Monday, February 27, 2012

getting through

I am okay but am feeling very lost at the moment. I don't know what to do with myself as I am struggling to crochet and that really bothers me. It means that I have no creative outlet with which I can use to distract myself when I am not feeling too good. I do have a lesson on Wednesday and I am hoping that it picks up then. At least it's good that I am missing it, it means I haven't burnt out completely. I think it's just that I have done it so much for the last two months, that I am at a point where I don't know enough of it to move forward and I am getting stuck.

The good thing is that I am doing okay. I don't feel high or low, just normal. I must admit to not liking normal, I miss manic but I know how destructive manic can be. I'm not even going to go there! I am going to push past all this and just do DBT and be normal for once. I can do this and I will. I am not going to let myself fall into misery. One moment at a time, one breath at a time. I will push through because I can!

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, February 24, 2012

10 random photos, something positive

I haven't done my 10 random photos for so long, I can't remember when I did it last. So here are some 10 random things that make me happy.

The Boys, they are now 10 as of today, my little plush friends

Aldo, my newest plush friend as of today. We found him at the hospital I went to for my pain appointment

This is the book I am reading at the moment and it is awesome. I have bought it off of eBay and am just waiting for it to get here. This copy I got from the library in the mean time

Suggested by my friend Michelle, to use the balloons to work out the head circumference when I am making beanies and hats

My new journal that Dr D has me writing down my mood changes in

On of my models. This is going to be for newborn clothes and to photograph the items on the baby and he's cute too :)

My bin that is full of yarn. I LOVE yarn!!!!! Can you tell ;)

My new Birkenstock shoes, love, love, love

A pile of hats and beanies that I have made

She's so funny... more of gorgeous Moo, how could I resist :)

So there you have it. Some things that are happening in my life that aren't bad or awful but that actually make me smile. Now I am off to read more of my crochet book. Think good thoughts!

*hugs*
Sarah

DBT yesterday

Lately I have been have preoccupied thoughts of death, of being dead of others being dead and of suicide. Not in the way that I want to do it but just constant lingering thoughts of it which is really disturbing for me. Yesterday during group at the beginning I was fine but then before lunch they did this mindfulness exercise and bam I am in my death thoughts, I tried to stop it but I couldn't and I tried to refocus on my breathing but kept failing. Then when it was over I was really dissociated.

We all went for lunch and I was sitting there with my group and on of my group mates asked if I was okay and I said not really. She asked if there was anything they could do and then much to my horror I burst into tears. I have never cried in front of my group before, so it was really hard but it grounded me a bit and I was able to switch in to what they were talking about although I didn't contribute.

When we went back into group we started another exercise and I told Lucy and Luca what I was feeling. Then another group mate pipes up, "Sarah, I noticed there were tears in your eyes, are you okay?" I just said it had made me really upset. In a way afterwards I realised that crying in front of my group was letting myself trust them completely, so in a way it was a really good thing even though it didn't feel like that at the time.

Today I feel okay but it's only 5:34am. I have a pain clinic appointment today and then to the library to get a book on crochet and then home. I do however have a funny photo for you guys. It is of Andy and Moo.

Moo thinks this is a perfectly normal place to lay

Hope all of you a travelling along okay. I am glad I am finally back again, those few weeks of minimal posting were hard. Be safe!

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Positives and looking forward

Success Stories:
I crocheted more beanies and am starting a baby cosy/cacoon in a light/medium purple
I have made it through some very tough weeks and I'm still here alive and kicking
I am being more honest with Andy and telling him the yucky feelings as well as the good so there are no surprises, like my last hospital admission which was a big surprise to him
I sold another four zines, yay, so thank you to my buyer :)

Gratitude's/Things that make me happy:
My health
Andy and Moo
Crochet and knitting
Being alive


Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to struggle because out of our struggles we can see where we were when things were worse and therefore you can see how far you've come, even if it's hard to do

Picture of the day

 the pic of my little girls beanie
click on it to make it bigger

I am really proud of myself for keeping on making stuff because it really helps me to function when I feel like I'm not, even though I am doing better than I think I am. If that makes sense. Sue, my outreach nurse, told me yesterday that I don't give myself enough credit for coming as far as I have done and it wasn't until I looked at that photo in my last post that I realised that I have come far but I just have a way to go. I realise I'm only a third there but at least it's a third rather than back to last year. 

Thank you to those of you who have left comments recently, I really do appreciate all of them. Also welcome to those of you who are new to my blog, I hope you like it here :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Radical acceptance

I have had a really rough time lately and feel like everyone is trying to pull me down. Last week on Thursday I had my one on one with my DBT psychologist Lucy and what she said really upset me. See I had a plan and the plan was to finish DBT at the end of April and then go to Stepping Stone for three months to build up my job capacity and then go back to work part time. I told this to Lucy and she said uh uh, you are not ready for that, you need to be in DBT for another six to twelve months. You can't work because you still go to hospital, your mood is not stable and you can't work with that. I was kind of shocked and at the end of the day I told Andy he seemed okay with it.

Then on Monday I saw Dr D and she said to me the same thing, that I have to be seeing her only monthly, I have to have no hospital admissions and my mood needs to be stable and then only working part time. It felt like a kick in the stomach. When I left her office I said to Andy that Dr D had said the same thing as Lucy but not DBT specific, just in general. Then to top it all off I get an email advertising a job that I would kill for at my old uni I studied at, in the school of humanities where I studied with the contact person being someone I know really well from my undergraduate and postgraduate studies. I couldn't belive it and it was part time. I forced myself to delete the email. It was really really bloody hard to do though.

I realised I have to start listening. I have to start paying attention to what people are telling me because they are all saying the same thing. They are saying this at Stepping Stone and now DBT and my doc and I'm sure Sue will say the same thing today when I see her. It's just really dissappointing. I really wanted to help Andy but he said I help him when I stay well. So far only 6 days in hospital so far and that is a so so so much better than last year at this point. I found a photo of myself that was taken on febrauary 25th last year. Here, have a look at this and tell me I don't look lost and hauted.


I stared at this photo for so long, I just kept thinking oh my gosh, I look so unwell. There is nothing in the eyes and it makes me realise I have come a long way. I no piercings (except my ears and they are minimal) and my hair is more of a natural colour. Not that I don't like piercings and red hair but I only look like this when I am really unwell. This is my red flag. I missed it last year.

So I guess I have to suck it up and get on with it. Just start to move forward. Dr D said hospital is okay if I am really unsafe or if I have fought and fought and I am so tired of fighting that I might give up. I'll you one thing though, crochet has been the only thing, besides Andy and Moo, that are getting me though right now. I struggle so much with forcing myself to not look for work. 

It's really hard because I am so motivitated to help Andy financially but then my Dr D said "how many times do you see me taking a sick day" and I said never, she said "how many days do you see Lucy having a sick day" and i said almost never and then she said "how many days did you take sick days" and I said all the time and she said there is my point, you cannot work if you are going to do that because it's not fair. I was taking sick days because I couldn't handle work in my old job.

So there you have it, this is what I have been struggling with over the last few weeks. It's been really hard to cope with and my mood has been up and down. That mess up with my meds a month ago really fucked up everything because I was so stable before that. Now I'm not again :(

If you got this far thank you. I hope you are all well out there is blogland. Just remember and I will try to as well, be gentle with yourselves.

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Letting you know

Just letting you know I'm still here. I can't really put into words what I am thinking and what has been going on but don't worry, no self harm or anything like that, just plain ran out of words. I find at the moment it's easier to crochet than to blog and that is keeping me sane. Thanks to middle child for letting me know that some of you are still reading. I will try and write as soon as I can and before you know it I will be writing a paragraph, oops, already did. Keep safe guys and be gentle with yourselves.

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, February 19, 2012

New beanie

I just thought I'd show you guys what I have been doing lately. I haven't been able to concentrate on much but I have done this new beanie.


I only have to do the edging and then it's done. This looks hard but is super easy when you've done a round of it.

Sorry I have been absent so much lately. Probably the most I've been absent since I started this blog. I am just so emotionally exhausted that I don't often have the energy to post, though I do think of you guys a lot! I hope you are well and most of all be safe and have fun!

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, February 17, 2012

Stuck

There is so much in my head right now, I have no idea how to say it. I'll try. I told Lucy my plan yesterday for the next few months and it was basically that I was going to finish DBT in April and then go to Stepping Stone for three days a week for four hours so that I can show that I can do a TE (transitional employment), which is completely supported by the staff members that look after that job. It's a pretty awesome system. The TE is paid employment, so after that I would do an SE (supported employment), where you find the job but you still support when you need it.

Anyway, Lucy looks at me and she said "Sarah, you need to be in DBT for 6 to 12 months more. You are not capable of doing work right now or even in a few months". I just started to cry. She also said I need to have no hospital admissions and have a stable mood, which is not happening. Yesterday I was feeling really depressed. God I miss my mania. My doc must have just caught it early enough to stop it escalating. I really dreaded coming home and telling Andy, as the original plan was what we both came up with. I told him and I cried and he was really good, but I wonder if it's really okay or just what he is saying to make me feel better. I told him if he wanted to leave me I would understand.

So anyway, feeling pretty crappy right now. Three good things though, today I am seeing my old friend Sharon for coffee. I am also having a crochet lesson this afternoon and tomorrow I am going to meet everyone in my local knitting and crochet group with a friend I met in group [don't worry, our therapists are aware of us meeting up for crochet]. I am excited about that.

I guess I just feel sad and I feel like a failure and I don't understand why Andy wants to stay with me when he has to carry the load all the time. It's just not fair on him.

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, February 13, 2012

Discharged

I'm doing okay, not much for talking right now but just wanted to check in. I got discharged from hospital today and those of you who have been in hospital might know that it feels really weird to start with. It will get better as the days go by. I hope you are all going okay :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, February 12, 2012

going okay

So I did end up in hospital. I tried to get out of it but my doc wasn't buying it. A few of you questioned the need for me to be here and I get your point (I'm going home tomorrow anyway) but it was to regulate my mood and for some reason hospital does that. I didn't realise at the time that my doc was going to get me off of caffeine cold turkey, while I was manic. The reason manic is bad for me is that I spend big time.

One time I spent $3000 on a computer because none of the others were in stock and another time I convinced a electronics shop to give me credit without me actually having my credit card with me and I bought a third camera. So yes, my highs can be very destructive and making 'plans' is usually the start of it and it was.

I was desperate to go shopping on Friday and then when we agreed on discharge, she had to put me on category 1, which means I can go out on my own and so what do I do, go shopping. I only bought three balls of yarn but since I have a whole big box of it at home, my doc didn't want me to get anymore until I've used the old stuff. I see her point. I will most likely not tell her about it, it will only make things worse.

I might go for a walk later, see how I go. I hope you are all doing okay. Sorry for my absence, no internet.

Okay, well I'm off to group :)

*hugs*
Sarah

P.S. I think I forgot to say I am being discharged tomorrow (Monday) yay!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

haywire

I went to see my doc yesterday to tell her I didn't need to go hospital. I told her I had plans. I was going to go to Brook RED (a place for people with mental illnesses where you can get peer support) and how I was going to volunteer and how I was going to go back to uni and that if I was quick I could reverse my withdrawal and start in first semester which starts in a few weeks. Then I told her how I was going to get a job at Brook RED and how I wasn't going to go to Stepping Stone anymore. She looked at me and no, no, no, no and no. You are manic! She even went into her pill selection and gave me a zyprexa right there on the spot and told me to go take it and come back and to promise her I wouldn't throw it in the bin.

She asked me what I was doing with the rest of the day and I said I was going to Brook RED [no], that I was at least going to call them [no] and I needed to call Stepping Stone [no,no]. Then I said I had a crochet lesson, she was fine with that but then asked how much money I had with me, I said $110. She asked me if I was going to spend it all and I said no, I was only going to pay for my lesson and buy more yarn, she was fine with the lesson but reminded me about the big box of yarn I had at home and told me not to buy anything more than that. I then started to try and bargain things with her and she started laughing and said I was like a persistent child, which I must admit was funny because it was like I was going "can I just" and she was saying "no". I then played a joke on her and told her I promise not to buy a house, lol!

The other thing I am a little annoyed about is that she wants me to still go into hospital. I think I am fine to be perfectly honest, maybe a little elevated but I can manage it. Oh well, I just have to play it by ear. At least there is like 50 people on the waiting list to get into hospital, so I have time. Hope you are all doing well :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, February 6, 2012

planned hospital admission

I saw my psychiatrist today and she has planned for me to go into hospital for a few days this week sometime. It depends when a bed becomes available to me as to when I can go in. It seems that my doc really wants it to be Wednesday or Thursday. I have another appointment with her on Wednesday, which shows how much she is worried about me because she has squeezed me in before her other appointments. She made me promise that I will show up, which I did and I think she knows I've always been prompt but with me not feeling the best, I think she just wanted to make sure. Anyway, will hopefully have internet while I am in, even if just on my phone. Hopefully I'll know more soon so I can stop worrying. In any case, I have DBT tomorrow, which is good. It will at least distract me.

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Positive Sunday

Firstly the last week has been a bit up and down, but let's hope that this week coming is a good one. One of the things I had to face was Centerlink (they give out welfare payments in Australia), told me that I was not fit for work. Normally they are more than happy to push you away from them giving you more money to giving you less. I was quite hurt I guess by this. I felt like such a failure. But anyway, there were some positives!

Success Stories:
Finished my multi-coloured bag that took three weeks to make
Started my tunic, it's looking good :)
Asked for help when I needed it, even though it didn't work out the way I wanted, at least I still asked


Gratitude's/Things that make me happy:
Andy and Moo
Crochet and knitting
My new Etsy store
Cats - my brother has a new kitten, she is adorable

Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to feel not okay and just sit with the emotion instead of acting on in a negative way
Practice, practice, practice DBT skills, particularly distress tolerance because then they will become natural



Photo of the day


This is my beanie I made yesterday, it has more blue/green colours in than the last one. I am now working one that is the colours of a sunset, oranges/yellows, it's really pretty. Yes that is me with the appalling coloured skin. I took it with my iPhone, so it's not the best quality and I took it myself, lol. 

Hope you are all doing okay, have fun and be happy :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, February 4, 2012

New Etsy shop

I've opened up a new Etsy shop which was suggested to me to do by Borderline Lil, though it had already come to mind a few times before that. There isn't anything in it at the moment but I am working on my first beanie to go in it, which is a medium size multi-coloured beanie.


I am also going to make a beanie to go with a scarf I just found put away that is ready to go into my shop and I am going to make another beanie out of the same colours used in the scarf but as a crochet pattern. They won't match 100% but you could get away with it. I will list them separately.


I will let you all know in case you're interestered. In any case I want to finish the beanie like the first pic first, if that makes sense.

I just realised that I am really happy today. It's a nice feeling :)

Five positives for today
1. Andy and Moo
2. Crochet [of course]
3. The feeling of happiness without too much spark
4. Feeling worthwhile
5. Feeling ready to go back to work

Be safe, be happy and most of all have fun :)

*hugs*
Sarah

P.S. Here's the link to my now opened shop http://www.etsy.com/shop/CrochetAndKnitForMe

Friday, February 3, 2012

Nova Employment

Well I have found another employment agency other than Stepping Stone that I may be able to get help from. The only problem is that they are way over the other side of town, but they sounds really really good from what I've seen. I am getting a transfer from Stepping Stone today and then will wait and see when I get a place with Nova as they are at their capacity right now. I hope I'm not too late. I don't have to have something right now, but I want something by April. So that's my goal.

On another note, I am now working on my tunic, it's so much fun :)  Also, I got a new iphone yesterday. I like some of the new things that are on it. But the thing I love the most is the case I got for it. Check it out.


I like the little raised spots on it because it means it's not going to be slippery in my hand. I just like how it looks weird :)

Have a good day/night everyone!

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, February 2, 2012

the bag I made

I love this and it only took a few weeks to make :)

*hugs*
Sarah

confidence

I am feeling really really awful right now. I was at my crocheting lesson yesterday and I was chatting away to Gabrielle and I broke a confident piece of informtion with her about my friend that also goes to her shop. I am so so worried that she will say something, even though I don't think my friend would have been in the shop around the time after I left. Last night while in bed, I got my iphone and sent Gabrielle an email to say to her not to say anything because I had broken a confidence in what I said and I felt awful about it. I think she will get this tomorrow when she gets back to work or today hopefully if she checks her emails while she is at home. She doesn't work thursdays.

In other good news I have started my tunic and am finding it really good. I also have the beginnings of the last strap on my bag. I will post some pics when I can later today. I have to stay home from DBT today because I am getting a delivery and I have to be here to get it or I will have to wait for it again another day and it would most likely be Tuesday next week because I am unlucky like that (that's a DBT day too). Andy would have been here normally but he got called into work. Bummer! I'm feeling rather anxious though too today. I think it's just about saying that stuff and missing DBT :(

*hugs*
Sarah

P.S. Forgot a piece of news, I opened a new shop for selling my knitting and crocheting at. I haven't got anything in there yet but I will let you all know the address when I do.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

contemplation

Yesterday was a bit tough. I had to own up to the self harm with both my DBT group and Dr D. The group one went well. It after I spoke up, one of my group members said I had given him the courage to tell about his self harm, which was different to mine but he thanked me for giving him that courage and he did open up, which was a positive. Then Dr D was okay, she just asked to see it and I showed her and it was okay. We talked a lot about expectations I put on myself because I think I'm letting others down by not working aka Andy.

I said I in group that I was going to finish after the six months and Lucy said she didn't think this was a good idea, that I should probably work and do DBT at the same time. I tend to agree now I have thought about it. Dr D said I should just take it as it comes and take it easy and not to fix things in place. Andy seemed okay with me taking a bit longer than April to finish DBT. You can do it for up to two years. I won't stay that long but I think that I should stay a bit longer than the six months. We'll see. I might just have to play it by ear.

Hoping you are all doing okay :)

*hugs*
Sarah