Tuesday, January 31, 2012

My new beanie

Here is a pic of the beanie I made the other day. I really like it, it fits well and the pattern was easy. What more could a girl ask for :)






I am feeling much more positive at the moment after a good chat with my outpatients nurse yesterday and she assured me that they aren't going to dump me just because I am doing better than last year and that in fact I still have a ways to go. I was worried that they wouldn't be around when I was looking for work because I really need support during that time. Me just being paranoid [again]. Hope you are all doing okay... be gentle with yourselves :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, January 29, 2012

not sure

I'm not really sure how I feel today. All I want to do is just sleep but I am trying to push through it. It's hard though, like quick sand, will it pull you in? I managed to get off my lazy butt and take the washing that was hanging up in the garage down and put up a new lot. It's been raining non-stop for days and everything is slightly damp, YUCK! I hate rain. It's not helping with my mood, let me tell you. Anyways, I am getting by, no more self harm, though it's in my thoughts a lot. I will just keep on plodding on.

A quick five positives
1. Andy and Moo
2. Crochet
3. DVD TV series sets to watch
4. Warm snugly sleeps
5. Tea

That was hard but at least I managed, barely, five. What is something that is positive for you?

Sometimes it feels like half the world is in black and white and half is in colour :-/

Be safe guys and like I need to tell myself, be kind to yourselves.

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, January 28, 2012

more positive today

Today Andy and I bought the board game Scattegories and we have had so much fun playing it. It really distracted me away from my negative thoughts. I am really trying but I do feel backed into a corner sometimes when people tell me how good I am going and expect me to maintain that all the time. It's not possible. It stresses me out instead. I am dreading seeing my nurse Sue on Monday and I am dreading seeing Dr D on Tuesday, as well as dreading group on Tuesday because all of them will learn I have self harmed and they aren't going to be happy. The group though will be supportive but I think of Lucy and what she will say on Thursday when we have our one on one session. Joy [not]! I guess I need to just take each day at a time. One moment if I need to. Play Scattegories and crochet. Any distraction possible is a good one. Might watch Dexter later or Medium.Will see how I feel. Hope you are all going well :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, January 27, 2012

Self harm

The problem with self harm is that when you do it once, you want to do it again! I wish I could stop it all together but I've been doing it for 20 years, how do you just switch that off? I have no idea. I do wish however that I hadn't done it because that one more day you delay, is that one more day that makes you stronger. Be safe!

*hugs*
Sarah

Awards

Thank you so much bpdisme at http://bpdisme2.wordpress.com/2012/01/25/awards/ has nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award as well as the Tell Me About Yourself Award.  So a huge thanks to bpdisme! Go check out her blog and see who she nominated, you might find some awesome reads there.

Like bpdisme, I have combined both awards in this one post. Each award requires the nominee to thank the blogger who nominated them.  The Versatile Blogger Award requires the nominee to nominate 15 other blogs and the Tell Me About Yourself Award requires 7 nominations.  In addition, the Tell Me About Yourself Award requires the recipient to share 7 random things about themselves.

7 Random Things About Me:

1. I have a rare medical condition that means I am missing 5 1/2 bones in my neck, I was born with this and I am just a little different but more of the time it doesn't bother me ;-)


2. Andy calls me Splinkey. This was a random thing that happened when we were both calling each other Spunky and he said I needed a nickname. I have no idea where that came from, he he


3. I hate rain. I get all antsy and pissed off when I have to go somewhere and it's raining. I think I was a cat in a previous life (it's raining as we speak, joy oh joy)

4. I love Tori Amos, she is my favourite singer of all time and have loved her since 1993 when I heard her first album. I have every album she has put out, even the huge special addition one that has a big case that looks like a piano

5. I love butterflies and lady bugs. I love photographing the lady bugs and the butterflies are always too quick for me or I don't have my camera at that moment.

6. My favourite colour is purple, though I also like purple and pink

7. I cannot recall the last time I read a book completely. I pick them up and put them down and never finish them. I have about 20 half read books.

Nominations:

I know this is a cop out, but I don't want to single anyone out or make anyone feel more special over others, so you are all nominated. I'd love to see who you nominate. Have a go, don't be a chicken like me!

my bad

So I am ashamed to report to you all that I did in fact self harm in the end. I feel really awfully guilty about it, especially when I fight so hard for others not to do it. It was like the pressure cooker just burst and I lost control for a few minutes. Lucky it's not a bad one, not even close, not that that matters. I feel like I've let everyone down and now I have to face group members from DBT, Lucy, my psychologist, Dr D and Sue, my outreach nurse. So do I feel better, no, not about the self harm or the feeling of it, but my meds have now kicked back in and my mood is now stable.

I do have one idea and that is to make a verbal contract with someone in my team to say I won't do it, that is what I used to do. What got me through on Tuesday when I was going to do it was an email from my doc when I told her I didn't self harm on Tuesday even though I bought a knife on the way to group. She said:

"I am glad. It is always easy for us to think and want to take an “apparent easy way”  which is often a longer route.
I am very proud of you for thinking through things and utilising groups successfully
Take care"

Now this makes me feel awful because she was proud of me and now she will be unhappy :(  I really like my doc and I don't want her to be upset but I guess there are consequences for me with self harm with everyone around me, especially Andy. I also want to apologise to all of you about my self harm, because I feel responsible for what I am writing. I am not going to lie to you all and say I didn't do it, but by doing it, I do let you all down too.

Oh well, it's done, I can't change it, I have to accept it and move on. Yes, I had a slip, but it wasn't a lapse and it certainly wasn't a relapse, as Lucy would say.

Be safe guys!

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, January 26, 2012

going okayish

I still have not self harmed. I am fighting what I feel like sometimes is a losing battle. That somehow it will get me anyway in the end. The thoughts are so strong, funny though that I don't feel sad, just obsessed with the thought. When I was in my twenties I was a chronic self harmer. I still did it on the odd occasion when I just hit thirty but stopped when I met Andy because I didn't want him to see that. But now that he has, I feel like it doesn't matter anymore if I do or don't. I shouldn't think that way because every action has consequences. I know this! But why doesn't that help me?

On a more positive note I am up to the straps on my bag and had another lesson yesterday. See these are the things I need to focus on, not the other crap, it's just that it's hard and tiring. Anyway, my bag is getting there. A few minor glitches but getting there. I will post a pic when I am more along because I had to take some of it back as I had made a mistake. Hope you are all doing okay. Be safe (I will try to too).

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

crisis averted

Yesterday was hell. Not only because of not only because I accidentally took yesterday nights meds in the morning and ended up firstly a bit manic but then really depressed. But also because I had the desperate need to self harm. On the way to group yesterday I bought a craft knife with every intention of using it, but when I got to the clinic, I asked where I could hand in sharps. One of my friends who is an inpatient came with me while I handed it in to the nurses on unit one. Rachel, the nurse who took it from me said she would let Lucy my therapist know and she suggested I take some prn medication. I took 100mg of seroquel and went and spent time with my group members before group started. I also spoke to the intake coordinator about coming into hospital and he put me on his list.

I went to group and they usually go around the room clockwise and that would have made me go second but luckily we went round the other way, so I didn't have to speak until after lunch and that also made me nervous. After lunch though I was more alert because the seroquel had worn off and I was also feeling a little better. I told them everything barring specific details and afterwards I felt better even more. I had also emailed my doc in the morning, which I had regretted and Lucy suggested I re-email her, because I was upset about it to apologise and I was nervous to get home so I could do that. I also asked Lucy how to get off of Mick's list and she said that she would tell him. She looked really happy when I said that too. It was a hard day.

When I got home, I emailed my doc and felt much better. Had a massive headache from withdrawals of serqouel-xr because I realised I also hadn't put it in my am/pm med container when I go it on Sunday, so I hadn't had it since Sunday. I am feeling so much better today. Only a slight headache. So I can say, crisis averted. I am really proud of myself for making it through.

I am meant to have a crocheting lesson today and I really want to go but it's pouring rain, like really hard. I hope it lessens a bit by 3pm.

Thanks for sticking with me if you did :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

oops

Well, interesting night last night. I found out that yesterday morning I accidentally took my night meds. Which then meant that I didn't take my night meds because I didn't want to double up. So already manic, guess who is more manic today. Oops. I hope that I can get through the day unscathed. I'm really abscent minded with it too (well more than normal anyway). I can't concentrate and I'm shaking. Probably the withdrawals. Hope this gets fixed soon.

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, January 23, 2012

Back to struggling

That lithium decrease really messed me around. I have been all over the place, one day depressed, two days manic, another day depressed today. I have a sneaking suspicion I am going to get a medication increase today with the only one that costs the most. I know it works but jeez, when will the merry-go-round stop. I thought it would stop as soon as I started to take the lithium again but it hasn't. What a change from just anxiety, to mood instability and anxiety, ugh. I see my doc at 1:30pm. Hope it all goes okay! Sorry for the downer post :-/

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, January 22, 2012

feeling better

Today I am feeling so much more stable than yesterday. Not high and not low. I am just tired today. Some of you may know that I am crocheting a multi-coloured bag at the moment. I am really loving making this bag and so this morning I decided that I would make another one just to keep in practice, though in a plain colour and something neutral.

I decided to make a beige coloured one and I hope it comes out just as good as the one I am concurrently making. I will only be able to get as far as what I have learnt but I think that if I can get up to the same as the multi-coloured one, I will be fine to make the strap for both of them when I have my lesson on Wednesday afternoon, which I am very excited about. As you can see my beige one is a baby compared to the first one, but I was really tired and ended up falling asleep just after the first round. I will let you know how I go.

Five positives for today
1. I feel more stable
2. I think the lithium has caught up with me, yay
3. I love the creativity I have had lately, I LOVE crochet!
4. Moo slept with us last night and apparently sat on my chest a few times but I have no recollection of this and I think it's hilarious
5. I am me and that is okay :)

I am a bit behind in blogs because I have been struggling but now I am feeling a bit better I will try and catch up!

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, January 21, 2012

struggling

This morning I posted about a win with fighting an overwhelming urge to spend spend spend. Well today has been the same and this is how it starts for me when I am getting manic. I am though a bit all over the place. I feel a little down after taking my extra meds to keep me from going too high. I really love 'manic' but I hate dealing with it and trying to get it under control. The urge to buy things and spend is so strong right now that I am finding it hard to control and have to resort to extra meds to stop the feelings. I really really hope that my doc doesn't put me in hospital to get my meds fixed up.

I want to fix this out of hospital at home. I was hoping that this stuff wouldn't happen this year. That I was strong enough and stable enough in my moods to stop it. My mood had been so stable for so long, that I was so proud of myself. So I am not too happy with it being everywhere right now. I just want to be okay. I hate these overwhelming feelings. I guess I wait until Monday when I see Dr D.

*hugs*
Sarah

Awesome win

I have an awesome win to tell you all about. My doc reduced my lithium (think I told you that) to see if my hands would stop shaking. Turns out that they still shook even without the decreased lithium, so it's anxiety. The big big problem was that my mood has destablised. I got really depressed Thursday (include the constant anxiety) and as I mentioned in my last post, I had to crochet through group to get me through, thankfully Lucy and Luca were okay with that.

Anyway, today I woke up with the otherside of the spectrum, still anxiety but high. I ended up in a mobile phone shop looking to buy an iPhone. I walked out. I delayed. I made myself go get lunch and something nice that I'd enjoy. I had a pumpkin, pine nuts and baby spinach with cheese toasted turkish bread sandwich. Yummo! I also took 50mg of seroquel.

Then since I was close enough to the train station, I went to the train station. The urge passed. I decided to give myself a reward for being able to stop the urge and that was to buy (yes I know, you don't need to say it, I said buy), a special crochet hook. It is really nice to use and I wanted one for making my blanket, since that is going to take a long time to crochet. I then bought Andy a bottle of wine for riding the wave of bipolar with me and not running away. I spent $11 on both, so instead of an over $1000 out of pocket, I am only $22 out of pocket and I could afford it before I did it. I still have money left. Proud of me because that was hard.

Now I have to get through the day today because I am still high. I will have to use every DBT skill I can think of to get through it. Don't forget and this is me included, be gentle with yourselves.

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, January 20, 2012

Not a lot to say today

The only thing I have/had happen was a reduction in lithium, which caused my mood to drop straight away. It only got dropped because of my shaking hands but they shook anyway still. I haven't been able to get a hold of Dr D, so I did a naughty and started taking it again. I'm pretty sure she'd say the same thing. I was in group yesterday and it was awful. I was sooooo anxious had cried in front of Lucy, my therapist, before group and she said it was okay for me to crochet in group if it helped me keep calm. So I tried it and it did for a bit until I ran out of how to do some parts of it. My group member M helped me at lunch to figure out what I needed to do. So here's a pic of my bag so far.


I hope you are all travelling okay

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

eventful

 It's been an eventful few days. I just got rid of one anxiety situation to only be put in another. Some of you guys may know that I go to Stepping Stone sometimes during the week and it's to help me and other people that suffer from mental illness, get back to work. What you don't know is that last year, my chosen staff member told me that I was lazy, full stop! I hadn't realised until a few days ago how much that had affected me.

So I rang and spoke to a lovely lady that I really trust and she is going to talk to this person for me and she said that if this person knew that it had affected me so much, she would be horrified. In saying all that, I will change sections again from Housing and back to CAT (Clerical, Administration and Training). It hurts to think someone, a mental health professional, would call me lazy to my face, when the problem she was talking about was actually attributed to anxiety. I get the flight/fight response all the time, when there is clearly no danger.

DBT was good yesterday. My therapist is starting to recognise my anxiety responses just buy looking at me. We all do a round at the end to see how we all found the day and when it came to me I said it was anxiety provoking and I had the shakes again, Lucy asked if I had had anxiety earlier and I said yes and she said she had noticed it really easily, so much for flying under the radar :-P  Lucy also announced that we have a new person starting next week. I just smiled and she said "you know who it is don't you", I nodded and she said "how to do find out these things". I have pretty much found out every new person that has come into the group before it was announced except for two people and drives Lucy mad (in a good way) he he!

I saw Dr D yesterday too and that was good, she is just awesome. She has reduced my lithium in case it is that that is causing my shaking. We'll see, though I must admit to some anxiety (surprise surprise) about that making me unwell.

My mum was also taken to hospital with what she said were classic heart attack symptoms and after a number of tests they found out the chest pain was due to fluid in her lungs. So I am glad she is okay now. She had a halter monitor put on her heart yesterday to monitor her low heart rate, so we'll see how that goes.

Other than all those things (I think that's enough), have been okay. Welcome to new readers, please feel free to comment and thanks for stopping by :-)

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, January 16, 2012

Boring day

All I have done today is crochet. That's it! I feel so lazy today. I guess you do get days like that where you don't do much. It's spreading though because Andy has had a similar day. My mum has been taken to emergency too, where she is getting checked out for her heart problems she has been having lately. I'm a bit worried because I haven't heard for about four hours now how she is going. I hope she is okay. It scared me a bit having mum go to hospital because she is so typically anti-hospital, even when she is really sick, so for her to go means that it was really serious. I just found out that she has just been discharged, so hopefully things went okay. I still haven't spoken to her since lunch time and it's now 5:15pm. I'm just going to give up on today and start fresh tomorrow. You can't win all the time but you can endure and that's what I'll do.

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, January 15, 2012

The blog will stay

Okay, so after my last post, it seems that you would like the blog to stay and so it will. I am glad that you feel that way because I really didn't want to delete it or anything, just didn't know how much people were actually reading since there are not that many posts these days. I remember when it would take me over an hour to get through posts and now that's not the case. Oh well, I'm glad you are all still here :)

*hugs*
Sarah

multi-coloured

Yesterday afternoon I started to think to myself, how do you change colours in granny squares and I found the answer in a very good You Tube video. Yeah, You Tube really does rock! Anyway, I watched the video and had a go and then went away and had another go but needed to watch the video one more time and now I think I've got it.

I am really proud of this

There's nothing else to report really (isn't that awesome). I have finished five plain white granny squares and five plain blue and this will all make a blanket for Andy's and my bed. 

I do have one question for you. I've noticed lately that there aren't many people posting, I don't know why but I suspect that it's because they use facebook more. Would you rather this blog stays as this blog, or would you prefer something like a secret facebook group or both either? Just a thought I thought I'd throw out there. Be kind to yourselves!

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Positives for Saturday :)

I am so tired today, probably all the emotion that I used during the time before I was in hospital and the time in hospital and now after coming home. You just don't realise how much you use when you are in a state of constant anxiety or panic, it's huge. So I thought I'd focus on my positives today rather than the negative stuff. 

Success Stories:
I worked out why I was anxious in hospital and was able to stop the anxiety
I only stayed in hospital for two days
I have now paid my 'excess' for 2012, so if I need to go in again, I won't have to pay anything

Gratitude's/Things that make me happy:
Andy and Moo
Crocheting
Having a real life crochet teacher that I really like and click with and having an appointment next Wednesday to learn the next step for my multi-coloured bag

Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I don't have to be perfect all the time
It's okay to go to hospital when it's absolutely need it
It's okay to open up to people because together you can come up with solutions to the problems you may be experiencing


I am also very excited to say that I am making a big darker than cornflower blue and a white granny square blanket. I have done only nine squares so far, but hey, who's counting anyway ;)


Be well and safe and happy!


*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, January 12, 2012

a genius idea

This morning I ran into my psychologist and I said I just really don't know why I am anxious, I can't figure it out. I have had xmas and new year over and now it's still there. I don't understand it. Lucy looked at me and said, I think I might have a few ideas. Lucy thinks that because I said 'no more admissions at all this year' that my mind has said well there is no room for error or hospital support if I really need it. She said that when I said that in group she was concerned but thought she might see how I responded. Well I responded with huge physiological signs on anxiety, shaking, heart beating fast, sweaty palms, racing thoughts etc.

I remember now that when I gave Andy and I the money to use from my excess ($250) which is what I pay the hospital if I have to be admitted. I thought I needed it for outpatients as well but I didn't, so we spent it. I felt uncomfortable at the time, now that I think of it, spending it. I remember at one time saying to Andy, it kinda freaks me out that I am spending the money and he still had $94 but I said spend it anyway. Funny how life ends up.

I see the doc who is covering for my doc who is away, so I am waiting to see her. Will let you know what is happening then, but I would like to leave on Monday if they will let me. Just enough to settle!

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Back to hospital

I am back to hospital today for a short admission because of the anxiety, now depression and feelings of wanting to self harm. I feel so bad about leaving Andy. I love him so much and I know how much he suffers when I am not here. Hopefully will be back home sometime next week. I will be able to post though because my hospital allows laptops and mobile phones. Will let you all know how I am going later. Bugger I am going to miss out on my crochet lesson today :-(

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Oh anxiety, go away please!

I have had such awful anxiety lately. The night before last when I was trying to go to sleep, I was convinced the oven was on and the house was going to burn down. I pictured the whole thing in my mind and the attack lasted for two hours. In the end I zonked myself out on valium. The last night (it was so hot in Brisbane) and I felt like the heat was too hot and I couldn't breathe. Hello valium again. I have had them during the day too.

Last thursday had one huge panic attack in group and had to have a nurse called down from one of the wards to take my observations. Then today, I freaked out in group twice, both quite silently but the group were aware of it, everyone was kinda keeping an eye on me. So I see my doc this afternoon and she has requested a whole heap of bloods, which I have to do tomorrow and she has increased my lamictal. We both know that the lamictal works really well for me and I am on a low dose right now, was 200mg, now 50mg going to 100mg. I actually stopped taking it when I got really unwell late last year. I think the thing that sucks is that I get the anxiety both when I am out and when I am at home.

One good thing, I am having another lesson on my crochet for the next part of doing my bag. That is tomorrow so I am looking forward to that at least.

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, January 8, 2012

what's up!

So today has been really hot and humid here in Brisbane but that didn't stop Andy from his huge clean out of clothes and shoes and stuff that we have just collected over time that we don't need. For me it was having to part with five bags of clothes since I no longer fit into my skinny clothes thanks to putting on 11kg over the last year. I had sizes ranging from Australian size 8 to 12 that needed to be thrown into the bags for Lifeline to collect, along with so much stuff it's not funny. It was really hard saying goodbye to my skinnies for good but it was also good because it meant I have finally accepted myself at my size.

This was just my stuff

In any case it was a productive day. This morning I taught myself to do granny squares and since I was worried I wouldn't remember the instructions, I typed out the pattern so I wouldn't forget. I also did the most I can do on my bag I am making, having now reached the end of round 9.

This is my first granny square

This is the end of round 9

I have done more on my first granny square and have actually finished it and have started the next one. I definitely find crochet is much easier not only to do but easier on my back too because I don't sit so stiffly. I hope tomorrow brings more inspiration and a cooler day with it.

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, January 7, 2012

the crochet lesson

The crochet lesson was awesome! I chose a very good day to go and have the lesson because my very favourite, expensive yarn, that I always drool over and the lesson was 25% off because they were having a sale. So instead of the lesson and five balls of Noro yarn for $90 something, it came to $67. The other awesome thing was that Gabrielle created the pattern to the bag that I really wanted to make and saw in a magazine last week and when I realised it was her, I squealed with excitement because I knew she would be the perfect teacher.

The only drawback is that there were a fair few people in and out of the shop, so Gabrielle would show me something and sit and do that while she served customers. Her shop was meant to shut at 2pm but people kept on showing up and there's no way you'd say no to business and I didn't mind. Anyway, here are some pics.

The gorgeous yarn

The ball of yarn I'm currently using, there is turquoise inside, pretty :)

Where I was up to yesterday afternoon
After 2 and a bit rounds

Last night after the half started round above
after three rounds

I know this is probably totally boring for you guys but I'm just excited because it's easier than knitting, not that I'll give up knitting anytime soon :)

I also wanted to say a huge welcome to new readers, thanks for stopping by, I really appreciate it. 

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, January 5, 2012

panic attack

A few weeks ago I found out that my mum, who is 54, may need to get a pacemaker because her heart rate is dropping sometimes to 30 beats a minute and is pretty irregular. My grandmother also needed a pacemaker because of the same reason. I on the other hand have a very fast heart beat. I just took my pulse having been resting for the last 20 minutes and it's 94 beats a minute. Once, about two years ago, I went to the Emergency Department for chest pain and they kept asking me if my heart was racing and I kept saying no. In the end I turned around and my heart rate was 120 beats a minute. When I move around sometimes I get very out of breath, even when I am not exercising, this is like walking from my bedroom to the bathroom and I am not overweight. So I went to my GP yesterday and he told me he wants me to get a holter monitor to do a check on my heart rate for 24 hours, which is happening next Tuesday.

Anyway, I was in DBT today and I had told Lucy, my psychologist about it beforehand and then told the rest of the group when we all met up. We were talking about something else and all of a sudden I noticed my breathing was really loud, so then my heart starts to race and I try and control it and I can't. In the end Lucy noticed and asked me if I was okay and I said that I was really out of breath and very dizzy. They asked me if I wanted to sit outside and I said, I'm not sure I can stand up. Lucy went up to one of the wards and got one of the nurses to come down and do my blood pressure and obs. They took me outside and Rachel, the nurse, said to me, I think you're having a panic attack. So Lucy and Luca let me sit outside the room and knit for a bit and drink a cup of water. After a while I was okay but I guess I am just really nervous about the monitor. I've already had open heart surgery when I was 19 for a tumour that was in my chest and I am scared of further surgery. I guess it's better to know than to not know.

I hate public panic attacks. At least I had the guts to face everyone and have lunch with them and then go back to group. Oh the joys!

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

a line in the sand

Yesterday was interesting [in a good way]. I went to DBT and at reception I went to pay my yearly insurance excess, which is normally $250. I think if I remember rightly I told you all about my money tin where I put in loose change and small notes, once $50, to make up the amount myself so Andy didn't have to pay it and I did it in three months, which was really hard for me. Anyway, the receptionist took my money and then went to process it and couldn't, so she asked another receptionist who said "MBF don't ask for a excess unless you are hospitalised" and the receptionist handed me my money back.

I was stunned and shocked and amazed. I rang Andy and told him [every time I try and type Moo puts her head under my hand to make me pat her, lol], Andy was like, what are you going to do with the money and I said to him, since it was just spending money of mine, I say we split it and do whatever is fun with it. With part of mine I am going to get crocheting lessons starting Friday, this is at my local knitting and crocheting shop. Gabrielle is actually even helping me after the shop shuts so we don't get interrupted. I am so excited.

The other thing about spending the money, is that I am drawing a line in the sand and saying "I am not going to need this money as I am not going to be hospitalised this year". I told Andy when I handed him his half, that it was symbolic of that and he seemed really pleased. I didn't even have any moment of yuckiness like I normally would.



I am so proud of myself. I am making such a strong, super effort and as of today have been out of hospital for two months. YAY, go me. I saw my doc yesterday wandering around the hospital while our group were having lunch and she leaned out the door and said happy new year and I smiled and said it back. I like her so much :)  Anyhow, I am happy, Andy is happy and Moo is happy, so that's what's most important to me. DBT went well, though it was very exhausting. We got a new member of our group yesterday and she seems lovely. This makes me extra happy :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, January 2, 2012

back to normal

Tomorrow is the first day back at DBT. I am looking forward to it and looking forward to learning more skills to make sure I can manage out of hospital. I don't want any admissions to hospital this and I am going to work my arse off to make sure that happens. Andy said he is just concerned more with me doing DBT and staying out of hospital and if I can do that, he will be very happy. We will worry about what I do after that when the time is right. I am going to make the most of my experiences this year and remember that I need to put, besides myself, Andy, number one in my life always. I want to make this year so much better for both of us. I'm pumped :)

*hugs*
Sarah

I love this photo... poor Moo looks so shocked ha ha
This was the Moo Christmas photo for 2011

This was 2010, her first Christmas... she just loves her photos ;)

Sunday, January 1, 2012

squeaky clean

I've just realised that today, the new year, I am squeaky clean. I can put 2011 behind me with all its yuck and icky stuff that happened and I am excited that I am squeaky clean because that means I have a clean slate to work with. A new beginning perhaps and I am taking the bull by the horns and I will take it as far as I can. This year, 2012, I am going to try very hard to make sure I don't make last year's mistakes again. I don't want to hurt people like I did last year, especially Andy. He is such an awesome man and has a beautiful gentle heart and I love him for that.



Today is Andy's mum's side of the family BBQ. It is usually bedlam and crazy but fun. I am a little scared because since going there the last time I have put on 7kg. Now that might not sound bad but last year I held onto my eating disorder so strongly and I was pretty thin, now I'm more just over average but it's just the ED part of my brain talking. I wish it would stop. It does it every time I meet someone that I haven't seen in a while. It happened when I met Carmen and that went fine. She didn't care. I guess really what does it matter in the grand scheme of things, I am happy and healthy. Who cares? Probably no one, just my brain has these little hiccups. The other thing about today is that I will probably be the thinnest in the room. They are all so big so I probably am stupid to worry anyway. Yes, Sarah you are ;)

I hope those of you over the sea have a good new years and for those of us this side of the sea, I hope your headache's aren't too bad from partying last night :)  Hope you all have a good day/night.

*hugs*
Sarah