Wednesday, June 29, 2011

What I'm knitting

Since I have been knitting and chatting about my knitting, a few of you have asked for photos, so here they are.

My first finished scarf

The current scarf I am knitting for Andy

The yarn I have for my mum

The yarn I have for Andy's mum

They all want different shades of purple
That is except my Nana, this is for her and it's her favourite colour. What I should say is this is my second scarf. The yarn has silver flecks through it and it is really hard to knit with. I usually do a few rows a day, sometimes more if I feel like it. She will be so happy when I finish it and right now she is in the UK, so it's summer, so I have a bit of time up my sleeve.

So this is what I have been doing, either getting yarn I like for future projects and working on the two scarfs, though mostly on Andy's. It was funny this morning actually. I was knitting at the local shopping centre and I ran out wool from the first ball and I was trying to find the end of the new ball. I thought I found it and then realised after joining it that it was the end and not the beginning. I ended up with a whole ball of yarn all unravelled because it got all knotty. I was wrapping it between my thumb and pinky trying to put it back into some kind of ball but it was everywhere. I think I looked like a crazy lady, he he. I got it all fixed in the end thankfully. Though I have been dodging Moo all morning because she wants my yarn despearately. It's like a game now, she comes in at the side, I block and so she tries the other side, I block, you get the picture :)

My back feels okay-ish today, but still sore from knitting too much, though I have done what he said and stopped every 40 minutes. I am seeing him again on Friday. Hopefully we can get it all fixed. 

*hugs*
Sarah

this and that

I got a surprising call yesterday afternoon from Sue, my outreach nurse that I saw under Dr D. She said that Dr M had rung them and asked for me to have some more support. I think it's because if I am not seeing someone from the clinic, then I lose my DBT place if it is required. So I see Sue today, which I am actually happy about.

Yesterday I also saw chiropractor. It actually helped. He had a look at my back and said exactly what was wrong perfectly and pin pointed on my back where. I am to get up every 40 minutes and during that time I am not allowed to stand still and I'm not allowed to sit. I've taken to laying down on the floor/bed/beanbag or walking around aimlessly. I have to do this for three minutes or longer if I wish. He was a really nice guy and he has looked after both my mum and dad and one of my brothers. All of them tell me how good he is.

I have bought some gorgeous yarn to make my mum a scarf. It seems now that everyone wants one. My nana's one is coming along very slowly, mainly because I hate the yarn, it is terrible to knit with. I am also doing Andy's deep purple one. After Andy's I will do my mum's and then one for Andy's mum. I really want to get down pat not dropping stitiches. I am doing really well so far. I am loving it. My only problem is that Moo keeps poking her head in my knitting bag trying to get at the yarn. It's driving me mad. She got into so much trouble last night for doing that and right now even, she is trying to get at the bag. Naughty kitty!

I'll add some pics a little later of my knitting so far, with pics of my finished scarf, my scarf I am making and the yarn for my mum's scarf. I haven't bought Andy's mum's yarn yet but I know she wants a purple/blue colour. Everyone wants purple! I hope you are all travelling along okay. A big hello to all of my new readers, I hope you enjoy reading my posts, even when they are boring :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

all went well

Dr M and I had really long session yesterday and it all went really well. I told him my whole story and I told him that everything had become unravelled because of going to hospital all the time. We are going slowly with the medication ie. the lamictal. I can't afford to stay on it anymore but I still have a fair bit left. I am seeing him weekly for the next six weeks and we will take it from there.

In other news and I am sure you guys are sick of hearing this but Andy applied for the Winton job and it looks really really promising. So we might be moving there afterall. I am very excited, as is Andy. Everything this time is different and there is a house for rent there at the moment that we could move into straight away. I am really well right now and there should be community nurses up there that can keep an eye on me. Plus usually in regional areas the doctors have a wider range of experience, ie. mental health included. Well that's what I have been told Anyway. Craig, the boss, said I'd have no trouble picking up work there and in a funny way, picking up work in Winton doesn't scare me like it does here in the city. Fingers crossed.

I have been knitting up a storm. I am now doing Andy's scarf now and I bought the yarn for mum's scarf yesterday [this one is really soft half wool, half acrylic] and it's a medium purple colour. I will post pics of what I have done so far a bit later. I am about to pull Andy's scarf apart again because I dropped a stitch and didn't notice until there was a big hole and I am a perfectionist though he doesn't care. Anyway, things seem to be going swimmingly. I have hurt my back knitting and I am seeing a chiropractor today to see if he can help me. 

At the moment I am struggling to read blogs, so please don't be offended if I don't comment as much right now. I'm just finding blogger hard to get to at the moment with so much going on. Be safe everyone and don't forget to be gentle with yourselves.

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, June 27, 2011

Today's the day

I see Dr M for the first time today since October last year and I must admit to being really nervous about what he will say to me. If he will be angry with me. If he doesn't trust me anymore. I don't want him to feel those things and I really don't want to hear them today. I am hoping he will want my story and I will tell it and that will be it. Oh well, I'll just have to wait and see.

In other news I fninshed my first scarf. It has no holes in it and it is very straight down the sides. I learnt to cast off yesterday, which is awesome. Andy's mum showed me how. She is also going to teach me some other stuff too, like the purl stitch and a number of other stitches and how to read patterns. This is much better than the craft shop that was going to do the same things for $20.

Anyway, a bit frazzled today so I am going to sit somewhere and knit. I am making Andy a scarf out of the most gorgeous deep purple feathery yarn, it's so soft. I was going to do one for me with it but Andy really liked it when he saw it as I was knitting it and he said "can you make me one next" and so I said I'd give him this one. I love that he loves it.

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, June 25, 2011

nervousness and pain

I am going to be one nervous wreck on Monday morning. I am seeing Dr M again for the first time since I ran away from him in October last year, found a new psychiatrist and dumped him without telling him. He obviously has forgiven me or he wouldn't be seeing me now. I am trying not to think about it too much actually and will just see how I am on the day. I have known  Dr M for 14 years, so it's not like he doesn't know me. Probably that he knows me too well. At least he won't let me cop out of life like I did after I left him.

Today has been about pain. I have had a hard time finding a place that I can sit that doesn't hurt. Since I have been knitting I have been sitting in one place more than I normally would and this has caused me to have pain in my lower back and in my tail bone. I went to the physio today and he said that my joints all up my lower back and the muscles in my butt and back were really tight in a bad way.

Even though it really hurt, he did seem to help somewhat. I now have to make sure I move around more. My scarf is now about three feet long and I am loving it still. That's part of the problem. I get so caught up in knitting that I don't realise that I've just knitted 20 rows and should move. I have found that the only really good place is a supportive chair where my feet are flat on the floor, which is foreign to me because I usually always cross my legs. No more knitting for tonight!

*hugs*
Sarah

Missy Gallery

After I spoke of Sabby in my last post [if you didn't read it, he was my old cat that died in 2007 who was very precious to me] I decided that I'd do a gallery of Missy photos from the last few months, these are my favourite out of all of the ones taken.

A half curled around Missy, obviously woken, poor thing

Caught together trying to get warm

Trying to be artistic with my camera

Playing with yarn

Caught grabbing my knitting for a little play - I think not

I made Missy a pom pom

And off she goes

Climbing up the chair

She was funny to watch

At least she had fun

When I first got Missy, we didn't bond straight away because of Sabby, but now she is my girl and we are really close. I love how I learn new things about her every day. She is a gem, very different to Sabby, she is her own girl and a girl I love so much. Hope you all like the action shots :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, June 24, 2011

psychologist

I had my appointment today with Emma and I had a little cry. I was telling her about Missy and how I never thought I'd could love a cat again. I think at first she the way I said it, she thought that I meant I didn't like cats, but I said no, it was my old boy Sabastian. I told her first how last night I found a Missy whisker [I think these are like gold] and how I put it in a tin that I have Missy whiskers in. I said I used to do this with Sabastian too and how I still felt guilty about how I left it with Sabby. I told her how the day I had Sabby put to sleep, at 13 years old and sick [he was pooing everywhere and puking everywhere] and one day I just had it.

I got really mad about it and I got upset. I told him I couldn't cope anymore. It was too much. He had done this everywhere through the house for six months and I would come home from work to find it. It was really hard and I had had the vet check him over several times and already had a bill of over $2000. I took him to the vet and they said we can do more tests and I said I am done with tests, it's not fair on me financially and emotionally and it was upsetting Sabby just as much. This was the cat that I got at 19. We grew up together. He was my boy. I loved him so so much. I made the choice that night to have him put to sleep.

I was telling Emma the story, how I was given the option to stay with him but I couldn't. It was heartbreaking and they gave me five minutes to say goodbye. It near broke my heart. I bawled and I hugged him and he smooched me. I know he knew. I know he was saying it was okay. It hurt so much. I sat in the waiting room and I just bawled and bawled and then a vet nurse drove me home. They did ask me if I wanted to see him after and I said no. I wanted to remember the smooches and cuddles beforehand and to this day I am glad about that. I am not happy about being upset with him though and I will carry that guilt with me always I think.

In Emma's office I cried and she asked me if I had every written him a letter. I said yes, but now that I think about it I don't think I did, though I did write him a poem. I am going to try this weekend to make a slideshow put to music of my life with Sabby and how special he was to. I might even post it up when I have finished it. You know, I still have Sabby's little tin of whiskers and a tooth that was pulled out by a friend when he was really small, they were playing tug-o-war back and forward with a towel and it came out. It looks like a baby fang tooth. This little tin is so precious to me and now I have a Missy tin, I am glad. Maybe I am just plain weird but I love finding discarded whiskers.

Sabby 2007 - he looks so old here

Sabby 1995 - One of my favourite pics of him

Me and Sabby 1994 - I love his expression

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Positives out of negatives

I've had a very full on day, so I decided to end on a high note. If you don't know what happened, the last two posts explain it all. Right now though, I want to focus on what was good.

Success Stories
- I was able to ask for what I really wanted for my treatment and it was really hard but I did it
- I have my old pdoc back and I know things are going to get tough but that can be good
- Andy told me he was proud of my bravery and this made me happy and proud of myself, I love this man so much
- I learnt some things about knitting that I didn't know and met a lovely lady in the process who is willing to teach me

Gratitudes/things that make me happy
- Andy and Missy
- Knitting
- Finding a knitting shop right near me - drool!

Challenge/Cheerleading statements
- You did awesome in asking for what you really wanted
- Crying is okay when you are saying goodbye to someone
- Sometimes the greater good is also the best option
- You are in charge of you now and it's good you are proud of that

Sometimes hanging on to what doesn't work anymore seems easy, but in the end letting go, although seemingly easy, is really hard. I realised that my old pdoc, whom I am going back to, was right all along but I was too unwell to realise it at the time. I will be terrified on Monday morning when my appointment is and that seems absurd for someone I have known for fourteen years. I never want to get this complacent again, because it hurt so many people and that hurts me a bit now.

*hugs*
Sarah

Feeling uncomfortable

I have now called and cancelled all my appointments with Dr D and I've told Sue, my outreach nurse that I won't be seeing her anymore. It's left me feeling a little uncomfortable as now I really don't have anyone because I don't see Dr M again until Monday after a nearly eight month hiatus. I feel a little lost. I have Emma, my new psychologist, appointment on Friday but I have only met her once. I'm feeling scared and alone, terrified. It only hit me when I let it all go and forced myself to be responsible. Fuck... I'm scared. I have no idea what is going to happen. I do know I have done the right thing. Then I remember that I do have Stepping Stone, duh! They will be there for me. It's just that today is a day I normally don't go there because of my appointments. I have to focus on my knitting class and will most likely come home feeling so much better.

Oh... 45 minutes later, Dr D rang me and wanted to know what was going on. I ended up crying and telling her and she asked me to come in and see her one more time and I agreed. Then she asked to speak to Andy and he told her that she offered me hospital too readily and that Dr M is so much tougher with that. She understood and said she'd discharge me and write to Dr M. The thing though that happened was that I didn't know if I was still meant to go in to see her, so I rang back and spoke to her again and I told her I would miss her, which I will. I then had a big cry after I hung up and had to take some diazepam. I am now getting ready to leave for my knitting class. I will most likely post later too to get me through the day. So please be patient with me.

*hugs*
Sarah

Knitting class today

I went into the knitting and crocheting shop near me yesterday on my way home and met the lady that owns the shop. She is really nice and today I have a one hour one on one session with her to teach me some things I am struggling with, like dropping stitches and can't figure out how to pick them up, not adding extra stitches to a row when I am not meant to, how to cast off and how to read a pattern. I am so so excited. My scarf is coming along really well and it's good that I have it because she can see all the holes and where my mistakes are so she knows where I am going wrong.

I am still loving the knitting and it's helping me stay calm during this manic phase. When I start to get too hyped up, I sit and knit and after about 10 minutes I can settle down. I am also proud of myself that I finally put Andy first, instead of being selfish and only thinking about myself. Taking the harder road for me by going back to strict Dr M and giving up hospital. He is very proud of me too and that makes me happy. I have so much to be thankful for and especially Andy and his family, my family and the little furball that is currently asleep on my lap, she is so amazing that I love her more and more every day. She is such a special little kitty.

Today is my day and I'm going to enjoy it, with Andy and Moo and then tomorrow it's back to Stepping Stone and getting ready again to regroup and get back into the work ordered day as they call it. This time I am going to stay, I've been coping out a bit over the last few days. I can do this!

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

changing treatment teams

Firstly, Andy has decided not to see my old pdoc. I am okay with this, as he seems better today. I know this is only one day though.

Anyway, over the last day or two, I have been thinking about how my behaviour has impacted on Andy and how that has impacted on him being depressed. I came to one conclusion, that I need to change my treatment team and hospital, so I am. I have been seeing Dr D for about eight months now and in that time I have had six hospital admissions. This would not have been tolerated under Dr M, my old psychiatrist. I would be lucky if I would end up in hospital once a year or two even and only if it was absolutely necessary. I believe I have taken 20 steps back since going into my hospital the first time. I've put on heaps of weight, I have lost my job and others since, I have continually upset Andy and his family with my admissions, I have lost months of my life, I have taken no responsibility, I have lost all self-respect for myself.

Some things are about to change. I just wrote a letter to Dr D and told her that I won't be coming back to see her and I will cancel my other appointments with her. I will be not coming to the hospital anymore, if I need admissions, it will be at another hospital, this is mainly because I like that hospital too much. I will no longer have an outreach nurse, as she is part of the hospital, so I basically lose my whole team. I will be going back to my old pdoc. I know I know, Andy was going to see him, but then I thought he would not have let all of the above even happen. He even tried to prevent it. I miss therapy as Dr D talks mainly about medications and how I've been, not any deeper than that. Dr M knows me and has known me for 14 years. I can't get away with any shit with him. I know this is the right choice and I have Emma, my new psychologist and I have Stepping Stone. I will get back to how I was, I don't care how I will do it, but I will. I am not going to slip any further into the mental patient hole [hope that comment didn't offend anyone].

This feels right! Okay, I am off to the doctor about the blood I puked and my asthma.

[edit: I just got back from my doctor and he said that because I have been taking ibuprofen for pain for the last two weeks (that industrial piercing and some headachy stuff) and I have been vomitting from a virus, I have burst some blood vessels in my stomach, which is why there was blood when I threw up last night. For my asthma I have been taking a non-steroid inhaler as a reliever already and I now have a preventative inhaler that is also a non-steroid one. I got caught out with that one about five years ago and went really manic, so since then have told the docs about it - so all is well.]

*hugs*
Sarah

blood in my vomit

Lately I have been sick. I feel sick when I eat [I have a virus] and I also have reflux and it wakes me up in the middle of the night chocking on bile and vomitting and then having an asthma attack. Last night I turned the light on just after I had chocked up the first bit and it had blood in it. I am so scared about this, I worry that I have lung cancer or something because my dad used to smoke around me and didn't care if it went my way and Andy smokes but is very careful... but still there are times it does come my way.

The other thing is my asthma. It has gotten really bad lately, maybe because of winter but I needed 5 shots from inhaler last night to stop the asthma attack. The night before that it was four, plus I had two asthma attacks yesterday because of manic dancing. My mania is something I am finding hard to control. My knitting is the only thing that seems to control it. If I sit and do that when I am really manic and out of control, after five minutes it calms me down. I am glad that I have something that can do that.

Also, Andy is very very depressed at the moment. He has had his zoloft put up but I do worry about him. I have asked my old psychiatrist if he will look after him. I have promised to not interfer with Andy's therapy if he agrees and I hope he will because Andy and him already have a really good relationship and Andy has admitted that if Dr M says no, he won't see anyone. I am hoping and praying that he will say yes. Please everyone keep your fingers crossed for me, because this would be so beneficial for Andy as Dr M is a really good doc and I was his patient of his for 13 years, so he will know where Andy is coming from when he talks about me.

Have a good one!

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, June 20, 2011

it's so nice

to feel better. I am no longer feeling like I want to puke. I still don't feel 100% but am finally on the mend. The only thing I am worried about now is that while I am sleeping, I suddenly wake up chocking on bile which makes me puke, I then have an asthma attack and in the middle of the night I am fumbling around for my inhaler. This has been happening for about two months now, but instead of once maybe a fortnight, it's now several times a week. I spoke to my doctor about it last week and he said reflux but I actually don't think it is. I am on pariet for reflux and it works really well at keeping my reflux at bay and I've been on it for about five years now and find it really good. This is very different. I don't know what it is, but I am going to ring up and try and get an appointment with my doctor today to figure it out because it is very unpleasent and I hate that I am all wheezy afterwards that I struggle to breathe. I hope he can help me.

The other thing I will do today is check out the knitting and crocheting shop that is opened up near my local train station in a group of shops there. I am hoping they have groups or classes there that will teach me where I am going wrong. I have now officially dropped four stitches and have a wonky bottom where my tension was less than it is now because I have relaxed. I also had a go a crocheting yesterday and did my first chain, go me. I just got confused from there. For me I think these things are something that needs an in person teacher. Fingers and toes and knitting needles crossed for me that there are classes. I hope you all had a good weekend or at least some kind of relaxation. I'm conisidering today my sunday, since I missed out on the whole weekend by being sick, so I am having the day off of Stepping Stone and will be back next week. Have a good one!

My first scarf so far

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, June 19, 2011

icky weekend

I have been feeling sick most of the weekend and have been doing lots of sleeping and taking pills to try and help. I am finally feeling okay but this is after not being able to keep anything else down yet but soup and bread plus orange juice. This is the first time in several days that I don't feel like puking. The worst part was that I wanted to puke so bad [as in feeling like it] but it wouldn't come up on its own, so I had to help it. I always felt heaps better after puking, with my stomach not heaving so much and the horrible feeling in the back of my throat every time I swallowed. I had a headache to boot.

I have done lots of knitting too, have dropped four stitches accidently in different places of my scarf, but it's practice. I also bought some yarn to crochet. I am about to go on YouTube and see if I can learn on my own. If not, there is a craft shop for knitting and crocheting. If I am still feeling sick tomorrow, I might see if I can get the energy to go there for a bit because it's right near my house and ask for help. I also want to learn the pearl stitch for knitting but right now it does my head in.

I haven't had the chance to catch up on your blogs, what with all the sleep and feeling sick and stuff. I will try and catch up as soon as I can. I am thinking of you all though and hoping you are all doing okay.

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, June 18, 2011

how I've been

I'm sturggling with the mania. It's becoming more noticable to others now and when I was at Stepping Stone yesterday, one of the staff that doesn't know me that well, but is trained in mental health, could see it there as well. Last night I danced around so much that I knocked the ball off the top of my industrial piercing. We had no idea where I had lost it because I was dancing round the whole living room and kitchen, it could have been anywhere. I was also struggling with the pain of it, literally. I was having to take pain killers every four hours to stop the pain. So... I pulled it out and Andy found the ball right at the same moment. What a waste of $50. Oh well, manic is manic, I am trying.

I had the best sleep last night in days. I went to bed at 7pm and I woke up just before 5am. I slept solid. I am hoping that will really help because before that I was up all night waking constantly. I am knitting up a storm too. Though not with much success. I was having trouble with the first stitch of each row starting with the second row and I went to a craft shop and they showed me how to do it but I couldn't wrap my head around it.

So yesterday at Stepping Stone I asked if anyone could knit and Tania said yes and she showed me a different way which clicked staight away. I realised why and that was because my Nana taught me the way Tania was doing it years ago and so what the craft lady was showing me was clashing with my subconscious remembering that. Awesomeness, I can now knit properly. Don't get me started on the pearl stitch, I can't get my head around that yet. I know it's just a backwards normal knitting stitch but my hands get all twisted. My only problem now is when I drop the first stitch, I don't know how to pick it up again or when I drop a stitch in the middle somewhere. I have wasted so much wool because I get cranky and cut the wool and throw it on the floor as a new Missy toy, there is wool everywhere.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I am attempting to read your blogs today. Forgive me if I can't, my head is just so noisy and fast.

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, June 16, 2011

manic as

So I am manic. My thoughts are scattered. I have been up at 3am nearly every day for the last few weeks and I have been recklessly spending. I went into the back that I have my credit with the other day, the card is cut up and tried to get money out of my account with no card. Of course they said no but I was convinced they'd say yes and I was going get more piercings and a heap of fancy wool to knit with. I love knitting by the way, it is awesome. This morning getting up, because I lay in bed awake for two hours, Andy had heart failure when I passed his mug up and behind me and he thought I was going to drop it and I pissed myself laughing at him. He is still half asleep and after going "arrhhhhh" in fright, he said you are definitely manic. Dr D picked that up yesterday and has reduced my anti-depressants. I also did what we did in hospital when I was manic and took 25mg zyprexa before bed but still woke up at 3am.

I saw my new psychologist yesterday and she is lovely. I really really like her. When I think about it, she reminds me of my first psychiatrist. She asked lots of questions and I can just tell that we are going to click. She even wrote down Missy's name when I was talking about her, which I really liked. I am seeing her again next Friday and now that we've done my history, we can start looking at what issues we are going to work on.

Oh and a special note for Pixie, I am glad you realised that I wasn't upset with you and just on a different page and I am honoured that that would have upset you in the first place :)

Knitting is going awesomely well, love it, love it, love it. I have come a long way with it. I even rang my Nana in England yesterday because she used to knit until her eyesight got really bad and she suggested I buy knitting magazines. I never thought of that. She was very excited about me knitting but I wish she was here again so she could teach me. She used to be a very very good knitter. I think I will send my scarf I am making to her when I've finished it.

Anyways, crapped on enough here. Will chat soon.

I am having trouble reading at the moment, so please be patient with me with reading blogs.

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

After much consideration

I have decided to not do the Transitional Employment job from Stepping Stone. When I really think about why I wanted to do it, it was because of the money and not the support and the money is really shitty. I also know that I am capable of so much more and now that I have a psychologist, whom I am seeing for the first time today. I have instead decided to supported employment. This is where I get my own job but I still get the support. That means I can do a job at my level and Stepping Stone will help me out with my work issues.

Today is going to be busy. I am seeing Carolyn from my hospital who is going to do my intake interview for doing DBT with the hospital, the waiting list is a mile long but hey, at least it's a start. I also have Dr D today, which I am looking forward to because I missed my appointment last week because I was feeling sick. Then I have my appointment with Emma, my new psychologist and then home. I am taking my knitting with me and I am just going to knit away or read my Kindle between appointments.

What an exciting day, I can't wait. I actually shouldn't be up now but I set my alarm an hour early accidentally and woke Andy up too. I thought I was quietly leaving the bedroom and then I heard Andy say "hello Moo" and I realised that in the dark, she had jumped right through the door as soon as I'd opened it. Little ratbag!

Hope you all have a fab day/night, whichever side of the world you are on. Plus, hello to my new readers, thanks for joining us, I really appreciate it :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Pain and knitting

Shortest ever Sarah post. My industrial piercing hurts like hell tonight :(

On a more positive note, I taught myself to knit today using you tube videos... awesomeness :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Andy and I

I have had a few queries of how Andy and I are doing in our relationship and I know some of you are confused by it all. Well... we are doing awesome. I love him so so much and we are back to normal and being happy because I am so well. I am so happy right now that I am bursting at the seams with happiness. I have Moo on my lap, so what else could I ask for. We are just scraping by with money, only just, we've had to ask for rent money a few times of his folks, which we both feel bad about but we have to do these things sometimes.

Andy is still out of work but is trying his very hardest to find work. He couldn't try any harder and he is letting me do this Salvation Army job if I get it, which is little pay but strong support to get me through my panic attacks on the job. He could have said no to that and forced me back into employment without support of any kind, only to bring money in but he can see the long term gain of this. We are laughing and joking around every day and Moo is just loving it. She gets lots of pets and cuddles and there is now no tension in the household. Awesomeness!!!!!

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, June 13, 2011

POST 900 PARTY!!!!!

Can you believe it! I have written 900 posts! I must crap on a lot, lol. My blogs birthday is coming up on July 11 and it will be two years old. I guess that's why I have so many posts, because I do tend to post daily. Anyway, thought I make this post extra special and tell you some things about me that you may not now, I'm going to do some positives too :)

Ten Random Facts about Sarah
1. Andy's nickname for me is Splinkey. When we first met we were calling each other Spunky and he thought I needed a new name, so he came up with Splinkey, he can't even remember how he came up with it now.
2. My favourite colour is purple, though I do really like blue as well.
3. I have a neck condition which makes it look like I have no neck, I mean seriously. I look like I am shrugging all the time. I only have one and a half bones in my neck, which are fused together. This a condition I have had from birth. I am told that when I was born the doctor tried to use traction on me to try and lengthen my neck but all I would do was scream and nothing happened anyway. It is not treatable. I'm going to be brave and show you a real photo of me that is not clevely done to hide how I look so no one will think less of me.


4. I am a little nutty in that I sometimes get the sudden urge to do crazy dances for Andy. They last about 10 seconds but they are always really silly and funny and he just laughs and says "your insane", lol.
5. I cannot for the life of me do maths sums. I always stuff them up and that is even with a calculator. It's just something that doesn't come naturally to me.
6. I am a trained journalist but I didn't go into the field because of my confidance issues and my mental health problems.
7. I am a true nerd. Today and I are getting together with our friend Paul and we are going to play Dungeons and Dragons. I have purple dice.
8. I'm not girl at all. I can't put on make up to save my life, I can't walk in heals, I don't hardly wear skirts. Give me mens cargos any day.
9. I am very clumsy. I am always tripping over, falling over or walking into things. Even yesterday we had Andy's folks around for afternoon tea and I was playing with some insulation tape. Well, I got my thumbs caught in the whole in the middle and someone had to take it off for me because I couldn't pull my tumbs out myself. Embarrassing!
10. I have put on 12kg since my first hospital admission. I believe it's a combination of me totally recovering from my eating disorder and my medication. I am happier now that I am heavier, who would have thought!

Five minture positives
1. Andy is my soulmate. I have never met anyone in my whole life that thinks the way I do and is a little nutty to boot. I can be myself totally and completely with him only
2. I love my body most of the time
3. I am not afraid to go out in public anymore
4. I have an awesome treatment team and I treasure them
5. Right now, there is a little Moo on my lap and I love this little ball of fur so much

Hope I haven't bored your all to death. Have a good one guys and hey, if it wasn't for all of you reading and commenting, this blog would be pointless, so a huge thank you to all of you too :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, June 12, 2011

the industrial

When I thought I was going back to the uni I used to work at for work, I took my industrial piercing out. Then things all changed on their heads and I have no idea what the future holds. I will either be in Winton with no job or I will be in Brisbane with no job but the posibility of the transitional employment job with the Salvation Army in their warehouse through Stepping Stone or I will just be at Stepping Stone until I get work when I am ready.

So... I love my piercings and tomorrow I am getting my industrial back. I am so excited about it. I know I am a glutton for pain or whatever, but I can't wait. I only took it out because I thought I had to and I resigned myself to it. Andy is okay with it, I was upfront and said I wanted it done and then if I get work it can hide under my hair because I don't wear my hair up anyway and in that ear, my left one, my hair is fuller and completely covers my ear. Am I just crazy or what?

*hugs*
Sarah

This is what it will look like again, the bar through the top of my ear.

Winton again maybe

In February this year, Andy applied for a job out in Winton, which is north-west Queensland in outback Australia. He would have gotten that job most likely because he and the guy that was in charge of the position got along really well and they were doing everything to get him to come up. Andy pulled out at the last minute because of our finances. We didn't have enough for the move saved and he didn't want to go into debt.

Well, Andy got a museums Australia email today and in it was the Winton job re-advertised and now I think he is going to go for it again but this time he is willing to go into debt for it. There wouldn't be as much support for me but the people I have heard are really nice and I don't think I'd be as scared going for work there because of that very fact. I hate limbo. Not knowing. Andy may not get a look in anyway because of pulling out the first time. I guess we'll see on Tuesday when he can call the guy, as it's a public holiday on Monday here. As for how I feel, I'm all for it. I love Andy and he has been so unhappy lately because of the job market here in Brisbane and here is a job that is his actual dream job literally and it's open again. Cross your fingers and wish him luck please :)

*hugs*
Sarah



Saturday, June 11, 2011

Big blob

If you guys saw me right now you'd probably be cracking up laughing. I am freezing and it's only the first few days into winter for us here in Oz and I live in the so call Sunshine State - Brisbane. I have on sweatpants/trackies, long sleeved top, under a t'shirt, a hoodie with cookie monster on it, thick socks, ugg boots, a old beanie and a huge bathrobe with monkeys on it, that I found this morning for $9. I got the XXL because I thought it would wrap around me more and I could use it as a bit of blanket as well. I am finally starting to warm up. It's all overcast outside and I've been out only once and I am not going out again.

I have been busily collating and stapling some extra copies of issue three of By the Skin of My Teeth, between writing issue six. I also put together a few issues of Panic Planet and have learnt a valuable lesson. Do not use auto feed on the copier when copying the zines, do them one side at a time and press next because out of the five issues I printed at Stepping Stone [yes another perk] on Friday, only three of them worked, the others were all off centre and just looked crappy.

Mood wise I am feeling really good in a nice way. I have my appointment with my new psychologist coming up on Wednesday, which I am really looking forward to. I will let you all know of course how I go with her. Otherwise next week is Stepping Stone and Dr D. Ahhhhh, it's so nice to feel stable. It's just awesome actually :)

*hugs*
Sarah

BRRR

BRRRR

AWWW

Ahhh, now that's the idea :)

Friday, June 10, 2011

not the end

I have been thinking about zines for a few days and what to do about them and I can't do it! I can't stop writing By the Skin of My Teeth as the series means too much for me. I am about to start issue six about my adventures in life at Stepping Stone. There is so much I just don't have time to write about in here and so much going on right now. So... I am putting the about anything zine on hold for now while I tackle the zine about Stepping Stone. I am changing style though. Lately I have been doing the cut and paste style, but I will be trying out an older style with a little bit of cut and paste here and there. Should be good. Life is amazing right now. I can't believe the girl that I was just a few weeks ago :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Transitional Employment

I went to stepping stone yesterday and found out that there was a transitional employment or TE as they call them, availible with the Salvation Army sort all the donations that come in. It is a paid job and its 19 hours per week. So I went to Eschleigh and told her I was interested and she set me up in the system to say I am looking for work. Then I filled out a heap of paperwork and then I got driven out to the job to have a look to see if I was still interested. I said yes. The next step is the four staff members that look after the job have to decide whether they will give it to me.

The awesome thing is a staff member would be with me for the first three weeks and then they'd cut it back to another two weeks and then they would just be on call for me any time I needed them. The job goes for seven months and I even get holiday pay. I so hope I get the opportunity to do this because this might stop some of the panic attacks or at least have someone to help me through them if I do have one. This support lasts the whole time of the job. Also, if I got sick or went into hospital, a staff member would do the job for me to keep it open. How good is that!!!!!

Fingers crossed!

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

a day with Moo

I was supposed to see Dr D today but I felt sick in the tummy, so I stayed home and slept with Moo at curled up in a little ball next to me. It was a good day for sleeping as it is overcast and cold. I slept until lunch time. Then I got up for a little TV and lunch but I still [and it's now nearly 5pm] feel sick. I hope I don't have a bug. I am off to stepping stone early tomorrow morning, which I am looking forward to. I hope I have a better day there than I did on Monday. Nothing much exciting happening. Which is awesome really. It feels like things are really settling and it is nice to spend time with Moo when she is all snoozy. I love a snoozy cat, they are usually more cuddly.

Things with Andy are going awesome too. So it's nice to report some good news for once. I got a call from the DBT lady at my hospital for an intake interview. There is a long waiting list though but hey, I have other things to do right now anyway. I also have to get a diagnostic sleep study done. My doctor is making sure I don't have sleep apnia because I snore and I wake up tired nearly every day and I am tired through the day. He is also getting my iron studies done too. I have had really low iron before when I had my ED really bad and I was told a year ago I had low iron and I didn't do anything about it. I am tired even now and I slept through the night until 6:15am. Could be my meds too. Who knows, I guess that's why we are doing these tests. Oh the joys!

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

changing direction

I went to CBT today again for the first time back since my hospital admission a few weeks ago. It was part of the plan. Monday and Friday is stepping stone and tuesday and thursday is CBT. I hit a wall. I just can't do this. If I am supposed to fix work, it is not going to be through CBT, well that's how I feel anyway. I found a psychologist now and I am seeing her next wednesday for the first time. Her name is Emma. Then I got to thinking. If this is about work and I am working one on one with a psychologist and my psychiatrist, I do not want to do CBT.

I had an idea! I would go to stepping stone four days a week, with wednesdays off. I rang Andy to see what he thought and he agreed. I just get pissed off in groups like these. I just cannot do this. This was time number three and I at this stage do not want to go back. I'd rather work one on one with someone and ultimately it is totally about me and call me selfish, but I'd rather deal with my issues one on one where I can hog the whole time for me, rather than wait my turn in CBT. Then I can go into any detail I like and it won't upset anyone or someone else won't upset me.

I think I like this idea :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, June 6, 2011

anxiety

I went to stepping stone today and I was okay to start with. My team was getting the printed monthly newsletter folded and ready to post. I don't mind doing work like this, it keeps me busy. There were several problems though. The lady that was to my left was obviously very impaired by her illness and couldn't figure out how to fold the newsletter and put the sticky tape on it and kept handing them back to me. I was stapling them.

I hit a wall about 9:30am, I wanted to run. I instead chatted to Prue, a staff member who gave me some ideas, maybe try and get her to just put the tape on. So I go back to the table and I say to this lady [I don't know her name] that how about I staple and fold and you put the tape on. She seemed happy with this and so we continue. I couldn't concentrate. The lady to my right was informing everyone that happened to walk by her that her daughter had become a clubhouse member too. It was sending me demented.

I take a break and go downstairs and have the yummiest ever yoghurt and fruit and concoction and a latte and then head on back up. I then started my task again, stapling and folding but the same things kept happening. I was getting more and more irritated and anxious, so I rang Andy and he told me about what he was up to and how Moo was doing curled up on the bed asleep. I envied her.

I go back to the task again and listen to the wonder of  the daughter joining clubhouse and so I get out my ipod and I put it on and I turn it up really loud. I figure if I can't hear anyone, I will be fine. One little problem, my layering of clothes this morning because I think it's going to be really cold, is turning into a disaster. I am boiling. I figure it's not my day to be here and I leave.

On the way home I start thinking about how the hell I am going to fix this anxiety. I ring the psychologist office I was going to at the beginning of the year. The lady I was going to see is booked up until the middle of July but there is another lady there I can see next week and because I have a mental health plan I am going to be bulk billed [I don't have to pay, the government does]. I feel a little better.I don't want to be a burden on Andy if I don't try and do something about this now and it never gets better.

I am trying so hard. I am getting up early every day to go to either stepping stone or CBT, tomorrow it's CBT. After feeling a bit better, I hear Andy coming and I press myself against the fridge so he can't see me and as I hear him coming I leap out and scream which scares the crap out him. I am cracking up laughing when there is a knock at the door. It's Sue, my outreach nurse, who unfortunately heard me scream and I have to explain it was just a joke.

What a day. I want to get better so bad. I know I've only just started, but I worry I never will and I will be forever anxious and a burden on Andy and society. I don't know how it came to this but I do, I ran one time too many and now it's locked in my brain. At least today I tried four times to stop myself from running and never coming back to stepping stone. Although I left, I know I'll go back, that's the good thing. If I do this enough, maybe I can stay longer and stop the running all together. I hope so!

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, June 5, 2011

tiredness

I was thinking today about my tiredness and it suddenly dawned on me that a year ago my doctor told me I had low iron and I needed to take iron tablets. I did start taking them but then stopped because of the constipation I was getting from my teblets and then from the iron tablets. I have been sleeping so much lately that I wonder if the iron has dropped lower. This has happened before when I my eating disorder was really bad and I was almost anemic but even after this, when I was eating really well, I had low iron.

I am going to see if I can see my GP on wednesday and get some blood tests to make sure everything else is fine and to see how my iron is going. I might also start taking some iron tablets anyway. It can't hurt. I seriously could just sleep all day and all night and it's not the depression only. I think there is more to it. I guess I'll just have to get it checked out.

I am a little scared about starting my full five day week this week. Monday and Friday - Stepping Stone and Tuesday and Thursday - CBT and Wendesday Dr D. What if I freak out and fail. I shouldn't think like that, that just leaves me open to failure. What if instead I say, I will do my best and if I have a bad day, there is always tomorrow! Failure is only failure if you look at it like that, otherwise it's just a lesson.

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Positives for the week

I know I am finally through the rough patch I have had lately because I am feeling really happy and content. It was really hard to go through it all and I have never cried so much in ages. I really did think I was going to walk out on Andy and take Missy with me. I am so so glad we sorted it all out. Now it feels like old times.


Success Stories
- I made it through a really hard time with Andy and we are okay
- I made it through a nearly full day at stepping stone, even though I was tired that night and had to go to bed at 6:30pm
- I am doing what I said I'd do as part of my agreement with Andy

Gratitudes/things that make me happy
- Andy and Missy
- Feeling happy just because
- Watching Missy play, she is so funny and a bit nutty
- It's now winter and I love rugging up and getting warm

Challenge/Cheerleading statements
- Just because I feel anxious doing certain tasks at stepping stone, there are staff members that are there to help me through it and it's only really been my first week this week
- Being tired after a full day is normal, almost everyone feels that
- I'm the only one that expects me to be fully work ready right, while others just expect me to move along at a pace that is comfortable for me

Brrrr... time to snuggle up with Missy and Andy

Friday, June 3, 2011

interesting zine developments

Since some of you are interested in my zines, I thought I'd let you in on some zine developments that are underway at the moment. By the Skin of My Teeth has had its last issue, finishing on issue 5.5, well for now anyway. I don't have any other ones in mind. Maybe at some point I'll revisit it but I do find that I am limited in what I talk about there, so I want some freedom. You can still get a copy because I will be reprinting them, just not making any new ones.

I realised that I really liked the 1/4 sized (A6) size zine. It is so much easier to mail. I had the choice of going on with By the Skin of My Teeth and making it A6 but it just didn't feel right. So, I had to come up with a new name for a new series of zines that gave me more freedom of topics. The title is way out there but I can't disclose it yet until the first issue is ready. If anyone told me that I'd use this title, I would have said they needed a little rest somewhere nice but I kind of like its wackiness. The best part is that under this title, I can talk about anything. More on that later. Let's just say this, it has something to do with toast and something to do with yaks. Baffled? Yeah, Andy was too ;-)

*hugs*
Sarah

my first day

I had my first day of my new regime yesterday. I went to stepping stone and I stayed from 9am until 2pm. Oh my gosh I am tired today and I am going back, for as long as I can. On the way home I have to stop at the hospital I get my pain meds from and pick the tablets up. I went to bed last night at 6:30pm and I woke up at 4:30am. I have a lot of achy muscles. I got to do the proof reading for the monthly newsletter and I also had a lot of anxiety at one point but I spoke to a staff member and felt better and stayed instead of running away.

We got to talking about working at what I wanted from stepping stone and I had a look at the transitional employment jobs and wasn't interested in any of them. I said I have no problem getting jobs but it's starting them and staying there that I have a problem with. They said I could do supported employment instead, where I would be able to ring them if I felt like that and they could come to me on the job or they could talk me through the anxiety on the phone. I really like this idea.

Then when I left Andy was telling me about a job that might be coming up at one of the recruitment jobs we are both listed with and they said that there was a contact centre job [incoming calls only] and if we wanted, we could both work there and I would have more support because Andy would be around. I think this is an awesome idea. He would be in a different team but he would be there at least. I don't think I'd have a problem with being around him at work and home because for the last five or six months it has been like that anyway, except when I've been in hospital. Just knowing he is in another room or another section would help.

So I am hoping that today goes well. I will most likely be tired and so I won't push myself too hard and just let my body tell me when it's too much, as I know in the end, after a month or so, I will be fine working more hours each day. I have to remind myself that I just do what I can and that is all I can expect of myself. I am not superwoman! Well, not yet anyway ;-)

Okay, off to read some blogs!

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

making amends

I was really nervous today as I had to go with Andy to his parents house and I know that his mum was less than impressed with all of the upheaval of late. When I got there I just took a deep breath and went in the door and everything was okay. I explained some of the stuff and we talked about this and that and then when Andy was away from me I put my hand on his mum's arm and whispered "I am so sorry for all the turmoil". She just said that it was okay and we all have these things, that every marriage has ups and downs. It felt good to say sorry and now I won't be nervous next time the phone rings or we have to go up there.

I feel better too within myself. I am so much calmer and Andy said I was giggling in my sleep last night. I got up at 4am and instead of just sitting and blogging, I unpacked and put away all the DVDs I packed when I decided I was going to leave Andy. I had it all looking good by the time Andy got up. He said he kept hearing noises [me dropping DVDs] and was worried we were being broken into. Then he reached over to me and he realised I wasn't there. He said he had a moment of "uh oh" and then when he came down he felt heaps better and I ran over and hugged him and said no more running away.

I think we are going to be okay :)

*hugs*
Sarah

the best night ever

Last night was awesome. Andy and I had a huge chat about things and so we put it all behind us. When we were doing the dishes I put on some music [Missy Higgins by the way] and I started dancing and singing and was loving it. I had the best time. Then we went outside and Andy said to me, I see that twinkle back in your eyes, your smile is a real smile, not half hearted.

I realised that while I was in hospital, Dr D upped my seroquel XR dose by 200mg. Then we thought back and I was on the decreased dose since January of 400mg and it was around then that things started to go pear shaped but I didn't notice it. I think all this stuff with Andy was just masking the fact that I was on too low of a dose of seroquel, so when I sorted all that out with Andy, it was all fine and I am happy, really really happy in a healthy way. I am glad I decided to take responsibility and face my issues head on because they seemed to have worked. I know I can get through all this now! I have no doubt at all!

*hugs*
Sarah