Tuesday, June 3, 2014


Well you know how things go pear shaped, well they did for me - big time. I became psychotic after Dov's drug habit got out of hand. Didn't know if I shared that or not. He has been smoking pot for a long time, too long but it shot up some speed about four weeks ago now, wow, how time flies. I got really upset about it and angry, but also suspicious because I told the support workers here about it and I was convinced that the drug dealers were going to murder Dov as a message to me to 'shut' the fuck up! It was so scary that I couldn't talk to anyone that day. Anyway, they went on and on until I thought I was is such mortal danger that I was putting Cali in danger too. In the end I was too unwell and got shipped off to hospital for 10 days, though you know what, I can't really remember what happened while I was in hospital. Just that I was there and then I wasn't.

I got home from hospital and I noticed two things, a box of valium and a box of seroquel. I did a silent 'yes' and took some valium. I know I have a drug problem, but one and a half weeks later I was admitting to the nurse that works where I live that I had had 31 valium, 25 seroquel and 7 olanzapine over the past week and a half. I had also self harmed and burnt my toe accidentally which is what she was dressing when I told her. She said 'well let's go up to your room and I will take the valium and give it to the weekly nurse'. So she did and I have 19 valium somewhere downstairs. I also have to admit it to Dr D today, she didn't know about the valilum. She won't be happy. They are now talking about installing a metal locker in my bathroom that is quite small and lockable and leaving the drugs in there and the nurses keeping the key but coming up and giving it to me if my neck gets sore.

There were two other reasons I think I got unwell. One day I forgot to take my medication and my uni assessments were all coming in and I was under so much stress. I did my oral presentation, which I was so proud of because I have never done one before at uni, I got out of them all and went to hospital instead. I had two more assessments, one easy - a reflection journal - very much the style of writing I do in here, so I did that easy and had it in the day the last section of it was released to us and then I had a horrible essay that was a second draft from and earlier submission. I had an extension for it but I was so proud of myself again when I got it in on Sunday because it meant it was the day before it was due for everyone, go me!!! It also meant I had finished that unit! Woohoo!

Then I got sick - no one was surprised but me - no one could understand me on the phone. Today I sound much better and breathing and smelling is so much easier.

Yesterday (Monday) I started my second unit at uni - Writing, Rhetoric and Persuasion - I am liking it so far and lucky for me am up to date so far but OH MY GOSH the first lecture was so boring. I was falling asleep in my seat and I was at home, thank god I wasn't there, how embarrassment. I really do like online study but you do at times need so much motivation because you don't have a physical in front of you lecturer telling you to do this or that or whatever.

Anyway, the other exciting things are that Cali and I have been 'cat and staff member' for 3 1/2 months. She is beautiful. I am getting a new bed, yay, but oh fuck it's expensive. I'm getting it on the 12th June. Dov and I are back on track and are going really really well. My sessions with Jonathan, the drug and alcohol counselor are going really well, instead of a slip or lapse, we both reckon I had a full blown relapse. Yes well! What can I say.

Here is one of Cali's obsessions:
When she doesn't get her way

The destruction and I have many more boxes like this on my floor :)

Sarah xx


Borderline Lil said...

I'm so relieved to hear you are back on track Sairs. I was worried when you hadn't posted for a while. It's so good that the place you live has supervision if you need it. I have to be real careful with my Valium and seroquel too, they are great but sooooo easy to overuse. Lots of love and hugs to you, Dov and Cali. Isn't it funny how kitties love boxes! xxxxxxx

Jacqueline Hough said...

I am glad to hear that you are doing well. Cali is so cute. Much luck and love to you!!!