Sunday, January 26, 2014

2:30am

I got home from hospital fine and I feel really happy within myself. It was awesome last night when Dov and I snuggled up, trying to stay cool from the heat, but at the same time not wanting to let each other go. I realised just how much damage I have done. Before I went to hospital I was obsessed with eBay and spent all my time over at his place on my iPad looking at eBay. Last night I didn't, I really engaged him like I used to before I fell into that rut. Last night before I went to sleep I deleted my eBay account and I am so proud of myself for doing so as I had a large number of 100% positive feedback items. I didn't even hesitate though and I removed the apps off both my iPad and my phone. No more I say. I am not going to leave him feeling alone when I am right there. It was a nice change. I sat with him on the couch and we laughed at the TV and just had fun. I hope more nights are spent like this rather than chasing something that isn't even alive.

Sarah xx

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Trail of distruction

Well I didn't see a lot of it coming but now everyone is telling me of all the things that they could see happening while I was manic. I am just looking at all the mess I have to clean up. People I have to humbly apologise to because of things I said to them or didn't say to them. I think of the big things that has helped me has been my cartooning. I will actually copy a page and pop one up for you all as my drawing is much better than when I started.

So I am going to drop uni. Everyone, mum, Dr D, Dov and a few more really don't want me to do it and now I am wavering on it too, so no study for this year. Oh well, I can look at other avenues. It's not the end of the world, except for the $333 I borrowed from them and will have to pay back in full, which I can't. Ugh. The load seemed like such a good idea at the time.

I am really doing to do a drawing course or cartooning. That would be great. I think that is what is being suggested. I would like that actually. Anyway, I'm off to hunt down drawing courses. I will try and do that cartoon picture later.

Sarah xx

Friday, January 17, 2014

Frustration galore

I am so annoyed right now. I have been trying to add a new lot of 10 random photos here and do you think it will let me. Well I think you all know the answer to that. It's driving me nuts, well more nuts that I already am. So anyway I am still in hospital and I am restricted to the hospital, mean I'm not allowed past the front doors. I am hoping that will change when I see my doctor today. It was hard seeing Dov yesterday and then having him go again. It was awful. I think my doctor will let me go out on what they call a cat 1. That is where you can go out when you want for the allowed hours your doctor says. I am on a cat 3, restricted to the hospital. Though they let me bend the rules a bit because since in here we can have our mobile phones, I can't get a signal in here and so I can go on the front steps but no further. Drives me nuts actually. It's like a big black hole of signal access. So this was just a quick note, I will have another go at the photos but I won't hold my breath. And that would be a nope - *sigh*

Sarah xx

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Hospital and honesty

Well I am back in hospital and I don't know how long for. I miss Dov like crazy. I had to be really honest with my doctor. I was pretty much listening to what she said and then I'd agree and when I left and sometimes even before I left, I would disregard all that she had told me. I thought she was going to fire me because she said that I was untreatable. I got really upset and begged her not to dismiss me.

I realised that I finally had to be honest with her and not tell her what she wanted to hear and then go out and blatantly just do it anyway. I feel really bad that she felt like this and I can see that this has been going on for over six months or more. I have to be present and willing to try from now on, otherwise it will keep getting worse. I also don't want my doctor to give up on me. I feel really awful but it's made me realise I can do this, I just have to give it a go and do what I say I am going to do, for my treating team and for myself most of all.

Sarah xx

Friday, January 10, 2014

Bankruptcy and other less important things

So blah to the world at the moment. I have to go bankrupt because of too many things I have to pay that I can't pay and it's scary. I don't know about all of you but in Australia, you cannot get credit usually for five to seven years after you file for bankruptcy. It's a huge decision to make. I'll see how I go. I know they will take away my computer because the contract on it is only four months old. Blah again.

In other news I have started my new zine. It's going slowly but it's great. It's half cartoon and half written and it will hopefully be ready sometime in February. I have enrolled in my one course I am doing in semester one this year for uni Introduction to Psychological Science and Society. I started this course last year but freaked out and quit at the last minute before fees were due.

Oh yeah I finished the shawl I was making. All I have to do is weave in all the loose ends from adding new balls of yarn. This is how it looks. The best part is it only took a week. It was the easiest pattern ever.


Anyway I had better go and do some work.

Sarah xx

P.S. Thank you to all, I just reached 70,000 hits on this blog :)