Saturday, October 27, 2012

Moo, for you!

Well it got out of control, my eating disorder that is. It's the first time that I've been admitted because of that and I'm not too happy about it but hey, I want to get well. I didn't get too thin but my doctor was worried about me because my clothes were starting to hang off of me. I get her point. So I have to eat all meals and then ensure to get more calories. I actually like the ensures, weird hey. This is just going to be a short post because I am freezing my arse off here. I haven't been doing much lately. Just hanging around.

In other news Moo got approved to live with me December, YAY. It's what's keeping me going. I love that little furball so much. I want to get this under control now, instead of getting really really sick while she is living with me. My dad is making one of those huge cat tree/scratching posts that has tree levels and a little hidey hole for her to climb in and hide from the world, though I am sure she will end up on the bed a lot in the long run anyway. I think the photo of her that I put in the application might have helped because my apartment manager seemed to melt when she saw her.

Who could resist that, well I know I am bias but she is the most gorgeous girl in my eyes. So I am getting better for Moo.

Have a good day/night, wherever you are the world.

Monday, October 15, 2012

wow, two days in a row

Thank you to those of you who commented in my last post. I have missed you all so much, but have just got too get in the swing things to acutally start reading posts and posting. For some reason I can't post from my ipad or iphone, it just doesn't recognising them and brings up an error message, grr. I must admit and I am being honest, that I am letting my ED take over my life right now. I am taken by the 'numbers' and I know I need help with this. I tried to talk to my psychologist about it but she shut me down. I wish I was still seeing Lucy in a way because she would address it directly. I need help but Emma just says I am bigger than this and moves on. It's frustrating. I see my psychiatrist today and I am hoping that she will talk to Lucy and we can work something out. The sucky thing is that I can't see Lucy and my dietitian at the same time :(

I also have Sue today, who is my outreach support person from the hospital I have often gone to but no more. I can only get Moo if I proove that I can stay out of hospital between now and Christmas. Andy said that if I really needed to go after that then he would come and pick her up until I got home. I will never do to Moo what I did to Sabby. Sabby was a gorgeous boy who loved to be picked up and smooched but I left him alone so much that he ended up with an anxiety disorder and he would lick his fur until it came out. I felt so guilty for long after I had to put him to sleep. I had yelled at him that night (it makes me cry just thinking about it) because he was sick and he'd pooed and vomitted all over my bed. I was done, he was suffering but I will never forgive myself for yelling at him not two hours before putting him to sleep. Moo will never get that treatment. She is going to be my little princess. I love her so much and I find it hard to wait until Christmas time. I have got to fight this battle for her and for me.



Sunday, October 14, 2012

I hope to stop it

A lot has happened since I last posted. I lost a lot of weight, mainly due to the break up with Andy, not eating the rich food that he would make every nice and the portion sizes I had and falling back into my eating disordered behaviour. I'm not going to reveal the amount of weight I dropped or the what I weigh now in case of triggering someone. Let's just say my dietitian had a 'number' in mind that I could be between this weight and this weight and I dropped to the bottom weight and now I am under that. I know she will give me a maintenance diet or worst still a put on wight diet, it scares the shit out of me and then my logical side says... whoa, you are in dangerous territory here, you can either go done, stay the same or go up. I think I'd like to stay the same, which is really only a small amount under. I have to keep it in check, to monitor the ED thoughts and behaviours and I will. I don't want to go through all that again and end up on the eating disorders program at the hospital I go to on now and then.

The other thing is too and I'm am really surprised, is that at my age (38) I am going through menopause. It sucks big time because I get so hot and sometimes I get night sweats during the night and soak both my pyjamas and my sheets and have to get up and change them. Mum went through it and 39 and my grandmother at 42, of course I had to try and beat them ;-)

Okay, now for some good stuff. I was living in a horrible house. It was really awful. I hated it so much that I often would cry in my room because of it all and it was only temporary. So, I applied for permanent housing in this gorgeous building called Common Ground and it's for people that are in temporary housing, are homeless or are low income earners. I got accepted and I have a studio apartment and I am happy I now have my own space and even better, I can have Moo (my cat). So I thought I'd share some photos of my new place.

Obviously the bathroom
My bedroom and lounge room area
The kitchen and laundry area
The view to the left - my city
The view to the right

The awesome thing is that it's so secure. You can only get in with a swipe card for the building, the lift and then the apartment itself. I do feel safe most of the time, except when this one guy is around in the lobby area because he often has fights with people, like actual fights, not just verbal. I just keep away from him.

I'm going to go now, hope you are all travelling along okay. Sorry for the lack of posts but I have allot going on right now. Be happy, be safe :)