Thursday, February 26, 2015

a quick post from hospital

Things fell apart, I mean really fell apart. I was told yesterday by Trudy that if I missed Tuesday next week, I would be discharged from the group. I will not let that happen. I will pull myself together as much as I can, I will be there, no matter what. I will be discharged by Monday. I will make sure I am okay. I unfortunately got put on a new anti-depressant that I've been on before, Pristiq. I don't know how I feel about that. I don't know how I feel about anything. Not much else to say really is there.

Sarah xx

Monday, February 23, 2015

Quick

There is a lot of fuzziness within right now. I just got out of hospital on Friday after being there for eight days. Mum and I aren't talking and I feel so disconnected from everything. In all honesty, I have no idea what to do. I am starting weekly sessions with Emma on Friday to try and start fixing this.

Sarah xx

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Dear Nana

Dear Nana

I am so sad because you had to go today. I am glad I got to talk to you again last week. You were a huge inspiration to me and I loved you with my whole heart. I'm in hospital tonight and I'm sad because so many people want to die, but I just wanted you to live and I wanted to live for you. I remember when I was little and your huge great afghan dog dragged me behind it while floundered. I scrapped my knees up and I cried, but probably not as much as I have cried today. You and I had a special relationship, you understood me, you listened and you hugged me when I was sad and you loved me. I saw a photo of you the other day and you looked so special, all dressed up waiting for mum in your prettiest dress. She'd done your nails the night before while you slept and when you woke she said you looked and them and said "pretty", that made me smile. You are so special to me, your love will forever live within me.

with special love
Sarah 
xxxx

Sunday, February 8, 2015

The Art of Asking

I was introduced to Amanda Palmer's talk on The Art of Asking and it's really blown me away. I felt such a sense of connection with her that I have watched this video about 6 times. It goes for about 13 minutes, so that is good too. She calms me inside too. I also got some of her music and bought her book. I would love to know what you think, as this has changed how I connect with things, how to ask for things, how to not feel shame in the asking. She is very inspiring.




I hope the vid works. Guess I'll soon see.

Sarah xx

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Have you?

Have you ever been walking somewhere and heard someone talking behind you or at the side and you turn and there's no one there? It happens to all of us right? So I have something to tell you that I am very uncertain about in that I don't know how to say it really. It's something that I've known for a very long time and in all the years that I have had this blog (2009) I've never mentioned it. Why? Fear probably. If I had to attach an emotion to it. yes, fear would be it. I don't know what I fear but just that I have fear about saying this.

Okay so I hear voices in my head and I see them too in my head, one of them is very active, the others not so much. The term that I would put on them is subselves, though my doc thinks its more than that, like dissociative identity disorder, but I don't agree. Subselves is more clear to me. I'll post a link to a vid you can watch about it and it will describe it. It came out publicly when I spoke to a friend who has known me for nearly 15 years and she randomly asked me what I thought about what my old psychologist diagnosed me with in the late 90s just before I dumped her. Whoa inside went out and it was like a blast had happened, bang, couldn't shut them up, all at once and it was very loud inside. They wanted to be heard! My friend just gave them the strength to break free.

It didn't last for just a moment, but all day and all night. They wanted to talk to Jan (my friend) and it went on for two days, Jan, Jan, Jan, was all they thought about. It was like now that someone had mentioned them, they were free to come and go as they liked and made Tuesday DBT very uncomfortable because I had to severely dissociate to control it all, which made it noticeable to everyone anyway but they couldn't put their finger on it and I didn't want them to. I did however tell Trudy and she was awesome, calmed everything down so I could go back into group relatively happy.

Then on Tuesday night I was talking to Jan at 11pm and the thoughts were flying out of my fingers and she just said "that's enough, stop!" and everything went dead quiet. It was like she was telling them off and then explaining to me that I can't let them take over everything and that I had to set some boundaries with them, I know, it's kinda funny, but not at the same time. I'm not going to go into any details about them right now. I'm still antsy about talking about it because it's been so hidden for so long. I've known of them since the early 90s. It's just not something you can drop into conversation is it? Ugh, still feel the fear.

video


Sarah xx

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

GIVE

GIVE is another acronym used by DBT (yes, they love them) and it is about building and maintaining relationships. Give focuses on others. Give is Also the key to resolving conflicts.

Gentle
Interest
Validate
Easy Manner

Gentle - Be courteous and temperate in your approach
       No attacks No verbal or physical attacks. No hitting, clenching fists.
        Express anger clearly
       No threats No "manipulative" statements, no hidden threats.Stay in the
       discussion even if it's painful. Exit gracefully
       No Judging No moralising

Interest - listen and be interested in the other person's point of
        view, opinion, reasons for saying no, or reasons for making a request
        Don't interrupt, talk over etc. Be sensitive to the other person's desire
        to have the discussion later. Be patient

Validate - to validate means to non-judgementally acknowledge others' feelings,
         thoughts, beliefs and experience. Validation is 'walking a mile in others'
         shoes,' and seeing life from their perspective. We validate when we find
         others' truth and how their experienes make sense given their life
         circumstances and the situation. Remember to validate yourself.
 
Easy Manner - remember the idiom, 'you catch more flies with honey
        than vinegar.' Having an easy manner means treating others with
        kindness and a relaxed attitude. It also means not being heavy handed
        with our judgements, opinions and viewpoints. Allow space for others.

I haven't yet tried this skill properly. I have used it before though and when I use it I will let you guys know how it works. It's great to write it down first and then try it out. Dear Man is a great skill and so I am interested to know if this is going to work too.

I have DBT tomorrow so I will let you know how the new skill works FAST.

Sarah xx

Monday, February 2, 2015

Dear Man works

Tonight I had to use the Dear Man (DBT) skill on my financial counsellor. She wanted me to change Cali's food but after talking to Cali's vet today, I was set on not changing it. This was also after I changed her (Cali's) pet insurance and her kitty litter. So I went downstairs expecting a fight but I didn't get one, she was so happy with what I had done with my finances already that she just said "fair enough" and that was that.

I worked out what I was going to say first. The Dear Man skill worked really well tonight and because I was willing to change some things which was good, it went a long way in getting what I wanted. Cali will be one happy little kitty and it will keep her from getting fat as it is a special light food and it keeps her teeth clean too! I'm very happy now, DBT works :)

Sarah xx