Wednesday, August 31, 2011

DBT

I started DBT again yesterday and it went really well. I was supposed to start last Thursday but was in hospital when I had that horrible virus. We started the day with yoga. I found it quite hard although relaxing. The we had a break and we went into the main hospital and had morning tea in there, which was provided for us [as was lunch]. I guess they figure if they are going to charge our insurance companies so much, they may as well feed us too.

After morning tea we talked about some issues around distress tolerance. We didn't learn the specific skills because we will do that on Thursdays but we more talked about what we do now to help ourselves when we are in a crisis and what a crisis means for us. I seemed to have a higher threshold of tolerance than anyone else in the group, which surprised me but in a good way.

As for the people, lets call them R1, R2 and M. Now R1 is right pain in the arse. She prattles on about herself all the time and talk and talks and talks about herself and how everyone is going to leave her, especially her boyfriend. I think the hard thing is she will talk over you and talks over you and just keeps on going for the next five minutes and the psychologist didn't pull her up, though I could see she was starting to get frustrated. I got the impression that R1 was trying prove she had BPD. R2 was dead silent. Only answering when asked a question and then spoke a yes or no. In the end the psychologist tried to bring R2 out and it worked. I like R2! Then there was M, the typical Aussie bloke in some respects. He calls you "mate" all the time and some of his blokey languages makes me giggle in a good way. He and I were in hospital there together earlier in the year.

I know we are having another person join us soon in our DBT group but she is in hospital at the moment. She seems really lovely. I am looking forward to seeing what happens next there. I'm sure I will be documenting it on here, so stay tuned. I hope you are all well :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, August 29, 2011

Not much

Just wanted to say I am still around and breathing. I just don't have much to say right now. I seem to be finding stuff to do away from the computer. I'm sure I will come back, just having a break now. I just didn't want you all to worry. You watch, I'll be back tomorrow :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, August 27, 2011

I'm finally better YAY

Well I got through the pristiq withdrawals and I got through my virus and now I can do anything in the world if I can live through both of those. I just want to thank you all who commented and sent me happy/positive/healing thoughts, they were much appreciated and I know went a long way in helping me to pull through. Hello to my new readers :) welcome and feel free to give your opinions and experiences as well.

I bought a learners "The Art of Knitting" and you get a new magazine and ball of wool a week and it teaches you the stitches and techniques by slowly making a throw rug. It looks pretty awesome too by the way. I finally finished the stitch swatches so I know which size needles I need. I tend to have tight tension so need bigger needles. So look out world, here I come and now to some serious knitting ;-)

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, August 26, 2011

Hospital

I remember last time I posted that I still felt awful from the withdrawals. Well I actually picked up a virus. I ended up with the worst diarrheoa and vommiting. like nothing I've ever had. One day on the way home I lost control of my bowels. I was so lucky that I was in a really bushy area no one goes but I was so embarrased and upset about it. In the end I got so dehydrated and I hadn't drunk or eaten anything for 24 hours and ended up in an ambulance going to hospital. You know what sucks, I missed my first DBT class. My mum drove all the way from where she is over an hour away, to pick me up when I was discharged and take me home and go again. I went straight to sleep. This morning I am okay. No diarrheoa so far, fingers crossed. I just get tired very easily. I hope you are all well!

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, August 21, 2011

I still feel crap

I had my last pristiq tablet on tuesday. I had really bad withdrawals up to friday but now still have minor ones. Today I have the sweats and I'm hot when it's a cold day. I have slept all morning. I felt awful when I woke up. I still feel crap. I hope this passes soon as I am sick of feeling sick. Andy has been awesome in letting me dribble on about how awful I feel all the time. Moo has been really cute. When I sleep, she jumps up and curls up into a little ball at the end of the bed and occasionally comes over and stands on my chest for a little hello pat. She is my cute little furball.

I am now dreading the lamictal reduction in case it's like this. I hope not. I don't think it will be so bad because in my own personal experience going off drugs, those types of drugs have been okayish. I guess we'll soon see.

Yesterday I met up with a friend who I had a big argument with when not well and told her I never wanted to see her again. She was my best friend and we'd been friends for over 20 years. I ended up appologising at the beginning of the year and it was awesome to see her. She is showing me how to make a jacket with my sewing machine. In the end when I was hugging her goodbye, I burst into tears and said I never wanted to lose her again and how I'd missed her so much. It was really healing. I think we will get back on track, it will never be the same but I'd like our friendship to be better than it was. You never know what you have until you throw it away.

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, August 20, 2011

withdrawals part two

I had my last pristiq tablet on Tuesday morning and the withdrawals started on Thursday morning. They started with a headache and nausea and by the end of Thursday I was puking everything I ate up. I was getting hot and cold and my head felt like it was going to explode. Friday morning was a little better, I still had the headache but it had lessened and I was a little dizzy but I think I got off pretty lightly really. I woke up this morning and I have the slightest touch of a headache but it's almost not there. I have made it off of pristiq.

In hindsight I think we should have taken the dose down one more step and said every second day at the lowest dose before taking it down. You have to wonder about these drugs and if they are hard to come off, what do they do to my body every day that I am on them? I know they are listed as safe but still, how hard it was coming off got me thinking about it. I don't know how I feel now as I don't think there's been enough time to establish whether removing pristiq will have made a difference to my mood. I know one thing though, I am not looking forward to six weeks time when I go off of lamictal. I've got three steps down to 100mg, down to 50mg and down to nothing. Has anyone gone off of lamictal and if so what was it like? I really hate drugs right about now!

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, August 18, 2011

withdrawals

Today is day two without pristiq. I am lucky that my withdrawals aren't too bad but they are still there. I am quite dizzy and feel all heavy and I have a headache too and my fingernails are tingly. I was expecting it to be worse. It could still get worse because it's only really 24 hours since I didn't take a dose. I guess I will just have to wait and see. Right now, think I'll go lay down.

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

medication changes and Moo

I had a very erratic session with Dr M yesterday. I was all over the place. One minute laughing the next crying and the next panicking. When I started to panic he had to stop me and tell me to close my eyes and breathe. This did work thankfully. Then we spoke about medication. I am now totally off the pristiq. He thinks the instability is coming from there. He is also actually listening to me and I am coming off the first step down of the lamictal in two weeks. He also asked me to not go off the pill just yet so we can get a clear indication of what is working and what is not. He just said to not skip my period like I have been doing.

Then that brings me to Moo. I had to take her to the vet yesterday because she has had diarrhoea on and off for a few weeks and a runny eye on and off. She was so so scared and I felt awful. I just hugged her and gave her my arm to snuggle into. There was a dog howling, which is what really upset her. The vet said very mild conjunctive itis. Also that she thinks her dry food is causing the diarrhoea. I was given some syrup for the diarrhoea and some cream for the eye. I also got her worming tablet while I was there which is due next week. I then got her some new dry food which is much better than what she was on.

Then when I got home I let her into the bedroom so she could snooze on the bed. But worse to come. It came time for her syrup and it must have tasted nasty because she had the tiniest little bit and she start to foam at the mouth. This freaked me out and I got upset and swore that her food will most likely fix the problem and the diarrhoea was not constant but irregular anyway. I couldn't give her anymore of that stuff. She looked totally sorry for herself and so I asked Andy if she could sleep with us last night. He said yes. So, I didn't sleep well because I had a kitty between my feet. She only ever sleeps on my side. I also got a big smooch at about midnight, where Moo was standing on my chest wanting pats. It's so cute. She looks fine this morning too. Her eye looks okay, the vet put stuff in it yesterday. Poor Andy has scratches all down his chest where he was holding her when we tried to give the medicine to her. I'm so glad she is okay.

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, August 15, 2011

Hormones and the Pill and other stuff

Sorry boys, this may not be the post for you but stay if you want to and feel free to comment, you are just as important as the ladies. I have been on the pill for about five years. In the last year I have basically skipped my period most of the time. When I don't skip it, I have noticed lately that I don't get anything anyway. Today I was thinking about that I and what I came to was that can't be good for my body, to not work like it should work, so I went off the pill. I know it will take several months or more before my body is working as it should work. This time with the pill I decided to have my period [this was before I just stopped taking it this morning] and boy, I am so grumpy and my belly hurts and ugh! But that is normal for a woman having her period.

I do know why I completely stopped it, because I like to know exactly when I am going to be having my period. Mine always was irregular and I used to chart it but sometimes it would surprise me. I used to always get really bad cramps too and headaches and 'oh boy' cranky. I know that this may all come back but I figure that it's better for my body to be acting in its natural way, than for me to be artificially stopping it from doing what it should every month. It may be inconvenient, yes, but hey, that's life.

I have been going through a process lately where I have been wanting to go back to basics, do what's' right for the environment, be self-sustainable as much as possible and now I want to treat my body right too because I only have one and it deserve to be treated right and respected. So for me it's lights off, compost, grow veggies, leave nothing on standby and turn the switches off at the wall, don't waste water and be careful of what I put down the sink. Also it's making sure we are healthy and yes that includes my little furball Moo. Especially Moo. Wow, I am noticing that my life feels like it's coming together. What a wonderful world!

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, August 12, 2011

Happy day

I have had a really relaxing day today. I woke up with a really sore shoulder and a headache and so didn't go to stepping stone but stayed home instead. I got up at 5am and had some tea and then fell asleep again at 8am. Andy woke me at about 9am and then I just sort of just chilled out. I fell asleep again at 10:30am [I hope I sleep tonight] but at least this time I woke up and my headache had gone.

I have had a really clumsy day in the garden. This morning I accidently nearly killed our tomato plant that has our first green/red tomato on it but Andy rescued it. The this afternoon I knocked our baby capsicum off the bush. I decided to not touch anything after that and things went well, lol. I bought a lavendar plant and she seriously smells beautiful. I can smell her as soon as I go outside. I am replanting her into a really nice pot in the next day or two. I decided to play around with my Nikon afterwards and took some pics.

Our first tomato

One of our other tomtoes, we have five all up

Our brussel sprouts, they will need a new home very soon
 
 Silverbeet and Pak Choy

This is a gorgeous flower from our Grevillea Tree. This was Andy's Easter present about three years ago.

A new flower starting on the Grevillea

Our little carrots

Moo's cat grass, she loves it. When we bring it in the house she sits there and chews on it. It's so funny to watch

My gorgeous new lavender plant - she smells amazing!!!

This is our last month of winter and everything is just so green and amazing. We have plants everywhere and I love watching them grow. I especially love watching the veggies grow as I know that we can eat them and they will be totally free of chemicals and they have been very well loved. I love how I feel today. Tomorrow will be just as good, I just know it :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Back to DBT and other stuff

On Tuesday I had my assessment to start DBT again in a group setting at my old hospital I used to go to earlier this year. It all went really well and I will most likely be starting in two weeks. This is a brand new group, so everyone will on the same page, which is awesome. It really sucks coming through halfway with some people knowing stuff and some people not. The group goes for six months and it should take me right up to my starting study. Which is good.

I will also probably make new cards like the ones I made when I saw my old psychologist, Cecily. These were prompting cards I made in publisher using digital scrapbooking images and prompting text to remind me what to do when I don't feel good. While in Dr M's room yesterday, the next office was being renovated and I was getting really angry with the noise. Dr M said, what would you do if you were using your DBT skills right now? At first I couldn't get past the noise but then I said "Observe, describe and let it go". He said, see you haven't forgotten, you just need to be reminded. I am looking forward to DBT.

The other thing is that Dr M is totally taking me off pristiq next Tuesday. Then we will start on the lamictal after that. We will then put the seroquel up. I was going to just stop taking the pristiq now and not tell Andy the truth in that I wasn't meant to go off it but I came clean to him on the phone and now I am going to stick with what Dr M wants me to do. As a thank you I got a card for Andy and a bottle of wine which is a limited edition one. Then I did some cleaning and did the dishes and cooked him dinner. I never cook or buy him things so he was so happy and thankful. He was very happy with the wine as I chose one he said is really good, so that made me feel happy too. I am feeling really happy with all of these things today and I am glad I am not trying to do what I am not meant to do and that I am putting Andy first, he deserves it :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Chosen

I went through my program guide for 2012 study options yesterday and I finally have settled on what I will study next year if I get in. I am going to apply for a Diploma of Libray/Information Systems. I actually have a history with this program. I applied in 1995 and didn't get in. I re-applied in 2003 after I had finished at uni and I got in. I started the program and only lasted two weeks because the lady teaching was a dragon lady [she has now gone thankfully]. So now I am re-applying again. I can't imagine I would have too much trouble getting in, but I am sure going to give it a go. I just want to have a new career and at least this one is not impulsive, since I have been interested in this program since 1995. I really hope I get in!

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Life crisis

I am having a crisis in that I don't know where I am headed anymore. I don't know where I want to work or what type of work I want to do but just know that I don't think I ever want to go back and work in a university. So where does that leave me? Well, with not much. I don't think I want to do any kind of clerical/administration work again at the moment. I then had to ask myself if I want to re-train and work in a different industry and if so what? I don't know. Now is the right time though because if I do want to re-train and I need to study, I have until September 30 to get my application in to QTAC [who look after who gets admitted to which university or TAFE (this is one step down from university and is more hands on rather than theory based)]. I don't want to go back to uni but would rather TAFE.

I got the QTAC handbook yesterday and I did come up with one idea and that is horticulture. I found it in the QTAC guide and it is at the TAFE college is in the next suburb to me, so I rang them for more info. It turns out I can just go directly through the TAFE instead because what I want to do is just up to trade level. I would do Horticulture II and then Horticulture III. I don't need to apply through QTAC and I just gave my expression of interest straight to the TAFE and they will email me in November when the places start to come available for the February start date. In the mean time I have time to do some gardening at home and learning as much as I can to see if it is what I want to do. I would do this over the next few months, so I had time to see if I like it for real.

I have never really been into gardening until recently as we have been growing our own vegetables. I have been very proud of our little veggies as they grow and I think my favourite is our little capsicum plant who has the teeniest little capsicum on it. Very cute. Our tomatoes are taking off and we have five. We have the tiniest little veggie garden because we live in a townhouse and not a house, so we don't have much soil to start with.

Anyway it is all very confusing. I feel very lost. Today I have a meeting with Lucy, who is a psychologist at the hospital I kept getting admitted to last year and earlier this year. I have now been out for over two months, which is awesome. It looks like I will be starting DBT in a few weeks with my current pdoc as the consultant. I have changed teams at Stepping Stone, from Clerical, Administration and Training to the Housing team. Very different but it seems more embracing and I like the team leader there lots. He is awesome.

I've been crapping on, sorry, didn't mean to write this much. I hope you are all coming along okay.

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, August 5, 2011

what's important

I had a quick look back at some of the posts I have done over the past two years and I see how different I am now to how I was in the beginning. Some things have changed for the better and some have not. One enormous thing that has changed is that I am no longer carrying my eating disorder around with me. I feel so blessed that that is now something of the past and I remember the little things, like having to choose lunch if I was out and how hard that was. When I do that now, I do it without thinking of the fat grams and the calories and whatever else I was fixated on at the time. Having this no longer around is just absolutely awesome. Those of you that still suffer from eating disorders, I really do wish you the freedom I have found!

Then I think of my other mental health issues, like the bipolar and the BPD. These things are so out of control for me right now whereas they weren't as bad when I had really bad ED stuff going on. I struggle every day with my confidence, my anxiety and the depression/mania/hypomania. It's become a daily fight to get through each day unscathed as much as possible. I have turned into a bit of a hermit and don't like going out much. I go to Stepping Stone but I don't think I engage the way I should be and really throwing myself in. I got told by Dr M on Wednesday that he doesn't want me to work right now. He thinks if I did that with my confidence the way it is and my mood unstable, that it could do more harm than good and if I have to be honest, I must admit to being relieved. I know I am not ready.

Then there is the lovely little life I have going on at home with Andy, Moo and my new found crafts of knitting and sewing. I am getting less scared of the sewing machine as time goes by. I am making [with my mum's invaluable help] a patchwork cover for my sewing machine. It is so pretty and I can't wait to finish it and post up a photo. I love knitting a little more than sewing, I just get it more I think at this time, but both are early stages. Andy and Moo make me life so worthwhile. I am so so lucky. I must remember the things I am thankful for, especially in those moments when I don't know why I am going on.

Be gentle and kind to yourselves, we all really deserve this self-love!

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

the all clear

I got my results of my CT scan today and the tumour has not grown back at all, yay! I am happy about that. The only thing they noted was that my lymph nodes were enlarged to 15mm and that I would need a follow up check in 2-3 months. My GP said that can happen if I've had an infection and it's not something to worry about at this stage.

I've just been keeping a low profile lately. I've been struggling with my anxiety and depression. I see Dr M tomorrow and I am hoping for some help medication wise. Emma, my psychologist has been really awesome. I saw her yesterday and I am really starting to like her a lot. It was very intense with her, she certainly makes me think about things and asks me to try and be more grounded.

I am missing Dr D a lot at the moment. I am dreaming about her a lot and I keep seeing her [not] everywhere I go. When I think of her I think of a big warm hug and it's compelling. I know that Andy wouldn't let me go back to her and Dr M is best for me in that he keeps me from going to hospital and he knows me so well. He seems to know what to do straight away but I miss her! I just really miss her. 

I hope you are all doing okay in blogshere. I know I have been saying I am sorry I can read at the moment but life outside blogsphere is asking a lot of me at the moment.

Thinking of you all!

*hugs*
Sarah