Friday, October 10, 2014

Things aren't aways fixed

In my last post I said that I had a problem with no solution. I felt very hurt and sad by this and I was sure that Dov and I were going to break up, if not then, but soon after. We didn't. I realised that the only thing that was fixed was how I felt about my situation and that I wasn't looking past the stuff that might help. I then fell into a depression after a long period of mania and the issue itself attached to my depression made things muddy and unclear and downright scary. I still can't say what the issue it is but I feel better about it. I am still not sure how we are going to work around it but there are plenty of resources out there if I look them up and see if there is a solution.

So, where am I now? I am in hospital. The depression go too much and I, would you believe, overdosed on laxatives because I had this crazy idea from long ago, that if only I was thin, it would make it all okay. Thing is, it put me in hospital because the nurses on this government helpline told me to go to the hospital. I was sent home fine. My psychiatrist on the other hand wasn't so happy and she was extremely worried as I have been a freight train out of control for weeks now.

Getting manic was pretty awesome, I had fun, I spent way too money. I bought two lots of the same thing for some strange reason and then gave the second one away. I bought accessories for a camera I don't own but want to buy in December. I didn't sleep. I got up at 2am to study and I managed to get over two weeks ahead of the rest of my class. What a mania it was! Then I was put on a higher dosage of olanzapine and I started to come down, so my doc reduced the olanzapine and up I went again but a really agitated high. She put the olanzapine back up and I got depressed. I do feel a lot better than when I came in two days ago.

My mum drove a two hour round trip just to bring me to hospital which is 15 minutes from where I live. Dov has Cali his place and she is lapping up all the cuddles. I had taken her there a few times so she wasn't freaked out, thank god we had done that. I am okay. I am getter better. Thankfully.

Sarah xx

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Is this the beginning of the end?

When Andy and I broke up, it happened a few times before the final time. Last night, Dov and I had the very same conversation of breaking up for the first time. The reason is irrelevant but it's an obstacle and one that cannot be overcome. It's impossible because of its nature. Then we both cried and hugged and said that we didn't want to do that. It's just that I know this issue will never go away. I don't know what to do. I am terrified. I have been in tears since I woke up. I feel so sad :(

Sarah xx

Wednesday, October 1, 2014


The mania snuck up on me this time. I didn't see it coming. I did feel the aftermath though. At first it started with getting up early to do study and I got three weeks ahead in two days. While everyone else was swimming away on week one, I was waving from week three. This is easily done though because my degree is online. The days of getting up early should have been the first red flag, but I didn't notice, I just thought I was getting ahead.

Then the spending started. This time I don't know how much it was, but enough to dig a big hole. I sold some of my favourite things on eBay and then had to get a loan to buy one of them back brand new, my Samsung galaxy tab 3 8" tablet. I sold a five month old excellent condition tablet for a ridiculous amount because I wanted money and I then bought a new tablet with that money and then sold it the same day because it was dreadful. It was then I realised I was manic.

I had 15 packages about to arrive. Poor Dov was going out of his brain with me because I wouldn't shut up and since I was getting up all through the night. My psychiatrist was begging me to go to hospital but I wouldn't leave Cali. She then put my olanzapine dose up to 20mg a night and would you believe I was still waking all through the night for the first week. I am not big, it should have made me sleep for a week.

Then the olanzapine hit me. Oh boy did it hit me and I started to sleep through the night. The I also started to sleep through the day a bit but I was told not to worry because I had been awake for so long, that the extra sleep was probably good for me. Then I just got plain heavy and tired from the olanzapine. So my doc cut it down to 10mg, which I am on still.

I won't lie, the symptoms of mania are creeping back in. I've been up since 3.30am. Yesterday it was 3.45am. I am obsessed with getting this camera that I love on ebay that I will buy in december. It's just that I am buying all the acccessories for it now. I know that sounds crazy but I figure if I buy all the little bits and pieces it won't be so expensive. Thing is I probably spend a couple of hours a day looking at the accessories on ebay. I have agreed to get a refurbished model than a brand new one but we'll see how long that lasts.

I am also ahead with uni again. Everyone else is finishing assignment one and trying to do week five at the same time, I have handed my assignment in, finished week five and started on week six. I think I can keep a handle on it this time seeing the last one really caught me off guard. I guess only time will tell. At least I coped with a manic episode out of hospital and although I ruined my finances, I am okay :)

Sarah xx