Friday, September 30, 2016

Getting myself back on track

Hi Everyone

Shall I say it, yeah why not, one day to go :)   I am not sure where everything is with everyone yet but I know I have a bit of work to do today and then I'm hoping we're all good to go tomorrow afternoon, so most of the 'big thing' will not be posted until Sunday. As the day grows closer, so does my nervousness, I mean, I'm putting myself there and I don't know what the response will be. I don't know who is going to be liking and sharing and where it will end up. Argh, just having a moment. Though I had a whole day of a moment yesterday. I've been having so much fun with my zines, which I think was a way to kinda fluff over how I was feeling.

I was feeling that I had really made the wrong choices with my business (I hadn't) and I was creating this distraction for myself that I hadn't really realised I was doing. Zines, zines, zines, yes and more zines. Ugh. Sarah, let's get back to this campaign and what it's about and how it's going to work and geez, it's two days out before it goes live and your still talking about zines, lol. Yep, that's what happened. Don't get me wrong, I love my zines, but that's not what I am trying to accomplish here.

My original goal has now been refocused -- my business that is -- though the great thing about the zines is that I had an idea. More on that later, after the campaign has been launched. I don't have a lot else to say right now. I have to go do some work. The great thing about getting up at 4:30am, is that no one can interrupt you for a while ;)

Be safe my friends, will chat later

Sarah xx

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Price mistakes in zine listings

Hi Guys

Well I realised that I had made a huge mistake in my costs on Etsy. Even though I mentioned it on here, that the prices were in US dollars, I forgot when I was doing the price and shipping costs, duh! I didn't realise until I went in to view my shop and I went, holy crap, that is way too much. I have tried to fix the prices but it is a bit hit and miss for us Aussies, with a weird price due to the back end of Etsy only allowing me to do it that way. I understood that bit but my math is horrible. Now you can see why I can't do my own accounting, lol.

So now you might see that prices, especially shipping, OMG, they were enormous, sorry about that guys. I hope they are a bit better, I've done the estimates this time with the main shop front open so I can see it in Aussie dollars, that I understand. So now that there has been some price changes, please have a look and send me a message either here as a comment or email me on littlemissmoo2@hotmail.com. I really want them to be affordable, so if you think I am still overreaching, please tell me, I'm all ears. Well, I'm listening anyhow. Click here to find my shop. If you write your own zines, please let me know, I'd love to trade. If you craft as well, like make cards or something else funky, I'd be interested in hearing from you for a fair trade as well.

Okay off I go again to make the new zine :)

Sarah xx

Public speaking

Hi Everyone

Last night Emily and I went to a workshop for public speaking. Wow, it was awesome but it was also completely nerve wracking. Tim, the facilitator, is pretty awesome. He had everyone laughing and we did have a great time. We had three parts to our speaking practice and it was in groups, two threes and one four. The first one I was in with my business teacher Wes and he made me nervous, lol, it's so true that when you have to talk in front of others you know, it can be worse. We had to just introduce ourselves but keep talking for two minutes. There were many ums and aahs, let me tell you.

The second one was where we had talk for two minutes again, but this time put pauses in, it didn't matter what we story told. We also had three words we had to use. Mine were 'lamp', 'paining' and 'thoughts'. I told a story about how when I was painting a long ago, that Cali would jump up on knock my lamp, changing the light so the shadows I painted were accentuated, therefore changing the picture and that when I thought about it... blah blah... I can't remember the rest. My group said I did really well and that the only time they thought I was nervous, was when I looked at my words I had been given and stopped talk for a little too long and said 'sorry'. The third was two stories, a truth and a lie. Mine were convincing but one guy picked the lie but said it was also fairly true and it was. Also a fun one but I really felt I had done a bad job. Apparently not so.

All in all it was a great night and next week we are doing Life Transformation through meditation. It should be great. I'm really looking forward to it. So we have three days until we are meant to go live with our campaign and let me tell you, I am not ready for it but in a way I am. Argh! I have a lot to do. My business is still on track but in a week it has changed a fair bit. My idea has grown and evolved into this tangible thing that I want to work more than anything in the world. I wonder where I'll be this time in a month, or even a year.

I don't want to live at BCG forever (this might not make sense just yet, but it will soon, I promise), I want to live in a house, in the suburb that I lived in for 11 years and love it. I want Cali to have a backyard, some grass to roll in and a tree to scratch on. I want my business to run out of my house, with my studio in part of it. I want to work with a designer and have someone else do my accounting, because frankly, between you and I, I'm not that good at it ;)

So with that I am going to leave you to have a lovely day/night, wherever you happen to be in this big wide world of ours. Remember that to be present (as Tim reminded me last night) you need to be grounded and you need to breathe. Where are your feet? Feel them and really feel them. Breathe into them and ground yourself. Whatever is happening to you or for you, it too will pass because if things aren't that great, it can't physically stay at a heightened state forever, your body simply can't maintain that. I have learnt that after many years of suffering through the thoughts that are in my head, running with them and feeling horrible about myself. I am slowly starting to like myself more and I mean slowly because I have had years of telling myself horrible things about myself. It's possible to let it go and I am saying here note to self as well.

Now I am really going to stop and take care

Sarah xx

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Drawing for 24

Hi again,

I feel like the boomerang that just keeps bouncing back today, but hey, lots happening. I was getting nervous because Emily and I are going to a public speaking event tonight. It is a group event and we will all have to speak, argh, it freaks me out. I will let you all know how it went.

So this afternoon I have been in the middle of creating for 24 Past the Hour. So far I have 18 pages of written stuff and 24 cartooning pages. The written stuff will cover more than just 18 pages because it all needs to be chopped up and arranged my background, a street art magazine that I have pulled apart and cut up into A5 (half size) sheets.


The back breaking bit comes next. The cutting up of the paragraphs, sticking double sided tape on it and arranging the layout. Right now I have a bucket filled with paper and I'm sure it's just going to get fuller and fuller, lucky Cali, she loves paper and buckets even more for that matter.



I'm still doing the drawing though for the zine. This zine has taken three years to get to the stage that it is now it. I started it in 2014 then stopped, started again in 2015 when I promised it would be ready, sorry guys, until now when it's full steam ahead and I think it will be out within the next two weeks. I'm not going to say promise because I don't want to let you down. Let's just keep our fingers crossed that my drawing continues and my writing feels right. On that night I am gong to go and chew my nails in preparation for tonight. Argh, This time in one hour I will be getting ready to go. Jeepers!

Be safe and all that jazz

Sarah xx

P.S. How could I forget to let those of you that don't know that I am having a zine competition giveaway. Please click this link for that post here and here for the info on coupons to buy zines. Okay, really going now :)

4 days to go ;)

My zines, my business and coupons for zines

Hi Everyone

I've been really busy working on my zines and it seems to be overtaking my original idea for my business. My business idea is still there but it has taken a back seat for now. What I want to do is start with creating a crowdfunding campaign to get my zines published into a book. I want to self-publish it so it's how I want it to be and then I can sell a more polished version of it. I would hire an editor to help me too. If anyone knows of a good editor, please let me know, I would love to talk to them. They must be trustworthy though.

I wanted to tell you though about a coupon code that I have in my zine shop right now. If you buy a zine you will automatically get an email with a code in it. The code is for free shipping on any order  over $10 USD and it goes until 9th October. So happy shopping if you wish to do so and enjoy the free shipping.

Sarah xx

You can find my shop by clicking on this link: https://www.etsy.com/au/shop/LittleMissMooTwo?ref=hdr_shop_menu

Hello......

Hi Everyone

Thanks for reading everyone. OMG, you guys are amazing, we have reached 102,419 views and counting, woohoo! Thanks also to Mich for the follow, greatly appreciated. Hopefully you can all check out Mich's blog on your way past here. Anyway, I've woken up with a bit of a nasty headache today. I'm okay though, just feeling a bit ick and I have so much to do right now I can't afford it really but I have to listen to my body and to stay healthy or I won't get through all of this. It's a process right? Well that's what I'm told ha ha.

Today I am going to sit with Sussana and I am going to do my stuff, of which is changing every day. It's totally crazy that I have three parts to my business, no, maybe four actually, yes four. Wow, it's growing by the day. Sometimes it feels so overwhelming but really great at the same time. I'm trying to get people to read my blog from my facebook page but to be honest, I'm scared of them seeing the personal stuff in here, but hey, I guess I am giving myself exposure anyway, I should be grateful for it.

So,just so those of you that haven't seen them, my zines are back in print. Yay! Here is the post link to my zine competition, with an extra surprise, so click on the link if you missed it. So get creative, come up with an idea for it and we can have a bit of fun along the way.

Take care and goodluck
Sarah xx


Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Zine competition

Hi Guys

I am running a new zine competition, the first in a long time. So all you need to tell me is which zine you would like to win (all issues but Panic Planet and Pictures and Words are available now) and why you would like it and give me the most creative reason why. The winner will receive the zine they have rightfully won and a little surprise, a pack of handmade Christmas cards ;)

Here's some photos of some cards I have made for my friends. The cards make will be unconventional and conventional.






The competition will be drawn on Sunday this week at 9am Brisbane, Queensland, Australian time and it will be a random draw.

You can see my zine in my store here.

Good luck everyone :)

Sarah xx


My Zines

Hi again Guys

Okay, so after a great coaching session (thanks Wes), my first two issues of By the Skin of My Teeth are now for sale. There are only 3 issues of each to start with and they are in my Etsy store. I also have the two issues of My Baggy Pants available as well. These zines are fairly old now but they are still my journey. I wrote them in 2010 and I am still working on (yes, I know) 24 Past the Hour, which I hope to finish sometime in the near future. As you know though I have lots going on right now, so if you are interested, my zine store can be found at this link: https://www.etsy.com/au/shop/LittleMissMooTwo?ref=hdr_shop_menu .

If you are in Australia you will see a strange price but that's because Etsy will only let me put the amount in American dollars.

Have fun and be safe (as always)

Sarah xx

Look

Hi Everyone

Just thought I'd you a huge thank you for giving me such an amazing pages view count.

Almost clicked over to 102,200, so wow. Awesome. I'm off to do my homework for my business course, well one of the, lol, but I'll be back later.

Take special care
Sarah

Monday, September 26, 2016

Video number two

Hi Guys

As I said, here is my video blog. Hope you find it interesting.



As always be safe and stay well

Sarah

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Up and down day

Hi Guys

I know I promised another video to you today but I just didn't get there. I had to tell a lady today that I wasn't going to work with her anymore and it didn't really happen.. I thought I'd done a good job but now that I think about it I really skirted around the problem rather than facing in front on. I have a real hard time trying to say no to people like I have written in here in the past. Really sucks actually because I leave myself open to all sorts of things that I don't want to do but do anyway because I think that the person will be mad at me or something. I have to harden up about this. I will not do well in my business if I can't say what I want to say. I really have to practice it too anytime I can.

A big thanks to Emily who drove me to the place where I was meant to say no because you gave me the courage to go inside, even if I didn't do what I wanted to do ((hugs)). You are such an awesome friend :)

Anyway, I will try and do another video in the next few days. I am waiting for a little tripod to arrive as that will hold my phone a little easier. Last time wasn't ideal, with it leaning against my morning cup of tea mug!

Stay safe and be well

Sarah xx

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Shoot Day two

Hi Guys

Here's some more photos from the photo shoot yesterday. Funny thing is that Cali photo bombed us, lol. Luke was taking some footage of my craft boxes when she ran straight in front of the camera, ha ha. We all cracked up laughing and had to do another take. Then miss Cali got to be a star for a while.

First me

Then Cali

I'm looking forward to getting the footage of Cali because she did such a good job.

Sarah xx

Thursday, September 22, 2016

The Shoot

Hi Guys

Here's a photo of the shoot we are doing for our campaign. It's of Deb and Luke and Luke is lining up to shoot Sussana's section of the video. I did a small part but don't have any pics of that but my next bit is up tomorrow. So stay tuned.


I am also going to be doing another video on Saturday or Sunday for you all, hopefully, it will turn out okay but this time I will have a topic. Go me! Hopefully, I won't bore  you senseless, lol. So be safe and take care and all that jazz and I might get some more pics of the shoot tomorrow when we resume at my place :)

Sarah xx

Fear and Self-Sabotage

Hi Everyone

Last night a friend of mine, Emily and I, went to a workshop on fear and self-sabotage, which was amazing by the way. I felt very connected to everything after and have since emailed Tim and asked him if he will speak to our group. I'd love to have some of them also have some guest spots on here when our campaign goes live in OMG only 9 days time. Oh, got a little rush of adrenaline when I said that. Today we are filming. Or should I say that today Sussana and I are going to be filmed. ARGH! I know by now you have probably seen my video but I really do like the other side of the camera as you know. Another rush of adrenaline! I know I have the courage to do it, but I also have the fear that comes along with it. Everyone probably has this and if they don't, they are adrenaline junkies, lol. I am not one of those.

I was looking through the first issue of By the Skin of My Teeth and as I was compiling into a word document for Wes, I realised that it have about 8300 words in it. I had no idea that it was so long. I was amazed actually. I thought maybe 3000 or so, but not over 8000. I hate to think how many words all of them have. It's great you know because with this blog and with my zines together, I have an amazing account of the last 7 years. I would love to one day write a book or get someone to help me edit my zines. I'm about to email my lecturer from uni to see if she would know anyone that would do it for me. On the other hand, while I am here, does anyone here know an editor that would be interested. I have six issues of By the Skin of My Teeth and two issues of My Baggy Pants. The first mental health related stories and the later eating disorder stories. I'll just put it out there :)

Anyway, I need to go and get ready for filming as I don't know when it starts. So take care to all of you and be safe.

Sarah xx

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Telling someone something you don't want to say

Hi Guys

So yesterday was a harrowing experience. I had to tell a lady that I really like here where I live that I couldn't work with her much anymore at the moment, simply because I am too busy. The problem was telling her. I am not good at standing up for myself or saying no to people but this time, I knew I had to and no one was letting me off the hook. I didn't want to be off the hook but I didn't know how I was going to do it. I was really scared of how they would perceive me and that they might dislike me and it's a person I really care about too, which made it worse.

Anyway, I was sitting downstairs having a bit of a cry and then the floodgates opened and boy I couldn't turn it off. I think people thought someone had died, lol, but they hadn't. My wonderful mentor, Deb, happened to come out of the office and saw me and took me into this little glass room we have here where you can privately speak to someone and going in there I was talking and crying and being totally un-understandable (is that a word -- I don't think so) all at the same time. So I sat there and I tried to focus and settle but it was so overwhelming that I kept bursting into tears. This was no helping.

I was looking for an out I think now that I look back. I think now I was really asking someone to do it for me but that didn't happen. I then spoke to Paul about it, I've mentioned before, he was great too but also didn't offer to tell this lady for me -- damn I thought -- couldn't someone read my mind or something, haha. In the end I went and spoke to this person and I told her and I cried and then we talked and I am still going to help her with a few things and she was awesome.

I'm so proud of myself. I wouldn't ever have been able to tell anyone something like this before, I would have avoided and run away. The first time I guess is always hard. I know I can do it now and that's all that counts.

Hope you are all travelling okay. I want to say thank you to Lil for your lovely words, it really did make me feel so much better. Have beautiful day all :)

Sarah xx

Sunday, September 18, 2016

You are my time capsule

Hi Guys

It's so weird when you read your old posts back. This blog is now over seven years old, I can't believe that. It's gone so slow and quick at the same time. I saw some photos of myself in 2009 when I was really really disordered with my eating, geez, I'm glad that passed over time. I think now how my body shape is and I'm okay with the 'number' even though it's a little bigger than it was then.

If you told me then what I know now (don't we all wish for that?) things might have been different. Maybe, but you know what, I don't think I would have listened anyway. My ED would have won and the ED would have skewed my thinking and it wouldn't have shut up. Today, those thoughts although not gone, can be managed fairly easily now I have some distance from them.

I'm thinking of all of you out there still struggling with this. Please keep fighting. It's so hard I know but it does get easier each time you beat it. I know that's hard to believe when it's so close it's all you can see. I think I mentioned defusion a few posts ago but spelt it wrong, so defusion is where you can basically untangle your thoughts and put them, still in your own space, it's not about pushing them away, but it's about being able to acknowledge them, sitting with them and detaching from them, just noticing. I see it like a spiders web. If your too close you can't notice the spider and it sneaks up on you but if you take a step back, you can keep an eye on it without squishing it ( yes, I'm sure some of you would just like to squish the damn spider lol). If only it were that easy. Bella you are in my thoughts. I hope you are ok!!! So that's it for now.

Take care, be safe
Sarah xx

Saturday, September 17, 2016

My video post for real - I'm terrified right now


Hi Guys

As you can see below I have a video post for you. This was very hard to do as I've been hiding away for so long. Anyway, here it is. I hope you like it :)




Be safe and take care, until tomorrow
Sarah xx

About me

Hi Guys

My 'me' page has been updated, it was old by three years. This post is just to let you know that and to tell you that I'm posting a video post later on. If I can figure out how to shoot it with my camera and actually edit it and get it on here.... phew!

Later

Sarah xx

Friday, September 16, 2016

A blog post that took all day

It’s Friday about 1pm and it’s been an interesting day. I spent a lot of the morning with Sussana and Wendy, as Sussana and I were both nervously waiting for some filming of us for our businesses for our campaign. We were both really nervous and I was okay to start with but the nervousness grew. In all honesty, I am really anxious about how this blog is going to be received by people that know me. It’s so honest and for me very real. Anyway, enough about that.

I have so many big plans for the future. I am so excited about it. I can see myself moving forward very clearly and I know it’s going to happen quickly, probably quicker than I am bracing myself for. I can’t see myself living here where I am this time next year. I believe I will be in my own place, with a garden for Cali to roll in the dirt in. I know she longs for nature and I am feel bad that right now I can’t give that to her. My poor little pumpkin is stuck inside and cats like outside so much. I wish that for her. I know it will happen.



So here’s my space right now. It’s got 10 boxes and 4 drawers to put all my papers, cardstock, ink and other bits and pieces in. I love it and if you’re looking for me, this is usually where I am. The only thing in my little studio I’d love to change is the desk. It’s too low and I stoop to see what I am doing, regardless of the fact that I have a great daylight OTT lite lamp. It’s just too short and I get a really sore back a lot of the time. Then neck pain and eventually I have to stop. To top it off, this week I sprained my thumb. Sounds rather painless but let me tell you it wasn’t. It’s still sore because how can you pick things up and not use your thumb. I’m right handed so it’s harder because I naturally pick things up with that hand without thinking about it.



This morning I did some colouring in Kerby Rosanes’ book Imagimorphia, one of my favourite books of all time. I also love the complex designs he has in there and he is just such a great artist. I’d love to draw like he does. I find it really helps when I want to do some mindfulness. I can switch off for a bit and just concentrate on the colours and the shading. It’s so peaceful in that moment. Just the sound of the pencil scraping across the page, colouring frantically. The picture I’m doing right now is of two horses and some intense creatures with the waggon. Don’t worry, that poor horse's head is not going to stay like that.

I am having the best time scrapbooking at the moment. This afternoon I didn’t know what to do so I got out some ink and sponged it onto a piece of embossed paper. It came out okay, though it’s something I am going to have to practise. I got it all over myself, my hands mainly and dye ink dries so quickly.



Okay, so I’m off and I will be back in the morning. Have a great day or night depending where you are in this world of ours.

Be safe!


Sarah xx

Being honest

Hello Everyone

Yesterday was an intense day. Between having a panic attack during the mosaic opening, feeling so anxious I wanted to climb out of my skin, trying several times to get my business name registered and then finding out I had to rethink the name was stressful. I am also going down off of another medication decrease -- lithium -- the bad boy! It sucks but it's also going to be great when I am off it all and that is what I am trying to focus on right now and in between, baby steps.

So in the end, I settle on Little Miss Moo for my new business name. I've been using the email littlemissmoo2 for years because littlemissmoo was taken when I made the address about six years. I'm happy with my business name. It's still pronounced the same, just had a few gaps in it. At least I don't have to be number two. I am the number one Little Miss Moo :)

I got to hang out with Sussana a bit today too and that was good. We had a lovely talk this morning about truth and being honest with our 'stuff'. It's hard to be honest sometimes because when you feel that good ole' vulnerability creep in, it can do your head in. It doesn't feel that nice. We have both had some pretty rough times but we are getting there and we will pull through. I would like to her to come in and be my guest and have her tell her story or whatever she is comfortable talking about.

I don't know if you know this but I quit uni to do a micro business course and to do my business. I felt like I was just getting stale sitting there doing assignments all the time and the stress was unbelievable. It took me accepting the fact that I am going to fail course I was doing and owning that. That was really hard because I haven't ever failed anything in my life but I purposely failed because it was only week six and I was going out of my brain. I wasn't doing well either. I will get my F grade in the next two weeks and yes there is a loophole but I still have to sit with the fail grade for a bit. I can then apply for special consideration and it will be overturned because of my circumstances at the time, which were pretty awful, but I never wrote about it in here and I probably won't. It's not because I don't want to but it's because I need to protect myself a little around that situation.

So here I am. Here's a quick grab


I am going to leave you with that to ponder. Here's hoping you all have a beautiful day/night wherever you are in this world.

Sarah xx

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Recent cards

Some cards I've made recently. Some unconventional Christmas cards and others too :)






Sarah xx

The secret I carry from you... and the Matrix

There is a secret that I carry from you all and it's not a terrible secret but over the years I learnt from others not to accept the way I am. I have learnt from others that I am not normal. I have learnt from others that I am not pretty enough, that I am ugly and anything negative you can possibly imagine. I was born looking a little different to the average person. You know what, I am doing my best to not care anymore. I can't say to you, "you know what guys? I am over it". It doesn't work that way. Years of training of the 'bad Sarah story' in my mind won't go away overnight. It will eventually, I know it will.

I find this the scary part. My hands start to shake and my heart starts to beat a little faster when I get to this bit. I am different. I am different because I have a few fused bones in my neck, instead of the seven (including the discs in between) that you have (most of you anyway). So basically I look like I am shrugging all the time but I'm not, it's just me. It's always been just me. It's just that some people didn't seem to see past the differences. That makes me sad.

So... I'm going to be brave! I'm going to show you a photo from a few days ago. When I first went to post it, I removed it straight away because I looked too old, too fat, too ugly, too..... ugh! You get my point huh? Then I took it into photoshop and I really don't know what I was going to do in there but I stopped. I let myself crop the photo but as hard as it is, if I am going to be real, I need to free myself up from some unhelpful thoughts and emotions that I have attached to how I look. As Rob, my new psychiatrist would say, you have to diffuse yourself from that stuff and he says thanks brain, lol. 



So here I am. I'm different, who cares!!!

I am doing all this work on myself right now and no I don't mean cosmetic therapy, ha ha! I mean that I am working really hard with my Rob in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Right now, funnily enough, we are doing diffusion. I really need to practice this more. Diffusion is when you unhook yourself from your 'sticky' thoughts, like my 'I'm ugly' thought. He wants me to notice it and thank my brain for pointing this out to me without attaching myself to the thought. Diffusion isn't really the first thing though in ACT. The first thing that Rob and I worked on is the Matrix (not the black leather coat type), I will put some stuff in here for you in case you decide you want to know more. I highly recommend The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. I'm still plodding along slowly but I am getting there. 

The big picture, towards and away, Dr Kevin Polk looks at this in his video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRAoc-eJT3o

I found this video really helpful. Rob also had me notice from time to time whether what I was doing in that moment felt more like a toward or away move and if it was an away move, to forgive myself, centre in the five senses (the 5 things I can touch, smell, hear, taste and see) and move towards something I can value (Dov, Cali, photography, scrapbooking, card making, my family etc. etc.).

Here's another video about why we go towards and away from our values at times. It's only three minutes long and it has cartoons :) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-ZuqeyxULM

Okay, so that's for me for now. It's only taken me an hour to write this. It feels like lunch time and it's only 5:30am. I hope you like the links in here and my terrifying encounter with my scary photo, lol!

Until next time!
Sarah xx

P.S. Thank you to all for visiting and commenting and listening, it means so much :)

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Big things

Hi Guys

It's been a while since I posted and there are so many huge things that are happening for me and all of them big. I am starting a business and over the next month I will be posting some things on here that means you will know me, though some of you have been with me for a long time, so you know my story. My story is going to be put into a video, along with others that live in my building who are also starting businesses. We all have a story. We have all been homeless. We were lucky, we were rescued.
Before the first video goes to air on social media, I am going to post a video for you guys. I will let you see me and really see me and I'm scared to death but I feel I need to move out of the shame I feel sometimes. I started to 'come out' on my facebook page and I was scared to death then and I did get my mum go up in arms about it and didn't talk to me for a day but hey, not everyone is going to like what I say or do. Here is a bit of what I said,

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I just watched a TED talk by Brene Brown on Shame https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0 and it really got me thinking about how I feel about shame. I feel shameful all the time about everything. I can't walk down the street and not feel shameful. I feel shame when my partner holds my hand in public because I feel I am doing the wrong thing, that I will be judged by the way I look and people will think that I don't deserve him. So I feel shame. When he says something too loud and people turn to look, I feel shame and if I am put in a position where I need to be in front of me, I feel shame.
So... 4 years ago I became homeless after a difficult time in my life. I lived in hospital for three weeks, in a mental health unit and then moved to transitional housing and eventually to Brisbane Common Ground who help people like me to find themselves and hopefully one day become whole again. That is starting to happen for me but yes, I still feel shame. Most of you don't know this story. Or the story of being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, put on many psych drugs and then put in hospital countless times. I feel shame. So I fought my way through the system and am finally with a lovely amazing doctor who is taking me off my medication very slowly. For this, I don't feel shame, I feel empowered. I feel like there is hope and finally I will be free of all of this and be able to live again, without shame.

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So I am moving forward and I will do it without shame. Some of you here won't like what you hear/see but that is inevitable. I can't help that. I am who I am and I am not longer going to make apologies about that. I will reveal more about my business in the next few weeks but I am looking forward to sharing with you and letting you know a bit about who I really am in real life. I don't want to hide behind Sairs anymore. Let me be free.

Oh, Dov and I are back together and it's awesome. Our time apart really put our relationship into context for both of us and I can't be happier with all the good things in my life right now. It's just amazing (ahhh, keep making typos). My brain is working faster than my hands. I want to thank you all too, for sticking with me even though I've been lazy at blogging over the last while, long while rather. So yes, sorry. I am really going to try and keep this going and yes I have said that before too, but this time I really want to try. So... see you in the next few days for another voice post, but this time I will put some proper photos of me in there too. Arrrgghhh but it's time. 

Thank you all
Sarah xx