We have a very strange cat indeed and I love her with all my heart. Moo loves water. When you are in the shower she sits on the otherside of the screen and waits for you to finish and open the door and then she prances in and sits down even though the bottom is really wet. She has an awful habit of climbing into our toilets if we leave the lids up and she loves it when we clean our teeth. I just have to walk into the bathroom and she comes running. Here are a couple of shots of her this morning after I had cleaned my teeth but with the tap still on.
In 1993 I had large fist sized tumour on my thymus with a small part of it on my aorta of my heart. It was very scary and after the surgery we did not know if it was cancer or not. I was 19 at the time and I didn't know what was really happening and why everyone was so upset. I didn't know I could have the big 'C'. Two days after the surgery the results came back as benign tumour. The only problem was that they couldn't get it all because the last bit was on the aorta and they would have thinned the wall of that too much causing me trouble with my heart.
Over the past month I have been having chest pain again. I have done over the years every now and then and it's always gone away. I have only ever had chest x-rays, not CT scans, which is how they found the original tumour. I am having a scan today to see if the tumour has re-grown. The positive is that it was benign, the negative if it has grown back is that it means more surgery. The first time I had to have it likek open haeart surgery, if it has re-grown, I am sure it would be keyhole surgery now. I am a little nervous I must admit. I guess anyone would be.
In other news I am looking forward to spending some time with my mum next week. She is picking me and my sewing machine up and we are going to sew at her house in front of the Blackall Ranges. The view is really beautiful. I will just focus on this today.
Andy got a phone call from the Winton boss yesterday informing him that he was no longer going to be interviewed. That it wasn't his decision. Andy didn't say anything wrong, he only offered dates as possible times to fly up. We were both really shell shocked because it all seemed okay. I think it's so unfair to offer someone an opportunity like that and then take it back the next day. It's really shitty. In a way then we are happy we aren't going if there is that type of politics going on.
I don't know how to feel. I think I was running away from my life to go to Winton in a way and now it's gone, I have to face life again and that's hard :(
I am so excited. Andy and I will be going to Winton in a week or so for him to have his interview for the museum up there. We found out earlier today that they wanted to interview him and will pay his airfair and accommodation. We just have to pay for my airfair. Isn't that awesome :)
I have had a bit of yucky day with a horrible headache but this news has made me a little happier. I have been laying down most of the day and slept a little. I have done a bit of knitting and just not done much really. I hope it's gone tomorrow [the headache that is] as I have my sewing machine lesson and I see Dr M, who might reduce my lamictal again. That would be awesome too.
We are waiting on Winton and whether Andy gets the job (or an interview for that matter). The latter I believe is a goer. There are mixed feelings about Winton from Andy's side but I think it's just because he's been waiting so long he has forgotten why he wanted to go there so much. I think once he walks into the museum and into the interview, he will really want it again.
I am waiting for part time work to come up. I had a think about what Eschleigh said from Stepping Stone and how she didn't think I was capable of part time work, only really supported work and I disagree. The type of work we did the day she did her assessment, is not my usual type of work. I think I could cope with a few days a week.
I am also waiting on my sewing machine "getting to know your machine" lesson on Wednesday. I have had a go at trying some sewing and have royally botched it up so far. I need my mum to help me with the patchwork side of things because I see things I want to make and they are all patchwork things and there are techniques I just don't get. I have been knitting instead and have just finished my fourth scarf. I have two more to make before I start on my pattern. I attempted it last week and it was really hard because at one part you have to purl three stitches together and I keep dropping them and having to start again. Loving knitting still though. I am about to try a scarf in a different type of stitch, so that will be good.
Yesterday was awesome. I got MS publisher for my desktop computer, so now I can do all my zines on here, yay! I got two pairs of jeans [yay to no more track/sweat pants all the time]. I got fitted for bras, which was awesome because I've never done that before and I got three that actually fit me. I got more yarn for Andy and some things for my jacket I am going to make in a few weeks with my mum's help. I am really looking forward to it.
Other than that, I am feeling good that I gave the $2200.00 to our household money. I feel like I have done something to contribute and it just feels so nice. I am happy. I'll keep you posted on Winton. I hope you are all travelling along okay. I have been having so much trouble keeping up with you all. I am trying but I am just struggling with it, so I appologise if I have been so absent. I am trying. I feel a little out of kilter with blogger right now. It's strange, I hope it goes away soon!
I am so so excited right now because only four days after putting my tax in, I got my refund. I simply cannot believe it. Last year I had to wait for four weeks for it. So this is amazing. I was able to contribute to our household $2200, which I am so happy about because I haven't been working and this will really help us. I am also getting a few things for me, like some clothes that fit, office publisher for my main computer so I can do all of my zines on this one and other general stuff. It's all very exciting really. It's all a big adventure because today I get to go shopping for fun stuff in the City. I love shopping for fun stuff :)
What a last few days. On Wednesday I got a new addition to our household. A gorgeous bargin of a sewing machine called Ellie. Well she had to have a name! She is an Elna machine and I got to have a play that night with her. She was marked down from $799 to $429. It was awesome to find her. I even get a free lesson next week. She came with a plastic cover to keep her clean and I was really upset the next morning to find that Moo had pulled the cover off, had chewed and had pulled the thread out of the needle. Let me tell you I was so mad. I didn't get mad at her directly but just felt mad inside. Needless to say that Ellie is well covered now. I am buying a pattern to try over the weekend when I leave Stepping Stone today.
Yesterday at Stepping Stone we went out to a workplace and did some destroying of archives. I last only half the time as the rest because I really struggled with the need to run, to get out and it was way overwhelming. Eschleigh said today that I wouldn't be able to cope with full time definitely and part time maybe. She said she really thought a transitional employement job was what I was capable of, though that was really hard to hear that I couldn't do what I thought I could.
I also am trying my first pattern with my knitting. My hands are better because I haven't been knitting as much, but it's a tricky one and I keep dropping my stitches. One of them is to purl three stitches together and this is where I fall down each time, I get it for a while but then drop it and have to start again. I am keeping on keeping on though. I have been so tired lately I've been neglecting my poor little blog but hey, we can only do what we can do. Hope you are all well!
Here are some positives that are floating around right now :)
- I am currently experience no symptoms of either the bipolar or the borderline
- I am really happy right now
- I am in love with my kitty, she is so beautiful and awesome
- I am enjoying spending time with my family
- I am getting really close to my mum, the other day she said "sometimes I forget you're my daughter" meaning that she saw me as a really good friend too and this made me feel good
Gratitudes/things that make me happy
- Andy and Missy and my mum
- Cats in general
- Tomorrow I am getting my sewing maching and I am really excited.
- I am really grateful to my mum for lending me the money for my sewing machine early so I can pay her back when my tax refund comes in a about three/four weeks
- I am lucky
- Enjoy the gentle happiness while you can because things go up and down and that is normal. Just ride the wave as far as you can and cherish it along the way
- I am a good friend/wife/cat mum and I need to embrace it
- I am not fat and I have to remind myself that my body perception is false. What I see is not what others see
Just another cat photo, I'm sure you are sick of them. I wish I was a cat!
My girl, fast asleep and snoozy, she looks so happy. I realise how resucing her from the cat rescue has changed her life so much. She is happy and safe and has found her forever home. I sometimes wonder what would have happened to her had we not found her. She is such a special little creature and I love spending time with her. I think if you are thinking of getting a cat, why not look at a refuge. Moo was five months old when we got her but she has just fitted in perfectly and because she had been to five foster homes before us, she is very sociable with anyone that comes into the house but I know she loves it with us. Okay, enough cat talk :)
Life seems to be moving along smoothly right now. I even sold my last scrapbooking machine yesterday, so I have extra cash, which is always nice. I don't feel low or high, just a nice medium. I am looking forward to getting my first sewing machine on Wednesday and my knitting is coming along well, even if I can only do short stints at a time. I have picked out my first sewing item, which is a patchwork bag. It's really nice and I am really excited about starting it. I will also be doing some embroidery on it, which I haven't done before either but I do have a pattern. It's strange moving from papercraft to sewing/knitting/embroidery. I guess it's like anything in your life, things always change an evolve.
It was so funny yesterday when the lady came to pick up the scrapbooking machine because Missy was all over her. She even put her paw on the lady's belly at one point and she was rubbing herself all over her. It was actually really cute and the lady thought it was too. Missy is such a sociable cat and I guess that's because when she was a kitten, by the time she was with us at five months, she had been in five different foster homes. It wasn't because she was a bad cat, but because the people just couldn't take care of her anymore. I am so glad she found her forever home with us.
Well I had my sleep study last night and I must say I am tired today. Besides the 25 leads I had coming from all parts of my body, the ones that were around and up my nose and around my ears were awful. I was really sore from them. I would be very happy if I never had another sleep study in my whole life. So, bearing that in mind, this will be short. I think I am just going to relax today and sleep if I need to. When I am feeling better I will do a bit of kniting ad reading some patchwork and quilting mags. I feel old!
Tonight I have my sleep study. I am not relishing the idea of being watched while I sleep but if it works out why I am tired all the time, that would good. I don't know what to expect either. I guess I'll find out when I get there. Time just seems to be zooming this afternoon as it gets closer to the time I have to leave. I have 2 hours and 45 minutes left before I have to be in a taxi and out of here.
I will also really miss Andy tonight and Moo as well. I have been bonding with Moo all day as she has been with me everywhere I go. Even fell asleep with me when I fell asleep this morning. I woke up so tired and I just snoozed for about two hours. Moo curled up at my feet and went to sleep too.
I am so excited about getting my sewing machine and have found some patterns I am interested in trying. The first being a bag to carry my knitting in. I think once I have two crafts to do, I won't be as sore because I'll not be so focused on one task all the time.
Also sorry I have had trouble catching up with you on your blogs. I am trying but I still seem to miss posts. I am so bad! It would probably help if I had a blogroll, but I don't have one purposely in case someone that visits is upset they aren't on there. It's easier to leave it off I think, for me anyway.
Since I can't knit for a bit, I have found my hands hurting with other things now too doing general stuff like opening door handles and stuff, I started to look around for something else I could do. I have decided that I want to buy a sewing machine and do patchwork and quilting. I am getting my new sewing machine most likely next wednesday. My mum is an avid patchwork and quilter, so she is going to teach me how to do it. In the meantime I am just reading magazines for both knitting and quilting, patchwork and stitching. It's so nice to have new hobbies .
So that is the verdict for the next week with knitting. I had my hand looked at today and I am only allowed to knit for 30 minutes twice a day for the next week. Man, am I going to be bored . I have my Kindle though and can always read that if worst comes to worst. I am tired tonight. Tired and dizzy. I can't concentrate. I saw Dr M today and he thought I was a bit manic. He said we are going to keep an eye on it and apparently there is a new drug coming on the PBS for bipolar possibly this week, there is some meeting happening about it and he said we could try that if it does happen. I feel all over the place. Ugh! I think although it doesn't seem it, there is a lot happening. New jobs [maybe even for me], me being sick with this inner ear thing and being dizzy all the time, my sore hand, wanting to knit more but can't :( I just wanna! Let's not forget Winton. The job application process hasn't closed yet, so we are still waiting. We think it closes in a few weeks. Wanna sleep sleep sleep sleep. Having an actual proper sleep study on friday night at a private hospital in the city. Weird. Will I sleep at all there? Okay, even though it is only nearly 7:30pm, I'm going to sleep anyway. Nice warm bed, here I come :)
So I found out yesterday after feeling dizzy all day that I have fluid on my ear drums. I am now on an anti-dizzy tablet, which although it's meant to make people sleepy, doesn't have that side-effect with me because of all my meds that already do that, which I am immune to anyway [the sleepiness that is]. I also have a physio appointment for my hand today. While I was waiting for the doctor I went to my physio who is next door and asked her if I needed to see them and she said yes. I haven't knitted for two days now and it's horrible. She said it was the tendon that was sore, so I will see her this afternoon, which I am actually looking forward to so I can get back to knitting. I made her laugh when I said "knitting is a very dangerous sport you know!".
Otherwise I feel fine. I have decided too that I am ready to try work again and I might have a job already. I find out in the next few days if I have an interview, so here's hoping. I already know the boss too because he worked in a different school [this is back at the uni I worked at] than he is in now while I was in timetabling. If I get it, Stepping Stone will do a Supported Employment program with me where they are on call for me and all I have to do is ring and they will help me through my problem. Also they can come out and have lunch with me and make sure I am doing okay. Isn't that cool!!!! What an action paced day yesterday was. I'll let you all know if I get the job, there are actually two jobs going there, I hope I get one. The only thing is it is full time and so I will be jumping right in straight away instead of part time first. I think I'll be okay, I am getting bored so it would help with that and it's close to home because it is at a different campus than where I have worked before. Fingers crossed :)
I am now on complete rest with my right hand because last night while washing up, I turned my hand and got the sharpest pain through the thumb from knitting. It's going to be really hard not knitting but I have to because I don't want to damage my hand and end up having to have to expensive medical treatments on it. I am really bummed about this. I do have a few knitting magazines I can read to get my fix and I also have my Kindle I can read, I am in the middle of Second Glance by Jodi Picoult, I should finish that.
I am also not feeling the best today, physically that is. I feel a bit sick in the tummy and a bit dizzy. I am not going to Stepping Stone today, I will stay home, though see how I am as I have an appointment with Emma my psychologist, this afternoon. Anyway, will see! Here's hoping and praying my hand gets better soon. I just don't know how long to completely rest it. Does anyone have any idea?
I am really excited because my blog is now two years old today. How awesome is that!!!! I can't believe that I have been blogging for that long and my little blog now has clocked up 928 posts, including this one, has an awesome 217 people following and others reading or stopping by and has been looked at 25141 times so far and has helped me through some really tough times, some really good times and some medium neutral times.
I really want to say thank you to all of you because without you all in blogsphere out there, my blog would have ended long ago, so thank you everyone for reading and taking the time to comment. Woohoo, this is asking for cake :)
Yesterday Moo gave Andy and I a big fright. I noticed that she was running around with with [not plastic] but one of those green bags you buy to take to the supermarket everytime you go, around her neck. At first I thought she was playing and had a giggle because it looked so funny with her running around with it wobbling beside her. I realised though when I went inside that it was around her neck tightly. I yelled out to Andy and ran over to Moo and picked her up and Andy unwound it. She didn't even stuggle thankfully. Poor little thing.
Isn't it scary when little things happen to our little furry friends or even big things. In that moment I was glad we were home or it could have been much worse. See Moo loves bags and plays with them all the time, not plastic ones. We have now taken the offending bags away from her and shut them in a cupboard. Glad she is okay though. I was just smooching with her as she is currently on my lap and she is just the most beautiful little kitty. I love her so much :)
Yesterday was Andy's brother's birthday party. It was actually really nice. Andy couldn't go because of a job he has taken on cleaning the butcher shop on Saturdays and a few other days throughout the week. We realised he wouldn't make it to work on time if he came to the party, bummer. It was nice though and my mother-in-law Dot, showed me how to do the purl stitch, which I have now been practising. I can't believe I thought it was really hard. It took a few goes with it because I felt all tangled but I got it in the end. I also had Akemi there, my sister-in-law and she helped me too. I got all tangled with it a few times and they just took the stitches back so I could try again [this is the next thing I want to learn because it's frustrating when you stuff up and don't know how to fix it].
As for my knitting injury, I have been resting it as much as possible and going for long stretches without knitting [very hard for me]. I am going to take Elk's suggestion and put deep heat on my thumb and see how that goes. For those that don't know, I got a repetive strain injury in my thumb from knitting [yes, I know, who would have thought]!
I hope you are all travelling along okay and having a good weekend so far.
Most of you know that I have been knitting up a storm the last few weeks. Well... I now have a knitting injury [who would have thought?]. I have been knitting so much that I have hurt the muscles in my right thumb. I am now not allowed to knit so much, only small amounts each day [the world is coming to an end... not... but what will I do instead?]. I had a very painful hand massage today [I know!] and it was funny [not really] when they said "after knitting, ice and other times heat". It has been really hard to stop knitting but I realise that if I don't stop, I could end up with repetitive strain injury or worse. It seems strange to me that knitting could do that but I guess everything you do, if you do it too much, can cause problems.
In other news, not much is happening. I am just cruising along really but just trying to keep warm. We are having a bit of cold snap here is sunny Brisbane. It is apparently going to be very cold overnight over the next few days and into next week. I have tried out my scarf for the first time tonight and I love it. I am so proud of it and it's so soft and warm. I've never had a scarf before because of my neck [If you don't know, there are only 1 and a half bones in there] so most of my jumpers and hoodies usually keep me warm. But this scarf is very soft so it fits okay in the back and is nice and toasty.
Tomorrow I am having a family roast with Andy's mum and dad but Andy has to work, so I am on my own. And also Andy's mum is going to teach me to do the purl stitch for knitting. Though I will take it easy and just practise for a small time. I am looking forward to it. I haven't got much else planned. I hope you are all doing okay.
I am trying to read blogs but coming off of the lamictal has made that a little difficult. I have had some minor hypomania which I have been able to manage and control on my own. It's just the lack of sleep that I am struggling with. Last night I lay awake for ages and now that my phone is not allowed next to my bed [due to time checking throughout the night] I never know what time it is or how long I've been laying there. It's frustrating. Let's hope I sleep tonight. That would be nice! I promise to catch up with you all soon :)
This is going to be a short post. I saw Dr M yesterday and we have reduced my lamictal to 150mg from 200mg. I am coming off it slowly because I can't afford it anymore. I am so so happy with that. The other thing we talked about is me constantly waking up during the night from 3am onwards and we might of found out why. When I wake up, normally I reach for my phone to check what time it is, which wakes me up and I do again and again. Dr M said, get rid of the phone near the bed. So last night I put the phone up with Solomon, my plush polar bear and it felt really weird. I did wake up at 3am probably, don't know what time it was and I couldn't go to sleep for the longest time but then I did and I didn't wake up until the alarm woke me up. I am hoping this solves my waking up and being tired problem.
A big hello to my new readers, thanks for joining us :)
Yesterday I left early to go to Stepping Stone and since I had just recieved my money from some ebay sales, I decided that I was going to have a shopping day instead [I know - naughty] but I was wearing my little miss naughty shirt, so that's okay. First of all it was only 7:30am, so no shops that I needed were open until 9am. I then realised that I had forgotten to put the new ball of yarn in my bag the night before and so I promptly ran out of yarn and so had to just sit there and wait.
The first stop was a shop that sold converse shoes and so I got a pair of charcol boots, which I love by the way. The next stop was to get my rook piercing removed from my ear. It kept on getting really yucky with build up gunk and I couldn't clean it myself because I couldn't see it. I was happy to have it gone too because it was hurting all the time.Then it was to Lincraft to get a matching ball of yarn so I could continue knitting. I had my appointment with Emma, my psychologist in the afternoon, so needed something to do. I then went and bought some cargo pants and all in all was a very successful shop. I even had money left over.
After all the shopping I went and sat in King George Square and sat near a lady with a baby. We got to talking and we had the most awesome chat for half and hour and we talked about the fact that we both had suffered from eating disorders, we chatted about her gorgeous little girl Indigo, she is so so cute and we just talked about all this stuff that you would never normally talk to a stranger about. At the end she had to go but she gave me a big hug and as she walked away I whispered "may happiness find you".
I then sat and knitted and a group of elderly ladies came along and I got to talking to them too and they gave me tips on my knitting and admired the colours and softness of my scarf I am making for myself. Then it was off to see Emma and that was good too. We talked about me needing to be grounded and that she wants me to look at one DBT card before I start knitting every time. Thinking about what it means in that moment. With the being grounded part, she wants me to think of my feet and think of the layer of skin that touches my shoe on the floor and to imagine that there are roots growing out of my feet into the ground, feel the earth ground me. I will try all of these things definitely. Will let you all know how I go.
It was just a lovely lovely day. It wasn't rushed and it was just nice to meet people at random and to feel connected to them in some way. I love these kinds of days, they are awesome!
Over the last few days/week, I have noticed that I have been really anxious with tasks even at Stepping Stone [my work rehab place I go to] and I haven't been wanting to say anything to Andy because we had a deal that I'd start back at work again after eight weeks at Stepping Stone. I told Dr M last week that I was scared and he told me to tell Andy that pressure is not a good thing for me when I am feeling so anxious. But I didn't.
Today I went to Stepping Stone and I was doing some tasks, had some issues with anxiety, though I am really really trying but then I totally copped at when I had an asthma attack that wouldn't go away. I took my inhaler several times and then, although I noticed that when I was distracted it wasn't as bad [bit of anxiety there as I was hyperventilating as well] I still said I wasn't feeling well and went home. I went into the city instead [which I have to pass through to get home] and stopped at Lincraft to get some more yarn and while I was looking, I noticed the attack had passed and that I was indeed hyperventilating each time after it. I would feel a little tightness and I would focus on it.
Anyway, back to what I was saying. So tonight Andy came home and I actually really told him that working in this city scares the crap out of me. He asked me if I was scared about working at Winton and I said not at all and that I looked forward to it if all goes to plan ie. if he gets the job, which looks promising. He was really good about it and said that is okay, that I am selling stuff to help out and giving him money that is left over and will give him most of my tax refund and just keep what I really need.
I am hoping that telling him will ease my anxiety and help me to stay more present at Stepping Stone. I just hope he doesn't change his mind. I found out today that the closing date for the Winton job isn't until the end of July and it's only the beginning of July. Maybe I will feel better as time goes by and feel okay to work. We'll see I guess! I hope you are all doing okay :)
I finally finished Andy's scarf this morning. Poor Andy got a rude shock when I came racing into the bedroom at 6am as I had dropped a stitch and needed my beginners book to know what to do. I was panicking because it was starting to drop and drop more. I caught it though and messily picked up all the stitches. I had some repairing to do though and thankfully because it is so fluffy, you can't notice it. Anyway, here is a pic of Andy and his scarf.
It's very purple and I'm so glad he likes it :)
Not much else to tell you, I am still just plodding along and just taking life as it comes. I am so liking this relaxed mood and no drama. It really is nice. Now all I have to do is figure out what I am going to knit next :)
Right now life is really normal. I get up, I do what I need to do during the day, I eat three meals and two snacks and then I watch a bit of TV [with many periods of in knitting in between of course] and then go to bed. It's so nice to be normal, with no highs or lows but just nice and steady flow. I feel really really good. I guess the only thing that could unhinge this is as I am going off of lamictal. I've Dr M that it is too expensive for me and I can't afford it anymore. Especially on disability. In Australia, lamictal is not recognised as a drug to treat bipolar. It's only listed for epilepsy. So that means for me that I have to pay full price for it instead of getting it subsidised by the government.
In other news we still haven't heard about Winton, but as Andy would say, I am quietly confident about it all. It just feels right. I have started to really dislike living in the city and would love to move away from all this. There are a whole heap of things I see as signs. Like me getting really well and giving up unhealthy ways of dealing with my bipolar and BPD. Like me giving up cardmaking because it has been sitting there for over six months doing nothing. I had a few classes but I didn't do anything at home and so I am selling my whole craft stuff, including the trolleys, on ebay. The fact that I am looking around in distaste when I look around my city and want to leave [that is a first, I've lived here since 1992 and never felt like that]. The fact that Craig, the person who would be Andy's boss, has taken Andy's application to the board. The fact that I can get journalism work up there [I am a trained journalist], Craig seemed excited about that too. There are many more things I can't think of right now.
I am not getting my hopes up too much, but part of me is excited. I am going to contain it though in case it doesn't happen. I just can't imagine working in this city again. It scares the crap out of me completely. It really really does. Please all think of us and keep your fingers and toes crossed. That would be awesome!
I haven't anything to tell you guys over the last few days. Nothing is really going on, which is awesome. I have been knitting up a storm and Andy's scarf is now huge, I am up to ball of yarn four. I wrecked my nana's scarf by dropping a stitched and because of the yarn being really stickly like and my stitches being really big, it was really noticable and I had to just give it up . I am now on the hunt for new yarn for her. I have been all over the place with Stepping Stone this week but when I've been there, I have been doing new tasks I haven't done before.
Oh yeah, Andy got a temp job, which is awesome for us and he starts on Monday. We haven't heard about Winton yet but we did find out that they didn't get anyone when they advertised last time and they were ringing around all the uni's that did museum studies to try and find graduates to apply. This is great for us because Andy might be their one and only real contender, being in the industry for 20 years and all the experience he has, plus he's worked at Winton before. I am really excited actually. I hope you are all travelling along okay, hello to my new readers, I hope you like it here. Until next time...