Thursday, October 15, 2015

From bad to worse and back again

Lately I have really struggled to write on here. I mean really really. I sit and don't know what to write or just plain tired. But going a bit further back until now I have had other reasons. Like the fact that Dov and I keep breaking up and then getting back together. This time it was over drugs. I said I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't like it but I could at least live with it and then he used something worse and very addictive. I couldn't believe it and so I couldn't do it, told him so. him he had to get actively seeking help or that's it. It was very upsetting and he declined. It hurt so much. But then yesterday morning he came to me  (that's after 12 hours) and said he would get help. I was dubious. He came through though, he came clean to a psychologist here (too hard to explain the working of this place, it's complicated) but yes there is a psychologist here and also two visiting counselors. When Dov told the psychologist, he spilled everything and then he asked for help. Was so so proud. He did it in front of me. Happy! He has his first appointment with Rebecca on Friday. She is awesome too :)

Sarah xx

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Dealing with stuff

Well here in Australia it's around 5:30am on Sunday. I'm sitting at my desk but concentration is something that alludes me write now. I last saw Dov on Friday at lunch time. He came and got the groceries I bought him and he went home. I don't know what is going or what may have happened. One thing I do know is that he is smoking a lot of pot again. He usually hibernates when he has been smoking but this is the first time in all the time I've known him that he won't actually open the door and I hope everything is alright. They won't go in until three days have passed. I understand the law, I do, but what if something has happened. I'm not going to catastrophise.

Today I'm feeling good. My withdrawals are not so bad, just annoying. The same things are happening, I need to get used to it if I am going to get off this stuff. I'm so happy that I am just sitting in the emotions when I get them. Some are really hard, overwhelming but time is on my side. I don't have uni, just a few appointments in each fortnight, otherwise, it's getting used to the withdrawals so I can keep reducing.

--- oh, microsleep, sorry ---

Now that I've rudely interrupted myself sleeping at my computer, I will try and continue. I know you may not have noticed but hey, the context could have changed in that 20 seconds (humour me, lol). Oh yes, the drugs lately. I'll try not to go on about it too much. I am just really thankful I have a good doc, that's all I'll say about it.

I found out this morning that I lost all of Cali's kitten photos. I got her when she was 2, which is amazing because was so tiny then and when you see the photos she looks about 6 months old. I did find them on my photo storage account though and I'm happy I did. Here is what she looked like then

Above photos taken on the second day I got her
What a joker :-P
Six months later, she actually looks smaller, lol, but by then she had a little belly

Can you tell I am doing anything to pass the time? Can you tell I really suck at that? When I finish this what will I do? What if there is something wrong and I haven't seen him. What if... what if... what if !!! Sarah ==> don't forget to breath...

Saturday, October 3, 2015

New treatment team

I came in here to write a post and I jumped onto 'view blog' and noticed all the old treatment team still listed. I fired my treatment team basically. I was so pissed off with being drugged out all the time but it just took me a while longer to actually ditch them than what I thought it would. I had to get to the point where I wanted to change myself.

The first thing I did was look for a new psychiatrist. That wasn't too hard as my very close friend Jan had one in mind for me and when I rang to make an appointment, he was taking new patients and he was not too expensive. I then told Dr K that that was it, no more. She tried to tell me that my new doc doesn't like complex patients and I'm a complex patient and other things that messed with me in my last appointment.

My old psychologist wrote lets to Dr K and to my GP Tommy to tell them I was having a 'crisis' and that she believed my changing doctors was a part of that. I was like what is wrong with you people? I ended up ditching Emma because I just didn't trust her anymore and I found Moira and she is lovely. My GP knows her and interestingly enough, I found out Tommy used to be Dr G's resident about 8 years ago so they all pretty much know one another.

The other change I have made is that I (with help from Dr G) am going off my medication. Before I decided to make that change medication looked like this: Lithium 750mg; Lamictal 250mg; Abilify 20mg; Seroquel-XR 600mg; Lyrica 300mg. Pretty scary huh? I have made a 25mg reduction of the lamictal, down to 225mg. I'm going to do this tapering super slow. I know so many people that are coming off drugs and they come off too fast.

So I am going to taper small amounts every four weeks. That may sound slow but I'm on a lot and I need to let my central nervous system time to catch up. I know it will take a very long time but I want to get out of it in good shape and not like some of the people I have met that did it cold turkey or they are disabled because of it. It's very scary. If you read Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whitaker you may get where I am coming from and I am still in the middle part of it, it's amazing but a little hard going at times.

So my withdrawals suck, even just that tiny amount has sent my body into a spin. I have headaches, tingling in my head, muscle cramps, generalised shaking (body core and hands), weakness in limbs, and nausea. It's not all of it at all times. I know it will pass and I'm pretty cheerful considering. Things will be just fine. I know it will because I know myself and I know I can do this without a doubt :)

Sarah xx