premise is to learn to figure out what you are feeling and the thoughts you are having and the consequenses of those.

[A] Activating Event - This is the trigger, it can be be an event "I missed the bus", a thought "What if I never get better", a feeling "Wake up feeling flat and anxious" or a mental image for example a traumatic event.

When you are writing the activating event, try and stick to the facts, the who, what, when, where etc. Also, start initially with your events as the trigger, and move onto thought and feeling triggers only after you have mastered the even trigger.

[B] Beliefs and thoughts

Beliefs
Beliefs involves beliefs about three different things:
* Beliefs about the self eg "I'm a failure"
* Beliefs about others eg "People never listen, they only care about themselves"
* Beliefs about the world eg "The world is a cruel place"

Thoughts
Thoughts may include
*What am I thinking in this situation
*Are there other people involved, and if so, what do I think about them or their behaviour in this situation?
*What do I think about myself or my behaviour in this situation?
*What do I think will result from this? Do I think something bad might happen?

[C] Consequenses

How do you feel as a result of your thinking in this situation? Some feelings you have might be feeling anxious, fearful, depressed, flat, nervous, worried, relaxed, relieved, tense, overwelmed, helpless etc.

What is happening physiogically as a result of your thinking in this situation? Bodily sensations to pay attention to may include: heart rate, muscle tension, sweating, sick in the stomach, feel hot or cold, shaky etc.

My ABC from Tuesday

[A] I found out Andy cheated on me before we were married and so I self harmed.
[B] I am not good enough
[C] hurt, angry, upset

I am finding that I am liking CBT more and more as I go along. I am also on the waiting list for DBT at the hospital, which is good. Have an awesome day everyone and hello to my new readers, thanks for listening in :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Gratitude Journal

In CBT one of the things we talked about last week was a gratitude journal. I thought this was a great idea and a good opportunity to create a really pretty book to keep my gratitudes in. I was so so lucky yesterday on the way to CBT when I found a brown kraft coloured A5 book. I grabbed it and when I got home started to decorate it. I haven't finished but I will post up a pic when I am done so you can see.

The thing then was what would I put in the journal and how would I do it. I decided that I would use the model that Chrysalis uses on her blog, Dialectical Dichotomy. I will put up yesterday's gratitudes after I tell you about yesterday. It was an intense group because there were so many people there and no psychologists. They were both sick. One of the psychogists that works on the wards came to us and we talked generally about CBT because there were five new people and then just a general talk.

I said that I was dissappointed that we couldn't do catch up because I had a burning issue that I had really wanted to share, which was Andy cheating and my self harming. I found out later that a lot of people were shocked by what I said because it was such a heavy topic [Missy is helping me type NOT]. I was glad to get it out there though. Then we had morning tea and when we came back we broke up into two smaller groups, as another psychologist from the wards came out to run the other group. That was so much better. We had a huge talk about the ABC model within CBT, which I will talk about another time and then we had lunch and then I left because I was so exhausted from the morning. It was all very tense and ick really.

Gratitude Journal for Tuesday

Success Stories
- I stayed at CBT longer than I wanted to
- I felt uncomfortable at times but I got through it
- I found the perfect book for my journal

Gratitudes/things that make me happy
- Andy and Missy
- Cats
- My new owl punch

Challenge/Cheerleading statements
- I am a good person
- It's okay to fall down because every time I get back up again it makes it easier for next time
- Failure is only failure if you don't learn from it

*hugs*
Sarah

Let's colour the world, one brick at a time :)

EDIT
My Journal

The owl signifying wisdom in words
 
The butterfly signifying freedom and release
 

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Uncomfortable

I hate my body right now, or should I say, I dislike my body right now. I have put on 11kg since the beginning of november last year and I feel awful about it. It's true that I have been eating whatever I want to and that's the problem. I must go back to my meal plan and stop the snacking. I think it is part due to the zyprexa but also in part to do with the amount I am eating. I never wanted to go back to this :(

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, April 4, 2011

Decisions

I have had a bad few weeks, that's for sure but it saying that, things are starting to shift. After finding out about Andy cheating on me once a few years ago, on friday night, I was so upset and angry with him but it was about two years ago, he didn't do it again, he admitted it to me and he said sorry. I forgive him. I know he won't do it again and today, after many (about five I think) talks about breaking up, I said to him, let's have no more of those talks, let's just move on, unless it's on another issue.

I have to think about a place to live and food that is not going to make and keep me with an eating disorder. Andy is very good for me. I can't imagine life without him. I am certainly not happy with what I found out but happy that it's out in the open and we can deal with it. I decide to therefore get better rather than live with my illnesses. I saw my Dr D today and also had a card class before that. The lady that ran the card class gave me a gorgeous set of stamps that I've had my eye on for a while. I was so touched by that. I will have to make her one of my special cards as a thank you.

I am seeing my mum on wednesday and I told her today about Andy. She wasn't happy but knew we were goot together so understands and respects my decision to stay with him. There is also Missy that would lose out if we split because she would have to come with one of us, probably me and she loves to play with Andy so much. They play crazy games together and she just loves him to bits. She's our girl and she needs both of us.

Thanks to all of you for your messages of support. I really do appreciate them. I am really struggling to read blogs at the moment. So please don't be offended if I haven't commented. I just have a lot on my mind.

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, April 3, 2011

I'm okay

I am doing okay, so don't worry okay? He cheated a long time ago before we were married and he hasn't done it since and he was honest when I asked him if he'd ever cheated. He did say it made him feel horrible at the time.

You know the sad thing? Part of me wants an excuse to leave because I want to be alone with my eating disorder and my self harming. I know that is really bad because I do love him. But we had the break up talk again on friday night and I am always the one to bring it up. I wish I was back in my flat at Mt Gravatt East instead of here.

We'll see. I'm am really okay. I am loving my Kindle and that's what I am doing all day at the moment. Reading books. I love how easy it is and how handy it is to have heaps of books on it so I can swap and change according to mood. I did that with normal books all the time anyway but this is just the lazy approach ;-)

Thank you everyone for your support!

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, April 2, 2011

deal breaker

I am annoyed and pissed off and let's just say angry. I found out last night that a year and a half ago, he cheated on me with the woman that I was always weary of. She would call him all the time and all the time he would say nothing was gonig on and there was. He slept with her once and nearly another time but couldn't the second time.

We have a month to work ourselves out or we will split and if I have to be honest I already want to. I am sick of the way things are. I am sick to fucking death of everthing in this bloody world I live in. I got out of hospital yesterday with the notion that everything would be alright. Well it's not and I don't fucking care. Can you tell I'm angry, well you ain't seen nothing yet.

Sarah

[Edit - hurt = self-harm = hurt]