Saturday, February 8, 2014

I'm a drug addict

There is no other way to say that but the truth. I'm psychologically addicted the 'drugged out' feeling I get on seroquel. Yesterday I took 500mg extra. The day before it was 800mg. You may be asking me why I am sharing this with you, well it's be because once upon a time Sarah only had 25mg and it made her sleep for hours. 1200mg now in a day doesn't faze me and I take it with Valium sometimes too. I was so out of the other day that downstairs I was waiting to speak to social worker and I was sitting on what I call the lounge pods which are big flat round lounges with no backs at all. Emma told me to go to bed, it was only 12pm.

I wish I knew how to make myself want to chase that feeling all the time of being drugged and sleeping. During one spout I slept for three hours yesterday and in the afternoon for one. I am seeing a drug and alcohol counselor on Monday and I'm hoping that will help me with other addictions too. My psychiatrist believes I have a spending addiction because when I am awake I only think about what I want to buy and it keeps me awake at night going over and over the lists and I make notes in my phone to buy whatever it was on Monday. I guess at least I can say the words, I'm a drug addict. It was so hard to admit at first. Now it's not comfortable but it's okay, it's safe to say in this place where there is so much support.

I guess if there was anything I could say to you all, it's that if you want that drugged out feelings try and distract yourself from the 'thought'. It's not an emotion, it's a though. Here are some mindfulness help cards I use them sometimes (yes sometimes) and they sometimes work. I made them a long time ago and I have posted these before but a long time ago in 2010 when I was I was doing DBT and they do seriously work you try them. If you try them. I'm so lazy that have the time they work and have the time they do nothing.

I know these sound really stupid but they do really work when you are committed to trying them, included. The other thing is to journal everything and anything. I choose to write and to cartoon my day and I find it helps. That's all I can manage right now but I hope one day to go back to these cards and work with them. I hope I can!

Sarah xx

1 comment:

The Girl said...

I used to be the same way from Seroquel... can't take it anymore for this reason. I love that you are doing what you can to divert your attention, such a hard thing to do!