Friday, March 30, 2012

Doing okay

I am doing okay, though still in hospital. I have seen my doctor already today and I am finally on category one, which means I am allowed to go out for a few hours if I want to. Yay me. I feel a lot better than when I got admitted. The only problem is I am in a shared room and one of the girls is a horrible snorer, really bad, like all night long. One new girl had to sleep in the TV room because of it. I am able to tune it out most of the time.

In other news I got to see my DBT group yesterday and we had lunch together and it was nice but I was out of it because I fell asleep between morning tea and lunch and woke up really disorientated. You know when you go, where am I, what time is it, what have I missed????

Andy is coming in today, which I a me excited about. That will be awesome. I have missed him so much. Anyways, must run, I'm a bit tired and want to lie down. Hoping you are all well.


Tuesday, March 27, 2012

the explosion

So I have landed myself back in hospital again after being out for just over a month. It all started with wanted to leave DBT but I realised that it was for all the wrong reasons and this was after I had self harmed three times. So I am in here until Monday next week. My psychologist, Lucy, is seeing me tomorrow and we are going to work out what we need to do to get me back on track. I realised I do need DBT. I realised I don't contribute in DBT, that I stay quiet the most out of everyone and that it's like pulling teeth trying to get me to participate. I didn't realise I was that bad. My group members agree though so I guess I need to be more connected in group and not run away when the going gets tough. Here's to getting better!


Friday, March 23, 2012

Leaving DBT

As of Thursday next week I will no longer be doing DBT. I finally got the approval from my treating team, though my psychologist is worried of a relapse and ending up in hospital. I am not worried about that but I am happy to be stepping down from a demanding group and one that is not so nice to be in anymore. I will be doing a one day group each week for about six weeks and then I should hopefully be going to Stepping Stone for three days a week and eventually part time work. I am flexible in the timing and know that being out of hospital is the main issue and I must constantly work on that one. But I am happy that I am not going to be doing DBT anymore. Actually very happy. The whole thing with N is really pissing me off. I am sick of being ignored. I am bored in group, I am on the second round of all the modules and I basically was just sitting looking out the window most of the time. So it's time and it's good and I am well and I am happy :)

I hope all of you out there in blogger-land are at least content at the moment too :)


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

it's been ages

I can't believe I haven't posted in a week. Life has been very busy for me of late and when I have had time I just haven't felt like posting. So anyway here I am finally. Some things are happening on the horizon. I have indicated to my DBT psychologist that I am ready to leave the group and move on. I think they are very unsure as to whether I am ready or not but I am putting things in place already to help me with the transition. It's also because there are 60 people on the waiting list and if I left and wanted to come back I would have to wait for about 3 or 4 months. I would swap to another group that is only one day a week instead of two. It is less intensive and it's not compulsory you turn up, you just come when you need it.

I also want to go back and see my old psychologist Emma and take it from where I left off but in a much better frame of mind. I would also go back to Stepping Stone for two days a week to start with and try and get my work stamina up and eventually apply for jobs part time. I wrote a 14 week plan, which I will take to my doc today and try and get her to agree.

In other news I am crocheting a shawl for my brother's wedding in some beautiful sparkely black yarn. The pattern is really pretty and it will go with my outfit really well. I have quite a few things on the go crochet wise. I have two blankets for mother's day to make (our mother's day is in May) and I am doing a wrap in black. I will post pics when they are finished.

Not much else to tell. I haven't been really on blogger, only occasionally, so if I missed your posts I am sorry. I have been thinking of you all but just didn't know what to say really, even though I had a lot on. Anyway, don't forget to be kind to yourselves!

 This is the shawl I am making for my brother's wedding. I hope it turns out okay!


Wednesday, March 14, 2012


Here's some positives for Wednesday. My week so far has been uneventful. Today will be different. It's house inspection day and we have to whisk Moo off to the vet as we aren't meant to have her. We say she is getting her nails done (she is getting her claws clipped) and will board there for the day. Not much other than that happening. I am feeling really well. I didn't like DBT yesterday. I had pain from my neck and from sitting so long all day and I was a ball of pain when I left, which was a few minutes early. Here's my positives anyway :)

Success Stories:
I have graduated from weekly visits from my outreach nurse, to fortnightly visits as a trial. We'll see how I go
Yesterday was a month out of hospital, yay me
So far I have only spent 6 days in hospital this whole year (so different from last year)

Gratitude's/Things that make me happy:
Andy and Moo
Crochet lessons (I am excited because I have one today)

Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I know that knowing N from DBT from years ago is hard to deal with when she won't talk to me but I realise that I am just as scared as her because she knows me from my tiny/skinny days, so I choose to radically accept that I can wait her out and eventually she will just speak when she realises I won't say anything. She is already making eye contact.

Welcome to those of you who are new to my blog. Please feel free to comment if you wish, I'd love to hear from you. Thanks for joining us :)


Friday, March 9, 2012


Wow... on March 3rd it was the anniversary of me meeting Andy five years ago. Can't believe it's that long ago. Tomorrow, March 10, is the day we decided that we wanted to be together (yes it was quick) and then on March 12th, it's our second year wedding anniversary. Wow, wow and wow :)

We don't really celebrate the anniversaries. Neither of us are really that type. Gosh, I wore jeans to my wedding even. I did let my mum get my hair done but I refused to wear make up.

My wedding hair

Andy, Ziggy and Me

Yes Ziggy came too. He is one of our posse of plush friends that we have and he is the most flamboyant of them all and also one of our witnesses (just kidding). But Ziggy did get his on chair at our wedding. We only had my parents and Andy's parents and Ziggy of course. Yes, we are insane :)

Then of course after the ceremony, we went out for drinks and Ziggy (being the star of our wedding) got to have a beer. 

It's nice to remember times where you were silly and had extra fun. My wedding wasn't a grand occasion because I didn't want it to be that way. I wanted it to be low key and down to earth. Andy wanted the same thing and so that's why I pushed and pushed for jeans and no make up. I had fun and that's what I remember. 

The funny story would be that my dad dyed his brown shoes black the night before and the dye started to eat the stitches of his shoe right at the middle of our wedding. He had to shuffle because if he walked normally his shoe would fall apart. Then the whole shoe did fall apart when we were getting ready to go home and so we say, when dad's sole fell out of his shoe, that he did indeed lose his soul at our wedding, ha ha ha!

I like remembering these times and it's nice to know that times like these still happen. It's why I love Andy so much, it's because he is as crazy as me and I mean that all in a good way :)

What is something that you remember in your lives that makes you smile or laugh out loud because you can't help not doing that?


Thursday, March 8, 2012

cracked teeth and DBT

I am not looking forward to tomorrow. Tomorrow I go to the dentist and they are going to do two fillings on two of my three cracked teeth. I cracked them clenching and grinding my teeth, which I do both during the day and at night. I have been particularly bad with it today I must admit. Thank the gods for the dental plan that I got approved for, where if you have a chronic illness and you can prove that the treatment or the actual illness caused damage to your teeth, you can get $4200.00 to get them fixed over a two year period.

I can't believe I got approved but am very thankful for it. The only issue I have is I don't entirely trust my dentist. I left the clinic last Friday and clearly told them that NO I am not getting crowns and bridges and all the rest, that I would try fillings first. So I rang them earlier this week and they said they were confirming my crown and fillings and I said NO, I am only getting fillings. So I am going to make sure they really get it when I go into the dental chair and I don't end up with a crown and a filling. I would be very pissed off if that happened and would probably do something about it with medicare. Rant over!!! I guess all they see is the dollars and not what I want. I am unsure of the dentist too because my awesome dentist left :(  I am really not looking forward to tomorrow.

I am not happy about what happened in DBT today either. J was really struggling with self harm and just being alive and K was feeling bad too. Then at lunch our new girl N, had an injury (self harm) that she did last night bust open and of course poor J was the one that noticed it. I didn't notice anything because M was behind me getting me into the building and I asked why and he said "you don't want to see that". It took me a while to figure out that N had been bleeding and I'm glad I missed it because I was having a good day. I was a bit pissed at N though.

Then we went back into the room where we have group and we all had to deal with how bad J and K where feeling. K ended up in tears and J just didn't know what to do or how to feel. I really felt for them both. I felt for Lucy too, one of our psychologists because Luca had stay with the new girl to help get some first aid and send her on to get her injuries dealt with. With it being held at a hospital you'd think it would be easy but no, apparently they didn't want to deal with an outpatient. All very complicated.

I left though feeling happy and thankful for M for getting me out of the way of seeing any of that. He knows that I struggle with that stuff and I guess I do feel bad for N because she will probably feel scared to come back to group on Tuesday. Anyway, that's it from me for now, I think I've talked enough :)


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

DBT group

Today was tough in group. We had a really heavy session. The other thing though is that we had a new girl start last week and actually know her from a long time ago when I was very unwell with my eating disorder. She won't even talk to me. I don't know what she thinks I'll say, maybe she thinks I will tell everyone what I know about her from six years ago. I wouldn't do that but she won't even make eye contact with me. I guess I'll just have to give her time. I have decided to not push the point with her and let her come around on her own time. I would hate to make the situation worse.

I am glad she is starting to bond with the rest of the group. She hadn't said anything at all to the group until lunchtime today when a bird flew into the window and she expertly assisted it. She works in animal welfare on the hands-on side of things. The group were so impressed that they asked her heaps of questions about animals and it really helped to bring her out of her shell and become part the group. She spoke up a few times after that in group and I was actually really proud of her. I wish she could see this instead of a threat I somehow show her . This makes me really tired. 


Saturday, March 3, 2012

Finished what seems like finally

I finished my scarf today. I am so happy about that because it means I can start something new and because it was the most complicated looking scarf I have ever done but really easy. I liked the process of making my first crocheted scarf. It was fun and so quick. Knitting takes so much longer. Anyway, for those of you interested, here are the pics.

Close up
How it would sit on a real person (don't tell her she's not real, he he)
It's so much easier with a mannequin. What a lucky find she was :) Hope your day/night is going well :)

Okay, off to create something else!


Friday, March 2, 2012

I can't belive what people throw away

This afternoon I was walking with Andy past a recycle bin at my local shopping centre and in there were four mannequins. I got really excited because I had seen the lady from a shop wheeling them out in a trolley and just thought she was moving them but no, she was throwing them out and so Andy let me keep one, yay! I can now model more than my hats in my Etsy shop. Since she is a new addition in our household, she had to have a name, so and I don't know why, meet Celeste (yes I am insane)!

What a awesome find

I also let my crochet teacher Gabby know that there were three more there if she wanted to come get them and she seemed pretty keen on getting them and also seemed very grateful that I would think of her. So this is great, because if that's my news for the day, it means I am having a good day and I like that very muchly :)

For those of you that are struggling, my heart goes out to you. I hope tomorrow is a better day. Take care all :)


Thursday, March 1, 2012

doing okay

Things are pretty settled at the moment and I am glad of that. I really want to try and have a few months at least that are at a normal level, though as I have learnt from past experience, I won't announce that to the world and set myself for failure. I should say instead that I would like to strive for having a few months at least with having a normal mood.

Yesterday was a bit busy in a way. I had a GP appointment with Conrad to start with and I got approved for Australia's dental plan, where the government will fix your teeth if you can prove they've been damaged through a chronic illness. I have cracked my back teeth because of clenching my jaw and jaw tightening/clenching can be an adverse reaction to lithium, which is why I qualify. I am really happy about it because I can now get my cracked teeth fixed and possibly a plate/mouth guard to stop clenching in the night. I can relax it during the day when I notice it but not always.

After that I had my crochet lesson and I'm doing my first crocheted scarf. It's easy, though to those who don't crochet it must look hard. I know when I looked at the pattern before I started it with Gabby, I found it a bit overwhelming. Gabby is a very good teacher though and so I got it really quick.

The last thing was Sue, my nurse and she was happy with me. Nothing much happened with her, so there's not much to say. I do have DBT today so we'll see how that goes.

There's nothing much else to report. I hope you are all okay. Welcome to my new readers, please feel free to comment if you wish. I hope you like it here.