Sunday, December 25, 2016

Happy Holidays 2016

Hi Guys

Just a quick hello from Oz, hope you are having a good day, if not, then a tolerable one. My day has been pretty good, though I really ate too much. I helped in the kitchen upstairs after they served the brunch to everyone. Lots of wiping down of chairs and tables. I think there are seven tables and I think it seats either seven or eight, so lots of wiping down. It felt good to offer and to also only accept two mangos as a thank you. I wanted to do it, no one made me :)  Anyway, I am off to lay down for a bit with Cali, it's been a long day. I've been up for 12 hours already and it's only 4pm. Sigh!!!!

Keep safe and I will chat soon

Sarah xx

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Epic fail and other such adventures

Hi Guys

I did end up withdrawing from the coaching course but still ended up having to pay them $1200 in fees and materials I still have that were used so they couldn't reuse them. I am okay with it, they reduced it by $500 so I am lucky I guess and their T&C stated the fees charged if I pulled out. Which I read after the fact, a warning to all, read, read, read. I skim, so I get myself into trouble a lot for that. I am paying it back at half the rate I was so $70 a fortnight, it will take me a while, I think until the beginning of September. Now that my business is officially belly up, I won't be getting anything extra in, not that I did anyway, I hardly made much money at all, just spent a lot buying things, so it looked like I did and I gave a lot away and with my business buddies, I bartered a lot too. I didn't see a lot of cash in that time and maybe that's for the best. When I did see cash, I put it right back into the business but seeing cash was not a happening thing. Oh well, tried, failed, that's okay. To fail is better than have not tried at all.

At least I'm not this guy, but that's okay too ;)

Not much else has changed except I'm going to my Mum's place on Friday just for one night and have our little Christmas together. Sometimes I get resistant to going and I don't know why because when I go I have a good time. Today I am going to do some colouring. I am working on a pic in Imagamorphia. It's complicated and it does my head in but I love it anyway. When I'm done I'll post a pic. I am also going to try using my watercoloured pencils for actual watercolour pics, I just usually use them as pencils alone but I am going to have a go anyway. I got some aqua brushes last week, so will give them ago. I don't know, I'll see, I often chicken out of stuff like that for fear of stuffing it up, lol. I'm such a perfectionist! Okay, I'm outta here for a bit. 

Chat soon

Sarah xx

Monday, December 19, 2016

and I thought I wouldn't get time...

Hi Guys

I'm back much sooner than I thought I would be. It's probably because you are all such good listeners. I'm okay. It's 4:30ish in the morning and I've been up for a bit, well Cali wanted me up and so I am up. You know the way of cats! If they really want something, they usually get it in the end anyway. It's no secret that my mental state has been far from stable lately, then it should be no surprise that I'm very worried about doing the coaching course now. How do you become a coach and try and help others when you are struggling to help yourself? Also, when I signed up, I didn't really think past the wanting to do it and it's really expensive for me. I don't think I would be okay. If Cali got sick, I wouldn't be able to send her to the vet and THAT is bad. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know whether I am now locked in and that's that. I have no idea. I feel like lately all I have done is fuck up. In saying that though, I got lots of new life experiences. I met some really nice, lovely and amazing people. I got to learn lots of awesome stuff. I made new friends. I had fun! I'm seeing my GP on Wednesday and I am going to talk to him about my lithium decrease, I think I did it too fast, too much, which means going back up a dose and then holding for 2-3 months.

I officially left the business group. I am fine with it and feel better for it. I am going to feel lost and alone to start with, because I am used to that interaction which I won't have but for me, I needed to leave to stay more stable. It was a real rollercoaster, a scary rollercoaster towards the end. If you talked to me two months ago, I was a totally different person today. I can't believe the difference. Like I said, I learnt a lot. So now I have said all that, I'll report back with what is happening with the coaching course a bit later.

Be kind to yourselves

Sarah xx

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Christmas and other such scary things

Hi Guys

You might think by my title that I don't like Christmas, which is in fact not true. It's just this Christmas. Like so many others this time of the year, I have no money. I am not totally broke but I'm getting there. It's all my fault though as I got a bit of a spending spree online and I can't even say I was manic because I wasn't, I just got carried away and wasn't checking my budget properly. It was mainly because this fortnight is the last fortnight until I start paying tuition fees for the course I am doing in life coaching. And it's going to go on for a very very long time and I am going to be very very broke.

I need a job really but I have to start off with work experience because of my lack of work history over the last (I won't say) period (because it's embarrassing), at least until I can get my coaching business up and running properly. So yeah my fault, my fault, my fault. I will be okay, I am lucky, I have food and a roof over my head, so who am I to complain really.

I was all gung-ho about my business but I've realised lately that I am not really interested in doing it as a job but rather something I can do with family and friends and later on journaling/creative expression with clients with my coaching. I had to look at my goals again and they certainly had shifted. I think that is partly to do with the fact that I am going to be very broke for the next two years and nine and a half months unless I get a job. OMG didn't think it was that long until I worked it out :(  but I love what I am studying so I should be happy with that and I am and really, that's not so long. It will go in a flash.

About Christmas for those of you that struggle, either financially or emotionally, I hope you take care of you over the next little while. I know I can't say to you, it will all be fine because for some it will just completely suck. I hope you find some comfort somewhere. No matter how small a thing that may be. I hope wherever you are in this big world that you are warm/cool depending on the hemisphere of course. I hope to stay cool here in Oz. I hope to post again before Christmas but I'll see how I go.

Be safe

Sarah xx

Monday, December 12, 2016

Messed up!

Hi Guys

So I just did the weirdest thing. Well, for me it's weird anyway. There was a packet of potato chips that belonged to Dov and I have been looking at them for days. They got the better of me. I rang Dov and told him I couldn't come over to his flat to hang out with him and his friends because I had was waiting on a package (which I am not) and that I felt funny because of what I ate before (weird linguine and curry sauce - kinda didn't mix as you can imagine), so then I get the bag of chips and I take them in the bathroom. The lights make a noise when the fan comes on in there and I wanted to be able to hear if the door opened and Dov came in. So I turned all the lights out and found the lamp that was in there, I did this in the dark and knocked over some stuff on the vanity. I then sat on the closed toilet lid and ate the chips, pausing now and then to hear if the door was opened. I ate them. Then I washed my hands and threw the packet away. I don't know why I did that. I mean, Dov would have been fine with me not coming over. There would have been no problem about me eating the chips. Why did I lie about it and why did I sit in the bathroom with them? Wow, never done that before. Is this some part of the ED, it feels like it is. I have been eating a lot more lately that I normally do and I can't seem to get a handle on it AND Christmas is always a bad time for me food wise. I'm sure it's a problem for many people. It's one of those things. I don't want to start new habits. I don't want to start new behaviours I have to deal with all over again with the ED. I also though don't want to make a big deal out of it and turn it into a problem if you know what I mean. Oh well, it's happened, big deal, move on. I hope you are all going okay and you safe or have things in place to keep you safe over the holidays and for those of you in the northern hemisphere, keep warm and those of you over my way, stay cool. You know the drill, look after each other too. I will try and update in a few days. What do you guys do when you find another side to your ED? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Sarah xx

Quick post

Hi Guys

Just want you all to know that I'm still doing really well. I will try and post a bit today after my business meeting and let you know what it's like in Sarah-land in the aftermath of my falling apart, lol. Nah, it's all good, did a bit of damage but all has been sorted - well mostly anyway.

Chat soon

Sarah xx

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Feels good to be free

Hi Guys

So I am still doing okay. Gee I feel stupid. When I get like that though, I am the only one that can help me. I have to see the paranoia to get through it and I did and I did. I did end up self-harming though and I feel pretty awful about that. In the end, I was just too far in it to see that it was 'all going to end in tears' as they say. I mean that metaphorically because I never cried, I was just going a little nuts inside. It's hard when you can see it but you really can't see it. You think you are paranoid but you don't realise you REALLY are. The thing that you're paranoid about is not what you are really paranoid about. It's very confusing, like seeing but only in mirrors within mirrors. Boxes within boxes. You get the picture. Anyway, I'm me again.

Be safe

Sarah xx

Monday, December 5, 2016

All over red rover

Hi Guys

So... for the last two weeks I have been pretty paranoid. Since I now know this, it probably means that I'm not anymore. I'm sorry if you were worried, so was I actually. I am happy I am through it, I nearly drove myself even madder than I got.

Thanks for staying with me

Sarah xx

Sunday, December 4, 2016

The Sarah saga continues

Hi Guys

I'm still here, living and breathing and doing relatively well. I've had some rather disturbing thoughts this morning but they are just thoughts and I can get past them. I'm only mentioning them because they are better out than in. Still feeling caught/stuck/trapped in a way. I don't know what is going to happen. I feel like I am being watched, by more than one person, like many people (this may sound crazy, but I'm telling you it's for real). Powerful people. Not people that you would know but powerful people anyway. So where do I go? Who knows where! I'm scared. So why am I talking, because if people know how I feel (and yes this will sound crazy) and something happens to me, it's all here.

Oh but then, I am but mosquito in a very big web.

Stay safe as I try too as well

Sarah xx

Friday, December 2, 2016

Stuff that's eating me up

Hi Guys

I can't say much right now and I'm sorry if you are worried about what I have been posting but it's how I feel and I guess I get like that when I can't 'talk. I feel back at square one. My business stuff has ground to a complete halt and I feel all up in the air and everywhere. I have some limiting beliefs right now and I can't help that. The higher you float, the harder you fall I guess, seems like that. 

I have wanted to self-harm again. Yesterday was awful. I have nothing to do it with, so don't worry and the staff here know that I am feeling like this and are keeping an eye on me. I guess there's just been some things that were overlooked while we were setting up our businesses, mainly that we ARE vulnerable. Yes we can do lots of stuff but when I crash for example, it's never pretty. It's loud and it usually takes down half the population at the same time and that's just me. Well, that might be an exaggeration, lol. 

I do have a plan and I am going out on my own. I am going to volunteer at a local neighbourhood/community centre and I am going to get my foot in the door that way, though I will get to know them first and then introduce myself and my scrapbooking and/or cardmaking. Do some pro-bono work first and then see if I can find people that way. But a foot in in a community centre would be great and I'd be getting out of the house. I'm here too much.

I am going to keep doing my life coach training. It's going well, though don't really want to do the next lot of work because it is about business training 101. Ugh! Just don't really want to go there right now. I am going to go at my own pace. I'm not going to stop. I am also probably feeling like this because of a lithium decrease, it's not helping. Oh well, you know, we all live and learn and I've learnt a great deal.

One other thing I have learnt though is, even when all odds are against you, you can do it, even when you think you can't. Right now I have the "I can't" in my head but maybe I need a rest. A break and then see what happens.

I have to think about number one now. I can't look at anyone else because I do feel myself falling, I don't want to drag anyone else down with me.

Be safe and so will I

Sarah xx

Thursday, December 1, 2016

angry anymore

I don't feel angry anymore
just tired
sad
scared
alone
very alone
and
lost
will I be 
f
r
e
e
 of this?

I don't know!