Thursday, May 30, 2013

Crash

I am in hospital. After realising that I will not be able to have a baby due to not being able to come off the lithium without becoming unwell, I realised that my chances were up. I am getting to the too old stage now and then Dov and I decided on a commitment ceremony instead of getting married. I fell apart. I got really depressed and just grieving for everything. I feel so sad and guilty about the baby stuff, that my body has betrayed me. I couldn't even go off of one lithium tablet without becoming unwell. I am so disappointed. What can I say really. It's just so sad to me.  I love Dov with my whole heart and at least I have him. Thank the gods for that!

Sarah xx

Monday, May 27, 2013

surprised

I am surprised at the moment. Dov and I haven't been communicating very well in the last few days and yesterday we both realised that we don't want to go through with trying to have a baby. We both felt that but didn't tell the other and then when it did come out we both felt this huge amount of relief. It was because I was so worried he'd be devastated, so I just went along with it. He felt the same. I am so glad we talked.

We also wouldn't have been able to live where we are if I fell pregnant and both of us came here out of homelessness and we didn't want to give up our security of this place and we can live here married as well, which is awesome. What a weight lifted off and I think it effected my mood too quite dramatically. I feel stronger now. Awesomeness :-)

Sarah xx

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Memories

Or should I say lack thereof! I started giving Dov a bit of a hard time last night by teasing him and he eventually told me to stop and that it wasn't funny anymore. He asked me if I had been told to be perfect as a child because all my teasing is around cleaning and when something isn't perfect. In the end we left it but I thought about it later and I said to Dov that I was treated like that. He asked me about memories of being perfect and I was able to come up with some but I realised that there are some holes in my memories. I only remember one birthday while I was growing up. Weird. I never really thought like that before. I've always really lived in my head, in that I lived in Sarah's planet inside. It helped and maybe that's why I don't have many memories because I was always inside.

Sarah xx

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Just want to feel happy

I am finding the mornings lately really hard to cope with. Each morning comes with its own set of challenges and sometimes it's just easy to sleep through part of it. I often feel anxious and teary and I worry about what will happen on Wednesday when I go down off of the Abilify.

I know these feelings will soon pass though and by late morning the feelings have pretty much gone away. It is still very unsettling though and I really don't like feeling like that. Today I just slept through it after taking 50mg seroquel when the anxiety got too high. When I woke up I did feel better and I'm just hoping that tomorrow I get some relief from it. I hope! Keep your fingers crossed for me anyway. I'd like a day off from it.

Sarah xx

Friday, May 24, 2013

So angry

I don't know even why I am as angry as I am but I've just been cleaning my apartment and well, I'm glad no one heard the swear words that came out of my mouth. I want to kick something, punch something, anything. Grrrr! I'm pissed that I can't. Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck! I think I'm in for a joyous day! Not. No one even think "just go with the emotion" cos I might just have to scream :-/

Sarah xx

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Wow!

So it has been quite a ride so far this week. I have been moody due to the med changes but coping with it as best as possible. I saw my doc yesterday and she since we are only keeping the seroquel-xr, she decided to put that up by 50mg to try and sustain my mood a little better without putting anything else up. We really do not need a lithium increase right now! Next week I will be off the Abilify, which I am hoping is not too horrible. Fingers crossed.

I must say that I am so happy that I am coping fine for once. I am pleasantly surprised. I didn't know before I started on this road to change that I could actually do it. In the last 14 weeks I have only been in hospital for 5 days, which has got to be a record of late and it was to withdraw off of Valium. The other day I got the rest of my Valium and threw it in the huge rubbish bin. Then I rang the pharmacy and told them to destroy the rest. That was an awesome and scary moment knowing I couldn't convince anyone to give me another prescription. It really was a leap of faith and a really great moment for me! Proud of me :-)

Sarah xx

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

not liking me sometimes

Yesterday was a tricky day for me. I don't know why on earth but I was picking on Dov a bit and it got to a stage where I could see he was hurt. I felt like crap. So we talked about it and I realised that when I am like that I am being very much like my mum. I don't mean to do and I don't like who I can be when I do it but I do do it. It will most likely rear its ugly head again at some point, though I hope not for a long time. It was over really petty things too, like he was crossing the road without me or he had mustard on his mouth or he or he or he or he!!!!! I was the one who pulled myself up on it. We sorted it out, though I felt really insecure the rest of the day.

This morning Dov asked me to give him lots of hugs today because he is feeling really emotional and so I asked if it was about anything in particular and he said no. I will definitely give him the biggest hugs because I do still feel like I need to make up for yesterday but I know he doesn't think that.

Today I am supposed to go off the abilify and I am so torn between wanting to just get off it and wanting to wait a week. I don't know what to do. I have two and a half hour before I see my psychiatrist so I have that time to think. Part of me just wants to get it over with. I think I should check with Dov too, as he might not be able to handle another withdrawal this week on top of what we have already had.

I hope it all goes well for me today as I am sick of the roller coaster of the past few weeks. I am also really worried about my grandmother as she is very ill right now and has decided time has come. My mum is over there in the UK with her right now and she told me last night to write to her as it will most likely be my last chance to do that. It makes me really sad to think of her not here anymore. I would regret it though if I didn't take the time to write to her and so that will be my task today. It won't be easy. I hate goodbye's even if there are only implied.

Wish me luck today!

Sarah xx

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

withdrawals

Yesterday I just thought I was in an odd mood, but towards the middle of the morning I realised I was feeling really distant from everything and I was awfully quiet, not like me at all. It just went on and on. Then I went to meet a friend and I talked about how I was feeling about my relationship with Dov and generally how I was and all of a sudden I started to come out of it and I realised that I had actually still being withdrawing from the lithium. I thought stupidly that when the physical withdrawals (the shacking and the headaches) that that would be that... uhm... no!

I got home from seeing my friend and it was like I just snapped out of it and boom it was gone and I hugged Dov and said that I felt better and he was really relieved. He told me that he thought it would go on longer than that but was relieved that it was over in any case. I know I will find this happen in the future when I come off of more of my drugs but the good thing is that I am aware that it is likely to happy again and acknowledge that, wait for it, get to it before it gets to me.

Last night I came off of oxazepam completely after tapering down the dose. I am meant to go off of Abilify tomorrow, not sure if I want more withdrawals this week, so might ask my doc to postpone it to next week. I want off it but after yesterday, well, yeah, just want to slow down and do it at my pace. I don't have to be off this shit until November now, so I have time to slow it down.

I have an appointment with my GP today to discuss the results of some blood tests, joy! I have to break the news to him that Dov and I aren't rushing into trying to have a baby, that if we can't have one, we weren't meant to. I'm sure he is going to try and talk me around but surely several months won't make a huge difference and like I said, if we can't we can't and we are okay with that.

Today I am going to try and try and try to make some cards. Because of my mood yesterday I just wasn't up for it. I had inspiration but no motivation. I kept looking at all my stuff and going UGH! So with that in mind I am going to try and at least make one by nightfall. Wish me luck.

On that note it's breakfast time here in Oz, so wherever you are in the world, have a good day/night :)

Sarah xx

Monday, May 20, 2013

Funny mood

I think my body is really readjusting to the drop in lithium as I have woken up in a really weird mood today. I am not in a talkative mood like normal, but am very reflective and contemplative. It's not a bad thing, just different. I feel okay though but I hope it doesn't hang around as I am not overly happy feeling like this. Damn drugs and what they do to our bodies and minds! I just really don't know who is under all of this when the drugs are gone. I've been on so much for so long that I feel like I've lost touch with the real me! I hope I can get her back okay!

Sarah xx

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Feelings and medication

Have you ever wondered if when you take medication, how it is really effecting your true emotions and mood/feelings? The reason I asked is because I am pretty sensitive to my feelings and my mood and today I sort of ended up in a cranky mood. I'm not normally a cranky person and I wondered if the drop of the lithium dose was the problem as I am so sensitive to that drug. I was walking into the city with Dov and everything was pissing me off. So I started talking about it and we decided that I just had to go with it and sit with it.

I bought a new 4mm circular knitting needle and then when I got home realised I had lost it. I was so disappointed. I raced out and tracked back my steps but it was gone, so I amazingly for me, let it go. I would normally race of and end up buying a new one but instead I turned around and made myself go home an accept the loss and instead use my straight needles which I really didn't want to do. In the end it turned out for the best and I was even proud of myself for not getting angry and impulsive. So now I am feeling happy but still a little sad I lost my new purchase, it would have been fun!

Sarah xx

it always comes back to here

How many times have I created an old blog only to want to come back here? Well the creating is always fun, but half the time I don't keep the blog and I think the new one I created is going to have the same thing happen. I love THIS blog and I have worked so hard on it. I can always change it and make it look different, a new look but I will most likely always come back here. So here I am again, back here :)

So what's new? I am now off of one lithium tablet, I was taking three. My doc is getting me off my meds slowly over the course of the next four months. It was only going to be two months but all the wedding stuff got pushed forward to January after both Dov and I really wanted to wait and save more money and have what we wanted. We were both getting really stressed out and we both didn't realise that the other felt the same until I bought it up. Anyway, after coming off of one lithium, I'm not looking forward to getting off of the rest and the rest seems a lot:

500mg Lithium (going off of)
10mg Abilify (going off of)
400mg Epilum (going off of)
5mg Zyprexa (going off of)
7.5mg Oxazepam (going off of)
400mg Seroquel-XR (going on a higher dose)
 
No wonder I was a zombie before, holy shit, that's a lot of tablets to be going off of and I've already gone off of Lamictal and Diazepam and normal seroquel but the 100mg tablets and most of the Oxazepam. How I ended up on all of this who knows but even down to what I am now I feel very alert and happy. My psychologist on Friday asked if I was wearing make up because she said not only did I look really well but I was glowing, which was nice.
 
Today has just started for me over here in Oz but I'm sure most of you will be enjoying (or not) your Friday night! It's very clear over here this morning too and it's going to be a nice day but cool. It's still not really autumn here, autumn seems to have gone missing somewhere. Have a great day/night, wherever you are in the world :-)
 
*hugs*
Sarah

Friday, May 17, 2013

New Blog

Well I started a new blog and I have decided to not close this as it has been very good for me at times. It has helped me reach out to you all when I didn't know what to do or where to turn and I want to say thank you to those of you who do read and also those who then comment too. So thanks. I will pop back here from time to time but I'd really like to have a 'clean' space, if you know what I mean. So here is the address of the new blog http://115daysandmore.blogspot.com.au/. I'll probably post there a lot more than here but like I said, I will be back here too.

*hugs*
Sarah

Thursday, May 16, 2013

I don't know where to start...

What a difference a year makes. Last year was really rough! I had my marriage breakdown and I was hospitalised countless times because I couldn't cope with life. Fast forward a year and I am happy. I have dealt with my addiction to Valium and have removed it from my home. i am off of lamictal, 100mg seroquel tablets and oxazepam.

Dov and I are going really strong and we are actually going to get married. In human terms we haven't been officially together for too long but in that time we have spent days and days getting to know each other and it just feels like he fills that empty hole up that I had in my heart. I feel whole again and with him I am so calm.

My doc is so happy that she is taking me off a bunch of medication. I started going off of lithium yesterday. I go off of Abilify next week and then more lithium. She wants to get me down to seroquel-XR only.

After the wedding which is later in this year, we are going to try for a family. My doc has seen the most amazing change in me and has been fully supportive. My psychologist also was completely supportive after seeing me so well yesterday. She asked if I was wearing make up and I said no and she said, you look so well, you are glowing. My doc said that it's nice to work with me rather than for me. It is nice.

My weight is stable too. I have given up artificial sweetener, skim milk and fizzy diet drinks for a start. Instead having raw sugar and mineral waters and plain water.

I am going to be starting another blog right from scratch I think. It will be my journeys through happiness. My wedding stuff and all that comes after. I am no longer a lunatic and this blog will always show the well but also the sick me. I think a new start is a great idea. I will let you all know my new blog when it is ready to go.

Thanks for reading and be safe, happy and well! A huge hello to new readers, thanks for joining us!!!

I love living! Awesomeness :)

*hugs*
Sarah