It has been a while indeed. Today I'm feeling okay so far, not too bad, not like yesterday. Yesterday I had four panic attacks trying to get myself to CBT and get myself to stay there. It was horrible. I was trying all the excuses under the sun, but Sarah, one of the group therapists wouldn't let me 'check out'. I have found out recently that I suffer from sever avoidant behaviour. Everyone seemed to know but me and this was key to figuring out one of the hugest problems I have. I also got re-diagnosed from bipolar and borderline personality disorder to bipolar and complex PTSD. I don't know what difference that would make but I like that the BPD label isn't on me anymore.
I love CBT by the way would you believe. I hate going and the process is agonising, but I am learning so much about myself. I am remembering what I am learning and I actually really like Christian and Sarah, the therapists. Soon Christian will be leaving and we'll have Kurt. I met him yesterday and I really liked him. I'll miss Christian though. After all the panic attacks, the begging to go home and such, I then saw Emma my psychologist. She was awesome and I felt heaps better having talked to her. I get really tired though after seeing her because it's after five hours of CBT and I'm zonked out after that anyway. Yesterday though I felt energised after seeing Emma because I was proud that I 'stayed' and sat in my emotions.
Dov and I are going strong. Today actually my divorce from Andy goes to court, although I am not required to attend and neither does he because we aren't contesting anything and there are no children, just a large assortment of plush toys :-P I also haven't been in hospital for six weeks and counting. I am really excited about that and although there have been times when I really did want to go, I knew it was because I was being avoidant and not that I actually needed to go. Dr D often asks me 'do you need to come in' and I always go 'NO'. I am trying really hard to just be. To understand that my emotions will come and go and sometimes they are going to be bloody hard and I have to sit with it or I'll never learn to be okay with myself. I am used to 'checking out'. I am used to taking the easy path but I don't want to anymore. I want to be present and try and shift some of these core beliefs I have about myself like, 'I'm not worthy' and 'I must be perfect'.
The 'I must be perfect' one is the hardest to deal with. Dov realised a while ago that my mother has completely fucked me up during my childhood. My brother Chris and I got together a while ago and we realised that he can remember my childhood stuff and I can remember his but we can't remember much of our own. He remembered that on his fifth birthday he watch mum bang my head against the wall and one time I remembered that she kicked him in the stomach after knocking him off his chair. We don't remember these things. But being perfect means being very tidy. On Friday last week I had mum's partner bring a couch for me, mum's old one and I was so freaking out that Ken would tell her that I was untidy that I cleaned everything. Cleaning is what I do to relieve the anxiety. It drives me nuts. Oh and knitting and crochet of course.
Anyway I am going to go and knit for a bit. It's supposed to be a beautiful day. I hope all is well in your world. I am glad I finally made it here. Was kinda avoiding coming. Funny that!