Thursday, May 31, 2012

Avoid avoiding

So what does this mean and what does this mean for me? Avoid avoiding is a DBT term and it's used to try and get you to do those things that you want to avoid doing. For me it's quite extreme. I have a huge fear of work, so I will do anything to avoid it. A few years ago I smashed my head into a toilet roll dispenser to give me a bump so I could go back into the office and say I had a headache and had to go home. Hospital is also another example, I will go to avoid feeling things that make me feel uncomfortable. I was talking to Sue my Stepping Stone staff member today and we are coming up with strategies to help me stop doing this.

I've already tried it twice this week at Stepping Stone. On Monday I had a huge urge to get out, to run, to get away, but I told Sue that "I have the urge to run right now and I was going to tell you it was because of my tooth hurting and I really had to go home. But the fact is my tooth isn't hurting but I still want to go". She was impressed with my honesty and ability to work out what was happening and she asked me if I'd like to do some stuff on facebook for Stepping Stone and she would help me and I said yes. I first told her I had to get away at 1pm and I stayed until 2:45pm.So today we did my individual plan and I put avoid avoiding as my goal, to stop running away.

I am also working on avoidance with Lucy. There are so many things that I avoid. I avoid going on campus of the university I used to work for where I was bullied, even if it's away from the building. I now avoid it because I have put on 11kg and I think people would be disgusted with me. I avoid it because I might run into people I used to work with and I even cringe when a bus goes by that is going there.

The other thing I am avoiding right now is sweet food. It initially because my doc saw my cholesterol level and the fat part was way up. So I started to use this as an excuse to not eat sweet things and then it turned into those foods as being 'unsafe'. So now I am treading on dangerous ground. I am weighing myself daily and I have a table in excel that I've kept since 2008 with the date and my weight on it. I don't record it every day but some days. I've been told to get rid of it before but for some reason I can't. I am letting myself flirt with ED land. I've had enough of having an ED in the past, I don't want it again.

But anyway, have a think about what you avoid. Does it creep into everything like mine does? Or is it just a thing that you notice and it's not a problem. If it is a big problem, I really recommend tackling it. I had another one at Stepping Stone today when I took ibuprofen and I got an allergic reaction from it. I wanted to go home but I also really wanted to do my individual plan and that's what kept me there. I went into a dark room on my own with the lights off for two hours waiting for Sue. By the time she nearly got back, the symptoms were almost gone. I got there at 8:20am and left at 1:00pm. I am really really trying. I want to get past this!


Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Some nice things

Today has been okay so far, apart from the dentist again. I had to get a root canal. Andy also got a job yesterday, so that is a big load of his mind and we might be able to fix our issues with some more money coming in.

The nice thing was Moo. She meowed at the door when I went into the bedroom where Andy was having (had) a snooze and so we let her in. At first I started to take photos with my iPhone but then I got my Nikon out and had some fun taking cute and funny pics of her chasing some string. Hope you like them.

Ahhh some yarn to play with

I'll just relax here for a while

and pose!

No, it's my mine I tell you, MINE!

I will never give up!

I'm gonna take a break and clean my toes

Damn that yarn, it's just so tempting

It's lip smacking good!


Thursday, May 24, 2012

it's become an epidemic

While I was in hospital I was making beanies for patients (remember it's Autumn over here in Australia). I was charging for each one and that kept me in yarn and drink machine money (lol, it's true). Anyway, I still have 2 definites and one unconfirmed of the Urban Shells beanie below and had already done 4 while I was in just a plain lime green one for a gorgeous chicka with an awesome Mohawk. Yes I did wonder how she kept the beanie on myself.

I have one and a half to do by Tuesday, when I see my doc, because then I am going over to the hospital across the carpark and visit my friend to give her her two beanies and then to teach my friend who is on the eating disorders program (I'm so happy, I don't get triggered and she is trying her arse off to get better) how to do some crocheting. She was given some very bad advice and a very bad combinations of things that go together (don't).

I am now going to Stepping Stone twice a week, it's okay but it does make me want to run because my doc wants me to go. In other news I learnt a new hat yesterday, I love, love, love it. My first attempt is way too tight. What happened was I learning the pattern and my hook was awful, I hadn't used it before but it was plastic and so Gabby (in my crochet lesson and she owns the shop) found an awesome aluminium one but there was an 8mm or a 10mm one, we decided to go down a size rather than have it too big. I am going to have to go back today and get the 10mm one. I'll still finish my hat because it looks good but it will look less loose and slouchy than it should.

Anyways, sorry if I am boring you. I love my crochet as you all know. I want to say thanks to all of you who supported me while I was really unwell and also to those who just read along and to those who commented for the first time. It was much appreciated.


Monday, May 21, 2012


I feel better today. I feel better than I have in a long long time and thanks for the comments regarding the break up/get back together with Andy, it really did help. We had the best time with Moo last night. She was so funny, pouncing things and playing with Andy and that made me feel even more better.

I think I told you about Lucy, my new psychologist/old DBT therapist. So she knows me very very well after 7 1/2 hours a week for six months. She is tiny, literally, but she is like a dog with a bone when you are holding back and she can be really scary for someone so small. Anyway, my point was that he gave me homework.

1. Exercise, start really small since I hate it (we are going to kick the soccer ball around for 15 minutes)
    - yet unarchived
2. Decrease credit card limit
    - tried to but they wouldn't let me, so I put a block on the account
3. Contact Carmen and Jo and have coffee with them. This is because I don't get out enough but also because, I avoid them because I think I am fat and they will judge me (DBT skill - avoid avoiding)
   - I am having coffee with Carmen on Friday
4. Pros and cons of avoidance, avoiding the old University I used to work at and not saying no. This is a weird pros and cons because you do the pros and cons of of continuing the current behaviour and then you do the pros and cons changing the behaviour, in other words facing up to difficult thoughts and feelings.
   - completed, when you think about it, the answers are obvious really
5. Visit Lucy's website with mindfulness practice on it
   - done
6. Practice mindfulness on Friday
   - So I failed to do it on Friday but I did do it on Sunday and I did the whole section of the CD I was meant to listen to. This CD has a bell after 10 minutes so you can stop if you want to but I stayed for the whole 20 minutes, yay me.

I see Lucy again next Wednesday, so no this week but next. I am looking forward to it actually. I like that she just gets right in there and off we go right on the first session but I think that is because we don't have to go through the getting to know you part.

My coffee mug tells me that "Today is going to be a great day!"  I hope it is. I am feeling positive about it. I have Sue coming today and other than that is crochet, just for something completely different ;-)


Sunday, May 20, 2012

Give me a break

Yesterday I announced to you all that Andy and I had broken up. After our no usual goodbye, I started to cry as I walked away, thinking that my life was going to be shit without him. That I would have to just get skinny and cut. Great attitude. Anyways, I was on the train and I texted him and asked how he was holding up. He rang me and said we can't do this, we keep doing this and he would rather be destitute and happy, than sad and with a hi flying job and lots of money. I was so totally relieved and I said right there and then, we are not doing this ever again. It hurts too much. He agreed :-/


Saturday, May 19, 2012

Oh how things can change

I know I said I was closing this blog down in two weeks time, well I think I will need it for a bit yet. Andy and I broke up for good last night and we still feel the same this morning. He told me that he had been talking to an ex when he broke up with me last time and when he called her back she asked him how he felt and he said 'free'. What can I say really? Not much. I don't know how to feel because I have never had five year relationship fall apart on me before. It's going to be really tight money wise but I guess I'll have to jump that hurdle when it comes to it. It just hurts.


Tuesday, May 15, 2012


I never really thought I'd feel this way but I am closing down This Lunatic Express. I have been going for nearly three years. This blog has saved me over and over again many times. It has been a place to get stuff out that no one in my real life knows about, except certain things that are safe topics. I have become less and less wanting to blog and that tells me that my real life has taken off and although I will miss you all very much, I think it's time for me to move on though, in a happy way. I know I've been unwell for a while and been in hospital but even then, I had no desire to blog. So there you have it. I am going to say goodbye! I will leave this open for two weeks and then it's goodbye to you all. I wish you all well!



It's so nice to be home after a seven week admission to hospital. I was going stir crazy by the time Friday hit and then on Saturday tried to get discharged but it was all just too complicated with discharge meds. In the end I decided to injure the whole weekend there and made it home feeling really good.

You wouldn't know this but last week I a real wake up call. I was sitting on my bed backwards and went to move back a bit but instead fell backwards and landed on my head on the floor. I remember in that moment, thinking NO I don't want to die, I was to be around for a long long time. It was a moment, just one moment that lasted 2 seconds but felt like a lifetime. I was medically okay but my hearing went all funny for about 12 hours. It sounded liked I was talking into a microphone.

I also saw Lucy for my first psychology appointment with her and wow, she is awesome. Will tell more later but I have to get ready to go out, maybe later. Today is going to be a great day :)


Saturday, May 5, 2012

discharge wednesday YAY

I am so excited that I will be home after two months in hospital. I can't believe it's been that long. It does feel like forever but I am home on leave today and it feels so good. I will have my own bed back and all my things. I am making beanies for some patients and they are paying me... woohoo, extra money. I love extra money. I know I have neglected this blog over the period I have been in hospital but seriously I was in the worst head space. To the point where one night last week I saw a girl at the end of my bed just staring at me and she had a white and patterned beanie on and she ran out the room. The nurses said because I was so paranoid that it was a hallucination and this scared the crap out of me because there WAS a girl there. I just can't find her in the hospital. I know this sounds all crazy but I guess my nurse was right. I have been doing much much better over the last few days and I have some awesome news. Since I got discharged from DBT for being in hospital too long, I have missed my therapist Lucy like crazy. I found out yesterday for sure that I can see her privately in her rooms a few suburbs away from the hospital. I am so excited and feel good about that. Anyways, hope you have all been going along okay and I have been thinking of you guys. I felt so bad that I hadn't kept up with blogs but I just couldn't read. Next week let's hope things change :)