Sunday, October 30, 2011

Some things I've been doing and where I am

Well I didn't want to write a depressing post about how shitty things can be, because for me right now they are okay, just wish I wasn't on all those restrictions. I miss my midday sleeps :-(  how could anyone take my sleeps away. Oh well, but that's okay. So I took some photos of the mandalas I've been doing and one wonky homework task.

Yes I know the colours clash but that's half the fun

My messy homework task and actually I think that was my first mandala

I'm still doing this one

My desk - usually when I am not colouring, my computer sits in the middle

My bed

And of course, some of the boys :-)

I hope you all have an awesome day and when I can get on proper internet I will start commenting and reading again, so once again, forgive me.

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, October 28, 2011

Happy 1000

 HAPPY 1000

 I have done it, I have reached 1000 posts. Can you believe that. I have some good news too, I am being discharged next friday. Although it seems ages away, at least I know when. All is going well with the abilify and I am starting to come off the lamictal next week. Dr D is putting the dose of abilify up tomorrow. Also Andy is visiting me tomorrow and Dr D will have put me down to Cat 2, which is escourted outings. Better than none at all. She let me go out today on my own to try and get my HTC Desire S phone, which I think is faulty by the way, fixed. It has to be sent away to the technicians and I am not hopeful they will be able to get the same faults that I do. If they do, I will be getting an iPhone 4, which I hope happens, I do not like the HTC phone at all. I guess we'll see what happens. Thanks to all of you who have commented and listened. It has made a real difference to me. When I get home I can start to catch up on you blogs. It's hard in here because I have a pre-paid internet and it uses it pretty fast. Be happy :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, October 27, 2011

slept through the night

I did and I was a bit annoyed that Dr D was right. GRRRRR! My new phone too that I got is faulty, so I have to take it back tomorrow after I get permission from Dr D. She gave me permission today but wouldn't let me go out twice. I found a way around sleeping during the day, go to relaxation where everyone falls asleep HA! I did fall asleep and I snored quietly apparently as the nurse told me later. I'm doing okay today. I just now have to wait for the abilify to kick. I have no idea when I am getting out of here. It sucks! I want to be home with Andy and Moo. I miss them both so much. I am thinking of you all lots and can you believe this is post number 998, so I will have to come up with something really positive for post 1000. Who would have thought that I would have crapped on that much, lol! Be safe!

*hugs*
Sarah

 Ooh yummo, I miss my coffee

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

oh what a disaster

I have been playing around with new email addresses over the last few days due to getting a HTC Desire. I was bad. I already had a phone and it had 9 months on the plan. I got the new one because I wanted it and I was a little high. Dr D was so pissed at me that I am now on cat three for the entire rest of my admission, I have to hand in my phones and my laptop at 8pm every night, I am not allowed to sleep at all during the day, if she catches me in bed she will walk out and won't talk to me for that day. I nearly got put on cat four today for half jokingly saying I wish I could kill her. I was totally joking, I more wanted to kill her rules.

Anyway, I have been back and forward with google trying to reinstate my account and then realised I was trying to reinstate the wrong one. I finally have my blog back. I have been panicking for two days if I had deleted it by deleting the email.

How am I going - shit really. Pissed at the rules. Pissed at my doc and I mean really really pissed. I fucking hate that I have to do everything she says. What if I accidentally fall asleep. Fuck it! I hope you are all well.

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, October 23, 2011

and so it goes

I had a very manic day. I bought a new phone when I already own an iPhone. It still has 9 months on the contract. I wish I could control myself. Night two off of zyprexa had me up four times ! I start abilify tomorrow. I hope that helps.

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, October 22, 2011

getting there

I haven't started the abilify yet and will on Monday when they will also take me off of my lamictal. I got taken off of zyprexa last night and oh my gosh my sleep was shitty. I'm sure I'll get used to it again without it. It's early here, 5:05am. I can't sleep and just thought I'd blog and read blogs, go me!

I am looking forward to seeing Andy and not really looking forward to sitting down and writing all the thing that bother us about each other and the things we want to change but I know we need to do it if we want to keep our marriage and I do love that man with my whole heart.

I am hoping to be able to go out of the hosptial today to get some textas to colour in some mandalas I have here. It will keep my occupied and it would be fun. I have to ask Dr D. Andy was going to bring my big pencil case full of all different unusual colours, my old Stampin' Up markers. I just want something to do today. Maybe I just have to wait another day. I can do that.

Okay, off to read blogs and I will try and comment :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, October 21, 2011

things are looking up

I am still in hospital and the good thing is that Andy and I have temporarily worked things out a bit. He is going to come on Sunday and we are going to write a list of issues we have and some solutions to them. I am really happy about this because then I get to have my say too. Also medication wise, Dr D has finally let me off of lamictal due to cost. I am starting Abilify on Monday and ceasing zyprexa as well. We will see how I go. Just a quick update, hope you are all well and thanks for the support. I am sick of the breaking up with Andy probably just as much as you do hearing it.

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, October 20, 2011

back in hospital again

Since Andy and I broke up the other day, things have taken a downward spiral. I am back in hospital and I have self harmed. I don't know what to do first. I have to find a place to live where I can have Moo. I don't know where to start or how to move forward. I am lost.

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Fuck

Andy and I broke up! It's amicable and we will remain good friends but that's it for good!

Out of hospital is so hard

I thought it be all fine but all I want to do is self harm. I told Andy last night about how I felt his drinking was the same as self harm and he understood what I mean't. I feel so lost today :-(

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, October 16, 2011

I'm back

Tomorrow I go home from a three and a half week hospital admission. I am a little nervous but I think I'll be fine. I am upset that I lost my DBT spot because of how long my admission was, but I am happy I am back on the waiting list and there are only three people ahead of me. One which Lucy doesn't think will take a place [there are two spots], one who has had a long period of hospital admission and they don't know about and one that is only being assessed this week and they don't know. She reckons I will be back in group within a couple of months. I also have my outreach nurse Sue back and I think that will help a lot too. Of course first of all I have Andy and Moo.

I am sitting in the dining room where there is a plug for my laptop. I am so bored this afternoon. There was a lady before that went off her nut and that upset me and I had to have some prn meds to help me but it was amazing, it was my first one for today. When I first came in, I was medicated every two hours. I have come a long way. I hope you are all well and doing okay. I have thought of so many of you often while I've been in hospital. Wish me well packing tomorrow, I have a lot of shit to take home.

I am so terribly behind in blogs, I will try and catch up over the next few days. Thanks for all your support :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, October 13, 2011

headache issues

Last night I had to go to a general hospital to get help with a neck pain headache. My opcipital nerves spasm and it is just awful. I spent two hours there and in the end I bawled my eyes out and left because I couldn't take waiting in a chair that had no neck support. I came back to hospital at 10pm and got my pain meds and went to bed. Plus Andy had been drinking so he went off at me for going to the hospital in the first place and then wanted to talk to the nurse in charge. It sucked. I hate it when he drinks and gets so argumentative. It makes me feel like shit. I have had a day of bed rest and lots of pain meds. I usually have these headaches for four days and this is day three, joy! I just hope I'm wrong.

In other news I am going home on Monday. I am looking forward to this but Andy keeps saying he thinks I should be here, which makes me feel horrible. Like he doesn't want me home or something. I've been here for three weeks today. I am sick of hospital. I hope it all goes well. Thinking of you all. Sorry I haven't been commenting, I just haven't had the heart to at the moment.

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

and she lived

Right now I am still in hospital but there is one person in here with me that has really touched me. Her name is Renae and she is in a wheelchair. It's not that that makes my heart go out to her but why she is in the wheelchair that gets to me. She jumped off of the Story Bridge in my city and she lived. She is very impaired and she has a lot of carers even to make her a coffee. Imagine that, imagine how you would feel if you did that and lived. She is also a nice person. I am making her a fluffy white scarf right now because her neck gets cold and she was also really excited when I told her I was making it for her.

As for me, I am doing okay. I am still feeling a little down but I am now on 75mg of lamictal and it looks like I am going up another dose before I get discharged on Monday [fingers crossed]. Anyway, just a quick post but wanted to tell you I am still alive and kicking and getting better. Be safe my friends :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, October 8, 2011

feeling happy

Today, after days and days of bad thoughts and images, I am finally feeling happy. I think the lamictal is actually starting to work. I had a glimmer of it yesterday but didn't tell the nurses because I didn't want them to think I was fine if I woke up today feeling bad again. Yesterday was not wonderful but it wasn't as bad as things had been. Though I did get a lot of PRN medication, about as much as I have had before when I was feeling bad. Today it's pouring rain outside, so I am going to lay on my bed and watch DVDs. I hope you have a happy day too :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, October 7, 2011

hanging in there

Well I have been in hospital for two weeks now and I know I will be here for at least another week. I am doing okay, I am struggling a lot with the depression and some awful images I get sometimes. I am trying. I know the meds are not working yet. I am now up to 62.5mg of lamictal... a weird dose I know but they are trying to bring it up quick by lowering the amount they are bring it up by. On Monday I will be up to 75mg and my doc wants me to be here until it is up to 100mg.

I got kicked out of DBT because I was in hospital too long, but the good thing is that there are some places in the same group if I get out in the next week or so. I hope I get one of those places. Wish me luck. Other than that, it's just the same old hospital stuff. You eat, sleep and go to group. I hope you are all well. I am not doing to well with reading blogs right now, actually not good at reading anything. But will catch up soon I promise. Thanks too for all your well wishes.

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Still in hospital

I thought I was going home on Monday and alas I am still here. I saw my doc and she put me on a category 4, meaning; in pyjamas, stuff all taken away, not allowed off your unit and if I want to knit it was in front of the nurses desk only. Yesterday was a bad day, I mean really really bad. I don't even want to write it on here in case of triggering, but lets just say I was really suicidal. Today I am just sad and depressed, though I am now on category 3, restricted to the inside of the hospital. I have my stuff back and am feeling more comfortable. My meds are not working yet and yesterday my lamictal got put up to 37.5mg and tomorrow it will be 50mg. I am very happy about this, I feel listened too and not have to wait for weeks and weeks for it to go up again, especially when I have been able to tolerate 250mg. It seems so slow, though I know it's to keep me safe and stop that horrible rash that some people get. Okay, I am off. I am so tired today and I just want to sleep. So I will keep you all updated. I am struggling to concentrate so I am not reading many blogs, so please don't be offended.

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, October 2, 2011

hosptial too long

What a few days it's been. Yesterday was awesome because I was allowed to go home to see Andy and Moo. I was a little anxious at first of going home but then I settled and I felt great but then I had to go. So I got back and decided [in my wisdom] that I was going to wash my pyjamas. Thing is I forgot to put them on fastwash and it was taking ages and ages and I wanted to dry them and I got so so angry that I tore the tab off of my coke can and I scratched all my arms up with it. Then I had to front the nurses and they dressed the wounds but weren't too happy with me. I have been here too long and they know it. It is counter-productive for someone with BPD to be in hospital for more than a short admission. Tomorrow marks eleven days. In all the years and that's 15, I have never self-harmed in hospital. I am not too happy with myself. Dr D is going to kill me. Andy wasn't too happy. HURRY UP MONDAY!!!!!!!

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, October 1, 2011

scared

I had a very traumatic homecoming for day leave and spent the morning on the ward crying and upset. I think I've been in hospital too long and it's time to leave. Thank god for monday discharge day. I am home at the moment with Moo sleeping on her spot where she sleeps when I'm here just near me and Andy in his study tapping away at his computer. I cried when I saw Andy and had trouble for about half an hour before I finally settled and am happy to be here. I think after a while I start to get institutionalised and it's so hard to get out but I know it's what I need. I need my routine back and to have my normal life back. I can't wait for that. I can only stay here until just after lunch and then I have to be back at the hospital. It kind of sucks really. It would have been nice to have been home properly right now. I do want to see Dr D though, so thems the breaks. Oh well, not long now. I bought some movies from home to watch over the boring weekend. I hope it goes okay!

*hugs*
Sarah