Sunday, April 29, 2012

I am still going

Wow, it's been a while (again). I am still in hospital and there have been some not so nice things happening. My old roommate Jessica for example, she was/is such a bitch and she constantly invaded my personal space. She started to really get to me and in the end I went to the manager who talked to me in length (I had been bawling my eyes out all morning) and then spoke to her and it was decided that we were not to talk to each other and leave each other alone and that was meant to be that.

As soon as I went into the bedroom she started so I told her to leave me alone, but she wouldn't stop so I frantically went through all my stuff and unfortunately found a craft knife that no I had forgotten was there and I went into the bathroom and self harmed, I rang for the nurse and while the door of the bathroom was open, she could see the blood and she was still going. The nurse had gone to get a registered nurse because she was only a student and I just screamed at her at the top of my lungs "Leave me alone, go away, fuck off".

One of the nurses set off the duress alarm and there were nurses everywhere and the manager came in, I was bawling and yelling that she wouldn't leave me alone. She has upset that many people here, another girl hid in her room for two days because of Jessica and this is how she found out that Jessica had had to sign a contract to say she wouldn't talk nasty things to others and leave people alone when they want it. It was then decided that I would be moved and that has worked out well. I have problems with dissociation now but hey, I have always had that. Going inside is so much easier than facing some of these things right now.

 In other news I have become a bit addicted to graphic novels. I am slowly reading Watchmen right now and wow, who would have thought a graphic novel could be so dense and deep. I also have The Sandman and I have another Neil Gaiman Coraline. I haven't seen the movie, though always wanted to and the graphic novel looks good. Neil has such awesome illustrations.

So I have been writing this for just under and hour (yes I am slow) but I had to change things a lot and I am writing by the light of the screen. Pray I go home this week.

Also thanks for all your lovely comments =)

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

now

So I have now been in hospital for a week. I think that my doc has been waiting for me to come to terms with the fact that I am going to have a different life than having DBT each week and set times and days for things. I think I am ready for that! I don't have a lot to say today but I know I want to be happy and well and I know what I need to do now. Just thought I'd check in and let you all know how I am feeling and that yes, I am still around :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

now what?

On Tuesday I went to DBT but on the way I found out I was being re-admitted to hospital because of my quite unsettled mood. I knew if I came in to hospital that I would be discharged from DBT because of attendance. I had mixed feelings going in to the group but finally explained that I would be leaving because of hospital and that I had no attendance spots left. We could only miss six sessions within sixteen following sessions. I was quite upset and teary and sad but I knew I couldn't do anything about it. I am a little angry at Nellie because I feel she was my downfall. She and I knew each other briefly five years ago and since she came into my group, she ignored me, downright was rude in that ignoring a direct question to her, wouldn't even look at me and the list goes on. She is young and I have 14 years on her but I am still angry that all this idiot behaviour ended my time in DBT because I couldn't, session after session, have the ability to talk up about it.

I have thought though about my options and I have decided to go against putting my name back on the waiting list. I gave it two good tries and I couldn't do it. My mood has been so unstable lately and my doc is increasing both lamictal and abilify. We'll see what happens. I am all over the place emotionally, crying easily, but I hope that settles soon. I think I'll probably just work with Emma, Dr D and Sue for now and add in other things like Stepping Stone gradually. I'm the most unwell I've been for a while and I am hoping that changes soon. Hope you are all well!

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, April 9, 2012

that's what happens

Last night I couldn't sleep. So I got up and took extra meds, which didn't help anyway. So I took more extra meds. Sounds dumb, yep it is. Anyway, I still couldn't sleep, so I got up and quietly pulled out all the yarn that was for the blanket I am making Andy and I a little later on in the year. I then took 10mg zyprexa and finally went to sleep. BUT... I couldn't wake up all day today. I way misued my meds and I am not proud of it. I have had to have three naps because of being so tired and first thing this morning over at the local cafe I looked liked a drugged up zombie. Won't be doing that again, I think what happened was the meds I was taking weren't working because I was taking them in hospital a lot, so I got tolerant to them (100mg seroquel and 10mg diazepam). I never used to take the zyprexa if I needed something, so I think that's why it worked so well. I am embarrassed to say that I took so many drugs last night but today is a new day and a new reflection on what I should do and that is not go to bed so early and to try and stick it out a bit and not over use my meds. Ultimately it doesn't help me and it doesn't help Andy. I won't be doing that again, that's for sure. I am hoping all of you are safe and sound and enjoying Easter in the way that makes you happy :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, April 6, 2012

Finally made it home :)

I got home this morning from hospital and I am so happy to be here. So I come home happier, healthier and three piercings more than before [my bad]. Oh well, let's just move on from that one. I got to finally see Emma, my psychologist, on Wednesday. There was one thing that she asked me that really made me pause, she asked me "What is it that makes you fear getting better". I never really thought about this before and I think she has a point. I think I do fear it but I am not really sure why and it's what she wants to work with me on. Hopefully at the end being a better me with lots of hard work. To top it all off, for not being there in the morning (Emma had cancelled her morning appointments and her receptionist didn't tell me) and because she could only see me for 30 minutes, she didn't charge me. YAY!

The other thing that has really been on my mind is DBT and the letter that I decided to write to my fellow group members about saying sorry for saying I was leaving and then confusing them when I changed my mind. Then talking about a couple of things that have been bothering me (1) I get talked over in group but I do have a soft voice (2) N is still ignoring me and I just wanted to tell her that I am not scary and I would like to be able to be included in the group as well when she talks etc. So today I decided I am not bringing up 1 or 2 because I am already anxious about the other stuff and that just makes it go way past okay for me right now. I am going to just leave it with N, if she doesn't want to talk to me, that is her choice, I can't force her and to bring it up will make it worse. I am the one that has to get over it.

I am doing really well with my shawl for my brother's wedding. Though I did have to unravel parts of it where I had made mistakes GRRRR! I just had to pull out two whole rows because of a mistake I found at the beginning of the previous row. I was so mad. Oh well, I have until the end of this month, though I have to lap blankets to make too in that time for mother's day [yes us Aussie's have to be different]. I hope I get them done on time, which is the 13th May. My brother's wedding is 19th May, so it's all a bit daunting.

Hope you are all travelling well. Hello to my new readers :)  welcome, feel free to post and thanks to those that have posted recently. Internet in hospital sucked, so if I didn't respond, I am really sorry.


*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

what a day!

I am still in hospital and I am being discharged on Friday morning, which I am so happy about. I am excited to be spending some time home with Andy and Moo, I have missed them both so much. But for today I am not so fond of. I got up extra early at 5am and the nurses made me some breakfast as I was going to see Emma, my old psychologist. I had a way to travel so I got there just on 7:45am and my appointment was at 8am. Well, no one showed up and eventually another psychologist asked me what I was after and I said I had an appointment with Emma and she dropped the bomb on me and told me that Emma wasn't there this morning. I promptly burst into tears and left very upset. I did ring them later and they told me that I could have another appointment at 3pm today and I said yes, even though it means travelling all the way over there again. I'll keep you posted as to how it goes with Emma another post. Hope you are all travelling well and hello to my new readers. Welcome and please do comment if you would like to :)

*hugs*
Sarah