Sunday, August 25, 2013

Hallucinations

I've had some scary experiences since I was on here last. I have been taking Gabapentin for neuropathic nerve pain since 2009 for the pain I get in my neck and head. When I went to my specialist a few weeks ago, he took me off of it because the hospital is no longer offering the Gabapentin and instead was going on Pregabalin, which is a better but next generation drug of Gabapentin. Anyway, through his advice I went to my GP and asked for the Pregabalin (or Lyrica as as it is also called). I had no trouble getting it but we wondered how I was going to go from one to the other, I couldn't remember what my specialist had said about this. We agreed that I would ween off it over a week and then take the Lyrica. Afterwards though I remembered that my pain doc had said I could just stop one one day and start the other the next. So I did. Famous last words.

The day after I finished the Gabapentin I felt weird, like I was moving when I stayed still, nausea too. I was unsteady on my feet. The big one came though that night. I heard Dov on the phone organising a drug deal and he was talking really low and when I moved he said he had to go. I was so pissed off and confronted him about it right away. He said he promised that he didn't make the call and told me to check his call history on his phone. I still didn't believe him but let him think I had taken his word for it.

At 11pm that night I woke up to the smell of urine and I was horrified to think that Dov would pee himself in bed and just lay there and not care. I grabbed all my stuff and went back to my place. The next morning I was going to confront him about both issues again and when I did he showed me his call history, only I had phoned him or he phoned me. Then I realised that if he had peed himself, it would still have smelt the next morning and would have shown on his pajama pants. I hallucinated. I was really freaked it. It was so so real. Especially the phone call.

I went straight back to my GP who said that I had done everything way too fast. He also said he wanted me to have someone with me pretty much all the time. I came home and told the nurse here what happened and she said she would be with me when she could when Dov wasn't with me and so would the social workers. I am so lucky to have them in my apartment building. Yesterday I had a huge freak out and had to stay with the nurse for a bit. When Dov came back I was fine. I have learnt my lesson. No cold turkey of anything unless I am coming off it because of really bad side effects and only if my docs say so. You live and learn!

Thank you for all of you out there in cyberspace that takes the time to read these posts. It's you that keep me wanting to write, even if it's not all the time. I can't believe it's August. Summer is on it's way for me. Joy! Sarcasm. It gets so hot here and it's already been really hot. Like I said, joy!

Take special care
Sarah xx

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

it's been a while shall I say

It has been a while indeed. Today I'm feeling okay so far, not too bad, not like yesterday. Yesterday I had four panic attacks trying to get myself to CBT and get myself to stay there. It was horrible. I was trying all the excuses under the sun, but Sarah, one of the group therapists wouldn't let me 'check out'. I have found out recently that I suffer from sever avoidant behaviour. Everyone seemed to know but me and this was key to figuring out one of the hugest problems I have. I also got re-diagnosed from bipolar and borderline personality disorder to bipolar and complex PTSD. I don't know what difference that would make but I like that the BPD label isn't on me anymore.

I love CBT by the way would you believe. I hate going and the process is agonising, but I am learning so much about myself. I am remembering what I am learning and I actually really like Christian and Sarah, the therapists. Soon Christian will be leaving and we'll have Kurt. I met him yesterday and I really liked him. I'll miss Christian though. After all the panic attacks, the begging to go home and such, I then saw Emma my psychologist. She was awesome and I felt heaps better having talked to her. I get really tired though after seeing her because it's after five hours of CBT and I'm zonked out after that anyway. Yesterday though I felt energised after seeing Emma because I was proud that I 'stayed' and sat in my emotions.

Dov and I are going strong. Today actually my divorce from Andy goes to court, although I am not required to attend and neither does he because we aren't contesting anything and there are no children, just a large assortment of plush toys :-P  I also haven't been in hospital for six weeks and counting. I am really excited about that and although there have been times when I really did want to go, I knew it was because I was being avoidant and not that I actually needed to go. Dr D often asks me 'do you need to come in' and I always go 'NO'. I am trying really hard to just be. To understand that my emotions will come and go and sometimes they are going to be bloody hard and I have to sit with it or I'll never learn to be okay with myself. I am used to 'checking out'. I am used to taking the easy path but I don't want to anymore. I want to be present and try and shift some of these core beliefs I have about myself like, 'I'm not worthy' and 'I must be perfect'.

The 'I must be perfect' one is the hardest to deal with. But being perfect means being very tidy. On Friday last week I had mum's partner bring a couch for me, mum's old one and I was so freaking out that Ken would tell her that I was untidy that I cleaned everything. Cleaning is what I do to relieve the anxiety. It drives me nuts. Oh and knitting and crochet of course.

Anyway I am going to go and knit for a bit. It's supposed to be a beautiful day. I hope all is well in your world. I am glad I finally made it here. Was kinda avoiding coming. Funny that!

Sarah xx