I am so happy to be home. OMG, it's effing awesome. Love it. This is the first admission I have had where I haven't had the anxiety being away from the clinic/hospital whatever, in the first day. None, just relief. This is progress. It means that I am not triggered by hospital anymore like I used to. It used to be that I would get home and want to go again within the same day or the next. It was awful. This growing anxiety in the pitt of my stomach. It was horrible because I never felt comfortable in either place, just this unease at home or hospital, no matter where I was. I noticed a difference this time though and there are certainly groups that stick to each other there and they same groups were sticking together when I was there two years ago (in this particluar hospital). I stayed away. I stuck to people that didn't like groups. That didn't want to hang out except for breakfast/lunch/dinner, you get the picture and when I had eaten, I went to my room. It was lonely and boring but it worked.
Yesterday after I had packed up, I went to the consulting suites where the doctors see outpatients and made some appointments Dr K. When I got back to the ward my nurse Adam and I had a little chat. I told him I wasn't going to be doing groups (day groups) outside of hospital and he asked me why and I told him that I didn't want to get triggered by the hospital and want to be here after meeting other patients in group that weren't well etc and he was like, you know what, that is really good plan, but we're here if you need us. Nice to know!
The whole Rob thing didn't go that well in the end. I haven't said much on here I don't think about what happened but there was this one thing he said and my anxiety latched on to it and by latched on I mean latched to it for dear life in the hopes that it would never come true. Poor Rob I think regretted saying that to me. I can't say what it is on here because my anxiety would then delete my blog. I know, it's made you curious but, I just can't. We couldn't get past it. He reassured me again and again but the damage had been done and my anxiety was off and running with a life of its own. Within days I was shaking and freaking out and taking prn (when necessary medication) to help me to control the anxiety but I knew that that was that. I looked for another doctor but to no avail and in the end went back to Dr K, who I said I would never see again. She over medicated me and put me in hospital too much and I left two years ago because of that.
This time around it was very different. She saw a different person, one with terrible anxiety but relatively in control, on half the medication, last hospital admission 11 months prior at another hospital and the proof I so desperately needed to show her two years ago when this is what I wanted (half the medication and hardly any admissions) and now she knows that I can do it. I'm so proud of myself. I did miss her though. I do like her but she could be heavy handed with medication. This time around not so. She only added some Lyrica for my neuropathic pain and it worked with the tiniest increase. I didn't even know it came in that small amount but it does and it helped. The hospital bed was really bad (as they are) and I was taking small amounts of tylenol/paracetamol and ibuprofen to help with the overnight pain I would get sleeping on that damned bed. I can't tolerate pain medications more than those ones and they are bad enough, but at least it was only a little and now none.
Anyway, I've said enough, I'm tired, it's taken me an hour to write this so far and it's time to go eat something for breakfast. Be safe and as always, kind and gentle with yourselves.