Saturday, June 30, 2012

Please

Please don't be offended if I don't comment much over the next little while. I have so much to come to terms with and it's so hard. I often think of posting but then just don't know what to say. Tomorrow I am going to my old home and dividing up stuff between Andy and I. It will be very hard to see him and very hard to walk away. Gosh how this hurts :(

*hugs*
Sarah

New place

In the end it is better for both of us, but I've moved into another place of my own and we are really over. It still feels unreal to me and I have cried so much in the last week it's not funny. I hate the place I am living as it is shared house but I do have my own room. I feel so lonely and sad but it's best for both of us because we kept hurting each other. I wish things could be different. I am okay, so don't worry. I just wish I could go back in time and change so many things  :(

*hugs*
Sarah

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

As it stands

Andy and I are still together and still going to go to marriage counselling, but we both knew we needed some time away from each other to let each other breathe and not repeating the cycle over and over. I am moving into a house tomorrow with three other people. They all suffer from mental health problems but they are apparently really quiet and get along well. My room is pretty small but it seems okay. There is no room for my desktop computer there but I can take my laptop instead. I bought some new sheets and pillow cases yesterday, which was kind of exciting and I bought a special matteress overlay to help my back. I am now broke but I get paid tomorrow, yay! Andy and I are getting along really really well. It's awesome but I do still think, and I can't help it, that he will want to move on at the end of the six months and we'll just be best mates. It makes me a little sad, but then I think, what an awesome friend to have :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, June 23, 2012

You'll all groan

This week has been awful. I haven't cried so much in a long long time. Every time I thought of Andy, I wanted to cry, this showed me how much I loved him. It broke my heart when he told me this morning that I couldn't come home to see him and my cat, we were going to separate our stuff. Instead he told me not to call except once a day (we usually call 4 times a day) because he needed some space. Then at lunch time I got a text asking if he could call. I rang him from the phone in my room and the first thing out of his mouth was "this is dumb, I'll do whatever is needed, including couples counseling (which he wouldn't do before) and I want you to come home". I was really shocked because I was expecting the break up call. I am so happy that he has agreed to marriage counseling and we have our first booking on July 10th with a male counselor because I knew Andy would feel better with a male as I don't mind. BUT, the hospital won't let me go until I have at least one marriage counselling session and see how it goes. If it turns out bad, I'm stuffed, I have to find alternative housing, if it goes well, I will be going home. I'm scared but I know that Andy is serious this time about trying to fix this. I am hoping it all turns out well. Keep me in your prayers and wish me luck!

Thursday, June 21, 2012

broken up

As of last night Andy and I broke up. I know I have said how he says horrible things to me when he is drinking but he really is a lovely caring and wonderful person when he is sober. We talked for ages about all our options and this was the closest we could get a solution. I told him I just wanted him to be happy and he wants that of me but we weren't working and the breaking up and getting back together was doing my head in. We finished on very good terms. He wants to be a close friend and that's it. He knows the most about me than anyone else and we like the same things. But there are things that I can't give him that he needs. Money-wise it will be very tight. I am sure though things will work out. I know my mum will help me too. Thanks for your comments on my last post, muchly appreciated. Wish me luck in finding a place to live.

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

separation

It's happened. Andy and I have separated. I'm absolutely heart broken. I have been housed in hospital for now because I had nowhere else to go. Andy said some very hurtful things on Saturday night. I won't go into them but I was a mess. I told my doctor and she said there was no way she was releasing me back into his care. The good thing is that Andy has agreed to do everything that my doctor has asked and he even rang my mum to say sorry, which is unheard of. He is willing to do couples counselling with me and I'm going to see Lucy, my psychologist tomorrow to see what she says, to see if she'd see us. Thing is, I love him so much it's killing me. I cry all the time. I am lost and hurt and lonely without him. When I talk to him it makes me cry because we are apart, but I do know that we have to address our issues before we can decided what the next step is. I'm just so sad.

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, June 16, 2012

thank you

Andy - thank you for still being there, when you could've walked away
Moo - thank you for your special little furry ball of fluff
Mum - thank you for putting me first when you have so much to do
Dad - thank you for the kind ear you lend whenever I call up
Nana - thank you for just being you because you are so special
Dr D - thank you for actually liking me and doing the best for me
Pain Doc - thank for yesterday when you aborted the original procedure when it was too risky
Sue for SS - thank you for caring and calling when I'd only missed two days
Sue nurse - thank you for seeing me and giving me advice
Chris - thank you for understanding stuff that no one else would
Dawny - thank you for your special friendship that has grown over many years
Jan - thank you for your unique perspective on things and the love you have shown me

Fellow bloggers - thank you for reading, commenting and offering me advice and different ideas and perspectives because without you all, it would be very quiet around here!

*hugs*
Sarah




Friday, June 15, 2012

today is the day

Today I am going to be getting a needle put into the join in my neck to see if they can stop my headaches. I must admit to feeling quite unsettled by this. I have pain today, which is good I guess but sucks that I can't take pain killers. I hardly slept last night and it doesn't help that I'm a huge snot factory right now. From 7am onwards I can't eat until after the procedure, which I don't get admitted for until 11:30am. I just think that really sucks. It's only 4:40am and I am going to have bacon and eggs for breakfast today, with toast and anything else I can think of. Wish me luck! I keep thinking I'm going to end up paralysed and will never walk again after this. I hate these thoughts as they make me anxious. I also don't know what to wear. Do I wear track pants or do I wear jeans. Track pants would be more comfy. Argh! It's just freaking me out is all. I hope I go okay!

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, June 10, 2012

anger

Okay, I'm going to be honest. I haven't wanted to post this but I will. I am angry, really angry. When I was in hospital for that seven weeks (got out a month ago), Andy got really lonely and then we broke up twice and so during this time he gave his phone number to a girl that works at our local bakery called Megan. She is early twenties maybe, pretty and small. She texted him and they texted back and forth a number of times, don't know how much really. He told me as soon as we really did get back together properly (our break-ups lasted only overnight) and decided to never do these things to each other again.

He also told me that he had been in contact with his ex and had told her, when we broke up the last time, that he felt free. I know this was because of all the admissions to hospital and how unwell I was when I was out. There was no difference but when I was out he wasn't alone. I would have climbed the walls if he was gone for seven weeks straight every single day and you weren't working because you were doing everything you could to get a job but couldn't, so it was just you, all alone, all the time. I understand the need to reach out to someone, anyone. He never did anything but talk and text but I often wonder what he did say, what he said about me. There is an element of distrust.

There is one thing though and I have this unbearable feeling of rage towards Megan. He may have given her his number but she chose to text it and she had been flirting openly in front of me for months with Andy before I went into hospital. She makes me so fucking angry. She knew we were married and she knew that I was going to come out sooner or later and then she sees me for the first time and just smiles, so I glare her down until her smile leaves and she looks away, she knows I know. Now I ignore her but I can't stop the anger. I don't know whether it's because I am scared to be angry with Andy, as we have never fought and we have already talked about this. His ex Ange on the other hand I know she calls him all the time, she has no morals. She's been doing it the whole time we were together and before we were married like 4 years ago, we've been together five, he cheated on me once with her.

I think this is why I am secretly putting in the paperwork for public housing without him knowing. I guess I don't trust him anymore completely. I don't know what to think about my anger and I don't know how to make it go away. I know that we are getting along the best we have in a long time because he said he can see I am better this time. I mean really better. I feel like I can't say anything about him but he can be unhappy with me and that's okay. There isn't anything other than this flirting stuff that bothers me really but he expects so much of me and it puts me under pressure. I don't want to leave and I do want to leave, I am very very torn. I am scared that if I leave, I will never ever find anyone with his sense of humour and fun like he has. I have never met anyone before I can be totally myself, as in be silly and crazy and sad and happy and he just runs with it. I really do love him. I wish I knew what the hell to do :(

*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, June 9, 2012

this and that

Well it's officially the start of day three with this headache. I had another horrible sleep. I woke every two hours and I was sore and uncomfortable when I actually woke up at 5am I might add. Ugh! Besides that everything is going swimmingly. I had my traigus piercing taken out yesterday, woohoo, so happy about that. I don't miss it one bit. I did get one change though and I love it. It is in my rook. See pic. Sorry if it makes you squeamish.



It's really comfortable

The other thing is is that I finished my first wrist warmer and it came out better than I expected. I am so proud of it and hope that the second one comes out just as nice. The colours are so rich and strong and beautiful and I love it. 

 It goes right up to the top of my arm

Today I have a few things on the go. I am going to get more yarn to make the Gumdrop Slouchy Hat.


I'm going to make this hat in a rich purply/pink colour. I just have to pick up the second ball of yarn. I didn't realise at the time of getting the first ball that I needed 1 1/2 balls. Luckily they still have two balls left so I am going to nab one. 

In other news Andy and I are getting on really really well. His new job has really helped and my new outlook on life has helped too. I had a friend go into a coma from an overdose a few weeks ago and it really made me think how you have to live in the moment. Live in every single moment like it's your last. Luckily my friend Ashleigh is going to be okay. It still made me grateful for every breath. 

One last thing before I toddle off. Yesterday with my raging headache I did the dumbest thing ever. I left my keys inside and locked myself out. I rang Andy's parents as they live five minutes away and my father-in-law picked me up and took me too the real estate to get the spare key and I was home and inside within ten minutes. I would have been stuffed without them as I would have had a half hour walk there and back and there and back again. I can just imagine trying to get in any other way and having Moo sitting in the window watching me bemused ;)

Have an awesome weekend everyone. 

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Today

Today I am going to make a good day! No matter what.

On Tuesday, afternoon, after I wrote my commitment and avoidance post, I saw Dr D and we talked about my relationship with Andy and how even after writing all that stuff in that post, I was still avoiding the commitment. The good thing is that I am back on track and after such a good day yesterday and the extra stuff I did around the house for Andy and seeing him really appreciative and happy, it's really turned me around that I must stop myself from self sabotage. Just not going to go there, I love him too much.

I also spent a lot of time yesterday pampering her hairiness (Moo). She got to have huge sleeps in the sun on our bed, which is usually not allowed. Then last night she climbed on my lap three times... so excited! She has forgiven me for being in hospital and leaving her for all those times. But then you could say, a cold cat is a friendly cat! She gave up on me because I was fidgeting too much and went into the bean bag and curled up in a ball. So cute.

I knocked the ball off of my helix ear cartilage piercing the night before last night and had a stud in there and just had to have silver, so took out the gold and couldn't get the silver in and mightily messed my ear up. Now I have a pressure blister in there and it bled last night during sleep. I'm getting my traigus taken out today because it's catching on everything. I am sick of trying to remember it's there and it takes so long to heal.

Today I also am having the rest of my root canal finished and my pharmaceutical check done. Have really no idea what they do but we will talk about all my meds and how they affect me and what I should and shouldn't be doing if I am doing something wrong. Also the side effects and see if I am having them.

Then it's Moo time again and a rest. Tomorrow, back to Stepping Stone and sitting in the feelings of avoidance there, wanting to run, get out, anything but out but challenging it. I am always exhausted after all of those conflicting emotions and having to sit in them. I miss Sue, my support worker there, as she is on holidays but will be back next week, yay!

I hope you are all doing okay, keeping on going and doing whatever it is that makes you happy. For those of you that aren't doing so well, I hope you feel better soon. It sucks when you feel crap. Most of all stay safe and thanks for reading.

*hugs*
Sarah

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Committment and avoidance

I realised yesterday, it was shocking actually, that I was holding back and not committing to Andy and my relationship/marriage. I was applying for public housing and I was going to do it just for me and I told Andy I was going to add him later but since his income is higher, I wouldn't get approved. I had no intention of adding him and I was out of there. I just wanted to be on my own, skinny and cutting. What a life is that compared to what I have? Yesterday was a rough day. But when Andy got home, I sat him down and I told him all of that and I told him that I wasn't going to apply for it and really commit to us. I have had a burning urge ever since Andy started working for the new university, to actually in a few months, work there too. I want to get back into life and I mean really really get back into it. Start earning money again, not live on the poverty line because I am too scared of the other possibilities. I'm giving myself a boot up the bum this time and that's it. I have a family that loves me and a man that loves me and I love him, why would I want to throw that all away. Good thing is, now I know I don't!!!!

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, June 4, 2012

Hands

"... my hands are small I know
but they're not yours
they are my own... "

Hands by Jewel

I have this song in my head right now and it makes me think of how small I am in comparison to the rest of the world. How I am one of millions of people. I am just one person. It's humbling and makes me feel good. I feel like worrying seems useless, but I still worry. I am a worrier. I always have been. Today I am not worrying. I feel at peace. I feel happy and nice and gentle. I want to hold the world in my hands and whisper to it that it will be okay, even for just a second/minute/hour/day/week. Things cannot stay at peak levels of anxiety or depression or mania or whatever for ever. Soon you get tired and it decreases, even by a fraction. Today I wish that all of you who read my blog have a moment of happiness or peace. Just for a moment. I hope this lasts for a bit. It's a nice feeling :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Because

* balloons - because their bright colours and the way they can float away make me happy
* newly cut grass - because it is so fresh and it relaxes me
* dark chocolate - because it is dense and tart and delicious
* my glasses - because I like their shape and without them my writing would be whpoieueuwn
* my ugg boots - because they are warm and cosy in an Aussie winter
* my orange cat coaster - because it holds my tea every morning & my diet coke through the day

* bacon and eggs for breakfast - because it's just yum
* fresh coffee - because... well what can I say
* autumn/winter - because I love to rug up in warm clothes and snuggle up in bed
* hot water on cold hands - because it hurts but it feels so good as well


*hugs*
Sarah

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Positives

Positives for the weekend

This week has been good and bad, but mostly good. The only real bad has been my awful toothache and having half a root canal done and waiting for the rest to be finished next Thursday. It's okay though because the paracetamol is holding most of the pain, so that is good. I feel like I have done some really good stuff this week and really worked on my avoidant behaviour and I feel proud of myself for that. I plan on having a good weekend. I have a new crochet pattern on the go, wrist warmers, it's officially winter over here is Australia, though I don't think Queensland and especially Brisbane really get a proper winter, thankfully because I really feel the cold. I would hate to live in Canberra brrrr.

Success Stories:
- Avoided two situations where I wanted to avoid staying present, ie massive urge to run away from Stepping Stone but I stayed both times for at least another couple of hours with the help of the staff
- Have practiced being more positive in the morning when I get up and instead of moaning about something I try and say something positive to Andy instead and if I notice I am being negative, I pull myself up on it
- Selling my 104 balls of extra and not needed yarn on eBay (now I can buy more :-P  kidding)

Gratitude's/Things that make me happy:
- Andy and Moo
- Crochet
- Being happy and out of hospital


Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
- It's okay to feel not okay and just sit with the emotion instead of acting on in a negative way
- Telling myself that I am normal, happy, beautiful and caring and really believing those things

 Wrist warmers I am making... can't wait to finish them

Hope you all have a lovely weekend. Have fun and don't forget, if you are struggling, baby steps!

*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, June 1, 2012

Is it just me...

... or are we losing a lot of people to other sites like facebook for example or are we just living our lives. It seems no one posts anymore. I really miss the day that my hour before I went to work was filled with fantactally trying to get through all the posts that were up that morning and sometimes I had the same amount that night too. Or maybe it's me, maybe I need to be searching out other blogs like mine and start following more than I am. Anyway, it's food for thought.

*hugs*
Sarah