Friday, July 27, 2012

I am happy...

that I am home... i am happy because i like them, just not their messes... i like that I am free from the restraints put on me by certain people... i am happy because I am going shopping today for fun... i am happy that I am mostly coping, even though it takes a lot of people to get me there, my treatment team... i am happy that when I do get permanent housing, I will have Moo... i am happy that Moo likes my bean bag more than she likes Andy's right now, ha! i am happy because tomorrow I am meeting Andy and we are going to take photos together and I am glad we are still good friends... i am happy because my lamictal is back in my system and it is working... i am happy :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, July 23, 2012

Just wanted to say...

I know that I haven't been good reading blogs and commenting of late. I have had so much stuff happen that it has literally stopped my motivation in even writing a post. I have to even keep stopping because I have nothing happening inside my head, just sit there and stare into space. I'll be in bed early tonight. I had some sensory issues today, light being too bright, almost loud and noise so loud that the noise in my head was compounding it. They gave me some zyprexa and I fell asleep but when I woke up I was so out of it. Anyway, must go, hope you are all okay!!

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, July 22, 2012

And the moral of the story is...

So before I went into hospital I reduced my lamictal from 150mg to 100 and then told my doc I couldn't afford them but I really could. Oh boy did I pay. First I got manic, then I crashed. Needless to say not to mess with your meds. I did do it for the cost to start with but then I just didn't want to be on it. I'm going back on it as of now and I re-did my budget so I can afford it. I was giving myself too much spending money. The moral of the story, where there's z will there's a way!!!!

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Today's the day

Today is the day that I move most of my things from Andy's house to my mum's. The awesome thing is that Andy and I are getting on really well as friends. We had heaps of fun packing on Tuesday. It is a sad thing to mostly completely move out. Some things will have to go later, like boxes and stuff. But for now, just the furniture, not much and as many boxes as possible. It's trying to untangle a spider's web. We have been so dependant on each other for so long that it's going to be hard for a long time. 

I don't have much to say these days. I find the words get stuck in my throat. I will post when I can. I will see how I later.

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, July 12, 2012

I will not do this!

I have been doing some of my old eating disorder behaviours to feel more in control. Today I saw my interim doctor and she was horrified when I told her I had drunk 4 bottles of 750ml (6.36 pints) of water to stop the hunger. She told me that she has to check my sodium level to make sure it's not too low and to not drink so much. She also said I could continue to not eat, where they would have to monitor my food and add fortisips (which are replacement meal drinks). I choose to not give my power away, I choose to eat and I choose to live. I am not going to do this to myself. I get pain when I eat but that will go away eventually and I'll be back to being me :)

*hugs*
Sarah

what's up?

So not much has changed since I last posted. Although I have been put back in hospital because of the lamictal, wishing to self-harm and my eating. I think they finally get it that I can't afford to take the lamictal and that I don't have anyone to pay for it for me. I just want off of the damn thing. I think increasing my seroquel-xr from 800mg to 1000mg might be the way to go and/or an increase in abilify. Both really good drugs for me.

The other thing they watching is my eating because I am not really. I am good at moving the food around the plate and having a few bites but I seriously am not hungry from all this Andy stuff. I think they are going to start weighing me soon and giving me fortesips, which I have been told are gross.So

So here I sit at 6am waiting for the boring day to start. I am on cat 2, which means I can only go out with a friend or family member. Kinda sucks because my mum has been on night duty last night and tonight and she'll be wiped out. Oh well, hope you are all safe and well :)

*hugs*
Sarah

Sunday, July 8, 2012

the ugly truth of it

The last week has been pretty awful. I am horribly lonely and my eating disorder has reared its ugly head again. I hate to say it but, as eating disorders go, I find a certain comfort in it. Control. That's what it's about, control. I have no control over anything right now and my doctor is away for another week. I also cut down my lamictal because I can't afford it. In Australia, if you are on what is called the PBS and have a concession card, most prescriptions are $5.80 if you qualify for the disorder it's meant for. I am on a lot of medication, not all psych and $5.80 is awesome. Lamictal is only on the PBS for epilepsy in Australia, so I have to pay $70 for 56 tablets. I know I am lucky that I can get my other meds but because I am on about 12 meds all up, it eats away at you money and I get disability, so I have all my other expenses too, phone both mobile and home landline, electricity, food etc. Anyway I am losing my point. Jane, Dr D's replacement while she is away, is awesome and she spoke to me on Friday about increasing my lamictal back up by 25mg this week coming and then 25mg the next week until I see my Dr D but I just don't want to. I want to wait until I see Dr D and see what she has to say. I want off it and we will just have to adjust the rest of my meds. I guess we'll have to just wait and see.

As for my living arrangements, they are less that ordinary. It's yucky here and one housemate leaves the doors unlocked all the time. I had a very bad Friday and I haven't got any support until I go back to Stepping Stone on Monday. Anyway, that's me for now. Hope you are all going okay. I haven't had the motivation to read posts, so I am sorry, but I will get to it soon. Break ups are painful and I've never had one before, so it's extra painful. Andy and I are still friends but it's a little awkward and next weekend he is having the girl he cheated with me on over for a 'sex fest'. She just better not touch my stuff. I still have a lot of stuff there because I have nowhere to store stuff and Andy is okay with storing it in the study that was mine until mum can get it moved to her house. Now that is really me, I am off, be safe to all.

*hugs*
Sarah

Monday, July 2, 2012

my new house

I know I said I hated it here but it ain't too bad. This is just a quick post before I get ready to go out and besides, my fingers are freezing. So thought I'd show you a couple of pics.

This is my house here, you can see my bedroom windows are on the left

This is my room from the door inwards, it ain't too bad :)

Just have to wish for less messy housemates :-/

*hugs*
Sarah