Wednesday, November 30, 2016

I feel...

Hi Guys

I feel... lost for words, I feel... freer, I feel... sad for some, I feel... a little boxed in, I feel... okay with me, I feel... kinda lost but in a good Sarah way, I feel... in charge, I feel... (and now it's building) powerful, I feel... strong, I feel... I untamable, I feel... like this is me and I won't change for anything or be a puppet for anyone. I won't let myself be dragged down or put in a position where I have to choose sides. I will not allow my friends to be hurt, coerced or made to feel any less than they are because I was frightened, sad, scared, alone but those feelings aren't necessary because when you stand up for what you really believe in and what you really want to do and get out of life, you can do whatever you want and it's no one else's business. When you feel strong, you are strong, it happens slowly but then suddenly, it's there. Said and done, move on...

Thinking of you guys and thanks for being my sounding board. You rock!

Sarah xx

Monday, November 28, 2016

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Making it more comfortable and growing at the same time

Hi Guys

Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking and talking to my mum and my friends and I have decided to come at this business stuff a little slower. I am freaked big time about just jumping in and so I had a thought, I am going to do some volunteering at a community centre and spread the word there about my business through people that know me and have seen me there. I feel much happier doing that. People here may think I'm putting the brakes on and may think I don't want to do this, but I am aware of the fact that I am withdrawing right now (lithium) so I need some stability and not a lot of rocky uneven worrisome thoughts. I can't afford those at all. I don't want to go down, I only want to go up.

I feel like my business will definitely get there, I would prefer though it to be slow and steady not flat out and burn out. I have plans and soon I am going to get some marketing help too. Yay. I was also going to move away from here, but have decided against that. I am going to use the volunteer work to get out of this place for a bit each week. I think that is also preying on my mind. I live here and I work (my business from home) from here too. I don't get out much and when I'm home I'm usually working. The only thing I can't seem to do is my book work, lol, I can get it done but am stuck at the moment. There are things I can do though.

So my plan for today. I need to do some book work funnily enough, now that I mention it. I am going to make some cards because I can't help it ;-)  and I think I will watch (yes boo me) vampire diaries. I find it totally takes me away from the real world for the whole time I watch it. I really need that sometimes.

To everyone that celebrated Thanksgiving, I hope it was a lovely time or at least comfortable anyway. Family can be tough, can't they? Yes, mine can too.

Be safe

Sarah xx

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Fear but chugging along anyway

Hi Guys

I have made my flyer to go around to people in aged care facilities and I've done that several times. I keep making new flyers and then starting again. I am afraid. I am scared of failure. I know that the only failure I'm getting right now though is the one of not getting off the ground. I'm going to say to you that I am going to get some of these flyers printed and posted by next week or I could get the email address and email them or I could go to bed and never come out. Why is this so scary for me? Maybe because I've never done this before and I don't know what will happen. Ugh. Okay, I'm procrastinating. I am going to work on some cards and then figure out, yeah I know, I 'm still procrastinating. Sigh!

Here's some new cards

new stamps I got from Red Door Stamps

Red Door Stamps stamp

Stamp from Lavinia Stamps

Stamp from Lavinia Stamps

Stamps from Hero Arts

I am eventually going to bring out my own stamp designs, that's going to be awesome. I can't wait. For now though, I am really super happy that these incredible designers, do what they do.

These are mediocre cards. I am going to make some more now so I can put them on my website. 

Stay well

Sarah xx

Monday, November 21, 2016

My speech, ED, Fantastic Beasts and construction sites

Hi Guys

Wow, it's been ten days (now eleven, sorry guys). I had my birthday in the middle, so I think that's where I went off track. Since then I have done my speech and it went really well. I got a huge round of applause at the end that seemed to go on forever but it was awesome and so worth all the time practising. I'm glad I did it. I'm going to try and put the speech in here, or at least link you to it, so you can see what I've been up to lately


So all my worries about my eating disorder scare a few weeks ago have gone away. I am okay pulled through and each time we kick its butt, is another day we go on fighting. I think it's when we let it in, even for just a moment, that we start to lose ourselves to it. Believe me, it happens so fast, one minute you are fine and then bam, you are hitting your head against something hard and heavy. So now I am just going with the flow and taking each and every day as it comes.

I have one weird thing though. There is a construction site next to my building and yesterday that had all these cranes and things up blocking my whole street, but I've been feeling weird. Like drugged in a way, dizzy (and I can only describe this in this way) in my face area. I am scared there is something wrong or they are doing something wrong and either don't know or don't care. I noticed it first when I came out of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them and I was dizzy as all hell. Just thought it was because although we didn't see 3D, it was still like that almost, I felt it was motion sickness thing, but it never stopped. Dov has it too, I don't know if he still does because he is next door snoozing right now. So here's my public record. If they've done something, meaning to or not, then it happened on 20 November. OR I'm being paranoid, lol, probably that.

Be safe

Sarah xx

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Falling back into ED's arms

Hi Guys

I recently had some things happen that really triggered me and which set off a series of events that lead to me briefly falling back into EDs arms. I realise, as do many of us, that it had nothing to do with food. I didn't want to eat, I was fixated on the distressing stuff, so much so that I slipped back into the comfortable, old, controlled place of the ED.

It was very confusing because although I knew I was distressed, I felt like I had no power. In the end, during our weekly business meeting some of us shared how we were feeling and it turned that everyone had had a challenging week. I felt I should share, I asked Deb if I should and she agreed. I looked at everyone and just admitted that I hadn't been eating and it all fell away. I went home and cooked lunch and then met with Deb and did some tapping. It helped so much. I am back on track.

I think we all have to realise that stuff like this will happen for a while after you go into recovery. Like aftershocks. We have to try and weather the storm, hold yourself against it and just bend with it. I have had quite a few aftershocks now over the last year. Sometimes I feel like it will never go away but I know each time I let it pass, I am freer.

As to the distressing stuff, I have removed myself from that situation and striving on up. I have reconnected with myself and everyone else. I had gone into shutdown mode and so it's nice to stand up with my arms and heart open again. If anything this has made me stronger and more willing to fight for where I want to be, what I to do and how I'm going to do it. So never give up, because you can do anything you want. If you can see it in your mind, you can feel it, you can do it. Never give up because if I can do it, so can you!

Be safe

Sarah xx

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Wow, you guys rock!

Hi Guys

So I woke up this morning and this is what I saw

How awesome is that, you amaze me in a really great way. So thanks from the bottom of my heart for reading. After 7 years you think that the writing would get harder and to an extent it did while I was going through my homelessness/marriage breakup/drugged out from doctor/hospital admissions phase and that lasted the better part of 3 and half years. It was really hard and I wasn't silent completely but I went from blogging a lot to blogging a little. In a way I wish I had captured those moments. I didn't write zines in that time either, so I have little information, except what I can remember, about what happened in that time. Trust me when I say I don't remember much.

In other news, I am practising my speech a lot, the one I have to do on 18 Nov eekkkk. I'll be okay. I know it really well. I video taped it yesterday, I'll see how I go but I might pop it up on the day or maybe before, it depends how brave I am feeling or I might get someone to just video me on the day. They probably will anyway. Oh joy! I really don't like videos of myself to be honest, lol, does anyone? I don't think so, not unless you are famous and you do that for a living.

Another thing too, I have decided to write issue three of My Bagg Pants. I know I haven't finished 24 Past the Hour but in all honesty, I hit a stall with that one. I'm not sure why. I think it might be because my relationship with Dov ended and there was lots of that in there. I've been trying to write this for a few years now (yes, it's been that long) and I just can't keep the momentum going. So I think writing what is happening right now is going to work easier. With that, I am going to go and have some coffee. I am really tired this morning, I don't know why. I need to wake up! I have an appointment in a few hours.

Have a good one :)

Sarah xx

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

I have my own website :)

Hi Guys

I am so excited right now. I built my own website over the last few weeks and then yesterday, the company I am going through had a 50% of sale for premium for a year and I saved nearly $100. I'm so happy and I love my website. I put the link up this morning but for some reason, I can't get the html link to work. It just keeps adding this blog address in front of the web address. So if any of you out there are tech savvy in that area, that would be awesome because I haven't had to deal with a problem like that before, even though I am pretty good with computers.


Fast forward about 12 hours. I'm tired, worn out, ready to go to bed, ugh! A super busy day. So I'm going to link you to my website, let me know what you think. You can find it at I hope you like it :)

Sarah xx